78. Motherhood, ADHD & Military Life: The Truth with Kendall Mariah

In this episode of Joy of the Hang™, Sharon sits down with author, content creator, and military spouse Kendall Mariah for a deeply honest conversation about what happens when life doesn’t unfold the way you expected.

From navigating ADHD and fertility struggles to the realities of motherhood, marriage, and identity, Kendall shares what she calls “soul friction” — those seasons where everything feels uncertain, uncomfortable, and unresolved… yet quietly transformative.

Together, they explore the pressure to have it all figured out, the emotional weight of changing roles, and the courage it takes to keep showing up when there are more questions than answers.

This is not a conversation about having it all together.
It’s about learning how to live — and even grow — in the middle of the unknown.

If you’ve ever felt stretched between who you were and who you’re becoming, this episode will stay with you.

https://kendallmariah.com/about-1

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Today on Joy of the Hang, we're talking about something that so many women feel but don't always say out loud. My guest, Kendall Mariah, is a North Carolina native, adoptive mom, army wife, content creator, and now debut author of This Little Fire of Mine, a book that isn't about having it all figured out. It's about what happens when you don't. With nearly a million followers, Kendall has built a community by showing up honestly, sharing her experiences with ADHD, fertility struggles, motherhood, and what she calls soul friction. Those moments in life where things don't quite fit, but something meaningful is happening underneath. Her story is resonating far beyond any one space. It's landing with everyday women who are navigating change, uncertainty, and the pressure to have answers when life just isn't that tidy. So today we're going to talk about what it looks like to live in those in-between spaces and how we grow through them. Kendall, I'm so glad you're here. Let's hang. Thank you so much, Sharon. I'm excited for this hang today. I'm excited to hear how you navigated some of the same issues that I've had to navigate, and I'm obviously so many other women because you do have millions of followers. So let's talk about that. You wear a lot of roles, mom, wife, creator, author. I wrote my first book last year too and had it published. So I understand like the challenges of getting your message out there. What does this current season of life feel for you, right? Feel like for you right now?

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Well, Sharon, then I had to kind of ask a question back to you. Did someone tell you as you're writing or publishing your book that you would have to relive it as it came out and as you're writing it?

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Did you feel that way? No, nobody ever told me that. Yeah, nobody told me that. I feel that. You know what? It was cathartic for me in writing it. And it was funny because I almost didn't care who read it because it was like that wasn't even the goal. I'm happy people read it and and took away something from it, but I love that you're doing such a great job in promoting it. And I know it sold out in your town right away. So I think that's fantastic. I think for me, it was more like I had a burning desire to share my message and my truth and my journey. Yeah. I think it found the audience needed to find, right? That's amazing. Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

A friend of mine who's a fellow ministry leader and content creator online, she made a statement too. She said, I'm gonna just prayerfully warn you that you're gonna have to relive whatever the main message is that you're writing about as you're going through it and writing it and as it comes out. And I'm like, you know, you think about stuff like that, you're like, oh yeah, I'm sure, like whatever. Listen, the book opens with me talking about my husband deploying when I had a five-week-old baby girl, and we had just gone through an adoption process that went really quickly, less than a hundred days. And here I am standing in the joy of motherhood after a decades-long infertility while also experiencing a deployment with my husband. Last year, when my manuscript was due, my husband was set to deploy two days after the manuscript was due. Well, this year, my book comes out. My husband has now left a few weeks later. I mean, it has been verbatim, like exactly what my friend had warned me about, but it's it's that theme that I have in the book, the soul friction, the the living with something really difficult happening at the same time that you are experiencing a joy or a blessing, or you know, you're finally reaching a goal at the same time. And I've talked to so many people over the years who are experiencing this. Like maybe you're experiencing birth while also experiencing loss. Maybe you're experiencing a promotion while also experiencing a broken relationship. Like, you know, we live in these different seasons of duality and friction that puts you in a real contentious space on a spiritual level, and then also just like an how do I navigate such a season? So that is exactly where I'm at right now as the book is coming out and having to relive through that again. As we're recording this, we're going into another holiday weekend. This will be the third Easter season and Mother's Day coming up uh in a row that my husband's gone. And so it is just constantly kind of having to learn how to navigate in the tension of I thought if I did all the things correctly, if I, you know, followed the the script, if I did what I thought I was supposed to do as a spiritual or religious person, as a Christian, then things would work out. But what happens when they don't? Or what happens when they work out differently than we thought or had planned? And so that's what a lot about the book is about, or when we start asking big questions and having doubts in these moments or seasons of tension and friction.

SPEAKER_01 4:37

So how have you navigated those moments and what lessons would you like to share with our listeners?

SPEAKER_00 4:42

Yeah, well, I I think it all kind of goes back to one trusting the work of God in your life. You know, I was a little girl that had a lot of questions. Like, I mean, have you ever rode in the car with a five or six-year-old? Like my daughter's in kindergarten now, you know, and she is very similar to me in how was my mom thinks it's completely uncanny, you know, even though we're not biologically related. We're so similar because ZN will ask a thousand questions between three stop lights, you know, why is that car that color? Or why does the stop sign have, you know, that many corners? How long are you supposed to wait at the solid? Like all these questions, you know, kids always have. Well, that transitioned to me being an adult that asks really difficult questions about faith and about life, all the way to the point of like, why are all these people that claim to follow Jesus or that are Christians um not looking at anything like Christ, like Christ, or what we see in scripture. So the way that I've learned to navigate it is if I'm feeling that friction or if I'm feeling that push to ask questions or I'm having doubts, if you think about friction, what can it do? It's gonna, it's gonna create a spark, it's gonna create fire. And you can have a choice with fire. You can neither let things get burnt up and burnt out, blow up your life, burn your house down. Friction and fire can, like the song says, this little light of mine light away. It can, it can warm a path. It can, you know, bring relationship, it can bring light into darkness. But there's an active choice we have to make in these seasons of friction, you know, whether it's longer seasons, like I feel like I have been in through deployments or infertility or grief, or that it's just moments of contention maybe within relationship where things are just not adding up, or it's not what you thought it would be or expect it to be, or you're being let down or disappointed. And so what I have learned is instead of doing what we sometimes like to do in the South, like, you know, just shove it under a rug or hide it in a closet and act like it didn't exist or has never happened, but to try to sit in that tension, acknowledge it, and then make the act of choice, okay, what am I gonna do with this feeling that I'm dealing with? Am I gonna let it turn into anxiety and me be nervous, or am I gonna try to bury it and it potentially blow things up down the road? Or am I actively gonna let it refine me and turn me into something different and transformative where I can hopefully not just improve my own life but those around me? I love that.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

And we have to remember too, friction away friction is what creates diamonds too. So you have to think about like, you know what I mean? The beauty that can come from the yes.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

I mean, yeah the the refining process for gold like wouldn't be anything without fire and without friction. And you know, I really think that in the modern world we try to avoid friction at all at all costs. I mean, we don't even like to wait for anything. You know, we get instant delivery with things. So we try we try to avoid any kind of friction, even with relationships. It's so easy to not have to confront them anymore because we're we don't even live life in close proximity with people because we don't have to in the way that generations before us did. So, like you said, if we acknowledge it, we can really tell that this could be a really good thing, but it just doesn't feel comfortable to start. I mean, no one likes the feeling of friction or things rubbing together. Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

It's very uncomfortable, right? It's it's really hard to sit in that space of just yeah, so good for you because you've sounds like you've gone through some difficult different periods in your life where you you've really had to go in, right? And yeah, trust your faith and God in in his timing of of everything. Right. So yeah. Speaking of timing, let's go back to infertility. I also went through some um infertility treatments. Eventually I was able to get pregnant after after some different surgeries. But anyway, tell me about your journey with infertility and eventually it sounds like you ended up adopting, right?

SPEAKER_00 8:35

We did, yeah. And I always kind of preface with it, infertility has been a very complex thing for me because I was never a little girl that daydreamed about being pregnant or even about motherhood in a way that I come to learn that a lot of my friends did. I can remember being in college and having friends just daydreaming about driving a minivan and couldn't wait to be pregnant. And I would just look at them like they had seven heads, and I'm like, wait, what? To me, pregnancy was like a means to an end, not necessarily something I'm like, you look forward to that. Which I have an older sister who's nine years older than me, so I'd watch her go through pregnancy a couple times, and I was like, I just don't know that that looks that fun to me. And so I say that because I know that there's a deep-seated desire in a lot of women to carry a baby. And for me, that was just never something God planted in my heart as something that had to happen, that I had to carry in order to be fulfilled or find purpose. Um, and I think that's important because I also had to check my ego through the fertility process and realize that a lot of what I was trying to do and try to override with my fertility was in fact not about wanting a desire to really be pregnant, but more so to prove the doctors wrong that told me at 22 I couldn't get pregnant or I wouldn't get pregnant. I was 22 years old when I had to have an emergency surgery and I had a nerve football size cyst removed. And going into the surgery, they told me they may have to go ahead and do a hysterectomy. Thankfully they didn't, but they did have to remove one ovary, and I was told at that point I may have difficulty or may not be able to have children, was diagnosed with endometriosis and um PCOS at that time too. Down the road, we also found out that my husband had malefactor infertility. I've had multiple, multiple surgeries, and it it became my mission in my 20s in a lot of ways to try to get pregnant. And, you know, we have still pursued that in different seasons. And I've had to check my ego and say, okay, am I doing this because I desire to be pregnant or I feel like God is calling us to have another child? Or am I doing it because I'm trying to prove the doctors wrong that tried to tell me that I couldn't? Because I'm one of those people, if you tell me I can't do something, that's a surefire way to motivate me to want to do it and do it better than you could imagine, you know, whether that's in business or work ethic or I mean any kind of goal you could imagine. I I allowed fertility in a way to be this weird, prideful goal. And so God really had to work on my heart in that area. My husband and I had talked about adoption before we knew anything about the potential for infertility, and we knew it would be a part of our story. It was a matter, it wasn't a matter of if, but more so when. So we we were blessed with our daughter by way of adoption six years ago, almost seven years ago, which is wild now to think about. And we are still open to if I were to get pregnant, I say we are not doing anything to prevent it and have never done anything to prevent it. And if it happens, it was it was of course gonna be on God's time and in God's way, and he'll get all the credit. But I also kind of make the joke, as you know, my husband's going right now, that the number one probably factor in our infertility is Uncle Sam, because he surely does not clean my husband's word trails around this process for us. So, you know, I do believe that God is gracious and that if it is it is supposed to happen, it will happen regardless of things like timing or diagnosis. So this was a it's a little complicated. And because I d I never want women to feel like they see my story and if infertility doesn't work for them, they should adopt. Because I actually don't I don't believe that. Um because I think that's kind of a separate calling in ministry. If you're not willing to lose your life savings and walk away just to support another woman, then it's probably not the right choice for you. Um, because that is very difficult and there's a lot of counseling and work then education that goes along with that process. And as you know, the infertility journey is arduous as it is. And so to switch gears and to put yourself in another traumatic situation and potential hurt is people say that really lightly, like, oh well, you can't get pregnant or you're infertile, you should adopt. Like it is just deciding to go from shopping at Walmart to Target, and it is it's really not that simple and it's typical. So I, you know, I feel for women that have that deep-seated desire to carry or for biological children, because I I believe that is a true desire of so many women that God has placed on their heart, and there's a special grief that comes with not being able to do that. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Couldn't agree more. Now you've built a large audience by being incredibly real. Was there a moment where you decided to show up that way instead of trying to have it all together? Yeah. First of all, why did you decide to start sharing your journey on social media and when did that all start for you?

SPEAKER_00 13:19

That is the most interesting thing because there wasn't really this like light bulb moment. You know, sometimes we can look in our lives and look back at kind of point blank days where we like made a decision or I'm gonna start on this journey or go after this goal. But as a millennial, I'm 33, I've grown up with the internet, and since the early years of blogging and writing, I have been online. I've been sharing way too many things, way too many personal things online since I was a teenager. Not necessarily my parents' best interest for me. Like you're gonna be like, Why are you doing like there's some things, Kendall, we should not share online, uh especially you know, growing up in the South, like we do not talk about this online. But I one being a neurodivergent person, I just quite frankly do not have the filter sometimes or social awareness to know what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. It is if it is truthful for me and it feels like the right decision, anything else doesn't really make a calculated sense in my brain. It just works very differently. I also don't have the capacity to show up any other way than inauthentically, because that's just not how my brain works. It feels very like living in a lie, and that eats me alive. Like I, you know, I can't pretend like life is easy or perfect or like things aren't difficult right now when they are. That's just not something I have ever had the capacity to do. But things blew up for me online in 2020. As I said, I've been doing this online things for a long time, but I think it was that mixture of I've been doing it for a long time, right place, right time. And when the world stopped in 2020 and so much of culture shifted on a dime, and that was a time where everything online was very aesthetic, very picture perfect. You know, we were looking at people's perfect homes and perfect outfits to all of a sudden we were all stuck. And I think people went from just wanting to see beauty to wanting to see realness because they were going through personal struggles and grief and different things. And so um I was at that time sharing about what I was going through. You know, my husband was deployed, I had a newborn baby. My daughter is African American, and as a new mom to an African American, seeing everything that was happened when it comes to social justice and racism, it was a shock to my system because that was the first time I had everyone said the N-word to me. And, you know, you can think about things like racism conceptually or theoretically, but until you've experienced it for yourself, it just hits in a completely different way. So 2020 was that perfect storm, you know, the cosmos all came together where people were craving authenticity. My life was at a real big turning point, and I was sharing in the same way that I always had. Um, and so I think it was just one of those things where God was using who I always was, and the stars just lined up and everything has taken off, and I've just followed suit and made a career of it since.

SPEAKER_01 16:14

And I just want to clarify for our listeners that aren't that cannot see you, Kendall. Kendall is Caucasian, and so she adopted an African-American child, and your husband is also Caucasian, I'm assuming. Yes. So um that's why she ends up um having the racial issue, correct? So I want to mention that. And you also bring up something that that I heard you say that I think is interesting. You you talk about growing up in the south. Now I'm from New England. So explain to me how growing up in the South shaped you and how you think that's different maybe from growing up in other parts of the United States.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Well, I I said this in the context that I've lived all over the country now as a military spouse. You know, I turned 22, got married, and we moved to the Pacific Northwest. And I'm somebody that I've had the privilege of doing a lot of traveling, and I spent a lot of time in other countries too. I have never had more of a culture shock though than when I went to the Pacific Northwest from the South. I mean, I think I could have gone to Pluto and felt more at home in a lot of ways because it's so drastically different from the way that we talk, you know, the mannerisms, you know, the eye contact. Like it is all very different. You know, going from the southeast to the northeast is different, but there's some s there's some sim similarities. But to go from the southeast to the Pacific Northwest was very drastic. And that's when I started to notice, okay, there is not only things that are different from a cultural standpoint, but it also so from a spiritual cultural standpoint, because in the South, Christianity, faith, religion, and culture is so enmeshed that it's really hard to even tell the difference between what is cultural versus which is Christianity and between the two, like it all kind of takes the same configuration. You know, like the habits, your your weekly routine, you can almost assume where somebody's at on a Sunday morning and Wednesday night based on where they live, you know, or you're learning a lot about somebody based on where they go to church or where they don't go to church, you know, all of these things are like cultural nours here in the South. You know, there's this unspoken jargon and colloquialisms that when you go to somewhere where religion or faith doesn't dictate a lot, like the in the Pacific Northwest, it makes you realize how much in the South is dependent on that. And also the fact that it brought awareness to me that that's meant that sometimes faith was not out of passion or desire to be really faithful or spiritual, but out of habit. It was more habitual or it was more cultural that they participated, not because they have this deep-seated desire to have a spiritual connection to God or the divine, and it's more inherited religion than it is even a part of their daily practice. And people might not even have a daily practice, but they would still claim Christianity or a church because that's what you do culturally. So I think a lot of that plays a role, even down to the history of what it means to be from the South, things like segregation and how that plays a role, even still today, because people think that's so long ago. But I mean, my mom can remember when schools were still segregated. All of those things we like to think are no longer relevant, but I've unfortunately experienced firsthand that they are. They are not only still relevant, but they come up more often than you would think. But unless it directly affects you, it's very easy to not realize it or not notice it.

SPEAKER_01 19:42

Well, and I think I came across one of your recent Instagram posts that said, I think you were speaking something about maybe your daughter being bullied at school and how some Christians claim to be uh follow Christianity, but they don't really act like Christians. Was that do I have that context correct?

SPEAKER_00 20:00

Yeah, it will it wasn't necessarily in in in direct relation to her, but you're exactly right. That's the the context that it's very confusing when Christians claim to follow Jesus. And what we know about Jesus is that you know he stood in the gap for people who a lot of society wanted to push us to the side or didn't act exist. He was inconvenienced for them, he met their needs, he was a healer. You know, he said, Whatever you do for the least of these, you've done unto me, make sure, you know, the w widows and the orphans and all those are taken care of with food and shelter. And we claim to follow that. We claim to believe that that is most important. Yet at the same time, there's a lot of Christians who say or do things that are not in alignment with that. They actually look, you know, maybe more close to the Pharisees in scripture that relegate or or still feel like there should be a us versus them mentality when really Jesus came to say that it shouldn't be any of that. We should be trying to make the world a better place for everyone, bring heaven to earth. And and the way that we do that is living the way that he does. So it's very confusing to her as a six-year-old when she is starting to pick up on sometimes people say they love Jesus, but they don't always act like Jesus or do what would Jesus do. So we're already just having those conversations, you know, like the bracelets we wore in the 90s of what do you think Jesus would do in this situation? If you don't think that was the right response or the right action from a friend or even adult, what instead do you think would have been the better option? So it is as difficult as a parent because you want to fix all those things or correct them or go correct those people. But I'm realizing the better opportunity is just to realize I can't change other people. I can't always be there to intervene when she experiences these difficult situations. But I can help give her framework, okay, of what lens do I look at this through? Or what questions do I need to ask about myself and how I'm going to react and respond in a way that is a better example of what we believe. About being a Christian or what it means to be a follower of Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

That's beautiful. And what it means just to be a good human, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Right. Exactly. And and that is it.

SPEAKER_01 22:08

Yeah. I mean, we're all part of humankind. I wish we didn't have to talk about race any at all. But yeah, sadly we do, like you said. And you I'm sure you see a lot more of it down south. I'm just curious, we brought up too a lot about your husband being deployed. What branch of the military is he? Is he army? Army. Well, I need to thank you both for your service and sacrifice to the country because I know a lot of people will thank the person who's actually uh in the military, but they don't understand the sacrifice that the rest of the family also has to endure so that they can serve our country. So I want to thank you for that. And thank him for that. I'm part of a military family myself. So my brother served 23 years in the Navy. Yeah, he was a Navy guy. Oh wow. And uh my my uncle was well, I have one uncle that was Navy, one uncle that was Air Force, my stepfather was Navy. So I've been surrounded by uh a big military family. Yeah. That's awesome. But I did not marry into the military, and that has its own challenges. So I applaud you because I have seen my brother um go through, he's on wife number three. So I know how challenging it can be when he's away. It's not for everything. Yeah. Well, I know it's difficult. Yeah, he's found a winner this time. We we love her dearly. So, anyway, let's talk about your book. So, this little fire of mine. Why was it important for you to write a book that isn't devotional or a tidy prescriptive guide? Tell us a little bit more about why you felt the need to write this book at this time.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Yeah. One of the best things, greatest things I have learned over the last six years as being a content creator online, is that we all learn best through listening to each other's stories. I think that we have been preached at enough. I think that we have all seen the how-to guides and the five ways to do better at this or five ways to change your life in this way books. And and I did want to do that. I don't want to preach it, people. I don't want to tell you how to get your life together by next Monday or give you the cure all. But instead, I know that I personally learn and respond so much better by gaining perspective through other people's lenses or reading about how they navigated a situation similar to something that I'm going through. And so in the book, I, you know, use the framework of my faith in a way that's both the difficult side of growing up in faith and having questions and that not always being well received, but also is what gave me hope. So that's the friction rub of I have this belief in God and I believe that God exists. And I believe that Jesus is the right path for me, but everything else I'm willing to debate and have questions about. But that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. And in the book, I go through a lot of stories that I've experienced in my life. I lost my mother-in-law to suicide, and in the South, I that is something you hear no evil, see no evil, speak about mental health. This was almost 15 years ago, talking about mental health, talking about infertility, talking about sexual assault and purity culture and body shame and how we as women that affects so many things, you know, the way I feel about my body and confidence to diet culture at the 2000s and how religion plays a role and how women we carry a lot of shame, which plays a role into infertility. Like you finally think you're gonna get past it when you get married, and you're like, then my body can't do the one thing it it was supposedly designed to do, to talking about navigating racism for the first time and having to kind of sit with that and acknowledge that it does exist. And all from my own perspective, and I take you through, you know, these detailed stories, firsthand experiences of navigating it through deployment, through the pandemic, through different very personal situations. So I'm not again preaching from this pulpit, but like you're reading it from a a diary or like you're watching this drama on TV play out and thinking, okay, well, what's gonna happen next, or how do you handle that, or how do you reconcile that and come out better on the other end? And and really try to give you s a few tools that have helped me, you know, navigate what do I actually believe? Is what I believe about faith in God and the universe because someone told me to believe it, or is it because I it's what I know to be true? Is it what I've seen based on the pattern of this world and through what I've read in scripture and what is true of God's character, and all the way to how community affects us and how I think if we did a better job at community and listening to each other's stories and being in relationship and having experiences like this right here, where we're just talking and listening and learning from each other, the world would really be a better place. So I I don't want this book to be this prescriptive cure all, figure it out, but to give you women particularly permission to ask questions and to acknowledge the hard and sometimes traumatic seasons of life and how did they shape you? How did that friction transform you or refine you? Because sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit of what we've gone through and realize how it did change us, and then how could we use that moving forward to uh to different seasons that we're going through now? And I think that any kind of work that we can do for ourselves in that manner is gonna make things better for the next generation. And now as the mother to a daughter, any way that I can reduce the shame shy shame psych for her or widen the path and blaze that trail for her, I want to put that work in now to make things um a little better for her so she doesn't have to start at the same place I did.

SPEAKER_01 27:45

I love that. And as I'm listening to you, I'm I can't help but think. I've had 75 episodes so far in my first year of doing podcasts, and I think about like all the stories that have been shared with me, and we're so much more alike than we are different, and everybody is going through something. Everybody absolutely at the end of the day, we all want to be seen, we all want to be heard, we all want to be loved, and it's it's that simple. It's just that simple. It doesn't matter what part of the world you're from. I mean, I interviewed a woman who's in Ukraine who's dealing with bombs every day, you know, and wondering if she's gonna get her daughter to school the next day. You know, so there's just these we're all going through struggles as women, and we're all trying to be the best we can be, and we all want peace and prosperity and love and all the same things. And it's just, yeah, it would be wonderful if we could, like you said, collectively sit down and and just listen and be present for one another, right? Instead of being so judgmental.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

Yeah. And I think sometimes too, uh by hearing somebody else's story, that gives us courage or confidence to share our own. And that's what I what I'm hoping is that by maybe reading my stories that someone will say, Wow, I have a similar experience. And I've never talked about that to anybody. There, I mean, there's stuff in the book that I hadn't shared with anybody else either. And so maybe it gives them permission just to meet with a friend and say, Hey, I was reading this book and Kendall was talking about this, and I realized I've never told anybody about this, and I want to share it with you. And what kind of door would that open in relationship with your girlfriends or with your sisters or, you know, whoever, but just give giving each other permission to share those stories because some of us it comes more naturally than it does for others. Some people, you know, we're told to sit still, look pretty, say nothing. Um, and so sometimes women I think need the permission or just the space, like you you've created such an awesome space here through the podcast to do that. How do we all kind of apply that same mentality to talk to other people and create space in our daily lives?

SPEAKER_01 29:44

Well, I think it just takes so much courage because I've learned I'm now 60 years old, so I've got a few years on you. So I think, you know, I've learned that sometimes when you're vulnerable and you're open and you're trying to be in your authentic place, I think sometimes there is so much judgment about a lot a lot that you've gone through, right? People are comparing or they're criticizing, and it's it takes a lot of courage and strength to shut those negative messages out, especially when you're sharing so publicly and have so many followers on social media. I'm sure you get I'm sure you get a lot of positive, but I'm sure occasionally you get some hate, right? So you have to Yes. Right? I mean, you just have to be so strong to just continue to be true to yourself and shut the noise out, right?

SPEAKER_00 30:34

Yeah. And sometimes I just have to remember, and and there's no better reminder than having a daughter, that if if my story, if my vulnerability can help one or two other people have the courage to speak their truth or to acknowledge their own pain, or sometimes just say, Wow, I've I have gone through something similar and I never even realized that was something worth acknowledging. Because I'm I'm one of those people I I truly believe our body keeps the score and you know what we bury at some point comes back up or what we try to hide or at some point fall out of the closet, you know, by yeah, using my own vulnerability that it'll give somebody else permission. But as you said, there's so many voices that are going to try to say things like, Well, it wasn't that bad, or can you imagine it could have been worse, or you know, there's always somebody that wants to upwind you on it or try to, you know, push, push you back into your box or into the corner and make you feel some kind of way. But what I've learned is people that say those things or try to invalidate you are speaking from a place where they have not been validated. You know, they've probably have gone through something also traumatic in their life and it could have been horrific. It could have been worse. You know, I I I don't know what it could have been, but at some point they were not validated. When they see other people be validated for something they deem as lesser, it's very triggering to them because no one showed up for them. No one validated their pain or their hurt. And so I've tried to reframe it when I get those comments, when I get those messages from people trying to say those things that I am genuinely sorry and try to empathize with the fact that somewhere along the road they were probably deeply hurt or wounded and no one ever gave them space to talk about it or just acknowledge that it happened. It's a good way to look at it. Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

So what has adoption taught you about love, expectations, and letting go of control?

SPEAKER_00 32:27

Well, first of all, let me tell you, you talked about being a military spouse and your husband having on a third wife. Well, I've made the joke many times that being a military spouse, you you cannot be somebody that is obsessed with control and won't control and love at the same time because there's I mean, there's no way I mentioned at the very beginning that this is the third year in a row. My husband's going to be gone for Easter, Mother's Day, you know, all this. And and my daughter calls it it's girl season, it's girl summer again. But as a wife and as someone who deeply misses my spouse, my you know, my person, he and I have been together since I was 15. I barely remember life without him. And um it is it is so hard to to navigate, you know, difficult seasons in these moments of friction, especially when sometimes it feels like it is constant. You know, I'm like, Lord, I've experienced this three years in a row. Like, at what point do I get a break? You know, at what point does, you know, is this gonna fall off or quit or something else is gonna happen. But at the same time, it reminds me of when my husband comes home, you realize about those so those many little things that annoy you or drive you crazy, or get on your nerves, like him leaving his boots out in the middle of the floor, or you know, the diet coat cans that get collected beside his side on the couch, whatever those like little things, like how little they matter, you know, it it's a perspective shift. And I think that's what friction does in all of our lives if if we allow it to is shift our perspective and we realize that one love is much more powerful and it's much more deep if we allow it to be. But if we get hung up on these tiny details that when you're living a life that feels very day in, day out, you know, groundhog day, that will feel like they're gonna mount up and make you explode. But for me, I feel like the calendar gets reset constantly. And so I'm having to readjust what is my perspective, you know, how am I gonna reframe this? Otherwise, I I could dig myself into a hole of friction and be ready to burn it all down and say, I give up, I can't do this, it's not worth it. When at the same time, I know that the love that he and I share, the relationship that he has with my daughter and the impact that he and I can create together is so much deeper and so much more profound that it is worth having to go half my life in the season without him.

SPEAKER_01 34:48

I'm just curious, how what advice would you give other military, military moms or wives, or other spouses in general who have to deal with their spouse traveling a lot and being away? Like, what do you do to prepare? You already know um that Easter and Mother's Day are going to be kind of difficult days for you because you won't be here again this year. So what do you do to prepare for that mentally, emotionally? How would you advise other people to get ready for times when they know it's coming and it's might hurt a little bit?

SPEAKER_00 35:24

One of the best pieces of advice I got as a young spouse was don't let life stop when they leave. You know, it can be so easy to, you know, not want to go out and do things or be scared to have experiences without them, like postpone a trip or a vacation or not want to decorate or, you know, whatever it is, whatever the holiday may be, and say, well, we'll just wait till he gets home or she'll get home. We'll wait till they come back. And if that happens, you're constantly living your life on pause or in in this holding pattern. And that is not a life being well lived, you know. And for my husband, he's like, I feel guilty about not being there. But then I would also feel guilty that I am causing you to not experience things too, that it's my fault that you're not getting to have good memories or good experiences. So he wants us to go and do an experience like we're leaving tomorrow and we're going to Disney World. I said, if we've got to do this a third year in a row, we're gonna make something fun out of it. You know, we we go and have experiences that we would love for him to be a part of, and uh in a perfect world where this wasn't part of the deal, he would be there. But just because he's gone doesn't mean we're not gonna do it. And showing my daughter that just because daddy's not here doesn't mean we can't. And we do things like, you know, we'll send a video to him, you know, talking to him or from our perspective at Disney World or on Easter Sunday, like last year, of us getting ready for church, and this is AD's outfit, this is what she's wearing, and then he'd send a video back of what he was doing and he was eating a piece of cheesecake, you know, at the mess hall, you know, we try to share these little moments where we're celebrating together, even though we're not physically together. But the best advice is don't wait. Just, you know, continually to live life and be surrounded by people that will allow you to still be celebrated and to celebrate yourselves. Like last summer, my husband was gone on our 10-year wedding anniversary. And instead of sitting at home and eating a tub of ice cream, I took my daughter to our favorite steakhouse and we got dressed up and she and I went and our we still got a happy anniversary piece of cheesecake. You know, the staff was so sweet, and we got flowers and we got dolled up and we sent daddy pictures and you know, I think you still have to live life because, you know, for service people, they're fighting, of course, for our country, but they're also doing it to honor their families. And we have to live a life that's worth worthy of being honorable. You know, we I me sitting at home and sulking the whole time doesn't necessarily help or fix or change anything, even though don't get me wrong, I give myself a good 24, 48 hours right after he leaves, usually to not change out of my pajamas and you know, darken the curtains and I'm gonna watch my sad TV shows for but then I've got to get up and move on and realize that okay, this is just the season that it is, you know. Um and it's gonna we call it girl summer. So for third summer in a row, we're having a girl summer. We're gonna do all the girly fun things together and and realize life can't stop even when they're not here. How long is he deployed for? Until the conflict's over. So who knows? Who knows?

SPEAKER_01 38:25

All right, well, we'll be praying for him for sure for his safety. Thank you, thank you. Let's go on to um we mentioned ADHD in the intro. So you shared your experience with ADHD. When were you diagnosed?

SPEAKER_00 38:37

Um in the second grade, actually, which was really early on for girls, particularly back in the early 90s and 2000s. Um, I was always quite the quirky child and very creative, very imaginative. I had three imaginary friends as a child, and so I think there was definitely some signs very early on.

SPEAKER_01 38:54

So, how has that influenced how you move through life?

SPEAKER_00 38:58

I'm sure it has influenced everything. You know, the interesting thing is having known this my whole life, I don't know life any other way. Um, you know, how does having blue eyes affect the way that you live in the world? And I'm like, you might want to say, well, I've always had blue eyes, so I don't know what life would be like with brown eyes. This is who I don't know what it would means to be neurotypical. What I'm realizing now as an adult and as I am pursuing what more that looks like in the ways that I've had to accommodate myself and overcome of it and what makes things sometimes more difficult or challenging that people can't see are all part of it. But when it is your normal, it's your normal. You don't know what's different. And so I'm I'm trying to reconcile a lot of those things. But for me who was raised by parents who are also neurodivergent, what was maybe not normal in other families, or people would have said, Wow, that's obviously ADAD, ADD or ADHD or autism, whatever it was, was just normal for me. And so yeah, it affects everything at the same time, everything is normal for me.

SPEAKER_01 40:03

Okay, well said. So we talked a little bit about self-acceptance. What does self-acceptance look like for you now in real life, not the Instagram version?

SPEAKER_00 40:12

Man, I think now, especially going into my 30s, I'm sure that maybe you felt this way too. Every season of life, it looks a little different. And I was just talking to a friend though, that so much of my twinness felt like self-acceptance of trying to accept my body, give myself permission to have autonomy over my body, like the physical body. In my 30s, right now, I I feel like I'm in this season of going back to find that natural, innate confidence and self-assurance that I had as a child before before I went through seasons of the world telling me who I should be, who I could be, what I would be, before I had the ability to overthink things and use too much foresight and overthink things. Just you know, that natural confidence I probably embodied from eight to twelve years old, where I was fearless and, you know, like move on from the Disney movie, just ready to go kick buck and take names. And I'm trying to find ways to reharness that in my everyday life where I feel strong and where, and not just in a physical sense, but that being part of it, but in this self-assured way, making decisions because that's what I should do, where I feel like there's this obligation, but out of this assurance that it is right for me, it is in alignment, in alignment with me and with my purpose and what my giftings and talents then are. And so that's really where I'm at right now. It feels like trying to find that confidence and strength and reharness it in a way that feels true to the life that I want to live, you know, going forward.

SPEAKER_01 41:50

So let's go back to community and connection. You have nearly a million followers, which we talked about earlier, and that's between all of your social media platforms. What do you think people are really coming to you for?

SPEAKER_00 42:01

I think it is that vulnerability and authenticity. I've taken people through many chapters over the last six years, you know, deployments and moving and solo parenting, failed adoption stories, you know, infertility and weight gain and weight loss, and just showing up in the realness that is life. And I think there's so many people that are content creators or people online and and they show you just kind of one lane or you know, one aspect of life. Maybe it's just motherhood, or maybe it's just relationship, maybe it's career. Um, but I really try to be vulnerable and holistic about it because all of those things affect everything, right? You know, the the fact that my husband's military affects our relationship. It affects how I parent, it affects, you know, my career, you know, because I was supposed to have a book tour for this book, but I I said, I I've got to put a pause on that. I I can't be living in a space where I don't know if and when my husband's leaving every day when in an active war situation and leaving my daughter to that vulnerability of one parent must is already gone on a book tour, and then dad could also be leaving at any given time. And so I have to drop back and submit to the army and the relegation of my husband's career. And so being transparent in all of that, because none of our lives are monolithic, they're not just linear or one lane. We all have these complex situations that are ingrained and engrossed in multiple ways. And I think people appreciate that I'm not trying to hide a certain area of my life. You know, there's obvious things that I'm keeping private that are personal and I don't share every detail, but I try to be transparent in how everything affects everything. And you can be experiencing a really big high, like a debut book, while also feeling grief that I'm having to go through another season of being alone. Um and I think people appreciate that because they're feeling that. People are feeling that tension in their lives too. Like that.

SPEAKER_01 43:57

Do you feel like there was one topic that really resonated? With your with your audience? Was there anything that you were like, oh my gosh, people are really interested in learning about infertility? Or wow, people really seem to want to hear more about what it's like being a military wife. Or are you noticing any kind of maybe some comments or or conversations that are coming up on specific topics, or it's all across the board?

SPEAKER_00 44:23

It's truly been all across the board during different seasons, you know. But one that has been pretty consistent is because of the way that I look, you know, I have my hair's not as blonde as usual right now, but you know, blonder hair, I'm from the south. I talk a certain way, I dress in black colors, I'm kind of quintessential what people think of when they think a woman in the south, you know, this southern bell archetype. I live in a hundred-year-old colonial style house, you know, people have a very specific stereotype when they see me, military spouse, all this. And then when I say things or I voice my opinion or my concerns, or I'm transparent in the way that I am, they're like, it interests them because it's not what they expected. You know, there there's more to it. They didn't realize that not everyone who looks like me, talks like me, dressed like me believes all the same. You know, people really get hung up in thinking that because they have this generalized perception of who I should be or how TV or media has portrayed women like me, that they know everything about me. So when I say something different, or I call out things that like racism or injustice of any kind, or just like, mmm, I don't know that we as Christians should be saying or doing that, it's like their ears perk up a little bit because they're like, wait, I wasn't expecting you to say that because I thought you would have said something else, or I thought you would have showed up in a different way. And so it's that contrast that just grabs people's attention because in our brain, as we're scrolling or as we're digesting a lot of content, I mean, media is everywhere, right? TV, online, billboards everywhere, our brain starts to calculate this is what this picture looks like. I know what that means. So when they see me in a certain way, but then I say something that's just a little bit different than that, what they were expecting, I think that captures them or makes them want to say, Oh, well, I want to do a little bit more digging. And it it it makes them have to start thinking more critically and said, Oh, well, what else could I be wrong about with people and stereotypes? So that has been a common theme over the last six years for sure. Interesting.

SPEAKER_01 46:20

That's very interesting. And I was just gonna ask, what have you learned about connection from building a community online? I think you've learned that don't always believe a book by its cover, right? Or judge a book by its cover. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 46:32

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And you know, because people, you know, have so many misconceptions about me, I now in turn try to offer that same grace to other people when it is so natural. I mean, we instinctively, it is our nature, dating back to, you know, the caveman days, to on first impression make assumptions because back then you're trying to decide, could I survive this situation or not? Now we do it also survival, but it's more societal hierarchy-wise, to slow down just a little bit and and not assume that I know everything, or that just because I see they dress that certain way, they talk that certain way, or they live that certain way, that you know everything. And if we can, you know, kind of drop that facade or slow down just long enough, again, goes back to sharing stories and learning and being willing to listen. Um, I really think we could make the world a better place.

SPEAKER_01 47:24

It's so true because I even have to admit on that there've been I try not to be judgmental, but when I make those snap judgments on uh about people based on appearance or something they've said or whatever, I am almost always proven wrong. Almost always is humbling. Like if I if I make an assumption about another female, for example, and I automatically don't like her, next day she's like my best friend because I've you know I've worked right that whatever it is that I thought in that initial moment was so far off from what was true about that person, right?

SPEAKER_00 48:02

Every time it is it is home-blank how quickly it can happen too sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 48:06

Yeah, so I I'm not yeah, I'm not immune from that, unfortunately. I try really hard not to because I know better. But so what are a few things that help you stay grounded when life feels overwhelming?

SPEAKER_00 48:17

For for me, it it is sometimes simple as music, you know, the right playlist that makes me feel empowered or energized or sometimes seen and validated. The right playlist can make a big difference for me. I love the word grounded. I mean, because another way for me is I will get outside and do some yard work. I made a video last year that went kind of viral that says sometimes you just need to get outside and push the lawnmower. You know, like sometimes you just need to get out there, do some manual labor in the bright sunshine, get that vitamin D and sweat, and it makes a difference, you know, or go to the beach and just get by the water. There's so many healing properties to being in nature. Um and then of course for me, my faith and realizing I am but a small speck of sand in the universe, and yet, you know, God and creator in the universe still cares about me and the good things are still gonna happen for me that it's not over yet. And sometimes it's that grounding and that perspective shift and just taking a second to allow myself to feel and then just release it can help me keep keep going. And I mean, I had to do that, I had one of those moments last night, and sometimes I realize the the quicker I can acknowledge that I'm feeling it, you know, some tension or friction, the easier it is to release it. But it's when it builds up that it takes so much more effort to let it go because I've been holding on to it for too long.

SPEAKER_01 49:35

Now, where are you currently giving yourself more grace?

SPEAKER_00 49:38

Oh my gosh. With solo parenting in the middle of a boot launch season and um just a busy season of life. One area I have to give myself a lot of grace in is the house. Like I have been taking my clothes to the laundromat, and the lady there, she will wash them fold them off for me, realizing that sometimes I do not get every dish cleaned every day, you know, and just giving myself the second to say everything can't be perfect at all times. Something has to give. So that's definitely an area I've had to learn to give some myself some grace in.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

Well, I'm glad to hear that that you're able to give yourself that grace that you need. What would you say to someone who feels like they're in a season of soul friction right now? First of all, you're in good company.

SPEAKER_00 50:20

You're not alone in it, I promise. But second of all, you know, good on you for recognizing it. I think there's so many women that go a long time before they can even realize what they're feeling, but they're noticing I'm feeling angry or I'm easily frustrated or I'm short-tempered, or I am just deep down sad or feeling heavy, and you can't pinpoint it. So I think if you've got to the point that you're feeling the friction or you can acknowledge it, give yourself some grace and just pat on the back that you can acknowledge it. But now it's time to make the choice. Is this friction going to burn my life up and my house down and burn me out? Or am I gonna allow it to light the way, to refine me, to bring warmth, or to bring some light to darkness? But if we have to make that act of choice, where where can people find your book, this little fire of mine? Um, you can ask your local bookstore, or you can check out at Barnes and Noble. Um, of course, on Amazon, Target, Walmart online. But yeah, this little fire of mine, you can also find me anywhere at Kendall Mariah. And if anybody has any questions or you know wants to be in good company while they're also experiencing self friction, you're welcome to come hang out with me there.

SPEAKER_01 51:30

I love it. And last question, we talk a lot about connection on this show. What does a meaningful hang look like for you in this season of life?

SPEAKER_00 51:39

Oh my gosh. Listen, right now it is front porch season here in the South, and I'm so blessed to have a great front porch, and we live right in the middle of our town, and just I a friend of mine was walking her dog, and she just walked right up to the house and sat in the rocking chair beside me. And that, you know, that moment of she was we weren't planning this, but it was inconvenience, but at the same time, just being seen for 15 minutes to hang out together, to check in with each other, and um to just be present, to be where the our feet are and to not be worried about what we're doing in two weeks or next month or frustrated about what happened two weeks ago. But just uh enjoy a good glass of sweet tea or a glass of wine or coffee, whatever it is, and just be able to sit together. Um means a lot right now. And I love being on the porch.

SPEAKER_01 52:26

I love that. I love that. Well, Kendall, this conversation feels like such an honest reflection of what so many people are experiencing right now, living in the in-between, asking questions and learning to be okay without having everything figured out. I think what stands out most is this idea that growth doesn't always feel like clarity. Sometimes it feels like friction. And maybe that's not something to avoid, but something to pay attention to. If you're listening and this resonated with you, you're not alone. And maybe you don't need all the answers right now. Maybe you just need to stay present in the process. If you love this episode, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And as always, thanks for hanging with us, Kendall. Thank you so much for being with me today. This was a great conversation. And I wish you lots of things.

SPEAKER_00 53:12

Thank you so much, Sharon. Thank you. Thank you so much for creating this space. Women needs, I think, this right now more than ever. So thank you for having me and hanging out with me today.

SPEAKER_01 53:22

Well, I appreciate you and your family for all that you do. So thank you so much. Thank you.