81. Surviving the Unthinkable: Chasity Vannatter on Child Trafficking, Survival, and Healing

Listener Note:
This episode contains sensitive content, including discussion of child trafficking and abuse. Please listen with care, and take breaks if needed. If this topic is personal for you, you are not alone—support resources are included below.

In this deeply moving episode of Joy of the Hang, Sharon sits down with Chasity Vannatter, a survivor of child sex trafficking who was exploited by her own mother for seven years.

Chasity shares her story with courage and honesty—offering a rare and powerful look into the realities of trafficking, the long road to healing, and what it takes to reclaim your life after unimaginable trauma.

Now working with Manatee Children’s Services, Chasity is turning her pain into purpose—advocating for vulnerable children and helping others find their voice.

This is not an easy conversation—but it is an important one.

If you’ve ever wondered how trafficking happens, how survivors rebuild, or how we can better protect children, this episode will stay with you long after it ends.

“If this conversation moved you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Awareness creates change—and silence keeps these stories hidden.”

If you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse or trafficking, confidential help is available:

• National Human Trafficking Hotline
  Call: 1-888-373-7888
  Text: 233733 (Text “HELP” or “INFO”)
  Chat: humantraffickinghotline.org
• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
  Call or Text: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
  Live chat available at childhelphotline.org
• If you are in immediate danger, please call 911.

You deserve safety, support, and to be heard.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Thank you. Welcome back to Joy of the Hang. Great to have you all with us today. Today's episode is a deeply meaningful one. My guest, Chess Chesty Van Adder, is a survivor of childhood sex trafficking who endured years of abuse at the hands of someone who's who was supposed to protect her. Today, she's using her voice and her experience to help protect and support other children through her work with Manatee Children's Services. Before we begin, I want to say this. Parts of this conversation may be difficult to hear. Please take care of yourself as you listen. Jesse, thank you for being here. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for your courage and for trusting the space with your story. Tell us your story. What feels most important for you to share with our listeners about your story?

SPEAKER_00 0:43

That not everything is as it seems. And we should always try to be vigilant and look out for the kids that are around us, especially as adults and caretakers of children. There were a lot of people in my life, teachers, nurses, etc., that did see signs of abuse but never said anything about it, because in the South it's a very mind your business kind of state. And I feel like we've all kind of done that as far as our regards to other parents go and the way that they handle things and stuff like that. So I think that my message overall, or what I've gained from this, would be to mind your business, but helped kids along the way.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

So you said you're from the South. I know you told me before we started recording that you're from Louisiana. Yes. So what do you wish the adults around you had been able to see? And what do you wish? You know, they always say see something, say something. What do you wish that they had said? And how do you wish they had handled it differently?

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Well, mine was very covert. My abuser was my mother. She loved me to pieces. We had a fantastic relationship growing up because I didn't understand that she was a huge addict. She was very much into drugs. That was her her uh vice, I I think. So myself for a second there. Yeah, what you wish the adults would say.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

It was hard for them to see because it was hard for them to see because it was your mom. Right.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Yes, because it was my mom. So she had a lot of control over me, over the situation, over who saw me. So I honestly I don't blame any of the close adults that were in my life because they had no idea. Right. I had no idea at the time. So the only thing that I wished that could have been done differently is maybe those that were around me that were vigilant and saw that I was malnourished, underweight, I was struggling and stuff like that, could have said something or stepped in to try to help.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Okay. Now, yeah, I am just blown away that it was your mom. So if somebody had noticed something, do you even think you were aware enough to be able to say, yes, I'm I'm going through this at home?

SPEAKER_00 2:41

No, not to that point, but to a point we all grow up thinking that our lives are normal. Our lives are what everyone experiences is what we think when we're young. We think everyone's the same. So the things that were in my life that are abnormal looking back, I didn't find them abnormal at the time, but if asked about them, I would have been able to speak about them.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Yeah, and I'm very interested. You said you and your mom are you love your mom, obviously, and you did close or you did. So it's like you have this you adore, of course, your mother, but you don't really understand the abuse that's happening. So there's that really contradiction, right?

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yeah, I fell into the fawn category where I was very obedient, very loving, very persistent to make my caretakers happy.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

I was very much in that realm. But you saw that she was doing drugs. You were aware of that. Not myself. No, no, you weren't. Okay. I had I was actually in DARE. I was in DARE programs and I actually won an award in my state and got to read my um paragraph in front of the the uh governor. I was so excited about that. So whenever everything went down and we left, it was very shocking when I found out that she was on drugs. When my aunt told me I laughed. I thought it was funny. I was like, that's not that's not fun. That's funny. I just read her my paragraph.

SPEAKER_01 4:00

Like, that's not that's not Wow. So she was good at hiding it. Very yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Are you an only child? No, no, I have an older sibling that we share the same mother, and then I have seven other siblings.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

That are not your mom's.

SPEAKER_01 4:15

Not my mom's. No, but spread out behalf. Okay. So is your older sibling a d a girl too? Yes. Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:23

Did she have the same sort of she had similar experiences as me, but hers weren't the same when we were both very young. My parents, my biological parents, were together, they were married, and then shortly after I was born, they separated. And when they separated and divorced, my dad took my sister because she was four years older than me and moved to Texas, got remarried, had more kids, and I was with my mom in Louisiana.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Understood. Yeah, now it makes sense. So can you share in a way that feels safe for you a little bit about your experience growing up? When did this all start for you?

SPEAKER_00 4:56

I think the first experience was with a family member when I was about four years old. It was just playing. We we make it play, we make it fun, and that's how it gets tricked into uncomfortable situations. And then my memories are so scattered that it's really hard to recall. I just have lots of like flashbacks more than anything, is what I get from the um terrors. Growing up, it was really fun. I loved where I was. I was in poverty, but I had no idea that I was in poverty. I just thought that I was living life. I was raised uh mostly by my grandparents. They took care of me. They made sure that I ate. They made sure that I was alive for the most part. They were very guiding lights in my life because they also took me to church every Sunday. And they are the only reason that I have persisted the way that I have.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

But you even said that you were malnourished. So your mom was unable to be there for you, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Yeah, we we had food stamps, but she sold them. She would trade them through drugs. Yes. My stepdad, I had a stepdad. He worked very hard to provide the life that we had, but he worked very hard and he was worked away from the house. So he was very much blind to everything that was going on as well.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

So you said the abuse started when you were around four and that was a family member. How did that continue to go? I think you told me it was over a seven-year period. So was there a time when she was actually selling you for Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

So it just started because like I was her daughter. So she would take me everywhere with her because leaving me at home wasn't always the best option and it was a an impoverished area. Um, so she would take me with her, and she took me with her when she would go to trap houses as well, which is the houses where all the adults would get together and hang out in the back, and there would be a room in the front or somewhere with a TV where the kids would all just sit on the floor and watch TV while the adults did whatever they did. And I just continued to grow and develop, and as I grew and developed, I got cuter and more developed. And I'm my lips were very full for a seven, six, seven-year-old. And my mom was notorious for getting in trouble with my dad at the time, although I did not know any of this until after stepdad. She was notorious for getting in trouble because he knew about the drug problems. He was part of them when they first got together, but she would consistently come back with STDs because she was selling herself to make whatever trait she could make. So that led into oh well, she's starting to get really cute and develop, and she's young, and we can just use her instead.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

Okay. And so do you you've got me like speechless because my heart's breaking for you. But you said you don't have a complete recollection of that, you blocked it out, right?

SPEAKER_00 7:37

So now you're it's just pieces. It's just pieces, it's just memories, it's just moments, it's faces. It's not fun.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

I can't even imagine. What do you wish people better understood about what situations like yours can look like?

SPEAKER_00 7:50

It's right in front of you. This would happen, and then I'd be at church Wednesday night with my grandparents.

SPEAKER_01 7:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

So you you never felt like you could say something to your grandparents? I had no idea at the time. It was just mom and I would go hang out and it would just be a blur. And then I'd be at church. Interesting. So you blocked it out right from the beginning. It was it was a lot of mental block, and then it was also a lot of uh induced blockage. I was being drugged. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:17

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

I was a lot more complicit. And then that also showed when I was a child because whenever we'd go to the doctor for doctor's appointments, I would beg them to give me a shot. I never wanted them to give me medicine. Interesting. Because I would be held down a lot against my will and given things.

SPEAKER_01 8:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 8:33

And my body knew it even though I couldn't remember. So I would immediately just there are a lot of habits that I developed over the years from the trauma and from the abuse that I realized as an adult are not normal.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

So you went this went on for you till you were about 13. Till I was about twelve and a half. Twelve and a half. So when we lose before you started your period, probably. Did you you probably didn't have a doctor that would have noticed that there was something wrong either at that point? Because you really don't start going as a female until you're going to be able to do that. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

And I was in a an impoverished area, so I only went every few years when it was time for shots. If we got colds or whatever, it was we fixed it ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

Well, and I love that your bravery in telling this story because I think when a lot of people, when they think sex trafficking, they think children are being kidnapped, thrown in a van. Yeah, and taken somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 9:22

It's not always like that.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

And sometimes it's happening, like you said, right under your nose at your neck.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

And I would smile and play with my mom to pieces because I had no connection of the two.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

And like you said, for you, it was this normal life in your mind. This is what it's like to grow up and be a child, and you're with someone you feel safe with, your mother. And so you probably I understand you were being drugged, but there may have even been a part of you that was like, Oh, I'm getting attention, I'm making my mom happy. Yes, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:52

Yes, because that fawn, that fawn response probably was part of it too. So there's probably part of that that plays into it on a different level.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Very complex. Were there moments, obviously, where you felt unseen or unheard? And what did that feel like as a child?

SPEAKER_00 10:07

Yes, those moments actually didn't hit me until later. So we my dad and my stepdad and I, he eventually had enough with her and divorced her. They separated, they divorced, and he got me. He offered her a thousand dollars and she signed her rights over.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Oh no. How old were you then? Twelve. You were 12 and she signed her rights over for a thousand dollars. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:28

So he took me and we moved away from my hometown. And uh immediately the night terror stopped. Wedding the bed, calmed down. That was much of an issue. But I was twelve, thirteen years old. So right when I started eighth grade, I started having panic attacks in class. I had to leave school to go to the hospital. Panic attacks. They started me on anxiety medication at eighth at in eighth grade because of the stuff that I had no idea my body was healing, trying to heal from.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 10:59

So what was triggering the panic attacks in the eighth grade, do you think? We we still don't never figured it out. I I will still randomly just have a random panic attack where it'll just my heart will just start racing, my breathing will go abnormal, and then it my body tightens and it feels like breathing is like stabbing. It's it's it's intense.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

So you left your mother's house, went to your stepfather's house.

SPEAKER_00 11:23

He raised you? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

What happened with your mom?

SPEAKER_00 11:26

Did she stay in contact? Stayed in my hometown, and um she had rights for visitation, but I've seen her maybe five times since then.

SPEAKER_01 11:36

And where was your older sister during all of this? So she had already moved away with your dad. With my real dad. With your real biological dad. Yeah. So she went with your biological dad. Have you do you have a relationship with her? Yes. Today? Okay, good.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Yes, all of my siblings are so close to my heart. Does she is she aware? Yes. Did she she actually had more memories than I did? And was she did she have the same experiences as you never know? She was never taken the way that I was or anything like that. Although I'm I know that she was put in some really sticky situations as well with some family members and uncles that were not appropriate to be around. So she had her own traumas before I came along, sadly. Have you ever confronted any of these so-called uncles? I've tried. Well, no, actually, because um They probably would never admit to it. Luckily, one of them is in jail already. Or I have no, I think it was actually a murder. Murder charge. My my biological aunt just got out of prison for a murder charge. My mom, biological, she was in and out of prison after I left. So it's it's a very common thing in the area. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Louisiana's tough for people that don't know in New York. It's a really rough area. Northern Louisiana. Yeah. So yeah. That the the rough, rough areas.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Because New Orleans is really, it's it's it's amazing. I love New Orleans. New Orleans will always have my heart. Uh but those upper cities in Louisiana are the ones that have the highest crime rates that are really, really not fun.

SPEAKER_01 13:05

Well, and like you said, it's such an impoverished area that, yeah, it would make sense that there's higher crime rates. So there are so many misconceptions about trafficking. We talked about one. What do you think people often get wrong?

SPEAKER_00 13:16

I think one thing that people get wrong is something that get wrong afterwards, is that you are different than other people. Yes, you are different from other people because you have experienced a level of trauma that other people may not have, but it does not make you lesser. I think that's one of the one of the things that we should try to shift because um a lot of people don't tell their stories because of how the view of them shifts after their story's told. After um my story started to come out and a previous partner found out about it, it completely ruined things. I was not the same person to them anymore. I was ruined goods. So I think one thing that we should try to change is that misconception that people are ruined after things like this happen to them, because that's just the beginning of their story.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Well said. And obviously that wasn't the right man for you. So yeah, good for you for moving on. What are some signs or realities or realities that might surprise people, especially when it comes to children? What are signs at school people should you were happy? So they're it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 14:19

It's very hard. The only evidence there ever would have been for me would have been physical.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Let's see, because you might because you were malnourished, but even that they probably just thought you were still.

SPEAKER_00 14:28

I weigh 40 pounds in fourth grade. Oh wow. I was I was small. Um, I have a nine-year-old right now. He's in third grade and he weighs like 75, 85 pounds. He's a, you know, healthy kid. So it's just kind of crazy as a mom now to see the difference in things. So I think I think something that might surprise people about this type of abuse in children is that the children can still appear happy because we're trained not to be anything less. Because if I'm not smiling and I'm not peppy and I'm not happy, then people will ask me what's going on, and that opens a door. Right. And you don't want that. Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

Yeah. So was there a moment or a series of moments where things began to shift for you?

SPEAKER_00 15:06

I think so, but that moment didn't happen until a few years ago, actually. When I was like probably probably when I was 30. Um, I started to realize that there were things that I could do to change the way that I felt about all everything that happened. Yeah, because I imagine like, how did you feel about yourself once? I definitely, especially with like that partner, I I especially started to feel ruined. I felt lesser than. I was at a point in my life where I had never understood when people said that they loved themselves. I thought it was just a bunch of hoorah, like, what are you talking about? Shut up, whatever, you know. So it giving myself that journey of like self-love happened once that partner highlighted that he thought I was ruined because then I said, I am ruined. I went through a a a deep level of not a fun place. But then I realized that in that place I was just myself by myself, and that is okay. And that's where I started growing from there.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

I want to talk a little more about that relationship because you've got me really curious. So did he sph did he actually say the words, you're ruined, and therefore I don't want to be with you? Or how did that come up? This ruins you. So you how how long did you had you been with him?

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Eight years.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

And he didn't know your story? I didn't know it either. You didn't know your story. He didn't with me when it started to So, how did it start to reveal itself, first of all, for you? You having night terrors. Yes. And the night terrors would be what?

SPEAKER_00 16:32

They you would be shaking bad. No, so okay, the night terrors are a whole whole thing in their own. Where um, so like, for example, a good night terror, which is kind of crazy, but it it goes hand in hand with the bad. So one night I had a dream that I love diving in the ocean. I was at a beautiful beach diving under the waves, hold my breath, go under, look for shells, come back up. I am shaken awake in the middle of the night by my husband at the time. Chassis, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? I'm like, I was having a fantastic dream. What is wrong with you? He goes, You weren't breathing because although in the dream, oh, you're holding your breath. I was holding my breath and I'm shaking in the bed because I'm there. It's real. Every bit of it to me is real. That happens the same for the bad. I am back in that house or in those houses. Someone is holding me down. I can't escape. And the worst feeling in the world, I don't I don't know. Well, hopefully no one feels this. But the worst feeling in the world is when you know that you lose because once you've been injected or once something enters your system, there's no more fighting it. It doesn't matter how much you physically fight, your body's gone now.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

So you remember being injected as well as being forced to take medicine orally?

SPEAKER_00 17:47

I don't I just remember fighting. I remember the oral stuff. I don't, I just remember pain, pinches. I don't remember seeing it. I don't remember, I just remember the pinch, the sting, and then the numbness. Wow. And then you're you can't control your body anymore. So this would start showing up in your dreams. And I was I was really curious about my anxiety from like middle school and stuff like that. And like, why do I have night terrors and stuff like that? So I was actually going to therapy trying to figure it out, and the therapist was like, Let's give you a sedative for sleep. And the problem with the human brain is that when you put it in a similar state, it remembers things better. So when the doctor gave me a sedative, my body went back into that state that it had been in when I was a child and it started to remember, and that's what happened.

SPEAKER_01 18:31

And was your husband at the time there in the room with you? And so he couldn't handle it. And that's when he said, You're ruined or something along those lines. This ruins you. This ruins you. How did that feel? That had to hurt. Horrible.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

Horrible. I was from Louisiana. We had just moved down to Florida, a thousand miles from my family, my friends, and everything. Started our dream house build, and then this happened. I was completely alone. All I had was my son down here and him, him and his family. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

And so your son is with him, I'm assuming. And so what happened after that? So now you're feeling like, oh my gosh, all of these emotions.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

This was only three years ago.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

So it's still fresh.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

I'm I'm still here uh because I have to be here. All of my friends' family and everything are a thousand miles away, living happy, beautiful, intertwined lives, which I love getting to see and I love getting to experience when I go back home. But I would prefer to have him there. I would love to have Liam around my family and grow up and do all the things the good family that saved me, not the other side. I'm just, you know, honestly, I'm just that you should write a book about I'm trying to figure out how to really format it because the way that it unfolded for me is so different from most people's experience with this kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

Well, and not only that, that you I you know, I really did hear you when you say there is a vulnerability around telling your story because people may react like your ex-husband did and feel like you're ruined, which is horrible because I hope you know you're not. A hundred percent you are not. It didn't, you know, this happened to you, but you had no control over it, right? So, you know, I think about like I can't even imagine. Was he in therapy with you? Like, did he not Okay, so he didn't go through that part?

SPEAKER_00 20:18

No, he tried to a little towards the end, but that wasn't our journey.

SPEAKER_01 20:21

So then you would have this experience in therapy and come home and share it with him? And then somewhat, yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:27

And that's we're I would I was just trying to process the therapy of it. I didn't really get to dive into deeply until after we separated because it was something that he also ostracized. Stanley didn't believe in therapy. Therapy, yeah. You you go work out, you go take you handle your stuff, you shove it down and you work. Yeah, which we can do. I all tower through it, yeah. But yeah, that started opening wounds for him that he wasn't comfortable with too. So okay, my journey went a different way.

SPEAKER_01 20:53

Okay, understood, understood. Okay, so tell me, like, was there ever a time when you've I I felt safer?

SPEAKER_00 21:00

I felt safe up un up until a certain point. And then once I started to feel all the things again, it took me finding my safety again.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

Yeah. So when so much of your early life was shaped by trauma, how did you begin to reconnect with who you are? Are you still, I mean, I'm sure you're still working on that. Are you still yeah, I'm still I'm still working on that.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

That's still a work in progress. But uh, I think part of it is just knowing who like grounding yourself, grounding yourself and figuring out exactly what you want in life. If you could take every stressor that you have in life and imagine that it's been completely taken care of. You have your house, your car, your paid, your bank account, it's good. You have all this free time. What do you do in that free time? That's what you need to figure out and move towards. And that's what I sat back, meditated on, thought over, and how I move now.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

Well, and I want to share something with you that I have never shared on this podcast and actually haven't shared with very many people. So when I was in college, I was actually raped in college. And very different story, but I wanted to, I'm bringing it up because I think it lends to the feeling of shame, the feeling of having to hide something that happened to you that it was a situation where, you know, two guys that I had known from school, we ran into each other. I was in Boston, we ran into each other on the bus, and I was in a new apartment, and I said, you know, why don't you guys stop by? It was middle of the day. And I'm like, you know, stop by and you can see my place, whatever. And before I knew it, you know, one of them took advantage of me and in front of the other. And then when he was done, he said, Do you want to have a turn? And same thing. These were big football player guys, hadn't been drinking, no drugs involved, nothing. But talk about feeling powerless and feeling like you can't do anything. So they did their thing and they left. And I sat there in such shock. You have no idea what to do. Right. I just couldn't report it to anybody. I hid it for years. Very few people in my life know about it because I did. I felt so ashamed and I thought I invited that evil into my home. That is not your fault.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

But you think but you do blame yourself.

SPEAKER_01 23:12

You go, why did I do that? Right. Why did I allow that? Right. And I'm like, did I give him the wrong impression? Which I don't think I did. A shell of like shame.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

That was my fault. This is, you know, this happened because I allowed it to somehow. Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

And I really had to compartmentalize it and reframe my thoughts and say, it was just sex. That's all it was. Just get over it. It was, you know, it's done. It's so like I had to minimize it. I had to minimize it. I had to make it think, make myself think that I wasn't violated. That it was okay. It was fun. Yeah, exactly. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. No big deal. But I wanted to bring it up because I felt like it was important to share. One, because I relate to a little bit to your journey and can't possibly relate to the a level of trauma you went through. But I definitely relate to the feeling of powerlessness and the feeling of complete shame. And just really not being able to tell my story and not trusting that I can tell everybody anybody without being judged. Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

And and you have to come to a point where you don't care anymore.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

And you I think the older that I've gotten, I you also realize, and now I have a daughter that's 24 and I worry about her all the time. And but you think that, you know, the truth of the matter is so many women have gone through this. But we're too ashamed to share. We're too ashamed to share, and we don't report it for so many different reasons because maybe you were out drinking that night and it went too far.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

I got motivated to start my journey more than anything recently, actually, because on Facebook, all this stuff has been going around lately about pedophilia, etc. And a friend on Facebook commented on something and said, if it happened more than 20 years ago, why does it matter? Why would why would she wait so long to say something? And it really just put into my brain like that doesn't make it invalid. That doesn't mean that it didn't happen and it didn't mean what it meant to that person.

SPEAKER_01 25:07

You know why it matters still? It's because it's a form of PTSD. And you I have complex PTSD. Yeah. People that don't understand this kind of trauma, it becomes part of your DNA, part of your being, part of your being. And it takes a while to process it. My thing happened, let's see. I gotta do the math in my head, probably 50 years ago, and I still can feel it, remember it, smell it, all of it.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

I can hear it, I can smell all the smells, everything. Yeah. Yeah. Like it, like it just like it's happening still. It's still happening. And it gives me it almost gives me chills just to think about it. But yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:46

So it doesn't leave you. You grow from it, but it doesn't leave you when you finally became sexually active. Was it difficult for you to allow people to have intimacy?

SPEAKER_00 25:57

It was incredibly painful for the first few years.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

The very first few years of being sexually active. And I waited until I was 17. I was a very good girl. I straight straight A's and B's in high school, honor classes, never had to be told to do my homework. I never went out. I didn't have friends. Like I was just at the library. I was a very, very good, very cool kid. Or, you know, from my perspective. Where do where did we go again? My brain. Yeah, it's okay. We're talking about being sexually active so painful. So 17 was like it's supposed to be, you know, really good at you're, you know, you're 17. Go have fun. And it was just nothing but pain for me for years. And I never figured out why, but it's related to trauma. It's related to the sexual trauma that I experienced.

SPEAKER_01 26:44

Yeah. So just pain during intercourse or pain for you emotionally?

SPEAKER_00 26:48

No, intercourse, like physical pain. Like it felt like being knifed just about. Wow. For yeah, for the first like three years, I think it took for that to finally go away. Wow. And so what do you think caused it to go away? What was the shift? I think I started to like relax more. Relax more and actually want it more because when you're 17 and you're with a boyfriend, it's kind of like, yeah, I want to, but it's more like cause I want, because I cause I want to, not because I really want to. Right. Just because we can do it, you know? Yeah. Um, so I think it it took me actually getting to a place where I was actually ready for it before it kind of like let my body relax in itself.

SPEAKER_01 27:28

Yeah, I get that because I had a hard time trusting for a long time. And I was in college and I just did not want anything to do with guys. After that, I'm like, I need a break. Do not come near me, do not look at me, I will bite your head off. Exactly. Like keep your whole thing over there. Like, you know, leave me alone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:47

So it's crazy how it affects you later.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

So, how is it affecting you emotionally?

SPEAKER_00 27:52

Emotionally, uh I was volatile in high school. Well, not like volatile, but I was I was a little toxic. Not like in a mean way, but like with my partner. I was very afraid of abandonment because of what had happened with my mother. And then also when I was uh 15 years old, I met this boy in high school and we had class together. We had uh home ec together all year. So we were baking cookies and doing cute stuff.

SPEAKER_01 28:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:17

And uh the day that school ended, he walked me to the bus, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said goodbye. And then the next day he died. God. He was killed in a car wreck. My gosh. So I had a really big problem around abandonment. Around people leaving with no choice. That is still my biggest insecurity is abandonment now. But it's something that I have worked very, very hard on.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

Yeah, because I know you have those messages like the people that I love leave me.

SPEAKER_00 28:47

Yes, it's why what what about me is not good enough to keep. Yeah, yeah, they disappear. That has always been the biggest one for me. They disappear. I'm sorry that happened to you. It takes time to get through.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

It sure does. It sure does. And you've been through a lot. Oh my gosh. So tell me what strength means to you now. You've obviously done a lot of healing over the years.

SPEAKER_00 29:06

Strength means asking yourself why. Even just stupid stuff that you don't even think is important. My 30th birthday was coming around, and I've always avoided my birthdays. Hate birthdays, not a fan. Please, God, do not throw me a party. You know. And uh my son asked me why. And I was like, I just don't like birthdays. And instead of saying, I just don't, I dug down and I actually realized that I haven't had a birthday party. I've never actually experienced that much attention on me. So the idea of a birthday party makes me really uncomfortable because I've never experienced that. I'm 32 this year. Wow. When's your birthday? In May. Oh, I'm gonna have a birthday party. But yeah, so it's like I think that the biggest thing that you can do is ask yourself why. Even the questions that feel silly, there's something there. There's a reason why you move the way you move that you do and you think the way that you think. And instead of just saying that's how I am, we should ask ourselves why more often. That makes me feel strong. Now, you're a mom now.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

How do you parent differently?

SPEAKER_00 30:08

Very differently. I'm from Louisiana, so it was very we got backhanded. Our mom was not afraid to draw blood. She she was very stern, very hard. If you missed a yes ma'am, you got hit. So I was very yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, no sir. You were raised by the rod. I don't, I don't, I'm very strict with my son in some ways, but I'm also very lenient and I'm not a physical type of person like that.

SPEAKER_01 30:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:35

So we do a lot of emotional connecting more than anything. So you now work for Manatee Children's Services?

SPEAKER_01 30:40

Yes. What drew you to that work?

SPEAKER_00 30:42

I've been in photography for a while, events and stuff, and I've mingled with a lot of people over the past few years in the area. And photography is beautiful to me because it has its own reasons. But it never felt purposeful. It always felt like a good job. It was fun, it's a good way to pay the bills, it's a great way to connect people and help them remember the best day of their lives. That is what it was, but it it didn't feel enough for me. So recently I had just like started revamping all my stuff and looking for something. And my boss now posted in a group in Facebook that Manatee Children's Services was looking for a community engagement associate. And I was like, Well, I'm already in a lot of events, and I had no idea what they did. So I just went ahead and applied. And when I got there, I found out that they are exactly what I need, exactly what I needed at the time. I love that. They are amazing. How long have you been working for that? Three weeks. Just three weeks. It's just been three weeks. I just got the job. I've been very slowly, not slowly, but I've been acclimating to it, and it's been amazing.

SPEAKER_01 31:43

So, what's your role? What do you do? What's a community service worker?

SPEAKER_00 31:46

So, what I do is I represent them at events. I go to networking, I try to talk to people about our upcoming events, our donations, our services, what we do, why we do what we do, and what it is is it's a trauma treatment. It's for children. It's for trauma prevention, trauma treatment, and trauma healing kind of. So we have houses, we have safe houses for children. Manatee Children's Services was actually the first one in Manatee County in 1977 when they opened. They were the first trauma safe house for kids in the area. So they work with children that have been through trauma abuse, neglect, trafficking all of it. We have safe houses for boys, girls. Oh, I love that. We have programs. I'm sorry that we need that. I hate that we need it, but it's it's so needed that it's it's such a beautiful thing that they do.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

Well, I'm glad that they're here. So, what does a safe relationship look like for you now? Honesty.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

Yeah. I think the most safe relationships we have in our lives are relationships that we build based on honesty. Have you found someone that's honest? I do have someone in your life. No, I don't have anyone in my life. I'm I'm a single Pringle, but I'm I'm focused on work. Work is my work is my partner. Work and your son. Work is my partner besides my little boy. What's your boy's name?

SPEAKER_01 32:59

Liam. Liam. Oh my gosh. Nine is such a great age. Does he play any sports or do anything? Oh my god, he does everything.

SPEAKER_00 33:06

We just got back from a movie last night. We went and watched the Hoppers movie. We play a lot of games together. We go to he's been to the beach with me, I think, three times this week. Oh, okay. He's sick of me. Oh. Damn vacation? No school? He's on spring break this week, actually. Okay, all right.

SPEAKER_01 33:22

For someone listening who may be in a situation where they feel unsafe or unseen, what would you want them to hear from you?

SPEAKER_00 33:28

That it's okay. And I know that that's a broad thing to say, but I want to say that it's okay to be in a situation that's not okay. It doesn't mean you're gonna be there forever and you can you can make your way out. I know that some situations are different than others, and making your way out sometimes is not safe, but you have ways to reach out. There are people that will listen, and if you have the ability, just use your voice. Because I never used my voice, and I know a lot of people will not ask for help.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

Why do you feel like it's important to tell your story now?

SPEAKER_00 33:58

Because it happened, because it shaped everything that I do, everything that I am, and our experiences need to be shared so that we can connect because those connections are the biggest thing in the world to us. Because if I don't tell my story, then I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna go down with it.

SPEAKER_01 34:16

I like that. And one of the things we talk a lot about a lot about is connection. So, what role has safe, healthy connection played in your healing?

SPEAKER_00 34:24

It's given me spaces like this where I can actually come and speak and tell my story and not have someone tell me that I'm ruined for it. It has given me the confidence to even speak in the rooms where people do believe that I'm ruined for it, because I have people that don't believe that I'm ruined. So those healthy relationships have helped give me a foundation to stand on. Do you have people that don't believe your story? Do you have people that are wondering if you make it made it up? I feel like maybe because where I'm at right now, survivors also have like a negative connotation given to them typically. And when you see me in public, I'm a very bubbly, very happy, very friendly person, and I always am, but it's not something that you would ever expect from me. Right. No, nobody would ever know. Right? Exactly. Which is why it's important to tell the story because no one would ever know.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

Right. I think it's very important. And I like I said, I think you're brave for telling it. So for adults, parents, teachers, community members, what can we do better to protect and support our children? Prevention. Prevention and prevention.

SPEAKER_00 35:21

Okay, so talk to me about prevention. Prevention means we tell our kids what's okay, what's not okay. Prevention means we talk to our adults on parenting, even though it's a mind your business kind of thing, we don't need it to be that way. We need to be able to hold each other accountable for being better parents and better adults in general.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

So in your situation, I'm trying to think of the word prevention in your situation. So if I mean, would you have thought the teachers should talk about that in schools? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 35:50

If if there had ever been a moment where an adult told me this is not okay, I was the kind of kid that would have been like, This is happening, I would have 100% because I've followed all the rules. So if they told me that, hey, you can tell people about this, I would have told people. Really? You don't think you would have paused and been like, but it's my mom. So No, because I was like, it's my mom. She does these things. Of course it's okay. Just would have thought what's and then if someone had said, Do they do this? And I I would have been like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

Interesting. Because I was so interesting. So was there any were there any outward signs of your mom's drug addiction that a school administrator or somebody would have seen?

SPEAKER_00 36:28

See, but the issue with that is that we were in a small town. My the population of the town we were in was 1200. I'm glad you keep bringing that up because we keep forgetting. It was very rural. It's not like this. Like this. The nearest um drive-thru from my house was an hour. Yeah. The nearest Walmart was an hour.

SPEAKER_01 36:44

I keep forgetting that there's across the Mississippi River, rural pockets of America that does that just don't need services.

SPEAKER_00 36:52

And if we if we could expand types of services to all schools so that there are programs where it's like abuse prevention, signs of abuse to look for, not only for adults, but also for kids. Kids can look out for each other. And if they had classes to of like what to look out for in your in your classmates starting at a younger age, it would probably help that prevention lead.

SPEAKER_01 37:10

Peer support groups. I'm a huge advocate of peer support groups, and I don't know why they're not practiced in work. They should be everywhere. You know, if there's one thing that I would love to start and would be my legacy, it would be creating peer support groups.

SPEAKER_00 37:23

Yeah, that and then parents. Parents getting more education on what is okay and what is not okay for a little human to go through.

SPEAKER_01 37:30

I'm sure your mom must have known what she was doing was not okay, right? Yeah, so there was no like education, it was just her addiction.

SPEAKER_00 37:39

Yes, but I also I don't know her history. I don't know what childhood she had or what she grew up thinking was normal. But didn't you live with your grandparents? Were they her? They were my stepdad's parents. Okay. They were all adopted family that were incredible. No one related to me saved me.

SPEAKER_01 37:57

So you didn't know your p your mom's, or did you know your mom's parents? Not really. So you told me that you've spoken to your mom just a handful of times in how many years? Twenty years? Yeah. We left.

SPEAKER_00 38:09

I left when I was 13 and 30. Oh my gosh. Almost 20 years. Wow, yeah. So maybe five times in 20 years. She's never talked to my son. So what did those conversations look like? Well, when I was younger, we would go back to Did you ever ask her? Ask her about the stuff? Well, I mean, I kind of got into it one time with her because it was pretty general. Like I just tried to keep a relationship with her. I'd let her know when I was coming to town and stuff like that. And then I took my ex-husband to meet her, and when I got there, she had powder on her nose. So I stopped going to see her after that. And she reached out to me a few years ago because she needed money. She was trying to get me to send her money because her dog was hungry and she needed dog food, is what she was saying. Okay. Yeah, that was the most recent I've heard from her. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

So she's pretty much just Oh yeah. Let you go. She's gone. She's gone.

SPEAKER_00 39:00

I'll get I'll find out one day that she's overdosed or that she's passed.

SPEAKER_01 39:04

How do you reconcile that with not having a relationship with your biological mother?

SPEAKER_00 39:08

It's not something that I've ever found necessary. My grandma, my mamma, she was an angel.

SPEAKER_01 39:15

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 39:15

And did you have a stepmom with your stepdad? Yes. We didn't have a good relationship when I was a teenager. Now that I'm an adult and she's an adulty year, um, because she wasn't very adulty at the time. Um, we we get along really great now. But we weren't we did not have a good relationship then. So I never really had besides my stepmom in Texas. So my dad got remarried in Texas and had two more daughters, my two step half sisters over there. They're all my best friends. My stepmom over there has always been an angel, but she also was one of the ones that had no idea what was going on, couldn't see it. And I only visited them in Texas like once a year. She always gets so frustrated too. They never threw you a birthday party. My birthday's in May. I never refer around.

SPEAKER_01 39:56

Oh man. I know. I know. All right. Tell me about the for those of you listening, you can't see Vachity has a few tattoos on her arms. Tell me about the I love you.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

That was Liam's first I love you he ever wrote me. He wrote it on a little post-it note, and I wanted to keep it forever. So I let him stick it on me, and that's where I got it. That's beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 40:17

Tell me about some of these other ones.

SPEAKER_00 40:18

This is actually sunflower? Yes, a sunflower. My sister has this one as well. When I was in middle school with the anxiety, I also had a lot of self-harm problems. Okay. So I have a few scars like here and there. So you did the cutting. So yes. So it was kind of a way to kind of cover some of that area. My sister did it with me.

SPEAKER_01 40:36

That would have been a red flag, I would have thought teachers would have seen. Did you bother? I wore long sleeves. I was always in the library. I didn't go, I wasn't social. And so I've known other people that have done done that. So were you just trying to feel? Yes.

SPEAKER_00 40:50

Is that what that's what it was for me was the the emotional internal pain was very, very hard for me, but physical pain I was used to. So whenever an emotional wound would come up, if I gave myself a physical, I could feel it, touch it, and watch it heal. So it was transformative for me in a way, but not a healthy way. Not a healthy thing to do. Not a healthy way. So did you at one point just stop doing that? Parts of me though, like because of the trauma, if if I experience like a really big low or like something like that, parts of me immediately are like punish yourself because that was the norm. That was such a big norm and such a huge part of my life for half of my life. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 41:31

And now you're helping other kids. So I'm sure that's going to be help help you with your healing. So that's amazing. Is there anything I didn't ask you that you feel it's important to say before we close?

SPEAKER_00 41:40

No, just uh if you see something, say something and be a good human. That's all you need to do.

SPEAKER_01 41:46

Be brave. Well, you've been very brave. Chastity, thank you for your honesty, your strength, and for trusting us with your story. Conversations like this are not easy, but they are important. They remind us that behind statistics are real people, real lives, and real opportunities for us to show up differently. If you're listening today, I hope this episode encourages you to be more aware, more present, and more willing to have conversations that matter, even when they're uncomfortable. And if you or someone you know needs support, please reach out to local resources like Manatee Children's Services or trusted organizations in your community. We'll have uh links to in our show notes for that. And as always, thank you for hanging with me. Thanks, Jacity.

SPEAKER_00 42:26

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 42:27

Until next time, everyone. Bye bye.