Why "Put Yourself First" is Terrible Advice

Prioritize Yourself: A Sustainable Approach to Avoiding Overwhelm

In this episode, Michelle VandeHey, a Certified Holistic Life Coach, addresses the common struggle of feeling pressured to put oneself first amidst overwhelming responsibilities. Michelle introduces a significant mindset shift from 'putting yourself first' to 'stop putting yourself last' and provides practical steps to achieve sustainable self-care. Michelle also delves into why understanding this priority shift is essential for mission-driven leaders and caretakers. With the help of affirmations and exploring who you want to become, Michelle aims to help listeners rid themselves of guilt and find empowerment. Stay tuned for a crucial question to ask yourself before saying yes to new commitments.

00:00 Introduction: Overcoming Guilt and Overwhelm
00:44 Rediscovering Yourself: Prioritizing Your Needs
01:16 The Challenge of Putting Yourself First
03:44 Mindset Shift: Stop Putting Yourself Last
04:46 Practical Steps: Sustainable Self-Care
07:18 Affirmations: Reinforcing the Mindset Shift
08:39 The Key Question: Is This for Me or Them?
10:31 Conclusion: Embrace Your Worth

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Transcript

  📍 Are you sick of people telling you to put yourself first while also wishing you weren't so exhausted and overwhelmed with everyone else's needs  and you almost feel like you're failing at self care or you're failing at life because you're not quote unquote putting yourself first?  In today's episode, I will help you to get rid of the guilt and feel less overwhelmed with this one mindset shift. 

Don't go another day or minute feeling the weight of quote unquote failing at one more thing. And once we've gone through all of that, I'm going to leave you with this one question that most people don't think to ask themselves before saying yes to one more thing. So stick around till the end.

   📍 Do you feel like you don't know who you are anymore because you've always prioritized everyone else's needs over your own and you may be going through a major life transition trying to figure out who you are again? It's time to prioritize yourself and power your mission. It's time to love your life on purpose.

I'm Michelle VandeHei, Certified Holistic Life Coach to mission driven leaders around the world. Let's explore who you are. and who you want to become because you are worth it.   One of the most common things I hear from clients and really many people in general is I need to put myself first or I just suck at putting myself first. 

Do you feel this way too? I'm sure if you are listening to this you probably have at one point or another  And with further discussion and curiosity, I typically find out that these people have a lot on their plate  Not only are you people that are mission driven leaders, maybe you work full time and you have some sort of mission or passion on the side, you might have all of that plus you're a caretaker to your children, to your parents and maybe even to your partner. 

That's a lot of priorities, right?  And typically I hear people saying it's okay. They need it more than me or I can handle it. And when you say things like  they need it more than me, usually what you're referring to as it is.  Your time, your energy, and your money.  Not their time, their energy, and their money.

Your time, your energy, and your money.  So when you're prioritizing everyone else's needs before your own,  that's when you're feeling overwhelmed and exhausted all of the time.  And if you're like me and you're a giver, which I'm sure you are, if you're listening to this, your default tends to be give first, receive later, give first, ask for help later.

So when new needs pop up, you prioritize those needs before your own. So you may have said, Okay, I'm going to start doing more self care. I'm going to start taking care of myself more. And you say, today I'm going to go for a walk. But then something comes up, and you say, Okay, I don't need a walk, I can do it tomorrow.

So I'm going to put other people's needs, I'm going to put this thing before my own, because it's more urgent than my needs. And if you do that once in a while, It's really not that big of a deal.  But I bet if you're listening to this, that you tend to be someone that is constantly saying, Oh yeah, I can just put my thing to the end.

Oh yeah, I can do that again tomorrow because they need it. Either your family, your friends, the people that you're serving, something in your business,  the change that you're trying to create around the world. You're always putting that before your own because  you can handle it, right? They need it more than me. 

So if this is your default mode,  that means that when you hear this phrase, put yourself first, it's not only challenging from a habit standpoint of trying to create new habits, but also from a value standpoint. Because you value being a giver.  So telling a giver to put yourself first, or even fill your cup first, have you heard that phrase before?

It's like telling someone who has never run a marathon to go run a marathon tomorrow. Is it possible? Could you potentially run a marathon tomorrow without any training? Sure. But is it sustainable? No way. And we are here for sustainable solutions for you.    You've got to start with running a mile, or maybe even less, and then you build up to running that marathon.

By the way, if you didn't know, marathon runners, they don't even run a full marathon until the day of the race. They don't train and run marathons to be able to run a marathon. They run smaller amounts on a consistent basis to build up to that marathon. So if you want to become that marathon and start prioritizing yourself, it's about doing these little things.

along the way and you don't have to worry about the marathon until race day.    Let's work on this mindset shift. So instead of saying,  put yourself first, I want you to shift to stop putting yourself last, or like I often say, put yourself in the game,  just get yourself in the game. So I'm going to use an analogy for this.

Assume you have 10 priorities in the day, and I know many of you have way more than that, but we're going to go with 10 because it's an easy number. And Right now you put your needs at number 10 or sometimes 11 or 12. I know you.  Now pretend that your priorities are like weights and your first priority is 100 pound weight and your 10th priority is a 10 pound weight.

So by the time you get to your 10th priority it doesn't weigh as much. And if you've ever lifted weights before, you know, it's really hard to go from lifting a 10 pound dumbbell to lifting a hundred pound dumbbell, right? So if your priorities are from one to 10 and one is that hundred pound weight and 10 is that 10 pound weight, and you're used to putting yourself 10th, it's really hard for you to go from a 10 pound weight. 

Being 10th and go directly to a hundred pound weight the next day.  So instead of thinking about putting yourself first, what if instead you put yourself in the game and you put yourself ninth?  That would be like going from a 10 pound weight to a 20 pound weight.  Not only is it more doable. It's also more sustainable because that's what I want for you.

I want you to be able to sustain this. I want you to be able to prioritize yourself and power your mission and not have to choose between one or the other that you can do both.  This is a big mindset shift that can be a game changer for you, especially if you've been listening to this advice of putting yourself first because then you think, okay, I'm not putting myself first.

So now I suck at this and I'm failing. And so what's the point of even trying? And I want you to be able to try   but when we're trying to put ourselves first, it's darn near impossible. 

So instead of trying to put yourself first, put yourself ninth, go from that 10 pound weight to that 20 pound weight.    I'm about to get to that one question that most people don't think to ask before saying yes.    If you're someone who uses affirmations to help you make this mindset shift now, so now you have this awareness, so that is valuable,  but how do you make that mindset shift? 

One thing you can do is use affirmations. So an affirmation you might try out. Maybe you try writing it out, maybe you try saying it to yourself in the mirror, and you repeat it day after day.  Say to yourself, I don't have to put myself first as long as I'm putting myself in the game.  Or maybe it's, I'm not failing if I'm not putting myself first as long as I'm putting myself in the game.

Or as long as I'm not putting myself last. Because then you can work your way up to putting yourself first if that's truly a goal of yours.  But I believe you don't have to be putting yourself first. very often to feel fulfilled and to feel Like you can sustain this long term. So are you ready to make this mindset shift?

It can be hard with all of the noise out there telling us to put ourselves first That's why I created my community where you won't feel like you're failing at self care when you join Love your life on purpose.  You'll not only be welcomed by myself and my team members, but  Other mission driven people from all around the world you deserve to feel less alone and like you are succeeding Even when it feels like you're not so go to loveyourlifeonpurpose.

com And click join or you can search love your life on purpose with Michelle on Facebook  Now the next time someone asks you to do something ask yourself this one question before saying yes   the question is Is this for me or is this for them?  And the caveat with that is  if I'm going to say yes to this am I saying yes for me or am I saying yes for them? 

And this is even when someone's asking you for help, it can still be for you, even if someone is needing your help.  , so here's the difference is when you say yes,  And it's for someone else and you're already overwhelmed.  And then you have to go and do this thing or show up for this event.

You're often doing it resentfully,  number one. And a lot of times it can feel heavier to follow through on your yes. We don't want to say yes and then feel resentful to people, right? We don't want to resent other people. We don't want to resent doing good things.  So instead of saying yes, because you feel like you should, or because you feel like you have to, or because you feel like you're obligated to,  ask yourself, am I saying yes for me?

Or am I saying yes for them?   When you say yes for you.  And you're already overwhelmed. Then when you go to do that thing or show up to that event, it'll feel lighter. You'll feel more joy and you'll actually be a little bit more excited to do it than if it feels like an obligation. 

Don't underestimate. The value of how you feel because it is directly related to how much energy you have and that's how you're able to continue to show up powerfully and create the change that you want to create around the world and continue to be a mission driven leader around the world. Thank you for joining me today.

If you like this episode, feel free to like and subscribe, especially if you're watching on YouTube so you don't miss the next episode and always remember that you are worth it.