When Being the Default Leads to Burnout (and How to Protect Your Mission)

Are you the default person in your family, business, or community—and quietly burning out because of it?

In this deeply honest episode, Michelle Vande Hey shares what she’s navigating right now as a business owner, caregiver, and mission-driven leader—and the powerful reminder it brought about self-care, sustainability, and capacity.

If you love what you do but feel exhausted, disconnected, or on the edge of burnout, this episode is for you. Michelle explores why passion doesn’t replace rest, how being the “default human” creates a hidden burden for leaders, and why self-care that actually works must be systemic—not reactive.

You’ll walk away with practical, realistic steps to protect your energy, support your nervous system, and care for yourself in ways that sustain both you and your mission.

In This Episode, We Cover:

• Why being the “default” person is a major (often invisible) contributor to burnout
• The early signs of burnout mission-driven leaders often ignore
• Why loving your work doesn’t mean you have unlimited capacity
• The difference between reactive self-care and systemic self-care
• How pre-scheduled care can support you during hard weeks
• Why five-minute habits matter more than you think
• How to build self-care systems that hold you when life gets heavy

Practical Takeaways:

1. Identify where you are the default—and the cost of carrying that role
2. Schedule self-care like survival, because it is
3. Build your self-care systems for the hard weeks, not the easy ones

Thoughtful Three Reflection Questions:

1. Where in my life am I the default—and what is that costing me right now?
2. What is one small act of care I can schedule this week (not someday)?
3. What support does future me need that I can plan for today?

Resources Mentioned:

• Free Self-Care Cheat Sheet:
   20 self-care habits that take 5 minutes or less—designed for busy, overwhelmed leaders https://www.michellevandehey.com/offers/DXtKeqHP/checkout 

If this episode resonated, share it with someone who’s carrying a lot and say, “I thought of you.”

 Your mission is worth it—and you are worth it too.

Download the Self-Care Cheat Sheet

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Transcript

  📍 Is the weight of leadership, parenting, and passion turning into burnout? Does your mission sometimes feel like it's suffocating you instead of fulfilling you? If that's you are not alone. And today's episode is especially for you because  I wanna be really honest with you, I'm in it right now and I'm tired, like really freaking tired.

And I know so many mission-driven leaders, caregivers, and change makers that are feeling the same way, especially those of you who are that default person, the default parent, the default leader, the default person in your business, in your community. You are the default.  If we haven't met yet, I'm Michelle Vande.

Hey,  conscious leadership. Coach and when Stories facilitator and I help mission driven leaders and change makers who are navigating burnout, compassion fatigue,  and vicarious trauma, and I help you reconnect with who you are outside of what you do, because you matter too.

Because you are worth it. And today I wanna share something very real  that I'm moving through really right now. And what it reminded me about self-care, sustainability, and leadership.  Lately, my family and I have been, I don't necessarily wanna say going through a lot.  We've just been working through things and first of all, I am the default parent  when things are hard, not when you wanna do something fun. 

And I am the default person in my business because I am the business and  I am just that go-to person. And I know many of you are that too. And so , it's hard to not get stuck down the spiral of  trying to put out the latest fire,  and it's all just taking a lot of my time and my energy and my mental capacity right now to manage health insurance, to manage appointments, to manage communicating with the school, to manage the household, to get everyone on the same page.

It's a lot. And then also to try and run a successful business from home.  And if you're someone who identifies as a woman, or you're maybe a caregiver, a business owner, and you're that default human, you know exactly what I mean. You're the one people come to, you're the one who remembers, and you're the one who holds it all together until it gets to a point where you can't hold it together in the more anymore. 

And you're also trying to run a business. You're wanting to lead your team and or change the world. That load adds up fast and I started noticing it and how I was showing up in my work. I still care deeply. I'm still excited about what I do, but the energy wasn't there

that disconnect, that's often the first whisper of burnout.

So last week it all came to a head. My daughter was just finishing being sick. Missing half of school the week before. I was then gaining her sickness and moved through it relatively quickly, but I still have a cough drop in my mouth, so I'm not coughing while recording this. And I kept thinking, I just wanna finish the year strong.

And why does this have to be so freaking hard? I wanted to feel more energized and I wanted to feel.  More excited, but instead I just felt  tired and alone and just I just don't wanna do this anymore. And what I was reminded of very clearly is that loving what you do does not mean you have unlimited capacity.

Passion doesn't replace rest.

Okay, I just have to go on this side note because I'm recording this  during winter break and my daughter just interrupted me. This is what I'm talking about. It's you are the default person. Now, granted, my husband is at home,  but even if he was, I guarantee she would come to me first. So here's what shifted for me last though,

I realized that  I didn't get nearly as sick as my daughter, thankfully and I didn't have to fully collapse or fully. Step away from everything. And I felt like a big part of that is because I already had support systems in place. I wasn't feeling overwhelmed and then thinking, oh my gosh, I need to do something for myself, but I don't have the time to do it, so then I don't do anything.

It wasn't last minute self care. It wasn't emergency fixes, but it was pre-scheduled care  and there were three things that happened to all fall in the same week without me having to plan it that way.  Number one, chiropractic care. My daughter and I go pretty much every week, and we had that scheduled for Monday, so I was very thankful that we both had that,  and that really helps me to feel supported in my body.

It helps my nervous system because pretty much every week I go in he is wow, are you stressed? And I'm like, how can you tell?  Second, I had a massage, so I schedule a massage once a month, typically. And it's a 30 minute massage. It's very challenging to find 30 minute massages, and there's even massage therapists out there that'll say  30 minutes is like not even worth it.

You really need to do an hour. But guess what? For me, that's what works in my schedule and I do it monthly and I find one that is affordable and that is really. Serving me. And that just happened to be last Wednesday. And I really needed it for my nervous system and for my whole body to feel in a state of relaxation ' cause that really helps me to then show up as my, the best version of myself.

And then thirdly, we had therapy last week, all three of us. And that.  It was also scheduled far in advance. So my massages and our therapist typically have to be scheduled three to six months in advance because they're both in high  demand and they just happened to all be last week, and this is what hit me. 

My past self took care of my future self and my present self was thanking me. I didn't wait until I was drowning and needing this life raft. I already had it built. And that's what I want you to hear today is that  self-care that actually works isn't reactive, it's systemic.

It's putting in the these systems in place so that when you are falling apart, you have things to lean on and help you.  And yes, tho those things I was talking about, those are bigger self-care practices because it does take a little bit of extra time and it does take a little bit of extra planning. But what I do every day matters just as much.

And what I'm talking about are these five minute habits, a five minute walk, a five minute pause, taking five minutes to breathe. Actually eating lunch. Yes, taking a break and eating lunch. These are things that are easy to do.  And they're just as easy not to do, and that's why I created my self-care cheat sheet.

It is 20 self-care habits that take five minutes or less that you can incorporate into your busy, hectic schedule that are gonna be that support system that are there for you no matter what. And the key is to schedule it in, especially when the, when there are these five minute pockets, because they're easy to do and they're easy not to do. 

 If it's not scheduled, it feels optional. And optional things are the first things to disappear when life gets hard. 

So here's what I want you to take away from today's episode. Number one. First notice where you are. The default. The default parent, the default caregiver, the default leader, the default emotional support system for people. Just start noticing.  That noticing can be so powerful.  Second, schedule care, like it's survival because it truly is.

Put the five minute things in your calendar. Treat them like meetings. You don't cancel.

And make sure you grab my self-care cheat sheet in the caption below.  Third, build your self-care system for the hard weeks, not the good weeks, because sickness will happen, life will happen, and your systems should hold you when you don't have the energy to hold yourself. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean you care less about your mission.

It means you're protecting it., before we get into the thoughtful three questions to ask yourself from this episode, be sure to  like, subscribe and comment.

 So your thoughtful three. Reflection questions for today. Number one, where in my life am I the default? And what is that costing me right now?  Number two, what is one small act of care that I can schedule this week, not someday, but this week?

And number three, what support does future me need that I can plan for today?  You don't have to have all of the answers at once. Start with one., if this episode resonated with you, please know that you are not alone. This season doesn't have to take you out. And if you know someone who's carrying a lot, share this episode with them and say, I thought of you.

You're always welcome to leave a comment or a review and let me know your biggest takeaway or your biggest self-care challenge. And always remember, yes, your mission is worth it and you are worth it too.