The Secure Love Club Podcast

Ep #2: How To Navigate Dating Multiple People In The Early Stages Of Dating

• Mimi Watt • Episode 2

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In episode two of the Secure Love Club podcast, I discuss the benefits of dating multiple people in the early stages to manage anxious attachment tendencies, protect emotional well-being, and ultimately gain clarity on what you're looking for in a partner. I share practical tips such as setting clear intentions, maintaining honesty on dating profiles, understanding when to disclose you're seeing other people, and the importance of not taking rejection personally. Listen in to learn how to date with integrity while having fun and protecting your energy.

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast with Mimi Watt, episode two. Hey friends, welcome back to the club. Oh my gosh, I just have to say straight up, a huge, huge thank you for your love and support on the first episode that dropped last week. I was inundated with messages from you telling me that it was helping you, that it was sounding great. And most importantly, that my story, my personal story that I shared with you of going from anxious to secure really resonated with you. And that you, you just felt seen and understood through me sharing my story. And that's exactly what my hope was. So it means so much. that that really actually hit the mark for you. And some of you have already dropped requests for other topics. You would love to hear me speak on, on the podcast. So please know that I am open to your suggestions. I welcome them. Jump over to Instagram and slide into my DMS, please. And give me a suggestion of what you would love to hear me talk about on the podcast, whether it's a specific topic that you want some tangible tips and tricks, if it's a personal share. So if there's something you want to know about my dating journey or my life in general, I welcome that as well. This is a space where we can go deep and I can share all the things, all the stories so that I can continue to help you. Now, today we are going to talk about navigating dating multiple people in the early stages of dating and how to just have healthy boundaries so that you can protect yourself while still having fun. And this topic is going to be for some of you, it's not going to be for others, and that is totally fine. But I know that there are lots of people in my audience who have this question sort of rolling around in their minds, you may be one of them, of, okay, I've heard people talk about dating multiple people. Is this a good thing? Is this a bad thing? Is it wrong? Is it right? Is it ethical? All the questions. So I am here to break it down for you and to give you some tips on how to navigate it with integrity whilst also having fun and just protecting each other. your energy, protecting your emotions, and also protecting and I guess being honorable to the people that you are dating. This is going to help you feel more empowered and in control in dating, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. Because We all know that it's very easy to get attached quickly to the first person that you meet in dating. I know you know what I'm talking about because this was me for many, many, many years. I would tell myself, all right, I'm not gonna get attached to the first person. I'm gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna play the field a bit like date round, and. Boom. The first person who, I don't, I don't even know if I could say that they were, you know, a great fit or compatible. I think when I was in the throes of my anxious attachment, it was, do they give me attention? Do I get butterflies around them? And can I see this going somewhere in some capacity? And like, that was enough for me to be hooked. Which is, It's just not the energy we want to bring into 2025. This is not the kind of person we are becoming. We are being like, we are better than that. You are better than that. And so this is going to help you have a fresh perspective on how dating multiple people at a time can actually be extremely beneficial for you as you are navigating your journey of going from anxious to secure. All right, let's dive in. I want to kick off this episode with running you through some of the reasons why this is going to help you in dating, because I want you to be able to make an informed decision about if this is something that you want to do. If this is an approach to dating that feels aligned with what you're looking for, what you want. And if you believe it's going to serve you, because I always say that When it comes to knowing what is best for you, you are the wisest person in the room. So I want you to take all of my advice, my tips and wisdom, Take it with a grain of salt. Take what applies to you and use it if it feels good. And if there's things that don't feel good for you or don't feel aligned, that's okay, too. And you can toss it in the bin or you can mentally put it on a shelf for later and use it at another time if it feels right in the future. So, how is this going to help you in dating? The first and probably most important point is it. When you decide to open yourself up to dating multiple people, so when I say that, it could be two, three, four, and, maybe it's you're actively, you're going on dates, maybe it's you're still in the, the chatting stages and you're getting to know a few different people, whatever it is, it's going to help you slow down the attachment process. process because you're spreading your attention across multiple people. So remember what I said just a few minutes ago, when you have an anxious attachment style, you're what is called an attachment system, which is the part of you that helps you to feel safe and secure in relationships, in love. Think of it as a glowing ball. And instead of just having a, you know, a nice warm glow, it's on fire. And this is sort of what your attachment system is like before you've healed your anxious attachment style and become more secure within yourself. So this attachment system is highly activated. It is hyper vigilant and it is on the lookout. It is hunting down. the first person who you can place your attention onto and start to develop attachment. So it wants to create those ties to someone to soothe the part of you that is wanting to feel safe and secure, because maybe you aren't at the stage yet where you have learned to provide that sense of deep safety and security within yourself. If you think about it, if there's only one person who you are chatting to and dating, it's so easy to put all of your attention on them and really become very obsessed over their every move, every interaction you have with one another whether they text you, whether they don't, you know, being very fixated on how long it takes for them to text you or reply to you, you might leave yourself. totally open and available for this one person because you're like, I just, I want them to want to see me. So I'm just going to leave myself totally available so that when they message me, I can say, yes, I'm free. And I can see you. Right. But when you're talking to multiple people, you have to divide your attention. It forces you to spread it out across multiple people. So you become Less fixated on one person and you're balancing out your emotional awareness across different people, which is going to help your attachment system slow the fuck down and not want to go crazy if there's just one person there that it can latch onto. Another way that it's going to help you is it's going to lessen the blow if one person ends it or goes to or isn't available. Because you have other options. So, if there's, let's say there's three people on your, I'm gonna say roster, you might hate that word, but I'm just gonna call it that. Let's say you've got three people on your roster, and you're kind of into them, there's one person you're maybe a bit more into, and if that person, decides that they're not feeling it and wants to move on, or if they're not available one weekend to hang out, or they're not as communicative on text, yes, it still might sting a little bit, but it's not going to be as painful because you're like, okay, that kind of sucks, but you know what? It's all right, because I've got other options. I've got these other people over here who I'm also interested in. So let me just go and direct my attention there and, get some of my emotional needs met from this person or that person. So it's going to lessen that emotional blow, which is really helpful because. Dating is complicated and dating can be really shit sometimes and it can be intense and yes, we get hurt and our emotions are involved, but if we can take steps to help mitigate some of that pain, then why aren't we doing that, right? And this is one of the ways you can do that. And I speak from personal experience. The next way that dating multiple people is going to help you is you are going to get very clear on what you want and what you don't want in a partner. I always say contrast creates clarity. You know when someone says to you, So, what do you want in a partner? And you kind of scratch your head and you're like well, I want someone who's nice and considerate and funny. And, you know, it's like, yeah, okay. But we all want that. Like that's the bare minimum, but what does it really mean? Like, what is the granular, the micro details, the way someone treats you, the way they respond to conflict, their communication styles, all of this stuff is what you are going to. discover when you're actively dating different types of people. If you are only dating one person, how do you know if they are actually what you want? You don't, because you need to have contrast in order for it to be obvious. This is like the law of duality in life. We need to have an opposite or something contrasting in order to understand what something is. So, for example, we need to have light so we know what darkness is. We need to have positive emotions so we understand what negative emotions are. We have to have opposites. And by dating multiple people, the image of what you want in someone is going to become clearer and clearer and clearer because you're going to have lots of different things people experiences to compare to. Even if it comes down to, you know, sexually or physical intimacy, how do you know what you like and don't like if you're not opening yourself up to different experiences and people to gain that clarity. And then the final piece of How this is going to help you is it is going to massively boost your confidence because a big part, you know, a big part of confidence in dating, people always ask me like, how do you become more confident? How, how are you confident in putting yourself out there, in having conversations, in doing whatever it is in your life? The answer is it comes down to building competence. If you are competent at something, it means you can do that thing. You've developed the skill to go and do it. Dating is no different. If you want to become confident in talking about yourself, in asking questions, communicating your needs and your wants, setting boundaries, walking away when someone has a whole bunch of red flags, in hearing and listening and acting on your intuition. All of this stuff, if you want to get better at it, you need to do more of it. So the more people you are engaging with, the faster you are going to build your competence. And therefore the faster you are going to boost your confidence. So as you can see, there are so many benefits to taking this approach to dating. And just so you know, I'm not pulling this out of my ass. I mean, as I've mentioned, everything I talk about here, Pretty much comes from a combination of my own study gathering knowledge, but especially experience. Everything I'm talking to you about, I've pretty much been through and I have stories for anything, anything you want to throw at me. I'm sure I've got a story. So I really can say this with integrity. But this idea of dating multiple people, I first found out about it when I read the book Attached by Amir Levine, and this book is written by psychologists, clinical psychologists they did studies involved, so you, you know, it has scientific backing. And This was a suggested strategy for people with anxious attachment was to date multiple people for these reasons that I have just given you. Okay, so we know it's a trusted and backed source. Now, let's dive into the good stuff. Let's dive into some tangible tips that you can implement to make this approach to dating feel as smooth, clear, and easy. intentional as possible. Tip number one is to, for yourself, set a clear intention. of what you want before you start dating, before you get out there. Get clear on what you're looking for, what you are available for, and what you're not available for. You really need to check yourself and get clear on, okay, am I in a place right now where I'm looking for a committed relationship? Do I have the emotional capacity, the availability to actually welcome and call in a relationship? Yes or no. If you do, great. If you are not sure, that's also okay. But if you are not looking for a relationship and you know that actually, I just want to be dating casually right now, I'm in a pha I'm at a phase in my life where I want to be dating, but I don't really want any strings attached. That is totally okay, but you just want to get clear on your intention for yourself. Because having a clear intention is going to help direct your decisions, your actions, and your behavior when you are out there dating. Just like when you get in the car to drive to a certain destination, you've got to have a clear roadmap or you've got to know where it is you're trying to go in order to know where to go on the road, like where to turn, where to slow down, where to speed up, et cetera. So set that clear intention for yourself. The next step is you want to be very clear about what you're looking for on your dating profile. This is if you are on the apps. Some people detest the apps. Some people love them. Some people feel a bit lukewarm about them. I think the apps can be an amazing dating tool if you use them in the right way. And I could go into a whole episode on this, but You, you have got to stop using the dating apps like another form of social media, okay? You know what I'm talking about. And look, I am the first person to say I'm guilty of this. So, mm hmm, let's just put that out there. But I'm talking about when you're not even really sure that you want to be dating, you're not really into it, but every night in bed you just like, Pick up your phone and you'll check Instagram. And then you'll also just jump on the apps. You'll jump on Hinge or Bumble or whoever, and you'll just have a random quick scroll because you just want to see who's there. And maybe you're looking for a quick hit of validation, but you're not really into it. So then you just like throw your phone on the bed after five minutes. This is leaky energy. Okay. This is dirty energy. This is leaking your potential in dating. We need to cut that now. You either want to be dating or you don't, let's just get clear about that. Now, if you are on the apps, be clear and upfront about what you're looking for. I know that Hinge has some really good options now where you can put, you know, you're like looking for a committed relationship. You, I think it says like, you just want casual, like fun flings or something. It'll say Looking for long term open to short, looking for short open to long. So just get clear and. Put what is the truest representation of where you're at and you want to do this so that you can magnetize the right people and repel the wrong ones, and if you are someone who you go to put, you know, let's say you actually want a committed relationship and when it comes time to pick an option, you hesitate. to actually put that on your profile? Why are you hesitating? Is it because you are scared that if you're straight and you're in heterosexual relationships, do you have some sort of narrative that tells you that guys only want girls who are open to casual relationships. So therefore I should put that because that will give me the highest chance of matching with a lot of people. If this is you, here is your permission slip and little smack on the bum to not do this. Because if you do, you are going to be attracting the wrong sorts of people, people who do only want a casual fling. And then surprise, surprise, when you actually fall for them or tell them you want a relationship, And they shut you down, or they say, well, I'm not looking for that, you're gonna get hurt. Okay, there are people who are looking for the same thing as you, but the only way they're going to find you is if you are upfront about that yourself first. I went through a casual dating error at the back. No, when was it? Yeah, the second half of 2023, And I just straight up put, I'm looking for short term relationships, casual relationships. And it was great because the people who came into my world, we were a match. And I'll tell you a story about this in a second. But let's move on to tip number three, which is, and this is sort of a, you've got to use it. your own discernment to navigate this one. But I just want to put this out there because I know a lot of people have this question. You don't owe anyone an explanation up front. Okay. Unless you want to be extremely clear from the get go. You, when you are not exclusive in dating, You don't have to explicitly say that you are dating other people at the same time as you're getting to know this person. Just like they don't have to tell you, you're not in a relationship, you don't owe them shit, they don't owe you shit, and it's okay to, you know, still be a good person and just take your time getting to know them, but in this initial stage, you don't owe anyone an explanation. And I had actually, I was talking to a client on a call the other day, and we were talking about this very topic. And she said to me, well, what if I start talking to other people or I date, I date this guy, and then I date this guy. And it so happens that they end up being friends. And then they find out that I'm dating both of them. And I looked her and I said, Yeah? so what? You don't owe them the explanation. And I said, I guarantee you that the guys or the people you're talking to are also talking to other people, and she kind of had a bit of a stunned look on her face and I said, yes, that's right. That is right, my love. The sooner you accept that and just know that, The better off you're going to be like, don't kid yourself into thinking that just because you're having a nice conversation with someone, or you've been on one nice date that all of a sudden you are their world. You are still essentially strangers and it's okay to date multiple people and to take your time and get to know people so that when, you know, If you do want to take it further, and you make that decision, you know you're making a decision based on clarity. You've dated around, you've said, I like this and this person, I don't really like this, but having those other experiences makes it really obvious for me that you are the person I want to go deeper with. Now, coming back to, if you want to be upfront from the beginning, and you want to be very clear, this might be more You know, when I was in my casual dating era, I made the decision and the commitment to myself that for the next few months, it went on for about six months, I did not want a deep emotional connection. I had just been through a very significant breakup six months prior. And I knew within myself, I didn't have the emotional availability or capacity to go down that road with, with anyone else. So I knew I wanted to keep it casual. So that's what I put on my profile. And I met a guy. A really lovely guy, and we started talking, and he said, Hey, like, I'm also looking for something casual, just want to be clear about that. I said, Perfect, thank you, I appreciate it, me too. And I said to him, Okay, so what does that mean to you? What does a casual relationship look like to you? Because even if it's casual, you can still be very open and clear about what that looks like, because we want to In this whole situation, we want to mitigate as much confusion as we possibly can. So he and I had a very mature open discussion to see if we were on the same page and we both said, yeah, look, we want to go on dates. We want to hang out. You know, if we get physical, like, we're You know, if we like each other, then that's obviously a part of the deal. And we just don't necessarily need to get that deep with one another. And we'll just keep the communication open as we go. And if it changes for one of us, we will let the other person know. And it was great. It was amazing. Because we set the tone from the beginning, we both knew what we were getting ourselves in for, which meant there were no surprises or getting hopes up and then getting hopes, you know, let down because you thought it was one thing when it was actually another. And so he and I were in a casual relationship for, I think it was about two years. Three months, and I told him and he told me that, yep, we're seeing other people and that's okay. And, you know, practicing safe sex and all the other, but yeah, like that was how it went and it was great. tip number four leading on from this is that there will come a point where you will know that it's appropriate to let them know that you're seeing other people, either because they ask you directly like they bring it up and want to talk about it, or because you just feel like it's the right time to talk about it, or because you can sense that they're getting in maybe a little bit deeper than you are, and you actually just want to do the right thing and protect their feelings and just be a good human being and let them know where you're at, okay? Another personal story with when I started dating my, my ex, my most recent ex. I, this, this was actually prior to this casual dating error. So he and I met back in the end of 2021. And at that stage, I, I more was looking for a relationship and so was he, but I was also wanting to take my time. And he knew that now he had decided. Much sooner than I did that he was ready to go all in and he was like look I'm gonna be straight up. I've been on the apps for a while I've met you and you are everything I have been looking for I know that I only want to give you my attention and my efforts So I've actually deleted the apps But if you want to continue dating around and get to know a few other people That is okay. Like I just want to put that out there You And I mean, you can see why I fell for the guy. I mean, what a green flag. It's like, I'm here for you. I know you're what I want, but if you want to take some extra time and you want to just meet a few other people and make sure that if I'm the one you choose, you know, you're, I, you know, I'm what you want, then you can absolutely go for it. And this actually made it really hard to try get to know other people because, I mean, this was just one of his many green flags, but, we just had very open communication and I kept letting him know where I was at with that, how I was feeling, and then not long after, I decided that actually, you know what, I do just want to, go further in our connection. And so we both got off the apps and then shortly after we were in an exclusive relationship. So there is different settings, different ways to go about this, but just really trust your intuition and your discernment and read the room. You are, a intelligent, emotionally intelligent, capable human being. I know you are because you're here listening to my podcast and you're the kind of people I hang around. Okay. So I trust that you can use your discernment here, but the underlying message is that you don't owe an explanation upfront until it's time to have that conversation. Being clear and honest and direct is is the best thing you can do in dating to protect yourself and to enjoy your dating experiences and also to just put some good karma out there, right? I always say to my clients, Be the kind of person that you would want to date. That means, if you want to date someone who is honest and direct with you, even if you may not like what they have to say, if you value that, Then you have to be that person first. You've got to show up that way. If you want to be with someone who is honest, if they're sleeping with multiple people, you've got to be upfront about that too. Okay. So if at any point you are stuck and you're like, I don't know what to do here. Just ask yourself the question. Well, If the shoe was on the other foot, what would I want that person to do for me? How would I want, how would I want them to show up and treat me? And that is the quickest way to get your answer. My final tip on this approach to dating is to release the urge to want to make a move. everything a reflection of yourself. Now I know for my anxious attached girlies and guys and people, this is a very strong knee jerk reaction to make everything mean something about you, if someone doesn't text you back fast enough, if someone doesn't want to continue dating you, if they ghost you, if they're a jerk, whatever it might be, It's very easy to take that behavior and say, Oh my God, it's because I'm not good enough, or it's because there's something wrong with me, or I'm not pretty enough. I'm not interesting enough. I don't have enough to say. Whatever it is, please drop that now. This is not to say that you are not going to maintain your sense of self awareness and ability to take on feedback and have open, real conversations. It just means that I want you to detach from that. needing things to go a certain way all the time. And from needing to have the most perfect positive experiences with every person that you date, because it's just not realistic. It's just not real reality. And the more fluid and less attached to the outcome you can be, the more fun you are going to have. Even if you have set your intentions that you're like, Oh, I want a relationship, and I, I'm going to date for the end goal of meeting someone and getting into a relationship. That is amazing, that is beautiful, but still, enjoy the process of dating. Keyword there being awkward. Process. Enjoy the journey, and let it be one part of your life, don't stop filling up your other buckets. Don't stop seeing your friends, doing your workout routine, focusing on your career, having me time, having that space. Self care time. Don't stop doing all of those things. Just because you've decided that dating is something you're now going to do intentionally. It may take up more of your time because I know you're busy. You've got a whole life you've got to live. And when we bring dating into the mix, it does require more of our time, attention, energy, emotions, et cetera. But still let it be a beautiful compliment to your life. Don't let it overtake your life. And I, I know this is easier said than done, because I've been where you are, but try to take it less seriously. Try to just see it as you're just getting to know people. You're going on dates, you're curious about who this person is, you want to get to know them. And it's not the be all end all if it doesn't work out with one person. There are so many people in this world to meet, to engage with, and the more you can enjoy the process, be less attached to the outcome, stop making everything mean something about you personally, the better experience you get. you are going to have. All right, my loves, I'm going to leave it there. I hope these tips have helped you. And if you are dating at the moment and you start to implement these tips, I would love to hear how they go for you. Slide over into my DMS. Give me your feedback. Let me know how it goes. Let's keep the, the dating fun, keep the dating fluid. Let's keep our integrity. And just be secure, kings and queens. All right, with all of that being said, have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on socials so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.