The Secure Love Club Podcast

Ep #3: How To Identify Avoidant Behaviour Early On And What Secure Signs To Look For In Dating

• Mimi Watt • Episode 3

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In episode three of the Secure Love Club podcast, we dive into how to identify avoidant behaviour early on and what secure signs to look for in dating. I break down the top five OBVIOUS and SUBTLE red flags you need to know. We also discuss the role of intuition and unpack common dating patterns to look out for to ensure more secure and fulfilling relationships.

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  • The high-level behaviours and mindset that you can implement RIGHT NOW to overcome dating anxiety.
  • My signature 3-step process to break free from toxic dating patterns, raise your standards, and become a match for your ideal partner.  

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast with Mimi Watt, episode three. Hey friends, welcome back to the club. Before we dive into today's episode, I want to let you know about a very exciting announcement. Next week on Monday, the 17th of Feb, I'm going to be running a free masterclass called Secure Dating 101, Your Guide to Becoming a Secure Dater in 2025. My community has grown so much. substantially over the past few months. And so many of you want to level up this year. You want to learn what it really takes to move away from anxious dating patterns and become secure in yourself. You want to feel excited about dating. You want to have better relationships and be that person who has the results you want. And I want to help you in this training. I'm going to break down and study the people who I have worked with and that I see do really well in their relationships. Those people who know what they want and don't settle for anything less. People who are secure in themselves and have grounded, fulfilling relationships without being riddled with anxiety and people who have a vibrant life. Irrespective of being in a relationship or not and the stuff they do on a daily basis and what they don't do. These really are the secure daters that I know that you are aspiring to be like, and I'm going to make it so much easier for you to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you want to be. This masterclass is for you if you keep getting stuck in situationships that don't end up progressing to a committed relationship and you want to break out of this pattern so you can experience secure, healthy love. It's for you if you know you have an anxious attachment style, you have those attachment tendencies, and you've been trying to work on them. Maybe you've been going to therapy on and off, you've read books, you listen to podcasts. And whilst you're making small, Some progress. So maybe you're recognizing red flags. You're being more open and communicating your needs. You're still feeling out of control in dating. There's something missing and you're still experiencing that extreme anxiety. and can't concentrate on anything else other than freaking out about why they haven't messaged you back. It's for you, if despite having so many amazing qualities, you sometimes wonder if a secure relationship will even work. ever happen, or if you're worthy of it. Like, are you really worthy of love? And you try your best to maintain a positive mindset, but when you're having an anxious flare up or you're going through a breakup, these thoughts become all consuming and really bring your energy down. It's for you if you get stuck in overthinking and get easily attached to someone, making it really hard to get over them and move on when it doesn't work out. This masterclass is for you if you want to get into a more secure, grounded place ASAP, rather than waiting until you get into another situation ship to see how you handle it. You want tangible tactics you can use when you get into an anxious situation to be able to manage it in a secure way and with a lot less stress. You want to feel happy with yourself and your life. Regardless of if you're in a relationship or not, and you recognize that you have these unhealthy relationship patterns and. The common denominator in all of your relationships is you. You are ready to step up, to take accountability, to control the controllables, and really figure out what changes you can make to attract the right people and get into a secure, committed relationship. You will leave this masterclass knowing the real stuff it takes to become a Secure Data in 2025. No fluff, just facts and practical tips. The high level behaviors and mindset that you can implement right now to overcome dating anxiety and my signature three step process to break free from toxic dating patterns, raise your standards and become a match for your ideal partner. The information is below it's free, get in or don't get in. But if you want this for yourself this year, you You need to start putting yourself in rooms where you are receiving the information that is actually going to help you grow. You won't want to miss this. To save your spot, click the link in the description box below. And there's something very juicy for those of you who show up live. So do your best to be there live. All of the information you need to know is in that link. Click it below in the description box, and I can't wait to see you there. All right, let's dive into today's episode. Today we are talking about how to identify avoidance in people early on and what secure signs to look for. A really big part of becoming secure in dating is knowing what signs, characteristics, and behaviors to look out for in people that you're dating to be able to detect if they might be more on the avoidant end of the spectrum. And when you're in the throes of your anxious attachment, when it has its claws gripped deep into you, it can feel really difficult to hear or trust your intuition clearly. You know, you probably are used to getting some sort of gut feeling or those little nudges along the way that sound like, You know, sound like that little voice saying, this person isn't good for you. This person isn't good for you. But as a result of being told, maybe that, you know, you're crazy or you're too emotional or you're overthinking it, you're just making a big deal out of nothing and being shut down as a result of this happening. You know, compounding over the years, I'm going to go ahead and say that you and your intuition don't have the strongest relationship right now. And you often ignore it, which means you probably second guess yourself and you lack the confidence. to listen to your intuition and act on it until it's too late. Am I right or am I right? I know I'm right because I've been in your shoes. I've absolutely been there. Your intuition is like a built in bodyguard. It knows what's up and it will be your ultimate protector and guide in telling you what to do to keep yourself safe and ultimately in alignment with the types of people and relationships that are right for you. And the The best way to strengthen your relationship with it is to act in accordance with what it tells you. Okay. I see people doing this all the time in clients that I work with people that I'm talking to their intuition literally speaks through them. They keep telling me the answer to their problems, but then they just, you know, sorry to say this, but like shit all over it and just come in with all these other justifications or reasons as to why their intuitive answer is wrong. isn't correct, why they shouldn't listen to it. And I used to do this too. And the reason this keeps happening is because you are currently just rooted in fear, because we will always choose a familiar chaos over an unfamiliar piece. And often listening to your intuition means having to face a very bitter truth or a hard truth, right? It's a hard pill to swallow, but the truth has legs and it will remain standing. If you take anything away from this episode, let it be that sentence because that could not be just a more accurate representation of the role that your intuition plays in your life. It will not go away. You can ignore it, ignore it, ignore it for as long as possible, but you will reach a breaking point where you eventually have to listen to it. Okay. So. Until you get to the point where you listen to your gut without question, you need to know what the obvious and more subtle red flags are that indicate this person is not a good fit for you. And what secure signs to look out for. If you want to move away from feeling anxious as fuck and towards feeling grounded, safe, and self assured. Now, some of these may, you may already be aware of. Others not, but I just encourage you to open your mind and let this information sink in so you can empower yourself because after all knowledge is power. And really on this journey of healing, I do believe that it doesn't hurt to hear things three, four, five, 10 times. Like often we need to hear these things so many times before it really, it really sinks in. I'm going to share some personal stories in this episode from my own dating life to help paint a very clear picture of how the more subtle red flags can show up, because they can be very sneaky and even as I was becoming more and more secure, I still attracted or, I mean, I still attracted some avoidant people and I missed these subtleties in the beginning that looking back, Were definitely warning signs, but I actually, the reason I just kind of hesitated there is because I want to, you know, pull myself up on saying attracting avoidant people. I think, you know, even when you are secure, you can attract avoidant people, you can attract secure people, but the difference is having the awareness and the ability to recognize that it is someone who's avoidant and then make the decision to walk away. That is the power. That is the power that this awareness brings you. And on that note, it's very important for me to say to you that Healing is not a linear journey. It's really not. You can take five steps forward and two steps back. In fact, you probably will because it's a natural part of the process. And I know I did. And the best thing you can do when this happens is to be so deeply compassionate with yourself. Beating yourself up and being hard on yourself is the equivalent of an emotionally unavailable partner getting pissed at you, shutting you down and making you feel awful for making a mistake. So let's not do that to ourselves. Okay? In fact, I want you to make a promise to yourself right now that you won't beat yourself up for missing red flags. For not speaking up when you know you should have, for getting involved with an avoidant person, for sleeping with someone too soon, and that you will be compassionate and encourage yourself to reflect and learn from the situation so that you can do better next time. So, repeat after me. If you are alone in a quiet space, say this out loud. If you're out on your walk, say it in your head or out loud. Whatever, repeat after me. I promise to be kind to myself on this healing journey. I will do the best I can with what I know at the time, learn from my mistakes, and continue to educate myself and seek support to become the most secure version of myself. Okay, good. You can't break that promise. Now we can get into the juicy stuff. I've narrowed it down to my top five obvious red flags and five subtle ones, along with their secure sign. the counterparts. Now, keep in mind that there are so many different red flags when it comes to dating and it comes to people who are avoidant and emotionally unavailable. But if we sat here going through all of them, we'd literally be here for hours. So I'm going to talk about the ones that I think are the most important for you to really be aware of and become attuned to. So kicking off with the obvious ones, the ones that tend to show up early on. The first one is inconsistent communication patterns. So, imagine this, right, in a dating situation, you're having a great conversation, let's say it's over text, you know, it's these early stages, it's fun, it's engaging, it's filled with all these little details about your day, and then suddenly you go from receiving messages on a consistent basis to radio silence for days on end. It feels like you're chasing after someone who's only intermittently interested in you and your mind starts racing and you begin to wonder if you said something wrong or if they're just not that into you, right? This inconsistency in them being present and clear in their communication with you. It's very dysregulating for your nervous system because one moment or for a few days in a row or for a week you're getting all of this attention and that's fine. Feeding your need for approval, for validation, of being seen, of being heard. It feels so good. And then all of a sudden they drop off. Think about how jarring that is for your nervous system. This is a big red flag and the secure sign. So we look at the opposite of this. A healthy connection is when you're going to have a consistent flow of communication. even if life gets busy. Okay. So people who are secure and here for something like really here for the right reasons, they're not going to be throwing the classic tagline at you of like, I was just busy. I was just really busy. Sorry. It's like, yeah, everyone's busy. Hello. Everyone's busy. It doesn't mean you can't have the decency of letting the other person know. And a secure person, will always let you know if they're tied up with work or if they need a bit of space, that's fine, but they'll always check in and they'll send a thoughtful message or even if it's just a quick like, Hey, thinking of you, or letting you know, Hey, I'm really slammed at work right now. I'm thinking of you. but I'm not going to be on my phone for the rest of the day, I'll give you a call when I finished work or I'll check in with you after I finished work. And then when it comes time that they finished work, they actually do that. So it feels very reliable and reassuring and you're never left hanging. This one thing was a massive difference in my relationship with my avoidant ex and my secure ex. With my avoidant ex, there was always these times when I was left hanging. I didn't know what was happening. He would say he would get back to me or let me know what was going on. And then he wouldn't. And I would be left so anxious, just wanting a bit of reassurance. And then when I would ask for that, he would get angry at me and tell me I was being too needy and clingy. Awful, right? I'm sure you've experienced that. But then with my secure ex, that was never a problem. He would always just keep me in the loop, just let me know what was going on. He was consistent with his word. He would follow through. It's not that hard, but him doing that made a world of difference. difference to how I felt in the relationship. I felt calm, I felt secure, I felt considered, and it allowed me to relax, like relax a little bit and get on with my day and get on with the other things in my life that were important to me. So this is a sign I want you to look out for. Number two is deflecting emotional conversations. Okay, so this is when maybe you're, you're in those early stages of dating and you try to open up a bit about how you're feeling. Maybe you are sharing something personal, or you're trying to take the conversation in a more emotional direction. And The person will really quickly shift gears. So they will like crack a joke, and use their humor to deflect, or they will try and change the conversation by, you know, it's like, Oh yeah. Like, I don't know. I'm just, I'm just not that, I'm not really into deep talks or deep conversations. Or they will take what you have told them in your attempt to be vulnerable and open and come back at you with like some really cold, clinical response. Something that doesn't convey a lot of empathy and they're just sort of wanting to brush over and like change the conversation. in this instance, you're going to feel like you're being shut down, when you're trying to connect on a deeper level. And usually this instance is very similar to how you might've felt when you were a child, when you, you have this attempt to connect with your parent or caregiver, or you just want to be seen in your vulnerability, in your emotion. And they are deflecting that conversation. They're just too busy. They're not available. They're, Oh, I'm just busy with work. Or, or they just, you know, Tell you it's not a big deal, like, don't worry, it's not a big deal, just get over it. Or the classic, there are children in Africa starving. This isn't a big problem. Why are you so upset about this? Like, far out, that one gets me. The secure sign is a red flag. This person will welcome your vulnerability. They are going to listen very intently when you share what's on your mind. They are going to ask follow up questions, and maybe even share something about themselves to show you that they accept this level of vulnerability. They're going to involve themselves in the conversation. So, for example, if you mention feeling a bit overwhelmed by work, let's say you have a really difficult day, and they might say, You know, like, I get that. It sounds really overwhelming. Okay, so they're listening, they're validating your emotion, and then they might say something like, would you like some advice or just comfort? Okay, and I mean, if someone says that to you, that is like the creme de la creme. They are emotionally intelligent. Okay? Being able to, instead of just jump to giving you solutions, or trying to shut down the conversations, it's like, yeah, do you want some, do you want advice or do you just want some comfort? Or maybe they'll Empathize with your situation and say, yeah, like, I get that work can be really overwhelming. You know, sometimes when I'm in a similar situation, I'll do X, Y, Z. And I find that really helps me. Like, maybe that will help you. So they're not afraid to lean into these more emotional conversations. And they actually like it because the right person will be similar to you in that they are craving that emotional depth. And it shows that they're ready for an honest, empathetic conversation. Number three is a reluctance to label the relationship or to give a definition of what they're looking for. So let's say you've been dating someone for, It could be like a couple of dates, a few dates, a few weeks, a few months. And you're at the point where you're starting to wonder about, you know, where this might be heading. You want to get clear on what this person's intentions are because you don't want to waste your time, right? So you casually ask, So, you know, how are you feeling about this? Like, where do you, where do you see it heading for your, for yourself? And their reply is really vague and they'll just say something like, Oh, like, let's just see where it goes. Or if you say, so like, what are you looking for out of dating at the moment? And they're like, Oh, I don't really know. I'm just like happy to see where things go. I'm just kind of leaving it a bit open ended right now. This kind of language is very indicative that someone is not emotionally available. they currently don't have the capacity or availability to go deeper and have a serious relationship. So they want to just, you know, they want to brush over it. They don't want to put a label on anything. They don't want to be super obvious about what they're looking for, because when it's vague and undefined, that's when they can take a bit more of what they want without needing to give too much of themselves. This is going to leave you feeling really uncertain about where you stand and almost like you're waiting on the sidelines. Like, you're just waiting for them to make up their mind about what they want. This is a big red flag and you need to be careful that you don't stick around for too long if this is the pattern this person is creating. I would urge you to really see that for what it is. And that is, this person is telling you that they are not ready for a relationship. On the opposite hand, the secure partner is going to be much more comfortable in defining the relationship. So, they will be willing to have that, you know, where are we going type conversation. Even if it's just to agree on taking things slow together. So, for instance, they might say, you know, I really enjoy spending time with you and I would love to see where this leads. Let's talk about what we both want. You see the difference there? It's not just, oh, let's just see where it goes. It's, yeah, I want to see where this goes. Let's talk about, let's talk about what we both want. Let's talk about how we're feeling, if there's any expectations here. Let's get really clear on this together so that no one gets hurt or blindsided. And that is the kind of clarity that is going to build trust and set very clear expectations. Number four is frequent cancellations or last minute changes. Okay, I've been here and this one drove me insane when I was dating avoidance. Let's say you have a cute dinner, like a dinner date planned or you, whatever date is lined up, and this person has this annoying pattern of cancelling last minute because of a. Sudden conflict that keeps happening again and again. This is going to feel extremely frustrating because you're not going to feel prioritized and newsflash, you're not being prioritized, they are just avoiding the intimacy that comes from spending quality time together. And this is the thing with someone who's deeply avoidant is on some level, they actually do want connection. They crave that. But their operating, their nervous system, their attachment system sees intimacy as a real threat to their independence. So when it comes to that crunch time, and they think, Oh my God, I'm going on this really romantic dinner date tonight, or I'm seeing her again, and this is like the second or third time this week, that's too much. They, their way of dealing with that is to self sabotage and just cancel and sort of pull away. Or not commit to plans ahead of time. So leaving it right to the last minute. And this happened with in past relationships of mine where, you know, it would be said, yeah, I'd love to see you sometime this weekend. There was no definition. There was no plans put in place. And it was sort of like, Oh yeah. Like, you know, I'm going out surfing with a mate today. I'll message you this afternoon. And so, and of course, because I was so anxious, I wasn't speaking up and advocating for myself. So I'm like, yeah, no worries. Like, just let me know, let me know when you're free. Oh my God. And just sitting at home for hours. staring at my phone, waiting for him to message, message me. Anytime my phone would vibrate, I would, you know, jump because I'm like, is it him? Is it him? Is he, is he finally getting to me? And I remember this one Sunday and I was honestly waiting for so long. And he, he took, he was out with his friends for, I don't know, like seven hours and messaged me at 7. 00 PM and was like, Hey, like, what are you up to? And I remember being so, annoyed and so frustrated because obviously I was pissed that I'd been left hanging for so long, but because I was still quite anxious, I disregarded that frustration because I wanted the connection so badly and I still wanted to see him despite the fact that he had just left me hanging and not, you know, committed to plan. So of course I went and I saw him. But this is definitely a big red flag. On the other hand, the secure partner respects your time. They motherfucking respect your time and they value the time that you spend together. So they are going to let you know early if something comes up and they're going to apologize sincerely. and quickly suggest another plan. This is what a secure person does. So for example, they might say, I'm really sorry about tonight. Something urgent came up. How about dinner tomorrow instead? So it shows that they actually care about making up for it and they're invested in you. It's giving that alternative of what about tomorrow night instead is a really big green flag. You want to look out for that. So they're taking accountability that they had to cancel, but. They're not just leaving it open ended. They're making sure there's a follow through. Number five is emotional detachment in interactions. And what I mean by that is how it's about how they show up in those more vulnerable conversations. So the red flag for this one is think about It's not always what someone says, it's also the way that they say it, okay? Because the actual literal words we speak count for a very low percentage of what makes up communication. Things like, tone and body language make up something like 70 percent of our communication. So you might notice that during, you know, these deeper conversations, even though they might be talking about certain things like their relationship past or certain emotions, You'll notice that their tone or their body language is feeling really distant or guarded. So maybe they're, they keep maintaining like a lot of physical space. They don't want to get too close or their response comes off as like overly clinical. So they might be talking about emotions and, and emotional subjects, but you don't. really feel that sense of emotion. It feels very clinical, a bit cold, a bit ordered, almost like they're just reading it out of a book sort of thing. Like that's, you know, and you're, and you're like, ah, I know they're saying this stuff, but it doesn't, I'm not feeling it. I'm not really feeling that. It's genuine, and they truly are present, and they actually want to be having this conversation. So if you're noticing that, it's definitely a sign that they're probably just telling you what they think you want to hear, but it's not actually genuine. The secure sign, or the secure person, they are all in. Emotionally and physically. So the signs you want to look for is when you are being vulnerable, they're going to be leaning in when you talk, it shows they're interested. They're going to be maintaining eye contact. And their tone and the way they talk to you is going to carry. warmth and interest. So let's say you're talking about something important to you. You're going to notice they might be nodding along. They're going to ask clarifying questions to make sure they're really, hearing you. And they might even share their own feelings on the topic. So again, they're going to, Take you talking about this stuff as an invitation for them to lean in as well. It's going to create this beautiful vibe where you both feel seen and heard. those are the five more obvious red flags to summarize, to recap. Number one is inconsistent communication. One minute they're all there, the next they're radio silent. Number two is deflecting emotional conversations. avoiding it like the plague, not wanting to go deep, cracking jokes, shifting gears. All that stuff. Number three is there's a strong reluctance to label the relationship, to put a label on it, or even to define what they want, what they're looking for. So they just want to see where things go. Number four is the frequent cancellations or last minute changes. So not committing to plans, cancelling at the last minute, and just avoiding quality time together. And number five is the emotional detachment in how they are showing up in those more vulnerable conversations and interactions. So thinking about their body language, their tone and the lack of warmth in where, when they're speaking about emotions and being overly clinical. Now let's talk about. five of the more subtle red flags. So these are things that you may not notice them straight away, but they can creep up and compound over time. The first one I want to talk about is not taking interest in your life. And this is something you need to pay close attention to. They may at first, share a personal story or two, or they just want to keep the conversation really surface level. There's nothing deep there. And they don't, take initiative or a strong interest in getting to know more about your life. So, for example, I was dating this guy and this is when I was in my casual dating era and I was pretty secure at this point, like this was after my secure relationship, I'd come a long way. But I met this one guy and I was very into him. And we had a pretty great connection, but I remember finding it very odd that he never asked questions about my work, like what I do for work, especially when I spoke about it. So I might have told him like, Oh, I'm running this, you know, free training coming up in a couple of weeks. I'm really excited about it. It's about XYZ. And he would just give me nothing. He'd be like, Oh, that's cool. And then change the subject. And I do remember being like, Huh. Like, why isn't he wanting to get to know more about my work? And over the weeks that I was seeing him, I, it started to become more and more obvious. And I remember thinking to myself, it's like, he doesn't want to get too invested in me and my life. I wonder why that is. And this guy turned out, you know, after, I think we might have been seeing each other for, I don't know, like a month and a half or, or two months. And then it turned out that he was really messed up about his ex still, and was absolutely not emotionally available. And I remember being like, huh, that makes a lot of sense. I should have seen that coming. But like I said at the beginning, We don't always get it right straight away, especially as we're healing, you know, so it's okay. I knew I had sort of clocked it and told myself, okay, that's something I need to be more aware of next time. On the other hand, the secure person is going to really want to dive into that emotional space with you. They're going to, you know, when you share something personal, They're naturally going to ask like, huh, tell me more about that. Or what are you doing with that? Or how did that make you feel? They're going to have a genuine interest in getting more clarity and understanding about who you are as a person, your life, the people in your life. They're going to want to meet your friends. They're going to want to hear about your family life. They're genuinely interested. The second. Subtle red flag is delayed or vague follow ups, think about if you've ever been on a great date and Then the person's, their follow up text is really generic. It might just be something like, Hey, like hours later, or even one or two days later. There's this really weird, vague communication that leaves you feeling a bit like maybe they're not that excited about the connection or not as excited as you are, which is really confusing, right? Especially if you've had. A great date where like the conversation was flowing, the vibes were great, there was chemistry there, you seemed really into each other. And then it's this weird vibe afterwards, it just doesn't match the energy that was on the date. Or you don't hear anything for a few days, it could be a sign that when they're with you, they love having fun and they want to get close and, you know, have the, the feel good emotions of, Oh, I love this connection. Like, this is fun. This person's hot. They're amazing. They're interesting. But I will give myself to you when I'm with you, but not when I'm not with you. And that's their way of controlling the dynamic. On the flip side, a secure person is going to show their interest with more, timely and thoughtful follow ups. So, you know, after you have a date, you'll probably hear from them. Or if you're the secure person, you know, you will follow up with them shortly after the date as well, if you had a great time. And they might say something like, I had such a fun time tonight, can't wait to see you again. How did you feel about that new restaurant? Okay, so they're asking these engaging questions. They want to continue. The, the feeling of the connection that you were creating together on that date. They want to build on these memories you're creating. So like, yeah, how did you feel about that place? Or wasn't it so funny when this happened or that happened? and they might even ask when are you free again? I'd love to arrange the next date. They're just a lot more forward. They're direct and they're thoughtful with their follow ups after a date. Number three is they don't remember the little things, let's say you excitedly tell your date about this new hobby you've just started. Maybe you've just started pickleball. That seems to be the hot hobby on the scene right now. Or you tell them this random, quirky detail about your favorite pizza. And later on during another conversation, these things just never come up again, or you find yourself having to repeat yourself and tell them these details about your life over and over again. It's going to start to feel as though you're, personal little tidbits and the things that, make you unique are just slipping through the cracks as if they are never truly present, never truly listening or invested in what makes you, you. And over time, that sense of forgetfulness is, it's really just signaling that then they're actually not fully present and they're not engaged with the parts of your life that matter. And. That's not conducive to a fulfilling relationship. If you are on a general basis, just not feeling seen and remembered for the things that make you, you, you can start to feel a bit like, well, what do you even like about me? You know, is it just how I look or that I just make you feel less alone? The secure sign is that they're going to make an effort to remember those little details. So if you tell them about a new project you've started or a hobby or something that you're doing in your life, maybe you're working with a new relationship coach and the next time they see you, they ask you about it and they're like, Hey, how's that thing? How's that going? You know, what's the latest with that? Tell me about it. Or they ask you about the bands that you mentioned you want to see, or maybe they even book tickets. They remember the things you said and they go and take initiative to do something for you that they know is going to just make you happy because you shared it with them. And they listened and they paid attention. When someone makes you feel like your stories matter, like the almond milk in your long black being hot instead of cold, it's a clear sign that they're truly listening. And they're invested in building a deeper connection with you Think about when you're really into someone, you pay attention. You want to understand all the little bits and pieces about them. You want to remember things that they tell you because you want to be able to bring it up in conversation so that they will feel seen by you and cared for by you. The secure person is going to want to do the same for you. Number four is avoiding going out in public with you. Slash, this is sort of two in one, slash being overly focused on physical intimacy. This is when they might keep suggesting dates at their place instead of taking initiative to plan a proper date and take you out to a restaurant or go do an activity together. Now, Yes, sure. Maybe once you know each other a little better, they want to have you over, they want to cook for you. Beautiful. But if they keep suggesting dates at their place, and there is a real lack of effort to do anything else outside of that, this is a bit of a red flag, it's probably a sign that they just want you around at their place because it's much easier to maybe get physically intimate with you. This happened with me, with the guy I was mentioning earlier, who I was seeing for about a month and a half. We went on, the first date we went, we went on, we went out for dinner, and then Every time after that, when we were going to catch up, he was insisting that we just hung out at his place. And again, I remember being thinking to myself, like this kind of feels a little bit off. Like, why does he always just want to hang out at his place? You know, why is he not taking initiative to organize dates and do other things? And Again, my intuition was right in that it was a bit off. And of course it came out that he, like, he, I remember him saying to me, you know, I just don't think I have like the emotional availability for what I think you're looking for, but like happy to keep it casual, you know, happy to just, aka happy to just be myself. Be intimate, which is why he wanted to be at his house all the time. So keep an eye on that. If someone is avoiding going to new places, being out in public with you, and they just want to keep you around at their place, or if they're rushing the physical intimacy and they're putting a big emphasis on that, that's a bit of a warning sign. The secure sign. On the opposite is that they want to try new things with you. They want to be out and about. They're not afraid to show you off and be open about dating with you, with their friends and their family. If you guys are walking down the street and you bump into one of their friends, it's not going to be a big deal. It's not going to be weird. They're going to be happy to introduce you and just be open and chill about it. Because they're secure, and that's okay. There's not gonna be anything weird. And also, when it comes to physical intimacy, there's not gonna be a rush or a sense of pressure. For you to act on that sooner than you're ready to, Because there's no need, if they're secure, they're comfortable with you taking your time, they want to get to know you, and it's all good. And number five is inconsistent levels of engagement. This is when you're together, think about, There are times when this person is totally engaged. They're remembering little details about your favorite coffee order. They're making plans for the next outing. They're really present with everything you're saying, and it feels great. But then out of nowhere, The next few dates, they just seem totally distracted. They're checking their phone constantly. They're not really listening to you. Engaging in the conversation. They're sort of looking around a lot. There's just this weird inconsistency in the way they're showing up and engaging with you, across the dates. And it can, it's going to leave you feeling really confused about. how they actually feel about you. Like, what are you into me? Are you interested? Are you not? Because you're giving mixed signals here. Okay. Whereas the secure person is going to show up consistently both mentally and emotionally. They're the kind of person who makes you feel safe. your, their priority, every time you meet up. Whether you're chatting over dinner or you're texting throughout the day, their attention is going to remain steady, which makes it easy for you to feel secure in the connection. And if they, let's say they are particularly tired one day, or they've had a really busy day at work, or they're just feeling a bit off, they will communicate that with you. They're not just going to leave you in the dark and, For you to wonder if there's something wrong. Have you done something wrong? Because they don't want you to feel confused. If someone is secure and they like you and they want to build the connection with you, they are not going to want you to feel confused or anxious or on edge. It doesn't make sense. Like, they wouldn't want to feel that way, so they don't want you to feel that way. So if they are a little bit off, they will communicate that with you. to summarize, again, those five subtle red flags are number one, not taking an interest in your life. Not wanting to get to know the things you're interested in, your hobbies, your job, your career, your dreams, your family, your friends, keeping it really surface level there. Number two is the delayed or vague follow ups. So you have a great date. You don't hear from them for two days. And then they just say, Hey, okay. They are just trying to be in control. It's not a vibe. Number three is they don't remember the little things. So they don't remember those, cute, personal little details that you share about the way you drink your coffee or your favorite band or the place you really want to travel to. They're not paying attention to those things. And you feel like you always have to repeat yourself and you don't actually feel seen in that relationship. Number four is avoiding going out in public with you. So always wanting to have the dates at their place and being overly focused on physical intimacy or rushing that part of the relationship. And number five. Is those inconsistent levels of engagement. Sometimes they're totally engaged, totally present, being warm, remembering the details. And then the next few dates, they're just totally cold. Distracted. Not present, leaving you feeling very confused about how they truly feel about you. To wrap it up, I want you to remember that none of these red flags or the secure signs stand alone as absolute indicators about a person's emotional availability. I want you to think of these more as signs. pieces to a bigger puzzle. And this is why you need to take your time to get to know someone. This is why we want to avoid going on one or two dates with someone and getting so excited and over the top and thinking they're the one thinking they're amazing. You don't have all of the puzzle pieces yet to have a clear image of who this person is. So look for patterns over time. And. And trust your intuition. When you see consistent, secure signs from someone, you're going to feel warm, reassured, and at ease. If you're feeling overly anxious with someone, I want you to pay close attention to these red flags. And if they are piling up, it might be time to reassess and ask yourself, Is this relationship actually meeting my needs? Is it secure? Or am I just falling into an old familiar pattern that doesn't actually serve me? So, I hope these insights gave you some practical ideas for navigating the dating world with a little more confidence and clarity. And this is the tip of the iceberg of what we will be diving into in my Masterclass Secure Dating 101. So if you enjoyed this, make sure you click the link below in the show notes and reserve your spot. All right, my friends have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on socials so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.