The Secure Love Club Podcast
Your go-to space to break free from anxious dating patterns, find your confidence, and feel secure in love, with dating & relationship expert, Mimi Watt.
The Secure Love Club Podcast
Ep #4: How My Client Maria Went From Toxic Relationships To Secure Love
In today's episode, I sit down for an inspiring conversation with my client Maria, who shares her transformative journey from being in a toxic relationship to finding a secure and loving partnership. Maria opens up about her struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, and people-pleasing tendencies, and the tangible and emotional shifts she made to gain confidence, set boundaries, and become her authentic self. She talks about her new, healthy relationship and what’s really like being with a secure partner and offers advice to those hesitant about seeking support. Tune in to hear more about our transformative work together and how you too can achieve a secure attachment style.
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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast with Mimi Watt, episode four. Hey friends, welcome back to the club. Oh my gosh, you guys, where do I even begin? There has been a lot happening lately. First of all, I can't believe we're at episode four already. One month into the pod, are you kidding? And I have to say a massive thank you for your love and support on this podcast. I've received beautiful feedback from so many of you about how you're loving it. You're gaining so much value and feeling optimistic about improving your relationships and becoming secure. If you'd like to support the show further, you can rate and review the pod on Apple or Spotify and hit the follow button if you haven't already. This is going to help spread the word and get more people just like you into the club so that they can benefit too. Yesterday we ran the Secure Dating 101 Masterclass and it was freaking incredible. So many of you joined live and were in the room with me, which was just. Electric. And I know many of you are currently catching the replay. We went through the four most common data archetypes that I see in people every day, people that I work with, people that I'm speaking to, and we covered where you're currently going wrong and what you need to do to become a secure data in 2025. There were so many aha moments and breakthroughs. So if you haven't registered and you do want to watch the replay, the link is below in the show notes. Sign up and you'll be sent an email with instructions on how to watch it. If you have already seen the masterclass, an important reminder that your VIP offer to join my signature program, peacefully attached and get your juicy bonus are expiring tomorrow on Wednesday, the 19th of February, 2025 at 12 PM Australian Eastern daylight time. So Melbourne time, if you want to put that into your time zone converter. So. Act quickly and don't sit on this decision. This is your time to act, to get yourself into the spaces with people who are going to uplift you, who are going to support you, who are going to keep you accountable to your goals and make this journey a hell of a lot more fun than doing it on your own. Your VIP offer will be gone at 12 p. m tomorrow. If it's right for you, I know you're going to jump in and if not, No worries. If you're on the fence and have some questions you need answered, DM me on Instagram or email us at results at mimiwhatt. com. On today's episode, we have an incredible conversation that I know you are going to froth over. I'm interviewing one of my amazing clients, Maria. Maria and I have been working together for about six months now. The transformation I have seen in Maria is second to none. She is honestly a completely different person to who I met when we began working together. And in this episode, she shares her real raw and vulnerable story of how she went from being in a highly toxic relationship to meeting the secure man of her dreams. We cover where she was at before we started working together, the specific struggles she faced, including a lack of confidence, low self esteem. Worth extreme people, pleasing tendencies, anxiety, and self doubt dating burnout, and the constant desire for external validation. Maria speaks about her breaking point and what drove her to seek support and coaching the specific things we focused on to empower her, to move away from anxious dating patterns and the tangible shift she experienced as a result, how she attracted the secure man of her dreams and what it's really being in a secure, loving relationship. And so much more, I know you're going to love this conversation and be able to deeply resonate with Maria's story and gain wisdom, hope, and tangible tactics on how you too can transform your love life. All right, without further ado, let's dive in.
Mimi:Hey, we are live. Hello, gorgeous Maria. Welcome to the pod. How are you feeling today?
Maria:Hello, I'm excited to be here and very nervous, but very excited to share my journey and my experience with you.
Mimi:Good. Nerves are normal. Nerves are fine. Have you had a nice morning so far? What are you been up to?
Maria:I'm off today, which is very rare for a nurse. I've taken the dog for a walk. I've been doing some groceries, catching up on appointments and stuff like that, which is really nice just to have some me time.
Mimi:Beautiful. Did you go for your morning swim?
Maria:I did. I've been going every day. That's my one thing for myself. This year I've decided that's my resolution. Every day, no excuse, rain, hail or shine, getting in the water. And it makes me feel so good. It just makes me start the day on the perfect note.
Mimi:Yeah, I love that. It's the best feeling. There's something about being in the water and then the feeling you get afterwards where you just have that gentle hum all over your body, do you know what I'm talking about?
Maria:Oh yeah, absolutely. You're so clear minded and you're ready to take on anything and it's so nice. It's as if the water's just washed away any stress that you have.
Mimi:Yeah, love that. And for our listeners, so they can have some context, where are you tuning in from? Where are you in the world?
Maria:I'm in Vaucluse at the moment in Sydney. The peak of the Eastern suburbs, which is very hot up here.
Mimi:Yeah. It's hot here today as well. I'm in Melbourne and it's So hot. It's 37 degrees. So we're in the same boat. Thank you so much for agreeing to come on the pod today and to share your journey and story about working together and all of the amazing milestones you've had. When I think of an ideal client, you are that person because you're so like from the get go, you've been so willing to lean in and willing to be. coached and just really take everything that like all of the mentorship and guidance you've just taken and ran with. And I think that's why you've had such incredible results because when you signed up to work together, you were all in, ready to do this a hundred percent. Where I'd love to start is. I want to cast all the way back to when we first started working together. And that was actually when I was living in Bali. I remember that's when we first connected. So for everyone listening, can you paint a picture for us and share where you were as an individual on an emotional standpoint, in terms of how you were feeling in relationships, who was Maria back then? And what were some of the biggest things you were struggling with, having an anxious attachment style and still not having healed, that part of yourself?
Maria:At that point I had seen psychologists, psychiatrists even psychotherapists. I'm pretty sure I've read every single dating book there is as well as every kind of help book there is. I was quite proactive in dating. I was going on Two or three dates a week. I was going through the dating apps hinge, Bumble, Tinder, as well as meeting people in real life people through friends as well. And I got to the point where I was. Basically in a dating burnout and I just had enough. And I think leading up to that point, I'd been in a long term relationship, which was quite toxic. I was with someone who was not. actually diagnosed as a narcissist, but had all of the narcissistic traits made me feel like I was doing everything wrong. I shifted into that people pleaser mode. I just wanted their approval. I wanted to feel worthy. I just wanted to feel loved I wanted someone to spend time with, and I think that's the ultimate goal of any relationship. I just felt so alone. I'd lost track of who I was. I didn't know who I was, what I liked what I actually wanted to do with my life. I thought I had it planned out. Turns out if you try to make a plan for the trajectory of your life, so many things come up and if you're so narrow minded on where you want your life to end up, you're going to end up almost divorced like I was at 26 and moving to Sydney, I'm originally from down South, so I decided to do a whole big shift I wasn't really sure what I wanted, what I wanted to do. I was so lost pretty much how I feel right now going around in this conversation, thinking back to how I was then. And if I put myself in that mindset, I was not confident at all and I wanted nothing more than to be in a healthy relationship. I was trying everything I could, but just hitting a wall. I'd even read that book attached by Amir Levine and that I was an anxious attachment style and you can have that information if you want. And you can know what type of attachment style you are, but, if you feel that lost, like I did at that time, you can't really do anything with that. And you feel very alone. I think.
Mimi:Thank you so much for sharing that. I think a lot of people listening will deeply resonate with some of the things you said there in feeling really lost, feeling. very alone in this struggle in relationships and probably resonating with the type of partner that you had and someone who has those narcissistic qualities and tendencies where you always felt like you needed to please your partner and having a lack of confidence there. And can you. Speak a little more into how that really felt for you, like on a day to day basis being in that relationship and then also once that ended and you were in that phase of before you'd started your healing journey, like how is that really impacting you on a day to day basis?
Maria:Honestly, I just felt so anxious all the time and disheartened every time you try to do something for your partner or with your partner, you just feel let down. I would go to work, come home and wait. For my partner and then even when he did come home, it was, Oh, I'm busy. Or no, I don't want to walk the dogs with you. Or I'm too tired every excuse under the sun. And then I'd end up cooking dinner, which wasn't good enough. There'd be remarks about, Oh, why isn't the bathroom clean enough? Or why don't I have any clean clothes for work tomorrow? And it's just like one dig after the next. And you go to bed feeling exhausted, and you feel like your cup is so empty because you've just tried to pour from it all day every minute of every day that you're awake. And then you go to sleep just exhausted every night and it's so lonely. And I guess When you're in that type of situation, you cut yourself off from family and friends as well. And so I didn't feel confident enough to reach out to my family or my friends to do things I hardly saw my family because I just wanted to be home just in case he wanted to spend time with me. So you just feel so shut off from the world and you lose your friends and sometimes you lose your family members. And I was just lucky enough that some of my friends and family still loved me. Enough to want to talk to me after that relationship ended. So when it did end, the process of ending that relationship, I was still holding on. I wanted to do couples counseling. I bought all of those self help books and relationship books to try and fix the relationship. But those suggestions were obviously shut down by my ex partner. It makes you feel like you're chasing your tail, trying to make something work that's never going to work. If you're the only one trying to make it work, then. It's never going to work out. It takes two to tango and you can not, you cannot tango by yourself. Yes.
Mimi:I'm really hearing that and I'm nodding along as you, as you speak, because I know you're talking about, and I think people with an anxious attachment style, it's a common pattern to fall into where you are giving so much of yourself to your partner and you're over giving. Because there is that lack of reciprocity from your partner, they are not meeting you in that level of, of effort to make it a healthy, beautiful relationship. It's like the more you give, the more they take and the closer you try to get, the more they pull away. It's such a common experience. And also the pulling away from family members. And I think. If you can speak into that, I know from my own personal experience that happened to me too. For me, it was because there was a sense of shame associated with the relationships I was in and knowing that friends and family would not approve of that person. But also I think what you said is that needs, you always wanted to be there just in case. Can you explain that a little bit? Cause I think people will really resonate.
Maria:Yeah, definitely. I found myself just waiting around at home just in case my partner wanted to spend time with me or would give me that little bit of attention that I was just craving all the time. And it's the classic breadcrumbing, he would say something to me and I'd be like, Oh my God, he knows I'm alive. So that's so amazing. I can live another day of doing the same thing. Saying Oh, do you mind like not cooking the steak so much? I don't want my steak well done. And I'm like living for that every day. So I'm like, that's something that I became addicted to. And I think as an anxious attachment style, that sort of attention. calmed my nervous system for a millisecond, but that was enough for me to want to stay at home for the whole day. Or for hours, just waiting just in case. And I think too I was definitely ashamed. You know, When you're not in a great relationship, I think there are definitely signs. There's definitely the gut feeling. And I was consistently ignoring my gut feeling to the point where when I finally met you, I don't think I was very confident at listening to my gut because I just wasn't sure. I hadn't listened to my gut feeling for so many years that I wasn't sure whether or not that was my gut feeling, whether or not I was just hungry or whether or not it was anxiety. Mm-hmm So yeah, that kind of shifted my confidence a lot and then wanting to spend time with my family and my friends. I just didn't really want to talk about my relationship I didn't want to bring it up. I didn't want them to meet him. And the very rare occasions that he would agree to hang out with my friends or my family. He was very closed off, pretty rude not wanting to make an effort at all. And those were really disappointing for me. It sort of felt like I was being rejected because my friends and my family are part of me and those people were being rejected by my partner. So it was just another letdown of my daily letdowns by my relationship.
Mimi:Yeah. So really what I'm hearing is accepting the bare minimum and attaching to those small bits of affection, those small bits of attention that often people who are avoidance or have those narcissistic tendencies or emotionally unavailable, they will give. So little, but because we are starving for that love and validation with an anxious attachment, when we do get those little crumbs, you just want to cling on for dear life. And as you said, like that is enough to keep you sticking around and to keep you coming back for more because you're in this constant chase and this constant pursuit that you don't want to give up. So definitely hearing you on that. Why do you think that you had lost so much connection to your intuition? You said you really struggled to hear it and that impacted your confidence why do you think that happened?
Maria:Yeah, that's a really good question. I think you sort of get trained out of it. You think, if I cook dinner and I have it all ready to go. that I'm going to get that affection that you crave every day. And then when it doesn't happen, you're like, Oh, I really thought that was going to get me approval or going to get me that validation. And then it just happens. Time and time again, you just can't continuously get let down. So your train of thought and that gut feeling again, sort of shift it's a bit of a, it's sort of like you're sitting in a bit of a void. Like you actually really think that these things are going to get you that attention, but then they don't. And when they don't. It really shifts your attention and your confidence. But when they do, it's like you're getting that validation. So it really plays with your mind. It's really confusing, I guess, like you're getting that attention and that validation and you feel worthy because you've got literally five seconds of tension because you cooked dinner or whatever, and then. You don't get that praise that you were really expecting. So, Oh, I thought I was going to get hugs and kisses and a thank you so much for dinner but you just don't. And time and time again, it's just reiterating that you're not good enough. And that what you thought would have gotten you validation, what you thought would have appropriately made you feel worthy of love just doesn't. So I guess that really shifts that and maybe mainly just the expectation that you put on these actions. And I suppose growing up I was in a bit of a state of trying to impress my parents or was made to feel like I needed to be good enough to get love. I think that's a very common situation and your parents only want the best for you and they only want you to get the best grades and all of that. But I think at the time it just made me feel like I needed to really strive hard to get that. attention and that affection and that validation. And so I was used to that in my relationship and. I was trying, I was aiming so high to get that approval and then I was just getting shut down, so I think that sort of got me out of the confidence of what was actually appropriate in a relationship to then get that validation. And so, yeah, shifted my confidence, but also made me feel like you need to do those things to get that affection and that attention, even though I never did.
Mimi:Yeah, a hundred percent. And I'm glad you brought up. childhood experiences, because we know that the way we show up in adult relationships is a reflection of the way we showed up in our relationship with our parents when we were young. And, of course, prefacing this by saying that. Your parents, everyone's parents, you know, majority are doing the very best they can at the time with what they know, and they only have the best of intentions, but that doesn't mean that their actions don't cause harm or creates, trauma and these unhealthy dynamics in us as we grow up. So, if you're happy to speak to it. Whose love did you crave the most?
Maria:Oh, yeah, it was definitely mum's growing up she wasn't too affectionate and the praises only got dished out if I got 100 percent in the maths test and if I wore the correct uniform to school. And I know that part of that. Discipline was the way that she was brought up, but also some of the experiences that she's had in her life so putting that pressure onto me made me feel like I needed to do well in order to get that attention from her. And it was quite interesting because That similar dynamic in my relationship with my ex was the same as the dynamic between my mum and myself. The least affection that I got, the more that I craved it, and the more that I wanted to do better. And I would get those breadcrumbs as well. To be honest, it wasn't until my 30th birthday that my mum said that I was good enough. So, it's one of those things that you don't realise, you just need to hear those words. And I never got those words, it was always all, Why didn't you get 100 instead of 95 on the maths test? test or why did you wear your white sneakers to school instead of your black ones or why did you do this wrong or why did you do that wrong not you've done this right or you've done that right. So the very rare occasion that I'd get praise or affection. Were those breadcrumbs but it was the same dynamic growing up.
Mimi:So really experiencing the attention it sounds like was always on what you're doing wrong and almost to criticize as opposed to, give you the praise that you deserved I love how you said, I just needed to hear those words because as children often that is, we don't need much. But we do need to hear those words of affirmation and that positive reinforcement that we are good enough and that we are doing an amazing job for trying our best and to have that unconditional support. It does have a big impact when that's not the experience that you had. And so. What would happen when you, let's say you weren't your best or you didn't get that 100 percent on a test or you weren't looking, you know, your most put together when you were young, like what would happen then in the relationship with your mom?
Maria:Yeah, I guess I was put down and made to feel like I haven't earned that affection or I haven't earned that praise. Or I haven't earned that attention really. And I not get iced out, but it was very much like a, like a disciplined front of Oh, you've disappointed me. So, you know, like that's it for me. So it was, it was very hard, to accept that. You've, you've disappointed your parents. It's the ultimate, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. It's hard, it's so accurate. Oh my god. I just wanted to be loved and appreciated and praised it's so true what you said Oh, just being told you're enough it doesn't take much for someone to say those words. And even going into my relationships, I've found it really hard to train myself to be able to give the words of affirmation. And that's one of the common love languages. And I just never had that from my parents. Which is so interesting. It's as if when you're growing up, they're training you. In how to use these languages of love. And if you never got them, you don't know how to use them going into relationships.
Mimi:What I'm hearing is there's these constant micro rejections. from your parents, like where you're getting that cold shoulder and you're being shut out because you weren't the perfect child. It's those micro rejections that compound over time and form these unhealthy beliefs we have about ourselves. Like I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy of love. If I'm just being who I am, I have to be this people pleaser, this perfect person in order to receive love. And so then we seek out, we subconsciously go looking for that same dynamic when we are an adult, because that's what our nervous system and our subconscious is used to. That's what we deem to be normal. And so we go looking for more of that. So it's fascinating. And thank you for being so open about that. I think it paints a really beautiful, vivid picture about how the dynamics correlate. And so let's fast forward now to when you, you'd left that relationship and you were out in the dating world. You said you were dating two to three times a week. You'd read all the self help books really putting yourself out there. What were some of the struggles you were experiencing? When you were actively dating how was your attachment style maybe still showing up for you then?
Maria:Oh God This takes me back. A lot of my Tendencies as an anxious attachment style was the people pleasing trying to go with the flow the Trying to mold myself into someone that I think they would like. So I basically became a chameleon data. I would stalk them on Instagram and be like, they look like someone that would like a black and chick, or they look like someone that would like someone that's more hippie lowy. So I would dress like that to go on my dates. This is an ultimate. Anxious attachment style dates and I just wasn't being my authentic self I would pretend that I was having a good time on these dates. They would last maybe I had to cap my dates at four hours. I had to give myself a general rule because I was just coming home exhausted. Majority of the time I wouldn't even want to see them again. I was attracting. All sorts of people because I was just trying to be the type of person they would want to date because I just wanted to date someone. So I was dating people who were very similar to my ex. Quite narcissistic, rude and a bit like gaslighting and, On some of the dates, I found myself going home and just crying being like, I swear I didn't do anything wrong, but he actually made me feel like I did something wrong and I'm very confused, but okay, yeah, sure. I'll go on another date with you. That's the type of people pleasing I was at. And then there were other people that were really lovely, such sweethearts. Such lovely people. And I just didn't realize or couldn't recognize why they were even single. And then it kind of like, kind of hit me. It was kind of like, they were an anxious attachment style and they were a bit too much. And I was like, I don't want to break your heart. So sure. I'll go on another date with you
Mimi:that, that is a lot. And I'm exhausted just hearing about it. Oh my God, but it's so relatable that feeling of, I just need to be this chameleon and slip into the identity of who I think this person would be attracted to. So I can, what was, what was the goal there? Was it to win them over? Was it to what was it for you?
Maria:Basically just to. Get that validation, definitely. It starts sort of, it's a bit of an addiction when you're on the dating apps. It's like scrolling on Instagram, I think. You just kind of go to it like your morning newspaper in the morning. And I found I was just scrolling and wasn't actually that interested. But as soon as I got a match or a like or whatever, I was like, it was like my little hit of dopamine. I was so excited. I was like, this person likes me. That's so exciting. Doesn't matter. That their faces basically all knows I will go on a date with them. Like they, they must have a great personality. I just didn't care what they looked like. I didn't care what they did for a job. I didn't care what the conversation was like. And I think that was part of. Becoming burnt out trying to make conversations work, trying to put in that effort. And it just didn't matter. So getting that hit off the likes and the matches, and then just getting that validation after going on a date with someone. So I think that's probably, that was the highlight for
Mimi:me. That was the driving force behind it was that validation of I don't care what you do, what you look like, who you are, as long as you, Like me, as long as you match with me back, or if I've done my job to be who I think you want me to be, and then I get any sort of confirmation that I did a good job, like that validation is what you're seeking. And so many people do this and I used to do that too. And it's. You know, when we, when we really look at it like that, it's no wonder that you weren't getting anywhere in terms of compatibility with the people you were dating, because the focus wasn't actually on compatibility. It wasn't on is this person right for me? Are they a good match? It was just, what can I get? How can I get my next hit of validation? So we're really. Where you're constantly chasing that. It's like a hamster on a hamster wheel, trying to get that little drip of water. Just give it to me. So we've got a clear understanding of where you were in dating. What would you say was the tipping point that drew you to want to seek? Support, like to actually get coaching and invest in that next level of guidance. What was the tipping point that you were just like, this is what I need now.
Maria:I have got probably, I could write a book about all of the terrible dating stories. I have been on maybe that's another podcast I do. But I've just gotten to the point where I was sick of being the clown at work that everybody laughed at her dating stories and don't get me wrong. They still make me laugh and I still enjoy telling them, but I didn't want to be that person that went to work and was like, Oh, what? What's Maria's next dating story now? Come on, give us some drama, give us like a good laugh. I was to the point where I was like, I'm sick of going on a date with a guy that literally just likes me because I have a nice ass, which is literally all he told me over that date or because some guys like bored or because some guys just new to Sydney or whatever, like I was just so over dating guys that just weren't interested in me. And I just sort of lost all respect for dating or respect for guys. And I'd started to lose respect for myself. So I was like, I think I need professional help. And I thought that it was definitely time to reach out. To someone that actually knew what they were talking about, because I'd read all of the books, I've seen psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, I've read relationship books, and it's one thing to have all of that knowledge, but it's another thing to know what to do with it, and to file it all, and to have an individualized plan of attack for these dates, because you get to the point where you just don't enjoy it anymore. Yeah, they're fun. But do you actually want a relationship or do you just want to keep going on these dates? Cause they're fun.
Mimi:Amen. Amen. I think what you said there is so key is you can have all the information in the world, but if you don't know what to do with it and you don't know how to properly implement it. You won't move. Like you will keep repeating the same patterns so you can read all the books, you can listen to all the podcasts, but it's not until you have that deeper support that things can start to change for you. And so what were, what would you say, uh, Some of the key themes that started to change for you when we started working together, what were some of the realizations you had about yourself and about your relationship patterns, that started to change when we started working together?
Maria:Oh boy. I think I definitely mentioned this in one of our, zoom sessions, which is my highlight of every fortnight. Uh, just dating and intention. Like it's so simple. It sounds so simple, but until you get yourself a Mimi, you probably will never date with intention and you will never have dates. that you leave feeling like that was actually such a good date. Wasn't keen on him. Uh, there are a few pros, a few cons, but you know, onto the next one, like that energy of excitement to date, really being intentional with your cup of coffee in the morning, being intentional with your dates, going on dates And saying to yourself, I'm just going to have one drink, I'm not going to be too serious. I'm not going to ask too many serious questions. I'm going to be intentional with setting boundaries. If I set a boundary, I'm going to uphold myself to those boundaries. And that's been something that I've been able to carry from going on dates through to my relationship currently. And just being intentional is a game changer. It's actually so good. Like I've gone from Four hour plus dates, feeling exhausted, not knowing what I want, feeling like I probably don't even want to be in a relationship anymore to being in a relationship now where I feel so keen to grow, to learn. I feel confident enough in setting boundaries because I've practiced that with my amazing relationship coach and have felt. Supported and loved by my family and my friends and my partner when setting boundaries, because I've been intentional about it. And I think in your mind, when you're intentional about it, you look like you're confident. Sometimes you might have to fake it until you make it, but I'm being intentional about this boundary, which is giving off the vibe that. It's a non negotiable, like you cross this boundary, you cross this line, no deal. When you go on dates and you're intentional, like just having one drink or only setting the date to two hours or things like that, you are giving yourself that respect and you're setting that boundary for yourself reiterates how important boundaries are and how confident you are and like, you've got this. Cause I've got these, it's sort of like a backup plan, even having your cup of coffee in the morning, like just being intentional about it. Game changer.
Mimi:Game changer. Yeah. And I think that's huge, because where I see a lot of people going wrong is they just continue to date on autopilot and they just keep doing the same thing they've always been doing and expecting a different result. Which we know is the definition of insanity. Like you can't, if you want a different result, you have to do something different. So bringing that intentionality to everything you're doing. And I love that you, highlighted that it is sort of a meta experience. It's not just being intentional about the way you're showing up to a date or the boundaries around dating. It's how can I be intentional in my day to day life even down to how I drink my morning coffee. Am I being present with myself? This is such a big part of the healing journey is creating that. Ultra sense of awareness around what you've been doing wrong and what you want to do differently moving forward. So really setting, getting clarity and the foundations. Correct. Getting them set up properly first to ultimately have a more empowered dating experience. And when you started to be more intentional and learn how to set boundaries and uphold them. How did that positively impact your relationship with yourself? Because you said at the beginning. Previously, you had a very, uh, I would say you had very low self esteem when we started working together. There was a lack of confidence, just not feeling empowered, being that people pleaser. How did these boundaries and intentionality shift your relationship with yourself?
Maria:Yeah, exactly what you just mentioned, like I'm showing up for myself. I'm being my authentic self and I fucking love myself. I really love who I am now I really love the person that I'm becoming and I surprise myself every day. Having that check in every morning with my cup of coffee, I'm intentionally setting that time for myself, that's my me time, and I'm learning more about myself. It's five minutes I get to have with myself. My thoughts, I'm becoming my more authentic self because I'm learning who I actually am and then having that confidence, I can go, well, I was going on dates. With that authenticity and knowing that if they don't like me for who I actually am not who I'm trying to be For them then they're not for me And that was definitely one thing that I've learned from you is that if they're not for me then it was so nice to meet them, but carry on I don't really want to waste my time and just learning about What I like to eat, what books I like to read other than relationship books and self help books. And do I like running or swimming or all of these things? Learning about myself is allowing me to be my authentic self, which attracts people that. More like me and that I'm more likely to get along with and has attracted someone into my life that I get along with so well. And it's just the nicest feeling and it's not exhausting. It's not. Yeah.
Mimi:Cause you're just being your natural self, which, you know, should be the easiest thing in the world. But. For so many of us, it's not, we have to really peel back so many layers that have, you know, been built over us over time to find who we actually are at our core and our most authentic self, because we were taught by society and conditioning that we need to, we need to be prettier. We need to be skinnier. We need to be more outgoing, all these things in order to be loved. When you are able to peel back those layers. And as you said, really get to know yourself. I think that is such a key point because when we are in the throes of anxious attachment, I remember this was the case for you. Your focus is so outward looking at everyone else looking at okay, who can I get validation from? Who's going to approve of me? Who likes me? Who's going to give me that attention? Instead of looking inwards at ourselves and saying, what do I actually need? And how can I begin to meet those needs for myself? I remember that was a big shift in your journey was we did a lot of work around that on. Even there was a time when you took a break from dating because your relationship with yourself was strengthening so much. I remember there was a point where you were like, I don't even want to date. I just actually want to enjoy. This new version of myself and find out who I am. And even down to, we had a conversation about the way you wanted to dress. I remember that was a big thing for you at the beginning. You felt like you didn't even know what your personal style was because you just outsourced all of these decisions to everyone else. And so yeah, that really started to shift things. Coming around to what you just said, you said something very exciting that you have attracted a beautiful relationship into your life. So for everyone listening, I'm sure they're dying to hear all about it. Give us some of the goss, give us some of the juice about how that came to be? Like, why do you think you attracted this beautiful person into your life and how has it felt being in this new secure relationship?
Maria:oh my God, I have no words. For the first time in probably my whole life, I felt like a secure dater, like a secure attachment style going into this date with this amazing person that I'd met on Hinge. And it was as if all of the expectations that I've ever had going into a relationship were just dropped. I just went in with the intention to be. My authentic self, we went on a running date and I'm pretty sure I've been running like maybe five times before that. But at this point in my life, I had moved to Bondi and I thought that's what you had to do to fit in. So I had started running. And he invited himself along and I was like, sure, let's just go with it. Who who knows? I, we had to walk for half of it because we were that puffed and trying to talk and walk at the same time was quite challenging. But just hit it off just chatting about anything and everything, a little bit about family and what we do for work and we're both in healthcare, so that was a Similar thing that we had in common, which was really nice. And, but then a lot of things that we didn't have in common, which was a cool dynamic as well, like learning about things from each other I was telling him a few things and he was telling me a few things. And then of course it started raining like any true romantic comedy. We jumped in his car and went and got coffee and talked about psychology for four hours. Honestly, it was the best day I've ever been on in my life. We didn't talk about anything super serious. We didn't talk about our relationship traumas. We didn't talk about attachment styles or love languages or any of the really serious questions that I'd been used to asking first up on dates. And it was really just to get to see if I like this person kind of vibe. And I left the date feeling so energized and so excited to potentially see them again. It was just so nice. You go into these relationships with these thoughts of, are they gonna like me? Am I dressed okay for this occasion? What are we going to talk about but I didn't even go into that date with those worries or thoughts. That was a big change for me. And that was a major shift in becoming a secure data was, are they going, am I going to actually like them? That was the question that I asked myself going into that date. So,
Mimi:snaps with me. Yes, snaps, ah, I love that. That is the ultimate is really shifting that focus on, are they good enough for me? Am I going to like this person rather than am I good enough for them? I also love that you pointed out that first date was, it was just a bit of a vibe check. Do we enjoy each other's company? Is there enough stuff to talk about? Does it feel easy? Because that's really what a first date should be. We don't need to go in needing to know someone's entire relationship history and attachment style and traumas in the first day. And often that can actually just block us from being able to detect. Do we just actually get along? And so just kind of. Dropping all those expectations and just showing up for yourself, right? Showing up because you wanted to go on this date and just let it be what it was going to be without attaching expectation or meaning to the outcome is what I'm hearing. So you and your partner have been together for a few months now. Can you describe for our listeners? The biggest difference in this relationship that you are experiencing with your partner compared to all other relationships in the past what is it like?
Maria:Well, uh, not that we should compare our relationships to our past relationships or other people's relationships, but tenfold better, like so much better on so many different levels. The main thing is probably affection and just feeling like you're enough. For the first time in a very long time, I don't have to do all of the things that I was doing in my past relationships. To get that validation, to get that affection and to be made to feel like I'm worthy of love in a relationship. My love that I get from my partner is unconditional and it's so soothing for your nervous system. Like you have no idea how good it is to be in a relationship where you're not constantly on edge, wondering whether or not. The dinner you cooked is going to be good enough or they're going to talk to you after you've had an argument or, or any of those things like they're going to be there for you if you call them. So just having that reiteration that you're good enough and you don't have to do anything about it. It just, it makes your cup so full. And when your cup is full, it's no issue for you to want to pour from your cup and to feel like you've still got enough energy to run around the block. It's amazing. It's so nice.
Mimi:So you've really got that consistency and there's predictability in the relationship, which for every anxious girlie and boy probably sounds like heaven on earth. Like, why can't I have that? But that's what I'm hearing is. You know, you can rely on your partner to be there for you and to show up and to just hold space for you, no matter what your day looks like, no matter if you're having a mentee B or you're having a breakdown or you're anxious or upset about something or you're feeling good, they're stable, like they're there for all of you. How does that feel?
Maria:Oh, God, it wasn't easy in the beginning because. Every person out there who's got an anxious attachment style, I'm sure they can relate, your nervous system is so used to that chaos. So having those moments of yeah, sure babe, I got you, I'll get dinner, or you're cool, or yeah, I've got five minutes to chat, or whatever you need. I'm like, this is too good to be true. Like, where are the cameras? I've been punked. It just, all of it just felt too good to be true. I had to really calm, self soothe, calm my nervous system which I wouldn't have been able to do without you. Because I've never done that before. I've never been in a healthy relationship. And I still have moments where we're having a discussion about something and I apologize because I've never Being in a healthy relationship before I've never had to do this where, Oh, you actually talk about things that are bothering you. Like I can be a burden, but you're not actually a burden because that's just part of a relationship is talking out things. And just, Oh, you're going to pick me up. Are you sure? I was really confident. And just all of it felt too good to be true. Even something as simple and as clear. As being able to have those deep conversations with your partner is so important. Like I never had that in my past relationships and being able to talk about what's. Going on in your mind. Talk about how you're feeling. If you're feeling anxious, if you're feeling triggered, so important and such a huge part of healing and I've been able to heal within my relationship because of my partner. And that's something that money can't buy. It's such a milestone in my dating career.
Mimi:And how does your partner? respond to you now. So let's say you are anxious about something, you need to have a more vulnerable conversation. How does he show up for you in those conversations? So for people who maybe have never experienced it before, what does that look and feel like?
Maria:Basically just being a really good listener. Let's sit down and have a cup of tea or I've got five minutes to chat. No rush or just sitting there or giving me a big hug. I think at one point I was like, if I ever tune out or shut down, just give me a big hug. Cause I, I just need you to remind me that I'm okay and that I'm safe. So just holding space, whether it's just sitting there. Whether it's getting a cup of tea, whether it's giving me a big hug, it's just so nervous system relaxing. It just calms my nervous system so much. And that's probably the biggest challenge having been in toxic relationships before and being so anxious is just your nervous systems on fire and you have all of these things you want to get out. And like my throat chakra is on fire sometimes, like there are so many things I want to say, but I just can't. And he's so intuitive to that. He notices when I'm being quiet, he notices when I'm anxious or I'm shaking, or I'm going around and around in circles and just, just knows what to do. Like just knows what to say, exactly what to say, exactly how to say it. It doesn't even have to be the right thing that he says. Half the time, I don't even hear what he says, even though most of the time, what he says is you're okay. I've got you. But I don't hear it half of the time cause I just feel so safe. I just feel a warm hug. And those little things are just. what helps me to relax and calms my anxiety and calms my mind as well.
Mimi:I feel like I'm healing all over again, listening to you say that. It's, it's so, so beautiful. And that's really how a secure relationship. And this is how relationships should feel in a healthy way. I want this conversation to be a big permission slip and a public service announcement to everyone who's currently struggling with anxious attachment that. This is the reality you can have if you are willing to put in the work. And I think, you know, you're never going to feel a hundred percent ready because it's going to be uncomfortable to change, but being willing to do the work is the key and that's what I saw in you and what you said about like your, your. Not used to this type of response from a partner. And it can feel really confusing and is this too good to be true? And that definitely is a part of the process. When you do meet a healthy, secure partner, there's a lot of healing that takes place in that relationship as it unfolds. How would you say having? The support and accountability of a coach and someone who has been in your shoes and been through that journey, how has that accountability and support assisted you and helped you on this journey?
Maria:Where do I start? Honestly, you have been my guardian angel. Like when you're anxious, you don't know what thoughts or what feelings to trust and you, you lose that confidence and just having you there to hold space for me. And give me validation like, you've got this girl. And I just, I've loved working with you. And from the moment that we first met and started working with each other, it's you've got someone that pulls your butt in line. It's I know you want to change because you came to me, remember, so here's the deal. And you keep me accountable. You need an accountability buddy. You need to invest in yourself. And you need a guardian angel. Someone that has your best interests at heart. That is kind but firm. And someone who can literally just personalize. The information that you've, you've read all of the books, you've got all of the tools, you've got all of these things, but they're also generalized and you're able to personalize these tools and this information to me and my situation. And somehow know exactly what I need to hear every session that we have, every call that we have together, you actually know exactly what to say. And there have been so many times. When I've freaked out, I've sent you a voice message and I've been like, I don't even know what to do. It is a hundred percent a rant through a voice message. You just come back with exactly what I've needed to hear. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without you. All of, like I've said it before, I've seen so many psychologists, so many psychiatrists, a psychotherapist, I've read so many books, I've listened to so many podcasts and the information that you give and the way that you give it has been the only thing that's made a difference. Like I've felt the shifts each week and the check ins and the way that you conduct the calls with me. Like I feel celebrated. I feel supported. I feel like I've made such a change and I'm in a really happy, really healthy, supportive, loving, warm relationship now because of you. And it's not even just my romantic relationship. It's the relationship that I've got with myself and also with my family and friends, I've never felt closer to my mom and dad. My mom loves that I'm seeing a relationship coach because she's learning, she's learning so many things that she never had the chance to. It's your family and your friends and your partner benefit from you being happy, from you having these tools and then you being able to share that love and spread that love and that support. I think you'd actually be stupid not to get a relationship coach. It's the cheapest investment you'll make in your life. I've spent so much money on other people and books subscriptions and whatever to have that check in with you and that support is just you just can't even, I don't have any words. Yeah. Speechless.
Mimi:I think that was a lot of words and you're going to make my head explode, Maria. Yeah. Thank you for your kind, beautiful words. One last question I'd like to ask you is what would you say to the person listening who they're hearing this, they're resonating with every word. They're feeling like they need support. They need to get the tools, the clarity, the foundation of how to set themselves up to become securely attached. But there's that voice in their head. That's like, it won't work for me. And other people can have this, other people can achieve it, but it won't work for me. And they're, they're really on the fence. They want to invest. They want to get the support, but they're not sure it's going to work for them. What would you say to that person?
Maria:Oh girl, I have been there. Trust me. I have been there. Honestly, invest in yourself. If you don't start believing that you are worthy of investing in yourself and spending the time do you, even if you don't think you have the money I have cut down on, I don't go out drinking, I've cut down on my subscriptions you can make it work. And if you don't invest in yourself, then nothing's going to change. Nothing changes if nothing changes Stop making excuses if you really wanted to, you would like, you need to do a bit of mirror work, look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself that you are worthy of love. You are worthy of someone that loves you back as much as I know you love other people and just show yourself a bit of that love. Like what's the worst thing that could happen? Oh, you've stumbled into a healthy relationship. Whoops. Honestly. Just my, my biggest advice is stop making excuses. If you're on the fence, just give it a go. Dip your toe in the water, see how nice it
Mimi:is. Oh my god, I love it. Maria's bringing the tough love now. I've rubbed off on her. Start making excuses, and if you really wanted to, you would. And you've hit the nail on the head, and it is, you know, when something truly is enough of a priority. You will find a way to make it work. And clearly it has paid off tenfold for yourself. So Maria, thank you so much for being on the podcast today and sharing your story and your journey so vulnerably and openly. I know so many of our listeners are going to be resonating their pants off and just, you know, so grateful. So thank you for sharing your story. I'm so excited to see more of what the future brings for you.
Maria:My pleasure. Thank you so much for having me and do yourself a favor, get yourself a Mimi. Thank you.
Mimi:Thank you.
If you enjoyed this episode and resonate deeply with Maria's story and want to know how you too can transform from anxious to secure in a fraction of the time, then I would love to invite you to join Peacefully Attached, my signature seven week group program designed to help you ditch your anxiety riddled dating patterns so that you can become secure within yourself and attract the healthy love. I created this because I know how painful toxic relationships are, where you're told that you're too much, you're too needy, and that you'll never find someone who can give you everything you're asking for. I know how all consuming anxious and avoidant relationships are and how your career, your friendships, your self care suffer as a result. I know how confusing it is to see happy couples on the street who look like they have it so easy and wonder what is wrong with me. Why can't I have that? And I know that the journey of healing your anxious attachment style isn't something you should have to do on your own. I certainly didn't and that's why I'm here for you today so that you can experience the emotional relief of understanding why relationships have always been a struggle and transform from anxious to secure 10 times faster than it took me. You are too brilliant to spend one more day doubting yourself and my promise is that you will soon see yourself through new eyes and stop settling for less than you deserve in life and love when you follow the Peacefully Attached Framework. This program is for you if you want to feel confident and self assured in who you are Raise your standards in dating and communicate your wants and needs without fear of abandonment. You want to spot red flags and trust your intuition when it's telling you something is not right and be able to act on it and walk away from toxic relationships before getting emotionally involved and enjoy your own company and create a fulfilling life that doesn't revolve around dating or needing external validation to feel happy without spending years trudging through childhood trauma. If you're here listening on the pod, I want to extend a very special exclusive offer that is only available until tomorrow, Wednesday the 19th of Feb, 12pm Australian Eastern Daylight Time, where you can save 500 on Peacefully Attached. If you join by tomorrow, 12 PM, you also get the amazing bonus of receiving a year's worth of quarterly Q and a calls with myself. Once the program wraps for support and accountability, as you integrate everything you've learned and to have your burning questions answered. So if you just know, this is something you want to jump into. I'm going to leave the link below in the show notes to join Peacefully Attached. If you have any questions at all, DM me on Instagram or email us at results at Mimi Watt dot com. I'll see you inside. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.