Ep #9: What To Do When Your Partner Finds Other People Attractive!!!

In episode nine of the Secure Love Club podcast, we’re discussing the sensitive topic of jealousy in relationships and the anxiety and insecurity stirred up when your partner finds other people attractive. I cover why attraction outside of your relationship is normal, what is and isn’t okay, and the important red flags to look out for that may indicate your partner is overstepping a boundary. We explore where this insecurity stems from and how it can be projected unnecessarily (hear a personal story where I did this with my ex!), and how to build your self-esteem so you can be confident, secure, and have a thriving relationship.

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Transcript

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast with Mimi Watt, episode nine. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. Happy. Tuesday. Yeah, it's Tuesday. When you're listening to this, it is the most beautiful day. As I'm recording this, I'm sitting in my office and I'm looking outside, and it's that beautiful morning light where the sun is just shining over the grass and it's so green and beautiful, and I'm feeling fresh today. Last week's episode, I was definitely feeling a little bit more somber and flat, but today I am feeling on fire. I had a day yesterday where I had a lot on my plate. I had quite a few important things to get through, a lot of which were holding calls and running live trainings, and really just a lot of energy output. And one thing I noticed that I want to share with you, a little takeaway from yesterday that. I'm sure you will find helpful was, I noticed at several points throughout the day, I wanted to self-sabotage. My brain was trying to come up with any excuse it could to not do the things I needed to do. And I was recovering from a cold and I was like, I don't, I don't think I can do this. I'm sick. My throat hurts. I don't feel good, but I caught that voice. And what I did was I told it, I see you. I know you're just trying to protect me, but we are not gonna go down that road because growth doesn't happen When you listen to the self-sabotage. Growth happens when you acknowledge it and you push past that point when you lean into your edge. And I actually jumped on a call with my mentor and I was talking to her about this. And I said, any tips? How do you, how should I expand my nervous system to be able to hold this, this amount of work? And she said to me, it all comes down to your breath. And I thought, of course it does. This is what I teach my clients, the power of self-soothing and self-regulating. But it's so true. Literally just taking a few seconds to take a nice deep breath. And remind yourself that you're gonna be okay. The other thing that I noticed was I had a thought. That was, I trust myself. I really trust myself, so I know when there's a challenge that comes up in life, I'm going to be able to handle it one way or another. So that's just a side little golden nugget for you if you find yourself wanting to lean. Back into your comfort zone. Just notice that voice that's trying to get you to do that, recognize it, and then see if you can take a few deep breaths and lean into the discomfort, because I promise you, you were going to feel amazing on the other side of it. That's why today I feel so powerful and so good because I know I did all of the hard things and I came out the other side stronger. Very valuable lesson there. Another life update for you. Is that it's officially one month until I go to Europe. Ah, I'm so excited. This has been a trip that I've been planning for about one year with one of my best friends, and we are one month till the takeoff. It's crazy. So I'm gearing up for that, getting everything ready to, to go before I go because I'm taking the whole month off of work, which I haven't done in several years. This is very exciting for me. I am not doing any client work when I'm going to be away, and I'm gonna give myself the time to really immerse myself in Italy, to be present with my friend and to enjoy my time and lean into the other part of life that is. Relaxation and new experiences and getting to know a different culture and making new memories. That's what I'm excited about. I don't know about you, but I don't think we make enough memories these days because we are just grinding through work and we are on social media all the time and time slips away. So I'm excited to be immersed in that and I can't wait to give you all the juice and all the goss and updates on the pod and on my social media once that time is over. Of course, I'll be keep giving you updates when I'm there on Instagram. Other than that. Peacefully attached has begun and it's going so well. The girls are already having amazing breakthroughs and we are only two weeks in, so it's just incredible to see what happens when you lean in and you do the work. Today we are going to be talking about jealousy in relationships and how to handle it. I posted a reel the other week talking about how your partner finds other people attractive. About how we all find other people attractive, and it resonated deeply with a lot of you. So today we're going to dive deeper into this topic. We're going to look at this from the lens of feeling anxious and insecure about your partner, finding other people attractive where this insecurity stems from, and practical tips for building self-confidence and reducing the charge this topic has for you. We are also going to cover what is and what isn't acceptable when it comes to finding others attractive. When you are in a relationship, I want you to be aware of what red flags to look out for that may indicate your partner is disrespecting your boundaries. Understanding this is going to drastically improve your relationship for several reasons. The first one. The most obvious is you're going to have less jealousy and more trust, because when you can accept that attraction is normal and not a threat, you stop making assumptions that create unnecessary drama, and instead, you focus on the trust and the connection in your relationship. And I'm gonna tell you a personal story of where I created unnecessary drama in my past secure relationship that. It just didn't need to happen, and you'll learn from that story. The next way this is going to drastically improve your relationships is you are going to develop a stronger sense of self-worth. Our insecurities in life and in relationships often come from self-doubt. But by working on your confidence, you're going to shift from fearing comparison. So always looking left and right and wondering if other people are better than you, to knowing your value. And when you know your value, you are going to feel more secure, loved, and chosen. Chosen not only by your partner, but by yourself. Because when you choose yourself and you know your value, it makes it a lot easier to believe other people when they choose you. The third reason is you're going to develop better communication. So instead of passively passive, aggressively sulking. Or just picking fights, which we've all been there, right? You give your partner the cold shoulder because you're pissed off at them, but you don't actually tell them that you're pissed off at them. Instead of doing this, you are going to learn to express your feelings in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than weakening it, you're going to have more emotional safety because when you are not constantly on edge about your partner's attraction to other people. The relationship feels safer. It feels more enjoyable for both of you. You don't have to walk on eggshells and you don't have to sit in anxiety. And we're gonna uncover how in a moment. And then finally, last but not least, you're going to have deeper intimacy and connection with your partner. When your insecurity takes a backseat, what happens is you create space for more fun, for flirting, for emotional closeness. Instead of worrying about who else, who else is my partner? Looking at who else could they be finding attractive. You get to focus on deepening your bond with your partner. Alright, now we've set the foundation. Let's dive in. Where a lot of us get stuck in relationships is thinking that once you get into a relationship, that should be it. Your partner should no longer be looking at anyone else, thinking anyone else is hot, finding them attractive, fantasizing about other people. We think that should automatically just be turned off like a switch. And where does this idea come from? Does it come from Hollywood movies romantic films making us believe that when you find the one, it's just magic and sunshine and rainbows, and they only have eyes for you. We need to look at this because when we are operating in an unconscious way, when we are operating on autopilot and we are letting these beliefs that we may not have even chosen, dictate how we view the world and how we show up in the world. We can get ourselves into trouble. We can get ourselves into unnecessary drama and unnecessary pain the reality is we all find other people attractive, whether we are in a relationship or not. It is human nature. Don't forget that we are animals at our very core. And we are designed to wanna procreate, which means we have a natural inbuilt system to look at other humans, other people, and find attraction within those people, whether it's based on their looks or it's based on their personality, their energy, or a combination of the two. It doesn't matter. We are wired this way and I think a lot of people. You cause yourself unnecessary pain when you try to deny this truth. They say that suffering comes from, I'm gonna butcher this, but suffering is when we resist reality. When we resist what is, and we try to make it mean something else, that's when you suffer. Anytime you are ignoring or suppressing the truth. And if you are anxiously attached, you'll know exactly what I mean, because when you are in a relationship. With someone who is avoidant, someone who is not good for you, who is toxic. Often there is an inner knowing that they're not right for you, but you ignore it because you'd rather hold onto the attachment than lose that person. And it's the denial of that truth that makes you suffer. And it erodes you over time until you reach a point where you finally, you can't ignore it. And you have to face it and face the truth and make some changes in your life. So if we can. Address that, okay, this is the fact, this is reality. We are all gonna find other people attractive. My partner is, and so am I, acknowledge that you do as well. You might look at a guy walking down the street or look at a girl walking down the street and have that split second thought of, damn, that person's hot. They are hot, and that's okay. Where it is not okay. Is when you sense or you know, or you see that your partner is really starting to cross a boundary because there's a difference between finding someone attractive and not giving it another moment's thought, and then finding someone attractive and doing something to act on that feeling. That's going to break trust and break commitment in the relationship. This is where you need to be very in tune with your gut instinct. Now I say your gut instinct because your gut instinct is this deep inner knowing. It's that feeling at the pit of your stomach that doesn't go away when your partner could be giving you all the reassurance in the world to say that, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not doing anything. I'm not talking to that person, or she's just a friend and they give you this reassurance, but you don't believe them. When you don't believe them, there is often a very good reason for that. So you need to pay attention to what your gut is communicating with you. If you actually do believe your partner and they seem very genuine and they're in integrity and you trust them, but then you are still feeling highly anxious and highly concerned about them, finding other people attractive, then that's more of a you problem. Okay. Which isn't a bad thing. It just means we need to get aware of that and look at where that's coming from, so that you can take responsibility for managing those emotions so that they don't impact and have a detrimental effect on your relationship. So if your partner is being shady, they're saying something, but their words, it's no, things aren't really adding up. Or if your partner is, every time you're out in public, they are blatantly. Goring at other people, like they're just staring at other women or other men, and that makes you feel uncomfortable. That's not okay. I mean, first of all, we shouldn't be staring at other people anyway, but it is okay if for you that is crossing a boundary or if your partner is constantly flirting with other people in front of you, that is crossing a boundary. Because yes, whilst. When you're in a relationship, you will still find other people attractive. If you are choosing to commit yourself to someone, there comes a certain level of respect that needs to be maintained because respect is the foundation to a healthy relationship. If you don't respect your partner, that relationship is doomed. If your partner loses respect for you, you don't wanna be in that relationship anymore. So we do need to be paying attention to, do I feel disrespected by my partner's actions? Are they doing something to break my trust and commitment? If they are, this is where a conversation needs to be had, and some boundaries need to be put in place. But let's say for the sake of this conversation that your partner isn't doing anything to make you believe. You can't trust them or to make you think they're out there doing something shady. They're doing the dirty. But you are still feeling deeply insecure and anxious. Now, let me tell you a quick story about a time when I was, this was quite early on into my previous relationship when I was with my secure partner, I. And keep in mind, I had come a long way from my anxiously attached days, but I was still healing. And healing isn't a linear journey. So you can be doing great for a few months and then a particular instance will arise that is going to trigger some past anxiety or insecurity, or it's going to highlight a wound that you realize isn't fully healed. And this happened to me. So for context, in a past relationship, I was cheated on. I was dating someone who was extremely narcissistic, who made me question myself all the time, who gaslit me. So I, you know, believed I was crazy after a while and really shattered myself esteem. And I was cheated on by him several occasions. So I thought I had done everything to heal that wound, but clearly I hadn't because in my secure relationship, my partner who was super loving, super trustful, he was an amazing partner. He went away on a work trip for about three or four days, and this was a work trip where there was quite a few people coming together in the company that he worked for from different states and. I started to have these thoughts creep in these anxious thoughts, this insecurity of, oh my God, is he gonna be finding other people attractive? Are they gonna be drinking? Are they gonna be girls who are gonna flirt with him? Is he gonna bring someone back to his room, like just catastrophizing? Which I understand now was coming from a previous wound that was causing this fear, and so I was just projecting this onto him. And we were on the phone a few days into him being there and I could feel myself wanting to bait him, wanting to ask him these questions to almost try to prove myself to be true because this is what we love to do. If we have a fear that our partner is gonna cheat on us or hurt us, we try to beat them to the punch and we try to find evidence that they are gonna do that in order to protect ourselves, because we don't wanna be blindsided. So we were on the phone, we are chatting, we're chatting, we're chatting, and then it was honestly one of those situations where you say to yourself, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. And then you do the thing. And so I kind of half jokingly said, oh, so do you find any of the girls attractive? Are there any like hot girls there? I put him in a really difficult position. Because he, you know, he was like, well, I think he actually said to me, well, how do you want me to answer that? Because he was quite secure, so he really knew how to handle this. And he put it back on me and I was like, well, I don't know. Like, did you? I was probing him. I was trying to get him to admit that he did. And he, he sort of said, well, I don't know, like maybe, but why are you asking me that question? What are you trying to, what are you trying to get from this question? If you think I would ever do anything, then you know, I'm kind of disappointed that you would even think that. But of course, like, I don't know, maybe there's some attractive people here, but it doesn't mean anything to me. And I instantly felt like shit because I had caused an unnecessary kink in our relationship. And I made him feel bad by questioning his integrity when he hadn't given me any reason to question it. And I felt quite bad about myself for letting that past wound and that insecurity come up in this relationship and projected onto him. And so I learned a valuable lesson from this, which was needing to get very curious about where this is stemming from. Where is my insecurity coming from? And there are a few areas that this may be coming from. So if you are in the same boat and you experience this insecurity, then it could be number one, as we've just discussed, a past relationship where the trust was broken. If you have been cheated on in a relationship, then you know firsthand how damaging that can be. To have someone where you are deeply attached, break that trust and betray you, does create a wound, and it can take time to recognize that it's not about you when someone cheats on you, it is not a reflection of your self-worth or your value. And I mean, this is a, a whole rabbit hole. We could go down around cheating because. There can be many different reasons as to why people are disloyal in relationships. But for this instance, we are talking about when you are with someone who is very toxic and narcissistic and they know what they're doing and they don't care, and they just do out there to please themselves, and the damaging effect that can have on you is not one to be undermined, and I understand. This is where you have an invitation to look at where this is coming from and really identify, okay. I can see here that the pain I experienced in my past relationship. I have carried a part of that with me. And you need to ask yourself the question, is it fair that I'm projecting this onto my current partner? Have they actually done anything to make me believe that they would hurt me in the same way? And if the answer is no, then my friend, this is where we need to do some work on healing. That trust wound. I am gonna get into some steps to help you do that in a moment, but this is just first of all, identifying where this insecurity comes from. The next place it could be coming from is your own fear of abandonment. So if you have an anxious attachment style, a very common core wound is this fear of abandonment because most likely when you were young, you experienced some form of physical and or emotional abandonment where your parent. Was not around. Maybe you were a child of divorce, maybe your parents were together, but there was a lot of emotional abandonment. A lot of inconsistency with, are they gonna be there for me when I need them? Are they gonna meet my needs? Can I rely on them? And if you couldn't that likely put your nervous system into a state where you are constantly on edge, you're constantly anticipating the abandonment. If you carry that wound, that can come into our adult relationships where we are constantly scanning our environment for signs that we will be abandoned. You become hypervigilant. And this is one way that you try to find evidence for your fear of abandonment, is we look for, we try to find signs of potential betrayal in our partner. We take this idea that my partner finds other people attractive and we blow it up. We put it on this big screen and we make it this huge deal, and we are constantly on edge trying to control that. Which we can't, we can't control who our partner finds attractive. What you can control is yourself, so really trying to get clear on do you have a fear of abandonment and how are you projecting that fear onto your partner? And the third one is low self-esteem. This is sort of a result of both of the, of the other two points we just covered. So we're. A past relationship where trust was broken and having a an abandonment wound, both of these things are going to cause low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem, typically it means you have quite a poor opinion of yourself. You have a lack of confidence. There's a lot of negative self-talk going on, and you just have a general feeling of inadequacy. When you are in this boat of having low self-esteem, having a lack of confidence, being very self-critical, it can be very difficult to trust your partner in relationships. Because if you have a low self-esteem you don't deem yourself to be that worthy maybe of love, then it makes sense that you are going to be. Expecting to be hurt, expecting to be let down, to be abandoned, to be betrayed things or people of low value typically aren't traded very well. If you think about the difference between an old secondhand car that's 20 years old and it's absolute bomb versus a brand new Ferrari. Think about if you. It had both of these cars, how you would treat them. You'd probably treat the old car with not much care, not much consideration or intent. You'd leave rubbish in the car. You probably wouldn't clean it that often. You wouldn't care if you spilled a bit of coffee on the seat. But when it comes to the Ferrari, because you deem it to be really high value, you're gonna take very good care of it. You're going to be very intentional about what you bring into the car. Not letting people come in with dirty feet, not letting dogs on the seats. You're gonna take much better care of it. So when we look at it like that, if we look at an object like a car, these two different cars, you can see how based on the way it's viewed, we are going to have a different relationship with it. Now, I'm not saying that if you have low self-esteem, you are a 20-year-old beat up car. I'm not saying that. What I am saying is you may on some weird way, on some subconscious level, treat yourself like that old car and expect to be treated like that old car. We need to be aware of this. So we can understand why you are anticipating the pain and the betrayal. if I don't feel confident within myself, if I don't talk positively to myself and have a high opinion and feel adequate and worthy, of course it makes sense that I don't feel worthy of being respected, of being in a committed relationship of not having my partner hurt me. That makes sense. Yeah. From here we wanna ask how can you build your self-esteem so that you recognize your value rather than focusing on your deficits or the things you might be lacking? So what are some steps we can take some proactive steps to get you into a better place in your relationship so that we aren't projecting our inner pain onto our partner who hopefully. Is a very loving, loyal, secure person. The first tip I have for you is to share openly with your partner about how you are feeling so that they can understand this is a sensitive topic for you. Many times in life, people go around doing things and they're not even aware of the implications of their actions on the people around them. So your partner might when you're out at a cafe or you're at a restaurant, you're out in public. They might. Find that they start looking at people around them who are attractive without even realizing that they're doing it, and it might mean absolutely nothing, they could just be observing because generally we do that when there's something pretty, something shiny, something attractive around. With the way that we're wired, we just naturally turn our attention to it. Your partner could be doing this without realizing that you are very sensitive. To this, that you are hypervigilant and you are hyper aware that your partner is looking at other people and it's making you uncomfortable. We need to communicate this with our partners because it's not fair to expect your partner to be a mind reader. What you don't wanna do is give them the cold shoulder to give them the silent treatment. If you notice that they're looking at other people. number one, it's not fair because they're not a mind reader. Number two, that's not who we're stepping into, that is the old anxiously attached behavior. And if you are on your journey of becoming more secure, which I know you are, then it's gonna require you to step up and you use your open communication skills to talk about this, to have a real honest conversation If you are with a secure partner, they should most likely welcome this conversation. They would want to understand if they're making you uncomfortable and to do something about it. If you are dating someone who, when you bring this up, they immediately shut it down, or they deflect, or they gaslight you, or they tell you you're being ridiculous, that's a red flag. That is a big red flag, and we want to pay attention to that. telling your partner how this feels for you. If you were cheated on in the past, if you do have a fear of abandonment, if you are actively working on healing your attachment wounds, let them in. Let them know that this is real for you and this is what's present for you. telling them that, Hey babe, I know that you probably. There is no intention behind your actions, but I wanna share something with you that is making me uncomfortable. Are you open to that? Are you open to that really important, getting their emotional buy into the conversation, getting them prepped for the conversation, and then let them know. Where you're at, describe to them your experiences, and then the next step is ask for what you need. Ask for reassurance. If you do need extra reassurance as you're on your healing journey and as you are building your self-esteem, that is okay. Whether it's just asking your partner to reassure you a little bit more often how they are attracted to you and that they desire you. That they love you. If you need those words of affirmation, if you need to set a boundary to say, I don't feel comfortable when we are out in public and I see you actively looking around at other girls or other guys who you find attractive, it makes me uncomfortable. Would you be open to making a more conscious effort to not do that? Because it doesn't make me feel good. Saying it directly, saying it like it is, and inviting your partner into the conversation. The third step is getting really curious about where this insecurity is stemming from for you. Asking yourself important questions such as. Where do I feel? Where do I think my insecurity stems from? Where did I first learn that I'm not, quote unquote good enough? Often we feel that if we have insecurities or trust issues or abandonment wounds, there'll be some part of us that feels we're not good at enough. So really getting curious, where did I first learn that? Who taught me that? And then on the contrary, what evidence can I find to prove my worth to myself? This is important because if you are very well practiced at putting yourself down or picking out your flaws for just talking down to yourself, then you need to actively practice talking up to yourself. Finding the qualities about yourself that you do like, that you do admire. Finding evidence that proves you are an amazing person, that you are someone who is worthy of love, worthy of respect and of commitment. Because if you can't see these things within yourself, how can you expect other people to see them within you? We need to recognize our value, and fully believe that on a bodily level so that we can. Emulate that in the world so that we can walk down the street with our shoulders back and our head held high and not settle for any bullshit so that you can trust yourself. And when someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes, you can call them out and say, I'm not someone who puts up with that because I know my worth. When you have high self-esteem, you're also gonna feel more confident to have these conversations with your partner, to ask for reassurance and ask for what you need. Because you believed to your core that you are someone who is worthy of having these needs met. Next is asking, how can I be compassionate with myself? This is a big one that I think a lot of us tend to forget, you wanna be as compassionate with yourself as you are navigating this journey and healing as you would be with your best friend. Think about the way you would show up for someone who you deeply love and care about. If they were struggling with this, how would you speak to them? What words of encouragement and reassurance would you give them? You need to direct that back to yourself because you can only get so far by trying to, beat yourself into submission and be hard on yourself in order to improve. And if you have that as a pattern, where does that come from? Where did you learn that you have to be hard on yourself in order to change and grow and get results? Because I tell you, that is not gonna get you very far. How can you be compassionate and immerse yourself with so much love and care as you are navigating this? And then finally, what do I need to feel confident and secure in my relationship? This is a really subjective question. Don't think that there is just this cookie cutter, one size fits all list of things that are allowed and expected for you to feel confident and secure in your relationship. It doesn't work like that. It's completely subjective to you, to your past experiences, to who you are as a person, your personality. You're gonna need different things, and it's okay to ask for them. So get clear and really clarify in your mind, what are the things in specific detail that I need from my partner to feel secure in this relationship. And then it's about having a conversation with them and sharing your needs and seeing if they are open to meeting them. This may take sometimes a little bit of a conversation. There may need to be some compromise because we can't, we need to be careful that we aren't expecting our partner to take care of our emotional wellbeing entirely. That's not fair. And it's not their job. Yes, it is their job to be supportive. To be respectful, to give you reassurance and validation. A hundred percent, but you must meet them in the middle. We must meet our partners halfway. So it is your job to develop that inner sense of confidence, to build that self-esteem and to find that inner security for yourself so you can show up to the relationship, a happier, more fulfilled, loving partner, where you get to focus on the relationship itself and having fun in the relationship and deepening that connection, moving forward together and being on the same team. Rather than being on opposite teams and always waiting out for your partner to hurt you. Alright, let's go over these points to recap. So looking at normalizing, finding other people attractive. Remember, this is a normal part of being human, and when we can accept this truth, we can find ease. Pay attention, to the way your partner is responding to your concerns. Are they meeting them with open arms? Are they happy to talk about it? Or are they shutting you down? Is your gut instinct telling you that they're lying? And if they are, pay attention. Recognize the difference between. The normality of someone, finding another person attractive, and then crossing a boundary and overstepping, there's a big difference. The next point is looking at where does this insecurity stem from? Is it a fear of abandonment? Is it a past relationship wound where your trust was broken? Is it low self-esteem? And then finally, how can you build your self-esteem to recognize your value rather than focusing on the deficits or what you think you're lacking? So this is sharing openly with your partner about how you are feeling so that they can understand this is a sensitive topic for you. Ask for reassurance, ask for what it is that you need, and then getting curious, where did you first learn you're not good enough? Where does this insecurity stem from? What evidence can you find to disprove that belief that you're not good enough? How can you be compassionate with yourself? Build yourself up. Sometimes you will have the tools and the knowledge to do this with yourself, and sometimes you will need the guidance and support of a therapist or a coach who specializes in this work to help you do that. But either way, very important to focus on what you can do and what you can control. So my friend, get out there, take your power back and know that you are so worthy. You are so valuable and anyone in this world is lucky to have you as their partner. Have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.