The Secure Love Club Podcast

Ep #19: Europe Catch-Up + Stop Putting Your Life on Hold for a Relationship!!!

• Mimi Watt

Share episode

If you’ve ever caught yourself saying “I’ll be happy when…” — when I find my person, when I make more money, when I finally feel chosen — this episode is your wake-up call. Fresh from my Europe trip, I’m sharing the biggest shift I had around what it actually means to live fully — without waiting for the relationship, the job, or the external milestone to give you permission to enjoy your life. We dive into why so many women (especially those with anxious attachment) press pause on their joy, and how that mindset is quietly keeping you stuck in low self-worth and disconnection. You’ll learn why living a full, joy-filled life right now is not only healing for your nervous system… but also one of the most magnetic things you can do in dating. No more waiting. Let’s go.

🔥 In this episode, we cover:
• The trap of “I’ll be happy when…” thinking
• Why anxious daters hyper-focus on relationships to feel worthy
• How society conditioned you to believe love is the goal
• The self-worth, confidence, and identity you gain when you start living for YOU
• What actually makes you magnetic to secure, healthy love
• Tangible steps to start living fully today — without waiting for a partner to make it happen

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA
Connect with Mimi on Instagram here! 

Got something you'd love me to record an episode on? DM me on Instagram and let me know!

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the Club. How are you doing today? How are you? I've missed you. It feels like a while since I've sat down to record on the mic, because as you know, if you are a regular listener, I have just been away living my best life in Europe for the past month. So every episode that you have listened to was recorded before I went away to make sure that you didn't miss. Connecting with me week by week, and so it feels really nice to be sitting down here using my voice again and giving you the goss. I wanna give you, first of all, a little bit of an update, a little bit of a takeaway, because I know you're dying to know how Europe was and it was. So amazing. It was incredible. This was my first time to Europe and what a way to experience Europe for the first time than a month in Italy. Ugh, the vibe in Italy was. Like nothing I've ever experienced. It honestly felt like I traveled back in time, walking around the streets, seeing the different cities, the culture, the buildings, the architecture, the people, the food, everything was just, I couldn't soak it up enough, basically. And I had so many moments when I was on that trip that made me stop and go, wait. This is what life is all about. This is what life is about. Life is for fucking living. And I know I probably sound like, you know, a like a hard, like a, what do you call it, like a card or a, like a fridge magnet, like life is for living. Go live your life. But I really do mean it. And there were several moments throughout the trip where I cried, not sadness, but tears of happiness because I was so. In the moment and so moved by things I was experiencing that it was a really powerful reminder that life really is for living. It's not just for grinding and working 24 7 and hustling and being bogged down by all the day-to-day stresses of life, which is so easy to do. We, we all do that, right? We fall into autopilot. We fall into the trap of. Stressing over the little things or just never giving ourselves a proper break. And yes, I was on holiday, so it's easy to say this, but truly it was a reminder that I personally needed to stop putting life on hold until. Something to start living your life. So maybe it's until you make a certain amount of money, until you have that body and you're really ripped and in shape until you have a partner or you have the relationship. And this was definitely a wake up call that I needed, and today's episode is going to be about that. I hope this is a bit of a wake up call for you to reflect and ask yourself. Am I really living my life? Am I truly happy? Am I truly filling up my cup or am I constantly anxious because I'm just looking to the future and focusing on what I have not yet achieved or not yet done? And only when I have that thing, then I will be happy. The exact moment on this trip that I first had this realization was. We were in Verona and we went and did a wine tasting at a beautiful vineyard in an area called Val Pella. And I was there with Rach, my, one of my best friends who you would've seen if you follow my stories on Instagram, who was there with me. And we had, we did this private wine tasting and before we tasted the wine, we got this beautiful tour through the vineyards by the woman who, um, was the owner. And she was explaining to us. You know how they grow the grapes and how they harvest them, and the process of making the wine. And then we got to see where the wine was stored in the barrels, and then the setting where we sat. To drink wine was honestly like something out of a Nazi Maya film that I was hoping I would experience. It was the most beautiful, warm, sunny day. There was a balmy breeze blowing through the trees. We were sitting at this like beautiful wooden table under this gorgeous white umbrella. Looking out over the vineyards just as far as the eye could see. There were birds chirping and flying around. We were sitting under this gorgeous big tree that had these beautiful purple flowers hanging down, and it was so peaceful, and we got to try six different wines. The wine was so beautiful, and I think because it was the first time I've ever done a wine tasting, and because you only get, you know, a few sips of each wine, you really slow down and you are in the present moment and you are savoring. Every sip that touches your lips and you're noticing the different nuances in the wine, because that's the whole point of the wine tasting, is to taste the different distinctions and the sweetness or the bitterness, or you know, the bitter almond or the tannins in the wine, whatever it is. And I was sat there and I was taking a sip of this beautiful wine and the breeze was blowing across my face and I had one of my best friends next to me, and I just had this moment looking out over the vineyards of full body gratitude. And a moment where I just realize like, number one, I am so fucking lucky that I'm here right now. I'm so grateful that I get to be here experiencing this. Just being so in the present moment, it made me realize that I don't remember the last time I felt like this. Where I felt so calm and centered and happy and present, and that is such a rarity these days. It is so easy to be swept up in the busyness of our life and the hustle and the growth mentality, and always trying to achieve more, do more, be better. Perfect this, perfect that, that we don't spend enough time truly enjoying life. And isn't that the whole point? You know, there's that trend that's going around on TikTok and Instagram and it's like, I almost forgot, this is the whole point. That's how it felt. It's like we are here for this one life as far as we know, and one day we're gonna die and. Who cares. Like it's, we are meant to live our life. We're meant to be happy and we're meant to be enjoying it. And we can't wait for X, Y, Z to happen before we start living our damn life. And this really made me think about you and the, you know, how you might be living right now and how, I know I used to, when I always felt like I had to put my life on hold for a relationship. I thought that I will only be happy when I have the partner, when I have the perfect relationship, and then I can start living my life. And if that's where you are, then today's episode is going to be perfect for you. We are going to talk about the trap of waiting for a relationship. Why living fully without a partner is a game changer. How anxious attachment can get in the way and how to start living for you today. Alright, my friends, let's dive in. Let's talk about this trap that so many of us fall into the trap of waiting, waiting to feel confident, waiting to be happy, waiting to start that hobby. Go on that trip. Wear the damn dress, all because we're waiting for someone else to come into our lives first. And I get it. It's not your fault. We've been conditioned this way, right from the time we were little. We've been basically spoonfed the message that the ultimate goal in life, especially as women, is to find the one. Think about it. Every fairytale ends when the girl gets the guy. Not when she builds her dream, life starts her own business, or discovers how powerful she is on her own. No, the story ends when she is chosen. Think about it. Think about Shrek. Think about a Cinderella story with Hillary Duff. Think about. Fuck, I don't know any romantic movie is pretty much how it ends, and we grow up watching movies and TV shows and reading books that all repeat the same story, that love equals completion. Love equals worth. Love equals finally being enough. So of course, when we are single, especially if we're someone with an anxious attachment style, we can end up believing that life hasn't really started yet in a weird way that we're in some kind of in-between phase. Like we're in the waiting room of life until someone finally comes along and picks off, sorry, picks us, but. It's such a dangerous mindset to live in because when you are anxiously attached, that waiting doesn't just feel neutral. It feels desperate. Yeah. And I can say that because I have been there. I know what it's like. You don't just want love, you need it. You feel that you need it to feel safe, to feel good enough, to feel like your life matters and has purpose and meaning. So if that's how you're feeling, what happens? I. You put your life on hold, you obsess over dating. You attach to someone after two dates, you fantasize about the relationship that you might have instead of living the life you actually have. You wait by your phone instead of going out and being present in your life. And I say this with love, but also with some tough truth. If your joy is on pause until someone texts you back. We've got a problem, my friend, because here's the thing, a relationship is meant to add to your life, not to be your life. And when you don't have your own sense of joy, purpose, fun, and identity, you end up clinging to the relationship like it's a lifeline. And that's not love. That is survival mode dressed up as romance. I remember when I used to feel this way when I was single, and then I would get into a relationship and it was as though the intensity of the void that I felt within myself and the desperation for connection just got more intense. It was amplified because I realized every time that. Crap. Like I am trying to control this person outside of me to make me feel happy to be the, the number one controller of my emotional wellbeing at all times. And that's just not how life works. That's not how relationships work. Or if you're trying to make one work like that. It's definitely toxic and it's not fulfilling. It's actually really difficult, and I was riddled with anxiety stressed all the time, having physical symptoms, like getting sick really often. It's just a bit of a disaster, and the truth is we are not born to survive. Love. We are born to experience it from a place of wholeness. And you deserve that. You deserve a life that's so full, so alive, and so yours that when the relationship comes in, it's just the cherry on top, my love. It's not the whole damn cake. Right? And living a life without a partner isn't just about being okay on your own. It's about becoming magnetic. It's about becoming the version of yourself that you know is deep inside of you, but you're just struggling to access right now. It's about building self-trust, creating confidence, and showing up in your life like you are already the main character I. Because you are. So, in the next part of this episode, I'm gonna break down exactly why choosing to live fully without a partner is a game changer. Not just for your happiness, but for your self-worth, your dating life, and the kind of love you attract. Now, if you are currently in a relationship. That's okay. You can still take what I'm gonna give you and apply it to your own life. Maybe it'll be a powerful reminder. Maybe it'll be a perspective shift, something you haven't thought about before, or just some energy that you wanna take and inject into your own life. So let's get into it. When you live fully without a relationship, you are proving to yourself every single day that you matter. Not because someone is choosing you or validating you, but because you've decided that your life is worth showing up for, that you are worth showing up for, and you start building evidence that you are the one who creates meaning. You create the joy and the momentum in your life, not your relationship status, not your amazing partner, right? That you tend to put on a pedestal. No. It's you. So instead of saying, okay, I'm gonna wait until I'm in a relationship to travel to Italy, like I could have done that, I could have said, no, I'm gonna wait until I have a partner. I'm gonna do that trip with them. Instead, you book the ticket, you pack your damn bags, and you go, you learn how to navigate a new country. You realize that you can handle things solo. You meet people, you try new food, you explore new versions of yourself. And that experience becomes part of your identity, and because of that, your self-worth skyrockets because you are proving that. Hang on. I actually can be the one to create a beautiful life on my own. I don't need to wait around for someone to hold my hand to do that with and yeah, sure. Go do it with one of your besties. Go do it with a friend. People who are already in your life, who you already have love for, who already love and appreciate you go with a friend. I. Self-worth isn't built in your head. It's built through action and this is what action looks like or don't. You know, go on the trip to Italy and be sad the whole time that you don't have a partner who you could be sharing this with. When you see cute couples drinking wine and eating pasta together, don't let yourself go there. Right? We wanna start living as though that relationship is already on its way. It's already coming. It is inevitable. And if that were the truth, how would you be living your life? What would you be, what would you stop worrying about? How would you be showing up? How would it change your happiness, your approach to the present moment if you knew that that relationship was coming? You know, it's all good and well to say affirmations in the mirror like, I am worthy of love. I'm worthy of a beautiful life. I'm worthy of this, that, and the other. But the real way, if you truly want to embody that sense of self-worth the way that you do it. Is through taking action. It is by giving your brain new evidence that that is actually true. It is a fact because if you are telling yourself this all day long, but you are spending every weekend, every night, just sitting at home, like never doing anything, never getting outside your comfort zone. It's pretty hard to show up in the world as that person who has that high sense of self-worth. We need to be giving our brain evidence to draw from, to prove that you are someone who has high self-worth. Self-worth, meaning that you get out there and you do the things you want to do because you believe on a subconscious level that you are worthy of those things. Right, because our brain loves to prove itself to be true, to be correct. So if you want to have that belief of I'm someone who has a high self-worth, you've gotta get out there and start living your life. I'm sorry, there is no other way around it. I wish I could give you some magic bullet or like a, you know, a golden ticket. But it doesn't work that way. It, you have to start doing things that are outside your comfort zone and the things that. You know, if you're not even sure what that is, start paying attention to when you see certain people online living their life, what are the things that they are doing that when you see it, you get that warm tingly feeling, or you get that little burst of excitement or you go, oh my God, I wish I had that, or, I wish I was doing that. It's usually a sign that, yeah, that is something that you want, right? It's a bit of a cheat code into what your soul is searching for the things that are gonna make you happy. And once you see what they are, you need to start doing them right? Do the things that bring you the joy and the pleasure and the confidence without needing anyone else to activate them inside you. When you do that, your self-esteem naturally grows because you're not outsourcing your good feelings and emotions to someone else. You're saying, I trust myself to create a life that feels good. Let's say your go-to move used to be texting your crush for validation when you were feeling low, like that was the way that you picked up your, your mood and made yourself feel better. But now. Instead of doing that, you take yourself on a hot girl walk. I, I don't know why I say that. I sort of hate that, that expression. But anyway, you take yourself on a walk with your favorite podcast, with your long black, with a dash of hot almond milk. Hey, you cook a delicious dinner, put on music. You light a candle and you actually enjoy your own damn company. How empowering is that? Like instead of sitting at home in that victim mentality, you're like, fuck this, I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna show myself a good time. And when you actually do that, the, the fulfillment you get is so rewarding. You are rewiring your brain to understand that you are capable of creating joy, that you don't have to sit in the waiting room of life until someone else makes it better. And my friend. That is what self-esteem actually is not. I feel good because I'm liked, but I feel good because I'm grounded in who I am and what I bring to the table. One of the biggest shift that happens when you stop waiting for that love is you reclaim your identity because somewhere along the lines. A lot of us have made being chosen or being someone's partner, the center of our self-worth. We've made our whole personality about love and dating, especially if we're anxiously attached. But when you choose to live without centering everything around a future partner, your identity expands. You get curious again, you try new things. You say yes to dance classes. You do an art workshop or a pottery class. You go on a weekend hike. You start that side hustle. You join a book club, you get into Pilates or whatever the hell makes you feel alive. You realize you're not just someone waiting to be loved. You are an adventurer. You are a creator, you're a leader. You are basically a multi, not basically, you are a multi-dimensional woman or person, man who's here to live, not just to love and be loved. Yes, that's part of it. But there is so much more to your life, and that shift in identity is so powerful because it reminds you that. You were never lacking to begin with. You were just living too small. And now that you're taking up space, it is glorious. This is a big piece of the puzzle that I know many people are missing. Many clients when they come to me is they forget who they are. They don't really know. They can't describe their identity or the things that they're into or what makes them happy because they've just gotten so lost in toxic relationships where they were consumed mentally, physically, and emotionally. By that relationship because it was these, you know, toxic relationships for the anxiously attached. We are always in a state of lack, we are always trying to get more. We never have enough. We are always frustrated. We are always anxious and on edge. We're never actually in a state of peace. And when you're not in a state of peace, you can't think clearly about what do I want? What do I wanna do? What's gonna make me happy today? Because you're stuck in survival mode, trying to control things externally that you can't really control. So such an important piece of reclaiming your identity. And now when you stop dating or being in relationships from a place of lack or pressure, you. I'm no longer showing up on dates thinking, oh my God, please let this be the one so I can finally feel good about myself. Like, please let them like me. No, you are thinking, okay, let's see if this person gets to be part of my already amazing life. Do they make the cut? You stop clinging, you stop needing constant reassurance. You stop performing. Right? Or people pleasing just to keep someone interested because. You don't need to do that because you no longer have that lack or that void. So why would you entertain someone like that anyway? And instead, you are grounded in your worth. You have stuff going on. You've got plans, passions, and people in your corner. You're not looking for someone to save you from loneliness. You're looking for someone who can meet you where you are at. And let me tell you that energy. Is what secure relationships are built on. Because secure people aren't drawn to desperation. They're drawn to people who know themselves, people who have their own life and are inviting a partner into it. Not handing over the reins. This is exactly how I felt when I attracted my first secure relationship. I had been, as you know, in a string of back-to-back relationships with avoidant, emotionally unavailable people. I was totally consumed by them. I did not have my own life. I had no hobbies. I. Had no interests. I was, you know, really just a shell of myself, of who I am now. And when I finally ended the last, uh, toxic relationship I was in and did all of the, the inner work to really heal my anxious attachment style and worked with a coach and did the things invested in myself, I finally found that sense of independence and identity and freedom. Coming back to me and I, I went out and I got new hobbies. I started surfing. I joined a new gym. I made new friends. I was socializing. I was starting my business. I was, you know, taking the time to meditate, to pour love into myself. I was a happy, fulfilled individual who had her own life. And that is what was so magnetic to my secure ex, who also had his own life and was looking for someone to share it with, not someone to rescue him or for him to be the rescuer for me. So I have walked the walk here. Let me tell you. The safest thing you can do for your anxious attachment is start showing up for yourself like your own right or die. It is about not leaning into the anxiety and the need to control and the fear that someone's gonna leave you or walk away. Don't lean into that. Lean into, I'm gonna stand on my own two feet. Even if I feel the resistance, I'm gonna push myself to get out there to try something new so that you can show yourself that you actually are safe without a partner. I. Okay. And I know this is hard because with an anxious attachment, you have a tendency to constantly crave a connection or reassurance from someone outside of you, and it can really trick you into thinking that life is on hold until you're with someone, or it tricks you into thinking or believing that you don't have the strength or the ability to stand on your own two feet without a partner. There's that real fear of doing things alone, uh, or that fulfillment equals intimacy with someone else. Like you're only fulfilled when you have that and you abandon your own plans. You mold your life around your relationships. And I really think that this all comes from, the conditioning you experienced when you were young in one way or another, where. You actually never felt safe to let go, right? To take your attention off your parents or your caregivers because their love and their emotional presence and consistency was inconsistent. It was not predictable. And because we associate their love with survival. It meant that you couldn't, you didn't feel safe to just let go of the reins and go and explore and put a lot of time into building your identity or your hobbies or your friendships because you're so fixated on, no, no, no. I need to keep my attention here on this relationship with my primary attachment figure because this is how I survive and this is what's crucial. And when your nervous system develops that's how it's, tuned. Of course it's gonna be hard to do those things when you're an adult because you're, what you're doing is you're just transferring the focus from the relationship with your parents onto the relationship with your partner or a potential partner. You remain fixated because your body thinks, no, no, I need to overthink, to be codependent, to fixate, to latch onto someone because if I don't, I won't survive. And when we can understand why that's happening, we can have a lot more empathy for ourselves. And when we have empathy and understanding, that's what empowers you to be able to make a different decision about how you wanna show up in the world and in your life. So how do you start doing this? How do you start really living for you today? What I want you to do is to audit your joy. Think about or ask yourself, where in my week do I feel truly alive? And if the answer to that is. Nowhere. If you're in a place where you're currently not feeling that, then what I want you to do is think back to a time in your life where you felt like you were thriving, and try to identify what were you doing in your week? How were you living your life that made you feel as though you were thriving, that made you feel really happy I did this exercise. I actually did this a while ago, but I might do it again, but I just pulled up. Um, you can just do this. Do I recommend doing this on the Notes app in your phone? Put my Thriving error as the title, and then think about a chapter in your life when you felt really, really good and start writing out what were you doing that made you feel so good. So for me, some of the things I had on my list was, number one, I was training four to five, four to five days a week. So for me, when I'm consistently exercising and weightlifting and training, I feel fucking amazing. Uh, morning Walks by the Ocean Comedy Podcasts, spending time with like-minded people. Dating multiple people was one I had on there not drinking during the week, saying yes more, uh, getting tattoos, Lowell. That was at my phase where I was really loving, getting tattoos, speaking up for myself, paying off debt, following my instincts, asking for what I want. Dancing to high vibe music as soon as I wake up. Chamal tea and dark chocolate before bed and doing things before I feel ready. So that was a little list that I put together that really was a reflection of a chapter when I was just feeling, I was really feeling myself, you know, I was happy, I was lit up. I was excited about life. So, yours might look similar. It might be totally different. It doesn't matter what's on there, as long as it is unique to you, it is authentic to you. And see where you can start incorporating some of those things back into your life. If some of those have slipped away, how can you invite them in? And are there new things that you want to try? Like start small. Maybe it's if you have never taken yourself out for lunch or for dinner, uh, try that, like book a nice dinner and genuinely go on your own. And if you feel really uncomfortable doing that. Take a book. Don't take your phone. Don't take like, don't be on your phone the whole night, but maybe take a book, something where you won't be pulled outta the present moment, but just give it a go. Or maybe you wanna plan a little weekend away somewhere. Like if you have a car, if you can drive somewhere. Not too far away. Maybe it's like you just literally book a one night stay in an Airbnb and you just go and spend some time with yourself, right? Just take that first step and it doesn't have, this doesn't have to mean that you have to totally flip your life upside down and overhaul everything overnight. I don't want you to feel that, but I do want you to start reflecting on. How you're living your life and what is missing. And one of the best ways to do this is to ask yourself the question, if I already had the relationship, what would I be doing with my life? It's such a powerful question. Or I did a reel a few months back, which was, if you were guaranteed to never be in a relationship again, how would you start living your life And. Maybe that's a daunting question, but it really does, highlight if you are someone who is like, whoa, I've been waiting for the relationship to do all these different things, to start my career over or start a new hobby or whatever it might be. I've been waiting. So if it were either guaranteed that it was coming or you already had it, or that you knew a relationship was outta the cards, okay, well, what would I be doing with my life to make myself happy? Yeah, really start thinking about this. I've been thinking about it. Since coming back from Europe, and for me personally, I'm not. I'm definitely not someone who's waiting for a relationship for my life to start, but for me personally, I do know that well, as you may or may not know, I've been in a bit of an odd. Sort of limbo situation with my living environment for the last six months where I was living in Bali for six months and then I've come to Melbourne, spending time with my mom here, which is so beautiful. But I think I've been telling myself okay, when I move back to Sydney, I will start, living my life more. I'll be more social. I will, get back out there, have my independence again, or when I make more money, or that's when I'll feel really happy and I'll be excited. But the trip to Europe has shown me that I can't continue to live like that because having that mentality is what you are. I'm not in acceptance of my current situation. And when you're not accepting your current situation, I. You are suffering and there is a lot of resistance. And when we feel like we are suffering, we feel resistance or frustration. It puts you into a very low vibrational state. And typically that means you're gonna take more action to just keep yourself in that low vibe state and prove to your brain that, yeah, we are in a weird stalemate. We are in a limbo, phase of life. So let's just keep doing things that are gonna continue that limbo phase of life. And. I don't wanna feel this way anymore. Yeah, I'm, maybe I'll move to Sydney again one day soon, or maybe I'll stay here. I don't know. But I'm not gonna put my life on hold until that day, and I'm not gonna put my life on hold until I make X amount of money. I wanna start doing things now that are gonna make me happy. So some things that I'm gonna do. Number one, I'm gonna join a new gym. A gym that I actually wanna go to and spend time at. Because for me, that brings me a lot of joy and I could really feel myself putting that off before I went away. I wanna get into making sourdough bread because I'm sick of buying shitty bread from the supermarket and I wanna make delicious sourdough bread, and I feel like it would just be such a wholesome. Thing to do. So I'm gonna do that. And I've decided also that I wanna get back into dating. And I say that not from a place of lack, but from a place of I wanna meet people again and I want to get to know them and have new experiences and feel, excited about love again because I have been not dating for. Quite a while now, over a year and happily so that's been by choice, but I think I wanna get back out there. So I updated my hinge profile. I've started conversations and yeah, I'm gonna live my life today. I'm gonna do it now, and I encourage you to do the same. So I want to wrap up this episode, and I don't want you to just be listening to this and nodding along. What is one thing, one thing that you are going to do this week to stop waiting and start living? Message me on Instagram. Tell me what it is. Declare it. Slide into my dms. I want to know what it's gonna be. Share it with me and you can give me updates when you do it. All right, my friends, get out there. Have a beautiful week and I will talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.