Ep #20: How to Stop Spiraling After One Date: The Anti-Obsession Method

Ever caught yourself planning your wedding playlist after one flirty date? 👀 Already imagining what your couple selfies will look like before you even know their last name? You’re not alone, my love—and you’re not crazy. In today’s juicy episode of The Secure Love Club Podcast, I’m answering a question I get all the time: “How do I stop myself from spiraling into fantasy land and imagining my whole life with someone I barely know?!” If dating has you exhausted from mentally fast-forwarding every new connection… this one’s for you.

We dive into:
💭 Why your brain creates elaborate fantasies after a first date
🧠 What’s actually going on in your nervous system when this happens
🚩 How fantasy attachment blocks real connection and leads to burnout
🔥 My signature 4-step Anti-Obsession Method to stop spiraling and stay grounded
👑 How to stop abandoning yourself in dating and show up secure AF

PEACEFULLY ATTACHED
👉 Click here to apply for the next live round of Peacefully Attached, starting in the first week of July 2025, where you’ll ditch your anxiety-riddled dating patterns so you can become secure within yourself and attract healthy love.

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Transcript

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the Club. I'm so glad you're here because today's episode is going to speak directly to the part of you that spins a whole damn future in your head after one good date. You know what I'm talking about, right? You've just met someone new. Maybe the first date was fun. Maybe they were cute and polite and they didn't give you the ick immediately, and suddenly your brain is off to the races. You are fantasizing about your future wedding playlist. Imagining what your couple selfies will look like, stalking their Instagram and already overanalyzing their likes. You're reading between the lines of every text, like it's secret code. You're playing out future conversations, holidays. Babies, breakups, makeups all before the second date's even locked in. You are wondering what your families would think of each other. You are literally feeling your heart race when their name pops up on your screen. You are canceling plans because you might hear from them and mentally replaying everything that you said and analyzing. If you sounded cool enough, it's like your mind puts on a VR headset called Future with them, and you are living in it free 24 7. And let's be real. It's exhausting. If you've ever said, I know I don't really know this person yet, but I just can't stop thinking about them, or I can't stop spiraling. My friend, this episode is for you and in particular, one beautiful soul who did DM me requesting some advice on this topic because. She was currently experiencing this, and if you're listening, you know who you are. And today we're diving into what's actually happening when you go all in on your imagination after one date. Why your brain does this? Hint, it's not because you're crazy. And the practical, grounded, empowering method, I teach my clients to help you stop obsessing and start dating with calm, competence and clarity. It's called my Anti Obsession Method, and it's going to change the game for you. So let's make today punchy, powerful, and without further ado, let's dive in. So let's start with the big question. What's actually going on when this happens? When you meet someone and immediately start fantasizing about your entire life together? What you're doing is trying to create certainty. Your nervous system doesn't like the unknown. It wants a plan. It wants safety, and your imagination becomes a coping mechanism, a way to feel in control. Think about it. You are filling in the blanks of who this person might be. You're painting them in your favorite colors, you're projecting your desires onto a stranger. And building a future on what they could be instead of who they actually. Ah. And the problem with this is that you are falling in love with a fantasy, not necessarily a real person, and it's that fantasy that is keeping you from getting to know them. You are attaching not connecting. Remember, I've spoken about this in previous episodes, this idea of attaching to someone rather than connecting. And this pattern often shows up if you have an anxious attachment style or if you've experienced a lot of emotional instability in past relationships. Your brain's like, okay, let's lock this down real quick before they disappear. And so it creates a story that makes this person feel. Essential before you even know if they're emotionally available, compatible or aligned with your values. It's sort of like building a house on sand and then decorating the living room before you've even checked if the foundation is solid. I remember this feeling so well, and it's almost as if the unknown and the waiting to hear from them or the wait, the waiting to know how they feel about you is. Intolerable, right? It's so uncomfortable, and the result is that you hyper fixate on them. Ignore red flags. Feel emotionally attached. Way too soon. Lose yourself in the process. Get emotionally whiplashed by every text emoji or lack thereof. Spend hours overthinking and under reliving and end up devastated if things don't progress the way you imagined. And then. Just to twist the knife a little bit, you beat yourself up for spiraling. Sound familiar? I think so. And don't worry, I'm not saying any of this to shame you or to make you feel bad. Absolutely not, because you're not crazy, you're not broken. You're just wired full connection. You're a human being and unfortunately, if this is your pattern, it could just be that no one taught you how to feel safe. Without attaching too quickly. Yeah, you are craving closeness. You want love that feels secure and mutual and it's not something to be ashamed of, but obsessing over a fantasy isn't getting you there. Clearly it's not getting you there. And as I spoke about in actually last week's episode, this, this feeling of this need of I need to attach quickly. Is coming from the lack of predictability and consistency that you felt with your parents or caregivers as a child, right? Because if they were sometimes there for you when you were emotional or upset, but then other times they would get angry at you or shut you down if if they were stressed. That's fucking emotional whiplash. And as a child, we internalized that to think, oh my God, it must be me. I must be the problem. Because surely this authority figure who I am dependent on for survival, surely it's not their problem. Surely it's not their lack of emotional availability. No, it's gotta be me. And so when you're wired that way to feel unsafe without latching on or attaching or trying to control the relationship. You feel really unsafe and as an adult, your mind's way of trying to control it is by building a fantasy relationship in your mind because your mind can see something. If it can envision a relationship and see a future. It's almost like your. Brain's way of trying to soothe you in those in-between moments when you don't have full certainty of what's going on or you know, you're going through those first few weeks or months of the early stages of dating where you're not in an exclusive relationship, you're not at that stage yet where. Things are really, uh, very obviously, like it's obvious you're in a relationship and things are locked down. It's sort of, there's a lot of um, ifs and you know what's gonna happen because we can't control how other people feel about us. And, you know, all the fun stuff that comes with those early stages of dating. So. Your way of controlling it is like, okay, let me just obsess over this person. Let me imagine what our relationship will be like. And when you do this, you are making that person a main character in your life and in your mind before you even know if they are a good match for you. Before you know if you're compatible, do they want the same things as you? Do they value the same things? Uh, what's their communication style really like? How do they handle conflict? All of the crucial elements of a relationship that one must know and get clear on before committing and becoming exclusive and before that person really deserves a main character energy spot in your life. Yeah. And so because obsessing over them and the Fantas, the fantasizing and the spiraling is where you're stuck. Right? Now, I wanna share with you what I teach my clients. It's called the Anti Obsession Method. And it's a four step process to help you pull back from the fantasy to ground yourself in reality, and to show up from a secure place in dating. And here's how it works. So step number one. Is catch the obsession. Start by noticing when you are spiraling. Now this might look like, uh, over checking your phone. So if you notice yourself like really attached to your phone and you're just lifting it up and checking it like every two minutes to see if they've messaged you, maybe it's rereading messages. So you are constantly going back and you're rereading over the messages you've sent with them. You are analyzing them. You are wondering if you said the right thing or the wrong thing. Did you come across too intense where you laid back enough, right? You're just absolutely obsessing and analyzing. Or maybe you do catch yourself mentally planning the whole relationship in your head, right? Like really painting that vivid picture of what you think it's gonna look like and just getting, essentially getting lost in your thoughts all day. Now the moment you notice it, I want you to pause. You are gonna take a deep breath and say to yourself, this is me fantasizing. It's not reality. This is my mind getting ahead of itself. I'm now going to slow down and bring back my energy to myself. I'm gonna pull it all back in. Okay? Awareness is everything here. Because when you're aware, when you catch yourself, it's going to interrupt that automatic loop that you find yourself in that loop that just goes round and round and round. When you're obsessing, you're spiraling, you're attaching. We wanna notice the things that you do, or I want you to try and catch the things that you do that signal to yourself, you are starting to obsess over this person. Okay, and catch yourself and stop. Take that deep breath and remind yourself, this is me fantasizing. It's not reality. I don't actually know this person yet. I'm just hopeful about the connection. I'm gonna slow down and bring my energy back to me. So that's step number one. Step number two is I want you to decode your self-talk. Ask yourself. What am I making this mean about me? Okay. And when I say, what am I making this mean? That could be the, the silence, the distance, the uncertainty, right? The inevitable pauses or breaks between hearing from this person, what am I making this mean about me? There's a reason you're obsessing and fantasizing, and it's because there's a lot of discomfort you're experiencing in the uncertainty. So what are you making that uncertainty mean about you? Often the obsession is covering up a belief like, I'm not good enough unless someone wants me or. If this doesn't work out, I have failed. Or it could just be, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy. And it's these beliefs that create urgency. So when you recognize them, take your power back. This isn't about them, it's about what you're trying to prove to yourself. And when you have that awareness of like, oh. This is what I'm making this mean about me. Whoa. Okay. Is that the way that I wanna think about myself? Is that productive? Is that serving the secure version of myself? No. So with the awareness, you then get to choose how you wanna show up and how you wanna respond moving forward. So that's step number two, decoding the self-talk. Step number three. Is uncover hidden emotions beneath the spiral is usually an unmet emotional need. So maybe it's loneliness, maybe it's a fear of rejection. Maybe it's just boredom. Whatever it is, sit with it. Let yourself feel it without judging it. Yeah, just let those feelings rise because that's where the healing happens. This is the stuff that needs your attention, not the text thread, not all the messages you guys have sent back and forth. No, no, no. You and your emotions. You need to build safety in your physical body, and one way to do that is by to identify what is the emotion I'm trying to avoid. By obsessing over this person. So again, it could be loneliness, fear of rejection, boredom, whatever it is for you, identify it and just try sitting with it. Even if just for five minutes, just try it. The next one, step four, the final step is Soothe and Release. So now it's time to give yourself the love you've been trying to get from this other person. I want you to reconnect with your body. Move, breathe. Say what you wish they would say to yourself. Validate your worth. Journal it out. Call a friend. Go for a walk. Whatever it is, reclaim your emotional real estate. The goal here is regulation, not rejection of your feelings, but just redirecting your feelings. When you're anxiously attached, you are so used, excuse me, used to outsourcing your emotional wellbeing to other people. You're used to turning to others to help you feel better about your emotions, to feel happier, to soothe the pain or the discomfort that you are experiencing, but the way that you become a secure, grounded individual. Is by learning how to regulate your emotions for yourself to be the person that you can rely on. Okay? And when you do this consistently, something amazing happens. You stop putting people on pedestals. You stop fantasizing after one interaction, and you start making decisions from a place of truth. And reality of like, who is this person actually in front of you? Not urgency. Let's recap those steps. Step number one, catch the obsession. Notice the physical thing that you start to do that signifies you obsessing and spiraling over someone. So checking your phone every two minutes, rereading and analyzing messages, getting lost in your head, planning the relationship. Catch it. Come back to yourself. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, this is me fantasizing. It's not reality. Step number two, decode your self talk. So ask yourself, what am I making this mean about me? The discomfort you are feeling, what are you making it mean? Okay. And is it that you're not good enough, that you, you're a failure, whatever it is, just recognize it so that you can take your power back. Number three, uncover hidden emotions. What is the emotional need that is being unmet for you? Is it loneliness? Is it that you're not getting attention, you're not getting love? Are you bored? What is it? Allow yourself to notice it, to identify it, to sit with it. And then step four is soothe and Release. So this is where you are not. Trying to just bypass or reject what you're feeling. You are redirecting it. You are learning to soothe yourself. You're learning to breathe, to come back to your body, to give yourself the validation and the comfort that you are craving from this person, that you barely even, no, you don't need to be perfect. You just need to be present and present. Is where true intimacy occurs, firstly, with yourself and then with other people. Now, if you are listening to this thinking. Oh my fucking God, Mimi. This is literally me. After every first date, then it is time we change that my love. It is time to get you off the emotional rollercoaster. Let me introduce you to peacefully attached. This is my eight week live group program where you'll learn how to date with calm, clarity and confidence without spiraling or obsessing every time you meet someone new. I created peacefully attached because I know how painful toxic relationships are where you are told that you're too much, too needy, and that you'll never find someone who can give you everything you've asked for. I know how all consuming, anxious avoidant relationships are and how your career, your friendships, and your self-care suffer as a result. I know how confusing it is to see happy couples who look like they have it so easy and wonder what's wrong with me? Why can't I have that? And I know that the journey of healing your anxious attachment style isn't something you should have to do on your own. I certainly didn't, and that's why I'm here for you today, so that you can experience the emotional relief of understanding why your relationships have always been a struggle, and how to transform from anxious to secure 10 times faster than it took me. You are too brilliant to spend one more day doubting yourself, and my promise is that you will soon see yourself through new eyes and stop settling for less than you deserve in life and love when you follow the peacefully attached framework. Now this program is for you if you are tired of repeating the same unhealthy dating patterns when you ignore red flags and chase the high of. Intense chemistry only to be heartbroken when it doesn't work out. A few months in, it's for you if you're single and you wanna work on your relationship with yourself rather than avoiding it by jumping into a rebound relationship so that you don't have to be alone. It's for you if you're ready to face the fact that amongst all of your relationships, you are the common denominator and attracting emotionally available partners starts with you. It's for you if you want to feel confident and self-assured in who you are. You wanna raise your standards in dating and communicate your wants and needs without fear of abandonment. You wanna spot red flags and trust your intuition when it tells you something's not right, so that you can walk away from toxic relationships. Before getting emotionally involved and you want to enjoy your own company and create a fulfilling life that doesn't revolve around dating or needing external validation to feel happy without spending years trudging through childhood trauma. I. You will go from anxious and over invested to secure, grounded and magnetic. We'll go deep on your dating patterns, regulate your nervous system, heal the root beliefs that make you spiral and teach you how to show up like the high value woman you are before the relationship even starts. Now, inside the program, you'll follow my three phase framework. Number one is know your core. You will uncover the dating habits, keeping you stuck. Learn to trust your gut and stop second guessing yourself with the gut trust process. You'll identify your attachment style, and what needs to shift so you can stop recreating the same painful patterns. Next is heal and Harmonize. This is where you will rewire your beliefs about love, build unshakable self-worth, and learn to soothe your anxiety without needing anyone else to do it for you. We'll dive into nervous system regulation, emotional, self-soothing, and rewriting the story you've been carrying about your worth in relationships. And finally, we have thrive in love. You will set powerful standards, express your needs with confidence, and navigate the dating world like a secure, radiant queen. This is where you become a match for your ideal relationship, the one that you desire, not through tons and tons of effort. But through embodiment inside the program, you'll get seven modules drip fed weekly over seven weeks with a variety of meditations, home play tasks, and worksheets each week. To support the integration of each topic, you'll get eight weekly live group q and a calls with time for you to receive one-on-one support from me, plus bounce off others in the group and get answers to questions you didn't realize you needed. You'll have access to the private group chat for one-on-one support between calls where you can ask questions, share your experiences, and connect with like-minded women who will cheer you on every step of the way. A safe space with an expert coach, AKA Me, where you'll be fully seen, heard, and held in your vulnerability. In a powerful and confidential group, you have lifetime access to the content and materials. This program is live. It's intimate and it's for the woman who's done with being at the mercy of her emotions. You will have community, you will have accountability, and you'll have me in your corner every step of the way. If this is speaking to you, the link to apply is in the show notes, limited to. Eight spots available for maximum attention and coaching from me, and we're currently in early bird saving you hundreds, so make sure you get in quick. If this episode and past episodes are really just speaking to your soul, then I know you're going to thrive in peacefully attached. So hit that link in the show notes, get your application in, and I will be in touch with you very soon. All right, my friends. You have a beautiful week and I will talk to you very soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.