The Secure Love Club Podcast

Ep #21: Are Your Dating Decisions Rooted in Scarcity or Abundance?

• Mimi Watt

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If your dating life feels like a never-ending loop of ghosting, confusion, and anxiety… you need this episode. In this episode of The Secure Love Club Podcast, I’m breaking down the subtle, yet game-changing, difference between dating from scarcity vs. abundance. This conversation was sparked by a real-life moment from a 1:1 client session that I knew I had to share with you. If you’re sick of overthinking every text, afraid to speak your truth, or constantly worried you’re “too much”… then my love, this one is a must-listen.

We dive into:
• What it really means to date from scarcity vs. abundance (and how to spot which one is running the show)
• How to shift from people-pleasing to radical self-respect in your dating life
• Why clarity and directness don’t scare off the right person - they magnetise them
• A real-time reframe that helped my client go from anxious to empowered (and got her the exact clarity she needed)
• Why filling your own tank is the foundation for healthy love, and how to actually do that

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the Club. How are you doing today? I hope you're doing well. Whether it's the beginning of your day and you're on your morning trot, or it's the end of your day, I just wanna check in and say, how you doing? I'm doing really well. I, first of all, before we dive into today's episode, I wanted to say. Thank you because I have just seen some beautiful reviews that some of you have left on the podcast and to read your words of how this podcast is positively impacting you and helping you to feel seen and just understood in this crazy world of dating and relationships honestly means so much to me and it really. Spurs me on to wanna just keep creating more and more episodes for you and bring you the value whether it's a review or if it's one of those five star ratings that I've seen. Thank you, and if you haven't yet done that, it would mean so much to me. If at some point you could subscribe to the pod if you haven't already, and go down and leave a quick review and a rating and just share with me what this means to you, how the podcast has helped you, because the more that you guys all rally together with me to promote this podcast. The more people we can get on board, the more people we can get into the club, into the Secure Love Club, and we can all continue healing, growing, and becoming the best version of ourselves together. So if you can take one minute of your day today to give back to me in that way, it would mean so much. So thank you. Now today's episode is coming to you off the back of a conversation that I had with one of my one-on-one clients last week, and this was one of those moments where it really just struck a chord with actually myself and my client around Are your decisions in dating rooted in abundance or scarcity? What is the energy. Behind your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, and therefore the results that you are getting in your dating life and in your relationships. And when you are able to stop and get conscious to what is the actual driving force and the energy behind all of this. It's going to be incredibly insightful for you as to why your patterns keep repeating. We're gonna discuss this and how to identify it, and then I'm also going to chat to you about how you can begin to change this. So if your decisions in dating are rooted in scarcity, you're probably not getting the results you want. You're not having the experiences that you want, you're not dating the people that you want to be dating. We are gonna look at how you can begin to shift so that your decisions are being rooted in abundance, therefore drastically changing the types of results you are getting in dating and relationships, not only with other people, but with yourself. So. If you are on the journey of shifting the game, shifting the game, changing the game in your dating and relationship life, then this episode is going to smack you in the phase in the best way possible. And I am also implementing all of this advice again, as always, because you, as you may or may not have seen, if you're following my Instagram stories. I have recently started getting back out there in dating and it's very exciting. It's feeling good. The timing is feeling right. So as usual, everything that I'm bringing to you is coming from personal experience as well. Alright, my friends, let's dive in. In our recent one-on-one coaching session, my client came to me with a bit of a predicament. She is out there actively dating at the moment and she said, okay, there's two guys I am seeing. It's both very new. One of them I feel like I really like, and the other one I sort of like, okay. The guy that she really like, she'd been on, I think two dates with, and the guy that she sort of liked, she'd been on one date with basically, she wasn't sure how she should navigate these situations because she had a history, even a recent history of constantly being ghosted by people and people just shutting down the connection. You know, once she'd gotten to that point where she felt emotionally attached and she was really into these people and she said, I don't know why. This keeps happening. I'm trying not to be negative. I'm trying not to victimize myself and say like, I'm the problem. But seriously, Mimi, I feel like I'm the problem. Why does this keep happening? And I love this self-awareness my clients bring and the willingness to take full ownership and accountability because that's where transformation happens. And I said, all right, let's really look at this because if this does keep happening, there is a reason. There is something under the surface that is driving this end result. With the guy that she sort of liked. I. They'd been on a date. They both agreed that they wanted to see each other again. And she's a very busy gal. Like she's got a full social life, a great job, very cool. But because she has such a busy calendar. She was like, I really wanna see this guy again, but I genuinely only have one time slot on Saturday afternoon. So she reached out, sent him a message and said Hey, we'd love to see you again. The only time I have available is Saturday afternoon this week because I have four friends' birthdays. It's just like a hectic week. I don't want you to feel like I am fitting you in. But sort of am and so anyway, she was, you know, upfront, she acknowledged that it might feel a bit like, mm, you're trying to fit me in last minute, but genuinely wanted to see him again. And I said, great. That's just being honest, upfront and direct. Then his reply was something along the lines of, well, yeah, I don't want to feel like I'm being fit in, so, you know, like, let me know when you're free or something. A bit, a little bit pass ag, a little bit passive aggressive. And she felt bad, obviously, but I said, you know what? You didn't do anything wrong here, like you were very upfront. Okay. And the way he responded is, I mean, sort of valid. I can understand why he might feel a little bit off about it, but at the same time, a little bit immature, not asking another question or initiating another catch up. Just sort of saying, well, yeah, I don't wanna be fit in. So. She said for this situation, seeing as he didn't ask or initiate a time to see each other, if I ask again or if I say something again, if I'm the one to initiate, isn't that gonna look a little bit desperate? Isn't that gonna be a bit too keen? I said, whose point of view are you looking at this situation from? Is it your own? Or are you internalizing what you think he might think about you reaching out and then projecting that onto the situation? And she said, uh, yeah, probably what he would think. And I said, you don't even know this person. Yeah, you've been on one nice date, but you don't even really know him. So why are you giving so much power to him? To determine your character, to determine if you are someone who's desperate, quote unquote, or not desperate, why are you giving him so much power over your emotional state? And she was sort of stumped, and she said, oh, well, huh. Why am I doing that right? And when we look at this in context, if we zoom out, it makes sense that she was feeling that way. It makes sense that that was her natural reaction because if you have an anxious attachment style, you are hypervigilant about how you're being perceived by the person you are interested in because you're so afraid to do anything that will damage that connection. That you just try to be quote unquote perfect all the time. You're trying not to be too much. You're trying not to seem too interested or too desperate, all this bullshit that we do when we are anxiously attached in relationships, that is not your fault, but it is a result of past conditioning. So I said, let's reframe this instead of asking yourself or asking me, does that sound desperate? I want you to ask yourself. In this situation, what feels like self respect? What would I want to do that feels true to me, but is also maintaining self respect. And when she asks herself that question, her energy shifted. Her perspective shifted. From this energy, she said to him, totally understand how you feel. That's valid. Look, I would love to see you again. So if you'd like to see me again too, let me know what your schedule looks like and let's find a time that works for both of us. Boom. That is mature. Secure, and to the point. That kind of energy there says, I'm emotionally mature. I understand where you're coming from. That makes sense. Here's how I feel. Here's what I want. You let me know if you want the same thing done. So she is taking the appropriate action. She's not acting passive aggressive, not going quiet, stewing over it and waiting for him to reach out to her. She puts it out there and then he can do what he will with that message when you are direct like that. You are either going to magnetize the right people or repel the wrong people. Because if someone is not emotionally mature, they will see that message and have a bad reaction to it just like he did. And sometimes that can mean they might come back at you and say something else, passive aggressive or like, oh, whoa, okay. Or they just don't say anything at all and they exit the conversation and they leave. In this case, that's what he did. And so even though that connection is over, what happened here is she got clarity way sooner than in the past when she would have maybe played into this bullshit, let him string her along for weeks, jerk her around, you know, which, that's what causes the anxiety. And the tension, but instead she just stepped up, took control, took ownership, was direct, open, honest, and she got her feedback. Her feedback being that he clearly isn't vibing that, so he's gone. I said, great, because if the wrong person exits the conversation, that creates space for more of the right people to come into a conversation with you to come into your world. So that was the first incident. Shifting from a place of scarcity, does this sound desperate to abundance? What feels like self-respect? Let's shift over to the second instance. The second guy that she really liked, so they'd been on a couple of dates and she told me that on the second date, they did open up a bit of a conversation about relationships, about, when was your last relationship, how long have you been dating for this, that, and the other. She said he was in a long-term relationship for about five years, but he's been out of that relationship for some time now, and we kind of spoke about like we're enjoying dating, you know, just seeing where it goes. But I am really scared that I'm going to get overly attached and then I'll get let down or disappointed because I'll find out he doesn't want the same thing. And I said, okay. What do you want? Are you clear on that for yourself? Are you wanting to date casually and just have fun? Or are you wanting to date with the intention of building a connection and getting into a relationship, what feels most true for you? And she said it's the latter. I think I would like to date with the intention of getting into a relationship, but I'm not in a rush. I'm happy to date around for a while, but yes, that is the underlying intention. And I said, okay. Did you tell him that? She said, no. So I said, what's the pattern that's been playing out in your dating life? And she said, I haven't been voicing this to people. And when IS asked her why, she said something along the lines of, well, I, I don't want'em to feel like I'm smothering them, or, I don't want him to feel like I'm saying that I want him to be my boyfriend right away. In other words, her energy that was driving her decisions was rooted in scarcity. It was in fear. If I say the wrong thing, if I speak my truth and actually own where I'm at and what I want, I'm gonna scare him away. So. Instead of saying it, I'm gonna be quiet and play the, quote unquote cool girl and just hope that the connection works out. Because she was acting from a place of scarcity, she kept creating results that were. That were scarce people, ghosting people letting her down. People just who would stop replying, who would just fall off the face of the earth. And I said, that's because you are not taking ownership of what you really want, and you're not standing in that truth and embodying that version of yourself. Who knows what she wants, who claims it, who puts it out there? That's what's gonna magnetize the right people. So I said, in this situation with this guy you really like, what would the most secure, confident, empowered, badass bitch version of yourself do in this situation? How would she handle it? Would she shy away from speaking her truth? She said, no. Is she afraid of scaring off the wrong person by speaking her truth? No. Does she have self-respect? Yes. Does she use her voice to communicate? Yes. Does she value her time and energy and not want to waste it with people who aren't on the same page? Yes. Great. What would that version of you do in this situation to help set yourself up for success and help prevent disappointment as much as she can? She said she would be honest about how she feels. She would go back, have another conversation and let him know what she really wants, where her intentions lie. Okay. And again, the question came up, I'm afraid of sounding desperate. Is that not gonna sound desperate? Because we already had a conversation sort of about this on the second date. So if I bring it up again now or on the third date, isn't that gonna seem too much? Is he gonna think it's intense? And I told her for the right person, someone who is secure and emotionally available and wants the same things, definitely not. Someone who is that way loves this type of conversation. They wanna know where your head's at. They wanna know how you feel, what you are looking for. They like clarity and directness. It's attractive. And I shared a little story with her, a personal story about when I started dating my ex, who, my secure ex. We had a beautiful, secure relationship. I was at the point in my journey where I knew that I wanted to date for a relationship. I was emotionally available and open. I had space and time and energy in my life for a relationship, and I had. Declared that for myself and I'd set that intention. So that's where I was at. Now when I met my ex, and this was quite early on into our dating experience, so it we'd been on maybe a couple of dates and he said to me very directly, he said, Hey, I just wanna let you know that I've deleted Hinge. I'm not interested in talking to anyone else. I've been on Hinge. I've been dating for a while now, and I know that you are the kind of person I wanna date, so that's where I'm at. No pressure. If you wanna keep dating other people for a while and see what's out there, absolutely fine, but I'm just letting you know where I'm at If I was not ready for a relationship, that would've scared me off. I would've then said, oh, you know what? Let's just put a break on this because I don't think we're on the same page. I wanna keep dating other people. I, I'm not looking to get into a relationship. And we would've saved each other a lot of time and heartache. But because I was emotionally available and I really liked this guy and he ticked so many boxes, there were so many green flags and I could really see a relationship developing. It didn't scare me off. Yes, maybe for a moment it was a bit intense and I felt a little bit of pressure, but that pressure was coming from me because he was just letting me know where he was at and was placing no pressure or timeline on me to figure it out or come to a decision. Because he was direct, I was like, great. You know what? After a short amount of time, I realized I'm on the same page and I really am very interested in this guy and I just wanna keep dating him and see where this goes. Things were clear, things were flowing in the right direction, and we ended up getting into a beautiful relationship. We were together for over a year and. That relationship completely changed my life. It completely changed who I am as a person and the way I view love and relationships. But had he not, and I not been direct and upfront, maybe we would never have experienced that relationship. Maybe he would have repeated his pattern of falling for emotionally unavailable women, and I could have slipped into. Being attracted to someone who is emotionally unavailable if I didn't have him stepping up and showing me what was possible. when I shared that with my client, she could really see sometimes, you know, sometimes we need to see an example outside of ourselves to, to really feel confident of how it's gonna work. And so she said, you're right. I'm gonna have the conversation with him and. Like the legend she is, and like my clients are, they take action, they don't just, we don't just talk about what we're gonna do. They take action and that's why they get results. She sent me a message over the weekend and she said, and I quote, Hey Mimi, thanks for yesterday. I just saw. Insert name, the guy I like and had the chat about wanting to be intentional about dating rather than just having casual fun and it went really well. He said immediately he's looking for the same thing and he wouldn't have invited me to the orchestra if that hadn't been the case, but also appreciated that I brought it up and now we know we're on the same page, feeling good about it and gonna see him again next week. And then she said with the other guy. I also sent the message to the other guy yesterday and he hasn't replied, so I guess that shows his intentions. So there you go. Now they know they're on the same page, and he said he really appreciated that she brought it up because yeah, people who are secure and emotionally available do appreciate open, honest communication with an anxious attachment. You are used to acting from scarcity because. You often got less than you needed as a child. This is generally speaking, but as we know, typically when you have an anxious attachment style you didn't receive, or you got less than you needed as a child. When it comes to emotional presence, predictability, consistency, certainty, having your emotions and feelings, being validated and getting the right. Love and support that you needed to develop into a secure individual. When it comes to relationships when you have less than you need, you are on. High alert and a metaphor I wanna give you to help understand this even more is think about this like when you're driving along a highway and you look down at your petrol gauge and you see that the petrol light is on and it's about to run out, you don't know when the next petrol station is. It's, it's not for like another hour or something. You're on a big highway. Now, if that's the case, you are gonna be on edge. You're gonna be freaking out, you're gonna be watching that petrol gauge like a hawk. You're not gonna be able to concentrate on anything else because you're so afraid that it's gonna run out and that you'll break down and be stranded, versus you're driving along the same highway and you have a full tank of petrol. When that's the case, you are chilling. You are relaxed, you are at ease. You are focused on other things. You're enjoying the music you've got the view that you're looking at outside the windows. The wind is blowing through your hair. The sun is shining on your skin. You are daydreaming, you are visioning, you are thinking, you are just in flow. You're enjoying yourself because you're present. That is the difference, those two energies when you're dating from scarcity versus abundance, having a sense of abundance in dating doesn't come from having 50 people lined up waiting to date you. It comes from knowing that if this person you are interested in leaves. And walks out of your life because for whatever reason, because the connection didn't work, that you will be absolutely fine. It comes from knowing that you've got you, that you are fine living your life before you met this person. You'll be fine after they're not in your life anymore. If you are always waiting for other people to be the ones who fill up your tank, you are constantly gonna be on edge because that's outside of your control. You can't control other people, and that has been your experience up until this point. If you're still in the throes of your anxious attachment in all of your relationships, you have been trying to say the right thing. Trying to look the right way. Trying not to be too much, all in an attempt to get that person to like you, to choose you to stay, and deep down to prove that you are enough to prove that you are worthy, and it is exhausting. It's exhausting. And I can say that because I have been there. I have been there so many times, and because I have so many of you reaching out to me, telling me the exact same thing, we cannot control other people. And so if that's the game you're playing. It is a dangerous one, that tank is gonna be on empty for a long time. Maybe it'll bump up a little bit, but then it'll go right back down when that toxic emotionally unavailable person leaves your life, But if you are the one who fills your own tank, that is within your control. That is when you feel at ease, when you feel powerful, when your tank is full, you are at peace and happy within yourself and within your life. And dating gets to be a beautiful addition to your experience, not the actual thing that fills up the tank. Having a full tank in your life comes from being someone with high self-respect, high self-worth, from knowing your value, from knowing what you bring to the table, and creating a life for yourself that is rich in relationships that are outside of romance, with friendships that align with the type of person that you wanna be and the direction you want to go in in your life. With hobbies and things that bring you pleasure, just for the sake of it, for having a deeply rooted connection with yourself that you value over all else. Being the person who dates from a place of abundance comes from having a deep understanding of your attachment style. So that you can identify and break the patterns of behavior that have kept you stuck in anxious relationships. It comes from being able to trust and believe your gut so that you can walk away. When you know someone isn't right for you, it comes from no longer feeling like you need a relationship to feel whole. But instead choosing yourself so that you can raise your standards and have a deep sense of inner security. It comes from being less reactive and responding to triggers from a secure place rather than letting anxiety take over and sabotage your relationships. It comes from mastering the art of clear communication and boundary setting. Skills that will empower you to express your needs confidently knowing what to say, how to say it, and believing that your needs are worthy of being met. It comes from knowing your relationship, vision, the ideal type of relationship that you one day hope to be in, and then embodying that to become the person who is naturally. An ideal match for the type of person that you want to be with. It comes from knowing how to successfully navigate dating whilst maintaining your integrity and staying true to your values. And it comes from having the right support around you to hold you accountable to your higher self and to support you when you have those little wobbly moments. When you have the moments where you are still bridging the gap between who you are now and who you want to be. You're bridging the gap between the version of you rooted in scarcity to the version of you rooted in abundance, and there's nothing wrong with that. Having those moments of uncertainty or indecision not knowing which way to turn, because we all experienced that on our healing journey. I know. I sure did. I invested in mentors, coaches, and support to help me on my healing journey because I knew I can either try and do this by myself, which I've already been trying to do for years and not really getting anywhere. Or I can invest in an expert and someone who I know is going to help me get where I want to be, become who I wanna be 10 times faster than if I were doing it on my own. Now if you are nodding your head saying, oh my God, yes, this is exactly what I need, then let me remind you that this is exactly the step-by-step framework and blueprint that we cover in peacefully attached. My eight week group program where you will learn how to date with calm, clarity and confidence, and be the version of you that is rooted in abundance with high self-respect, high self-worth, and not afraid to claim and call in the type of relationship that you are craving and that you deserve. Inside, peacefully attached, you will follow my three phase framework. Phase number one is know your core. This is where you will uncover the dating habits, keeping you stuck. You'll learn how to trust your gut and stop second guessing yourself. With my signature Gut Trust process, you'll identify your attachment style. And what needs to shift so you can stop recreating the same painful patterns. Phase two is heal and harmonize. This is where you are going to rewire your beliefs about love, build unshakeable self-worth, and learn to soothe your anxiety without needing anyone else to do it for you. We are gonna dive into nervous system regulation, emotional, self-soothing, and rewriting the story that you've been carrying about your worth in relationships. And phase three is thrive in love. You will set powerful standards, express your needs with confidence and navigate the dating world like the secure, radiant woman that you are. This is where you will become a match for the relationship you desire, not through effort, through embodiment, through becoming naturally magnetic to the type of person that you wanna date. The work inside this program is exactly what I went through and still go back to in my current dating life, to ensure that I'm staying on track, to feeling calm, to feeling in control, to being that secure version of myself. I still go back to the stuff that I teach you inside peacefully attached. It has changed my life without a doubt, and it's changed my clients' lives who have gone through the program. Now, not only do you get the tools and the knowledge that you need to implement, you get lifetime access, but you aren't doing this alone. This is a really intimate container with very limited spots because I want you to have maximum attention and support from me. This is a group space, but you still get my one-on-one coaching and support so that we can ensure we're applying the tools and the knowledge in the program to your unique situation to make sure you're getting the most out of it and making progress week by week. You are gonna be supported by incredible women who are on the same page as you, who are gonna share your experience and cheer you on every step of the way. We are gonna be connecting every week on live calls. Plus in a private group chat in between the calls, so you are never left without support. the next round of peacefully attached is kicking off very soon in the first week of July, 2025. So if you're listening to this and you're like, I need this, and there are still spots available. Then hit the button below in the description box to submit your application, and I'll be in touch with you within 24 hours to discuss next steps. Don't let another six months pass you by repeating the same patterns, feeling riddled with anxiety. It doesn't have to be this way. Dating gets to be calm. It gets to be grounded. It gets to be fun. So if this is calling to you, if I'm speaking directly to you, and you are ready to stop dating from scarcity and start dating from abundance. Then hit that link below and submit your application to join peacefully attached today. If you're listening to this and it's past July, 2025, there are still gonna be rounds of peacefully attached running. So if you are interested and it is at a later date, send me a DM on Instagram and we can chat about when the next intake will be enrolling. All right, my friends, stay grounded, stay curious, and stop building futures with people you barely know. You've got this. Have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.