The Secure Love Club Podcast

Ep #25: The Questions Keeping You Anxious in Dating, and What to Ask Instead!

• Mimi Watt

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Today’s episode is for the over-thinkers, the self-doubters, and the “was it something I did?” spirallers. If you’ve ever felt triggered after a date and immediately asked “What did I do wrong?” Caught yourself on a mental hamster wheel wondering if you’re too much, not enough, or just cursed in love… Or tried to dissect someone’s texting patterns like it’s a code to crack…this episode is your wake-up call.

We’re talking:

- Why the questions you ask yourself are the key to your confidence
- The difference between a spiral-inducing question vs a self-led one
- How to reflect after a date without abandoning yourself
- What “asking better questions” actually sounds like in real life
- The identity shift that happens when you stop asking “Why didn’t they want me?” and start asking “Did I even feel chosen?”

I’m giving you practical tools to redirect your inner world in the moment, so you can stop replaying old patterns and start living into the version of you who feels secure, grounded, and clear as hell in love. This episode will shift the way you think, reflect, and date.

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram - I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) over on Instagram here!

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. I am so glad you are here. Today. We're talking about something that might seem simple on the surface, but it is literally life changing. When you start applying it, we are talking about the power of asking yourself better questions. And now before you roll your eyes and you're like, Mimi, how much of a difference can a question really make? I want you to think about this. Every question you ask yourself is a doorway into a specific emotional state, a specific thought pattern, and a specific story you begin to live into. And most of us, especially when it comes to dating, a walking around, asking ourselves questions that make us feel small, insecure, rejected, or broken questions like, oh, why didn't they text me back? What did I do wrong? Why do I keep ending up in the same situation? Am I too much? Will I ever be enough for someone to choose me? Sound familiar? These questions don't guide you anywhere useful. They guide you deeper into spirals and keep you anxiously attached to people who were never even aligned with you in the first place. Let's be honest. They feed the old story that you are the problem. And they keep you chasing love from a place of fear instead of rootedness. Now, one mantra I live by is the quality of your life is determined by the quality of the questions you ask. Your brain is always looking for answers, so when you feed it low quality, self-critical questions, you get low quality, self-critical answers. You stay stuck in the same cycles, and it's not because you are not smart or capable of or worthy. No. It's just because you are asking the wrong damn question. So in this episode, I wanna show you how to flip the script. I wanna walk you through how to start asking yourself questions that make you feel empowered, clear and grounded in your worth. Whether you are dating single or in the middle of navigating your own healing journey. Okay, we are gonna talk about why most of your anxiety starts with the wrong internal question, How to shift from spiraling and self-doubt to reflecting with self-leadership and how to use better questions to change the story you're telling yourself so you can live into the version of you who feels secure in love and confident in who she is. All right, let's dive in. Okay, let's get into it. Let's talk about why the questions you ask yourself actually matter. So damn much the thoughts you are thinking AKA, the stories you're telling yourself. Don't just float around in your head doing nothing. They create your emotional state. And they shape your self perception, AKA, the way you see yourself, and over time, they become your identity. 99% of the time when you are spiraling and dating, it's not because of what just happened, it's because of the question you asked yourself about what happened. Okay? Stay with me here. Let's say someone pulls away after a great. Uh, a great date or a few great dates. You don't hear from them for a couple of days, and then boom, your brain kicks into an anxious overdrive. Instead of asking something like, Hmm, is this person actually meeting my needs? You ask, what did I do wrong? Did I say too much? Maybe I should have played it cooler. Notice the energy of those questions, they immediately place the blame on you. They center your worth around the other person's response or around the, the response to the question, and they reinforce that old, sneaky belief of, I must not be good enough. Your brain is designed to answer whatever question you give it. It doesn't stop to ask if that question is helpful. It just starts searching for evidence to back it up. So if you ask. Why am I so hard to love? Guess what your brain's gonna do? It's gonna pull up an entire highlight reel of moments that make you feel unlovable, and then that is a story you continue to live into. You show up on the next date, a little more guarded, a little more unsure of yourself. And if we're honest, a little more desperation. A desperate sorry for validation. And that is the trap right there. So when I say ask yourself better questions, what I really mean is choose a better story to live into. Because this is within your control and the quality of your questions determines the quality of your mindset and your mindset determines how you experience dating. This is how we shift from anxious to secure, not by trying harder to fix yourself. But by simply redirecting our focus toward truth, curiosity, and self-leadership, and get honest with yourself for a second. Have you been doing that? Have you been focusing your questions and thinking about truth, curiosity, and self-leadership? I'm gonna say likely not, but that's why you are here. You are in the right place to learn how to do this better questions equal a better story. That equals better energy and that equals better decisions. Alright, now that you know why this matters, let's talk about what makes a question better, because not every question is created equal, and there's a really simple way to know if the question you are asking is helping you move forward or keeping you stuck. Let's start with the most important point. A better question is one that's rooted in curiosity. Not criticism. It brings you back to yourself, not deeper into someone else's behavior, okay? It moves you forward instead of staying in a pit of rumination. So let me give you some examples so you can really feel the difference. An old question might be, why didn't they choose me? A better question is. Did I even feel chosen when I was with them? See the shift? That first question puts all the power in their hands. The second one brings it right back to your experience. It gives you agency. Here's another one old question. What's wrong with me? Better question. What part of me is asking to be loved right now? That old question is shame-based. It assumes that there is something wrong. Okay. Saying What's wrong with me? It's assuming there's something wrong. The better question, what part of me is asking to be loved right now is loving, curious, and connected. It invites you to tend to your inner world instead of attacking it. Okay. We've gotta stop attacking ourselves. And I know our, my anxiously attached friends love to do that. You love to think that you are the problem, but we need to start tending to ourselves instead of attacking. Okay, and one more because this comes up all the time. The old question, how can I make them like me? Better question, what version of me do I love being when I'm around them? That is the fucking flex right there. Not twisting yourself into a version that earns love, a version who you think you need to be in order to be attractive or lovable to them, but showing up as the version of you who already is love the version who feels grounded, relaxed, silly, vibrant, whatever that is for you. You step into secure energy when you stop asking how to be chosen. And start asking what you choose. Start deciding for yourself what feels good for you. So next time you catch yourself in a spiral, I want you to pause and ask, is this question helping me feel more connected to myself or less? Is this question moving me forward or keeping me stuck in the past? And is this question based in self-trust or fear? Those three check-ins are game changers because your inner world responds to the invitation you give it, and when you start inviting in gentler, wiser, more loving questions, your nervous system begins to feel safer. Your dating experience becomes less chaotic. And the decisions you make come from clarity, not desperation. Okay. Now that you know how to spot a better question, let's explore what this actually looks like in action in IRL. Because whether you are, uh, dating right now, or you're single or you are fresh off a situationship, there are specific moments where these questions can be your secret weapon. Let's break this down into two parts. So the first is when you're actively dating. The second is when you're single or reflecting on past patterns. So part one, when you're actively dating, this is where better questions can literally save your ass from spiraling because. Let's be honest, the early, early stages of dating are vulnerable as hell, especially if you've ever dealt with anxious attachment, which, if you're here listening, it's likely that you have, you are in this space of figuring out if someone is right for you. Whilst your nervous system is low key freaking out, wondering if you are right for them, it's fuck. It's a head fuck to say the least. So let's say you just went on a date and you're starting to feel a little unsettled. Okay, you had fun, but now you haven't heard from them. So you're starting to check your phone a bit too often you're wondering, oh my God, did I say too much? Are they still interested? Should I reach out first or should I wait? Here's what most people do. They ask questions like that, so they say, okay, do they like me? Oh my God, what have I ruined it? You know what I'm talking about? You know when you go to your friend or your sister and you are like. Spiraling hardcore, and you're asking all these questions of, oh my God, did I come off too strong? Like, should I have said that? Was that too much? And just, you know, all of these panic questions, these panic questions come from the fear of losing someone that. You don't even know is good for you yet, okay? You had one great date. You don't know if this person is truly compatible with you or a genuinely healthy match for you. We can't possibly know that yet. So here's how you shift. Ask yourself, did I feel relaxed, safe, and myself around them? Hmm. Did I feel seen and emotionally nourished? Or was I performing a little? What kind of energy did I walk away with? Was I feeling clear or was I spinning in confusion? Those questions are rooted in self connection. They're gonna help you stay in your lane, my friends, they keep the power with you, not in whatever the other person is doing. Better questions help you date with a clear head and a sense of calmness. Okay, let's dive into part two. So when you're single or reflecting on past patterns, now this is just as important because how you reflect on the past determines what you carry into your future. If we never take time to reflect on our past relationship, how we showed up in that, the kind of person we attracted. How are you gonna know to look out for anything different moving forward? So this is very important. Let's say a situationship ended and you're still feeling stuck. Okay? You're replaying every moment. You're wondering what you could have done differently. You're beating yourself up for wasting time or ignoring the signs, or, you know, entertaining that person for longer than you should have. And again, your default questions might sound like. Why did I let that happen again? Why can't I get over them? What's wrong with me for still caring? Am I ever gonna get over them? Okay, first of all, breathe my love. Let's soften that. Try asking yourself questions like, what unmet need was I trying to fill by holding onto them? What part of me felt safer in the potential rather than the reality?'cause when we look at these situation ships clearly, or relationships, we'll often see that the potential and the relationship we are replaying or recreating in our mind is far better than what the reality was. So what part of me felt safer in the potential rather than the reality? And what did this connection teach me about my values and my boundaries? Okay, so that's the self-growth piece there, my friend. That is the important part. What did it teach me about my values and my boundaries? What do I value that was not being met in that relationship? What boundaries am I gonna set in the future that are gonna better protect my energy and create a healthier relationship? These questions don't shame you. They teach you. They help you heal without dragging yourself through the mud and you know healing. It's not about never feeling triggered. It's about knowing how to respond to your triggers with love and kindness and self-leadership. Okay. When you start asking yourself better questions, you are going to build the muscle of reflection instead of rumination. And you know that when you ruminate and you are just going round and round and round your head, it doesn't feel good at all. Like you can't focus on the rest of your life and what you need to get done in the day. It's just a pit of despair. So reflection over rumination, always. Now here's a truth that changed everything for me. You become. What you ask, so that land for a second, the questions you ask yourself, and therefore the answers you get from those questions are shaping your identity every single day. If you constantly ask, why am I too much? Why do people always leave? Why can't I get it right in love? Then don't be surprised when you start identifying as the woman or person who is hard to love, easy to leave, and always messing it up. I, I know that come, that might sound brutal, but I say this with love and you know, I have your best intentions at heart, so you need to hear this and I know you can handle it. The truth is that your story. Or the story that you live into is coming from the questions that you keep reinforcing. Yeah. When you shift into questions like, what makes me feel most connected to my power today? Or How can I honor my truth in this moment? What version of me do I want to meet in this next season of love? That's when things start to move. That is when your energy changes. Your mind wants to solve whatever question you give it. So give it questions that make you feel more like yourself, not less questions that inspire you, questions that give you answers about yourself that are going to boost your self-esteem and your confidence because that's how you become secure. It's not by memorizing every red flag and carrying a checklist with you to your dates or trying to be quote unquote perfect. No, it's by choosing to become the woman who thinks, feels, and shows up like the secure partner she's looking for, because you will attract what you are. That version of you is asking herself questions like, is this aligned with my values? Do I feel safe, seen and respected here? And if not, what would self-honoring look like right now? That is the vibe. Okay, I wanna leave you with a few practical things that you can start doing today to make this real in your life. So number one is I want you to create a better questions list. Pick three to five empowering questions that speak to your values, your worth, and your vision, and keep them somewhere you will see daily. So whether you do this on the Notes app in your phone. Or you write these down on a sticky note, put it on your mirror, put it in your room somewhere next to your bed. These questions are your anchors. Use them when you feel off center, and you can do this for your dating and relationship life, your work life, right? Maybe you are trying to start a business and you are terrified, and instead of asking yourself stuff like, why is this so hard? Why is it easy for everyone else? Ah, no, you've gotta ask yourself better questions like, what is one positive action oriented step I can take forward in the right direction today? Boom. See the difference That makes. Okay, so, uh, examples of, let's say it's, um, questions around dating. Some questions you could ask, what would the secure version of me choose right now? What is this feeling trying to show me? What do I need to feel emotionally nourished today? Beautiful. Okay. The next thing you're gonna do is check in after dates. So literally pause. I want you to, when you get home, I want you to literally pause and ask yourself, how did I feel in their presence? Did I feel more like me or less like me? Am I chasing connection or am I building it together with them? That alone can shift you from fantasy back into clarity and reality. Real quick, number three is use better questions to reframe spirals so the next time you catch yourself in an anxious loop, we're not gonna judge it. I just want you to redirect it. So ask. What question am I actually answering right now? Okay, so this is where we want to bring awareness. We wanna bring our conscious mind online and sort of look under the hood, so to speak. You're shining a light and you're saying, what question am I answering right now? Where's my energy being directed? So just check in and then choose one that's rooted in truth and self-love. Choose one that's going to give you an answer that will help you to feel better about yourself. All right, my love. If there's one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it's this. When you start asking better questions, you'll start getting better answers. You'll make better choices. You'll feel more grounded and more secure in yourself in love and relationships and in life in general. And one final question to ask yourself is. How can I support Mimi and the Secure Love Club podcast? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. Let me tell you the answer. Number one, you can take a screenshot of this episode, share it on your stories, and tag me with a takeaway from the episode. Maybe one better question you're committing to asking yourself this week. I love to see it. And for bonus points, if you're loving this pod, I. You can rate it five stars and leave a review so we can spread the word to more people who need to hear it. It would truly mean the world to me. If you could please take one minute out of your day and go down, leave a five star rating and leave a review, just sharing a sentence or two about why you love this podcast and what keeps you coming back for more. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your continued support. Oh, and. I can't believe I forgot to to say this on the podcast, we hit 10,000 downloads. Ah, what an achievement. I'm so proud of this community and this space and this podcast, and honestly, from this being an idea and a dream I've had in my mind for so long now, for years and years to see that we've hit 10,000 downloads is. A huge milestone for me and for us, and it wouldn't be possible without your support. So I wanna celebrate that. I'm fucking proud, and thank you again for all of your support. All right my friend. Have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.