Ep #26: Secure Situationships Are a Thing - Here’s How to Have One

Can you actually date casually and feel emotionally safe, respected, and secure?
Short answer: yes. But most people out here trying to be the “cool girl” in casual dating are actually just abandoning their needs and calling it chill. Let’s clean that up. In this episode, I break down what a secure casual dynamic actually looks like and how to stop treating situationships like a slot machine that might pay out if you just stay cool enough.

You’ll learn:

• The four key ingredients for a secure casual connection
• How to set boundaries without sounding like you're trying to lock them down
• What to do if you catch feelings (without spiralling or people-pleasing)
• Why you might be secretly performing for love and how to stop
• Exact scripts you can use to express your needs with confidence

Whether you're in your “I just want to flirt and have fun” era, or navigating a situationship that’s starting to feel off, this is the pep talk you need to come back to self and date in a way that actually feels good.

💌 Share this with a friend who’s out there trying to act casual but secretly losing her mind after every text. You know the one.

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Transcript

0:00

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. How you doing today? I am feeling so good today. My energy is absolutely beaming and buzzing. I just do a little dance on my Instagram story, which if you are a regular follower of the stories, you'll know that is. A regular occurrence and it makes me so happy. Yesterday was one of those days where I was an absolute zombie. There was just, I had nothing to give and it was purely because the night before, I just had the most wretched sleep you can imagine. And actually, it's funny, I was on the phone to my dad and I was telling him how I slept really poorly and he goes, oh yeah, it's'cause of the full moon. And I was like, oh yeah. And he goes, no, no, no, I'm serious. It really does affect how you sleep. And I was like, oh, okay. It's a sentence. I didn't ever think I'd hear my dad say, but anyway, I absolutely digress. The point that I want to say here is if you had a bad day yesterday, just shake it off. I know in the moment when you're having one of those bad days and like nothing is going according to plan and you aren't being productive, you aren't getting anything done, maybe you're feeling a bit bad about yourself or whatever it can feel so all consuming and like that's how you're gonna feel for the rest of your life. If you know, you know these days, but it never lasts. And sometimes we genuinely just need a good night's sleep, a liter of water, and to have a little boogie. So shake it off and let's get it today. Now today's episode is talking about secure situation ships or secure casual dating, and I wanted to bring this to you. Because I think there are a lot of amazing women in my audience who are. Really driven. You are ambitious. Maybe you're in a phase where you're really just setting your life up and you're wanting to, you know, be focused at work, be focused in your career. You're wanting to set up your living environment. So where you live, how you spend your time, the friends that you invest in, and you're wanting to just build a really secure foundation for yourself in your life. And maybe you are not at a point where. You want a relationship and that is so okay. I am in exactly the same position. I don't necessarily want a relationship right now, but does that mean that we have to rule out dating altogether? I don't think so. I think there is a way that you can get your needs met, whether that's. Wanting someone to spend Friday night with and try that new restaurant or bar, wanting to have sex with someone and just enjoy physical intimacy and have, and have that need of pleasure to be met, or just someone to kind of talk shit with and banter with without having that deeper level of commitment. You can absolutely do that and. You can do it in a healthy, secure way because yes, this is a thing. Most of you aren't doing casual in a way that actually feels good. You know what I'm talking about? Like if you've tried to do the casual thing before, but you just end up getting. Confused feelings get involved and you dunno how to navigate it. This is, I'm talking to you, okay? I see a lot of people doing casual in a way that just has you kind of questioning things all the time. Questioning do they like me? Should I text them? When am I gonna hear from them? You know, questioning your worth every damn week. And that's not casual. That's chaotic. Okay? And you don't need to date that way, even if you don't want a relationship. So in today's episode, I'm gonna walk you through what a secure casual relationship can actually look like. I wanna show you where most anxious daters, anxious data go wrong, how to set boundaries without sounding like. You wanna get married tomorrow and how to check in with yourself so you stop performing and start owning what it is you actually want. Because you get to be selfish. You get to have your cake and eat it too. And I'm gonna show you how. So my friends, let's dive in Now. You know, just kicking off this conversation, you know that I always say to you. Be clear about what you want from dating when you go into it. It is a dangerous game to play when we go into the apps. We go into dating when we ourselves are very fucking unclear on what it is we actually want. Do I want a relationship? Do I want casual? Do I even wanna be dating? Do I want just sex with no strings attached? Like, what is it that you're looking for? This is going to make your entire dating process and dating experience so much better. It is going to feel clearer. You are going to feel more in control and more grounded because you are the decider. You are deciding what you're accepting, what you're looking for, and what a match for that is, as opposed to going into it and just being, as Katy Perry would say, a plastic bag floating in the wind where you just get pulled in every direction because you are basing your decisions off what someone else wants. So if the introduction of this podcast podcast resonated with you, and you're like, you know what, Mimi, I just wanna be taking care of me right now. I wanna get my life to a place where it feels really fucking good and secure and solid, and I don't want a relationship. But I think it might be nice to have a bit of fun. In the meantime, a bit of lighthearted banter, a bit of this, a bit of that, you know, then amazing. Let's talk about this. So first I want to clean something up. Casual does not mean that you don't care, that you have no standards, that you say nothing, ask nothing, or expect nothing. Casual. Literally just means we are not building a committed future together right now. We are not in a place where we are looking for that deep committed connection. It doesn't mean that you don't get to be respected, that you don't get to feel safe, and it definitely doesn't mean that you ignore red flags just because you are not exclusive. If anything, clarity and communication are even more important in casual dynamics because the blueprint isn't as clear. So if you're just winging it, hoping that they'll magically behave like someone who respects you without you ever saying anything, you are setting yourself up to get hurt. I wanna call out a common trap that my anxious attached. Women can fall into in casual dating or situation chip, and you may not even be aware that this is happening, so let's just lovingly call it out so you can avoid it, because it's one of the worst mistakes you can make in casual dating, and that is that you go into it saying, you know, it's fine. I don't need a label. I'm just gonna see where it goes. But deep down, you actually want commitment. Y. Deep down, you secretly want a relationship and you tell yourself, oh, it's okay. I'll just play it. Cool. Like if I don't push, if I act like I don't care, then maybe they'll want to commit. Yeah, that classic cool girl. Let me just be the chill one who is easygoing, who's breezy, who doesn't need anything from the other person, and thinking that that is what's going to make the person commit to you. Which is just this bullshit fallacy that we've all been made to think is the way to be in relationships based on Hollywood movies and, uh, romance novels. You know, it's, it's that, ugh. Anyway, I could go on for days about that, but let's keep this on track. You can't chill girl or chill boy or chill person, your way into being chosen, and that's not secure. That's performing and your body can feel it. Okay? When we are performing, because we are secretly trying to get something other than what we've said we want, that's when you dip into overthinking overanalyzing, I. That's when your nervous system is on edge after every interaction. You know what I'm talking about. As soon as you leave them or they leave or you send them a text, you are just so on edge and your body is riddled with anxiety and your intuition is screaming at you saying, this isn't emotionally safe for me. And it's really, you're truly doing your yourself a disservice if this is the way you are approaching dating because. There are different levels of commitment and interaction that come with a casual relationship versus a relationship that has the intention of developing into something long term and committed. So if you are on the surface saying you only want casual, but deep down you want the committed relationship, you are literally setting yourself up to get hurt. Because you are not going to get your needs met to the depth that you would like them to because there's a misalignment there. You're saying one thing, you actually want another. So I just wanna lovingly call you out. If you ever find yourself doing that, please stop. Now that we've got that out of the way, what does a secure situationship actually look like? And maybe I should define Situationship the way I would define that. Or I don't know. I kind of hate that word actually, but a situationship is essentially where you are seeing someone without the label of exclusivity. So you are not exclusive with each other. You are not in a quote unquote relationship. It's a casual dynamic, and you can be in a casual dynamic and still feel secure. But it has to be built on a few key things. That is clarity, respect. Boundaries and emotional safety. So let's go into each of these four pillars a little more. Starting with clarity. You, you both have to be honest about what this is. Now, let me tell you a little story about when I decided I wanted to be in my casual dating era. I wanted to have fun. I wanted to meet different people, have different experiences without committing. I just, I knew I wasn't in a place where I had the emotional availability or desire to want to have a partner. And all of the ties that go with that. So I decided for myself internally, I set that strong intention, made that decision. I want casual relationships. I'm gonna have fun here. And remember the number one thing you do. First of all, put that on your fucking dating profile. Say that you're looking for short term. Say that you're looking for casual, if that's what you want. Anyway, so that's what I did, and I was chatting to a few different people, and there's this one person in particular that I'm thinking of. We both said that we were looking for something casual. Now, what a lot of people do, which is the mistake, is they just stop there. They go, yeah, me too. Sounds good. But they have no fucking idea what that actually means. Hence why we get confused. We overanalyze, we get overwhelmed and we dunno what's going on. So what I did in that situation, and what I recommend that you do is let's take that conversation all one step further and get clear on what casual means because it's going to mean something different for everyone. So I said perfect. Me too. That's what I'm looking for. Just so we are clear, what does casual mean to you? Okay. Very simple, easy question. You're just putting the ball in their court to let you know, to literally give you the playbook of how to interact with this person and to see if it's an aligned match for you. So he said, well means going on dates, uh, having fun. Obviously there's like the physical, intimate, physical intimacy aspect, um, but we just aren't taking that connection too deep. And I said, great. That and, and sorry. And then he said, yeah, what about you? What does that look like for you? And I said, pretty much exactly the same. I wanna go on dates, I wanna have fun. Uh, but we don't need to take the connection. Like we don't need to get too deep. And we are not looking for a committed relationship. So from the get go, we both knew exactly where we stood and. This is gonna take like a little bit of time to fully weave out your process and see what you actually feel aligned with. If you have never navigated casual dating in this way, then it might feel a bit weird at first, and you might, you might even yourself feel a little bit confused, and so to help mitigate that, I also want to say that you can keep the lines of communication open with this person. It doesn't matter that you're not in a committed relationship. Communication is a healthy construct for any relationship, no matter the circumstances. So if you at any point you feel confused or you need a bit more clarity, or you need to just have a little temperature check, you can just check in with that person and communicate it. So clarity. Being honest about what this is, be honest with yourself, first and foremost about what you want, and then being honest with the other person. Um, if you are sleeping together but you don't know if they're dating other people, then you need to ask yourself if that's a problem for you, because again, this is gonna be unique and different for everyone. So. For me, for example, it was, I don't really need to know if this guy is sleeping with other people, but I am gonna have a clear boundary of practicing safe sex when I'm with him. So that's you taking accountability if, if that's what you're okay with, you just need to make sure you are. Taking care of your situation. But then again, if you are not comfortable with sleeping with someone who is also sleeping with other people, then you do get to communicate that and the person is either gonna be a match or not. So that's number one. Clarity number two is respect. Now my, my women, listen up please. Casual doesn't have to mean. Inconsistent huge question marks not knowing what the fuck's going on. If someone is dipping in and out of your life, bread crumbing you or leaving you in limbo, that's not okay. That is not what we signed up for. That's a damn sinkhole. So remember that. You get to have respect. In this situationship, and this is something that I also communicated to this person, it was, we don't have to talk every day, but I do want to keep the communication consistent to a point, right? Like maybe we are touching base a couple days a week, and also I expect a reply within 24 hours because that's what I'm available for. You know, it doesn't have to be that you go two, three days without hearing from the person because. Even if something is casual, if you're sleeping with someone, there's going to be a level of emotional intimacy that you are opening yourself up to there. And being left on red for two to three days does not feel emotionally safe. So you absolutely don't have to settle for that, even in a casual setting. So just check in with yourself and ask what is the, what's the bare minimum here? Like what do I need to feel respected in this? Relationship if I'm gonna continue to engage in it. Number three is boundaries. So you still get to have boundaries about your time, your energy, communication style, and your sexual health. I remember with this guy I, things work going well, and then I noticed that he started to hit me up in a very booty call type of way and. This didn't feel good for me. It just didn't. I was like, Hmm, you know, I kind of want someone to have fun with and spend time with as well as that side of the connection, and you can still do that without being in a committed relationship. And so I just communicated that with him. I said. I am only available for this casual relationship if we are still like actually going on dates. I don't want to feel that this is purely physical. I really enjoy spending time with you. I think it's fun and that's something that I need. If we are gonna continue this. Are you available for that? You know, how does that feel for you? It's just, I was letting him know that we can do, we can have the physical side of things and it is fun, but I don't wanna feel like that's all I am to you, so we are gonna have fun, we're gonna go on dates. And I told him that and he was like, yep, totally understand we can do that. So clearing that shit up right away, just nipping it in the bud is gonna help so much. And number four is emotional safety. You don't have to be in love to have emotional respect. You should still feel like a human being who's seen, heard, and held in regard. And if someone makes you feel any less than that, if you do not feel emotionally safe with this person, then. That is your sign to walk away. I don't care how good the sex is, you walk away. Okay. Speaking of boundaries, let's normalize a few things real quick. You are allowed to say, I'm okay with this being casual, but I don't do flaky communication. You are allowed to say, I'm not sleeping with multiple people at once. So if you are, I need us to talk about sexual health. You can say we don't have to talk every day, but if we make plans, I expect you to show up. Boundaries aren't rules to control people and really want you to hear that you are not here trying to control the other person. These boundaries are more like guidelines that are going to keep you safe, and if they flinch at your boundary. Then that's data that's gonna show you exactly the kind of person you are dealing with. Secure people love, clarity, avoidant people hate it. Let that sink in for a moment. I don't care if this is casual or serious. Secure. People love clarity avoidant, people hate it. So as. A anxiously attached person who is working to become securely attached. I want you to remember that, that you get to have fun, casual relationships with securely attached people. And if the person you're dating starts to shut you down, make you feel bad about setting boundaries, tell you you're being too much. That is a sign of their avoidance and emotional unavailability. Not that you are too much. Or that you should reel it in. I really want you to hear that now. I wanna give you a few ways to express your needs without sounding like you are trying to. Lock them down because I know that that is a really common fear, uh, with anxiously attached people, is we never wanna, like, you never wanna say the wrong thing. You don't wanna come across like, you're too much, you don't want to make the other p you don't wanna come across as needy or clingy at which you are not by the way. It's just unfortunately that you've probably been labeled those things throughout your. Uh, relationship history because you're used to dating emotionally unavailable people who don't, or avoidance who have a very small emotional bandwidth for holding space for your emotions, and so therefore they just deflect and shut you down and make you feel like you're crazy and clingy when really you just have basic, essential human needs that deserve to be met. So here's a few things you can say. Number one. I am open to something casual, but I still value clarity and respect. What does casual mean for you? Number two, I'm good with this vibe as long as we're both honest and upfront. If it ever shifts, let's just talk about it. Number three, I'm not here to force anything, but I do care about how I feel in this. If it starts being unbalanced, I'll be honest with you. Now, notice how neutral and grounded that sounds. There's no apologizing, no tiptoeing, just clear and self-honoring. I'm aware that this kind of language and communication might sound daunting or it might sound foreign. If you're not used to just being direct and straightforward like this, that's okay. Like anything new, it's going to feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean that we shy away from leaning into it. So what I recommend is actually writing those sentences down and practice saying them out loud, practice saying them in front of the mirror. You wanna get used to the sound of your own voice and the energy you have behind these words, so you can say them with more confidence to, to someone that you're actually dating. Now let's talk about what do you do if you catch feelings, because I'm sure that question is rattling around in your mind. And I know that it certainly was for me when I was, uh, starting to go into casual dating because. Up until that time in my life, I had always been someone who caught feelings quite quickly, um, which is common for people who are anxiously attached. We tend to latch onto the first person who shows interest, and it's a, it's a dangerous place to be. So if you start to catch feelings, own it. Say it. Don't sit there trying to manipulate the vibe or pretend you're cool with secretly losing your mind. Something like, I know we started casually, but I've noticed my feelings shifting now. I'm not asking from anything for from you. I just wanna be real with where I'm at. And then when you say that, just give them space to meet you. Give them space to come to the conversation and just have an open dialogue about it, and if they can't meet you there, if they can't even have that conversation. You probably wanna walk away. You don't want to stay in a situation where you've expressed yourself vulnerably and you've told them you're starting to get feelings and they can't even acknowledge that or navigate that conversation with you. Okay? You are not being dramatic if you express that you're being secure. Trust me, when I was dating, so same guy that I've kind of been talking about throughout this episode, we got to about three months into our casual relationship. And I started to notice myself attaching, I was wanting to see him more. I was wanting to spend full weekends together and sort of do things in a way that felt more coly, um, and wanting to talk to him more and more regularly. Now, this is the interesting thing that I was able to observe. I could tell that I didn't actually want a relationship with this man. I didn't want him as my partner, but you spend enough time with someone being intimate with someone, you're bound to catch feelings or you're bound to get attached to this person. And so this is why being. Really conscious about how you are feeling and checking in with yourself consistently in casual dating is really important. So because I was aware of that and I caught it, I probably sat with it for about a week, and then I was like, Mimi, you have to act on this. You have to say something, because old Mimi would have not said anything, and she would've probably kept the the relationship going and. Just hoped that something would work out, hope that a relationship would form out of it, which again, would be absolutely setting you up for suc for failure, because that person did not sign up for that. So I said, all right, we need to address this. And so when I was with him the next time I said, Hey, can we talk? I just want to have a check-in about how I'm feeling, and I just said it really directly. I said, look. I think I've reached a point where I don't know if I can continue this connection the way we have been, because I'm starting to notice my feelings are I'm starting to notice that I'm getting attached or I'm about to get attached to you, and that's not what we agreed upon. And I also think that there comes a natural time in a relationship where you want to go deeper. You want to understand this person on different levels. You wanna know more about their past, you wanna know more about their upbringing, about their relationships, about their fears, their desires, all of this. It wants to, you want to come, sorry, you want to, you just wanna understand it because it's within our nature, right? We are curious beings and we want to deepen connections. And so I could feel myself getting to that point almost like I'd reached the limit for how. Long I could prolong a connection that was pretty much surface level, you know? So I expressed that to him and I gave him the opportunity to just let me know where he's at, and he openly and honestly said, you know, thank you for telling me that. I still think I'm in a place where I don't want a relationship. So I agree. Like we should probably call it. And after a final. Bit of fun together. I walked away from his apartment feeling so light in my body, and I knew that that was a result of listening to my gut, listening to my intuition, and taking action that was aligned with what my gut was telling me to do. That is how you know you are building self-trust. When you make a decision that you think your gut is trying to tell you to do and you do it, notice how you feel afterwards. Do you feel clearer? Do you feel lighter? Do you feel a sense of relief? If so, you can trust you've made the right decision. It doesn't mean that you're not gonna have any feelings of like, ah. I'm kind of sad that's over, you know, like we actually did have a really nice time together and now I don't have that person to spend time with. It's okay to feel that. Or even if, if we just jump to the other side of the spectrum for a moment. If you have walked away from a serious, long-term, committed relationship and. You just knew in your gut that it was what you had to do because for whatever reason, that relationship was no longer serving you in becoming the kind of person you wanna be, or it had just run its course. You can hold two experiences at the one time, so on the one hand, feeling a sense of relief because you know you did the right thing, you honored your truth, and you can feel sad. And you can feel remorse or grief for that person. It doesn't matter the length of relationship or the level of commitment, your feelings are still valid. So to wrap that up, I knew I'd reached that point and I just communicated it. Now you might communicate that you are catching feelings and you do wanna be sure for yourself that. Is it that I genuinely have feelings for this person in that I would, I thought I only wanted casual, but now that I've gotten to know them, I think I would actually like to take this further. Or is it that this person doesn't necessarily align or tick all the boxes that you need to be ticked for a committed relationship. However, because you've been spending so much time together, you are just getting attached. You really wanna be clear on that for yourself. If it is that you want a relationship with this person, then I, I can't stress this enough in that you have to speak on that as soon as possible, because if those feelings are real for you and you let them go on even a couple of weeks, you are just going to make it more painful and more difficult for yourself if that person. Doesn't, uh, reciprocate those feelings if they're not mutual. So do yourself a favor and protect your heart, and protect your energy as much as you can by keeping that dialogue open. Here's what I want you to walk away with. You don't have to stop dating casually to feel secure. You just have to stop dating in a way that compromises your peace. Be honest with yourself. Do you actually want casual or are you just afraid of asking for more? Are you enjoying the connection or are you just obsessed with being chosen? Dating casually doesn't mean that you disconnect from yourself. If anything, it means that you stay deeply connected to your values, your voice, and your vision for your life and what you want in this season. And if something starts to make you feel anxious or confused, or not enough, it's the misalignment in that dynamic that you are experiencing. Listen to that. All right, my loves. That is it for today. If this episode hit home for you, send it to one of your besties. Send it to someone who you know would benefit, benefit from it. Who's out there, maybe calling it casual, but deep down. It's not, or send it to someone who you think is in this season of their life where they don't want a committed relationship, but maybe they do wanna know how to navigate casual relationships for a bit of fun, a bit of flirting, and maybe blowing off a little bit of steam in their epic life. So my friends, I hope you have a beautiful week and I will talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.