Ep #28: Why Self-Aware Women Stay in Messy Relationships With Majo Torreli

If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling over a situationship, stuck in a cycle of "I know he’s not good for me, but I can’t walk away" - this episode is your medicine, my love. Today, I’m joined by the beautiful Majo Torreli - somatic coach, Oxford grad, and nervous system wizard - for a powerful convo on how your body (not your brain) holds the key to finally breaking your anxious dating patterns.

Majo spent over a decade feeling small, powerless, and anxious in love, even while doing all the “right” things like therapy, mindset work, and learning about attachment theory. But the moment she started working with her body instead of just her mind? Everything changed.

Inside this juicy episode, we’re talking:
• The #1 reason smart women stay stuck in toxic dating loops (even when they “know better”)
• What it really means to feel self-love in your body, not just your brain
• Why your nervous system is the most powerful dating algorithm there is
• How to actually feel safe enough to walk away from someone who isn't right for you
• The truth about “gut instincts” and how to actually hear them
• Why being “full of yourself” is the secret to aligned love (and how to get there)

🎧 Tune in now - and if it speaks to you, send me a DM on Instagram, I would love to hear what landed for you.

CONNECT WITH MAJO!
Majo’s website: https://www.shesembodied.com/
Follow her on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@shes.embodied
Find her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shesembodied/
Free resource: http://bit.ly/4kJ6qAg 

MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA
Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) over on Instagram here!

Got something you'd love me to record an episode on? DM me and let me know!

Transcript

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. Today's episode is a very juicy and informative one where we are talking all about somatics, the nervous system, and how the body is so important and interconnected into our dating experiences. I had the pleasure of interviewing the beautiful Maho Terelli. Who is a somatic coach? An Oxford grad, trained in somatic sex and relationship coaching and body oriented coaching after spending over a decade feeling small. Powerless and anxious in love. She tried everything from therapy to mindset work to fix herself, only to discover that the real shift came when she learned to listen to her body's intelligence. Today, she helps women break out of painful relationship patterns by reconnecting with their bodies so they can feel crazy, confident. Magnetic and self-loving regardless of their relationship status. We spoke about why so many smart women know self-love in their heads, but don't feel it in their bodies, and how to bridge that gap. How being full of yourself in the best way is the real goal for aligned love. How our nervous system is the best dating algorithm and how to stay grounded when new relationship energy hits hard. If you are someone who really feels stuck in toxic cycles of being in relationships or ships where you just don't know how to break out of it, because even though you have read the books, you've listened to the podcast, maybe you've had many a conversations with a therapist or a coach, or all of your girlfriends. About how you know this person isn't good for you. You still find yourself feeling absolutely stuck with this person, and there is a very good reason for that, and it lives within the body. So Majo beautifully talks us through why that is happening and the things that we need to start focusing on in order to create a real sense of safety and empowerment within yourself, which is going to. Help you to get to the point or to arrive at the point where you just feel clear and you know, without a doubt what the right thing to do is, which comes from being connected to your gut instinct and to your intuition. So this is gonna be a very powerful, informative episode, and I can't wait for you to gain the insight and the knowledge that Majo brings. So, without further ado, let's dive in. Majo, welcome to the Secure Love Club podcast. How are you doing today? Hi, Mimi. Thank you so much for having me. I'm very happy to be here today. I am very excited for our conversation. Majo and I were just connecting before we hit record on our shared passion for somatics and nervous system regulation and dating, and how all of that ties in together. And so we're excited to bring you along for a juicy conversation today between friends, all of us here in the Secure Love Club. And so for our listeners, majo, before we dive into all of the duty stuff, you know, around nervous system and dating and embodied self-love, I'd love to start with your story. So can you take us back and sort of paint a picture for us of what your love life looked like, what dating and relationships used to feel like for you, and then what shifted everything to get you to where you are today? Yeah, of course. So essentially all of my twenties, um, and that's a long time, I mean, 10 years of very anxious dating like I had, and even before that, because I, I mean, I began dating in my teens, right? And it just, the whole thing for me felt like this very confusing game. I could never win. And then, I mean. Obviously they didn't, uh, I don't see it as a game anymore, but like, it just felt this way, you know, like this thing that I was really bad at somehow, like worse than other people. Um, I really struggled in it. It was really painful. Like all my, my relationships felt extremely disempowering. Like they made me feel really small and out of myself all the time. And the worst part of it was like I was. Always doing some type of work. I was always like in therapy because I sense something was wrong and I was like, okay, I'm gonna fix this somehow, like fix myself, quote unquote. And I was the first, uh, going to therapy, reading the books, knowing everything, attachment style in my mind. Like I got the things, I really, really got them. But then in practice, I still felt like. The same, the, the same patterns happened to me, the same anxiety happened, like as, as soon as I started seeing someone I liked and even like, I, I realized, oh my God, this is like the same person I was dating, you know, the like different face, uh, but still same pattern, same person. The last time that happened a lot and it was just very infuriating that I was like. Out of that sphere. A relatively, sometimes even very confident woman. But then when it came to my love life, I was like the opposite, you know? Like I started seeing someone and that woman flew out the window and it was really, really, yeah. Frustrating and also really painful. And after all those years of being in that situation, while at the same time doing all the therapy, all the mindset work, all the everything. I decided, um, well, my last relationship was an an emotional abusive one, and that led me to seek out like something different from everything I've done before. And that's when I found somatics. I had no idea what somatics even meant. I mean, I didn't even know what the word meant. I, I was just like, this really calls me. It was a, um, a certification in somatic sex and relationship coaching. I was really interested in like, the, um, relationship part of it. It sounded like a different way of. Of doing it for some reason, even though I didn't get it at that time, it was just like following a God instinct and I followed it and that's how I discovered somatics and then it was like a, the massive life changer in my life, essentially. Mm-hmm. Thank you so much for sharing that part of your journey with us. I think everyone who is a listener of this podcast is probably nodding along as they're listening to this, and it's just so relatable. I think you know what you said about being that. Confident woman, but then as soon as you start dating, she just flies out the window and you're like, I don't know what's going on. Because you're in therapy, you are, you are learning about attachment styles and all this stuff, but nothing seems to be shifting. And so it sounds like somatics was really the turning point for you. And just quickly, for anyone who might not understand, can you give us a quick definition of what Somatics really means? Yeah, sure. It's just actually, uh, at the very basic level, it's just like someone is body, so like body-based, especially in relation to your brain as in like in your mind, like more focused on using your whole body as opposed to, you know, in the traditional, uh, healing space. We talk, talk, talk a lot and it's very traditional therapy and traditional coaching is very mind based, whereas Somatic is supposed to like wanna integrate. All of the, all of all of who you are, so your body life. Got you. Okay, beautiful. And so when you talk about the difference between knowing self-love in your head versus knowing self-love and actually feeling it in your body, can you break that down for us a bit more and why does it matter so much in dating and relationships? Yeah, that's a, that's a great one.'cause. That was ultimately my struggle and what I see a, a lot of women struggle with. So I like to think of it like you are like an iceberg and like 10% of the emotional stuff in your mind, like your, your emotional patterns, the emotional things that make you, you, they live in your mind. But then the other 90%, like most of. What you are and like most of what you call love, it's actually stored in your body. It's because ultimately what you call love is just your emotional experiences of love so far. And all of those things are really stored in your nervous system, in your body. So like neck down. And the problem with just talking about it and just like, uh, using the traditional talk therapy kind of method is that it's very heady and you just stay in your head, right, as opposed to actually diving into the other 90%. So you're ignoring a big part of it. And, uh, that just like creates this disconnect where, where you're not working with the majority of the things that are keeping you in that struggle in the first place. Mm. That is so interesting. What you just said. Really just stuck with me. You said love. What? What love is the experiences you've had of love so far, or up to this point? Yeah, actually, this is literally my definition of like what I call the love blueprint, and it's what I help clients upgrade and I just define it as, um. What your body expects love to feel like.'cause ultimately, whatever your body expects love to feel like is what you will materialize. So if you expect like, oh, I expect to feel pampered and, and adored and, and very like cherished, then that's what you'll get. But you expect to feel like anxious and like all over the place and like you have to settle for crumbs, then you'll get that. Of course, this is at a very unconscious level'cause everything happening in the body is unconscious. Mm. Got you. Okay. So. What are some signs then that someone is, let's say, intellectually woke? So like yourself before you found somatics. So you, you're learning all the things, you know it on a, on a conscious cognitive level. What are some signs that someone is in that place but they're still disconnected from their body's, um, truth or the, the blueprint their body is holding. Yeah, that's a great one. I would say it's, um, how you really, I mean, you cannot name it, uh, but you feel this like sense of restlessness, anxiety, of like, you can even see it, you know, it's like you can even notice like I did in my case and like I see so many women go like. I know that like, not in on the spot, but after the fact, you know, they are like, I know this yet. I still went out with this person and this happened, and like, I literally studied how to do this differently. And the there I go doing it the same way. So like you notice after the fact that you're falling into the same pattern. Um, and then you just, it's really, it's really difficult for you to name your emotion. I mean, you can name emotions, but you don't really know how to. Recognize them and really know when you feel them in your body. So I see this a lot as well. And this used to happen to me. Like I know conceptually what sadness I knew conceptually what sadness was like. Joy, oh, every emotion, even anxiety, all of them. But then you're like, when it comes to how they feel in my body, I have no clue. I really don't know what that feels like. So like if I'm about my, uh, before that was me. I went about my day and then I was like, okay, what is this? Is this anxiety? Is this fear? Especially when I got triggered or activated and I had no clue. That's like one of the major signs that you're like in this disconnect. Mm. Okay. And so then how, why is that important? Why is it important for us to know what a particular emotion really feels like in our body as opposed to just understanding it? Yeah. Uh, that, that's great. Um,'cause then it's actually, that's how you can work with it. If you cannot like, name it and recognize it and feel it, you cannot like really feel it into it, then you will probably just override it. And that's what smart women do a lot. We're really good at using our brains and analyze a lot of, and we analyze the heck out of things. Then you cannot like, drop into your body and actually feel through the emotion. You are not really working with it. You are just understanding it and that's really not, I mean the whole point of healing actually is, I mean, what I see healing as is just giving yourself this, the permission to feel, to feel it all, to feel uncomfortable. The messy'cause. That's how you start to like change things, the soul things. Otherwise it's just information in your mind. So like the real stick, the way it lands and the real, the way it like translates into a real change in your real life is by like, okay, let me. Work with anxiety and let me see what anxiety has to tell me.'cause sometimes there are messages in there, you know, like, and it brings you to your inner child and then it brings you to like other stuff. And that in, in there, in those messages is like the healing that sometimes takes years in, in, in talk therapy. So, funnily enough, that's kind of like accelerates things because it's like you are, um, because that actually is slowing down into it makes you heal, helps you heal faster. I love that. And so how does that, like, if we try and put this into a really tangible picture for our listeners, so if some, let's say someone is stuck in a sort of toxic relationship or something that is not really an exclusive relationship. It like the boundaries are blurred, but she's really hooked on this person and she's constantly experiencing a state of anxiety. How does when she goes into her body and she's able to feel the emotion of anxiety and as you said, like process it and dissolve it, what shift is she then going to experience in her external reality when it comes to how she feels about that person who is toxic and is not really good for her? When before she did that processing, she was like obsessed with him. How does that work? Yeah, that's a, that's a great question.'cause I have so been there and haven't we all? Yeah, been we all right. And the thing is, it really, I mean, for me, that's the real power, you know, the, the difference between like doing things in a way that it's like, okay, I'm just gonna, because sometimes. I have, uh, been in a situation where I'm just like, okay, I intellectually get it that my, this person is, you know, not treating me well and it's not, he's not good for me. So I will like make my best efforts to cut it off. And sometimes, uh, that works. But the thing is that you are not completing the cycle in your body, and that's also what leads you to seek out other people like him in the future because you never completed the cycle. So like those emotions are still like stuck, let's say in your body. And you're still trying to, like whatever you saw in him and whatever attracted uh, you to him in the first place. If you do it in a very intellectual and like forced and like disciplined way, let's say it's really at the end of the day, it will lead you to just go out, uh, in the next one. And that's how you repeat cycles to look for the next person to like give you that same emotion. So that's why we wanna break that by actually feeling into it, because that's how you process stuff on a somatic level by really feeling into the thing, um, and creating what. What's called interceptive awareness, which is like what your body's telling you moment by moment. That's like literally listening to your body's language. And that is how you can start the process of healing. And so for, for, for, um, first of all, that's how you break the pattern, uh, for the future. And in the moment, well, it gives you the sense of safety. And power. I mean, that's how, that's how you gain your power back. That's how you can do things in a way that, okay, this is still painful. And I mean, I still, not a pleasant experience, but I at least feel like safe and at teasing myself while making this decision, putting it off. So that's a huge difference, you know, as opposed to just like doing it with my mind and forcing myself to do it. It's, it's the same with everything in life. Like even, even working out, if you go to. A cold plunge and then like, uh, and, and then hit the gym in a way that's a very disciplined quote, unquote, but like pushing yourself, you actually get all the drawbacks as opposed to the benefits that you would get from like working out and giving your body a cold plunge. So it's very interesting how, just how the body works. Hmm. That's fascinating. What do you mean when you say you get the drawbacks? Well instead of the benefit, the thing is that when you do something that's like against, like literally that your body feels is unsafe, so just like going to the gym like 6:00 AM to CrossFit when, when you hate it and just like breaking it up with someone who you're infiltrated with and who like still is giving you something very strongly that your nervous system is attached to you are like actually. Not working with your body, relating with it to sooth it and to create felt safety, but just to. Give it the opposite. So like you're just like withdrawing it in a very harsh way and that gives you, like all the ne instead of all the positive chemicals that you're looking for, like the, the self-love, the soothing, the like, I'm here with you. Like if you were soothing a little girl,'cause that's what you need in the moment. You're actually doing the opposite. You're creating more stress, so you're even ramping up your nervous system more. So that's really, that keeps you up in the, in the activated trigger state as opposed to helping you calm down and soothe. Got you. Okay. So for that woman who, let's say she knows she needs to cut someone off, that's toxic and the approach of just do it is not working for her because there's such a lack of safety in her body. What is, what does that process look like for her of creating safety internally? Like is there a specific emotion she needs to work with? Is it a memory? Like what does that process look like? Yeah, I would say that first, and I mean throughout it's, it's a lot of really, really creating safety within like, uh, you are prob in that case, we're probably, she's probably outsourcing it a lot to. To him, you know, she's trying to find safety in that other person. So like, first of all, try to get that back as much as possible by giving yourself that felt sense of safety. And there are, uh, simple ways to start doing that, uh, that are, that are somatic and like really, really easy. So, for instance, um. Anxiety. I see it as this rising feeling, right? It's like you're out of your body almost. Whereas feeling grounded and appease, it's like the opposite. It's like, ugh. You feel really inside yourself, right? So. Uh, lie down, put a weighted blanket on yourself when you're feeling really anxious, and like, just be with, with yourself in that moment. Um, just like soothe yourself. Learn to give yourself the, the space and the time between, between your interactions with him. So. Give yourself, uh, the, the message that it's okay for me to be in this situation, and it's okay for me to, I, I know what's best for me and it's just taking me a little longer to, to get there. But I will get there to the point where I have exactly the decision I need. Like I'll know it from within, not because this is what I should do, quote unquote, and just give your body that space to process it all and, and to. Move through it in a way that's really more soothing that, um, than just, like I was saying, discipline, you know, harsh. Mm. And, uh, yeah. Another way is just day to day really tend to yourself in, in easy ways. The way that blanket is. One example and now is just like, come into your breath as much as possible and, uh, for instance, rock yourself. Like these little things like just rock yourself, like you would rock a baby. That's really calming for your vagus nerve. Just like the more you come into your body, the more you create this sense of safety. Hmm. And from there it's way easier to like, listen to your intuition and listen to, to what's right for you and, and listen to your tummy. Your tummy has all the information of what's right for you. Your tummy knows best. I love that Y. Yeah. That's something that I'm always saying to my clients as well, is we need to work to create a holistic approach to self-regulation. So not just focusing on managing the anxiety when it's acute in the moment, but how are you soothing yourself and calming your nervous system on a day-to-day basis, even when you're not triggered and activated. Is that something that, is that what you're talking about? Absolutely. Yeah, exactly. Like that's why I love. Um, using the word relating with your body instead of like regulating. Mm-hmm. So that you don't see it as a ma as a machine to fix, but rather just like this lovely bean you are inhabiting. And that the more you learn to relate with it, the easier it gets actually. And sure it can take a little bit more time, but like it will give you that info you need when you need it. Just like have a little bit. Yes. That's beautiful. Relate to yourself, not regulate. Yeah. That does sound more soft and more approachable. Like less intimidating if someone's, maybe you're not used to self-regulation. Exactly. I love that. Thank you for sharing. Okay, so moving on from that you, from what you've shared with me, you believe that being full of yourself is actually a good thing and I love that approach. Can you unpack what that really means and. How that has will change the game for you personally in your dating life and how you see it supporting other women. This idea of being full of yourself, because I know that in today's society that can often have a negative connotation. Like there's a, people put other women down if they come across as being full of themselves. So what is your view on that? Mm. Yeah. Yeah. I love that'cause precisely what you say. It's usually seen as something that's you want to avoid, but really from a somatic lens and like nervous system perspective, it's really something you wanna cultivate the sense of of fullness.'cause ultimately it just means like I'm really, really fully in my body. Like I'm inhabiting every last corner cell of who I am and. If you think about what I was, uh, we were talking about like this anxiety being the rising feeling like almost outside of yourself versus being grounded, being inside yourself and just feeling to how the moments when you're anxious you, you're really easy to like shape, you know, and like to move around almost. Whereas when you're fully in your body and you feel this like ground that confidence, like feet on the ground, like really, really just fully myself, it's then that it's so easy to access and then it's like, oh, I remember this about my boundaries and, and oh yeah, I have this tool. And then it's like you can access all of those things. So really from that perspective is just being as grounded and fully. In your body as possible. And that is what we cultivate with all of these somatic tools. Hmm. We want as full of yourself as possible. So for the person listening who hears that and they think, oh my God, how do I even get to the point of accepting and expressing, as you said, like every little corner of myself, every part of myself. I think for a lot of people that probably sounds unattainable or like a big stretch because you know, it's, a lot of women I speak to have confidence issues, body image issues, self-worth issues. Um, so what does that process look like? To get there. Yeah. And I so get it.'cause that was also, I mean, my story a hundred percent, the body much issues. Big time and the self-worth and yeah, they're all related. That's, that's the, the beauty of, of it, that's ultimately when you reconnect with your body, you gotta like, oh, it's not just about love, you know, like even my PCOS was related to, to my body. To everything, you know, to everything I was struggling with, struggling with. And I think the, the part to start, and like what I usually, uh, do and still do with myself every day is precisely focus on those areas that you really struggle with the most. So the things, the parts of you, the most wounded ones, the ones that hurt the most, um. For example, I work a lot with my teenage girl, like my inner teenage girl.'cause that's like the, maybe the most insecure part of me. So I bring her, I bring her online a lot, and I am constantly like loving her and accepting her. And that's what we do. Like, um. Uh, it's parts work. So like I, I call it self focusing. And, and a very simple, easy way to do that is just like you close your eyes and like you literally go inside and you try to speak with whatever comes online when you're feeling that insecurity and that sense of, uh, threat. So maybe that can be. That, that inner child, or maybe that can be your teenage girl or maybe can be no, you, you cannot really name it, but you just feel it. And as opposed to trying to push it away, you just sit with it and like literally have a conversational dialogue like you would a friend, like, oh, I see you there. Uh, I hear you. Yeah, what are you trying to tell me? And it's incredible'cause the part will speak back, not like in literally in words, but in sensations, in emotions, in images. And that's how you start relating with that part. And when you relate with something with love, you can learn to love it. Hmm, that's so powerful. I actually had an experience connecting with my inner teen a few weeks ago and it kind of surprised me because a lot of my wounds relate back to my inner child, you know, around like five years old. And I hadn't had a lot of experiences when I was doing my own inner work where my teenage self came through and I was like, oh, this is interesting. And it is fascinating. What comes through when you do just give these parts of yourself a bit of airtime. Yeah. Like you just, as you said, you go in to have a conversation with them and you just ask them the questions of like, what are you feeling right now? And what are you afraid of? Yeah. And it's always the most pure, sincere responses that come through. When I did this, it was, I think it was my 13-year-old self, and she was like, I'm just afraid that I'm not important and that I am gonna, I'm not taken seriously. And it's like when you hear those answers, you're able to just drop into so much compassion and empathy for that part of yourself. Like just as you would, as you said earlier, like a younger child who's with you, you know, you can have such a softer approach when you. Get to the, the, the root of where this pain is coming from as opposed to being stuck in your head and, and being really hard on yourself and trying to logic your way out of things and saying, you should know better, or, you know this, so why are you doing this? Right? And it's like it all comes back to such an innocent fear that we have inside ourselves. Absolutely. Oh, uh, that's so resonated with me, Mimi.'cause that was also literally my experience, uh, recently as well.'cause yeah, we tend to think everything goes back to the inner child and a lot of it just goes back maybe to our teenage selves or even to another part. And yeah, when you, it's like, oh wow, I, I didn't even know that was there and that it was painful, like so a lot. So yeah, I feel that. And it's almost like instead of fighting against these parts of yourself, as you said earlier, like you're integrating them. So yeah, by giving them that acknowledgement and hearing them, is that how, how do you define like integrating parts of yourself? Exactly. Uh, I love that question'cause it's one of my favorite parts of doing this work and it's, I like to see it like, imagine, um. I believe we're all in our ways, like unique and, and, and magical. Imagine your magic. I mean, it's always the case that your specific magic Mimi is like made up of four components that make you you, and there's like no other Mimi in the world. And let's say out of those four components, one is made up of something a wound and something that you have rejected your entire life or something that's really painful.'cause that's usually the case for most of us have. You know, what makes us magical and one of those ingredients is often one of these things that really hurts. If you spend your whole life rejecting that and not like embracing it, how will you get out your magic into the world? You know, that's, that's why this, this is worth it. Like love the heck out of it.'cause that's how you get it out. That really. That actually helped me a lot to just think about that, about the integration process of what that really means to see that Yeah, one of your, your core wounds is meant to make up that part of you. Like it's, it's meant to be in there and by accepting it, you unlock a bit more of your magic, your personal power. Yeah. Yeah. Every time. Mm. That is so beautiful and so. How else are you seeing, so these painful relationship patterns that people have, especially with anxious attachment, what are some of the, the core wounds these people might be holding and experiencing that have them chasing emotionally unavailable people? Hmm. Yeah. Uh, probably a lot of it has to do with abandonment. I, I think that's a really, really big wound for us, anxious skaters, and that's why, I mean, I, I think all probably the whole thing, the whole, your whole, what we call at. That attachment style is like very linked to some sort of abandonment, fear and anxiety around that. So ultimately what we really do in Somatics is just like give you a lot of self sourced safety and this feeling of like no matter who lives, I'm here with you. I'm here with you, mini me, I'm here with you, teenage me, I'm here with you, all of me. And I like. I won't leave. And yes, some other people can, but like, I will not, and that, yeah, that is ultimately the, the goal, let's say with this, because I, I don't really even call like calling it a style per se.'cause I think that the label is like, it already sounds a bit like clinical and just again, like the regulating. So I just go like, um. Okay. We have this fear of abandonment that's really big. Let's see how we soothe ourselves, um, and, and listen to the fear and listen to what it has to tell us and, and yeah, love the heck out of it so that we feel okay with whatever happens along the way. Hmm. Beautiful. And so by being able to connect with that part of us that, or the abandonment wound, the part of us that is afraid to be left, you were saying earlier, that's how we reclaim our power and break out of toxic relationship patterns. I'm curious about what, like what are the common threads that you see in women when they are. Chasing avoidant people, people who can't meet their needs, people who have shown them and proved to them time and time again that they cannot meet their needs, even if they say otherwise or keep that person hooked, is it? I mean, I know that we can be chasing self-worth and validation in these people, but when it comes down to being able to detach and move away from them. What is the number one thing that you would get them to focus on? Like, is it safety in the body? Is it, what would it be? I love that question.'cause this is like, you're asking every part of, you know, like my whole life, something I suffered with. Um, I think, I mean, how I live it now, like firsthand and what actually I see works now is. Uh, through ingredients. So first, a lot of, um, time, a lot of time, space. Keep it to yourself and listen to your tummy. So I'm gonna unpack this a little, but this is like the process of, of me dating now just in,'cause sometimes I still fall in into my old pattern, so I have to like always keep working. And, uh, yeah, the, the, the time component and like the slowing down. The thing is that when, when you are in your usual pace of how you used to do things, you go to back to like, I. Old habit energy. And that's how you used to do and, and how you used to be and how your mind used to like default to certain people and certain things in certain situations. So when you actually give yourself the time to slow it down, so like time between his invitation, his, his texts, his whatever, and your response in that time, you're able to notice and in, in that time, your real job is like. To notice the sensations, so not the stories in your mind, but just the sensations in your body. Even if you can. Even if at first you have no clue what they mean, that's already like, okay, I'm noticing what's happening. And with time you will know what it means. But just start by noticing the sensations in your body. Uh, then I really. Like this. I, I see it. I saw it a lot in myself. And I see this pattern as well in women that we tend to talk a lot with our friends, our mom, our whoever, about the relationship. Like, oh, I met this person and I'm so excited, you know, and he's great and blah, blah, blah.'cause it is exciting when you meet someone. And the thing is that, that usually. Especially when you're not, I mean, that's great for the future you, the future confident you. But right now as we build your sense of like groundedness and confidence, you still have your voice quite muddled and like you don't know how to distinguish between your voice and someone else's voice. And so people's opinions will. On ground you and they won't be helpful. So I really, uh, like telling people like at first take it really slow and like, don't, I mean sure, sure. With your coach maybe, or like someone who you know will actually actively help you, but not just talk about it.'cause it'll probably. On ground, you, um, and then go back to your tummy. So like, stop using your brain so much to make those decisions. And because you have given yourself the time, the space, and the. And like kind of separated yourself from your usual habit of telling the whole world and like listening to the whole world's opinion, then you're able to go back into yourself a little more, and then you can find these moments of, of peace and quiet because intuition just speaks to you when you are in this. Peaceful quiet state, or when you're just not activated, you know, you're not just calm when you're about your day thinking about something else when you're not activated.'cause whatever comes to you when you're triggered, that's not intuition. Mm-hmm. So then when you're in those spaces of calm or even pleasure, then you, you, you sense into your tummy and the answer is just come and they're like, oh, I think I'm repeating a pattern, or, oh, I think this is happening with this person. Or, or actually I think he's good for me. You know, and that's how you. You start doing it differently. Mm. I love that. Okay, so there's three ingredients, three steps. So number one, you said give yourself more space and time than you normally would between responding to someone or like making any decisions. Yeah. And with that first point, I feel like I can already hear people saying, but how much time, like, how much time do I give myself? So how much time should we be talking here? Like let's say for example, someone sends you a text and your old self would be like jumping to reply straight away. How long should we be waiting? Yeah. I, I see it as, as long as you like, whatever your first instinct is, it's. I mean, you will get to the point where your first instinct is the one. But like for now, let's just say that, uh, when you're like at, right outside of anxiety patterns and, and those anxious avoidant, um, attachment styles, just like give yourself enough until you feel a little bit more grounded. So do some exercises, do some breathing. Uh, put the weight a blanket on you, like whatever it is that you need to feel. In, you fulfill it in your breath and in how your, if your mind's spiraling, you know, when your mind's spiraling, when you're like breathing super fast, that's not the, the best time to reply. Just whenever that passes, then go for it. Got you. So when you feel like your emotions have come back to a place of neutrality Yeah. At least, uh, at least not activation. Yeah. Okay. At least not activation, so not feeling like maybe your heart rate is racing or your thoughts are spiraling, or you're like feeling a bit anxious in your body. So wait till that kind of dissipates. Yeah, exactly. And like, um, I mean, this is the, that's the time to go, uh, to, maybe you can go for a walk or, I'm, I'm a freezer and when I freeze, I, I take little naps. Yeah, sometimes I actually do the, do that, like someone texts me and for some reason, even if it has nothing to do with him, and it's just something all getting activated, I, this happened recently. I went and took a little nap and,'cause I noticed like, oh, I'm, I'm frozen. Um, just after the nap, I, I felt myself unfreeze and I was like, okay, I feel good now. And then I tested him back. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And why is it important to. Wait until you feel more grounded to text back. Yeah. I see it as part of just showing up differently, not even for him or for the relationship, but for yourself. Because you wanna, that's who you wanna be, right? That that's the woman you ultimately wanna show up as like this grounded, powerful version of yourself and whatever's best for you. It's so much easier to access when you are in this state of mm of, yeah, of, of, uh, of groundedness. Of like centrality, of like being full of yourself. Like we were talking. I love that. Okay, so it's about the reason why behind we do that is to start to show up as the secure, grounded version of yourself now to begin to normalize that embodiment. Yeah, exactly. It's, yeah, beautiful. Not about the relationship, not about the the man or the, the other person. It's just about you. Hmm. Okay. So that's step one. And then step two you said is limiting outside opinions. And that just made me laugh because I know, especially as women, we love to talk and sometimes my clients will be like to me. So I was talking to all my girlfriends and I was talking to my therapist, and I was talking to my psychic, and now I'm talking to you and I'm like, whoa. That's a lot of, that is a lot of opinions, so yeah, talk. Talk to me a little bit more about that. Like why or what is the absolute importance of not doing that? Of actually just staying with yourself and not seeking all of those opinions? Because I think for people who are anxiously attached, they have a big problem or they struggle with trusting themselves and. Listening to their intuition. They always want, and you know, this was me too in the past. We're always wanting external validation of our decisions. So we feel the need to go and ask everyone around what to do out of fear or whatever it might be. So why should women, why should we start to practice that more and more ruthlessly of like not tuning into everyone else's opinion? It is damn scary. You're so right. I mean, I, I remember that I used to ask Google, I was like, is this intuition or fear? You know, because I have no idea. Well, now it's chat g pt, and let me tell you, they never know. They never freaking know, you know, that's nothing, nobody can know. Just you can know. Like you have the set of instructions inside and uh, yeah, I mean. Why? That's precisely because you wanna get to that point of like, I mean, you will get there when you can on the spot. Tell someone if you want to, if you decide to, and be like, okay, I hear your opinion. And nonetheless, I have this within me and that is my opinion. But of course it's a process and it's a slow pro. It can be a slow process at first. Um. I mean, funnily enough, the more you listen to yourself and give yourself that space and time, the faster I think the process gets. But yeah, I mean the more you really need to go through this, uh, to this sense of what it, what, what's the, my sensations are telling me what's that? What is the thing that the my what, my, what is my gut saying? And you cannot know that, first of all, if you had like. Habit of being in your head and not in your body at all. It's really difficult just to, okay, now I'm gonna switch it on and let's say what my gut says. So in order to have that, you need that space and the time, and then not the external voices. Uh, I get it.'cause I also used to look for like this confirmation of my decisions.'cause I, I didn't know. So at first it's just like blind trust and you need to have this blind trust and to know that you do know. It's just you're not, nobody taught you and you've probably had a lot of years of being this way. So you just need to have this blind trust of like, okay, I know and I'm just gonna do things differently for me.'cause I love myself because I wanna do things differently for me and like have different relationships for me and I will just. Mm. Uh, how do we say it? Just share with my friends other stuff about my life right now. Mm. Not because, um, I, I don't love my friends and I don't, and it doesn't feel amazing sharing with them. But because I love myself a lot and I wanna do it differently, and same with whoever is that person, that person for me was my mom. And it, I even talked to her, you know, I was like, mom, uh, I love this bond we have. I love sharing with you, but like it's really not helping my pattern of. Of listening to myself, which is what I was working on, um, before, I mean, still working on it, but still. And uh, yeah, that really does. Just making the choice, like with that is a conscious awareness choice that you make. It already tells your body, I'm in it with you. Let's do this together. We're gonna change this for real and for good. And that's already like planting the seed of self-trust. And then you do the whole rest of the process, like the space, the time that listening to your tummy. It just builds up. It adds up. And your body will like quote unquote reward you, let's say. Mm. Yeah. I love that. I definitely relate to the relationship with your mom thing and. I think it's okay if you wanna share how you are feeling or just, you know, have that connection with your mom or with a friend or whoever. But one thing I've had to say to my mom sometimes is, I don't need your, I don't want your opinion. I don't want you to offer me solutions. All I want you to do is listen. Yeah, that's it. I just want you to listen and maybe give me a hug or just be there to support me, but I don't want your opinion. Yeah, absolutely. And I found that to be really instrumental in improving our relationship because then I was getting what I needed from her and she understood how to be there for me in the way that I needed. And I think that's so important to like, don't be afraid to say that to people around you. Because it means you still get to open the door for them to be a part of your life and to be there for you, but you are setting them up for success by letting them know what you need ahead of time. So you're having that connection, but you are also still, as you said, working with your body to say, we can be supported. But when it comes to deciding what we need to do and what we need to focus on, I trust you and I'm gonna listen to you. Yeah. And that's brilliant.'cause what you're, you're naming is like what you like, the exact type of boundary you needed, you know?'cause sometimes, sometimes the boundary might be not speaking at all. Sometimes the boundary might be speaking with like, about certain things and not others, you know, like, but whatever it is. That's why we aim at agency. It's not like a set of boundaries, just do this. It's more like you partner with your body and find out exactly what it is you need and then you express it and, and yeah. And teach yourself this new way of relating, like you said, of, ooh, we can get our needs met and not override ourselves. Mm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So powerful. I had something I was just gonna ask you that just flew out of my head, but That's okay. It might come back. Okay. So these three steps, and then you said, sorry, the last one is listening to your tummy. So what does that look like in real time, listening to your tummy? So my favorite way to do this, um, what I practice a lot, uh, and it's, I say like, it's really easy and almost infallible once you get into it. It's like I just lie down and, uh, put on some maybe, uh, vibrational music you like, um, some sage frequencies, whatever it works for you, if that works for you. And then just like get into a very relaxed state. And use your breathing. To activate your pelvic floor, so like breathe deep into your pelvic floor so you feel this like loop between your throat and your pelvic floor. Because when you activate, that's like your pleasure center. And when you activate this life energy, it really gets you out of any stress mode, out of any activation you might have been in. So once your pelvic floor is on. And you are in this breathing loop, you are very relaxed and you can trust that the information coming to you is like the information you need. You know, it's not coming from fear or like anxiety. So that's just step one. And then step two is be patient and just come, I mean, bring to mind whatever issue it is. Uh, like, okay, I'm, I'm going out with this person, or whatever it is that you, you wanna ask yourself and just let it be. And look for the sensations in your tummy. And uh, it's very funny'cause sometimes it can be like yes and no answers. Like, should I do this or not do this? And it's so, so clear. Like once you get into the habit of doing this constantly and trusting yourself, it's so clear.'cause you will get this like sense of expansion and it, you feel the yes in your body when it's a yes from within. Mm. And you'll feel that constriction and like the shutting down when it's a no. Also, sometimes you'll just be like neutral and like, Ooh, no sensation came up and that means maybe not now. Or maybe I don't have a strong opinion about this yet. And that's literally it. That's you listening to your gut. I love that. Okay, so lying down, breathing in, I've never heard that before. So breathing in and connecting in with your pelvic floor. So can you, does that work by literally, you can visualize sending the air in your breath, like down to your pelvic floor and then coming up and down. Yeah. And, uh, you can even add another layer to that, which is just like, um, you know, chemical exercises where you like hold your pee. Mm. So like, do, do this motion inside, like try to hold, like if you were holding pee, that's a way also to activate your pelvic floor. And that gets that, uh, the, that energy moving. Yeah. Got you. So is it like I'm always feeling it now. It's like when I breathe in it's like I can tense my pelvic floor as if I'm like holding in, needing to pee and then exhale and let it go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Beautiful. I love that. That's like a really tangible, great approach to staying connected with your body and staying grounded in those moments where you can feel yourself getting activated and wanting to spiral. So. What was it again? My mind just went blank. So we had Oh yeah. Giving yourself space, limiting outside opinions and then asking your tummy. Yeah. Yeah, that, that's it. And I really like that nuances you give about like your relationship with your mom.'cause I actually do that as well. So maybe instead of limiting outside opinions, we can be like just finding the boundaries you need. You know, the somatic boundaries that your body's telling you you need, and like with friends, with your mom, with the people you're used to speaking about your relationships. Got you. One question that's coming up for me is, let's say someone who's really anxious is doing this three step process and she can hear that her gut is telling her. To not continue seeing this person. Right? And so she's found that answer she knows, but obviously there's gonna be some. Sense of unsafety with that, she's gonna be freaking out about having to confront and face that truth. Like that's really scary, right? When we, when we finally acknowledge the truth we have within us, because I know for me, in my past relationships that were very anxious and avoidant, that truth was there for quite a while. But I constantly ignored it. Ignored it, ignored it.'cause I just didn't wanna face it. Yeah. And so when we get to that point of having to confront that truth and act on it, do you think there is some element of, I'm gonna use the words like tough love. Grit force willpower to almost get yourself over the line of like, I need to sit with this discomfort, or do you think it's No, we can keep working with ourselves to get to a point of like a hundred percent safety before we take any action. What do you think? That's a really juicy question. Hmm. Because, yeah, I can really literally go back to the times I was like, oh my God, now I know for real. And oh God, it was difficult back then. It was really difficult. Well, I can say it does get easier, I promise. The more you, you work with yourself It does, does, does get so much easier. Um, I think you can maybe like try. I think that once the decision is so real and so, so like certain, and like your gut and your whole body's telling you that this is really what you need and what you want, it does give it a bit of like, um, okay, it's going to, it's painful, but um. I think in those moments what you need, maybe it's just a lot of support. Maybe that maybe there, it can be with friends, a good coach, uh, you know, whoever is a good support, secure figure. And again, it's something very much let your body guide you. And sometimes it might be helpful to be like, okay, maybe I need a couple of days more to fully sit with the decision and until it feels like a whole body is,'cause maybe that's what you need. Maybe you need the space and the time until it feels more certain and more like a full Yes. And that can be a couple of days only, or like. One week or two weeks, you know? Um, so yeah, I think there's, there's this like, balance, uh, between, uh, between the tough because it feels, if it feels like a lot of tough love, I think maybe there's something that you haven't processed yet that you, that you still have that relationship or from the person that you might still wanna bring up or talk to them about. So this, I do believe that the more you get into yourself and. And, and the more you do this, this work, like letting your body speak, the more you get to that point of like, feeling almost like, oh, a release, like an exhale. You know? And that's when it does get easier. Hmm. And, um, then it will hurt. Sure. But it's gonna be a level of pain you can handle or that doesn't get you so off center. Got you. That is such a good way to look at it. Yeah. And even as you're saying that, I can feel that, and just remembering even points in my own relationships of a, it's like you arrive at this point. Yeah. And you just know and you're like, it's too clear to ignore it now. Exactly. Yeah. Hmm. And acknowledging that, yes, it's still gonna hurt.'cause letting love and connection go is going to hurt. It's part of being human, but as you said, you can handle that pain. I think that's so empowering. Exactly. It doesn't feel like a, an additional thread to your system or like additional force and stress. It just feels like actually taking off some of. Some of the force out, you know, some of like, ah, now we can breathe. And it's, it's a different kind. Yeah. It's grief and you do need support, self support and support from others to, to grieve and be through that. But yeah, it doesn't feel like triggering anymore. Yeah, having support is so invaluable and important just to know you're not alone When you do make that cut or you do move away from that person, having the right the right support is so instrumental. I've always had coaches and people I've had supporting me through those times and it's, you know, it's not something you have to do alone or that you should have to do alone, which is why it's great there's people like you and I in the world doing this work. Um, my ho. This has been such an interesting conversation and I'm sure our listeners are gonna take so much away from it. So thank you for everything that you have shared. And if there's one final message that you would like to send to our listeners about self-love, about the work that you do, what would that message be? You're so, so, so much power, more powerful than you think you are, than your mind gives you credit. And like all of that power is stored in you already. It's just a matter of learning to access it. And that's something you can learn. Amazing. I love that. And so if people wanna connect with you and learn more about what you do and how you can help people, where can they find you? Um, um, on Instagram and TikTok as well as she at, she's Embodied. And also, uh, you can book free sessions, uh, to like see what Somatic is like on my website. Uh, she's embodied.com. Amazing. We will leave all of that linked in the show notes, so you can go and check out MA's work. Majo, thank you again for joining us on the Secure Love Club podcast. Thank you so much for having me, Mimi. It was a pleasure. Thank you. Bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.