Ep #41: Slow Down To Speed Up!

In this episode, I’m diving into why constantly dating, matching, texting, and seeking the next “spark” is actually delaying your love life — not accelerating it. We’ve been sold this idea that the woman who hustles hardest in dating wins. But in reality, the women who find healthy, secure partnership aren’t the ones sprinting from person to person… they’re the ones who pause, reflect, self-resource, and date intentionally.

I’m breaking down how slowing down — even taking short breaks from dating — is one of the FASTEST ways to call in the love you desire. Because when you stop rushing, you can finally see your patterns clearly, take responsibility for the results you’ve been creating, and make conscious, empowered shifts toward compatibility and alignment.

We’ll talk about how your nervous system influences your pace in dating, how to release the fear of “falling behind,” and how slowing down transforms you into the woman your future partner is naturally drawn to.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:
• Why dating fast actually slows down your results
• How rushing is often a trauma response disguised as “effort”
• What slowing down really looks like (beyond just deleting the apps)
• Why your patterns become clearer when you pause and reflect
• How taking responsibility puts your power — and energy — back in your hands
• Why becoming more intentional collapses time and speeds up finding your person

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Transcript

0:00

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi. What. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. Before we dive into today's episode, I have a very exciting announcement this week on Thursday the 6th of November, or potentially Wednesday, depending on where you are in the world, I am hosting a brand new free masterclass called. Integrate, how to stay secure, grounded and confident when you meet someone you like without changing yourself to be chosen. I'm so excited to bring this masterclass to you because I've been having just so many conversations with people in my community and my audience over on Instagram about what you're navigating in dating and relationships right now and. One of the biggest themes that has been coming through in these conversations is how you are feeling confident and self-assured in your life in general, in all the facets of your life. So in your career, in your friendships, in your routines. But then as soon as you meet someone that you like. That confidence and self-assuredness starts to crumble away, and you find yourself changing who you are or changing aspects of yourself. Maybe you're changing the way that you dress, you're changing the things that you are interested in to suit that person. You are watering down some of your opinions, or you're just, you're not staying true to your values and the way that you show up. Outside of romantic relationships, maybe you have this really goofy personality, or you are really outspoken and bold, but that all changes as soon as you realize, oh fuck, I think I like this person. And it's as if your brain just goes into, how do I get them to like me? And it's so fascinating that this happens, and I totally get it. I've been there in the past. Why? We seem to think that as soon as we catch feelings, all of a sudden we're not good enough. Or at least that's what our brain likes to tell us. And it's a real problem that we need to look at solving because the longer you allow yourself to stay in this loop of losing yourself when you like someone and thinking that you are not good enough, and therefore trying to change yourself to be good enough, you will never have authentic relationships. You will continue to loop in anxiety and self-doubt and questioning yourself and truly feel unfulfilled and unseen in your relationships. We need to change this, and that is why I'm hosting this masterclass. Now, a lot of you are like, yes, Mimi. I know this, like I know that I need to stop changing myself. I know that I just need to be secure and confident in who I am. But in the moment, my body still freaks out and I default to my old patterns. Yes, and that's because knowing it isn't the same as embodying it. And this is why so many smart, self-aware women keep repeating the same dynamic. They intellectually get it, but their nervous system hasn't caught up, and this is exactly what we're doing inside my upcoming masterclass. Integrate, I'm teaching you my mechanism for how to take what you know you should do to have healthier relationships and actually make it who you are. You become the woman whose default is secure and not because you are trying to anymore. But because it's integrated. Inside integrate, you'll learn how to create safety within yourself, even when your mind is spiraling. You'll understand why your body goes into panic mode when you like someone and learn how to regulate your nervous system so you can return to calm quickly without relying on their text reassurance or attention. You're going to rebuild your confidence in who you are and stop morphing to be chosen. You'll uncover the exact moments you self abandon and why, and learn how to anchor back into your authentic energy so you can date without performing, pleasing, or overthinking. You're going to shift from chasing connection to receiving it with ease by integrating the mindset and embodiment practices that allow you to slow down. Trust your intuition and attract emotionally available people who meet you where you are without losing yourself in the process. This is a live one-time event. It is going to be so incredible. Over a hundred of you have already registered and saved your spot. And if this is speaking to you and you just know you need to be there in the energy on this live masterclass, I have left the link to register and secure your spot in the show notes below. Make sure you do that right away because the spots. Are limited. I'm so excited. It's going to be incredible, and I can't wait to see so many of your beautiful faces and just connect with your energy in real time. So again, this masterclass integrate is happening this week. This Thursday, as this is being recorded, it will be the 6th of November, 2025. Register and secure your spot right away. There is also a very special bonus offer that is only available exclusively to those who register for this masterclass. This is an offer that you do not want to miss. It is for those of you who are ready. To face your patterns and do the work to take a radical responsibility for your healing journey. This is an opportunity if you have been wanting to work intimately with me, to have me by your side as you heal your anxious dating patterns and step into your most secure self to become a match for your ideal partner. This is a bonus offer you want your hands on. So remember, you must register To gain access to this special bonus offer. All right. Today's episode is all about slowing down in order to speed up, and this episode was inspired by a conversation that I had recently with one of my beautiful clients who has decided to pause dating to actively focus on her relationship with herself. And this is something that I have spoken about and touched on in previous episodes. It is so important because what I see happening with too many people all the time is this approach to dating and wanting to find your person where you just become a bit of a serial data. It's one after the other, after the other, after the other, because. You are, for lack of a better word, so desperate or keen to find your person and to get into a committed relationship that you feel like if you slow down or if you take a break from dating, you're going to miss out. Do you know what I mean? Do you feel that? Like, have you ever had that feeling before where you think, no, I just need to keep pushing, I need to keep persevering, I need to keep putting myself out there because what if I don't and then I miss out on having met this incredible person, or, oh my God, there's all these matches on the dating apps, and if I don't swipe right and match with them and, and take them up on their offers to go on dates, then I'm gonna miss out. I'm sure they're gonna miss my person. Now, this is a super common way to feel about dating, especially for the majority of my listeners and my audience here. We are all around that time in our life where having a secure, committed, long-term relationship is pretty important to us. Maybe for some of you, it's the most important thing in your life right now is finding that partner. Maybe for some of you, it's not the top of the priority list, but it's certainly something that you are thinking about more and more. Maybe you want to start a family with that person, and if you're a woman, that obviously comes with certain biological factors that we need to take into consideration. If, if having children is important to you and. What I see happening is when we are in this loop of dating, dating, dating, dating without really ever pausing and taking stock, we are missing cr crucial information about ourselves and about the types of people we are attracting, and we are repeating unhealthy patterns. Repeating patterns that are not serving us, and continuing to end up in a situation where we feel not good enough, where your confidence has taken a hit where maybe you're exhausted or even a bit burnt out from dating, or even worse, you're starting to resent it and. Resenting dating whilst dating is not hot. That energy is never gonna come off well because you almost start to, you, you know, you start to meet people and straight away you are like, well, are you, are you, are you gonna fucking date me or are you just gonna disappoint me? You know? And it doesn't leave any room for a connection to evolve and unfold organically. And so. We need to interrupt this cycle and slow down in order to speed up. So if this is you, if you find yourself rushing through person after person and you're trying to find the one, but you're not getting the results that you want, then this episode is for you. So my friends, let's dive in. So today we're talking about slowing down to speed up in dating, not metaphorically. Literally because so many of you are moving so fast, jumping from person to person convinced that if you stop even for a moment. You'll fall behind and miss your chance. And I get that fear, like truly I understand it. When I was anxiously attached and terrified of being alone, dating quickly felt like momentum. It felt like progress or relief, if you will. And it just made me feel like I was doing the work, I was putting myself out there. I was getting to know different people, but in reality. Looking back, I can see now that what I was doing was just distracting myself from the discomfort of being with myself. Maybe you feel that maybe that hits home for you. When I even say stop dating, if I say that to you right now, you're gonna stop dating for six months. What is the physical reaction in your body if your entire body seizes up? If you feel so uncomfortable, then that's usually a good sign that this is something you need to pay attention to. Because anytime we have a strong, visceral reaction like that, it means that that thing has control over you. You don't have control over it. Okay, so fast. In dating is usually your anxiety in motion. So when you think about anxiety in the body, it's a very fluttery feeling, isn't it? It's quite fast. Like your heart rate's going, your breathing is shallow. Maybe you have lots of flighty thoughts spinning around your head. So instead of. Uh, actually just facing that anxiety and, and understanding where it's coming from and processing it. It's like we're taking that and we are just fueling it into dating. We are trying to move that anxiety through motion, through the conversations, through dating people. Because when you are sprinting in a way, like when you're moving through dating very quickly, you're not. Actually thinking about who is compatible with you. You're just thinking about how to relieve the discomfort of uncertainty. And when you date like that, you end up in the same patterns over and over again. So here's the paradox. When you slow down, you actually speed up the timeline to meeting your person because when you pause. When you reflect and take time to focus on you, you become a woman who can actually choose. Well. Now how does this happen? It happens because you become more grounded. You're grounded because you actually face whatever it is that's going on underneath the surface that you feel you have to run away from through dating. So you're facing it, you're processing it. You become discerning. Because you've taken a step back and you can see more clearly what was actually going on in your dating life and the types of people you were dating. So when we have clarity, we can be more discerning and you become more secure. You become the secure woman or person who naturally attracts a secure partner because like attracts like. So the slowing down isn't you falling behind. I really need you to hear that. Because I know that is such a fear for many of you. It is not you falling behind. It's you getting into alignment so that when someone emotionally available arrives who is compatible with you, you can recognize it instead of sabotaging it. So let's cover some steps on how you can execute this. The first step in the process is getting out of all or nothing thinking. So you don't need to go from dating five people a week to just disappearing off the face of the earth for six months. Okay? It doesn't have to be extreme. You can stay open and, I mean, in some cases. In some cases, I do recommend kind of going cold Turkey. Like for example, my client who is in peacefully attached, we decided, or I helped her to decide that for her specific situation and where she's at now, would be a good time to take a full break from dating and focus solely on her relationship with herself for two reasons. Number one, because she's in the. The throes of her anxious attachment, and we need to build up her self trust before she can get back into dating and really trust that she's not gonna repeat bad patterns. And number two, she has made an an investment into herself to get support and coaching and guidance on this exact thing in her life. And so we said, let's remove all distractions so you can give this 100% of your focus and your attention and really get the most out of your investment. So in some cases, if this is something you're working on, um, and you've made an investment, then potentially. If you feel it's aligned, it could be a good time to take a break. I know that I did when I was first healing my anxious attachment. I knew that I wouldn't be able to date without getting attached to the wrong people. So I decided for myself that I was gonna take a full on break from dating to work on my wounds and my patterns. But this is not always the case. You don't have to do this. You can stay open while being intentional. Okay, and this means spending less time on the apps. So maybe you're someone who you are checking the dating apps 15 times a day. Like any spare moment you have, you are on there, swiping, swiping, chatting, chatting. Let's slow that down. Let's decrease it. Maybe you check it once in the morning and once in the evening, and you're on there for 20 to 30 minutes maximum. Maybe it's once a day. Okay. Can you slow it down? And then in that time where you are noticing the urges or the impulse to go on there, that is your work there. What am I trying to avoid by giving into this urge? Okay. You can date slower. Take your time before trying to rush into something exclusive with someone. You don't need to rush. You can take time to observe someone before you actually get emotionally invested. And this is especially important for my anxiously attached people listening. We want to take more time to observe the way people are treating us, the way that we feel with them, who they really are, okay, not just who they say they are before getting emotionally invested. You can have space in your calendar to genuinely reflect and ask yourself, how's it going with this person that I'm dating or these people? What do I like about them? What do I not like? Okay. Have time to reflect because growth happens in the nuance in noticing the subtle differences and the changes not in the extremes. Okay. The second step is evaluating your patterns with honesty. And I told you that this is for people who are, you're really ready to face yourself here. What's not working? What has changed in the last, let's say, three months? What do you repeatedly, oh, sorry. Where do you repeatedly end up dysregulated, anxious, or disappointed? We need to look at what's been going on. And I usually refer to this as data in dating.'cause I sometimes tell my clients to date like a scientist, where we need to look at the data to understand how we are getting certain results. This is one of the first things that I have my clients do inside, peacefully attached. We do a really in-depth evaluation of your patterns, both within yourself and also the patterns of your partners and the people that you've been dating. We want to get clear on, okay, you have this perpetual pattern that's been looping for years and years and years. What's really going on? What is causing this pattern to repeat? Because. When we don't take time to stop and reflect and we just keep dating, we are becoming the living embodiment of insanity, which is the definition of that, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Okay? And I'm calling you out here and I call you out with love, but if you are doing this, it's no wonder you are frustrated. No wonder you are banging your head against a wall asking, why the hell do I keep attracting these emotionally unavailable avoidant people? Or why do I always attract people who have these wounds and I feel like I need to fix them, I need to save them, and then I'll be lovable, and then I'll be loved, but I never am. Okay, so slowing down gives you the ability to finally see your patterns more clearly. When you're constantly in motion, you're just way too close to your own behavior to understand it, and slowing down gives you that ability to reflect. The third step is radical responsibility, not self blame, not beating yourself up. But responsibility simply means if I don't like my results, I can change my behavior. The word responsibility, like when you break it down, it's the ability to respond. And you might have heard people say, oh, take responsibility, take radical responsibility. And it feels heavy. It feels like something we don't wanna do. But when you, when you take radical responsibility, what it actually means is. You have reached a point where you go, okay, enough is enough. No one is coming to save me. No one is coming to do the work for me. Only I can do this. And when you reach that point, and you know that point I'm talking about, when you just get that fucking fire in your belly, it reconnects you to your power because suddenly it's not. Oh my God. I hope, I hope someone finally treats me well. It's, I get to decide who I allow into my life. It's not, oh, I hope I don't, I hope I don't date the same kinds of people. I hope I don't repeat the same patterns. It's, I am deciding that I am not going to repeat these patterns. It's not happening anymore. I'm putting a stop to it and I'm gonna do the work to ensure that happens. No matter what it takes. You feel the difference in energy there, where one is you haven't actually taken responsibility, you're just hoping things are gonna change, and one is no. You are taking your life by the balls and you are gonna make sure it changes. It takes. More energy. I swear it takes more energy to avoid taking responsibility than it does to actually just do do the thing. You know? You know when you're just avoiding the problem that you know you need to look at over and over and over again, it's so draining. But when you just decide that, no, I am responsible for this and I do have the power within me and I have the capability and I'm gonna fucking do something about it, it actually energizes you. It doesn't take energy from you. It gives you energy. I can think of every chapter in my life, every powerful moment where I made a decision to drastically change something in my life. It came from taking radical responsibility. I can clearly see the lead up to each decision where I was definitely in victim mentality. I was wanting to blame other people for my problems. I was wanting to, say Woe is me. Life is so hard, why can't I do this? Because it's easier to do that. Well, at least you think it is because it means you don't have to get off your ass and do something about it. But then I can also see the distinct point where I just knew I didn't wanna do that anymore. I didn't wanna be that person anymore'cause it wasn't feeling good. And so I decided to take responsibility and the chain reaction that happens from that moment when you make that decision is huge. You start showing up differently. You stop tolerating the shit that you used to tolerate your standards increase. You just genuinely become a different person. So that is a third step taking radical responsibility. The fourth step, which sort of ties into number three, is changing your behavior when new insights land. Okay? Most people have great awareness, at least most people in my world, they have some idea of their patterns. They know what they tend to do, but then they take no new action awareness. Without behavior change, it's just intellectual entertainment. It makes you feel good because you think you're doing something about it by the fact, the simple fact that you're aware of it. But if we aren't taking different actions, we're not gonna get different results. So when your body gives you that little nudge, like yeah, we rush into things. We need to take that hint, take that nudge, take it seriously, and commit to the shift. This is probably the one piece that most people avoid and don't do. They don't commit to the shift. They love to talk about how they're reading all this stuff. They're learning all this stuff about, relationships and dating, and they're so excited to change. They're gonna do all these things, but then when it comes down to the moment of having the option to rush into something again, or not, they're not committing to the shift. They're just diverting back to what is familiar and what feels good in the short term. So don't waste the insights that you get from slowing down and taking time to reflect. Use those insights to iterate your approach to dating and take new action. And with that comes our final step, the fifth step, which is get support. Okay. Because. Committing to the shift and taking new action can be really uncomfortable. It's the reason why so many people divert back to what they've always done because the discomfort is really challenging. So get support. Get support from someone who can help hold you accountable to doing the things that you said you were going to do. It's just far too easy to. Hide and not do the things we say we're gonna do when no one's looking. Okay? So if you haven't built up that self-reliance and self-trust, especially in dating where you know you will follow through on your word to yourself, borrow someone else's belief in you. That is the best thing about having a coach is I believe in your ability to change. I can see that version of you and I will hold you accountable to that version of you. The other reason you need to get support is because you can't see your blind spots on your own. You need another person's perspective to point out patterns that you are too emotionally attached to. So a coach, a mentor, a trusted friend, someone who is willing to lovingly call you forward, that matters. When someone who knows this work sees your blind spots, they're gonna be able to show you the exact moment where you are leaking your power or you're abandoning yourself. Okay? And that level of visibility is what creates change drastically faster than when you stay in your own echo chamber or in your comfort zone, in your little warm bubble of comfort. And not only is it that. Having a coach, we're going to see your blind spots. But the other thing that is key is we are not emotionally attached to the problem. So I always say to my clients, when your emotions are high, your intelligence is low. And vice versa. When our intelligence is high, we are often very grounded, so our emotions are neutral and regulated. So when you are in a state of being very emotionally charged, you're usually not going to make the best decisions or think very clearly, and that's why having someone outside of you who is invested in your personal development and your growth, but is not emotionally attached to the problem is so vital. Because they're gonna be able to show you new ways of approaching that problem, show you new solutions that you may not be able to see because your emotion is clouding your judgment. And this is why when people come and work with a coach, their transformation is so rapid. Okay? It's different to therapy where we are sitting and just. Talking about the past a lot, where, you know, digging down into where this comes from and why it's there, and yes, we do do it. We do that in coaching, but it is more action oriented. It is more future focused. It is getting you to move so that you can create different results. When I look at the biggest leaps I ever made in my own. Dating life in my own attachment healing. They came from the seasons where I slowed down the seasons where I wasn't filling every gap in my schedule with dating or seeking or searching the seasons where my energy was invested into becoming a secure woman, into becoming the version of me who I was so proud of. Who I admired and respected, who I trusted, and that only comes from pouring into yourself and recognizing the parts of you that you have not been paying attention to, not chasing validation or being hooked on the potential of someone or like how good the relationship could be with them. And certainly you're not trying to get there faster. But slowing down and actually paying attention to what was going on in my life and within myself, listening to myself, and most importantly, choosing myself. When you choose yourself and you prioritize yourself dating, it changes almost without you having to do anything. The problem is when we are trying to change the external so much, but we are not paying attention to the internal, the external is like the iceberg analogy. It's that tip at the top and you think that's what matters. But really it's what's underneath the water where the bulk of the iceberg is. That's where we need to be paying attention, and I want you to know you are not behind. Your person is not going to vanish because you took a few months to deepen your relationship with yourself. Your timeline is not in danger, and you don't need to rush in order to protect your future. The rushing is actually the very thing that has been slowing you down, and as I always say, what's meant for you will not miss you. Allow yourself to soften into that knowing. All allow yourself to feel safe in that, that what is meant for you in this life, the person that is meant for you is not going to miss you. So if you're listening to this and you know you've been in that anxious, busy, frantic, dating energy, consider this episode your permission slip to slow down, not to give up, or quit, or never date again. But just to create the kind of internal clarity and emotional stability that makes you magnetic to someone who is truly available. Slowing down is not self-sabotage. Slowing down is the strategy. When we don't slow down, that's sabotage. Slowing down is going to help you choose better partners. It's going to help you know what you want. It's going to help you become the person who isn't afraid to say no to anything less than what you deeply desire, because this space in the slowing down is where you truly meet yourself maybe for the first time ever. And although it may sound weird, I, I'm telling you, this is what collapses time. This slowing down to speed. Up because it brings you into alignment with the person who is genuinely meant for you. Alright, my friends, that is all I have for you today. If this resonated with you, I would love to hear about it. Send me a DM over on Instagram, and thank you as always for being here as a part of the Secure Love Club community. I hope you have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.