Ep #42: The Real Secret To Becoming Secure (that no one talks about)

In this episode, I’m talking about something that almost nobody in the anxious attachment / healing space is talking about enough… and yet it’s one of THE most important pieces of what actually gets you secure results.
Consistency. Not perfection. Not being “fixed.” Not never slipping up. Consistency.

Because the truth is, you will have setbacks on this journey. You will have moments where your old patterns pull you back in. You will have moments of self-sabotage. And THIS is where most people opt out, collapse, shame spiral… and change the goal entirely instead of changing the behaviour. But the women who become secure? They learn how to stay with themselves THROUGH the setbacks, and because of that, they keep moving forward and they get the result.

Today, I’m breaking this down with real examples, real scenarios, real mindset shifts, and the exact questions you need to ask yourself to get yourself back on the horse and moving toward the version of you who actually gets the love she desires.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:
• Why your brain tries to convince you to change the goal instead of changing your behaviour
• How setbacks are a NORMAL part of the journey — not a sign you’re failing
• What separates the people who get secure results from the ones who don’t
• How to stop making slip-ups mean something about your worth
• How to start building the kind of self-trust that becomes unshakeable in relationships

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

INTEGRATE MASTERCLASS REPLAY
This was supposed to be a one-time event, but honestly… it was too powerful not to share. Get the replay & watch the 90min experience here: https://www.mimiwatt.com/integrate-masterclass-replay-opt-in 

MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA
Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) over on Instagram HERE!

Got something you'd love me to record an episode on? DM me and let me know!

Transcript

0:00

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi. What. Hey friends. Welcome back to the Club. How are you? I hope you're doing well. I have had actually a little bit of a cold the last few days after a big week last week, but I'm in good spirits nonetheless, because on Thursday last week, we hosted the integrate Masterclass, which you would've had me talk about in last week's episode, and it just went. So well, we had over 155 people register for this masterclass. And those of you who showed up live, I wanna say a big thank you to you because you truly made it what it was. There was such an electric energy in the room. And you were so engaged and just really with me, like vibing throughout the entire masterclass, and there were so many aha moments and breakthroughs that came from that training. What we covered in the training was what happens when you self abandon in dating and relationships. What does it tangibly look like? We covered the top 10 ways that you are self abandoning, that some of them are quite sneaky, that you may not have realized. We went into why this happened. So why does your secure self leave the building when you meet someone you like despite all the work that you've done? And then. How to stay secure, grounded and confident when you meet someone you like without changing yourself to be chosen. There was so much value in that masterclass, and I also guided everyone through a really powerful visualization exercise that not just showed you what it looks like when you are self abandoning versus staying true to yourself, but what it. Feels like in your body because this is the key with integration. It's not about just learning more, consuming more, listening to more podcasts, although you should definitely keep listening to mine'cause it's the best reading more books and and journaling, like those things are great and they do. Contribute to becoming more secure. But the real shift doesn't happen until you are embodied in this information that you are consuming. And one of the key steps to embodying it is being able to identify what it feels like on a somatic level. In your body. And so in the masterclass, I gave everyone a taste of that. And the feedback was so powerful. Everyone was sharing in the chat, they couldn't believe how strongly they felt the difference. And one woman even said that when she experienced the second scenario where she stayed true to her secure self, that it felt more like who she really is. Which was so cool to hear because I truly believe that for all of you in my community, for you listening, you know what you deserve in a relationship. Like your standards are there and you act, you know you are worthy of it, but there's just some conditioning that we need to work through and patterns that we need to rewire before you can access her. And so this was a powerful moment for this woman, and I'm sure many others of you. Where it was like you were able to pierce that veil and access your true personality, your true essence, and the version of you who doesn't self abandon in relationships. Now, initially this was going to be a one-time event and there wasn't going to be a replay, but I had so many of you messaging me. Pleading me to share a replay of the masterclass and honestly, it felt rude not to because it was so powerful. So I did record the masterclass and it's not too late to access it. I'm going to leave the link in the show notes below for you to sign up and get immediate access. To the masterclass, to this powerful 90 minute experience called integrate. I know you're going to get so much from it, and I also share. A deeper side to my personal journey and my story of how I came to be here today as a relationship coach and what my journey really looked like from anxious to secure, and the ways that I used to really self abandon and how I healed that. And found my way back to my authentic self. So I'm really excited for you to immerse into that and get yourself up to speed with everyone else who has already immersed in the magic. In today's episode, we are going to talk about one of the secret ingredients to becoming your most secure self in dating and relationships that I don't think is spoken about enough. It is one of those things that's kind of hiding in plain sight. Like you may not think about it too much, but it is absolutely essential if you truly want to break out of your anxious dating patterns for good. And that my friends, is staying consistent in your practices and in using the tools. To shift at out of anxious attachment into secure attachment. I'm talking about this because there seems to be this sort of illusion going around maybe in the, in the coaching space or the relationship coaching space that points to the idea. That as you start working on your attachment wounds and becoming more secure, that it's just gonna be this smooth ride without bumps or setbacks or self-sabotage. Or this idea that you start to become secure and then from that point you will never divert back. it really trips people up because it's sort of just giving you a false sense of security that can end up making you self-sabotage even more when you do slip up because. It's so inevitable that you're going to have setbacks into your old anxious patterns. It's just the way that it is. And unless we mentally prepare for those setbacks to happen, it's going to be much harder to stay consistent and get back on the horse, so to speak. So that's what we're gonna talk about today and. It's going to be extremely valuable for you, whether you've been on this journey for a while or you are at the beginning of your journey, this is going to massively impact and contribute to your ability to reach your goals in dating and relationships. So, without further ado, let's dive in. Consistency is one of those secret ingredients that applies to so many different areas of life. We all know that feeling. When we get excited because we're about to embark on a new adventure, we're going to do something for ourselves. Maybe it's you get really motivated that you're gonna start going to the gym and you wanna get fit and get in shape, and so you go out and you. Buy all this new active wear and you buy yourself a new drink bottle and maybe you even spend$80 on protein powder and you're all amped up to do it. It, but then three days in the novelty wears off and you forget why the fuck you even signed up to do this in the first place, and you're like, I don't want to do it. Or maybe you decide that you wanna start your own online business and you are all excited. You're like telling all your friends and family. You're like, yes, I'm gonna do this thing, or I'm gonna start being a content creator, or I wanna be a coach too, and I'm gonna start creating content and I'm gonna. Build my own program and start putting things out there. You're getting all excited. Maybe you buy a little microphone, you buy a camera, you get a tripod, and you spend a couple of weeks creating and posting content and it's crickets. You realize it's only 40 of your friends and family following you, and you're not getting any engagement. You're not getting any new followers, and you start to. Wonder again, why the heck did I sign up to do this? This is so hard. Nothing's happening. I'm just gonna quit. Or maybe it's just learning a new skill, like maybe it's learning a new language and you tell yourself, okay, I'm gonna become fluent in Italian because how cool is that? And then I can, show off to everyone and speak Italian at Italian restaurants and just be really cool. And so you download lingo. You start practicing every day for 10 minutes a day, and after two weeks, you're still fumbling over your words and you can't say things right, and you can't roll your tongue and roll your eyes, and then you say, oh, fuck this. I don't know why I'm even doing this. Like, it's not like I'm gonna Italy anytime soon, so I'm just gonna, I'm not gonna do this now. I'm gonna put it off and wait till I'm ready to travel and then I'll pick it up again. Now, I wonder as I'm saying this, if you can recognize this pattern in yourself, in what areas of your life have you started something, become really excited about it, told everyone you're gonna do it, and in the moment you realize it's not gonna be that easy or there's a setback, you instead of adjusting your attitude or your mindset towards that initial goal. You just change the goal altogether, or you just delete the goal. You either tell yourself, oh, no, no, no, it's not, it's not, um, YouTube that I should be on. It's just Instagram or, oh, you know, I don't actually need to build muscle. I'm just gonna go for walks and I'm just gonna focus on moving my body. You change the goal. And it's such a sneaky thing that our brain does because it feels so valid, or maybe it's with your anxious attachment and dating and getting out there, you get all excited and then you realize it's challenging. And so you go, you know what? I don't need to focus on this right now. I don't need to date. I'm just gonna focus on me. I'm just gonna be single and. That's gonna be fine because when I'm single, I'm not triggered. I'm not activated. And honestly, my life's pretty good. And you buy your own bullshit. Okay? Now I'm calling you out on this because I love you and because I care about you and I can say all of this because I've done all of this. Trust me, I have done the self-sabotage game. I know what it looks like, and I also know. That it's never going to get you the result that you want. Anything meaningful that is created in your life doesn't come from you being the best at that certain thing, right? I know we have this perception of other people and their success when we look at the goals they've achieved, whether it's the six pack abs or the thriving business, or the beautiful dream relationship. The money in the bank and we think, oh, well they can have it because they're beautiful. They can have it because they're smarter than me. They're a better communicator than I am. They are just more charismatic. They are X, Y, Z, insert whatever it is that you think that person has, whatever quality or attribute you think they have that you don't, that therefore they can be successful and you can't. It's not true. I'll tell you what all of those people have in common. The one thing that I can guarantee you they have in common is they stayed consistent and they didn't give up. That is it because. When you stick at something for long enough, what's going to happen is you are definitely gonna have lots of fails, but if you keep going, you're gonna learn from those failures if you have a growth mindset, right? That's, we do need to look at, okay, what's not working here? How can I learn from this mistake? Why did I self-sabotage there? What was I thinking? What was going on in my mind there? But if you don't let that setback and self-sabotage stop you or make it mean that you are a failure, that you can't do this, that you are not good enough. If you don't do that and you choose to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and say, okay, I fucked up. But I'm gonna keep moving forward anyway. You are going to learn so much more and grow so much more than if you never get back up again. This happened recently for one of my beautiful clients in inside peacefully attached. She, she joined the program with some. Caution. She was definitely, there was some seeds of doubt, some fear that, you know, what if I can't follow through? What if this doesn't work for me? What if I, give up or I fail like I always do. She had this self-limiting belief and I guided her. Through that conversation so that she eventually, mustered up enough courage and enough belief to say yes to investing in herself. Because I knew she wanted to do this work and she knew she wanted to do it, but there was just a bit of work we needed to get her over the line. And she did. And she was doing so well in the program, and she still is, but she had a little relapse, a little moment of self-sabotage where she did something that. After she had done it, she massively regretted. Okay. And you know what I'm talking about, like we've all had these moments of slipups where we, maybe it's we reach out to an ex who we know isn't good for us or. We say yes to hooking up with that person who we know is probably a bit toxic or we know is gonna maybe deviate us from our path of focus. But we do it anyway because in the moment where we're used to giving in to what feels really good in the short term, and we disregard the consequences or the implications that that is going to have on us in the the long run or. The next day and we throw caution to the wind, and this is really common for those with an anxious attachment style. I really want to reiterate that it's not your fault that this is happening when you have an anxious attachment style. You are living in the world in a way where you are always scanning for how to get more. Love and attention and validation because you are operating from a deficit. That's at the core of an anxious attachment style is we have a deficit of those emotional core needs being met in early childhood or in our early life. And because we didn't learn how to meet those for ourselves, we are then hypervigilant in trying to get it from those outside of ourselves. It does make it more tempting to, or it makes it more challenging to stay consistent with choosing the secure path when you are on this journey and when you are in this place of vulnerability where you haven't yet built up a lot of resilience or a lot of self trust that you can stay true to your word. And so my beautiful client came to me and shared with me the ways that she had self-sabotaged her progress, and she was really hard on herself, like really beating herself up. So disappointed, feeling as though she wasn't sure how she could move forward from this, and almost using it to prove her negative self-talk or her limiting beliefs to be true. You know, saying things like, see, I knew this was gonna happen. I knew you would do this. I knew you would fail at this. I can't do anything, right? I don't have respect for myself. And what I said to her was that, first of all, I hold zero judgment over your actions, and I'm proud of you for voicing this to me whilst you're feeling shame about it. Because the quickest way to extinguish shame. Is to talk about it and bring it into the light. And that's why being in a coaching container dedicated to supporting your you on your anxious to secure journey is so invaluable because it is a safe space for you to talk about and navigate and explore these moments of self-sabotage and these setbacks without judgment. We hold so much shame around our anxious patterns in dating with an anxious attachment, and one of the most healing things you can do is put yourself in a space where it's safe to talk about these things with without judgment, without anyone else putting you down or making you feel like. You are weak, you are crazy. You just don't have any willpower. Like you're stupid for going back to these people. No, no, no, no, no. We don't do that in my space. So I said to her, thank you for airing it out and talking about it with me. And what I said to her was that often times on a healing journey like this, we will default back into old patterns because our nervous system is trying to keep us safe. And safety is found in the familiar. Uh, even if the familiar is misaligned and quote unquote unhealthy, it can take a number of times of reverting back before we finally learn the lesson our soul needs us to learn. And I said, have you ever heard the expression of when there's a lesson we need to learn, the universe will throw a pebble at us trying to get our attention. So maybe this looks like that intuitive nudge that your body sends you. Those little niggles, those little whispers that's telling you something isn't right or someone's not good for you, but you ignore it.'cause you tell yourself, oh no, it's fine. It's nothing. Everything's good. It'll get better. Yeah, and then when you ignore it, the universe will eventually throw a rock at you. So maybe something a bit more obvious happens, something that is showing you, there's definitely a problem here. This is definitely a red flag. We shouldn't be in this situation. But you ignore it again, and then eventually the universe throws a giant boulder at you. Something that feels like an absolute wrecking ball. And for most people, it's only when the Boulder hits us that we finally pay attention. And I said to her, could this be your boulder? Could this be the thing that had to happen for you to realize that you don't want this reality anymore and you're finally ready to change? What I also said to her, and what I wanna say to you if you are in this position right now, is that you are not a hopeless case. You're a human facing, real human things. And I said, you don't hate yourself. You hate the way your actions made you feel about yourself. And I know it's hard, but can you try and look at this situation with gratitude as stifling and ironic as that may sound because. It's part of your journey, and ironically, maybe this has given you the clarity you needed to know how to move forward as the evolved version of yourself. When you have a setback, don't make it mean you're failing. Don't make it mean you can't do this, or you're not meant to do this for whatever, not just in relationships, but for whatever it is that your heart wants to pursue. If you are feeling drawn to something, maybe it's a certain type of business you want to start or ex expressing yourself creatively online or investing in a certain program, or I don't know, whatever goal you're feeling aligned to with and drawn towards a hundred percent, you're gonna experience challenges. It's part of the journey because if it were easy and smooth, everyone would do it, and everyone would have that outcome that you crave. So can you just anticipate the setbacks, anticipate that they're part of the journey, know that they're coming so that when they do arrive, instead of saying, fuck, I've just hit a giant wall, I'm a failure. You can say, ah, this is what Mimi was talking about. This is that setback. This is that challenge. This is the invitation to evolve. Into the next version of myself. This is the opportunity for me to expand beyond the current comfort zone that I've been living in. Maybe this is happening for me, not to me. Some other questions that I gave my client to journal on, to reflect on, to help move through this setback. I'm gonna give them to you as well. The first question is, how can I be compassionate and understanding with myself rather than putting myself down? This is really important because maybe. Using the strategy of being extremely hard on yourself and putting yourself down gritting your way through life has worked for a period of time, but how's that really working out for you? Like how's that feeling for you? Probably not very good, and I've also been there, done that, so I know that it's not sustainable. And you were gonna get yourself so much further in life if you have compassion and understanding with yourself for the ways that, again, you're a real fucking human living, a human experience. It's not meant to be easy to, how can you have compassion and understanding? Even if in your eyes you have had a setback that feels like you can never come back from it. Trust me, I have been there. I have done things where I genuinely thought, I cannot come back from this. I can't. But guess what I did. I have every time, and so will you. So be compassionate and understanding just the same way you would with your own child or with a young child who made a mistake or did something that they regret and they were being really hard on themselves. What would you say to them? How would you nurture and support them to get back on track, dust themselves off and keep moving forward? Would you berate them and scream at them and yell at them? No. You would be kind and compassionate and empathetic and firm, but in a kind way. The next question was, what did I learn from the events of last week? Or for you, what did I learn from this setback? What were the choices I made and the action that I took that led me to this outcome. We wanna get clear on what we did and why, so we can understand it and say, okay, what did I learn from that? As in, what am I gonna, what would I not do again? And this leads into the next question, what will I do differently next time to create a different outcome? That I can be proud of. Let me say that again. What will I do differently next time to create a different outcome that I can be proud of? So this ties into are you learning from your mistakes? Are you assessing the situation and asking yourself what you're gonna do differently next time to create a better outcome? Remember. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This is the same for, let's say like a personal example with running a business. If I am noticing myself getting really burnt out, I have to stop and say, okay, what's going on here? What has, what have I done in the last few weeks that have led me to feeling burnt out or feeling like I'm, I am at absolute capacity and it's not feeling good. What is that? Okay, I'm late to get things done in time, so therefore I'm overly stressed. What am I gonna do differently to create a different outcome? I'm gonna plan my time better. I'm gonna look ahead at what needs to be done. I'm gonna anticipate where I might trip up. I'm gonna anticipate where I might need more time than I think I do, and I'm gonna plan for it. I'm gonna set myself up for success. So look at your individual situation and ask, what would I do differently next time to ensure that I do not create the same result, but I do something different that I can really be proud of? The final question is, and this might be challenging at first, your brain might wanna break and be like, what the fuck? But the question is, why did this happen for me? So let that settle in. Why did this happen for me? I know you might be thinking, Mimi, this didn't happen for me. This happened to me, motherfucker. This happened to me. But when we say that, that things happen to us, we give away our power and we go into a victim mentality. it might feel good, but it doesn't get us anywhere. So why did this happen for me? What reason did this happen and what am I learning from it? What is the value in this? Maybe this happened for me because I needed the bolder to be thrown at me by the universe, for me to finally wake up and pay attention and to get serious, more serious than I ever have about changing my situation. There we go. It happened for me, and maybe if this didn't happen, I could have kept on going about the same pattern for another two years. Because even though there's pain there, maybe it would never have gotten bad enough that I would genuinely change my ways. So therefore, all of a sudden you become grateful for that experience because it interrupted a pattern and it's allowing you to course correct now as opposed to two years in the future. I promise you that on my journey of going from anxious to secure, which started in 2020 and we are now in November, 2025, I have had many a setback and many wobbles, many moments where I thought to myself, oh my God. All the work I've done has been undone and I'm still anxiously attached. And what if I'm not actually worthy of secure love? Or what if I'm not good enough? I've had slip-ups where I have started dating someone who is emotionally unavailable, and I've gotten sucked back into that. Allure of that toxic trauma bond but. I was able to catch it much more quickly and I got right back on track and I learned from those mistakes and I kept moving forward because I decided a long time ago that I'm never going back to that version of Mimi who was riddled with anxiety and relationships, who didn't have any self trust, who had a low level of self-respect. I decided, I'm not going back. Even if you have slip ups, we are moving forward. And I have kept that promise to myself ever since, and I can tell you that five years of moving in the right direction with Slipups is gonna get you a lot further than never taking that first step or only doing it for a few weeks and then giving up because, oh, it's too hard, or because you think you shouldn't have setbacks, or it should be easier. Don't should on yourself, don't should all over yourself. Consistency, consistency, consistency is key, that is the secret to success for so many things in life is you just stay consistent. That's the way that I got to over a hundred thousand followers on Instagram. I just kept posting since 2019. I posted and I posted and I posted and for a long time to a very small audience. But what happens when you're consistent with something is all of that energy and effort you put into it. There comes a day, there comes a moment, an experience, something. Where all of that energy has been building up and compounding. And then there's this boom, whether it's a post goes viral, and all of these new people find your account and they see all these posts you've been putting out over the last few years, and all of a sudden they can't get enough and they follow you and then your personal brand grows. Or whether it's you've been putting in the work in your dating life for a few years or for six months and you've been prioritizing yourself and you've been saying no to emotionally unavailable people and you've been choosing yourself even though it's uncomfortable, even though it's hard. And then boom, you meet that person who is everything you have been waiting for and looking for. Who is a perfect match for the person you have become, thanks to your consistency. The consistency is the key, my friends. So I hope you have gotten value from this today. I know you will have look around your life and notice where you can apply this rule. Not just in your dating life, but in other areas as well. Because I promise you it is, it's not easy. This is the thing. It's simple, but it's not easy.'cause like I said earlier, if it were easy, everyone would be doing all the things and we wouldn't need any more personal development podcasts. So my friends. Stay consistent, and I would love to hear how this resonates with you or if it has shifted something in your perspective or your approach to the things that you are navigating in life right now, the areas that you're trying to grow in and develop in. I know it's gonna have such a positive impact. So you have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.