Ep #54: Stop Trying to Avoid Problems (It’s Keeping You Stuck)

In this episode, we’re talking about something we all claim we want… but secretly spend half our lives trying to avoid: problems. I’m breaking down why so many of us have developed this unconscious belief that we shouldn’t have challenges, and how that mindset actually keeps you stuck, disconnected, and living a smaller life than you’re meant for.

We dive into the difference between low-quality problems vs high-quality problems, and how shifting the way you frame your challenges can instantly change your energy, confidence, and momentum (in dating, relationships, business, and life). If you’ve been trying to “wrap yourself in cotton wool” and avoid anything that feels uncomfortable… this episode is your loving wake-up call, my love: you don’t need a problem-free life — you need better problems.

In this episode, you’ll learn:
• Why trying to eliminate all problems can actually create a bigger one: disconnection and isolation
• The truth about “life is 50/50” and why growth requires discomfort (sorry, but it’s real)
• The difference between low-quality problems (draining, dead-end energy) vs high-quality problems (expansive, empowering energy)
• How to reframe the way you talk about your challenges so you stop resisting your life and start moving forward
• Powerful questions to ask when you feel stuck so you can shift from spiralling to solving

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Transcript

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Wat. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. I am excited to be sitting down recording today because it's been a few weeks since I've been behind the mic, although it may not feel that way for you because as always, the episodes have been rolling out weekly. However, I have been taking a much needed break and rest over the Christmas period and. I just had the most beautiful wholesome week with my family away at a place called Black Haired Beach. And this was such a special trip because we used to go to Blackhead as a family for Christmas holidays when we were young. However, we haven't been there for about 22 years. And so we bought a surprise trip for our dad for his 70th birthday, and we said, we are taking you to Blackhead. And we hired a house through Airbnb. And we went there for a week and it was. One of those weeks where you feel like a kid again, in a funny way, because it was such a beach bum holiday. We weren't dressing up for anything. We weren't trying to impress anyone. It was really just ocean swims twice a day, sitting around, chatting, playing Scrabble, doing crosswords, watching a movie at night. Chatting, playing cards, laughing our faces off, and it just felt like the classic millennial family beach holiday, and it truly filled up my cup and I felt so connected to my family and we just had a really beau beautiful, positive experience together. And it was the the best way to wrap up a four week. Break seeing as the first two weeks I was sick as well with a cold, which I think I've touched on, but that's okay. So I'm feeling rejuvenated and happy to be back into work mode and reconnecting with my creativity and with all of you. In today's episode, I want to talk about a topic that has been quite prevalent in my own life and I think is going to be relevant for all of you listening We are talking about problems, which may not sound too exciting, but stay with me. You know that I always have a good angle when it comes to this stuff, and I want to talk about problems and the way that I think we as a society have. Almost grown to want to be immune to problems and feeling as though we shouldn't have any problems, and if we do have problems or challenges, something is wrong. And I have seen this play out in my own life and I've seen it play out in other people's lives, and it is quite a detrimental. Mindset to be having if we are wanting to continue to be people who want to grow and expand and evolve in our lives and in our relationships, that is what we are diving into today. We're gonna be talking about what it means to have problems, the difference between low quality problems and high quality problems, and how we can start to reframe the problems or challenges in our lives to support us and help us to move forward in the direction we want to go, rather than viewing them as something holding us back. So let's dive in. As I said, I've been thinking about this topic for a good few months now, and the idea was instigated because I was watching a training by Brooke Castillo, who's big in the coaching world, and she was talking about this topic about problems and something that she said to me or she said in the training. Really struck a chord and got me reflecting on the way that I have been living my life and viewing problems in the last 12 months. And she said, when we think that we are not supposed to have problems or challenges and we try to eliminate them completely, we end up living a very small life. Now, the reason this hit me so much is because I realized that I had been doing this unknowingly throughout the last year. I, when I came to Melbourne after living in Bali for six months, and even before that six month period, having a very difficult chapter in my life for 18 months, where there was a lot of stress, a lot of challenges, a lot of uncertainty. I think when I arrived in Melbourne, I, with my mom, I kind of went into this place of, I just want to feel like I'm wrapped in cotton wool. I want to eliminate as many problems as I possibly can, and I want to eliminate as many factors or elements in my life that I think might give me problems. And so what I can see now, looking back, that means. I was isolating myself from socializing and putting myself out there to meet new people. I have isolated myself from dating and haven't put myself out there to do that. I have been looking at where I can. Minimize effort in my business, which is not necessarily a bad thing in in a way that's kind of been a good thing because it's forced me to streamline certain systems and processes and look at what I'm doing. That could be overcomplicating things. However, what I started to realize was that the more I pushed these things away and closed myself off to them. The more time I had to myself with without disruption or anyone messing with my energy, and I thought that's what I wanted, I thought that was a good thing. But then as the months went by, I began to feel isolated and alone and sad, drained down even a bit depressed. All of these, quote unquote negative emotions started to circulate in my life. And then I realized, oh my God, in an attempt to get rid of all these problems, I have given myself one giant problem. Which is feeling disconnected from the world around me and disconnected to people and experiences and life force. I had been in resistance to problems. I had been trying to scan for problems and just eliminate them as quickly as I could. And yeah, as I said, in doing that, I essentially did wrap myself in cotton wool, but you quickly realize that even if you think that's what you want, because really our brain is designed to try and achieve that because our brain wants to, use the minimum amount of energy. Exert the least amount of effort and basically move away from pain towards pleasure. It is the, I think it's called the motivational triad. It's the way that our brain works. So if you are in a position, which I had been where you can be quite safe and you don't really have to put yourself out there and you're supported. Then your brain will find ways to do that. And I think coming out of a state of being in survival mode for so long with my nervous system being really highly strong and stressed from the challenges I was facing. I basically let my brain create this environment where I was without problems and wrapped in cotton wool. But then I realized, oh, problems don't go away. Like they just actually morph and change. Think about people who. They say, oh, I just wanna be a millionaire. I just wanna be really rich because they think that'll solve all their problems. And then you see some people who get really famous or they grow these huge businesses and they are really successful, but then they're unfulfilled. Or maybe they just worked their whole life and they. Sacrificed family and friends, and then when they have that success, they don't have anyone to share it with, right? So problems are always going to be with us in life. They are inescapable. It is part of the human experience. You can't avoid it because life is 50 50. It is generally 50% great and good positive emotions and feelings and 50%. It sucks balls and it's hard, and we need to work through these challenges, and that is how we evolve and how we grow. Now, if you are resonating with what I'm saying and you feel that you have also been trying to outrun your problems or escape them, it can feel really challenging to know how to then take the first steps to embracing problems. And working with them to move forward in your life. Because if we are not overcoming challenges and problems, we are usually staying exactly where we are. And I don't know about you, but for me, when I am stagnant, when I'm not moving forward and evolving, I feel like I am dying. And that sounds dramatic, but it's true. As humans, we need to be evolving and growing. And there is that saying, I think it says, if you're not growing, you're dying. And so we do need to have an approach where we can look at problems in a way that we feel activated, we feel inspired, and we feel energized to want to move towards them Now. I think that's the, the first step in this is the normalizing of problems, as we've said, and knowing that they're gonna be there all the time. I can't tell you, I feel resistance all the time. I feel resistance around so many parts of my day. I feel resistance around getting up at 6:00 AM and going to the gym. I feel resistance to sitting down to record these podcast episodes. It's not that I don't love my podcasts and connecting with you, but there's a certain amount of mental and physical effort that I know I'm going to need to exert when it comes to. Sitting down thinking about what I want to say and recording this podcast, editing it, putting it out. There's resistance towards creating content. There's resistance towards doing taxes towards, I don't know, just washing your hair sometimes like there's always gonna be this mental resistance to towards what our brain perceives as problems, which usually with the way our brain works is anything that it perceives is going to require effort or discomfort. So let's normalize that because when we can normalize it, we can expect it. And when that discomfort or resistance arises, we can say, oh, this is meant to be here. Something hasn't gone wrong. This is okay. I don't need to not do this thing because I'm feeling this resistance. And as my therapist said to me recently, you don't need to feel good. In order to be able to do something right, you don't need to feel good In order to be able to do something, you can actually rely instead of your emotions and feelings to be able to do something, you can rely on your competency. Competency being, you know that you have the ability to do said task because you've done it before. Or if you haven't done the task, you can look at, okay, well what are other situations where I've needed to get outside my comfort zone and I have done it successfully and achieved that new task? Okay, if I did that there. I can do that here. I can transfer the ability to muster up the energy and the courage to overcome this hurdle. So normalize that, the prompt to step two, which is what Brooke was sharing, which is around low quality problems versus high quality problems. Now most of us are going about our life. With a huge bucket of low quality problems. And now what does this mean? It essentially means that you are framing your problems and talking about them in a way that does nothing for activating energy and excitement to want to tackle it. So, for example. If I said, uh, let's just say taking, uh, recording this podcast as an example, if I said, oh, I have to sit down and record a podcast episode. Like you can feel the energy in that, right? It's flat, it's heavy, it's dull. And the things that we say to ourselves, the thoughts that we have are really important to pay attention to because our thoughts are going to determine our feelings. So what feelings does that sentence evoke for me? If I said, Ugh, I have to sit down and record a podcast. I feel heavy. Drained. Resistant. Okay, so then our actions, so what we do or don't do is driven by our emotions. So if I'm feeling drained and resistant and I don't want to, like I feel heavy, then what action am I going to want to take? Am I going to want to sit down to record a podcast? No. I'm gonna wanna sit on my ass and scroll on Instagram and numb out just the way we work. And then with our actions, we then get our results. Yeah. So what we do or don't do is gonna give us a certain outcome or result. So if I'm feeling drained and heavy, I then don't record the podcast and I sit on my ASRS and scroll. The result is I don't have an episode recorded. Therefore that's only prolonging the problem and it's going to increase my stress over the next few days, the next week,'cause I know that task still needs to be done. So think about a challenge you are facing in your life right now. Maybe it's a certain obligation, maybe it's a boundary you need to set in your relationship. Maybe it's wanting to feel healthy and fit again and get into shape. How are you currently talking about that problem? How are you framing it in your mind? Are you using words like have to. Should need to. And if you are, how does that feel in your body? What are the emotions that that language is evoking for you? And then if you look back over however long you've been holding onto this problem without actually solving it or moving through it, what are the actions you've been taking or what is the inaction that's been created from those feelings and what's the result? Where are the blocks in your life because you are looking at your problems through this low quality lens. This, of course, always also applies to your relationships. We think that a healthy relationship shouldn't have any problems, but that is just not true at all. Because we are complex, dynamic people. All of us are. We all come with our own trauma, our own history, our baggage, our fears, insecurities, needs, desires, hopes. We all have these things, and it's going to take time to fully understand your partner. You're going to have certain things that you continue to argue about or you continue to disagree on. New triggers are going to arise as your relationship evolves. So the problems aren't the problem, right? It's the way that you are addressing the problems in your relationship. So if you know you have a good partner, someone who treats you right, who does good by you, who makes you feel safe emotionally, but you are having a certain problem, if there's a certain argument or something you're struggling to move through, that's okay. It doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed or that you're with the wrong person. It means how am I potentially looking at this as a low quality problem? Looking at it in a way that is just kind of like a dead end. That's how it feels when we use a low quality problem. Like, oh, I have to do this, or, Ugh, this is so annoying. Okay, it's a dead end. It's like where do you go from there? You're not moving forward, are you? So how do we make the transition into turning our problems from low quality into high quality? Now, when we think of a high quality problem, the first thing I want you to think of is seeing the problem as an opportunity. That's right, and I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me being like, oh my God, but stay with me. When we look at problems as opportunities, all of a sudden our mind expands. We open up our conscious awareness and we start to go, Ooh, well, if this is an opportunity, what can I gain from it? How can I grow from it? Think about for a moment, I want you to look back over your life, and I want you to pinpoint the most important times in your life where you grew as a person. You can probably pinpoint, maybe it was, a relationship, maybe it was being let go from your job. It was a struggle with a certain family member, whatever it was that really turned you into the person you are today in a way that you're proud of. Was that without problems or challenges? No, I guarantee you it wasn't. Because the things that really shape us, that mean the most to us in our lives usually always come or are born out of overcoming a struggle or a challenge and being greatly outside of our comfort zone. And that is when we feel energized in life. We feel like we have meaning, we have purpose, we have fulfillment, and we also have something to share with the world. Because when you overcome a big challenge or you solve a problem and you feel really good about it, you wanna go and tell other people, right? You wanna help other people. It feels good. So let's start to. With turning a problem into from low to high quality, we wanna start looking at these problems as opportunities. Now the next piece is looking at the language again, of how we are talking about them. So one simple shift, which you may have heard before, is instead of saying, I have to do this, or I need to do this, or I should, can you change it to, I get to. I get to record a podcast and share what's on my heart today. Share something I've learned recently and give value to my listeners. I get to be of service today, and whenever I am of service and I'm helping someone, and I'm giving value, I feel good. Because I'm not focused on my problems or I'm not focused on my stresses and what's maybe going wrong in my life, I feel good because giving to other people feels good, and I get to do that today. What a gift. What a gift. And then from that feel, the energy, the shift in that from what we said with the low quality problem. And for me, that evokes feelings of passion, creativity, excitement, feeling energized. And when I feel those emotions, what does it make me wanna do? It makes me want to create, it makes me want to get my big mic in front of my face and open my mouth and connect. And then what's the result of that? The result is I have an Epic podcast that is done, that I get to schedule, and I know that it's going to deliver value to my audience. It means that I'm keeping my promise to myself of uploading an episode every single week and not missing it, which makes me feel good. It makes me trust myself, have confidence in myself. You see the flow on effect, the difference. Let's say you have an issue with your partner, and maybe there is something that is a constant trigger for them. There's an activation for them and it frustrates you. Maybe your partner has a fear of being cheated on because they were cheated on and hurt in the past, and it tends to come up a bit in your relationship and you're frustrated because you would never do that to them. And you think, why can't they just see that? I would never do that to them. This is so annoying. This is so frustrating. It hurts me. That's a low quality problem because it's not actually helping to move you forward. So what if to look at this as a high quality problem? You could say, I have an opportunity here to better understand the person who I'm choosing to share this life with. I get to sit down and truly understand what they need from me to feel safe in this relationship, and I get to support them in healing these wounds that have hurt them in the past. And I get to support my partner in becoming a more secure version of themselves, and together we get to strengthen our relationship. How does that feel for me, if I think of that, it's, it's feelings of love, of connection, of a bond of care and support. And that makes me want to lean in rather than lean out. And now with relationships, of course it takes two to tango. We can't be the ones who are always trying to solve the problems or put in the effort. And if our partner is not right, it needs to be. For a healthy relationship, both people need to be wanting to work on things and move forward together and, and problem solve. However, if at the moment you're finding that you keep having this same argument and, and it's just not moving forward at all, be the person to go first. Be the leader in this moment in your relationship to reframe this as an opportunity for you both and watch your partner rise to meet you in this new energy. Some other prompts to support you in expanding your mind about how to move forward with your problems is ask yourself high quality questions that are going to get you thinking in a different way. Thinking in a way that is going to orient your mind towards finding solutions rather than staying stuck in, oh, this is just going nowhere. I have no solutions. I dunno what to do. There's nothing I can do, therefore I'm just gonna stay stuck. My problem. So some questions you can ask yourself if you're unsure of how to move forward and to support you in reframing your problem from a low quality one to a high quality one would be number one, if anything was possible. If there were no limitations in my life, how would I solve this problem? Two. What would the most secure, confident, grounded version of me do if they were faced with this problem? How would they solve it? How would they move through it? What thoughts would they have about this problem that supports them to solve it? Three, how do I want to feel about this problem? So notice that's not, how do I feel about it? How do I want to feel about this problem for how am I going to feel on the other side of having solved this problem and moved through the discomfort and expanded? How am I going to feel on the other side? Let that excite you. Let that energize you. And lastly, who do I know in my life who has been through this problem or similar before and solved it? And can I go and speak to them and get advice or get insight about how I can move through this problem too? Okay? Because you don't have to do everything alone or on your own. Networking, leaning on the people around you asking for support. Getting guidance is one of the fastest and best ways to support yourself in progressing in life in the direction you want to go. It's part of the reason why I always invest in mentorship. I've had a coach and a mentor for the last five years. Because I get to learn from their mistakes and avoid the mistakes because they pass on the lessons to me. I get to get emotional support when I'm struggling to support myself. I get answers to questions quicker than if I was doing it on my own. So ask yourself, who do I know in my life that has done this? Who has solved this problem? Who is where I want to be and what wisdom can I learn from them to apply into my life? This one shift in the way you are approaching your life is going to have a profound, drastic, and powerful impact on the results you are getting. So together, let's not try to avoid problems because remember, that creates a very small, insular life that does not have a lot of connection or meaning or purpose. We want to have. Big, full, exciting, expansive lives. So use this shift of reframing problems from low quality to high quality. Shift your state, get energized, get excited, get expanded, and move forward in the direction you want to go, because life is too precious and too short and too sweet, not too. All right, my friends. I hope you have enjoyed this episode today. Have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.