Ep #56: Dating Without Pressure: How I Stopped Making Every Date Mean Something

In this episode, I’m sharing a perspective shift on dating that honestly changed everything for me, and it came from a place I didn’t expect. After taking a break from dating, doing some deep nervous system regulation, and going on a recent date with a completely different intention, I noticed how much lighter, calmer, and more confident the whole experience felt. No pressure. No performance. No “is this my person?” spiral. Just… presence, curiosity, and connection.

We’re talking about the middle ground so many people miss in dating — between taking it too seriously and not taking it seriously enough. I break down how anxious attachment and dysregulation can make dating feel high-stakes and overwhelming, why pressure kills presence, and how approaching dates as experiences (not auditions) can completely shift your energy, confidence, and discernment.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why dating feels so heavy when your nervous system is dysregulated
• How anxious attachment turns dates into self-focused performance instead of connection
• The mindset shift that helps you show up calmer, more confident, and more present
• Why going on dates “just for the experience” can actually build self-trust and clarity
• How to gather real data about what you want (and don’t want) without attaching too fast

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA
Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) on Instagram HERE!

Transcript

0:00

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi. What. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. I hope you're having a beautiful morning. If you are listening to this in the morning or a beautiful evening or a midday, I hope you're doing really well. I have been feeling fantastic this week, and there's a few exciting life updates that I want to share with you. And the first of those is that, well, number one, our seventh intake of peacefully attached has officially begun. We actually had our welcome call yesterday, and it was so. Beautiful and amazing to welcome in another group of women into this special space and to connect with each other and to hear, you know, or to give them the chance to really share why they joined peacefully attached and what they're hoping to get out of it. And it was just, it's always such a special call that first call we, we really get to connect and get to know who we're growing with. So that was really exciting. The next update is that I made an investment yesterday into a certification for breath work, so I'm going to become a certified breath work facilitator, and I could not be more fricking excited to do this. I've recently been, oh, well, I've had a journey with breathwork for the last five years. It's sort of flowed in and out of my life, if you will. However, in the last, in more, in more recent times, I have been using breath work very intentionally for my own self-regulation and just helping my nervous system to down-regulate and come out of chronic fight or flight, which it. I would say it was in, in the last few months of last year, and it has just been absolutely profound in helping me to feel more balanced in getting me out of fight or flight so that I can actually make even more decisions and think about what I'm doing over the next six months of my life and basically take steps that I haven't been taking for the last few months that I've wanted to. These shifts happened so quickly. I'm not even kidding. Like within a week of doing breath work every single day, intentional breath work flows, stuff started to shift and. I think I just very quickly really fell in love with this modality in a way that I hadn't recognized ever before. It sort of feels like, you know, when people are best friends with someone or they're good friends with someone, and then one day they just look at them and they're like, oh my God, I'm in love with you, and it, this is sort of what that felt like. And so. I have been wanting to, for a while now to expand my horizons on the modalities and the resources that I bring to you or to my clients to really deepen their transformation even further. And. I think breathwork will be an amazing addition to, I guess, my tool belt and to the resources that I already use with my clients, and I'm just so excited. It's a, it's a 10 week certification and I'm also going to, they also host. In-person retreats in the snowy mountains in Australia. So I'm going on a four week, excuse me, four day expedition in at the beginning of May. Uh, and I'm so excited. It's like a four day, very intense breath work training, and you get to experience it all, practice facilitation, and I don't know if you even care about this as the listener, but hey, I wanna keep you in the loop in what I'm doing and what I'm excited about. So, yes, I'm doing that. I'm doing it through a company called Breathless. You may have heard of them. Another exciting update is that yesterday I realized that I just had the most successful launch, uh, of peacefully attached in my business so far. And I share that because. Being a business woman and being an entrepreneur is a really big part of who I am and what I do. And I think there are probably many of you who are who listening who are also maybe in that space of entrepreneurship or maybe you're wanting to start your own business, um, or you're already doing it and. I just think that especially as women, we need to celebrate these milestones and make it known because the more we all succeed and win, the more. It, it makes it possible for other people too as well. So that was a really gratifying moment because I have poured so much blood, sweat, and tears and passion into my business and into this work, and it's really nice, uh, to see the fruits of your labor be rewarded in more ways than one, not just in the impact that you get to make with clients, but also financially. You know, setting myself up for success in life. So I wanna celebrate that. Uh, I'm really proud of myself. And another update is that I have recently gotten back into dating. I know I've spoken about this a little bit, saying that I was going to, or I had not been dating'cause I was navigating confusion around my sexuality and all the things. But this was one of the decisions that I made. After about a week of doing breath work, I, all of a sudden it was like I had the confidence and the clarity and the courage I needed to go on a date with a woman. And so I did, and it was amazing and I had such a great time. And I, today's episode is actually talking about a, I guess, a perspective that I have, or it's been refreshed in my mind. Off the back of that date. And so I wanna talk about that today. Um, but yes, dating, I'm going on another date tonight as I record this podcast. And, oh, another update, sorry, you're just getting all the updates in one is that a little while ago in one of the episodes here, it was actually a previous life update episode. I did mention that I was considering what it would be like to move to the Gold Coast. So I'm currently in Melbourne. I'm originally from Sydney, and I'm still looking to maybe move and expand my horizons and try somewhere else that feels more aligned with the things that I value. And so this has been on my mind for, I would say a good two to three months, having this idea of like, oh, I think I want to check out the Gold Coast. Maybe it's for me, but I haven't been taking any action on it. And again, I think that has come from a place of. Dysregulation and just being stressed with work stuff, but using breath work to become more grounded and regulated. My nervous system was feeling a lot calmer, a lot safer. You know, I'm big about creating safety within yourself and from that place of safety, it was as if my mind was able to start thinking beyond just survival mode, because when we're in that chronic fight or flight survival mode, we don't. We can't actually think very far beyond that because our human brain and our nervous system is so strongly wired to prioritize survival as the number one instinct. And if our body is in a chronic state of fight or flight, it thinks we are constantly under threat. Okay, so we can't, that's why we can't see opportunities, or that's why we might be saying we want to do something for so long, but if we're dysregulated, we can't actually take the steps to do it. So within a week of breath work and deep regulation, I went on a date and I also booked flights to go to the Gold Coast in a couple of weeks, towards the end of February. Actually, as you're listening to this. It'll be next week that I'm going, and I'm really excited. I just booked a solo trip. I'm going for four days and I'm basically just gonna go have a staycation in the Gold Coast and explore the areas, check it out, and really just see if my intuition says yes or no. I think for me, envi, when I'm in certain environments or when I'm going to a new place, I can pretty quickly tell if it's in alignment with me or not. So. Yeah, I'm really excited about that. I'm gonna go and I originally was gonna go with a friend, but I just decided I'm gonna go by myself because I need to make this decision for myself. And sometimes having other people with you, you know, you can take on their biases or their opinions and it can sort of muddy the waters with what you really want. So, very excited about that. And yeah, momentum is picking up. Things are happening. It's an exciting time and I really do put it down to regulation. It's so, so important. Okay, with all of that being said, uh, today's episode, I want to talk about the perspective that came to the forefront of my mind after going on the date that I went on LA was it last week? Yeah, last week. And this is all about looking at. How we are viewing dating and are we taking it extremely seriously or are we not taking it seriously enough? And where is the middle ground in between those two ends of the spectrum, and where do we find that sweet spot where we are being intentional, but we are also not getting bogged down by heavy expectations or. Well, yeah, expectations that it has to work out right away or we have to know exactly what we want, X, Y, Z. And so this date kind of gave me insight into that, and so I just want to share what that was and how it feels and give you the opportunity to take that perspective and implement it into your life. If dating. It feels heavy if it feels scary if you are putting it off because you are putting expectation on yourself or insert any other reason. Okay, so that was quite a long introduction, but let's dive into the meat of the episode. This perspective will apply to you no matter your sexuality, your gender, your preferences, anything like that. However, I think the reason I was able to have this perspective is because specifically I had been putting off dating for quite a while because I was confused about what I'm attracted to my sexuality, things like that, and when I basically decided Enough is enough, I need to stop. Just thinking about this, I need to stop just talking about this, and I need to take action to show my brain new evidence that it is safe to go on dates. It is safe to date women to just explore and see what comes up for you. And so before I went on this date, I set the intention of I just want to do this, to have an experience. That's it. Nothing beyond it. Just to have an experience, and I set that intention because I really wanted to take all of the pressure off of any expectations that I may have been consciously or subconsciously carrying. I, I guess, being in a place where I might be moving. And my, I guess my home base is a little bit uncertain right now. It means that I'm not necessarily in a place where I am actively pursuing a committed relationship. I'm open to it on some level. Like if I met the right person and they were amazing, I could be convinced. However, I don't have super strong, uh, yet. Uh, what am I trying to say? Um, I guess I'm just not going into dating right now with the pursuit of a relationship, and so I thought, you know what? Let's just go into this to have fun. Let's just do this. To have an experience, to meet a new person, to get outside my own life, get outside my own head and thinking about myself and problems and all that stuff. Get out there and just have an experience and I can't tell you what this did for my. Mood, my energy, my confidence as I went onto this date. I know that in previous times when, before I'd done a lot of work on myself, I would often, most of the time actually probably pretty much all of the time, find myself going on dates with a lot of fear and anxiety and a certain heaviness around, are they gonna like me? What are they gonna think of me? Am I gonna be good enough for them? How's this gonna go? Like all those things, right? And when you're going into dates with that mentality. You are already putting yourself into quite a tightly wound energy, if you will, because your focus is not really on the other person and who they are and being curious and just wanting to get to know them. Your focus is on yourself. It's almost like you're putting a magnifying glass or a spotlight on yourself out of fear because you're trying to be perceived a certain way, or you really want to be chosen or you want to be good enough. And so the whole time you're on the date, you can't be fully present and in the moment and enjoy the experience because you are in your head and you are concerned about what they might be thinking about you. And so. when I went into this experience, it's, it's different than, it was a different experience than when I would had gone into dating in the past where I knew that I was ready and emotionally available for a relationship. This is different to that, so if you are in a place where you are just wanting to get back into dating after having taken a break or. You are dating, but it hasn't been feeling good. Then I through a lens of this is an experience. This is not about am I about to meet the love of my life? Are we gonna have, you know, a really strong attraction? It's not even about that. It's just about, this is a new person who I know maybe not much about, and I get to learn about what they do with their life, how they spend their time, what their interests are like, what's their sense of humor, what do they enjoy doing, and eating and drinking. And I think. When we really look at it through that lens, you gain so much from the experience because you're expanding your perspective on the world and how other people live their lives, and you get to just share in connection. That's really what this experience gave me was a few hours of really enjoyable connection because again, I wasn't focused on how I was being perceived or. If I was good enough, I genuinely shifted my perspective onto this other person, being curious, wanting to get to know them, having fun, like being lighthearted whilst also having necessary boundaries in place for myself. Like for example, I drove to this date and I knew that I was very comfortable with it just being about two hours or two and a half hours, and then I was gonna leave. Okay. And that also took the pressure off and. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe and to feel grounded, like set the boundaries for yourself that you need internally, but then when you are there, just focus on that other person and have fun with it. Having said that, I do definitely think that if you are still in the throes of anxious attachment, and maybe there's still healing work to be done. I dunno if I would necessarily recommend this right now, because whilst it's great to go and have dates just for the experience of it, we also wanna make sure that we are, we do have the, the skillset of being able to self-regulate and stay grounded and focus on connection and not just attachment. Because before we've done that work, if we are going on dates, we can very easily slip into just attaching to the first person who shows a bit of interest because we are still in a place of outsourcing validation, attention, um, feeling good enough. So making sure we have done that work or we are doing that work prior I think is very important. But. As you're doing that work or as you're evolving through it and you are becoming a little bit more confident, a bit more trusting of yourself to to be able to listen to your body and your intuition and make healthy decisions, then yeah, take on this perspective and do it for the experience because the more people that you meet and just have these engagements with the clearer you are going to become on what you like and what you don't like in people. You're going to gather so much intel on all the little nuances of relationships that are important to you. Things like how do they communicate with you before the date? After the date, how present are they? When they're on the date with you? Are they asking you questions and reciprocating that curiosity, or are you having to ask all the questions and they're just sitting back not really taking a proper interest? Noticing the types of people where you feel safe in your body and the types of people who maybe start to activate some past wounds where you can feel your anxious attachment. Rising to the surface. And then when that happens, getting really curious and using it as data for yourself to ask, okay, what do I think it is about this person that is activating this part of me? Is it something about the way they speak to me? Is it something about the consistency or lack thereof? Is it just a feeling? Right? Because sometimes or many, a lot of the times our subconscious will pick up on things that are. Just like a felt knowing, and you can't necessarily pinpoint it, but you just know this is really what dating is about. It is about getting to know what matters to you, what's important, the types of people you want to invest your energy into, and the types of people that you don't. But taking this viewpoint as you're getting into it, of. Let me just do this to have a fun experience for me to have something to share with my friends and to talk about to I. Have something to reflect on, to have something that energizes me, or maybe it doesn't energize you, but it becomes a funny story, right? Like doing this with a health in a healthy, respectful, intentional way. But I really think that applying this mentality just lightens the load when it comes to dating because there can be so much trepidation and anxiety and nerves when it comes to dating and let's just. I start to view it as I'm just getting to know someone. I'm just meeting someone for the first time, and it doesn't have to mean anything beyond that, at least for the first date. That is how I am viewing dating at the moment. To have fun, to have experiences, to meet new people, and to just add to life, to have it as. A fun, colorful outlet in life and yeah, add to the spectrum of experiences. So that's all I have for you today, but I wanted to give you that golden nugget because I'm sure there are many of you who could use this reminder, and I hope that you take it into your approach with dating and just notice the shift and notice the difference in your energy and your confidence before the date and during the date. Alright, my friends, you have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.