Ep #57: The Hard Truth About Closure After Emotionally Unavailable Relationships

This episode is for you if you’re stuck in that painful in-between place — wanting to move on with your life, heal, and become more secure… but still feeling the overwhelming urge to reach out to your ex for “closure.” Especially if that ex was emotionally unavailable or avoidant.

I’m breaking down why closure feels so elusive after anxious–avoidant relationships, why the urge to send one more message can feel unbearable, and the hard but liberating truth most people don’t want to hear: the closure you’re seeking is rarely something another person can give you. We talk about how your nervous system drives the desire to reconnect, why going back often re-opens the wound instead of healing it, and what it actually looks like to give yourself closure, even when it hurts.

In this episode, you’ll learn:
• Why closure after anxious–avoidant relationships so often feels incomplete or never-ending
• How your nervous system mistakes reaching out for “safety” and why that keeps you stuck
• Why one more conversation almost never brings the peace you’re hoping for
• The difference between short-term discomfort and long-term emotional suffering
• What real closure actually looks like and how to give it to yourself without reopening the wound

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram—I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Transcript

2:44

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the club. Today's episode is a little niche. It may not be for everyone. It's really for those of you who are seeking closure from an ex, and I'm talking specifically about those of you who are seeking closure from maybe a very avoidant ex or an emotionally unavailable ex. Someone who you had maybe a tumultuous relationship with, someone who really activated your anxious attachment system, and you find yourself grappling with wanting to move forward your life and focus on healing and becoming more secure, but also. Really wanting to just get those final words off your chest and say your piece and be heard and get that closure that you are really craving. And I completely understand how you feel if you are in this boat right now. I have absolutely been in your shoes, so I know just how challenging it feels to be in this spot when you're really. You are at this tug of war. You are standing with one foot on either side of the line. You wanna move forward, but you've, you are feeling pulled to your past. And the urge to send that message or to get that closure, whatever that looks like, is so strong. So in this episode today, I want to talk about my own experience when it comes to closure, specifically with. Exes or partners where they are pretty emotionally unavailable and it was a really push pull dynamic, but also some different perspectives, if you will, on how you can look at closure so that you can make a decision that feels best for you and really what's gonna serve you most moving forward. So. If this is you, if you're in this position, my friend, then this episode is going to be valuable and it's going to serve you. However, if you're not in this position, maybe today's episode isn't for you. Bit of a niche one, but I feel called to, to share this because there are quite a few clients that I'm working with at the moment who I know are navigating situations like this and, uh, it's an important one to cover. So with that being said. Let us dive in To kick us off, I've gone to our good old friend, the Googles. I wanted to give us a definition. For what closure really means.'cause it is quite a subjective experience. But according to a Google AI overview, it says closure in a relationship is the internal emotional process of accepting that a partnership has ended, allowing an individual to find peace, let go of lingering questions and move forward. There's something about closure that is. Ah. It's one of those things that never fully feels complete, does it? It's sort of something that always feels intangible, and I think the reason for that is when you are walking away from. A relationship, an intimate, romantic relationship, partnership with someone who you loved or love or have cared deeply about, and you have shared so many intimate moments with the nuance that comes with that is so complex that you may think that you have received closure and then you'll be moving about your life trying to move forward. And then. A week later or two weeks later, or a few weeks later, something will happen that will almost bring up another layer of yearning to have closure again. So for example, let's say you, you've had the final conversation with that ex and you've both decided, okay. Like we're moving on. This is it. We need to cut contact. We need to move forward and focus on ourselves, and I love you and thank you for everything and goodbye. Obviously not just like that, but you get what I mean. And then so you feel in that moment you've had closure and then you going about your life, and then two weeks later you bump into someone and you have a conversation that. Triggers a memory or activates something within you that you then feel the need to talk to your ex about. So again, you've opened up this desire for quote unquote closure, and then you, your brain thinks, oh my God, I need to have another conversation because I just have to, I have to answer this question, or I have to find out why they did this, or if they thought this, or whatever their intention was. And then, okay, and then I will feel good and then I'll be able to move on with my life. And I think that what's really happening in these moments is that our brain is trying to go back to the primary attachment figure in our life. The primary attachment person, which as adults, is usually that of a romantic partner, right? The attachment goes so deep, especially in anxious avoidant relationships, and so. Your nervous system is in this place of, of chronic fight or flight In stress, you are not regulated and so you're looking to run back to the person that your nervous system and your subconscious deems is going to make you feel safe, is going to make you feel okay. And so we think if I just have one more conversation, if I can just see them one more time. If I can just hear their voice one more time. If I can let like have them hear me out one more time, then everything will be okay. And I get how real that feels, because like I said, I have a bin there and I fully get it, but it's almost like this illusion that our brain creates just to manipulate us to go back to the source of external validation and comfort. It. But the ironic thing is that when this is with an avoidant ex, even when you are with that person, you are still chasing that validation and love and acceptance. Because when we have the anxious and the avoidant dynamic, you know, and I know that it is extremely hard to actually get your needs met. Your needs met, you're constantly. Feeling like you're too much. You're trying to get more than they are willing or capable of giving, and it feels like shit. It feels awful. And the really hard truth is that the sense of completion and release from that emotional bond that you are craving is rarely ever going to come from that other person. You are always going to be yearning for them to say one more thing, to validate one more thing that you're feeling and it won't end. And I have tried all the things. Trust me, I have gone through breakups with an avoidant and I've gone back and forth, back and forth, back and forth because the moment you say goodbye and you pull away, you know the instinct kicks in and it's so painful that you wanna run back to them. But then you run back to them and you realize that, oh my God, this is so dysfunctional. This doesn't work. I'm such an anxious mess. Okay, I need to end it. So we end it and it goes back and forth, back and forth. So I've done that. I have been there. I've also done the whole, you know, we care so much about each other that we can be friends and we don't have to cut contact and let's just help each other through this and let's just stay in contact and oh my God, it sounds great in theory, but in my experience that rarely ever works. Rarely, rarely, rarely. what I have found to be true is that. At some point, you just have to actually make a decision that you are going to cut contact and you are going to move forward. Even if you still feel that sense in your body of needing closure. It actually just has to come down to a point of you making the decision to accept that that feeling is there, but instead of turning to the ex. To make that feeling go away, or to soothe it, or to make it all better, you need to start taking responsibility for that feeling and focus on your own self-regulation, your own grieving, and letting go of that relationship and eventually coming into acceptance. How many times have you gone reached out to that ex or to that partner to get the answers you were hoping for? You are hoping for them to say the words that you are dying to hear, and they don't give it to you, or they let you down again, or they disappoint you. This is why closure is rarely ever properly attained through another person because you're always going to be having unmet expectations of what you wish they would say. And the reason for that is only you know, truly deep down in your heart what it is that you need to move forward. So yes, maybe there's gonna be a little period of time where you are sending essay texts back and forth to each other, and you're pouring your heart out, and maybe you're expressing some, some anger or frustration, and then you're pouring your heart out again and you're saying all the nice things. But at some point you have to just make that decision of I need to move forward right now, and it's going to feel uncomfortable and it's going to suck balls and it's going to hurt, but. It's now my responsibility, and this really does come with separating yourself. Almost like you need to separate yourself into two. You need to separate the part of you that's longing for that closure and that affection. And the part of you that is almost like your higher self, who can see what is genuinely going to benefit you in the long run. Who can see from a bird's eye view how detrimental maybe that relationship was to you. You need to separate yourself out and let that higher self part of you lead the way and make the decisions for you. Your focus. I encourage you, your focus needs to be on coming to a place of understanding and accepting why that relationship had to end. Because if it's anxious and avoidant, and there was a lot of. Struggle and pain in that relationship. You need to remind yourself of the reasons why that relationship did not work, why it was not healthy for you. This is so important because in those moments when your emotions are high and you wanna reach out to that ex, you are not thinking clearly. You are not thinking with your. Conscious part of your brain, the part that looks out for you that can see logic and reason. And so you need to almost write a list of all these reasons so that in those moments when you are so desperate to reach out, you get that list and you show your brain, this is why we are not going back. This is why we cannot keep reaching out for closure. Because look at all these reasons as to why that didn't work. Look at all the ways that relationship hurt me. Look at all the ways my needs were not getting met. Look at all the ways I put in so much effort, and it was not reciprocated by that person. So is it actually that I need closure from them? I need to say one more thing to them. Or is it that I need to actually shift my focus and attention onto myself? And start to nurture and heal from the inside, because this is really what it comes down to. This is about gaining that sense of understanding why it didn't work. And as we move towards acceptance, it is about being that safe space and that source of love and validation for yourself. And a lot of that you might say, well, what the hell does that look like? A lot of that looks like self-regulation. It looks like using tools to calm your nervous system to release emotion. The number of times when I had to decide that closure was something I was gonna give myself. The number of times I had to just literally lie in the fetal position and cry my fricking eyes out and feel my heart almost like ripping apart and then coming back together so many times, and that is part of the process. Unfortunately, grieving from relationships is a very real part of life. I understand and can completely empathize. It is a very difficult part of life. However, we do not. Receive the gift that breakups give us, which is so much personal growth. If we keep going back to that person and repeating patterns and looking for closure that we are never really going to get from them. So much of your growth and development into a more secure version of yourself comes from recognizing that, you know what? If that relationship was actually meant to be, and it was actually good for me, it would be. It would have worked out, but it didn't. So what can I learn from that relationship? What can I learn about the ways that I was treated that I absolutely wanna make sure it doesn't happen again? What can I learn about the ways that my behavior and patterns and conditioning contributed? To maybe the toxicity of that relationship or it not being healthy and working right, so really taking radical responsibility and accountability for your actions and for your part in that relationship. What can I learn and then what am I going to do differently moving forward? What do I need to learn to give myself that will help ensure I do not repeat these patterns again in the future? You know the saying from that children's book, you can't go over it. You can't go under it. You have to go through it. That is where you will actually find the real closure, is allowing yourself to go through and process the pain. Allow yourself to feel the grief and the pain rather than burying it and reaching externally to your ex to make it all. Okay. Processing the pain, processing the feelings, and simultaneously looking ahead and focusing on your personal growth. Focusing on deciding what do I want the next chapter of my life to look like, which is really exciting. Instead of looking back, let's look forward, who do I wanna be in this next phase of my life? What new hobbies do I wanna start? Because maybe you let that side of your life go when you are in that relationship. What friendships do I want to really invest into even more than before? Or what relationships no longer feel aligned now that that relationship has ended? What new boundaries do you wanna set for yourself moving forward? Looking ahead. And working with yourself to evolve into that next version of you is what is going to give you the most closure more than anything. Ultimately, closure means that you no longer feel compelled to act upon the past emotional attachment, allowing you to move forward without looking back. And sometimes, yeah, sure. Sometimes you may look back and reflect on that relationship, but you no longer feel that compelling urge to want to reach out, to reconnect and maybe open up that wound with that person. And truly from one former anxiously attached girly to another, that closure must come from you, and it is the greatest gift that you can give yourself is. Moving through these difficult emotions because you are literally reborn on the other side of it. You become someone who no longer settles for those types of relationships. You become someone who truly knows yourself, who has gone deep to the depths of pain and grief that need to be felt to heal from a relationship. You have evolved into someone who has learned valuable lessons, who sets a new standard for herself. if you're still in that place of maybe feeling like there's just one more thing you have to say, there's one more message you have to send. I want you to just before you do that, pause and ask yourself, what am I hoping to get out of this? What am I hoping their response is going to be and how am I gonna feel if I get it? It like, okay, you get the response and then what and how are you going to feel if you don't get the response you're seeking? Because there's a very high chance that you won't, are you going to feel better or worse? On the other side of that, really reflect on this before you reach out, when you're in such a tender and vulnerable place going through a breakup. You need to be the ultimate protector of your energy and your peace. And so instead of being reactive and reacting to the impulses that you feel to reach out, really stop and think this through. And ask yourself, how am I gonna feel on the other side of sending this message? What am I gonna do if they do give me the response I'm hoping for that feels really good and soothing, and what am I gonna do if they don't? How's that gonna feel? This is where you get to make a new choice. You can either repeat a pattern and affirm an old identity, or you can make a new decision to begin a new pattern in your life and step into a new secure identity. And remember, always remember that if something is truly meant to be, it will be. But the right relationship for you, the right love should not feel this hard. It just doesn't. It should not feel like You have to work so hard to get a sense of being seen and loved and validated. It won't feel anxiety inducing, it won't feel chaotic. It'll feel peaceful and real, and true and safe. So please take that with you. If it's meant to be, it will be. And if it's not meant to be, then it's not being, it's not here for a reason. The closure you are seeking comes from within. It is a skill and a gift that you get to give yourself. Is it going to feel comfortable? No. It's gonna feel really uncomfortable. However, the difference is that the discomfort you will feel is short term. It is temporary. And on the other side of that discomfort is so much peace and growth and forward momentum in your life versus if you keep going back to that person trying to get that closure externally. There is also going to be pain and discomfort, but it's going to drag on and on and on, uh, to the point where you just, it gets so bad that you inevitably have to cut contact and then you have to go through the process later down the line when. Maybe more trauma has happened. So my friend, be brave. Think of your highest self. And I believe in you. You've got this. All right, my friends. I hope you have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.