Ep #60: Stop Following Your Feelings in Dating (Here’s Why)

In this episode, we’re unpacking something that might sound a little controversial at first: the moments in dating when not listening to your feelings is actually the most secure thing you can do. We’re often told to follow our heart, but if you have anxious attachment, those intense feelings of chemistry, butterflies, or an irresistible pull toward someone can sometimes just be your nervous system recognizing a familiar pattern — not necessarily a healthy one. I’m sharing my own experience of being completely heart-led in dating, constantly chasing that spark and diving headfirst into connections that felt electric at the start, only for them to crash and burn a few months later.

We talk about why this happens, how anxious attachment can make familiarity feel like compatibility, and the shift that changed everything for me: learning to date like a scientist by observing someone’s behaviour, consistency, values, and emotional availability instead of getting swept away by the feeling. If you keep finding yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable people — even when you know better — this episode will help you understand why and how to start making different choices so you can stop chasing chemistry that leads to chaos and start building connections that actually feel calm, safe, and secure.

In this episode, you’ll learn:
• Why following your feelings in dating can sometimes lead you straight back into familiar unhealthy patterns
• The difference between genuine intuition and emotional familiarity
• Why intense chemistry at the start can cloud your judgement
• How anxious attachment keeps pulling you toward emotionally unavailable partners
• The key behaviours to observe when you’re dating so you can choose secure, compatible partners

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram — I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway.

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Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) on Instagram HERE!

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Transcript

2:44

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt. Hey friends. Welcome back to the Club. How are you doing today? Are you good? Are you well? Are you not so good? I'm curious. I am doing so well. My energy this last week has completely flipped on its head from what it was previously. I went through a bit of a period of stagnation, if you will, and things have shifted and we are feeling electric and on fire and amazing. So if you need that little energy boost, just take my energy through. This podcast and, um, we've got some exciting things happening in my world. I recently went to the Gold Coast, which if you are following me closely on socials, you would have seen, I flew to the Gold Coast. I was there for four days and it was really a bit of a taste test, if you will, to see if I liked the Gold Coast, if I vibe with it, if I could see myself living there and. I didn't really give a conclusion or a takeaway of how that experience was like. I sort of did, but, uh, on my stories. But the takeaway is number one, gold Coast is really small, way smaller than I thought it was. Um, which it's, it's kind of just like this one long strip of beach and then all these high rises and then just suburbs behind that, or suburbia behind that. Um, so that was kind of surprising. But what I loved about the Gold Coast is the beach active lifestyle. I am such a coastal lifestyle girl. I think it's why I have really struggled to ground and root into Melbourne whilst I've been here for a little over the past. Year and when I went to the Gold Coast, it, it was just like my soul came alive again. And it reminded me of how I used to feel when I lived in Bondi. Um. The similarities being that there's just people out and about being active all the time. The ocean is right there. People going on morning walks, evening walks, being in nature. I mean, oh, and there's also, that that buzz of life all around you, like people are doing things, people are doing interesting things. They're ambitious, they're building businesses, they're making connections, and that is just, ugh. I'm in my element when I'm in that environment, and so it's really inspired me and I wasn't sure how I was feeling about it, but then I did actually have this really beautiful synchronistic moment and I'll just share it with you now whether you are into seeing things as synchronicities or not. I, I very much am. And so when I was living in Bali, when I went there for six months, I had this connection with dragonflies. For some reason, there would always be a dragonfly that would be around me. It would land on my water bottle, it would fly right by me. It was, it felt very spiritual. And when I looked up the definition of, or like the connection or the meaning behind dragonflies, what's their spiritual? Reference. It was saying how, actually, wait, let me, let me look this up because I want to not butcher it. Spiritual serendipitous meaning of the dragonfly. I've Googled that. Okay, so it says, the dragonfly is a deeply spiritual symbol, frequently appearing as a serendipitous or meaningful coincidence. To signify profound transformation, adaptability, and a shift in perspective, often appearing when you are undergoing or needing a major life change, the dragonfly serves as a reminder to shed old habits, embrace your true potential and move through life with lightness and joy. And I very much felt that transformation when I was living in Bali, and I haven't really seen many dragonfly since. And then one afternoon when I was in the Gold Coast, I had had a really beautiful afternoon. I was doing some regulating, I'd been swimming in the ocean and I was on my way to go and meet someone, um, to catch up with someone. And I was in the car. And I pulled up at the lights and I was at the front of the lights and it was dusk like it was evening time. And there was this beautiful stream of golden light just streaming down in front of my car from the sunset. And right in the center of that beam of light was this big, beautiful dragonfly hovering right in front of me. Like, I'm not kidding. I can't make this shit up. It was hovering right in front of me and I was sitting at the lights for a good five minutes it felt like. And the whole time it's just hovering, looking right at me. Like it didn't leave. It flew off right before the light turned green, and that was a pretty powerful sign for me that, Hmm. Okay. And I think there might be something here for me. And I always am following my intuition and it guides me in life since really, repairing my connection and my relationship to my intuition, which we're kind of gonna talk about today. So, I feel like there is a bit of relevance here to this story, but you know, I'd just like to keep you guys on the inside of what's happening in my life. Um, so that was a really positive experience. And when I came back to Melbourne, I definitely felt the contrast of what life feels like here versus in that type of environment. And as much as I love having my family close by me here, I just think that I need to take that step. And so I'm really very strongly considering making that move in a couple of months time. So watch this space and. I'm gonna put it out there. If you're in the Gold Coast, if you hear of any amazing living situations coming up or you have connections for me, just DM me because I'm open to receive. So that is happening, um, peacefully attached. Our seventh intake is well underway. We are in week. Six, I think, which is crazy. Time just flies so much. And as usual, the transformations, the insights, the up levels are just so powerful and we are only one month away from opening the doors to the next intake, which is crazy. So if you are interested and you've been wanting to get into that space, make sure you get your application in early. Um, because I am still taking applications, they already started coming in. So I'll leave the link below in the show notes. You can have a look. Check out peacefully. Attach my signature program and apply if you feel called to join us. So that is some exciting things happening in my life. Um, and today's episode is a little bit, now it feels ironic saying this or a bit contradictory, but it's all about when you shouldn't listen to your feelings. This is about really in dating because there is a time and a place for listening to our. That pull within us and it serves us well. But there's also a time when that pull that we feel maybe isn't leading us down the best path, uh, into the right relationships. It's actually just a pull or a feeling of familiarity with what we've always known and the types of relationship dynamics we have repeated again and again in our life and. Our brain is always looking to repeat what it knows and what is familiar. So when we are picking up on certain cues from our subconscious, like our subconscious is picking up on certain behavioral cues or a feeling or an energy, when we come into contact with someone, we need to be really careful that we are not just automatically following that feeling because. Like I just said, it could be leading us just back into a familiar pattern and not actually towards a healthier, secure relationship and partner. So I wanna talk about what I mean by this and when we should be paying attention to our feelings versus when we should be really using structure and almost like planning ahead to make our decisions in dating and why that is so important. Some of the questions and the things that you can start to look out for and ask yourself when you are dating to set yourself up for success. So I'm excited and let's dive in. Let me rewind the clock for you to a few years ago, and I mean really my whole life, but let's just go back a few years before I began going on my entire healing journey with anxious attachment, I was completely heart led in dating. I really used my empathetic nature and, hard on sleeve personality as an excuse to follow my feelings at every turn in dating. I was constantly looking out for that spark feeling and that irresistible fool, uh, pull towards certain people. And I used to just associate that with, oh my God, this is so intense that. Surely I'm meant to be with this person. Like I need to just throw all caution to the wind. And I would really dive headfirst into relationships with these people. And even if there was some sort of caution that I could feel within myself, if my brain was sending me some sort of caution, I would often just overlook it and tell myself, oh, like it's fine. Everything's gonna work out. It's gonna be fine because. This feels so good. Like surely I can't ignore this. Surely I can't not explore this, and if anything happens down the line, if any, if there's any repercussions, I'll just handle them. I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it. And so maybe you have found yourself in a situation like this a couple of times where there is that sense of alarm bells, uh, but it's getting very muddled up with that, that strong emotional pull that you're feeling towards someone when you meet them. There's that spark, there's that chemistry. Your whole body is like filled with tingles and butterflies, and you just have this overwhelming urge to follow that sensation and to. Probably rush into that connection because it feels so good. Now, the problem with this, and the problem that I experienced pretty much every time is when something, when a connection, when chemistry burns that intensely like very quickly, hot and heavy to begin with, it's clouds our judgment, right? If you think about the difference between. Just like a small flame that is burning on a candle in front of you, you can see it very clearly. It's not. Overstimulating. It's not overwhelming. You can appreciate it. Look at it, work with it, right? Enjoy it. Whereas when we have, let's say you're holding a firecracker or a sparkler, this analogy is just coming to me now. Those sparklers that you put on a birthday cake, you light it, and then it's like, and all the sparks are flying everywhere. Think of it like that, right? It's in your face. So number one, it's very overwhelming. It is just taking up all of your senses. You are, it's really intense and it burns out really quickly. So you can't really, you're not really paying attention to anything else because it's just so intense in your face and you get all wrapped up in it. And then before you know it, it's gone. And this was kind of like what was happening with all of my relationships. I was. So blinded by this strong feeling that I was following, that I was missing so many of the important signs about who this person really was or, or even better yet, I was missing signs of, oh, this person is emotionally unavailable, this person. Can't actually meet me where I'm at. They aren't going to be able to be secure and make me feel secure in a relationship. Like there's just so many red flags here, but I was blinded by this feeling. And so what would happen is. After a few months, or, you know, most of these relationships only lasted anywhere between a few months, up till maybe just about about a year. So they're all pretty short if we look at it in hindsight. And what would happen was the, the feeling of passion, this is usually in, in those shorter ones or the first few months, the feeling of passion and electricity in that spark would very quickly burn out and turn into anxiety and panic. This is because that person who was once pretty much love bombing me, pursuing me, chasing me, telling me how amazing I am, telling me how amazing this connection feels. All of that this, this person who was enamored with me, all of a sudden started to change really quickly. They started to pull away. I noticed the more that I turn and maybe go deeper, they started to pull away. All of a sudden they were really busy all the time, or they were stressed with work, or they had something else on, and I was left feeling so confused as to what had changed all of a sudden, because, what do you mean? A few weeks ago, a few months ago, you were obsessed with me and we were in this love bubble and we couldn't give our hands off each other, and now you're pulling away and this feels awful. I started questioning myself saying, what did I do wrong? Did I say too much? Was I too much? Am I being too needy? Should I, should I bring it up? Should I not? Oh, maybe I shouldn't, because that'll push them away even further. Fuck, what do I do? And so I felt so isolated. I felt alone. Like I had to swallow all of my feelings and pushed down that anxiety because surely if I spoke about it, if I addressed it or called them out on it, then of course I would be too much, and that would definitely push them away. And that had been my dynamic, my conditioning ever since childhood because look, I love my dad and we have a great relationship. But when I was young, yeah, there were many times when he couldn't meet me where I was at in terms of meeting my emotional needs, with validating how I was feeling, holding space for me to express them and having a grounded conversation, it would often get shut down and. I was left feeling like I did something wrong by bringing up my emotions. And so that same conditioning before I had done all this work was still my default in my body. And so when all of these fears and concerns were coming up very validly, might I add because this person had all of a sudden changed their tone, their behavior shifted. They're pulling away, I'm confused as fuck. There was no communication going on. My anxious attachment was flaring up big time. And maybe you've experienced this too, if you are a regular listener of this podcast, you probably have, so you know the drill. And basically this was going on again and again and again until I hit rock bottom. In other words, I had been through so much emotional whiplash with this shit that I refused to let it happen again. So this is when I took a very good, hard look at myself in the mirror, and I had to say to myself, Mimi. We need to make a change. We cannot keep doing this. We need to change our strategy in dating because clearly what I've been doing has not been working. It is actually hurting me. So what's going on here? And I started to get really curious. And through things I had learned and ways that I'd been supported, I started to realize, oh, I've just been letting my heart. Take the lead here and run the show. I actually need to sort of close that part of myself off a little bit for a while and I need to date using my head. So the way I like to teach it now is I began dating like a scientist. So I began observing facts and behaviors to determine compatibility, right? To assess basically if the person I was dating was. Actually going to be a good match for me and was going to help create a healthy, safe connection. Or if they weren't and I could identify signs that they were going to repeat a, an old pattern. Now, this is not easy, okay? When you're not used to doing this, and you are anxiously attached, it's going to feel. Very challenging to not give into the urge that you feel to throw caution to the wind, to ignore red flags, and to just dive headfirst into another connection that feels really good in the moment. The urge is going to be there just like it was for me, but at some point you need to ask yourself, well, what's worse? Dealing with the discomfort of this urge that I feel or dealing with the. Discomfort that lasts for months and months. When I'm rejected, love bombed and then they ghost me and they pull away like, really, what? Which discomfort is worse? And for me it was the latter. So I said, okay, whew. Whilst I feel this discomfort, I'm going to regulate, I'm gonna take care of my emotions, these urges, I'm gonna do my self-regulation, I'm gonna do my inner child work, and I'm going to keep my. My heart closed off a little bit until I know that it's safe to let some this person in. And so what I did was I began observing. I really observed how they treated me. Like how were they really being on these dates? Were they being present, curious, asking questions? Did they follow up with me after a date? Were they taking initiative to plan the next date? Was their communication. How are they treating me? Like, really get curious about that. I started to ask myself, how do I feel when we're together? So how does my body feel in their presence? Do I feel at ease? Do I feel calm? Do I feel safe? And how do I feel when we are apart? This is really important because how you feel when you're not physically in the presence of that person. There's a lot about that connection. If you find yourself feeling quite calm and grounded and not really overthinking and not too anxious or anything like that, when you're not with that person, that is usually a very good sign. It's a sign that your body and your nervous system feels safe with that person because they have shown you or they are showing you that you can rely on them, that they are consistent. So if you're feeling that way, it's a really good sign. If you're feeling, extremely anxious, really on edge, you're overthinking like crazy, you're obsessing, then it's sort of twofold. Number one, it could still be parts of your anxious attachment flaring up. There's probably some fear of rejection or abandonment there. But secondly, usually those things are only. Highly flared when we are reacting to a stimulus that makes us feel that way. So if the person you're dating is pretty inconsistent with their communication, if they are saying that they'll message you and they don't, or if they say they were gonna set up the next date and you don't hear from them, or if you text them and they don't reply for two days, of course you're going to feel anxious and dysregulated. So that is not a good sign. Okay? So pay attention to how you feel when you're together and when you're apart. The next thing I looked at was, do we have similar values? Do we care about the same things in life? Do we value the the similar core values? So for example, does this person take care of themselves? Do they value a healthy lifestyle, or are they smoking and are they a smoker? And like partying every weekend. Does this person value family or not? Does this person value open communication and being vulnerable? Right? So understand what's important to you, the things that you live by that are sort of pillars in your life, and if it's important to you that your partner shares those values, really make sure you are, you are kind, you're doing a little bit of digging to understand, do, are we on the same page with this stuff? And if not, is that a deal breaker for you? Look at if they are consistent. Okay. What I just said before, I was always looking at that. Are they consistent? Are they in integrity? Are they doing the things they said they're going to do? That's really important for developing trust and safety. The next thing I looked at was how do they handle difficult and vulnerable conversations? When you try to go one layer deeper and maybe you start to talk about their relationship history, or you ask questions about it, or their relationship with their family, things like that, that can be more sensitive and vulnerable, really pay attention to how they are. Responding to that, because what you'll sometimes see is if someone is emotionally unavailable or they don't really wanna get deep with you, they don't want to go to those levels, which is usually a sign. They're probably not looking for anything serious. Then they will either, they'll just deflect, so they'll somehow. Not answer the question by turning it back on you, or they'll use humor to distract you because they don't wanna answer it. Um, or they'll just change the subject. They'll just not take it seriously. Then that's also something you might wanna pay attention to, like, oh. I don't know if I wanna be with someone who can't have those more vulnerable conversations.'cause that's really important to me. Um, and do I want to have to spend time, trying to pry that out of someone or would I rather be with someone who's already there? They've already done the work to understand how important these conversations are for building connection and I want someone like that. And then I also looked at if they knew what they wanted or not out of dating. If I was dating with the intention of wanting to meet someone to build a relationship with, and I asked them, what are you looking for in dating? If they were really unsure or they said things like, oh, not really looking for a relationship, but you know, maybe if I meet the right person or if they said like, oh, just, casual. But yeah, maybe if I meet the right person, they're most likely in a place where they're not ready for a relationship. Again, this takes discipline. It can be hard to walk away from someone who. you really like or you think you really like, but they aren't a match in terms of timing with what they're looking for. Yes, it's gonna be hard to walk away from that, but you can't force someone to be ready. And this is, this is one of those traps where we think, oh, like, no, but they'll see how amazing I am and eventually they'll change their mind like they will want to be with me. No. Please don't do that. I have done that so many times. It never ends well because 99% of the time they turn around and when you end up wanting something more because your feelings have deepened or you've become attached, they say, I told you I am not really looking for a relationship. Sorry. And you are left with your heart in pieces, in your hands, so we need to pay attention to that. If you're not looking for the same thing, it's not gonna work. So really looking at all of this stuff and make sure you are giving it some time. Okay, some with some people, you're gonna know very quickly that they're not right for you. But with other people, we need to let the connection play out and build with time. We don't want to be. Making snap judgements or throwing all caution to the wind and throwing all of ourselves into it really quickly and putting them on a pedestal and thinking they're amazing because I've said it before and I'll say it again. When p in the early stages of dating, you are not seeing glimpse. You're seeing like 1% the the percent they want you to see, the shiny, amazing, polished version because that's what we all do when we start dating someone. It takes time for their true character and personality and flaws and trauma and all of that to really come to the surface. So take your time. If there's someone who you're, you're enjoying getting to know them, don't make assumptions about how perfect they are and how amazing they are, and how you know them. It's meant to be, give it time. Give them time to truly. Reveal themselves to you, and this is the most imp, okay? If you take any sentence from this entire episode of what I'm gonna say to you, please take this one. Let them show you who they are through their actions, not their words. I'm gonna repeat it for the people in the back. Let them show you who they are through their actions, not through their words. This is so important because anyone can say anything to smooth things over to make you, settle down for a minute. If your anxiety is flaring up to get away with stuff, people can say anything, but it is their actions that reveal their true intentions and their true character. So you wanna know who someone is, just observe their actions. It will tell you everything you need to know. Everything. Don't let anyone fill your head with hot air to gaslight you into thinking that you are overthinking things when their behavior is shady as shit. All right. You heard it here first, so all of this to say was. I began basing my decisions on whether or not I wanted a relationship with someone or whether I thought they were a good match for me based on the evidence, like a scientist based on the evidence in front of me, not what my mind wanted me to see or wanted me to project. Yeah. That's when we are not looking at who the person actually is. We're looking at who they could be. The relationship we could have with them, but we are ignoring what's really going on. So I, I wasn't letting my mind take over and over fantasize about things. I tried to remain very grounded in the evidence in front of me. And when I did this, the funniest thing happened. I stopped having the rug pulled out from underneath me because I was only choosing to date and invest my time into people. Who did have the same intentions, who were in integrity, who valued the, who valued open communication, who created a dynamic of safety. So yeah, maybe it didn't always work out with everyone, but that's okay because dating isn't about it. Working out with every person. But the difference was that if it wasn't working out, there wasn't any game playing. There wasn't any sudden withdrawal. There was just mature, grounded conversations, and it was handled with care and transparency, and I felt really seen and valued in those connections because I began valuing myself enough to stop repeating the pattern by giving into those urges to chase the bad boy or the mysterious person, or the person who just would breadcrumb me. When you are. Anxiously attached. Okay. If you're still in that space, you can't rely solely on your feelings to guide you in dating. Even though I know you are using your best judgment and you're trying your best to make that, you're trying to discern if someone is good for you or not. You are conditioned to subconsciously chase what is familiar, and in your case, that is most likely emotionally unavailable people. Avoidant people who are not good for you. I'm not saying they are bad people by any means, but what I'm saying is their conditioning combined with your conditioning is a recipe for disaster. It's going to hurt you because they don't have the capacity with where they're at to meet your emotional needs, and therefore, you are gonna be anxious. You're not gonna be feeling secure. It's gonna rock your world, not in a good way. So we need to have structure in place and know what we need to be looking out for to support ourselves as your confidence, as your discernment, as your connection to your intuition grows and strengthens again. Okay, because with anxious attachment, we have likely have many, many years of experience of people gaslighting our emotions, telling us we're wrong, telling us, Nope, you're overthinking it. No, you're just too needy. You're too much. And so that connection without our beautiful intuition that tells us what's right, what's wrong, where we should go, where we shouldn't according to us, gets dampened. It gets muddied and all of a sudden we just are questioning ourselves left, right, and center. You feel something, but you keep having people telling you that what you're feeling is wrong. So it makes sense that you struggle to trust yourself and to know to tell the difference between what is your, your pattern and what is actually good for you. So the structure is needed to support you. In that process. And then as your confidence and discernment grows, the structure falls away and your intuition leads. So then it becomes less about needing to have these checklists or these, these things you're really clear on because it just becomes second nature. You just step into that person who is secure, who values themselves so highly, who put yourself first, who knows without a shadow of a doubt what to avoid, what behaviors to look out for you, trust your intuition, and so you can let yourself lead in a really grounded, secure way where you know. Who is a good match for you, who is not. And you can start to really build that beautiful, secure, amazing relationship that you want and that you deserve. And this is when dating feels so amazing. It feels exciting. It feels freeing, it feels safe, and the relationship that is waiting for you is gonna be like nothing you have ever experienced. It's going to just completely change your life in so many amazing ways. I know that this is the piece that you're craving, and honestly, it's about time you let yourself have it so. I hope this has been useful for you today to really look at dating in a new light and given you some steps that you can begin taking with how to navigate the dating process. If you want to go deeper and you want to get the full breakdown and the tools and support in how to implement this. In real time in your dating life as well as so much other amazing goodness. This is what we do inside peacefully attached. And so if you are feeling called and you're like, yep, I'm ready to learn all the things, and I wanna make this prior priority, then again, I'll leave the link below to check it out and you can submit your application to join our next intake. If you have any questions at all, you can always jump over to Instagram. At Mim Wat and send me a dm and I'm happy to talk to you and answer your questions. But yeah, take this episode, start implementing it, start seeing how it feels, and I'm so excited for the shifts that I know on the other side of this for you. All right, my friends, I hope you have a beautiful week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes.