Ep #70: Are You Desperate for Wanting a Relationship?

In this episode, we’re getting real about something so many women feel… but rarely say out loud. Wanting a relationship… thinking about it often… wondering if you’re “ruining it” by caring too much… and then judging yourself for it. Somewhere along the way, you’ve been taught that if you want love too much, you’re desperate… but if you don’t want it at all, you’re “doing it right.” And honestly? That messaging is confusing as hell. So let’s clear it up.

This conversation was sparked by a follower who asked a question that I know will hit home for so many of you; how do you hold the desire for a relationship without it turning into pressure, shame, or something that makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you? We’re not here to get rid of the desire, but to change the way you relate to it, because wanting a relationship isn’t the problem, but the energy you hold around it very well could be.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why wanting a relationship doesn’t make you desperate (and what actually does)
• The difference between clean desire vs attached desire and how to spot where you’re operating from
• The “play it cool” trap that’s causing you to self-abandon in dating
• What you’re really craving underneath the desire for a relationship
• The grounded shift that allows you to want love deeply, without feeling consumed by it

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram — I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway.

MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA
Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) on Instagram HERE!

Transcript

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt Hey friends, welcome back to the club. Straight off the bat, I want to acknowledge all of you who listened to last week's episode, You Are The Catch, and thank you to those of you who reached out to me on Instagram and gave me your feedback and just shared with me how much that episode resonated with you. It was truly one of those classic Mimi tough love moments coming through the mic from me to you, because I just felt that you needed to hear it, because I needed to hear it. We all need that reminder sometimes of how important, special, and valuable we are. It's so easy to forget when you are out there dating and you're meeting all sorts of people and your dick brain does that cool thing where it puts people on a pedestal. And all of a sudden you feel like you have to, change yourself and be better than you have been up until this point just so you can win them over. And we need to invite this energy in of you are the catch more often to remember that we don't put people on pedestals, okay? And this isn't coming from an energy of we think we are better than other people. It's coming from a grounded energy of I know I'm a catch, I know my worth and my value, and I know what to, I bring to the table, and I don't need to compete for your attention or win you over. I'm just gonna be over here in my energy, in my vibe, knowing my worth, and giving my time and attention to the right people who deserve it. So I'm really glad that that episode resonated with you. If you haven't listened to it yet, make sure you go and listen to it. It's the injection of confidence and positivity that I'm sure will make a really great impact in your day, in, in your week, and dating life. Second to that, I wanna ask you a little favor. If you haven't already, hit subscribe or follow on your podcast app or wherever you're listening to this. If it's Apple Podcasts or Spotify, it would mean the absolute world to me if you did hit follow so that you can be updated every single week when an episode drops, and it does help to push this podcast out to more people who could really benefit from the value, and it helps me to keep doing this and deliver these episodes to you for free. So hit subscribe or follow, and without further ado, let's dive into what we are talking about today. One of my beautiful followers and friends someone that I actually met up with when I was in the Gold Coast a few months ago, reached out to me requesting this particular episode. And I love that, by the way. I am so open to your suggestions and your requests for what you would love to hear me talk about on the podcast. So never shy away from reaching out to me on Instagram and saying hello and letting me know what you would love to hear. I promise I don't bite. So I had this beautiful friend reach out, and she came to me to share this concern that she has or this feeling that has been lingering around her for some time now, and it's around this concept of are you desperate for wanting a relationship? There are so many people in the world who are in relationships, who are in a couple, and if you're a single person, society can sometimes make you feel like you're desperate if you go out and seek that. Or if you're thinking about wanting a partner a lot, or if you're thinking about it, quote-unquote, too much, are you ruining it? Are you ruining this air of, "Oh, you know, don't think about it. It'll happen when you least expect it," and, "Just play it cool. It's fine. Don't look too desperate." And I'm really glad she brought this to my attention because I know that so many of you would be able to resonate with this and, and relate to this. I know that at a certain point in time I certainly could, and of course, I can still empathize with this feeling. I'm human too. We all go through waves of we can dip into desperation or wanting something a little too strongly and then also go back the other way where we tell ourselves we don't want it at all. I think especially for many of you in my audience, we're all in that age bracket, or mostly, around maybe late 20s, early 30s, or even mid to late 30s, where for most of us, we are in that phase of life where we wanna meet someone, and we do wanna build something real. We want a real relationship, and maybe we even wanna start a family in the next few years. And as much as we would love the, you know, when you're in your early 20s, you have so much time on your side and you think, "Oh, I don't need to think about a serious relationship 'cause I've got so much time," or, "I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind with this person who I know probably isn't good for me because whatever, I'll get over it. I've got time." And at this chapter in our lives, we're in a different era, so to speak. Of course, I'm not saying that I want you to put pressure on yourself, and you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do. Your life is your life. Your journey is your journey. I'm just generalizing for the women listening who... Are wanting a relationship, but you feel this stigma of being single and wanting a relationship and thinking It doesn't look good, or that people are judging you for it. Or maybe you're judging yourself for it. So today, in this episode, I wanna talk about this concept and unpack it a little bit, and talk about where this energy might be coming from and how to shift your mindset from one that is quite disempowering to one that is empowering, and not eradicate the desire for a relationship, but look at how we can shift your relationship with that desire itself. So I think this is gonna be extremely validating, reassuring, and helpful if you are currently navigating dating and you are in that position of wanting a relationship but not wanting to feel desperate. With that being said, let's dive in. I want to first address the mixed messages that society loves to send us as women, i'm just gonna speak to all women here, because I know most of you are women. I'm a woman. We get these messages, especially in today's day and age, that you need to be independent. You don't need a relationship. You don't need anyone to take care of you. You're a strong, independent woman who don't need no man. Oh my God, scratch that. That sounded terrible. You're a strong I'm not gonna edit that out. But you get what I'm saying, right? We get these messages of just be independent, start a business, build your career. You don't need to rely on anyone for anything. But then in the same breath, we get this message of, "Yeah, but also, you should find your person and settle down, because you don't wanna fall behind, and don't forget your biological clock, and if you wanna start a family, you should really be meeting someone soon, because the clock is ticking." So then now you're here wanting something completely human, and somehow you feel like you're doing it wrong. It is a clusterfuck of emotion, let me say this. Wanting a relationship does not make you desperate. It makes you human. But the way you hold that desire for the relationship, this is where things can get a little bit messy, and I think this is where the shame piece comes in. We're experiencing shame in two areas. We feel the shame that's coming from this societal projection that we should be coupled up, and if we're not in a relationship by a certain age, there's something wrong with us or, no one wants us, or, am I the problem? And then there's the shame that we put on ourselves of why can't I get this right? What am I doing wrong? It's like we take that shame, that projection from society, and we begin to internalize it and make things harder than they need to be for ourselves. I always say that shame dies when shared in safe spaces, so I want this episode and this entire podcast really is our safe space to talk about these things that come up in our inner dialogue, the things that we feel ashamed about, and we're gonna air it out and talk about it so that you know you're not alone, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's just we sometimes believe these stories and these illusions that the world projects, and we need to burst those illusions. Let's go into the difference between clean desire and attached desire because, as I just mentioned, the problem of... is not that you want a relationship. The problem is likely rooted in how you are, the energy you're coming from when you are desiring that relationship. So clean desire is, "I want a relationship. I'd love to share my life with someone." Okay, you're owning it. It feels open. It also feels grounded and patient. There's not really a rush there. Versus attached desire would be sounding like, "I need this to happen soon. Why hasn't it happened yet? What if it never happens for me?" There's that sense of urgency. Again, maybe a little air of desperation, and there's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and wanting it to happen soon. However, I'm going into all of this so that you have an opportunity to just check yourself a little bit and check where your energy is at and the thoughts that you are having around this topic because I promise it is going to make a big difference for you. I want you to check in with yourself right now. Just take a moment, tune in to your body, and ask yourself, first question, "Am I owning the fact that I want a relationship, or am I downplaying that desire to seem chill and casual?" What feels more true for you? If you are owning the fact that you want a relationship, is it rooted in a grounded energy of, "Yeah, I know I want a relationship, and, I'm excited and ready to welcome the right person into my life. However, I'm detached from the outcome," or, I hold no judgment over myself for being single right now, and I'm just ready for it to happen when it is supposed to or when it's going to." Or are you sort of owning that you want a relationship? Maybe you only own it secretly in, internally in your own minds, but when it comes to saying it to other people, again, you're downplaying it. And is the thought, "I want a relationship," layered with self-doubt, comparison, or pressure? Because that's what's creating the mental spiral here. It's not just saying you want a relationship, it's when we come in and, sorry, excuse my French, but we shit all over ourselves with telling ourselves that, "Oh, it's probably not possible for me. I'm never gonna meet the right person. Is there anyone who would ever truly love me?" Or, "I'm gonna compare myself to all these other women who seem to have it so easy or they're in these healthy relationships." Or again, that pressure of, "I need to perform. I need to change myself in order to be able to attract in a partner." this is the difference here between this clean desire and the attached desire. Can you see the difference here? When we are in this attached desire, what's happening under the surface, under the hood, is we are making it mean something about ourselves. You're m- likely making it mean something about your worth, and that's the part that's really draining. It's not the desire itself, although that can be draining sometimes, because if you think about when we are desiring something that we want, that indirectly means that we don't have it yet, which means we are in an energy of lack and scarcity. So that, that in and of itself is going to feel draining. But the desire is not the problem. It's the way you are relating to the desire and what you are making it mean about yourself that you don't yet have a relationship. I also want you to ask yourself, where is that shame coming from? Whose voice is that? Is it actually my voice that is saying there's something wrong for wanting a relationship, or is that coming from someone else? Have I internalized that from my mom, my dad, my grandma, society? We just wanna check that because sometimes we do take on other people's perspectives and beliefs about the way we should be showing up in the world and operating our lives, when really it's not actually your belief or perspective. And you can decide to just put that down at any moment if it does not serve you. Let's talk more about the playing it cool trap, because I see so many of you falling into this trap, and I'm gonna lovingly call you out right now, this is where you say you want a relationship, but then you try to act like you don't. So you might be downplaying what you want early on. Maybe you're seeing someone new, you're dating, and the question comes up of, "So, what are you looking for in dating?" And you don't wanna come across too strong, so you say, "Oh, you know, I guess it would be nice to maybe have a relationship or, meet someone, but I'm also open to casual and, yeah, I, I'm easy. Just, like, go with the flow." When really you don't wanna go with the flow and you don't wanna waste your time, but you're overthinking how you're coming across to someone else, and you are putting more weight and value in the way that person is perceiving you than how you're perceiving them and if you're in alignment with what it is that you want. Recently over on Instagram I have been doing some reviews of your dating profiles on Hinge, which has been so much fun. And one beautiful woman I was chatting to, I said, "You have beautiful photos. There's a nice energy here." But the responses to her prompts on her profile were really giving cookie cutter responses. For example, I think one of them was, "This year I'm looking for..." and then her response was, "A new emergency contact." I said, "This is just what everyone else is saying. This is the really basic vanilla answer that is actually playing it very safe." And I asked her, "Do you want a relationship, and what do you want from a relationship?" And she said, "Yeah, I do, but I'm afraid of coming across too strong or too serious because I'm gonna put other people off." And this right here is what I'm talking about. This is the trap. The playing it cool trap is where you think that it looks too serious or too desperate if you are direct and clear about what you want, and so you water it down. First of all, this makes you blend in and you don't stand out, because you're just, you're literally just putting the same answers as everyone else. Or, the answer that people use of, "I love a spicy margarita." I'm like, can we please move away from this? This has been done to death. Like, be original. Show us your real personality. Anyway, what I said to her and what I think will be a very helpful reframe for you if you're in this trap of playing it cool, is I want you to think about, let's say you're dating someone, whether it's a woman, a man, a person, it doesn't matter, but this person is very clear on who they are. They like who they are. They're clear on what they want. Let's say they want a relationship. They know they're ready for a long-term relationship. They're ready for commitment. They know they want a relationship. They know what they want in a partner. They know what they're available for and what they're not available for. They have boundaries. They have standards, and they're able to communicate that very clearly, not in an aggressive way or an ultimatum kind of way, just in a, "I'm quietly confident, and I know what I want, and I know what I'm worth, and this is what I'm looking for. Are you a match for that, or are you not? And if you are, amazing. Let's get to know each other and see how it goes. If you're not, wish you all the best, but I'm, this is not for me." Is that an attractive quality in someone? Fuck yes. It is such an attractive quality. So why aren't you giving yourself permission to own that too? This can be a great shift for people. I've said this to many of my clients, and they go, "Oh, my God, you're so right. It is hot. I'm gonna own it." When you own it, something amazing happens. You will suddenly become extremely magnetic and attractive to the right people, and you will become a repellent to the wrong people. Because think about it, if you say exactly what you want in a relationship, or you say some very specific things that you're looking for in a partner that are displaying you know what you want and that you're intentional with who you're dating, someone comes along who values the same things in a relationship, who is also wanting something serious like a commitment, they're gonna see that and go, "Oh, hell yeah. This woman knows what she wants, and it sounds like we're a match, so I'm gonna connect with her." You're already starting off on a great foot with this person. On the other hand, if someone comes along who is just wanting something casual, they're not looking for a serious relationship, they just wanna fuck around, and they see that you are someone who's very intentional and clear, and it's the opposite, they're not gonna waste their time with you Because they probably think, "Oh, well, this person can't be manipulated. This person can't be, you know, love bombed because they're very self-aware. They know what they want. So yeah, I'm just gonna go look for someone else who has a really basic vanilla profile, who I can just, get what I want from." You see the difference? So in playing it cool, You're actually not helping yourself, and it's not confidence. It's self-abandonment dressed up as strategy, is exactly what it is. There is nothing unattractive about a woman who knows that she wants a relationship, but there certainly is something misaligned about pretending that you don't. Now that we've got that out of the way, and you're gonna stop downplaying that you actually want a relationship And sorry, one more side note. Just because you want a relationship and you're intentional about that, doesn't mean that you have to start showing up on first dates like You're in a job interview, and you're trying to, check all these boxes, and you're asking all these questions to really quickly clarify if it's compatible and they want a relationship. We don't need to fall into that energy of, "I'm taking this so seriously." But it is about going into dates just with honesty and knowing what you want and knowing that you are likely matching with people who are on the same page. Okay. Now, I wanna take this a little bit deeper and talk about what's actually underneath the desire for a relationship. It's very easy to believe these thoughts that come in that say, "Oh, I just want a relationship. I just want a partner." And I might say, "Why?" You say, "Well, because it would be nice to share my life with someone." If we go even deeper, usually what's under the surface is you desire what you believe the relationship will give you. Maybe it's things like validation, feeling chosen, having emotional safety, so someone who helps support your emotions and makes you feel taken care of. These are all beautiful things, and it's okay to want these things. It's part of the reason why we do get into relationships. But do you know how to give those things to yourself now, or are you just waiting for someone else to? If you're in a place where all you can think about is how desperately, how badly you want a partner and a relationship, I would say there's a chance that you are looking for that person to fill a void within you, as opposed to being a beautiful bonus to the life you already have and the relationship you have with yourself. Get real with yourself here. What is it that you are hoping or thinking that person is going to give you? That you feel you can't give to yourself. You wanna get clear on that, if it is, "Well, I wanna feel chosen," my advice would be, how are you choosing yourself right now? Are you choosing yourself in big ways and small ways, or are you self-abandoning and completely disregarding yourself because you're just waiting for someone else to do that work for you? If you wanna feel validated, you want external validation that you're beautiful, that you're intelligent, that you're good enough as a person, are you giving any of that validation to yourself? How are you speaking to yourself throughout the day? Are you putting yourself down, comparing yourself to other people all the time, telling yourself you're not good enough? Or are you hyping yourself up? Are you consciously pointing out the things that you love about yourself? Are you telling yourself you're proud of yourself for getting through hard things? How can you start validating yourself? We need to be meeting these emotional needs because if we don't, and we're just waiting for someone else to fill it, you will be sorely disappointed when you do get into a relationship. Because that's not how a relationship works. If we go into it that way, we are going to be getting into this energy of just taking, taking, taking, taking, and it's going to be like sand going into a bucket with holes in the bottom. It will never truly fill you up. So get clear on what is it that I'm actually craving, what is that deeper layer, and how can I begin to meet those needs for myself on a deeper level? That in and of itself is going to release some of that, quote-unquote, desperation that you maybe feel or that shame that you feel for not having a relationship. Once you've gotten clear on that, and you can be actively doing that work alongside still wanting a relationship, by the way. You don't have to completely shut down that desire and wait till you're, quote-unquote, healed fully before you can have a partner, because we're never fully healed. But as you're doing this work, I then want you to ask yourself, "Can I want this without making it mean something about me? Can I want a relationship from a clean, grounded, detached energy where, yes, I'm owning that I want that, but I'm not making the absence of it mean something negative about me, that there's something wrong with me, or I should be ashamed for not having a partner, without needing to change myself and be chill and cool so that I don't come across as desperate? Can I want this without making it mean something about me? And if I can, what would that look like?" And this is subjective. This is gonna be different for all of you. But what would that look like? If I could 100% own that, yes, I am ready for and would love to meet an aligned partner Ready to build a relationship, but I don't make it mean anything about me, and I don't cast any judgment onto myself, and I do not take on other people's projections about it," how would you start showing up in dating in your life? What thoughts would change? What mindset would you adopt? How would just your whole energy and vibe start to shift? I really recommend journaling on that question and seeing what comes through, because you will surprise yourself with actually how much you already know what you would change and what the impact of that would be. The difference in these energies of attached versus grounded is, like, if you go on a great first date, and afterwards, if you're in that attached energy, where there's still that desperation to fill that void, then maybe your behavior looks like checking your phone constantly to see if they've messaged you, to see if there's any signs that this is gonna progress. You're overanalyzing their texts, so you're reading into things really far. You're trying to decode things, or you're already imagining a future with this person. So rather than moving slowly and getting to know them and see if there's genuine compatibility, you're getting lost in their potential. making up all these stories about who they could be and the relationship you're going to have and how amazing it's gonna be, and you're letting yourself run away with the fantasy. Versus when we're in a grounded energy, we can go on a great first date and come away with this energy of, "Yeah, that was nice. I had a really nice time. I enjoyed getting to know that person, and I wanna get to know them more." But then you also return to your life. You let things unfold without gripping or trying to manipulate or trying to control the outcome. It's the same desire, but a completely different experience. What I really wanna end this episode with is I do want you to feel validated that it's okay to want a relationship, and it's also okay to sometimes feel a little bit sad about the fact that you haven't met your person yet, because you're only human. The way we are built and designed is to be in relationships with other people, and you're someone who has high standards. You know, you don't wanna just settle for anyone. You want that special person who sees you, who knows you, who values the same things, who- Is willing to work on the relationship when things get hard, is open and communicative and grounded. Like you, there's a, a s- particular type of person that you want, and those people don't just come around every day. So in that time where you are not waiting, but the time before you meet that person, it is okay if sometimes you feel a little down about it or you feel a little sad about it. But I want to encourage you to do the work, to step into the woman who wants the relationship, moves towards it. So yeah, you're actively putting yourself out there, you're going on dates to meet people, but you're not destabilized by the timeline of it. You are not judging yourself for not having it yet. You're accepting of the fact that you are focused on controlling the things you can control, and you're releasing control to the things that you can't. And, you know the classic saying, "It'll happen when you least expect it," maybe it will, or maybe it will happen when you are expecting it Okay? We, it, who knows? Mysterious things happen every day. Just make sure you are staying in the energy of, "I am choosing people just as much as I would like to be chosen by the right person as well." Not waiting to be chosen by anyone. We're staying in that discerning energy. We are owning that we want a relationship. We're not ashamed of that, absolutely not. And we are prepared to wait until the right person comes along, and we're not gonna sit on the sidelines and stop living our life in the process. We're gonna continue living our life, doing our things, chasing our big goals and dreams, and remain open to that person walking in when the universe brings your paths together. All right, my loves, I'm gonna wrap this up there. I really hope that this resonated with you, and I would love to hear from you if it did, if this has alleviated maybe some of that internalized guilt or shame that you may have been carrying. And I just hope this has been a big permission slip for you to own the fact that you want a relationship and know that there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is sexy when someone knows what they want and they just own it, but from that grounded energy. All right, my friends, I hope you have a beautiful, beautiful week, and I will talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes