Ep #71: You’re Not “Just An Overthinker”… You’re In a Dysregulated Dating Pattern

In this episode, we’re calling out something that so many women quietly believe about themselves… “I’m just an overthinker.” It feels harmless, almost like a personality trait you’ve learnt to live with, but what if that label is actually keeping you stuck in the very patterns you’re trying to break?

Overthinking in dating isn’t cute or quirky, it’s exhausting. It pulls you out of the present moment, keeps you stuck in your head, and has you analysing every little thing instead of actually experiencing the connection in front of you. And the worst part? You start to believe that this is just who you are… something you have to manage, rather than something you can actually change.

This episode is about shifting that perspective.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why identifying as an “overthinker” is keeping you stuck in the exact patterns you want to break
• How hypervigilance, pattern tracking, and control are showing up in your dating life
• Why your body not feeling safe is what’s driving the mental spiral
• How to go from overthinking to grounded and secure in dating 

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram — I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway.

PEACEFULLY ATTACHED: https://www.mimiwatt.com/
MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA: Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) on Instagram HERE!

Transcript

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt Hey friends, welcome back to the club. How are you doing today? I hope you're doing well. I hope you're happy. I hope you're smiling now that you're tuning in. This week, we opened up our eighth intake of Peacefully Attached, and I wanna acknowledge that for a moment because I started this program, my signature program, which is my group coaching program, Peacefully Attached, I started this back in 2024 in January, and it has evolved and come so far since then. Not only are we in our eighth intake, but this program has evolved from a six-week course to a three-month journey. It has gotten so much deeper, so much more evolved as I have evolved, as I have grown as a person, as my teachings have evolved, as I've learned methodologies to support you and to just teach you the lessons that I'm learning along the way. It has evolved so much, and I'm so proud of what this program is today and where we've gotten to, and we have a growing community of our Peacefully Attached alumni students who are continuing to implement the Peacefully Attached framework and be supported and just be connected in the community, and it's really exciting. So just a moment to celebrate our eighth intake of this program, and I still honestly feel like we are only just getting started, and I plan on running this program for a long time to come. So if those of you, if any of you are listening who are in this current intake, I'm so excited to have you there, and we are kicking off with our welcome call. Oh, actually, no, we would've already had the welcome call because you're listening to this next week. But anyway, welcoming those of you who are inside, and if you are curious about Peacefully Attached, you've ever thought about wanting to work with me closer, I will leave the link in the show notes so that you can read more about it and check it out. Now, for today's episode, I wanna talk to those of you who are calling yourself an overthinker, a chronic overthinker in dating and relationships. And my guess is that this is going to be quite a few of you listening because most women in my audience who come to my podcast for content are in the space of having an anxious attachment, and we love that. We we love that because this is what this podcast is all about. I'm here to support you to become more secure. And one of the ways that I like to do that is to help you understand why you're doing the things that you're doing, and to recognize maybe some of the things that you might think are normal or just how you are or just how you've always been and how you will always be, and show you that it doesn't actually have to be that way, especially when it comes to things that feel draining for you or that you see as a problem and you're just sick of, you're just done with it, and one of those things is being an overthinker. Because let's be honest, overthinking in dating is fucking exhausting, and we get to the point where we're like, "Can I just shut my brain off for a minute and actually relax?" But I wanna talk about in today's episode why there is a problem with identifying as an overthinker, what that looks like, and what is actually happening underneath the surface, what's actually going on in your body that is driving this symptom of overthinking, and what needs to change in order to quiet that thinking brain and actually just feel more safe and grounded within yourself so that dating becomes a more enjoyable experience and you can focus on looking at signs of compatibility, connection, getting to know someone, rather than being so stuck in your head and feeling like you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop, or you're just waiting for them to leave, or you're over-analyzing things, because we don't have time for that, and it's exhausting. So that's what today's episode is going to be all about, and without further ado, let's dive in. Let me start by saying that you are not an overthinker. You've just gotten really good at scanning for threats in dating and calling it your personality just let that land for a second. Just let that simmer. I'm gonna say it one more time. You're not an overthinker. You've just gotten really good at scanning for threats in dating and calling it your personality. I think the reason we like to slap these labels on ourselves is because it's a way for us to very quickly make sense of our behavior. Our brain loves to know everything. It loves to know what's happening, why we're doing things, where things are going, and we need to be able to identify who we are and label our behavior because it helps us make sense of who we are in the world. So we grab this overthinker label because it's the lowest hanging fruit, and it makes sense, think, "Well, I'm thinking all the time. I'm overanalyzing, so surely I'm an overthinker." The other reason that you might have labeled yourself an overthinker is because of things that you have been told about yourself in dating or in your past relationships. So maybe you've been told that you are too much, that you're crazy, that you're just obsessing over things that don't matter. And when we hear that enough times, it's very natural to absorb that as fact, as truth, especially when it's coming from people whose love and attention and approval we crave. It's very important that we question the ways that we are labeling ourselves. Because whenever we begin a sentence with, "I am," whatever comes after those two words is what becomes our identity, and our identity dictates how we show up in the world, the decisions we make, the way we feel about ourselves, the actions that we do or don't take, and therefore, the results that we get in our lives. So it might sound like it's not a big deal. "Oh, it's just a label. I'm just, yeah, yeah, I'm just an overthinker. It's not a big deal." But it is a big deal, and I want you to start thinking of it as a big deal, okay? I want you to begin to question where this label even came from, and is it serving you? All of the labels that you have for yourself, in fact, are they serving you? Are they supporting you in creating the life that you want, the relationship you want, the person you wanna be? Or are they keeping you stuck in patterns, in old identities that you've actually outgrown and that you don't want anymore? That is why we're talking about this today. Because it's not just that you're an overthinker, you are in a dysregulated dating pattern. There's a very good reason as to why you might find yourself scanning for threats, scanning for signs that things aren't going to work, scanning for, quote, unquote, "danger" in a new connection What you probably call overthinking is actually hypervigilance, pattern tracking, and you trying to create certainty in an uncertain situation, which the early stages of dating are very uncertain, there's a lot of moving parts. There's a lot of factors that are outside of our control, and this makes sense. If you have dated avoidant people in the past or you've dated inconsistent people, then it makes sense that you are going to be feeling hypervigilant. You're going to be used to dynamics where there is a lot of uncertainty, where there's inconsistency. And if you're dating these types of people, then this typically stems back even further into your childhood and into the dynamics that you experienced with your parents or caregivers growing up. If there was a certain level of physical or emotional inconsistency, then this overthinking if that's what we're calling it, has been running for a very long time. It was born in the early stages of your life when you were literally dependent on your parents for survival. Without their love, their care, their consistent attention, you wouldn't survive, and whilst they may have met your needs on the survival level, like you had shelter, you had food, you had clothing, you had warmth, they were there, that doesn't mean that they were there in the ways that you needed them to be, especially from an emotional standpoint. Maybe they were constantly busy with work, and every time you were upset, they just turned you away because they were too busy and too stressed to actually deal with it, and they told you to just go to your room or just go and watch TV and just don't worry about it. They might think they're solving the problem, but you as a young child are still holding that dysregulation. You're still holding that emotion in your nervous system in your body, and you don't know what to do with it. You don't know how to process that you need support with something, and sometimes your parents will give it to you and sometimes they won't. So then that pattern of inconsistency and unpredictability has already begun from a very young age, and the patterns that we absorb as children usually end up dictating the patterns that we seek out as adults in our romantic relationships. This behavior of hypervigilance, meaning you are constantly just on edge, you are scanning, you are overanalyzing things, you're looking into things, you're questioning, "What does it mean when they said that?" Or, "Why haven't they gotten back to me?" Or, "Did they mean it when they said this thing?" It's happening for a really good reason. It's happening because you learnt somewhere along the way that you can't rely on people. You can't rely on them to be consistent, to create emotional safety for you. So anytime there is a bit of information or there's a bit of attention or there's a bit of interest, your system latches on. Think about it this way. If you were deserted on an island with no food, okay? You don't know how to get food. You're starving. And then all of a sudden you see a piece You see a mango, and that mango, because it's so scarce, becomes the most important thing to you in the world, and you will do whatever you can to not only get that mango but also to protect it, maybe to ration it, to hold onto it for as long as you can. This is the same thing that's happening in our emotional world as adults in relationships, but we're just sitting here calling it overthinking, when really it, it's a lot deeper than that. So the problem isn't that your brain is just too active, it's that your body doesn't feel safe. And when your body doesn't feel safe, your brain tries to control everything. When your body doesn't feel safe, your brain tries to control everything. 'Cause remember what I said earlier, your brain loves to have certainty. It loves to know what's going on, what's going to happen, and essentially just try to predict any possible problems or threats to your survival so that it can prepare solutions or it can try to alleviate those things from happening. And in dating, this is going to look like rereading texts a million times, trying to find if there's any, secret messages in there or, codes that you didn't pick up on. You're going to be checking when they were last online. Have they watched my Instagram story when they haven't replied? And then why is that? Have they changed how they feel about me? What are they thinking? You're analyzing if their tone has shifted slightly, and what does that mean? So maybe they're just having a really busy day at work, and they're still contacting you, but it's... Maybe the text isn't as long as you thought it might be, So you think, "Oh my God, they don't like me anymore. They're off me. Something's happening." Or maybe it looks like spiraling after a date that actually went really well. Yeah. Because it went so well, it felt so good that your hypervigilance is activated, and so you think, "Oh my God, it was so good. I can't lose this. I don't wanna fuck this up, so what do I need to do to make sure I don't?" Okay, so all of a sudden, instead of just enjoying the experience of the amazing date that you had, it turns into this negative thing. We drop into this desperate energy, this l- trying to latch on and make sure we don't do anything that could jeopardize this potential relationship that could be forming. We think that if we can just control everything, if we have all the answers to everything, then we'll finally be safe But when has that ever actually happened? Because you might be across things one day and you feel like you're in control, but then the next day something else might happen and you feel out of control again, and it's exhausting, and you work yourself into the ground. And when you get into this space of chronic overthinking or overanalyzing, it takes you away from being able to just live your damn life. This is when we can't focus at work because we are constantly checking our phone. We can't be present when we're having dinner with our family or with our girlfriends because our mind is just spiraling in the background trying to figure out what's going on with this person, or when you're gonna hear from them next, or what are they doing, and are they with someone else? And it really takes away from the things that are important to you outside of this person that most of the time you don't even really know yet. Because yes, this for sure can happen in relationships, and that's another conversation, but in the early stages of dating, because there is so much uncertainty, we are placing so much emphasis on someone who we don't even know if they deserve a position in our life yet. But what's happening is we're not actually focusing on how good that person is. We go into, "How do I not lose this connection?" Because remember when we were young, we couldn't rely that every time we needed emotional support, we wouldn't always get it. It was inconsistent, so therefore our body is remembering that inconsistency and it's projecting that the same thing is going to happen with this person. And ironically, not all the time, but sometimes we end up pushing these people away because of this hypervigilance, because we can end up projecting these fears onto them and making problems or drama when there is none, and therefore pushing that person away, because that's not gonna feel very good, is it? Imagine if you were dating someone, like let's just flip the table for- the roles for a second. If in your mind everything's great, things are moving along nicely, you're being consistent with them, but this person is freaking out when nothing's even happened yet, right? Like, they're texting you all the time because they're needing constant reassurance that you're still into them, that things are going okay. It's, it's not an attractive quality. But this isn't to put shame on you. I can empathize because I've been here myself. This is just about understanding, what this feels like for the other person, and also where this is coming from, where this behavior is derived from within yourself. So if you're listening to this and you're recognizing yourself in this, I don't want your takeaway to be, "Okay, cool. So I'm just dysregulated, and now I'm stuck like this." Because that's not the point. The point is actually the opposite. It's that this isn't who you are. It's something that your system has learnt to do, and anything that has been learnt can be unlearnt. But here's where I need to be honest with you because this is where a lot of people tend to get, tripped up, especially the women who come into my world. You're not going to think your way out of this, and I know that's probably not what you wanna hear, especially if you're someone who is very self-aware. You listen to podcasts like this. You consume content. You journal. You reflect. You get it, okay? You understand why you do what you do, but understanding it and changing it are two, uh, very different things. As I've said before, I'll say it again, this isn't just happening in your mind. This is happening in your body, and this is why you can sit there and tell yourself, "Oh, you know, they're probably just busy," or, "It's not that deep," or, "Just relax. It's fine. Just don't worry about it." But your body doesn't feel safe. Your brain is going to keep firing anyway, okay? So you can tell yourself these things, but if your body doesn't feel safe, your brain is not going to just magically shut up and be quiet. It's going to keep ruminating and spiraling, and that's why this feels like this constant battle between what you know and what you feel. So the work here isn't to just try to shut off your brain and silence it. It's to create enough safety in your body that your brain doesn't feel the need to go into overdrive in the first place Okay, I'm gonna say it again. The goal here is to create enough safety in your body that your brain doesn't feel the need to go into overdrive in the first place. And this is where we start to feel a change. Because instead of asking yourself, "How do I stop overthinking?" I want you to start asking yourself, "What is my body not feeling safe in right now?" It's such a different question. It puts you back in a position of power rather than feeling like you're at the mercy of your own thoughts. So let's make this really practical. Let's say you go on a date with someone, it went really well, and now it's been a couple of hours and you haven't heard from them, and you can feel that spiral starting. Your brain's gonna go into, "What does this mean? Do they like me? Did I do something wrong?" Instead of following that train, I want you to pause, okay? So when you catch yourself in these thoughts, pause. Take a second to actually just drop into your body. Maybe that looks like closing down the eyes, taking a deep breath, placing a hand on your chest, one hand on your belly. Like, physically connect and drop into your body and just notice, "What am I feeling right now?" Physically describe what you're feeling. Is it tightness in your chest? Is it a pit in your stomach? Is it this restless, agitated energy where you feel like you need to do something, you just can't sit still because it's so uncomfortable? Whatever it is you're feeling, that is the thing that needs your attention. It's not the text, it's not the person, it's not the outcome, it's that feeling. We are bringing the focus and attention, excuse me, back into creating safety within the body. Because when you can learn to sit with the sensation, to acknowledge it, to soothe it, to regulate it, without immediately trying to fix it through control or reaching out or overanalyzing, you start to build trust with yourself. You start to build safety internally. This is the golden nugget right here. This is where things change, because when we are feeling safe and regulated, we can see things with clearer perspective. We can look at a situation for what it actually is. We can look at the person for who they actually are and decide if that's aligned with us or not, decide if they're good enough or not. Because we're not lost in the hypervigilance of just trying to control the outcome no matter what. And over time, your body starts to learn, "I'm actually okay here. I'm actually okay whether this works out or it doesn't. I don't need to panic. I don't need to chase this. I don't need to grip onto this. I'm good." And from there, the overthinking naturally starts to quiet down because it's no longer needed. Remember, the overthinking is your brain's way of trying to get control because control feels safe. But when you create safety internally within yourself, you stop feeling the need to try and control everything outside of yourself. And this is the shift from anxious to secure. This is what feels really good. Yeah? So it's not that It's also not that secure women or secure people never have any of these thoughts like this. They can definitely still arise, and they still do for me sometimes. It's just that you don't get hijacked by them, right? So the difference is you feel something, you notice it, you regulate, and then you choose how you want to respond rather than reacting from that initial spike The other thing I want to say is that your sensitivity, your ability to read people and pick up on subtle shifts is not something that needs to be gotten rid of. It's actually a strength. I think it's such a beautiful quality when people are deeply in touch with their emotions and in touch with other people's emotions. But right now, it's being driven by fear instead of groundedness. So I don't want you to set the goal for yourself to try to become someone who doesn't care or is just chill all the time or is literally unfazed by how things turn out. That's not what we're doing. I want you to become someone who feels safe enough within themselves that you don't need to grip or chase or control in order to feel okay. Because that's the version of you that's going to show up differently in dating and therefore create different, healthier relationships. That version of you isn't sitting there wondering if she's good enough. She's observing if the other person is. She's not obsessing over every little shift. She's paying attention to consistency over time. This is the energy that creates healthy, secure relationships. So if you've been sitting here thinking up until this point, "I just need to stop overthinking," I want you to leave this episode with a different understanding. It's not that you need to fix your brain or there's something wrong with your brain. You need to support your nervous system. Because once your body feels safe, your mind will follow and everything in dating starts to feel a whole lot calmer, clearer, and honestly just easier. You can make an already tricky situation much easier on yourself by supporting your body to feel safe. So take this as an invitation to start paying attention to what's happening underneath the thoughts, not just the thoughts themselves. That is where the real work is, my friend. All right. I'm gonna wrap this episode there. I hope you have enjoyed this. I'd love to hear your takeaways over on Instagram. I hope you have a beautiful week, my friend, and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes