Ep #75: Boundaries Aren’t Enough: How To Choose Better Partners

In this episode, we’re diving into one of the most important conversations we can have when it comes to secure dating: why boundaries and communication are essential, but they are not the whole transformation.

So many women do the work of learning how to express their needs, speak up when something doesn’t feel right, and communicate instead of silently spiralling… but then they keep dating people who ignore, dismiss, minimise, or repeatedly fail to meet those needs. And that’s where the real problem begins.

In this episode, we explore the difference between becoming a better communicator and becoming a better chooser, why over-explaining can quietly become self-abandonment, and how to start paying attention to what someone does after you communicate, not just what they promise in the moment.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why communication is only powerful when the other person is actually receptive to it
• How to tell the difference between a genuine mistake and a pattern you need to believe
• Why over-communicating can sometimes be a sign you’re attached to someone’s potential
• What to focus on in early dating so you’re choosing from reality, not chemistry or hope
• How to shift from trying to convince someone to meet you, to choosing people who already have the capacity to meet you

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram — I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway.

PEACEFULLY ATTACHED: https://www.mimiwatt.com/

MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA: Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) on Instagram HERE!

Transcript

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You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt Hey, friends. Welcome back to the club. Boundaries aren't enough. I know that this might sound like I'm coming for everything you've been taught about healthy relationships, but stay with me because this is a very important topic we need to discuss. This is where many women, maybe yourself included, I know this used to be me, get stuck, is we learn how to communicate, we learn how to express our needs, and how to say, you know, "Hey, this doesn't feel good for me." And that is such important work. But then the issue lies in when we keep dating the person who ignores, dismisses, minimizes, or repeatedly fails to meet those needs. And then you wonder why you still don't feel secure. So in this episode, I wanna talk about the difference between being a better communicator and becoming a better chooser. Because one will help you express yourself, but the other will change the entire caliber of people that you allow into your life. So let's dive in. This is potentially one of the most important conversations you and I are gonna have here on this podcast, so please listen up. Open your mind, open your ears, and strap in, okay? Because I care about you, and I care about your success when it comes to your love life, with how you feel within yourself and the type of relationship that I know is available to you, the love that you deserve. I want you to be able to attract that person in and to choose that person and cultivate the relationship you want. And what we are talking about today is absolutely instrumental in helping you be able to do that I've been having some conversations with some of my clients just this past week, and there, there's something I need to validate first, right, before we go into this topic, and that is that setting boundaries is a huge fucking step. Communicating your needs is a huge step. Speaking up instead of silently spiraling or keeping things to yourself and just hoping they're going to change is a monumental step. Telling something Sorry. Telling someone when something doesn't feel right for you or sit right with you, it's huge, okay? Especially for women who have spent years people-pleasing, over-functioning, staying quiet, hoping the person would magically read their mind, or just pretending that they were chill when they were really not, when they were really riddled with anxiety internally and feeling unseen and unheard and misunderstood in their relationships. I want to validate and give you that acknowledgement that if you are taking those steps, you are way ahead of the curve and you should be so proud of yourself. Because doing those things when you come from a background of having anxious attachment and the fear of abandonment and rejection is so alive in your body, doing that is a huge step. So you should be really proud of yourself. But whilst learning to communicate is necessary, it's not the whole transformation, okay? It's the first layer, but the deeper layer after that is learning how to observe what someone does with your communication. And not only what they do with your communication, but then how you choose to respond or what decisions you make based off that observation and based off that data. So when you communicate a need, you're not just trying to get a certain outcome, okay? You're collecting information. You're collecting data. I really want you to think about this. In those early stages of dating, try to We wanna stay away from getting attached too quickly, and we wanna stay in that almost, like, scientist headspace, where we are collecting data, we are observing patterns of behavior, and we're asking ourselves questions like, "Can this person hear me? Can they take responsibility? Can they respond without making me the problem or without making me feel bad for bringing something up? Can they adjust their behavior off the back of that conversation? Can they care about my experience even if it's inconvenient for them?" Okay? Because this is really what's going to tell you, is this someone who is emotionally available and who respects me and who can hold space for real conversation? Or is this someone who actually isn't emotionally available and as soon as there's any sort of vulnerability or maybe discomfort or a need for them to compromise, they shut down or they push you away, or they're just not able to go there with you. Yeah? So the goal here is not to communicate so perfectly that the wrong person finally gets on board or finally becomes right or sees the light or sees how amazing you are. The goal is to communicate clearly enough that you can see who you're actually dealing with. Are you with me? So again, it's not about how good can you be at communicating, how well can you set a boundary, how much can you advocate for yourself. It's about doing it to the best of your ability and then observing, who am I dealing with on the other side of this? How are they responding to me? Because I can tell you right now, you don't have to be an amazing communicator or anything like that in order to get your point across and be heard by the right person I want you to just take a moment to reflect right now, and if you look back over your past, over your dating history, can you just already into this conversation, can you identify maybe times where you stayed longer than you should have, or you spent so much time trying to explain yourself in the most articulate, emotionally intelligent way that you could, and you still couldn't get through to that other person? It was like no matter what you said, they just kept doing the same shit. They kept turning it around on you. You constantly felt like you were the problem. Can you identify that at some point in your dating history? I know for sure that I can. Okay? And I don't say this to shame you at all. I really want you to, to know that I come from such an empathetic place because I have been here myself, and there's a very good reason why we do this. Why do we as self-aware, emotionally intelligent women keep sticking around when someone isn't giving us the response that we deserve when we communicate or when we set boundaries? And it's because we, we are over-communicating because we are attached to potential. It's not... You're not responding to the person in front of you, you're responding to who you believe that person could become if they finally understood, if they finally, you know, did some work on themselves or healed. If they finally stopped being so damn avoidant and could just see how amazing you are, then they would get it. And underneath that persistence is often a fear of walking away too soon, a fear of being too much, a fear that having standards is going to leave you alone forever. Like, if you have standards and communicate them, no one's gonna wanna be with you and you're gonna be rejected and left alone. Or a belief that love is something you have to earn by being patient enough or understanding enough or low maintenance enough. Does that resonate with you? We keep going because, and when we, if we take this all the way back to our attachment system and where our blueprint was formed, when we were children, because we were so dependent on our parents for survival, we needed their, th- them to provide physical safety, shelter, but definitely emotional safety and consistency as well. And even if they didn't give it to us, because we were dependent on them, and we are biologically designed to be obsessed with our parents when we're kids, we're g- of course, we're gonna keep going. We're gonna keep trying to earn their love. We're going to try to be whatever we think they want us to be so that we can attain as much love and affection from them as possible. So if you're doing this, if you are saying like, "Mimi, I do communicate, I do set boundaries, I am doing all the things, but why aren't the people I'm dating, why aren't they responding to that and actually meeting me where I'm at and matching my energy?" And you keep staying with them, don't be hard on yourself if you're in that place right now because there's a very good reason as to why that is happening. And all of this is driven subconsciously. This is your nervous system just putting you, or keeping you, I should say, in a state that is familiar, in a state where you need to keep trying, keep performing, keep overgiving, keep justifying and explaining because maybe one day they'll turn around and love you and choose you. But we are not children anymore. We are grown-ass women, and we need this awareness so that we can then make new decisions and informed decisions about, "Do I wanna keep doing this? Is this serving me, or is there a better way that I could be operating right now?" Over-explaining in dating or with someone you're seeing, it can feel like self-advocacy, but when the same need keeps getting ignored, that's when it becomes self-abandonment. Because someone is showing you again and again and again, "I'm not going to do the thing you need me to do. I'm not going to... Or I'm gonna say that I will, but I won't." And so when we choose to stay with someone who's behaving that way, that's when we are abandoning ourselves. We are abandoning our inner child because by staying, the indirect message is, "It's okay for me to be treated this way. It's okay that my needs aren't being met." That's really what is happening, which is self-abandonment, just the opposite of self-advocacy. It feels like self-advocacy, but it's not. Okay? So let's talk about the difference between a mistake or something that is worth staying for with someone versus a pattern, okay? Because I don't want you to take away from this that, you know, if someone messes up one time, or they make one mistake, or they say they're going to meet a need and then they don't, or they fuck up, I'm not saying that if they do that once, you should run away, and you should just not, uh, not give them the time of day to see if it's gonna change, okay? We're not looking for perfect people because perfect people do not exist, and if they did, they'd probably be deeply boring. What you're looking for isn't perfection, it's receptiveness. Receptiveness, okay? So let's talk about the difference here. A mistake is when someone misses the mark, but they care, they listen, they take ownership, and the most important part, there is some kind of shift, meaning their behavior and their actions, you see a change in that, not just what they say they're going to do. You see it happening in real time. A pattern, on the other hand, is when you keep having conversations or versions of the same conversation, but nothing meaningfully changes. So a mistake can be worked with if that person is receptive and open to working on it, and a pattern needs to be believed. The issue here is when... It's not when someone fucks up or they get it wrong once. So people are going to make mistakes, people are going to let you down. It's just part of being human. But the issue is when they keep showing you the same thing, and you keep acting like the next conversation is going to reveal a completely different person. Yeah? It's sort of like when you know when you have a piece of clothing in your wardrobe and you know it just doesn't... You don't feel good in it, it does not fit you properly, it does not serve you, it does not spark joy, but you keep holding onto it because you keep saying to yourself, "Ah, like, maybe I do like this. Maybe it'll look good next time, or with that outfit, or for this event." And so you keep it in your wardrobe, and every few months you pull it out and you put it on, and then you end up taking it off 'cause you're like, "No, it doesn't make me feel good," but I, I love the idea of this piece of clothing, or I love what it represents, or who I could be in it, or objectively I just love it. But when you put it on, it doesn't make you feel good. Yeah? So we need to stop being delusional with this item of clothing, and we also need to apply the same logic to our dating life, and not... I mean, I don't mean to compare a human to a piece of clothing. They're very different. But at the end of the day, like someone shows you who they are pretty quickly, and we need to start believing them. Now, I'm gonna give you some things to focus on so you can take something tangible away from this episode and start applying it to your life. Before I do that, I need to make a very important disclaimer. Doing this is not going to be comfortable. It is straight up probably going to suck sometimes for you because you're going to be so aware after listening to this that you kind of can't bullshit yourself anymore. Yeah? Like, you might be in a situation right now, or you might be one in the future, and you can see this exact, exact pattern playing out, and you will hear me in your head. You will hear Mimi's voice and say, "Fuck, this is what the bitch was talking about. This is what she was talking about. I know in my gut, I know in my heart, this person is not taking me seriously. They are not meeting my needs, and this is where I need to not persist and hope they're going to change. I need to make a decision based off who they are right now," and that might very well mean walking away and ending the connection, which is very challenging to do when you Especially when you have developed some form of attachment to that person. And when you see glimpses of who they could be, you see glimpses of their potential, and you so badly wanna cling to that and give it Just give it a few more weeks. Give it a bit more time. Show them how amazing you are. I so understand what it's like to wanna hold onto that 'cause it feels good to have a connection with someone. It feels good to have affection and attention and love and all the things. But if that's what you've been doing up until now, is that working for you? I'm gonna guess if you're not in the relationship you know you should be in, that you wanna be in right now, it hasn't been working for you. So we need to change our approach. And yes, it's going to be uncomfortable, but you're already in discomfort. You're already uncomfortable in these situationships or in these early months of dating people who make you feel so frustrated because they're not changing. You're already in discomfort. The difference is want... That form of discomfort is what leads to long-term suffering and resentment, and the other type of discomfort that we're talking about here, about choosing different people, making better choices, is a short-term discomfort. Because right on the other side, you'll know what I'm talking about here. You know when you make a decision in your life and you're scared to make that call, you're scared to do that thing, but deep down you know it's right for you, or you know it's going to benefit you, and then as soon as you make the decision and you do whatever the action step is that solidifies that you've made that decision, you instantly feel a state, a sense of relief. You feel alignment in your body, and that nagging voice that's been in the back of your head saying, "Do it, do it, do it. You know you need to do this. You know you need to do this. You know you need to do this," goes quiet. And you're like, "Ah, I did it." And you're so proud of yourself. So proud of yourself. So just know that, but it's, it's honestly, it's a good type of discomfort. All right, here are some things to focus on to become a better chooser in data. In chooser in data. Chooser in dating, so you can start to have better, healthier, more secure relationships with people who are receptive, who want to meet you where you're at, who wanna meet your needs, who respect your boundaries, who love open communication, and who actually change their behavior, not just give you empty promises. So number one, speaking of promises, is focus on receptiveness, not promises. It's very easy for someone to say, "I hear you. I'll do better. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel that way." But the real question is whether their behavior changes after the conversation. So it's... Anyone can say anything, okay? So do not give weight to those empty pr- to those promises that they make. You need to stay in observer mode and see how their behavior changes or doesn't change after the conversation So let's ground this with an example. I can think of an example, um, that a client gave me recently actually. So she was seeing this guy, and they were four months into seeing each other. They were not... They didn't have a label in their relationship, but they were exclusively dating. And she noticed that he was constantly liking other girls' photos on Instagram. Like, all of these, you know, beautiful girls, these, these posts they would put up, he was liking them, and that wasn't feeling good for her. It was making her feel, um, you know, maybe a little bit insecure, or she just didn't feel like he only had eyes for her, and it wasn't feeling good. So she brought it up with him and told him, like, "I'm noticing that you're doing this, and that doesn't make me feel safe and secure in this relationship and where it's going. And, you know, I would ask that you don't do that anymore, like, if you're available for that." So and when she told him, he took it on board, he heard her, and that's great. It's amazing that she had that conversation, but then we need to be focusing on what happens after that. So did he actually stop liking the girls' photos? And if he did, that means he's heard her, he's taken it on board, and he knows that this is an important thing for her to feel safe and secure, and he's gonna get on board with that. Or does he... You know, maybe it's like one or two weeks go by, he doesn't do it, and then in week three she notices him doing it again. That is the data we're looking out for. All The next thing to focus on is focus on emotional availability, not chemistry. Chemistry can make something as, or someone feel significant very quickly, but it does not automatically mean that they have the capacity to be consistent, honest, caring, or relational. Okay, we all know the feeling when there's that chemistry with someone. You meet them and you're just intoxicated by each other. You wanna jump their bones. You feel that pull towards them. You know, when you kiss, you get the flutters throughout your entire body, and all of a sudden you just wanna be around that person all the time. You wanna text them every day. You wanna tell them every little detail about yourself and your life, and it feels so significant. But we don't see someone's true intentions and true character in that short burst of intensity. We see it in longer stretches of time, and if they are consistent with the way that they communicate with you, with the way that they hold space for you, if they are caring, if they are thoughtful, if they follow through on the things they say they're going to do, if the level of interest in you and reciprocity and initiation of conversation and dates, is all of that consistent? That's what we're looking out for. And if someone is, that's a good sign that they are emotionally available. So remember, when there's intense chemistry, people can say fucking anything to make you feel like you are the most precious gift on God's given Earth, and that you are like an angel that's dropped out of heaven, and they don't know-- they can't believe they met you and how lucky they are to have you in their lives. That, it's like smoke and mirrors, my friend. Maybe sometimes that's true, and the-- you and that person do end up married, and you go off into the sunset and live happily ever after. But for most people, for most... Like, nine times out of 10, that is just chemistry and hormones going crazy. So don't focus on that. Focus on who they're being consistently over time, and again, if they are able to be receptive to the challenges, to the, the needs as those things come up, as the relationship develops The next one, it's kind of similar, but it's focus on patterns, not isolated moments. So what I mean by this is we don't want to be focusing on just one beautiful date or one vulnerable conversation or one sweet message if they are being used to cancel out a broader pattern of inconsistency or avoidance. Okay, I see this happening a lot with people is the person they're seeing will be kind of shitty in the way that they're showing up for that person. But then if they can feel you pulling away, they'll swoop in with some grand gesture and make you feel really special and try to win you over again because it's just a way for them to keep you in their orbit because it's c- you're convenient for them, right? They like having you around, but at the same time they're not willing or able to give you the commitment or the consistency that you want. So they'll do these one-off grand gestures just to keep you hooked. So make sure you are not, uh, allowing those isolated moments to blind you to the broader pattern at play here. The next thing to focus on is focus on your body, not just your hope. Let me explain. When you're with someone, if your nervous system is constantly activated, meaning if you feel anxious, you feel confused, you are preoccupied. So for example, when you're at work, when you're with your friends, you're really anxious, you cannot think straight, you can't focus. Um, and if you're feeling like you have to bend over backwards to get, like, your basic needs met from someone, that's really important that you pay attention to that, okay? It doesn't-- not saying this means you should run away immediately because when we have an anxious attachment style, sometimes it can be our fears and our projections of what we fear might happen getting the better of us instead of it actually being the person who is toxic for us or, um, triggering things. So I'm not saying you should run away straight away, but I am saying if your, if your nervous system is constantly activated with this person, be it because they are inconsistent and you don't know when you're gonna hear from them next, or they say they're gonna do something, they don't always follow through, or, you know, you have a great night together, you're intimate, and then you don't hear from them for three days, but then they come back like nothing ever happened. If that kind of stuff is happening, we really need to be paying attention to this because your body will tell you if you feel safe with someone or not. It will tell you if they are right in terms of they're, they're doing the things required by someone to develop a secure, safe relationship between the two of you. Your body will know. Okay? So again, is this a constant thing? Have you been seeing this person for a few months now and you're still feeling highly anxious? Then it's likely that they are, they are not good for you. They're not right for you. The next one is focus on whether you're becoming more yourself or less yourself. Okay? This is a really strong point to remember because healthy connection will usually expand you. It will make you step into more of your authentic self. You will want to take up more space. You will feel safe to be seen, all the good things. But the wrong connection often will shrink you. Okay? You become more careful. You become more anxious, strategic, uh, more afraid to speak up because maybe the connection feels like it's hanging by a thread and you don't wanna do anything to fuck it up. You are more willing to accept crumbs of attention because you just don't wanna lose the person. So are you becoming less of yourself or more of yourself? All of these focus points are going to help you to understand if you are choosing-- or they're gonna help you in the, the process, I should say, of choosing better partners so that we don't get to the point of over-communicating and over-justifying and over-explaining just to try to change someone's mind or change the way they see you or feel about you. We wanna be having better discernment earlier on so we can avoid that headache, so we can be with people who are receptive to what you need The identity shift we're focusing on here is going from convincing to choosing. Okay, the old identity that's rooted in convincing is when your mind is spinning questions like, "How do I get them to understand me? How do I make them see my worth? How do I make them meet my needs? How do I stop being too much? How do I communicate this without pushing them away?" Notice how all of those questions are fear-based. You are sitting in a fear-based energy with those questions. You are coming from a place of lack, not from a place of abundance. So the secure identity is in the choosing. This is where we ask ourself questions like, "Is this person showing me they have the capacity to meet me where I'm at?" Meaning, can they come to the table? Can they get on board? Can they change their actions? Do I feel emotionally safe here with this person? Are their words and actions aligned? Am I choosing this person based on reality? Meaning, am I choosing who they are right now, or potential, who I think or hope they could be? And is this connection asking me to abandon myself? meaning when I'm with this person and in this relationship, do I feel that I have to minimize or hide certain parts of myself in order to keep their interest or in order to, to not push them away or to, to not have them be off me? Cause the secure version of you is not trying to become easier to love for someone who is not loving you or even before love, right? It's not about becoming easier for someone to, to like or be attracted to. It's learning how to choose people who don't require you to disappear in order to stay connected. They don't require you to hurt yourself and abandon yourself in order to be heard. And I really had to learn this the hard way. You know, I used to think I was being so self-aware and so, uh, you know, good at relationships because I could articulate my needs, and I would explain my feelings, and I would bring things up, and I would name what wasn't working. But what I couldn't do yet was walk away when someone repeatedly showed me that they didn't have the capacity or willingness to meet me where I was at, I was told for years, you know, "You're so emotionally intelligent. You're, you're so open with your feelings. You're this, you're that." And so I had... I was like, "Yeah, fuck yeah, I'm, I'm great at this stuff. I'm great at relationships." But then I would always say, "But why is it so hard? Why, why is it so fucking hard?" And I realized looking back, I was just always trying to change people. I was picking and choosing emotionally unavailable, avoidant people and trying to change them, where I believed that better communication would save things, and I always ended up leaving relationships feeling less confident than I was when I entered. That was the pattern for me. It was always at the beginning of the relationship, I felt really confident in who I was. I felt, you know, empowered. I was like, "Yeah, of course, they like me." And then by the time that, you know, short-term relationship or relationship ended, I would always feel sort of like a shell of myself. My confidence was low. My self-worth had taken a hit, um, until the, a breakup I went through in 2020 really forced me to look at my pattern. You know, that was when, that was that point in my journey, my turning point, where I thought, "There's no way I can do this again. I don't wanna go through another relationship that is this hard, where I feel like I'm bashing my head up against a wall just for decent respect and attention and care." And This is when I, so yeah, this is when I started my healing journey and this is when I was, you know, educating myself on attachment theory. I invested in a relationship coaching program. I took a, I took a break from dating for a year, and I poured everything into understanding what it meant to have a secure relationship. What does it mean to be secure in relationships? But what I realized amongst all of that experience was I had been putting a lot of my energy into becoming a better communicator when what I needed was to learn how to choose better partners. I needed a system, I needed a framework, I needed to know what to look for that would save me months and months of heartbreak and pain. Yeah? So we need to... What's that saying? We need to start with the end in mind, something like that. It's like don't choose someone because you see their potential and you think how good it will be when they finally pull their head out their ass. No. Choose someone who you feel safe with, you feel good with for who they are now. Okay? So I want you to keep in your back pocket not how can I communicate this better, okay? But h- what has this person already shown me? What are they showing me? What's the data that I'm collecting off the back of this? What happens after I communicate my needs? Do I feel safer, clearer, and more connected? Or do I feel more confused, anxious, guilty, and responsible for keeping the relationship alive when it feels like this other person fucking couldn't care less? Am I giving this person a genuine chance, or am I using endless chances as a way to avoid the grief and discomfort of walking away? And lastly, am I dating who they are or who I hope they'll become? If you need to rewind this and write those questions down, do it because this is the kind of introspection and reflection you need to be having with yourself in this, in these early stages of dating. And like I said, it will be uncomfortable because when you answer these questions honestly, you may have to make the call of, "Well, yeah, this isn't working." You know, "This isn't the person for me." And like I said, it's not about if they make one mistake or they get it wrong once or maybe even twice, but is it happening more than that? Is it ongoing? And that's when you need to be super honest with yourself. All right, my love, I hope that this episode has lovingly shook, shooken, shook, shaken you awake and invited you to start looking at your dating process in a new way. And if this episode gave you that slightly uncomfortable feeling of, "Oh God, this is exactly what I've been doing," please don't shame yourself for it. As always, awareness is not here to punish you. It's here to wake you up. It's here to make you more empowered and more informed. And if you want to go deeper into the actual process of doing this work and having a defined process for how you can choose better partners, which will then lead to more self-trust, healthier relationships, less self-abandonment, then this is the process that we go deeper into inside my signature program, Peacefully Attached. So if you're curious to learn more about that and what it would look like to work with me and have a lot of intimate support, then I will leave the link in the show notes for you to check it out. As I'm recording this, our next intake is beginning in September 2026, and if this feels aligned, I would love to have you in there. So check it out, and if you have any questions about it, you can just send me a DM on Instagram and, uh, I would love to have a conversation with you about how this may be right for you and what it would look like to move ahead with it. But other than that, take what I've given you today, start practicing it, start implementing it, and let me know how you go. I'd love to know if this opened your eyes in a new way or just you had some aha moments. Um, or if you have any questions off the back of what I've spoken about today, again, send me a DM on Instagram and, uh, send me a little message. All right, my loves, that is it for today. I hope you have a beautiful week, and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes