Ep #79: Your Next Evolution Requires You to Get Uncomfortable

In this episode, we’re talking about what your next evolution in love is actually going to require from you. You can be intelligent, self-aware, successful and completely capable in every other area of your life, yet the moment you really like someone, suddenly find yourself shrinking, staying quiet, overlooking things you know aren’t right and becoming a version of yourself designed to keep them choosing you.

The truth is, knowing your patterns isn’t always enough to change them. If your nervous system still associates speaking up, walking away, choosing someone healthy or doing something differently with danger, you can understand exactly what you should do and still snap straight back into what feels familiar.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why you can be incredibly self-aware and still repeat the same relationship patterns
• Why changing who you choose requires changing what you believe you’re worthy of
• How your nervous system can keep pulling you back towards familiar relationships, even when you consciously want something different
• Why your capacity to tolerate discomfort is one of the biggest predictors of whether you’ll actually choose differently
• How combining conscious mindset work with nervous system and subconscious work can help you create lasting change

🎧 Tune in now! And if this episode resonates, send me a DM on Instagram — I’d love to hear your biggest takeaway.

JOIN PEACEFULLY ATTACHED: https://www.mimiwatt.com/

MIMI SOCIAL MEDIA: Come say hi 👋 (or DM me your biggest takeaway) on Instagram HERE!

Transcript

0:52

You are listening to the Secure Love Club podcast. I'm your host, Mimi Watt Hey friends, welcome back to the club. I wanna talk to you today about what your next evolution of self requires from you. This is coming from a place of pure inspiration because I have been speaking to women in my world, women who I know both personally and who I have met and I am getting to know through my community on Instagram, and there's a pattern that I want to address. And that pattern is that these women who I speak with have so much going for them, and I'm sure if you're listening to this episode, you're the same. You have so much going for you. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are kind. You are funny. You are loving. You have a huge heart and so much to offer to the world and to the right person. And in many ways, you are fulfilling that capacity, you're fulfilling that potential of who you are. However, when it comes to love, when it comes to your relationships, you are not this version of yourself. You end up being this version of yourself that is some sort of replica or creation or illusion of what you think someone else needs you to be or wants you to be in order for them to keep choosing you. It's like the moment that you start dating someone or you realize that you like them, the version of you that existed on the outside of that connection, she doesn't exist anymore. All of a sudden, you are making yourself smaller. You are being quiet when you wanna speak up. You are overlooking things. You are constantly on edge, scanning for how that other person is feeling, what they might be thinking, what they're saying, what their mood is like, and you are changing yourself based on that information and doing all that you can not to rock the boat And then, and I say this with so much love, and then you are complaining that you're still in these dead-end relationships or that you keep ending up with people who start out great but then never actually step up to the plate and meet your needs in the way that you deserve. People who start out strong and then just turn at the flick of a switch and actually are really selfish and they are not emotionally available. And what I wanna say is that you need, you need to take such an honest look in the mirror because it's not about the other people, the people you date. It's actually not even about them. It's about yourself and why you keep accepting this type of treatment and this type of love because this is truly what it comes down to. We only choose what we think we are worthy of. So if you keep choosing the same people, you s- you keep creating the same dynamics, there's a very good reason for it. It's because you keep choosing what you think you are worthy of. And your next evolution is going to require something drastic and something different of you if you truly want to break these patterns that you've been running in for your entire life. If you want to feel secure within yourself, like you, you When you're dating someone, you don't change who you are. You stay as your authentic self. You're not afraid to speak up and communicate because you trust that, well, if they're the right person, they're going to be able to meet me where I'm at here and they're not going to dismiss me or shut me down. And if they do, that's on them and I'm not gonna stay with that kind of person because I'm good and I've got me. I'm safe and secure within myself. This next evolution of you is where you step into your power and you finally start choosing people who are not a part of your pattern, but who are on the same level as your most secure self because I know you have that within you. I can see it within you and with all these women that I speak to. And how can I see it? Because I used to be exactly the same. And I knew. It's not that I didn't think I was not a good person or that I didn't have love to give. It's that I kept choosing people who were below what I knew I deserved because I didn't believe I was worthy of more And that was my pattern for years and years and years. And it's not that something in the universe happened that all of a sudden I stopped attracting those people who treated me way less than I deserved and started just, these other people started showing up and choosing me. No. It was that I changed internally, and therefore I started choosing differently. Okay? I stopped choosing emotional unavailability. I stopped choosing people who disrespected me, who gaslit me, who made me feel like I was a problem, like I was too much when I would express my emotions. I stopped choosing that because I no longer related with that type of relationship, because I saw myself differently. I thought of myself differently. And so I started choosing people who reflected the worth I now felt within myself. I chose people who weren't afraid of vulnerability, who welcomed emotional conversations, who took accountability for their actions. 'Cause I'm not saying these people are perfect. They're still human. They're still gonna make mistakes. But when they did, or they did something to hurt me, they take accountability. They don't shy away from check-ins or, you know, how are things going, where are we at. They welcome me into their life and vice versa. They don't keep me hidden away. All of this changed because I knew that to get to my next evolution of self, it was going to require me to do the work internally so that I could begin choosing differently. Because being stuck in these patterns, I do wanna say this, it is not your fault It's not your fault. As we know, this is the result of childhood conditioning. This is the result of patterns that we developed as children in order to get the love that we needed to survive from our parents or caregivers. When we didn't just get it in the, the full abundance that we needed, we started to learn coping mechanisms or survival techniques of, "Okay, what do I need to do here to not make dad mad, or to not upset mom, or to get their approval? Do I need to be really quiet? Do I need to never step a foot out of line? Do I need to be the overachiever? Do I need to be perfect? Do I need to overgive? People please. What do I need to do in order to get their love?" And this is because you weren't capable of survival on your own. You weren't capable of emotional regulation. You needed it from your parents. And so we are biologically wired to do whatever it takes to not lose that connection and to survive. And this pattern, this conditioning, it gets stuck in our nervous system. And so then as we grow up, we think we are consciously choosing things, but what's actually happening is it's our subconscious programming and the conditioning within our nervous system that is driving the majority of our choices and behavior, and we're not even fucking aware of it. It's actually wild. And this is why you can be so self-aware, so informed, so educated around your history, your patterns, why you do things. You're aware of the types of people you're choosing, and then still get so fucking frustrated when you end up with the same kind of person, just in a different body, a different face, and wonder, "How did I get here again? Why did I let this happen? This is the same shit happening again." Yeah. It's because we need to go deeper than just the conversations you're having with your friends or with your therapist. Just the conversations where we are building more awareness. We need to go deeper than that. We need to work with your nervous system and expand your capacity for discomfort. We need to teach your body how to deal with s- stress without getting stuck there. How to properly regulate so you can think clearly, so you can make better decisions, so that you don't keep living on autopilot and do what you've always done. This is what is actually required. Yes, talk therapy can help. Yes, having conversations and being validated and looking at d- things differently, perspective shifting, that is all so valuable, and I'm such a big believer in that, and I do that with my clients. But what I have learned personally over being on this journey myself and coaching clients on this over the last six years is that it requires deeper work than just this, the conversation, than just the conscious mind. Think of it like a tree. On the top of the surface of the ground, of the soil, you have the trunk and the leaves and the, the branches, and it looks like that's the whole tree. But when we zoom out, you can see that the roots that go beneath the soil, that is what determines the health of the tree. So it's like you can try and prune that tree to be the prettiest tree on the street, but if the roots are damaged or if the roots are rotten underneath the soil, it doesn't matter what you do on the surface, that tree is going to suffer And I'm not saying that your roots are rotten or anything like that. What I am saying is that the roots of a tree are very similar to the, the nerves and the neural pathways within our nervous system that are dictating our behavior. And so the, the trees and, like, pruning the leaves on top is sort of like the conscious work, but tending to the roots beneath the soil is like the deeper nervous system work and subconscious reprogramming that's going to make all of the difference. So why am I talking about this? I'm talking about this because you are capable of choosing differently. You are capable of becoming secure within yourself. You are capable of having better relationships. But when it comes down to it, what it requires is your ability to handle discomfort, because all of this stuff is extremely uncomfortable. It's unknown. Okay? Choosing someone who feels safe over someone who feels chaotic, that's uncomfortable. Speaking up about your needs is uncomfortable. Walking away from someone who you like, even though you know they're not good for you, is really uncomfortable. Think about it. I'm sure there have been so many instances in your dating life where you have known in your heart of hearts or in your intuition what the right decision was, but you didn't choose it because of the discomfort that came up in your body when you thought about doing it. And you're only human. We are wired to move towards pleasure and away from pain with every decision that we make in our lives, big and small. So you're working against forces that are extremely strong when you're only working with your conscious mind. The instinct to move away from pain is so strong that if we are not doing anything to support our nervous system to be able to move through that discomfort, can you see how it's sort of like an elastic band? You're gonna stretch it. You're trying to stretch it with your mind, but then it's gonna snap back into what you've always done when you meet that moment of discomfort, when you meet that edge, when you begin to stretch yourself and what you've always known, you're going to snap back So when we can, in a safe way, expand our capacity to hold discomfort and show ourselves, show our body how to not just be in discomfort, but how to regulate and come back to a safe, grounded place in our bodies after that discomfort, that's what begins to change the game. And when you work with me inside my program, we do that specifically through breathwork. Breathwork is an extremely powerful and effective way to safely take ourselves into stretches of discomfort, which happens through the breathwork, but then we take your nervous system up into that state of stress, and then we safely bring it back down into a beautiful regulated state. And the more we do this, the more your capacity for discomfort expands and expands and expands. And then before you know it, in your day-to-day life, you start making different decisions. All of a sudden, you can handle more than you ever could before. All of a sudden, something that once terrified you doesn't seem so scary, and you're able to do it. And even if there's discomfort, you can move through it because you've shown your body and your nervous system time and time and time again that no, no, it's okay. We go through this period of stress, and then we can come back down and integrate So this is often the missing piece for so many people that is blocking you from getting to your next evolution of self and your next evolution in relationships. That being said, it is not just this work that is needed. I find that the best approach is a combination of both. So a combination of, uh, top-down and bottom-up. So top-down approach is what we find in therapy, where we are speak- we are working from the head, so we are communicating, we're talking about things, we're reflecting, we're changing our perspective. We are trying to consciously change thought patterns. It's all very important. It's all very helpful. The other end of the spectrum is a bottom-up approach, where we are working with the body predominantly, the body first. So as I've just described, working with our nervous system, subconscious reprogramming, changing the beliefs on an identity level. We are using... going bottom up. And so most approaches, most programs, most therapies will be one or the other. So it's either talk therapy or it's somatic work. With the work that I do with my clients, I have found the best approach, the most effective, is a combination of the two. So in Peacefully Attached, we work with top-down approach and the bottom-up. So we are looking at your patterns, we are looking at standards, boundaries, communication, secure dating tools, and we are doing the deep subconscious reprogramming work, and that combination is truly what unlocks your next evolution of self. It is so powerful. I have seen it time and time again, and it's just, ugh, I can't even explain. It's so powerful. This is also how we deepen self-trust, because self-trust comes, and confidence I should say, confidence and self-trust, which are two things that I know you're wanting to expand into further, they come from showing ourselves that we can rely on ourselves to do the important things we say we want to do. So if you want to feel confident that you can trust yourself to speak up for yourself and advocate in relationships, the way that you develop that confidence and that self-trust is by showing yourself you can do that very thing. So the next time you have a situation where you need to communicate and you can feel that truth coming forward, but you can also feel yourself wanting to stay silent, moving through that discomfort and taking the uncomfortable action is what strengthens confidence and self-trust, because you get through that and you say, "Wow, I just fucking did that thing." You show yourself what you are capable of, and that naturally exudes confidence. It exudes so much confidence Self-trust is arguably one of the most important things that we need as we navigate life and navigate relationships. We need to trust ourselves that we can choose the right partners, that we won't self-abandon the moment things get hard or things get scary or we are meeting a new edge and we are confronted. We need to trust ourselves that we will take care of ourselves, that we won't rely solely on our partner for our emotional wellbeing, that we won't fall back into codependency, but we will be able to have interdependent relationships where we know how to feel strong, secure, and safe on our own, and we also know how to allow ourselves to rely on our partner and to receive emotional safety and support from them and vice versa When you can have a foundation of self-trust, that is your superpower. Because when you have self-trust, it means that you no longer need to turn to everyone for the answers for things. You don't need to ask your friends for all of their advice. You don't need to obsessively research or speak to ChatGPT every day about what to do or what not to do. You trust yourself to make the right decision. You listen to your intuition. You feel in your body what is right for you, and you act on that, again, even if it's uncomfortable. This is the way that the women who are changing their relationship patterns for good, first of all, through the way they relate to themselves, and secondly, the way they relate to other people, the people they are choosing, this is what they are doing. They are combining their self-awareness, their intelligence with the intelligence and wisdom of their bodies that unfortunately we have become so disconnected from. In this modern world with technology, we have become so disconnected from our bodies and from feeling what's real. It's like we are disconnected from the head down. We often can't tell what's, what's going on, what's what. What do I feel? Is that my intuition or is that my anxiety? I don't know. And we need to reestablish that connection because that is what sets the foundation and what sets the tone of your relationships and of your experience in love. The doors for our ninth intake of Peacefully Attached have officially opened, and if you're listening to this and this is just resonating to your core, then now is your time to step forward. If you have been listening to my podcast, if you have been watching me on Instagram and you have been saying to yourself, "Fuck, I wanna do that program. I want to work with Mimi," but your mind has been giving you excuse after excuse after excuse as to why this isn't the right time, around why you can't afford it, you're too busy, why you won't be successful, whatever lie your brain has been telling you, it's time to put that aside and step the fuck up because that discomfort, the moment you take that first uncomfortable step of investing in yourself, your transformation begins. 'Cause you are sending the signal to yourself that, hey, I fucking matter. I deserve more, and I'm gonna do what is required to get myself there, to get myself into that position to have the support the tools, the accountability, the system, the process to get myself to where I want to be. Because I guarantee you, you wait another six months, another 12 months, the same excuses are going to be there. They don't magically disappear because your brain will always try to keep you from doing that which stretches you, that which is uncomfortable. But if it's not uncomfortable, why would it matter? Why would you pay attention? If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. So I'm speaking to you if you are ready to finally do something different and to stop saying one day and start saying, "No, fucking today I'm doing this. I'm putting myself first." So the link to apply is in the show notes below. I look forward to reading your application. This round of PA begins in September, which is not far away. We're pretty much at the end of July. There's one month and then we begin. Now is your time. So I look forward to reading your application. If you have any questions at all, jump over to Instagram and send me a DM. I'm in there every day chatting with so many of you who are considering this move for yourself, and I would love to support you to have all the information you need to make this investment into not just yourself today, but your future self. All right, my loves, I hope you have a beautiful week, and I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. If you enjoyed today's episode, hit that subscribe button and leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Share this episode with your friends and come find me on social so we can hang out between episodes. All the links are below in the show notes