Ep. 67: Understanding Codependency and Control

Codependency is often described as losing yourself in relationships or becoming overly responsible for someone else. But underneath so many codependent patterns is the need to control the outcome. We need the relationship to work. We need the other person to change, choose us, forgive us, heal, take responsibility, become more available, or finally see what we have been trying to explain for so long. 

The story we tell ourselves is that we will feel better when they just do the thing we want them to do. Codependency can sound like “I cannot be okay unless this turns out the way I need it to.” And that belief keeps us working incredibly hard to create outcomes that do not entirely belong to us. Suddenly, our peace becomes attached to somebody else’s decisions. 

The reality is we try to control the outcome because we don't trust that we can handle it if things don't turn out the way we wanted them to. Building self-trust means we can hope something works out, and still stay connected to ourselves if it doesn’t. Sometimes releasing that control leads to repair and sometimes it reveals that you have been holding the entire relationship together the whole time. Sometimes it brings relief and sometimes it brings grief. But it always brings you back to yourself.

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