EVERY DELUSION IN STARMER'S FAREWELL SPEECH

Keir Starmer resigned. We read the whole speech so you don't have to.

Two British expats go line by line through the most baffling political goodbye in years.

Starmer is gone, the sixth UK prime minister to quit in seven years, and his farewell speech was a thing of beauty. 

Jack and Adam break it down claim by claim: the economy "growing faster than our peers", the small boats that are definitely under control, inheriting a party he describes as bankrupt, the restored global reputation, and half a million children apparently lifted out of poverty. 

Plus the real question: how long does Andy Burnham actually get before the country turns on him too?

00:00 The proudest moment
01:45 The economy claim
03:50 The bankrupt party line
05:10 The reputation flex
05:55 The flag bit
08:45 How long does Burnham get?

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Transcript

0:00

Let's do some technical political analysis on Mr. Starmer's resignation speech. So I, I know I've got the lines here. I'm gonna read some of them to you, and we can discuss what our opinion is on some of them. So the first thing I wanted to mention is he starts up with, uh, "Walking up this street two years ago was the proudest moment of my life," which I think's really nice, uh, particularly given like walking back down it is the proudest moment of everyone else in the UK right now. Right. Oh, I'm so proud to see him just, just go. Just, just leave. Yeah, maybe. Finally. But yeah, um, he says with a straight face that he's left us with an economy that is stronger and growing faster than our peers Um, by whose… It depends what he means by peers. It, it depends- San Marino maybe? Right. It, Haiti. Uh, it depends what he means by growing, uh, as well, 'cause I, as far as I was aware, the, the UK isn't in some boom at the moment. It seems like, uh, everything's going the opposite way. An economy that is stronger, growing faster than our peers. Yeah. All right, Keir. Um, maybe, uh, I'd s- I mean, it is that thing with data, isn't it? So it's how you look at data. He could have taken data for, like, one week or something like that, probably when he announced that he was resigning, and all of a sudden the figures look really good. But it, it, it can be taken from any time. You could be talking about, like, 1842 for all we know, but I, I, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. And then the classic one, obviously the boats, it's an eternal discussion, isn't it? Small boat crossings. So he said that small boat crosses are falling, asylum hotels are closing. I mean, all of the people from them are just off to live on the streets presumably. Um, but what? But, and I think that is basically it, isn't it? Sort of, okay, well, the public doesn't like this thing with the hotels, so what, what should we do? Well, maybe we could ship some people here and here un- until they figure that out, until they notice. Yeah. Yeah, maybe we've just started bringing them in on, like, first class flights, you know, just where there's space. Yeah. You know, 'cause e- everyone else can only afford EasyJet and moving towards standing room only on EasyJet planes, if you're actually a tax-paying individual in the country. So to make up for all the gaps on British Airways, we're just gonna use it to bring people across from France. It just… How much, I don't know, obviously, uh, I know very little about psychology, but how much of a narcissist do you think this man is? And what's this whole thing? It's like he's, it's almost like he's doing some kind of victory lap But i- it's not like an achievement. He-- And he was basically forced out. It's not like he sort of got,"Oh, well, yeah, I've, I've done my job. This is a perfect time to leave. I've, I've succeeded in everything that I want to do." It's like he was basically forced out and then after like one thing after another of like, ooh, that, that, that's a bad look. Well, that's not so great. And it's, it's just so many things adding up that have led to this moment. And I know from watching other like, um, like podcasts and political commentators, it's been like a running thing for about a year where people are like,"How long do you think he's got left? Another 10 days? A week?" You know, and a, a lot of people have been serious about that. Um- Yeah. Yeah. I just don't know what's going on. There's another personal favorite in here. So I inherited a Labour Party that was politically, financially, and morally bankrupt And so brought back Mandelson. Which is, which is bold, like opening your resignation speech by describing the exact condition you're handing it back in is pretty special. Um- It's amazing, isn't it? You know. And then I was told time and time again that my party was finished while finishing it personally, right? It's like, how can we, how can… The guy's a joker. Um, just, just incredible. There, there's, there's probably enough material in here for us to just like go on for hours and hours and hours on end, but, you know, of, of course we won't. Um- It's, it's just so bizarre. It's like he's… I, I don't know. It's like he's describing somebody else, or he's describing a different situation or some kind of mythological, like story. I don't know. It just doesn't seem real 'cause it's like anyone that's really listening to that is going, "But, uh, but n-d-but w-wait a minute." It just seems the complete opposite. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's this lovely geopolitical flex that he dropped in as well, right? So our reputation in the world is restored. Yeah, it's restored so thoroughly that the President of the United States posted his resignation for him on Truth Social a day before, while Downing Street was still saying he hadn't decided. Jeez. Oh, dear. Wow. Did he mention, uh, sausages at all in there? Sausages? No. Sausages.'Cause that was my, that was my favorite ever Keir Starmer thing, and I can't remember the ex-exact wording, but it was where he said, "We demand for release of the sausages," when he meant to say hostages. But anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, just, just, just incredible scenes. Incredible stuff. Um, even down to… And they, we'll do two or three more here. So he also said that he stood proudly with, and not against, our national flag Which I, I don't know if we've ever had a World Cup where there's like three counties that literally are saying, "Don't put up the England flag." I think this is the first one. Yeah. Like if you go back to 2006, there's literally people on the news with their whole houses covered in flags. Um, there's, there's an image of David Cameron cycling into work with a England flag on the back of his bicycle. Uh, and, and flags were selling out. Like I think the Chinese economy even saw like a 0.2% increase Just from Union Jacks. Ju- just from producing flags. I mean, what kind of bollocks is this guy even like?'Cause everything, 'cause everything became really racist, didn't it? If you have a, a St George's Cross on your house or anything else and, uh, yeah. I, I, I loved, um, Harry Redknapp got interviewed the other day who's like former football manager, uh, from my club and quite well-known Harry. He's got, you know, a lot of interesting stories. He's a bit of a, a bit of a like, seems like a market barrow boy from back in the days. Like that kind of vibe. Okay. And he was like, "I'll put my Union Jack up in the garden," or Union Flag. Uh, I won't go into why it's a Union Jack or Union Flag 'cause I'll bore the arse off everybody. And he was like, "If people complain, I'll put another one up." Right. And if they complain again, we know what'll happen. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. And then yeah, just, just to, you know, just to leave it on the last thing that he's saying, right? Uh, half a million children lifted out of poverty because of the choices that I made Mm-hmm. It's quite a bold claim. I mean, is that, is that verified? Uh, and also is he still talking about the UK? You know, it's- I think he's definitely talking about asylum seekers there. You know- I think … half a million lifted out of their poverty and brought into ours. Yeah. It just, it just seems really bold. Um, 'cause, uh, as far as I w- I was aware, the, his whole prime ministership, it hasn't been a, a roaring success. No, no. So, so how long do you think it'll be before Andy Burnham is hated as much? I, I think his whole premiership when he gets in, clearly is what gonna happen unless they decide to get Miliband or something, um, is, is gonna rely on whether or not England win the World Cup. If England win the World Cup, I think he might get, have a year, maybe a year and a half- Right. Okay … just on the, on the bounce of England winning the World Cup, and if they don't win the World Cup, six months maybe before people start calling for his head. It could be. I, I, I don't know really what he's got planned, but it… I don't know. It, it's one of those things, someone comes along and you sort of go, "What, what do you actually know about this guy?" Like, not, not a great deal. How is he suddenly prime minister and what's, what's he gonna do? Does he have some impressive new ideas? Is he just gonna kind of resurrect for more old Labour and do a- do away with a sort of Blairism sort of idea? I, I don't know. But- Yeah … there's gonna be some- I think maybe- … pushback from somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think maybe the, they're just going, "Let's have someone northern. Let's see if that makes a difference. Let, let's-" Just keep all the plebs quiet. Look, he's a regular guy. He's, he's northern. Everyone's sick of these bloody southerners running the country. Let's get a northerner in. We'll get a bounce, we'll get a northerner bounce off that. Only time will tell, my friend. Anyway, we will definitely keep you all up to date here on Temporarily Scripted. If you wanna hear more of our political views, the news, uh, like, subscribe, tell your friends, tell your nan, listen while you're walking your dog, and Adam, we'll see them in the next one. Yeah. See you next time.