The Confidence Journey: From Self-Criticism to Self-Love, Summer Shoot and Catch up with Vick and Ella

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summary

In this episode, Vick and Ella explore the multifaceted nature of confidence, body image, and self-trust. They share personal stories, practical tips, and insights on overcoming societal pressures and cultivating genuine self-acceptance.

 key  topics

The impact of social media on body image
Practical steps to improve self-trust
The role of internal dialogue in confidence
Reframing comparison as a growth tool
The importance of self-respect and rest in confidence building

 takeaways

Confidence is built through action, not just appearance.
Social media detoxes can significantly improve body image.
Reframe comparison as a source of inspiration and direction.
Self-trust is developed by following through on small commitments.
 Confidence is an ongoing journey, not a fixed state.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction: Confidence and Body Image
02:15 Ella shares her recent fitness journey and goals
04:51 Ella discusses her new jeans business and product development
06:06 Vick talks about her recent body image wobble and self-check-in
10:15 The importance of internal dialogue and self-respect
15:23 Building self-trust through small actions
22:53 The impact of societal standards and unrealistic expectations
28:42 Reframing comparison into growth and direction
37:16 Untraining negative self-talk and cultivating self-respect
44:50 Confidence as an ongoing journey and identity shift
52:12 The empowering experience of photo shoots and celebrating individuality

Keywords

Fem Talk, fitness, health, mindset, women empowerment, 75 Hard Challenge, social media, sustainable fitness, mental health, self-discipline

Follow us on Instagram: @femme_coaching_ @Ella_femme_coach @kaylesclarke @Victoria.mandi

or checkout our website: www.femmesociety.co.uk

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey guys and welcome to FEM Talk. We are here with Ella. We are me. I'm here with Ella. And today we're going to to have a little bit of a catch-up. We're going to talk about the photo shoot that was just uh that's just gone down last week. And we're very excited to um talk to you guys about it, how it went down, and then on the note of the photo shoot, we thought it'd be a good idea to talk about confidence itself as it came up with the girls that have done the shoot, as well as as it usually comes up with our clients that we work with. So let's get started. Catch up first, Ella, how have you been? I actually have barely seen you recently. Yeah, we haven't had much like friend one-on-one time, have we? No, it's gonna be like a proper, proper, realistic catch-up because I don't know what's been up.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Well, I'm just feeling really good at the minute, to be honest, like physically, mentally. I'm really enjoying training at the minute. Just I don't have any like big goals. I'm working on a few things like gymnastics-wise. Um, trying to get my first muscle up just for a bit of fun. I'm really, really jealous. I'm really jealous. I want to do that.

SPEAKER_00 1:06

I actually really want to do that.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

I wish I had time to like so buzzing this week because I got onto the thinnest band and I did it. Um, I won't lie, my shoulder joint is feeling a little bit fucked. Like, so it's so much impact on the joint as you're like swinging through the movement. So I am starting to feel that a little. But I'm so close. Well, I want to get there. Um, and then strength wise, I'm just enjoying, I don't really have set targets at the minute. I'm just enjoying going in, listening to my body. I'm thinking, like, right, yeah, today's a heavy day. I'm gonna go for like a one rep max on the squat or whatever. And then I'm also mixing that up with just some like conditioning work. So I did that this morning. I did a a class with my partner, and that's just my weekly, you know, big conditioning sesh. Um, so yeah, no particular goals. I'm doing my there's a an in-house competition at my gym that I'm doing in a fortnight's time. But again, it's just for a bit of fun, and I'm really enjoying just doing stuff for fun. Um, I obviously spent many years bodybuilding where you are having like targets and goals, and me as a person, I was very driven by, as you remember, like I had my logbook, I was noting everything down, I was very driven by like numbers and data and seeing progress. But I think what's helped me feel just so calm and good in my body at the minute is actually taking like a step back from that and just having fun. Likewise with food, still not tracking, just I'm maintaining a body that I feel happy in. So I'm just yeah, focusing on fueling myself well and enjoying my summer. And then another exciting update from me, actually, I did see you on Wednesday, so you do know about this, is that my second business, which is a genes company for girls who have small waists but must, you know, muscle on their lower body. That company is now officially ready to go. I've had so many struggles getting that ready. Coming up to when I anticipate to launch this year, that will be three years since I actually started the project. Um I'm on my third manufacturer. I've learned a lot, but yeah, I saw you on Wednesday and I had the final prototype and I was just obsessed with it. I'm so happy. So I'm just in a very I'm a I'm a buzzing energy this week because I feel like that's going really well now as well. I'm just really excited to get it out and put so much hard work into it. So I'm excited to see like what people think. And as always, like I do anticipate some people might have comments where like there could be improvements, but I like I'm excited to hear that because I'm like, I want to have the perfect product for people. Yeah. I just spent so many years, like, as you know, and probably people listening, it's so hard to find jeans that fit when you work out because you just don't fit into normal high street sizing.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

As you know, I just wear like mum jeans, like massively baggy stuff. I can't be asked to try and find jeans that actually fit because they won't fit, so I'm just wearing the baggy stuff.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

And even if you take them to a tailor, because I've obviously tried this in my last few years of trying to perfect a product. So I took a pair of Zara jeans, because everyone likes Zara jeans, just they don't fit well. So I took it to the tailor and they took out some fabric at the back so that it didn't gape at my waist. Um and it still doesn't fit perfectly because the actual composition of the fabric isn't right. So it just goes to show, like, even if you do buy something and then pay to take it to a tailor, like you're still not getting like exactly what you want. Um I'm really excited to get this out there, just because I've had so much good feedback about how excited girls are that they need this.

SPEAKER_00 4:20

Yeah, I've got clients like literally waiting, like lining up, lining up today. Yeah, and I m I must also say that I've obviously seen a few different variations as you were like, you know, producing the jeans, and like the one I saw yesterday was like literally spot on. It was like it's perfect, exactly yeah, fitting perfectly. So I'm excited for everyone who's gonna be wearing those jeans.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

I was like, I could cry, these are these are like bang on. You know, like when you've put a lot of hard work into something and it's had its struggles, so then you're like, oh, this just like feels really rewarding. Um so yeah, really excited for that. What about you?

SPEAKER_00 4:58

Well, I don't really know. I I've not actually personally had anything exciting going on. As you know, I don't I haven't tracked my training for uh my um not training, sorry, my um my food for about four years now. I think I guess the only quote unquote exciting or different thing that's been going on with me is that recently, um, and I've just posted about it yesterday, that I've recently had a little bit of a wobble, not so much as to like I actually was freaking out and spent days freaking out that I'm now fat or anything like that, but it's just that when you are and have been used to um everything under the sun being tracked and working towards big goals all the time, although I appreciate and understand and I'm very happy that I'm now not in that phase of my life, uh, and I'm super grateful for the hard work that I've done so that now I I can enjoy this phase. It sometimes still creeps in that maybe I should be doing more. Or I think it's also just like because my standards are still high for myself, it's still very good for me not to like stick my head in the sand completely and then just check in with myself every now and then when I feel that way. Um, so that one, those thoughts are not consistently sort of circling in my head, and and I'm not allowing those to like get completely carried away, um, or like just do something rash or drastic, like, oh, I feel you know I'm out of shape or I should be doing more, and then just I don't know, cut my calories or start training cut, like just doing just doing silly stuff. So I've basically done like a check-in with myself. Literally, I have no measurements really because I don't really weigh myself like really hardly ever. I'd say in the last year I probably stood on the scales maybe three maximum four times just to kind of like see where we're at, not because that was gonna pass any sort of judgment on how I feel in my body, but just so I know. And then it wasn't really with scales, but it was with pictures because I remember last year, like last summer, I went on three holidays. I've really loved what I looked like, I felt really confident, and I remember doing some pictures last year, so I thought uh I better just do some pictures now and then compare myself to that because I'm feeling a little bit wobbly, and I did that, and you know, that's kind of put my mind at ease, really. I have showed you these pictures actually as well, because you know, there's not really a big difference. My tan is quite different, um, so obviously that can like sort of sway like what someone looks like as well. Um, and then also I've I've showed you because obviously I've got the trained eye of a coach to be able to notice differences, but also when it comes to your own body, like we obviously have like emotional connections to our own body and stuff, and sometimes we need a second opinion to like just make sure that what we're seeing is there. So I've done that um and I feel quite happy with it. You know, I haven't really been training with any crazy goal in mind, like my programming is done so that I tend to prioritize lower like glutes specifically. Like I I personally always feel like I could have bigger glutes, or like at least just don't want to lose the glutes that I have. And then so, you know, we've noticed that there's maybe like a little bit of improvement in that. Um, I have also had an ACL injury, like oh, what is it like I think three years ago now? So obviously the quads, like the quads were a big focus coming back from that, and it's still kind of a big focus in my programming to make sure that I've got really strong quads because that supports the joint, and I of course don't want to re-injure myself. So yeah, I was happy with you know that maybe being a little bit like a little bit more muscular, but definitely the same. So that's put my mind at ease, and that was like the biggest excitement in my life recently, to be honest.

SPEAKER_01 8:52

But so sorry, so just to like because I did see your post come up, but I think I was with like in between clients, so I didn't have time to read it. Yeah, I think I saw your picture, pictures next to each other come up. So are you saying that like now that you've gone through that thought process, like you do feel happy with where you're at?

SPEAKER_00 9:08

Yeah, I think it's not that I was really unhappy. Um obviously as we do go through like our cycle and stuff like that, I do sometimes feel like literally PMS, like when I'm super bloated, I do sometimes feel like, oh maybe, maybe I should diet, and then I just realize no, you're just bloated, and then I'm fine. So I think this one was more like I I was feeling that way a little bit, like maybe I should diet, or maybe I'm putting a little bit of excess body fat on that I don't want to, or and also like just I've been cruising, I've just been cruising for like a four years now, you know. And it was just making me feel like, am I cruising or am I just consistently like slowly getting worse? Because like when you're only training three times a week, that's for me is minimal. Like it's quite difficult to make improvements for someone like myself who's you know who's used to training four or five times a week. So I wasn't really expecting improvements, but I think sometimes because my focus is elsewhere, I have this like nagging thought that maybe I'm now starting to like let things go a bit too much, and that's all it was.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

I've gone through that I've had the exact same thoughts. Well, we obviously come from the same background of bodybuilding and having a very high standard in terms of like party train frequency, but also physique. And I think maybe a year or two ago, because I'm we've both been out of competing the same time frame, haven't we? I definitely had feelings like, oh, like, am I letting myself go? My body was changing because I wasn't living the bodybuilder lifestyle. I was still training, but not like a bodybuilder. I've obviously made quite a big shift. You're still doing similar workouts, I'm doing more like crossfit and stuff. And I have slowly sacrificed weight training time for stuff like gymnastics time. I obviously still hit my weights, but I do do like for me the bare minimum for weights in terms of volume. So I've had the exact same same thought process, funnily enough. And I think this came up with someone at the gym the other day because they were like, Oh, Ella, like how much do you train? Because like they saw my abs and stuff, and they were like, Oh, you must train loads. And I was like, I'm actually training four times a week. It's the least amount I've ever trained for a long time, as long as I can remember. But I said, I actually feel my best. I did go through a phase where I questioned, like, am I doing enough? Is my body changing too much? But I was like, sorry, my cat just sneezed. I was like, well, actually, if I put my previous standards that I held myself to with bodybuilding to the side, I am doing enough because I feel really good and that's all I need to know. Yeah. So my glutes are smaller. I can see it. They are smaller. I haven't measured them, but I can see they're smaller, and how they fit in my clothes is slightly smaller. But I'm back to squatting really heavy and my knees feel great. And I was actually thinking the other day in the gym, like when I was stretching, I was like, I can kneel again. There was a point two or three years ago where I couldn't kneel because I was also working through knee pain. I physically couldn't kneel on the floor without being in pain, and now like my my knees can do like everything I want them to do. So I was like, that makes me way happier than having what I had before. And I did also tell myself, like, if I ever want to go back to being like, if I want to build my muscle back up or change up my training programme, like I can do that whenever I want. But I'm actually quite happy, so I don't want to do that.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

Yeah, no, I I agree, and I feel the same. Like at this phase in my life, I couldn't and wouldn't want to hold myself to the same standards as I used to do when I was bodybuilding. So obviously I'm I'm absolutely fine with with like what that comes with, like looking a bit softer, looking a bit smaller, and I have no problems with that. But I also I think what where my worry really comes from is because it's been going on for such a long time and I've been so relaxed with everything, I just didn't want to like maybe one day wake up and like think, oh now you really are out of shape and you really are uncomfortable in your body, so you actually now need to do something, you know.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

So I just think that's slowly, slowly because there's a little bit of and yeah, that is just about checking in with yourself every so often, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 13:14

And that's that's all it was. Like I wasn't, you know, and I I know, you know, when you don't train the way you used to, when you don't track your food the way you used to, like you're obviously not gonna look that way, and I wasn't ever expecting that. I just didn't want things to like slowly slide to the point where I wake up one day and just be like shit. Yeah. And I think I al sorry, I just wanted to say also, I think as a coach myself, like you know, when you train clients that are like super hardworking and have achieved like incredible results, like that's obviously always inspiring as well. And I just um I think sometimes like when I write a plan, like I just feel like oh, that's such a good plan. Like I really want to do it, or like when someone achieves like really good results, I'm so excited for them and so inspired about them, and then I think you know, like maybe I should do something like that, and it's just like no, chill, it's not the right time for you, it's okay. So I think maybe it's had something to do with like the girls, you know, doing so well for the photo shoot.

SPEAKER_01 14:18

I don't know, like you know, it does always give us an itch to do it. Like I actually being like, I might do one just for fun. I'm not gonna quote unquote prep for it because I'm just happy.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

Yeah, but you don't have to.

SPEAKER_01 14:31

Well, I actually on the whilst we're on this topic, which was gone, we weren't really planning on going this in depth now, but um I was actually thinking, I told you, like, I know that I've lost muscle on my glutes. Ironically, my quads have built back up because we both had the same problem, knee pain, we both dropped quad muscle mass. So I've actually built up my quads again, and I'm quite happy with how they look, but I know that my glutes, because I'm no longer training, like smashing them in a bodybuilder approach with like loads of glute isolation and stuff, I know that they're they're smaller, they're not getting enough um tension in my training. And I was thinking, do you know what? At the end of summer, as a little goal, I might do a little building phase, nothing crazy, not like bodybuilding where we were before, but I might actively increase my food. I'm not gonna track, I'm just gonna throw in some extra snacks, like a high calorie shake and stuff. Uh, just make sure that I'm increasing some training sets on my glutes because I just kind of felt like, you know, I don't need a big goal, but I think that would make me I'm happy as I am. If I didn't do that, like the world wouldn't end. But I thought, I don't know, I'm starting a jeans company which is all about small ways and big glutes. So it's a nice goal to have. It goes along like that, and then I can be the obviously uh doing my own content and my my bun looks good. So I was like, yeah, maybe I'll do that. But like I say, nothing serious, just increasing snacks, yeah. A few more snacks.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

I will say though, I will say though, that every year in these last four years, I have toyed with the idea of doing something like that, and because I was so comfortable where I was, I didn't end up doing it for that exact reason. Like last year, you know, we went to Marbella, so I was like, oh, maybe I should do a little like shred for Marbella or something like that. Didn't happen. Photo shoot every year.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

I love that about where we are because we might not be doing really exciting big training plans like some of our clients. We might not be doing photo shoots, but I think what you've just said there is what every woman ultimately aspires to achieve. And like the fact that we've gone through everything we've gone through, and we're so content in our bodies. The fact that we're in that phase, I think, is just so beautiful. Like, we've both gone through our hardship, we've both put in a lot of work, and we're just reaping the benefits now. Do you know what to be to be so content in yourself that, like, yeah, I could do that goal, but actually, I feel really good as I am. It gives you that choice, nothing feels forced. It's like if you really want to do it, you'll do it.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Yeah, yeah. No, that's definitely goals like to feel content enough in your body to not have to do it, think about it, and just be like, nah.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

And I it's not worth it or can't be asked. I feel so neutral towards my body. I think this came up in one of the last podcasts, but like, like I said with my glutes, like I know they've lost size. I really don't care because I don't no longer base my self-worth on that. Like, I think when I was bodybuilding, I did have really good glutes, and I always have had done actually once since I started training, and I definitely used to get like male attention from it, and I definitely used to think, oh, okay, like that makes me really attractive having big glutes. Broke that association to my self-worth, and I'm like, okay, they're smaller. Like, I really that does not bother me. Like, I'm still an amazing person, I'm still me. Like, no one else probably notices anyway. They notice it. They notice you set it up on my back every time I walk past. Small glutes, incoming. That's all I look at, you know. Every time you turn your back, I'm like, Do you know what I mean? Unless you just PT someone and I turn around to put my water bottle down, and she's like, Oh my god, your glutes. And it's do you know what I mean? It's like, anyway, but I I just don't I just don't I I care about how I look, but because I'm so happy in myself, I don't care if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

Yeah, but you know, people who are not in that place, they obviously will say, Well, fucking, it's easy for you not to care.

SPEAKER_01 18:11

Well, that's the whole thing, like that's the goal. And yeah, some people might say, Oh, well, that's easy for you to say, well, yeah, like I've I've come from being anorexic, mate, I've come from fucking loathing yourself.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

So Yeah, but I think this is what takes us to the this whole sort of whole confidence question that we're going to discuss today, isn't it? Because yeah, there is like loads of layers to that, and as we said, we both worked fucking like several years really hard, not just on our bodies, but you know, on our mindset as well, to be where we are. So um for sure, it's it's easy to say that you don't care when you like you know look decent, but to get to this point, like we've actually gone through a a path that's or a journey that's definitely not fucking easy, right? And yeah, the two things just like you can't not care forever. If you actually really don't care, you can't keep saying you don't care when you're not there yet. No. Does that make sense? It will do. It will it will make sense when we like actually unpack that topic, I think.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

But basically when I say I don't care, it's when you've achieved neutrality, like your body can fluctuate a bit and you it doesn't impact how you feel about yourself. Yeah.

unknown 19:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:28

Because that all comes from your identity as well, like you said. So yeah, your self-worth and yes, body image we know plays a part in it, but it's not the full 100%. Whereas a lot of people still obviously it that is that if you were to look at like a circle and have a pie chart of all the different things that contribute to your self-worth and your confidence, like for a lot of people, that whole circle is how they look, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 19:50

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

Since my anorexia, I've come from thinking like that to now it's like not even a quarter of the the chart.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, uh well, I have written up some things about that, to be fair, that I want to mention with regards to confidence. Should we um so so shall we just get started with talking about confidence in general? And what we did this week is we kind of made confidence as like the topic of the week coming off of the back of the photo shoot. Um, and so I've made a post in on Monday asking for people to like comment um or ask any questions that they'd want us to discuss on this podcast. And I've had a really, really good one which I wanted to start off with really. Um, what I'm gonna do is read out the question and what she'd said, and then I think that would be a really good way to start off by like answering, responding to that, and then maybe then dive more into all the layers and all the things that are within this circle that you've mentioned. So um the question or what the what she said was that I struggle with my confidence. I suppose it's the comparison of what women are meant to look like. You see all these pictures of the perfect woman, and it's obviously a big topic and highly focused on no stretch marks, cellulite, perfect skin, all the womanly goodies, and you focus on your insecurities, which then have a knock-on effect to your confidence, thinking that you're not good enough, you're never gonna be good enough. And then she just put, I don't know if that makes any sense, it's hard to put into words. So I think what she's really talking about here is the comparison and like the social expectations of what a woman should look like. Yeah, and that's what's making her struggle.

SPEAKER_01 21:34

With um, I would also use the word like unrealistic standards.

SPEAKER_00 21:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is, I think, a topic that we often talk about to our clients. Like, you know, I've brought this up in my course, my glow up accelerator. You've done a confidence seminar or webinar in our school group before, where I'm sure you've talked about it, and we're also, you know, working on our wellness seminar as well. Which is going to come out very shortly, and there is an actual like section on body image where we talk a lot about the societal pressures and how that is going to affect someone's body image, isn't it? So that's that's a big one. Like obviously, that your confidence is not going to be where it needs to be if you rely on comparing yourself to others, and if you're trying to hold yourself to an unattainable standard, what would you say is the best way to kind of come away from this?

SPEAKER_01 22:30

So I think one thing to understand is like people often feel really bad if they know they're comparing, but it's like a natural human behaviour to compare. Social comparison, like is a human, it's inhuman nature. But what we have to remember is that we have control over our thoughts. So once we've seen that comparison, like how we frame that, how we interpret it, and how we, you know, beyond that, see ourselves and our self-worth is the important part, I think, and that you do have control over. So if someone is really, really struggling with this, the first thing I will do is tell them to take a break from social media. That has done wonders for some of my clients who are trying to work on themselves, but as soon as they open the phone, that kind of work is then being jeopardized. Having a little detox and removing that is within your control, removing social media, even if you just deactivate the app for a few weeks and see how you feel, and then come back to it and think, right, who do I actually want to follow and then who do I want to unfollow or who do I want to be, etc. I think that's a really good first step just to set your environment up for success when you're trying to work on this. And then I think comparison can also actually be helpful because it can identify what we truly want as well. So, for example, if there's a girl who you follow online, for example, and every time you see her, like you feel a little bit shit about yourself. It's not that she's better than you and you're shit. It's there's something going on here that you're jealous of. There's something that you want or aspire to have, which you think she has. What was it on social media is not, you know, reality. Let's say, okay, let's say you think she's really pretty and she's like posting these amazing pictures of herself on holiday, and you think, oh, well, I'm just ugly. Is it that she is better looking than you? Or is it that, wow, she's so confident and she looks so confident in these pictures, and she holds herself so well and she's got a cool outfit on and her hair looks done up or whatever. Is that what you actually want? Because if so, you can go off and do that. Do you know what I mean? You can work on that yourself. So I think also understanding like, rather than just saying, that person makes me feel shit, like what is it that you're actually feeling? And maybe that's an indicator of just an area that you want to progress to. You want to work on how you hold yourself. You're maybe you're jealous that you don't take pictures of yourself and you don't post yourself because you just don't have the confidence to. So funnily enough, I guess looking at it as for direction, reframing comparison into direction as to what you want and working on it, rather than interpreting it as, well, they're better than me. And that's it.

SPEAKER_00 24:55

Yeah. I think what I'm seeing as well with, you know, some of the examples that you've brought up as well is the mindset around it. And this is very common with people, they have this black and white mindset where they look at somebody that for whatever reason they don't look alike, but wish to or aspire to, like you said. And they might be like on the journey to look that way. Say, like, someone is aspiring to look like someone who's a fitness, you know, influencer who's got a lot more muscle mass than them. And that is what they're already working towards. But then because they're not there, they instantly say, Well, they're shit. So that's that black and white mindset where like just because you see somebody who is further down their journey than you are, and therefore have more body, more muscle mass than they do, so their shape is better than yours is, it doesn't mean that you are shit and they're amazing. It just means that you're on your way there and you're just not there yet, right? So it's that mindset that people have and that internal dialogue that people have within themselves all the time, so that there is an obstacle, or like I see someone who's better than me for whatever reason, and because I'm not there yet, I'm now shit. Like that is not how it works.

SPEAKER_01 26:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:18

And again, um, the internal dialogue is a very, very big thing. And I have a whole section on it in glower, where I'm asking people to start thinking about and noticing the way they speak to themselves, because yes, we have friends and family, and those people play a massive part in like our inner world and thought processes and stuff, and if they're negative around us, that's going to impact for sure. Um, but you are the person who you spend the most time with, and if inside your head you're destroying yourself all the time, no matter what you're doing, then you literally have no chance. But then the only person who's got control over control over your thought thoughts and the way you speak to yourself is you, right? So if somebody's not consistently talking to themselves like a piece of shit and have has respect for themselves and has a more positive dialogue within their own brain, then already this whole comparison is going to be so much more minimized. Because, like you said, yeah, it's okay to look at someone and think, oh my god, like they look amazing. I do that, you do that, and they're inspiring. But it doesn't mean that because they're inspiring or they have something that I wish I had, I'm now a piece of shit. Yeah. It just means that, like you said, yeah, oh maybe I really like that. Should I work towards that? And if I should, then I'll put things in place to get there. So I'm just gonna have to plug my plug my uh laptop in the charger.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

Yeah, no, I completely agree. The internal dialogue is something that, you know, is a core element of my coaching as well. You can't you can't run just the physical, you could get someone in great shape, but if they've got a very negative self-critical internal dialogue, it doesn't matter how how great you get them looking, they'll still think that they're not good enough or competitive.

SPEAKER_00 28:12

Yeah, they won't see it. They just won't see it because they won't be able to appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Which is actually basically, if we use my anorexia as an example, is like the ultimate level of having the worst critic in your own head, you know. So to learn how to untrain that is hard, but it's totally doable. Like that's one thing that I'm very proud of is that I'm an example of just how drastically you can take control of your own thoughts and change them. It does take time, it does take practice and repetition, but it absolutely can be done. Yes, that's a good point. I think also when it comes to like beauty standards, so if we go away from social media and more like what we see on, you know, um big brands, fashion, makeup, and all of this stuff, yes, it exists, but I think we're getting to a point. I don't know, I I personally feel like we're getting to a point in society where like, we know that the pictures are edited, we know that it's not realistic, we know that sh skin has pores, like when you see them on a massive advert on the underground or on a bus or something, and the skin is being edited that you can't even see a paw, like obviously that's not real. So I think also, like again, you're in control of your own thoughts and how you interpret the world around you. Like, use your common sense, don't compare yourself. That's like comparing yourself to the fucking Disney princess, the drawing, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, you yes, it's annoying in an ideal world, companies like L'Oreal would show pores and imperfections, but they're trying, like, you know, this is how the world works, they're trying to sell us shit. Yeah, we know that. We know that if we buy that product, it's not gonna eradicate all of our pores. So I think know that you are in terms of marketing and consumerism, like you're always being sold stuff that you don't need. Once you understand that, you will stop feeling that one, you need it, every single trend, every single beauty trend. There's no right and wrong. If you want to try that trend, go for it. But to understand that beauty, fashion, the female body is always trending because they're always trying to sell stuff. When you realize that, you'll be like, okay, I don't feel like I actually need that. And you won't compare yourself to it. It will exist and you don't have to look at it or compare yourself to it.

SPEAKER_00 30:17

Yeah. Um, just another thing that I wanted to kind of highlight because you said about how not all of our thoughts we have are like true thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 30:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:27

I think we often both talk about this as well, where yeah, comparing is normal, everyone does it. Um, we obviously all want to fit in somewhere in society, and that's all embedded in our brain and human behavior. And comparison is part of that. I guess trying to adhere to like how fashion changes is also a big part of that because fashion gives us belonging, whether it's about your clothes or what you look like, it it gives you the impression of belonging to something somewhere, and that's all okay. But those thoughts that we have that are changing all the time, we can just like pick them up and rationalise them. So just because you think that when you look at someone's picture, um, it doesn't necessarily mean that whatever you think is instantly true. So, like all the conversations that we just had about rationalizing, you know, that woman has no pause on the picture. Now I'm rubbish. Then you think, no, I can't speak to my myself like that just because she doesn't have no pause. And I do, you know, that's completely normal. That was a bit harsh, let's slow down a little bit. So you just stop yourself and rationalise all that thought process, and that is doing these little things, and these are all like done in your head, basically. These little things you do when you start unpicking your thoughts are the way to rewire and rewrite that internal dialogue that you have right now. So, like you said a lot, is it takes years, it takes a long time, but it's not exactly you know gruelling work where you sweat, because you don't you just do it in your head. Yes, it's hard work because you do have to focus on it and stop yourself from putting yourself apart and you have to repeat it time and time again, but you can do that. So, yeah, uh for sure. I would definitely 100% suggest um starting to notice that internal dialogue to begin with and start to unpick it because just because you think it is not true.

SPEAKER_01 32:25

Yeah. I also so with my clients, I tend to work on the with the type of client who is very self-critical. So I tend to attract clients who used to have maybe anorexia, and this is a you know really common kind of thing that would come up in coaching. And I find what's really helpful for clients with this way of thinking about themselves and this kind of trait is that if they are that self-critical in how they speak to themselves and don't speak to themselves or see themselves with that respect, they are likely to physically do the same with their body. So they typically my type of client is going to be the typical over-trainer, under-fueling, under-resting, or you could have the opposite end of the spectrum, not training enough, you know, overeating, resting too much, and you know, being completely sedentary. But yeah, my my type of client typically falls on the on that other end, the over-trainer, the over-disciplined, the under-rester. And how I work with this type of client as well is we do the, we do work on the internal dialogue, but we also do practical things to teach ourselves self-respect. So whether that's maybe reducing training volume or training days, whether that's blocking out time to just rest. There's no to-do list, there's no, you know, doom scrolling. It is that time where you are allowed to let yourself rest. It could be cooking a really nice dinner for yourself for absolutely no reason, you know, not just when your partner's coming over, like for you yourself having a little date night with yourself. That doesn't mean like self-care in a sense of, you know, face mask, treat yourself, spend money, whatever. But those small acts that you do on a daily basis also goes alongside that working on the internal dialogue to teach yourself that I respect myself and I deserve this. And it could be like the most basic thing, like having a rest day because you're exhausted. Um, yeah. And that's where action also comes in. I I find really helpful with my types of clients.

SPEAKER_00 34:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Of course, like the action part of like my glow up as well is also there. The action part, I think, um, that I find the most helpful when it comes to confidence, because confidence isn't just about the whole comparison and what's in your head, but it's also about like just generally like a big identity shift. So, like we said, it confidence has different layers, and it's not just gonna come down to what you look like if your confidence is based solely on your appearance, that's going to be very fragile. So you actually have to build it on identity, self-trust, self-respect, like you said, like there's different things you can do to show yourself that you actually respect yourself, and those things are going to be a lot more lasting if you build your confidence on that. So, one of the practical things that I have have a section on actually is about the building self-trust, because the kind of clientele that I tend to have are the ones that always say they're gonna start on Monday and then they go Monday, Tuesday, and then they quit, or you know, the ones that are forever yo-yo dieters, etc. So they never actually or hardly ever actually have reached their goals because they they don't really finish stuff, they say they'll do things and they don't do things. For those people, the best way to start building their own self-trust back is by actually doing what they say they will do. Because if you've said you're gonna start dieting on Monday and every January and you never have done and you've never lost any weight, then nobody, not even you, will fucking believe that you're gonna do it. And if you don't believe you're gonna do it when you say it again, yeah, you don't respect yourself. There's no respect, like everything just falls. So we actually start by doing just you know, little things like little-to-do tasks on a weekly basis, like getting three litres of water in, getting your steps in to start off with, you know, it's gonna depend on the individual and where they are, of course. But just like noting that those things, those small things that they do, which are easy to begin with, and then when they do do it, that's gonna build their self-self-trust back. And to be honest, that is exactly what I've done and why I love training, because I was obviously a really I was used to be a really confident person, and after a long toxic relationship, I was like reduced to dust and had no self-belief whatever. But long story short, I had absolutely no trust or confidence in myself anymore. And the way I did build all of that back is by going to the gym, and you know, it was session by session, rep by rep. And then that is the little things that will that will build it all back up. Um, and yeah, for sure, you have to do that in in internal dialogue, but that's not the only thing you you you feed and connect the actionable stuff together.

SPEAKER_01 36:58

Self-trust can also, for my clients, look like so they might be too restrictive in the week and then binge because they've been so disciplined with like overly unnecessarily disciplined with themselves, or if they go slightly over a calorie target or something, it's you know, like failed here. So that can come up quite a lot with my typical type of client. So getting them to trust themselves around food again, like you can have a couple of biscuits, it doesn't need to turn into a binge. You can have a couple of biscuits, you're not gonna get fat. And then we also talked about something else. Sorry, identity came up. Yeah, I uh we obviously that's the underpinning of of coaching, really. You're taking someone from whatever their goal, you're taking them from who they are now, and like in whatever it is, 12 months time to who they want to be. People think obviously that it's the visual, I look like this now, next year I want to look like this, but that requires you to grow into the next version of yourself through the habit changes, the mindset shifts. So yeah, it's um a very multifaceted, um, lots of different elements come into confidence, doesn't it? But as we've clearly said, the uh visual is the surface level of that change. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:07

Yeah, we obviously when people come to us, you know, they don't come to us for like obviously they they do want to be more confident, but they they come to us more for the physical side of things. But we then need to present to them and show them and prove to them that yes, two things go hand in hand and one thing cannot happen before the other. So they just work alongside, intertwined within changing those daily habits.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

Yeah. And obviously, we always start with our clientele with our values and vision statements. So from the get-go, outlining why are we doing this? Why is this important to you? What are your priorities and what is your vision for yourself in however long? Because if they say, Oh, okay, I want to drop 10 kg or whatever, it's like, okay, but why? Why do you want to be the person who does that? Because I don't I feel lazy. I want to be someone who's more disciplined and I want to be healthier and I want to look like I'm healthy. Okay, so that's the real reason there. You want discipline and you want health. Those are like important traits or ways of living to you. So that's where we obviously go that level deeper. I'll quite often ask my clients if they're struggling with something and they're asking me a question, maybe it's on WhatsApp, and they're like, Oh, I'm not sure what to do, or like, oh, I really struggled mentally with food this week on this. And I'll be like, Okay, what does Sarah version 2.0 do? So I get them to think of like the person who you want to be, how would she respond to this situation rather than resorting to previous like ways of behaving? So it's encouraging them to think of that person that they are growing into.

SPEAKER_00 39:35

Yeah, obviously they were the quotes uh quote is something like you have to live like the person who you want to be first before you become that person, isn't it? And funnily enough, I well not funnily, kind of works alongside everything that we've just done, or we were talking about this week, but I've just posted a post and that's on our femme as well, which says confidence is a receipt, not a deposit. You get it after you do the thing, never before. And and and that's what we're talking about here, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 40:05

You you are and you will get more confident along the journey as you go on, but it's okay to because we go through different chapters in life, it's an ongoing journey because once you've reached one goal, you'll then, you know, embrace that, and then maybe a year or two later you'll be like, Oh, actually, now I want to do this, or now I want to open a business, or now I want to do that. And then the next challenge comes. So it's not like an end goal, one, it's not one-stop confidence. It's as long as you want to keep growing and developing as a person, it's an ongoing journey of navigating that next phase you're in, is how I would feel like from my personal description.

SPEAKER_00 40:40

Yeah, I agree, but I also think that the more times you've gone through hardships and come out the better end, the more times you're able to go into a new scenario more confidently, because the more experiences and positive experiences and poop proof you have under your belt that actually no matter what life throws in my way, or no matter what I start, I can do, the easier it is to start new things, isn't it? So it's a good idea, it's it's the variance. Yeah, it's the experience and and it's the doing things rather than just sitting around and waiting for a day where you suddenly wake up confident, or like a day where you suddenly feel okay to walk into the gym because at the moment you don't feel okay. Like I've had people say to me, I will start PT, but first I'm gonna have to lose 10 kgs. Like a mess. Or like, I'm gonna join a gym, but first that's a January thing that loads of people do, don't they? I'm gonna join a gym, but first I'm gonna lose five kilos. Um, and it's like, why do you have to do that when actually with a PT or in the gym, your your process and progress would be quicker and easier? You don't you're not gonna get any more confident by doing that. So it's also like you're waiting.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

You're stuck. So how are you gonna ever get to the gym if you have that meant that that way of thinking? And this ties in nicely to the photo shoot because the amount of times you'll get people say, like, oh, I saw your photo shoot on Instagram, oh I could never do that, I'm not confident enough for that. And I'm like, none of the girls who then joined it are that's the whole point.

SPEAKER_00 42:17

Yeah, that is a hundred percent the point. Like, most of our girls end up being there after having watched our stories for a little while, um, and having seen past photo shoots for a little while, you know. Um, not most of them, not all of them, of course. There's people who just sign up for the shoe because they're already feeling like they're ready to do that. Um, but I have had loads where um I've had to have these conversations with them where like you don't you don't start off by feeling confident, you you do the journey, you do the work, and then you are confident. And of course, like that's when people are also when they're on sets, and that's when they also realise like how much hard work goes into that picture. That's one of the reasons why I love the photo shoots. Like, you do look and compare to all these amazing images online, social media, like we said, we all know not to do it, but we all still do it, and whether you know or not, like how much of that head fuck is true, you you still do. And unless you've done the journey like you've prepped for a shoot and seen yourself on set and all your images, and then seen the raw edit uh unedited images, and then seen the edited images, like you have no idea how much hard work goes into that. Like, obviously, on our shoot, the girls feel super empowered because they're surrounded by us, the makeup, hair, you know, everyone's super empowering. The photographer is is incredible, so he makes you feel good and powerful, and you get taught how to pose. Like the photographer tells you what to do, how to move. You and me in the background tell them how to move. Like that's all work and experience. Someone gains by doing that shoot that then gives them so much more confidence, like just taking pictures in day-to-day life from then on. Like I've literally seen girls, you know, grow like that because they've gone through that experience. And that is because of the experience, not because they sat on the sofa and watched other people do it. It's because they've done the whole prep. They're already turning up there, feeling proud of themselves for how much their body changed, how much their habits changed to that point, anyway, aren't they? It's like the cherry on top of all that hard work anyway.

SPEAKER_01 44:31

And then it's capturing that hard work, and then it's that final finish line of the confidence challenge. Because they all come obviously on a day feeling a little bit nervous. I had a girl the this year who's done multiple ones with me before. She was still a little bit nervous when she got there. And then by the end of the day, that's what I think we like, isn't it, as uh coaches, is like just how how much they're all smiling and buzzing off not just having had a fun day, but the photographer shows them the pictures and they're like, Oh my god, that's me. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:04

Yeah. I've had girls, that wasn't this year, but I've had girls turn up to just shoot having cried their eyes out before, and then by the end, they've taken incredible images. I have had one one girl this year who was really struggling with her confidence because I suppose the prep hasn't quite gone to plan because she was poorly and things like that, so she nearly didn't do it. So that was a little bit wobbly there. But even she's had a really great day. Um, obviously, that was that was a lot coming like that. A lot of that has come down to like mindset and stuff that we're still working on. But yeah, like when you see the images just off the back of the camera, so many people go, Oh my god, is that actually me?

unknown 45:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:44

Because you don't see yourself in those poses, that light in that setup, and is just main character energy that they for sure.

SPEAKER_01 45:52

And it's always so funny when at the beginning they're like, I don't know if I could ever do that. And then now in our group chat this week, they're like, Oh my god, I can't choose which pictures I want because I love them all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. What's your favorite thing about the shoot then? Is it like seeing how they come out of their shells?

SPEAKER_01 46:11

It's yeah, it's going from someone who in general just, you know, probably would not like pictures of themselves to then having these pictures which you're like, you know, when you're eight years old, these are gonna be on your wall because they're just so insane. Yeah. Um, yeah. And then it's also the day itself. I think also we live um obviously in a very digital world, very a lot is online, and I think coming together for a day with women who you might not have met before, but like they're all on the same journey and we're all hyping each other up, and it's just a really fun day, which you just never ever get to do. Like, how often do you have hair MUA and an insane photographer in a unique location, everything pre-packaged for you, and you you rock up, like it's just a fun day.

SPEAKER_00 46:58

Yeah, I think that is my favorite part as well. It's like a big, a big summer party where you're made to feel and look glamorous, and I just think because of how we see you know them come out of their shells and like yes, start out by perhaps a little bit nervous or feeling awkward in front of the camera to them like doing all the poses and like looking insane and how they feel. I just generally think that that is a feeling that every woman should feel, um, and not just once in their life. Because the way I would, and the the thing I would compare this to, although I haven't had my wedding or anything like that, but I would compare this to that. Like when you get married, you have your hair, you have your makeup done, everything is quote unquote about you because you've got a beautiful dress and you've got videography and photography, and like you know, you're there. It's not really about you because it's about celebrating your love where like that's what it should be. And I know we've got bridezillas that make it all about them, and whatever, you know, there's loads of stories about that, and some people are happy with that, whatever. Um I'm not saying either is right or wrong, but I think this day is really about you and your journey, and this is other than that wedding, I can't really think of any other day where women allow themselves to make such a big fuss about you know themselves, right? Like, unless it's uh we obviously went to Mar Baya, so that was fun, we didn't have hair and makeup, but that was that was a little bit like this, I think, with alcohol, because obviously on the photo shoots we don't get that pissed. But um, but yeah, I just think maybe not even Mar Baya because because yeah, you don't have you do feel glamorous and stuff in a different way, but yeah, um yeah, the photo shoot is like celebrating everyone's individual beauty, yeah. And I always think as well, it really opens up people's mind as to how to appreciate other women and like their beauty in their own way, and I'd like to think that most of them come away from it instead of comparing, appreciating, because I know that's a big thing a lot of the times. Like when you turn up, like, are there gonna be people like more shredded than me? Like, am I gonna be good enough? and things like that. And you and me, we obviously prepare the girls to not think that way, but again, the mind does compare, and I'd like to think that once people see all the others posing, all the others' pictures and faces, and you know, they've all made everyone feel glamorous as well as they've all felt glamorous. I think and like to hope that they come away from it thinking, do you know what? That woman who's like a foot taller than me and has washboard abs and you know, long legs and whatever is incredibly beautiful, but I'm also fucking beautiful because I have this, she has that, I don't have that. I can see what she has is beautiful, but what I have is also beautiful, right? Because we are all individually beautiful, then I just think sometimes it's again down to that mindset where it's the curly hair, straight hair conversation. Like I talk about this all the time. There is, you know, if I I have to explain this because I say this to you all the time, but the others might not know exactly what I mean. So when you grow up with straight hair, you are most of the time you just wish you had curly hair. When you grow up with curly hair, you wish you had straight hair, because straight hair is obviously easier to handle. With straight hair, you just wish you had the volume of curly hair, and it's obviously different to what you know, so you want it, and that's the same with if you're tall and short or short and tall, right? Like there's just ups and downs to having all of the different bodies, and there's beauty in all of the different bodies and faces and whatever. So that's yeah, that's what I'd like to hope that people come away with, and I think that makes them more confident coming away from that.

SPEAKER_01 51:02

Yeah, I completely agree with that because every single hype on that day was a genuine, like, oh my god, you look amazing. It was there's no fake positivity, it's like a genuine that picture is sick, like you look stunning. Yeah. And that person could have a completely different body shape and look to you. There's no right or wrong. That's kind of another underpinning of confidence, isn't it? Is really understanding that everyone is different and unique and there is no right or wrong. Going back to the topic of like unrealistic expectations and what we might see on a laureate, the problem is people take that as that is right, therefore I am wrong, but it's not that way at all. It's a different example of being there's no right or wrong.

SPEAKER_00 51:40

Yeah. And that's what that's what we talk about, the whole black and white mindset as well, isn't it? Because oh, if I don't have that, then I'm shit. Like there's no right or wrong. And then to bring into context what you've you've you've sent a video a few weeks ago again into our school group, which I use all the time, we talk about a dial in coaching in various different ways, but like the right or wrong, there's no right or wrong, there's a dial, right? There is ideal or less ideal in life, and it's not so black and white. I guess with the whole looks and things, it's not exactly what we're discussing. But if you're looking at something that like a L'Oreal advert, then there's more like a dial into yes, you're not, it's not that you're shit, but maybe you're not there yet. And then with a L'Oreal advert, you never will be there because it's fake, right? Right. So me flapping around to the camera. This is going on YouTube. If someone's listening on uh Spotify and they want to laugh, they can watch the YouTube video where we've actually now got like the actual footage captured as well. I am very very emotive with my hats when I'm trying to get my words out.

SPEAKER_01 52:49

I also just noticed that I've got my really cool gaming chair, which is now being recorded. Makes me like such a loser. I hope your posture is right. It does, it's back saver, so that's why I've got it. Just makes me look like I drink monster in game. Yeah, where's your headset? I don't. Well, I think that's a good place to wrap it up, really. I feel like we've covered a lot there. Obviously, if anyone listens to this and has any questions about anything we've mentioned, feel free to message us. But yeah, as a topic that we're both very passionate about, that is, you know, fundamental to the way that we coach, is present in examples like our photo shoots, and hopefully there's some tips on this this podcast where if you are struggling with elements of your confidence, we've given you some pointers of like directions to think about um and look into.

SPEAKER_00 53:33

Yeah, and of course, if you want to have more in depth coaching because you think that you need help, you can reach out to either of us. We've kind of described the type of clients that we work with and then some of the things that we've already got going on in terms of our courses. So feel free to reach out to us, whether that's on our Instagram or at FEM Instagram, and we can take it from there.