from inner hater to inner hype girl: Kylie Lambert on self-talk & healing

in this episode of all our parts, we’re calling out the ultimate hater: your inner mean girl. you know — the one who lives rent-free in your head and loves to tear you down? yeah… she’s officially on notice.

i’m joined by therapist + self-talk expert kylie lambert, who teaches a whole course on healing that inner critic. together, we talk about:

🧠 how self-compassion isn’t just a buzzword — it’s a boundary

🚫 why toxic positivity keeps us stuck in shame cycles

💖 real-life tools to shift from inner judgment to inner gentleness

✨ building self-trust when perfectionism + pressure take over

👯‍♀️ how to start being the best friend you’ve been waiting for

if you’ve ever caught yourself spiraling in self-doubt, this episode is your invitation to soften, reflect, and rewrite the script inside your head.

📲 connect with kylie:

🌐 www.kylielambertcounseling.com

Transcript

 Hello, everybody. Welcome back to all our parts today. We are going to be talking about quieting our inner mean girl. And to help me, I have Kylie Lambert, who offers a course on healing, renewing, restoring that inner voice that we have. And quieting that inner mean girl that just tells us we can't do it.

We're not worth it. We don't deserve it. Kylie, thank you so much for being here. 

I am so honored to be here. Thank you for asking me to be here. Truly. This is, this will be fun. I'm ready to talk about it and  just chat about all the things. So thank you for having me here. 

Of course. I saw your course on threads.

I think I saw it on threads and then.  I was just like obsessed. Like I love the concept because we think about it from as therapists, we think about it from parts work. We think about it from CBT, like retraining and reframing the thought, but giving it like, yeah, it's like that inner mean girl.

Like she just is naggy. 

She's so fricking naggy. And I think that was like, I had talked a lot with people and I was like, People were asking what's some of the work that you do within therapy practice? And I was like, honestly, I'm working with a lot of women on becoming more self compassionate.

And I think as therapists, we can understand what self compassion is. I think if you ask the average person oh yeah, I know what that is. But I feel like people just didn't really understand the gravity of Self compassion work. And so I knew I wanted to come up with some sort of digital product or something that I could offer my clients, but also as a way for me to reach more people and like an obtainable way outside of just the therapy room and, have access, give people these tools at a more affordable level than even just a therapy session or anything of that nature.

And so I was trying, I had someone challenged me and they're like, you talk about self compassion, but what is it? What is it? Lay it out for me. And through that I came up with silencing your inner mean girl. And it felt like when I said that to people were like, Oh, I get it now.

Oh, that really inner mean bully almost dialogue that's in her head. Yeah, that really affects me. That really affects how I feel about myself. That affects me how I show up at work and my relationships. With my kids  felt okay, this may be a way to make this idea of like self compassion because I think it's like the same thing as self care everyone's oh, I know what self care is, but  then it gets lost in the sauce of what it is. 

Yeah. So let's break down the concept of self compassion because we as therapists, we say. Love yourself. You want to show yourself that compassion and  because we are so familiar with the concept I think we can take we can approach it from a really big way rather than breaking it down So like in its essence, what is self compassion?

The way that I see self compassion is it's breaking down into three parts or this is how I usually explain it to clients or just even, friends or whatever. But it's not, the first thing I always tell people, it is not about toxic positivity. I think when people, when I'm like, oh, you need to be kinder to yourself, which I think is usually what comes to mind when you say self compassion.

People, I think, start to either kind of push back or be like, Oh, so you're telling me I need to stand in the mirror and say, I'm enough. And I'm like, no, we're not. Not that you can't do those things, but it goes beyond that. It goes It actually means identifying the emotion of what's going on.

I'm feeling really anxious about a big final I have coming up. It's holding space for what is actually happening in the present and identifying a feeling about it of in a way of self validating of Oh, I'm feeling this.  Then we move it into this common humanity piece of not feeling alone, because I think what's often hard to be kind to ourself is because we feel like we're only the only one that made a mistake, or we're the only one that anxious is anxious for the final, or we're the only one that's underprepared. 

And so it's okay, I'm acknowledging what's going on. And trying to reframe it in a way of it's natural to be nervous before a big presentation or . A really big final. It's natural and just because we're maybe not seeing it when we're scrolling on Instagram, when we're people are posting their best parts or their best, pieces of their life.

It is normal to feel anxious before situations like that. And then that's where, like, how do we be our own best friend because of that? So it's because I'm feeling anxious about the big work presentation, yes, I'm nervous to stand up and do this for the first time, but I can't be the only person that's ever been anxious to give a big presentation at work.

And knowing this is going on today, What do I need to do to be kind to myself today? 

Yeah, because we can, that toxic positivity can turn into invalidation real quick.  And so when we think about it, it's like  the first step is really, I'm, yeah, of course, I'm anxious about this test that I'm taking of this presentation that I'm about to do. Of course. I'm feeling super nervous about traveling for the first time with my kids home and someone else watching them.

We get to have those feelings,  give space to them, and say, How can I reframe this in a different way? Not even a positive, not even a like, exceptional way, but like, How can I reframe this to, and sit a bit comfier with it? 

Yes, to make it more digestible and more, Cause if our brain doesn't, not that,  They're they've done a lot of work with like meditation stuff and it's if your brain doesn't really believe you're enough just standing in the mirror all the time.

It's just and saying I'm enough and we really don't believe it. It's not going to sink in right away, but what's a way that we can reframe it in a way where it's. It's just again, like more digestible and more okay, I'm allowed to feel this way because I'm feeling this way. How can I support myself or how can I ask for the support that I need? 

Were you always drawn to the inner mean girl kind of work?  

I think so. I think we, we come to hold space for people through,  Our own things and I definitely identified with having a very critical self voice my entire life and I think when I  was really reflecting in my mid 20s and not just in a great headspace, I was really feeling a need to over perform to find my worth to prove my worth to other people.

I definitely identified with having a very critical self voice my entire life and I think when I was really reflecting in my mid 20s and not just in a great headspace, I was struggling with over exercising and under eating because I really believe that my appearance someone would love me if I looked x way just a lot of really critical messaging and I stumbled upon Kristen Neff's work, which is, she does a lot of work with mindful self compassion and when I It's breaking down some of the things that I've talked about.

And I realized when I started putting some things into play, or I realized how self critical I was being, and there were tools to release it. And I saw the power of it in my own life, just through practicing and reframing that I realized that's what, that was the missing link for a lot of my clients.

They had things and they were working on things at the tool, but it was like. The thing that was almost holding them back was really their inner mean girl. It's like they could do all the things but they were still being so critical and still not enjoying and being present in the moment that was happening in front of them or present with their kids or enjoying the vacations.

And I realized, at least for the population of women I was working with, that it felt like this was really the missing link was, how do I learn to just be kind to myself? Myself first. 

Yeah, I totally resonate with what you share. As a, still an achiever, but growing up believing that what I achieve, what I offer, what I bring to the table is what makes me deserving, and that's where my worth is and learning how to reframe that and say, no, my worth is not tied to what I can produce.

That's a really hard space to get to though. 

Oh, yes. We're not conditioned that way. Even with school, it's Okay, you do this, you get X grade, you do this, you like brought up most of us spend all these years in these structures of it's achieving thing of okay, if I achieve this, I'll get external validation or praise.

And then that kind of just, or for me, what I realized is when I got out of graduate school, that just drops off. We don't really get external validation.  Even in the workplace, sure you get your performance reviews and stuff, but I feel like people weren't like, hey, I saw you do that thing, great job.

It's just like the good stuff just, you don't, someone only really talk to you when they need to talk to you or they need you to do something. And then it's okay, I'm used to getting all this external validation, but wow, how do I try to work that in for myself and build my internal validation? 

And we realize if no one else is going to give it to us, we've got to give it to ourselves. 

Yes.  Yes. No one is coming. No one's coming to save us. 

And that's the, again, like when we look at being  people Who have once believed and sometimes the inner mean girl tells us what you produce is what you're worth.

And that is how you gain value. That is how you add value.  It is hard to leave these structures, these spaces. Oh, you did great. You get an A. Your report card, A. Like Oh, you want to be team captain of your soccer team. There are so many structures in place where validation is just  offered. And then to step into the next space where that's gone,  it skew, all of it skews then our perception  of what we're doing and what it means if we're doing it right. 

And that's when we get into the spiral. Am I doing this right? Am I doing this good enough? Am I doing this?  Fill in the blank, 

and it becomes heavy. I think it, it  creates a level of mistrust of ourself and our intuition. Of Okay, if we're not getting this and we're not feeling confident in it, it makes us then hard to trust ourself, which again impacts how we show up in friendships.

Can I trust myself to be myself? Ooh, did I say something? Am I going to show up? Okay. Can I trust myself to make decisions for my kids that I feel are good instead of listening to all the chatter around me or whatever? Can I show up and make decisions in my marriage that are ultimately going to support us?

It's re building that like self trust while building that internal value.  

That is so important.  Like, when we think about  validation, we think about self trust. Trusting ourselves to make the best decision for ourselves. 

Yeah.  And if our mean girl's really freaking loud, we can't do that sometimes.

We can. We can. She's not all bad in some ways. She's probably, given us a little fire and has got us going. But yeah, but she gets really loud and then, yeah. 

 And then it becomes an unsustainable way to build self trust. 

Yeah. 

Because that gets, like you said, that gets heavy.

To be constantly picking and nagging and feeling like you're not  good enough because then, at least for me,  the goalpost then constantly moves. It's constantly, okay, great. I did reach the goal and now I'm going to move it to this next really arbitrary thing that I've created as valuable.  And.  It's not, it's just not sustainable. 

No, it's not. And it's just so unfair to us. It's think that was a big reflection and what you're talking about is like moving the goalposts. It's okay, when I do this, I'll be happy. When I play X, I'll be happy. When I have this relationship, I'll be happy. When I achieve this milestone at work, I'll be happy.

When I get this degree, I'll be happy.  And then life  moves by, very quickly. And you look back and you're like. I didn't,  I wasn't myself during any of that. I just let these accomplishments that are something that I want to just go by without allowing myself to be proud of them or  feeling uncomfortable being proud of them that I just kept moving things like that's so unfair to us. 

And I think so many people can resonate with the idea that we confuse contentment with stagnance. 

Yes. 

And so when people hear, 

you get 

to be proud of where you are, you get to just be present with what you have accomplished.  There's so many of us who receive that as, nope, that means we're being stagnant.

That means we're not pushing ourselves to our ability. That means that we are not like thinking about the next big thing,  but what we're actually doing is not being present with what we've already accomplished. And then we don't even get to enjoy it because we're thinking about the next thing.

Oh, I know. I bring up the idea of containment with my clients all the time. And when I do it, their faces are always like. They start scrunching their faces, and everyone starts getting uncomfortable. They're like, you want me to be content? I'm like, do you even know what that let's not pack this.

I'm not asking you to not have goals, and not be achieving, and not have hopes and dreams.  What would it be like if you just felt some level of peace? I, not, I know that's a, but just some level. Oh, that sounds really nice. I'm like, that's it. That's all, yeah. Yeah.

Just acknowledging, making space for yourself. 

 What if,  just for a moment, we could allow ourselves to look at  all that we have done and say  that, that is enough. 

That'd be beautiful. That would. I think that would be really reaffirming. I think it would bring a smile to people's faces. I think it would create a sense of just in achievement. 

Yeah, I think. And then it makes future achievement feel less of a have to and more from a fulfilling place. It's I know I can do it. And so now I'm not doing this next thing to prove anything to anybody. I'm doing this. Next thing out of passion, out of want, out of to grow, expand what I'm already building, but it's not my identity.

My worth isn't necessarily tied to this project, this thing whatever it may be.

It,

 I think that's how  we start to quiet her or try to just understand or just enjoy our lives a little bit more by okay, we can. Our worth is tied to what we define it as, not what other people, not so much what other people are seeing or wanting from us, but what we really want. And I think that's scary for a lot of people too, because it's okay, I don't know what I want.

And it's okay get curious about it. When you start to silence her a little bit, get curious about what you're drawn to or what things start to come up. Or where are your interests go when hopefully you have more just like emotional  and mental capacity through your day when you're not beating yourself up over again, like this is your time to be curious and be like,  what is my worth?

Where do you really want it to be? Where am I really fulfilled? Where's my energy best served? 

Yeah, and be okay with not knowing and we look at that ambiguous space as something that's terrifying Rather than like you said getting curious about what is in this unknown Am I overlooking a space where I actually should be in?

Am I putting my shoulds in front of my wants? And shoulds really get the best of  all of us. 

Oh my god the  That's one of the things that I think that's one of the activities, or it is one of the activities in kind of the Silent Shooter Mean Girl is even just a simple change every should statement to I choose,  or even just think about it as okay, I should be doing this thing.

It's No, what do I choose to do with this hour? Do I choose to sit on the couch for the hour because I'm exhausted or do I choose to do the laundry because you know what?  I really, I have the capacity to do it. Not like I should do this, but like choosing to do. 

Yeah. Cause should is also based out of obligation.

Yeah. 

And if everything's an obligation.  No fun. 

No fun? Where's the fun in that? That, no! We need play. Even as adults, we need play. We don't need, yes. I miss Type A is the best of but I still need play. I still need to be non scheduled. I need non scheduled, non doing time too.  

We need that.

Our brains like require it.  It's like we owe it to ourselves. Yes, we do.  Because there's still, we're still like multifaceted beings and so creativity, play, fun, that's what allows us to expand and grow as people. It allows us to look at things with different perspectives when we allow ourselves to engage in, in all aspects of who we are, not just the achievement part, not just the doer or the problem solver, but being the person who.

Sometimes doesn't know being sometimes the person who gets a little messy who gets a little chaotic  

Yes, because I feel like that's where the  that's where the joy happens. That's where the exploration happens that's where you may have a new idea or find a passion or just get to practice something and Even allow yourself the permission just to hey, I'm gonna try this and I'll be good at it  

Yeah, I always tell So many of my clients that I work with, like the goal of therapy is not to be fully fixed, there will always be  something that you need to work on or feel like you need to work on.

 The goal is to just get to a space where you're like I'm good with where I am.  

Yeah, I'm good. And I have the tools and I feel confident in, it's going to ebb and flow, but I have these handful of tools and I know I can trust myself that I can use them. I'm always going to have to work on communication, practice, better boundaries or insert whatever it is we're working on.

But yeah, it's just building up that resiliency and tools. So you have things to pull from when life  gets really fricking messy.  

There will always  be areas to grow in and work on.  Part of silencing that inner mean girl is saying, I know I could grow in this area, and I'm so good with where I am right now.

Yeah, and I think even when I was talking about this with people, and they're like, Oh, I missed a day, or I didn't do that, and I'm like, It's not about perfection, it's I'm asking you to practice. I'm asking you just to try something new for yourself. It's not about perfection. There are going to be certain situations where I'm going to be meaner to myself, and it's going to be harder to unravel that.

Then maybe  when I spit like spill milk in my kitchen or something, but, and that's okay. It's just can we at least stop being so hard on ourself all the time? So we have the capacity to deal with the really big things and what we actually need to be all engaged and problem solving  with it. 

Yeah,  man,  I wish I had this course like 10 years ago. This is, 

I know I like wish someone I, because it's. We're not taught this. And I thought about this all the time. It's we're so taught, or at least, I was. It's be nice to everyone. Say please, say thank you. Be helpful, be considerate, show up for other people.

And I'm not saying these are bad things whatsoever, but no one ever stopped to say, Hey, and while you're doing all that, how about you be nice to yourself too? How about all the things that you freely extend to other people? You practice that too.  

That, and that's  We can never see ourselves the same way that others see us.

Or we can never see ourselves the way that we would see a friend, a loved one. We internalize, we can internalize so much. I know, I am an internalizer. I am turning it inward. I am working it. It is churning away.  And I'm like, damn, Jasmine, you would never. You 

would never talk to anyone you love like that.

You would 

never talk to somebody like that.  Why are you talking to yourself like that? 

Sometimes I think it's if we feel like if we say it, no one can, I think in some ways it's a self preservation mechanism that just,  Work so it doesn't anymore and it really just starts to, pull us apart, but it's okay, yourself and no one can hurt us or at us or, we're meaner to ourselves than probably what anyone would ever say to us.

And if we can, but if we prep and prepare and we know that we have these things, it won't hurt when someone inevitably, throws that gut punch, if some, most likely no one is going, no one, most likely no one is actually going to throw that.  gut punch and then it  creates really negative pathways in our brain that we just,  that just wears and tears on us for no 

reason.

 It's like building this resiliency. So when we can, we say, when someone says something that hurts our feelings or someone says something that could potentially disagree with our perception, we're like I already said it to myself. 

Yeah. 

And it was 20 times worse. So boom. I won. 

 No, it's going to hurt.

Cause it's going to, if someone says, yes, it's going to hurt.  But we can also  know that, when that inner mean girl is being silenced and we're being more of our own biggest cheerleader, then we have the tools to be like, okay, yeah, that hurts. I don't like this. It really made me upset when someone said X, Y, and Z, but I know I have my support system.

How do I try to be kind to myself, like through it and pull on their skills?  If it were to happen.  

Yeah.  And it  goes back to trusting ourselves when we can trust when we're confident in the choices that we're making, then we can look at our lives and be like, Heck yeah, girl, do it. You're doing it. You're doing it.

You're learning. You're growing. You're evolving. Yes, do it. You might fail, but that's okay because that means you're learning. That means you're taking new steps, new strides. 

I think we lose that. I, as adults is, and I know, I'm certainly in that camp too. It's like when we're kids, we're just a little more I think you're, you're more allowed to be, you're a little bit more curious about things.

If you want to play soccer, you try soccer. If you want to try ice skating, you try ice skating. Oh, there's a new game. Let me practice that. And then I think it's just.  As the older we get, it feels scarier to be a beginner at something like, Oh, if we're an adult, we're all knowing and wise and we shouldn't be beginners.

And I think it's no, we get good at things by practicing. Just like we got good at things as kids. When we started out, maybe playing a sport or activity, we all started somewhere, but if we did it consistently, and that's why there's practices and you show up every week and.  over time, hopefully, you get a little bit better, even if it's 1 percent each day,  but I think we lose that as adults that like, Hey, we can still, rewire or create new neural pathways or do new things.

We just have to.

 And I think that's as kids, we looked at adults and they were like, they have it all together. They know it. Like they know they've got it. And so when I'm an adult, I better know.  

And now I'm the adult and I don't know. I literally am like. I'm the adult. My parents had a child at my I'm like, what?

What? I, what are you talking about? I, yes, where is that all knowing wisdom? I don't know, because I still feel like a kid. I'm still trying to figure it out daily.  

Listen here to all the adults who don't know , there are two adults here who literally do not know, and it is okay. 

I think that speaks to, even just the name of your podcast who all your parts.

That's part of it is okay, yes, I hope for everyone there is that thing that they feel confident in or Hey, I feel really called to, but hey, it's also a part of it too is, hey, I'm an adult and I'm still figuring out and I still make mistakes and I'm still learning and I'm still working on things and I'm still trying to grow and evolve.

Yeah leaving space for that messiness, leaving space to not know, to still be figuring out and recognizing that like you're already whole also.  

Yeah, it's really,  it's a beautiful thing. The work  does pay for itself. It's a beautiful thing we can get to that place. 

Yeah,  Kylie, how can people find you if they want to work with you or they want to get More info on this inner mean girl lesson here.

They can find me. I am, I'm just on Instagram at Kylie Lambert counseling. I am licensed in the state of North Carolina. So if anyone's in North Carolina, I'd be happy to connect with you. My practice is fully virtual  and yeah, I would love to just connect with people more and make self compassion more obtainable in like a fun, not, fun relatable way, in a way that just resonates and because whenever I say it to people, I'm like, oh, silent shitter, mean girl, I just start smirking like, okay, I can get behind that.

So yeah, making it just approachable. Yeah. So a question that I am asking all of my guests this season. is what is your commitment to yourself for 2025? 

Oh,  all right. My commitment.  Actually, it is going back to this idea of self trust.  I, my commitment to myself is to pay attention to what my intuition is telling me more as opposed to the expectations that other people have for me, or maybe even in the ways that I have shown up for people before.

Not saying I'm not going to be caring or  spending my time and energy. I just really want to be.  intentional and putting myself in spaces where I feel a level of just reciprocity and authenticity. And the other, commitment I have for myself is to really prioritize my marriage. I've been married for seven years.

We've been together for 10. And I think in the world of entrepreneur, small business, I've really focused a lot on my business and  my business is strong because my real, I am.  When my, when I am feeling strong and convicted in my relationship, my business does well. And I also have to water the places that have really supported me.

And so I want to make my time more intentional that we're spending more time together. 

Yeah. 

So we can meet the goals that we put.  

Thank you so much for sharing that. 

It's work. I think it's, I think being a people pleaser, sometimes I forgot, the people that not forgot, but. Oh, I took for granted some of the, built in support when I was trying to do all the pieces and market and do all that.

And  it's time to reclaim that  

a little bit. Yeah. 

Every time and trust myself that, I can put myself in spaces that feel good. 

 Yeah. That's the lovely reminder that we can reprioritize anytime. 

Yes. Yes. 

 Kylie, And it doesn't have to 

be wrong to reprioritize either. 

Yeah,  thank you so much for joining me.

I loved this conversation so much. It was so fun to have you here. 

No, it was truly my honor. I really appreciate you, seeing the value and silence in your Mean Girl and wanting to chat with me and just getting to know you. This is, this has been great. I appreciate you and all that you're doing for your practice and for our community. 

Thank you.