Taming Your Inner Mean Girl: From Self Doubt to Self Compassion with Kylie Lambert

In this episode, I’m joined by Kylie Lambert, a therapist and self-talk expert who teaches a full course on healing the inner critic. Together, we dig into why your inner mean girl thrives on doubt and how to rewrite the script with real, practical tools.

We cover:
🧠 How self-compassion is more than a buzzword — it’s a boundary you set for yourself
🚫 Why toxic positivity keeps you stuck in shame and self-judgment
💖 Tangible techniques to shift from harsh inner critique to inner gentleness
✨ Building self-trust when perfectionism and external pressure spike
👯‍♀️ Cultivating the best friend you’ve been waiting for inside your own head

This conversation is for anyone who’s ever spiraled in self-doubt or wrestled with perfectionism and wants to rewrite their internal narrative. It’s about showing up with more kindness, steadiness, and confidence in your own voice.

📲 Connect with Kylie:

🌐 www.kylielambertcounseling.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to All Our Parts. Today, we are going to be talking about quieting our inner mean girl. And to help me, I have Kylie Lambert, who offers a course on healing, renewing, restoring that inner voice that we have. Kylie, thank you so much for being here. I

SPEAKER_01: 0:24

am so honored to be here. This will be fun.

SPEAKER_00: 0:27

Of course, I saw your course on threads. I think I I saw it on threads and then I was just like obsessed. Like, I love the concept because we think about it from, as therapists, we think about it from parts work. We think about it from CBT, like retraining and reframing the thought, but giving it like, yeah, it's like that inner mean girl.

SPEAKER_01: 0:51

I had talked a lot with people and I was like, people were asking what some of the work that you do within therapy practice. And I was like, honestly, I'm working with a lot of women on becoming more self-compliant. And I think as therapists, we can understand what self-compassion is. I think if you ask the average person, oh yeah, I know what that is. But I feel like people just didn't really understand the gravity of self-compassion work. And so I knew I wanted to come up with some sort of digital product or something that I could offer my clients, but also as a way for me to reach more people and have access, give people these tools at a more affordable level than even just a therapy session. or anything of that nature and so I was trying I had someone challenge me they're like you talk about self-compassion but what is it what is it lay it out for me and through that I came up with silencing your inner mean girl and it felt like when I said that to people were like oh I get it now that really affects me that really affects how I feel about myself that affects me how I show up at work in my relationships with my kids it felt okay this may be a way to make this idea of like self-compassion because I think it's like the same thing as self-care Oh, I know what self-care is, but then it gets lost in the sauce of what it is.

SPEAKER_00: 2:08

Yeah. So let's break down the concept of self-compassion because we as therapists, we say, love yourself. You want to show yourself that compassion. And because we are so familiar with the concept, I think we can approach it from a really big way rather than breaking it down. So in its essence, what is self-compassion?

SPEAKER_01: 2:32

The way that I see self-compassion is it's breaking down into three parts, or this is how I usually explain it to clients or just even friends or whatever. But it's not, the first thing I always tell people, it is not about toxic positivity. People, I think, start to kind of push back or be like, oh, so you're telling me I need to stand in the mirror and say I'm enough? And I'm like, no. Not that you can't do those things, but it goes beyond that. It actually means identifying the emotion of what's going on. I'm feeling really anxious about a big final I have coming up. It's holding space for what is actually happening in the present and identifying a feeling about it in a way of self-validating. Oh, I'm feeling this. Then we move it into this common humanity piece of... not feeling alone. Because I think what's often hard to be kind to ourself is because we feel like we're only the only one that made a mistake or we're the only one that anxious is anxious for the final or we're the only one that's underprepared. And so it's okay. I'm acknowledging what's going on and trying to reframe it in a way of it's natural to be nervous before a big presentation or a big final. It's natural. And just because we're maybe not seeing it when we're scrolling on Instagram, when people are posting their best parts or their best pieces of their life, it is normal to feel anxious before situations like that. And then that's where like, how do we be our own best friend because of that? Yes, I'm nervous to stand up and do this for the first time, but I can't be the only person that's ever been anxious to give a big presentation at work. And knowing this is going on today, what do I need to do to be kind to myself today?

SPEAKER_00: 4:16

Yeah, because that toxic positivity can turn into invalidation real quick and so when we think about it it's like the first step is really yeah of course I'm anxious about this test that I'm taking of this presentation that I'm about to do of course I'm feeling super nervous about traveling for the first time with my kids home and someone else watching them we get to have those feelings give space to them and say how can I reframe this in a different way not even even a positive, not even a like exceptional way, but like, how can I reframe this to, and sit a bit comfier with it?

SPEAKER_01: 5:01

Yes. To make it more digestible and more, because if our brain doesn't, not that they're, they've done a lot of work with like meditation and stuff. And if, if your brain doesn't really believe you're enough, just standing in the mirror all the time is just, and saying, I'm enough. And we really don't believe it. It's not going to sink in right away, but what's a way that we can reframe it in a way where it's how can I support myself or how can I ask for the support that I need

SPEAKER_00: 5:26

yeah were you always drawn to the inner mean girl kind of work

SPEAKER_01: 5:31

I think so I think we we come to hold space for people through our own things and I definitely identified with having a very critical self voice my entire life and I think when I was really reflecting in my mid-20s and not just in a gray headspace. I was really feeling a need to overperform, to find my worth, to prove myself to other people. I was struggling with over-exercising and under-eating because I really believe that my appearance, someone would love me if I looked X way, just a lot of really critical messaging. And I stumbled upon Kristen Neff's work, which is, she does a lot of work with mindful self-compassion. And when I was breaking down some of the things that I've talked about, And I realized when I started putting some things into play or I realized how self-critical I was being and there were tools to release it. And I saw the power of it in my own life, just through practicing and reframing that I realized that's what, that was the missing link for a lot of my clients. They had things and they were working on things, had the tools, but it was like the thing that was almost holding them back was really their inner mean girl. They could do all the things, but they were still being so critical and still not enjoying and being present in the moment that was happening in front of them or present with their kids or enjoying the vacations and I realized at least for the population of women I was working with that it felt like this was really the missing link was how do I learn to just be kind to myself so first

SPEAKER_00: 7:10

yeah I totally resonate with what you share as a still an achiever but growing up believing that what I achieve what I offer what I bring to the table is what makes me deserving and that's where my worth is and learning how to reframe that and say no my worth is not tied to what I can produce

SPEAKER_01: 7:33

even with school it's okay you do this you get x grade you do this you like brought up most of us spend all these years in these structures it's achieving thing of okay if I achieve this I'll get external validation or praise and then that kind of just or for me what I realize is when I got out of graduate school that just drops off We don't really get external validation. Even really in the workplace, sure, you get your performance reviews and stuff, but I feel like people weren't like, hey, I saw you do that thing. Great job. It's just like the good stuff. Just someone only really talked to you when they need to talk to you or they need you to do something. And then it's getting all this external validation. Wow. How do I try to work that in for myself and build my internal validation? And

SPEAKER_00: 8:21

we realize... if no one else is going to give it to us, we've got to give it to ourselves.

SPEAKER_01: 8:27

Yes. Yes. No one is coming. No one's coming to save us.

SPEAKER_00: 8:34

And that's the, again, like when we look at being people who have once believed, and sometimes the inner mean girl tells us what you produce is what you're worth. And that is how you gain value. That is how you act. value it is hard to leave these structures these spaces there are so many structures in place where validation is just offered and then to step into the next space where that's gone it skews all of it skews then our perception of what we're doing and what it means if we're doing it right and that's when we get into the spiral? Am I doing this right? Am I doing this good enough? Am I doing this fill in the blank?

SPEAKER_01: 9:27

And it becomes heavy. I think it creates a level of mistrust of ourself and our intuition. Okay, if we're not getting this and we're not feeling confident in it, it makes us then hard to trust ourself, which again impacts how we show up in friendships. Can I trust myself to be myself? Did I say something? Can I trust myself to make decisions for my kids that I feel are good instead of listening to all the chat or around me or whatever can I show up and make decisions in my marriage that are ultimately going to support us it's rebuilding that like self-trust while building that internal validation

SPEAKER_00: 10:02

that is so important like when we think about validation we think about self-trust trusting ourselves to make the best decision for ourselves

SPEAKER_01: 10:14

yeah and if our mean girl's really freaking loud we can't do that sometimes she's not all bad in some ways she's probably given us a little fire and it's got us going but yeah but she gets really loud

SPEAKER_00: 10:29

and then it becomes an unsustainable way to build self-trust

SPEAKER_01: 10:34

yeah

SPEAKER_00: 10:34

because that get like you said that gets heavy to be constantly picking and nagging and feeling like you're not good enough because then at least for me the goalpost then constantly moves. It's constantly, okay, great. I did reach the goal and now I'm going to move it to this next really arbitrary thing that I've created as valuable. And it's not, it's just not sustainable.

SPEAKER_01: 11:09

No, it's not. I think that was a big reflection of what you're talking about is like moving the goalpost. It's okay. When I do this, I'll be happy. When I play X, I'll be happy. When I have this relationship, I'll be happy. When I achieve this milestone at work, I'll be happy. When I get this degree, I'll be happy. And then life moves by very quickly. And you look back and you're like, I didn't, I wasn't myself during any of that. I just let these accomplishments that are something that I want to just go by without allowing myself to be proud of them or feeling uncomfortable being proud of them that I just kept moving things like that's so unfair to us.

SPEAKER_00: 11:48

And I think so many people can resonate with the idea that we confuse contentment with stagnance. doing is not being present with what we've already accomplished and then we don't even get to enjoy it because we're thinking about the next thing oh I

SPEAKER_01: 12:26

know I bring up the idea of contentment with my clients all the time and when I do it their faces are always like they start scrunching their faces and everyone starts getting uncomfortable like you want me to be content I'm not asking you to not have goals and not be achieving and not have hopes and dreams what would it be like if you just felt some level of piece oh that sounds really nice that's it that's all yeah

SPEAKER_00: 12:53

what if just for a moment we could allow ourselves to look at all that we have done and say that that is enough

SPEAKER_01: 13:04

that'd be beautiful that would I think that would be really reaffirming I think it would bring a smile to people's faces I think it would create a sense of just achievement

SPEAKER_00: 13:13

yeah I think and then it makes future achievement feel less of a have to and more from a fulfilling place. I know I can do it. And so now I'm not doing this next thing to prove anything to anybody. I'm doing this next thing out of passion, out of want, out of to grow, expand what I'm already building. But it's not my identity. My worth isn't necessarily tied to this project. I

SPEAKER_01: 13:45

think that's how we start to quiet her or try to just enjoy our lives a little bit more by okay we can our worth is tied to what we define it as not what other people's not so much where other people are seeing or wanting from us but what we really want and I think that's scary for a lot of people too because it's okay I don't know what I want and it's okay get curious about it when you start to silence her a little bit get curious about what you're drawn to or what things start to come up or where your interests go when hopefully you have more just like emotional and mental capacity through your day when you're not beating yourself up over and over again like this is your time to be curious and be like what is my worth where do you really want it to be where am I really fulfilled where is my energy best served

SPEAKER_00: 14:31

yeah and be okay with not knowing rather than like you said getting curious about what is in this unknown am I overlooking a space where I actually should be in am I putting my shoulds in front of my wants and shoulds really get the best of all of us.

SPEAKER_01: 14:50

I think that's one of the activities or it is one of the activities in kind of the silent shirt or mean girl is even just the simple change every should statement to I choose. Or even just think about it as, okay, I should be doing this thing. It's no, what do I choose to do with this hour? Do I choose to sit on the couch for the hour because I'm exhausted? Or do I choose to do the laundry? Because you know what? I really, I have the capacity to do it. Not like I should do this, but like, you know, choosing to do.

SPEAKER_00: 15:20

Yeah, because should is also based out of obligation. Yeah. And if everything is an obligation, no fun.

SPEAKER_01: 15:29

No fun? Where's the fun in that? We need play. Even as adults, we need play. We don't need...

SPEAKER_00: 15:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_01: 15:36

I miss type A as the best of... I still need play. I need non-scheduled, non-doing time too. We

SPEAKER_00: 15:42

need that. Our brains require it. It's like we owe it to ourselves because still multifaceted beings. And so creativity, play, fun, that's what allows us to expand and grow as people. It allows us to look at things with different perspectives when we allow ourselves to engage in all aspects of who we are, not just the achievement part, not just the doer or the problem solver sometimes doesn't know. Being sometimes the person who gets a little messy, who gets a little chaotic.

SPEAKER_01: 16:26

Yes, because I feel like that's where the joy happens. That's where the exploration happens. That's where you may have a new idea or find a passion or just get to practice something and even allow yourself the permission just to, hey, I'm going to try this and I'll be good at it.

SPEAKER_00: 16:44

I always tell so many of my clients that I work with, the goal of therapy is not to be fully fixed. There will always be something that you need to work on or feel like you need to work on. The goal is to just get to a space where you're like, I'm good with where I am.

SPEAKER_01: 17:05

Yeah, I'm good. And I have the tools and I feel confident in it's going to ebb and flow. But I have these handful of tools and I know I can trust myself that I can use them. I'm always going to have to work on communication, practice better boundaries or insert whatever it is we're working on. But yeah, it's just building up that resiliency and tools. So you have things to pull from

SPEAKER_00: 17:25

when

SPEAKER_01: 17:26

life really gets from really freaking messy

SPEAKER_00: 17:29

there will all there will always be areas to grow in and work on part of silencing that inner mean girl saying i know i could grow in this area and i'm so good with where i am right now

SPEAKER_01: 17:43

yeah i and i think even when i was talking about this with people and they're like oh i missed the day or i didn't do that and i'm like it's not about perfection it's i'm asking you to practice i'm asking you just to try something new for yourself it's not about perfection there are going to be certain situations where I'm going to be meaner to myself and it's going to be harder to unravel that than maybe when I spit like spill milk in my kitchen or something but and that's okay it's just can we at least stop being so hard on ourself all the time so we have the capacity to deal with the really big things and what we actually need to be all engaged and problem solving with it

SPEAKER_00: 18:26

yeah Yeah. Yeah. Wish I

SPEAKER_01: 18:33

had this course like 10 years ago.

SPEAKER_00: 18:56

we can never see ourselves the same way that others see us or we can never see ourselves the way that we would see a friend a loved one we internalize we can internalize so much i know i am an internal i am turning it inward i am working it it is churning away and i'm like damn jasmine you would never

SPEAKER_01: 19:22

you never talk to anyone you love like that

SPEAKER_00: 19:25

why are you talking to yourself like that

SPEAKER_01: 19:28

sometimes I think it's if we feel like if we say it no one can I think in some ways okay yourself and no one can hurt us around us or and if we can but if we prep and prepare and we know that we have these things it won't hurt when someone inevitably throws that gut punch so most likely no one is gonna

SPEAKER_00: 19:47

It's like building this resiliency. So when someone says something that hurts our feelings or someone says something that could potentially disagree with our perception, we're like, I already said it to myself.

SPEAKER_01: 20:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 20:01

And it was 20 times worse. So boom, I won.

SPEAKER_01: 20:06

No, it's going to hurt because it's going to... Yes, it's going to hurt. But we can also... know that when that inner mean girl is being silenced and we're being more of our own biggest cheerleader then we have the tools to be like okay yeah that hurts I don't like this it really made me upset when someone said x y and z but I know I have my support system how do I try to be kind to myself like through it and pull on those skills if it were to happen

SPEAKER_00: 20:35

and it goes back to trusting ourselves when we can trust when we're confident in the choices that we're making then we can look at our lives and be like heck yeah girl do it you're doing it you're doing it you're learning you're growing you're evolving yes do it you might fail but that's okay because that means you're learning that means you're taking new steps new strides

SPEAKER_01: 21:01

I think we lose that I as adults is and I know I'm certainly in that camp too it's like when we're kids we're just a little more like well I think you're you're more allowed to be you're a little bit more curious about things if you want to play soccer you try soccer if you want to try ice skating you try ice skating oh there's a new game let me practice that and then I think the older we get it feels scarier to be a beginner at something like oh if we're an adult we're all knowing and wise and we shouldn't be beginners and I think it's no we get good at things by practicing just like we got good at things as kids when we started out maybe playing a sport or activity we all started somewhere but if we did it consistently and that's why there's practice this is and you show up every week and over time, hopefully you get a little bit better, even if it's 1% each day. But I think we lose that as adults that like, Hey, we can still rewire or create new neural pathways or do new things. We just have to.

SPEAKER_00: 21:58

And I think that's as kids, we looked at adults and they were like, they have it all together. They know it. Like they know they've got it. And so when I'm an adult, I better know.

UNKNOWN: 22:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 22:10

and now I'm the adult and I don't know I literally am like I'm the adult my parents had a child at my I'm like what what I still feel like a kid I'm still trying to figure it out daily

SPEAKER_00: 22:23

listen here to all the adults who don't know there are two adults here who literally do not know and it is okay I

SPEAKER_01: 22:32

think that speaks to even just the name of your podcast to all your parts that's part of it is okay yes I hope for everyone there is that thing that they feel confident in or hey I feel really called to but hey it's also a part of it too is hey I'm an adult and I'm still figuring out and I still make mistakes and I'm still learning and I'm still working on things and I'm still trying to grow and evolve

SPEAKER_00: 22:56

yeah leaving space for that messiness leaving space to not know to still be figuring out and recognizing that like you're already whole also

SPEAKER_01: 23:10

It's really, it's a beautiful thing. The work does pay for itself. It's a beautiful thing. We can get to that place.

SPEAKER_00: 23:18

Yeah. Kylie, how can people find you if they want to work with you or they want to get more info on this inner mean girl lesson here? They

SPEAKER_01: 23:32

can find me. I am, I'm just on Instagram at Kylie Lambert counseling. I am license in the state of North Carolina. So if anyone's in North Carolina, be happy to connect with you. My practice is fully virtual and yeah, I would love to just connect with people more and make self-compassion more obtainable and like a fun, not fun, relatable way in a way that just resonates. And because whenever I say it to people, I'm like, oh, silent, shit or mean girl. I just start smart. Okay. I can get behind that.

SPEAKER_00: 24:07

So a question that I am asking all of my guests to season is what is your commitment to yourself for 2025? Oh, all

SPEAKER_01: 24:20

right. My commitment, actually, it is going back to this idea of self-trust. My commitment to myself is to pay attention to what my intuition is telling me more as opposed to the expectations that other people people have for me, or maybe even in the ways that I have shown up for people for not saying I'm not going to be caring or spending my time and energy. I just really want to be intentional and putting myself in spaces where I feel a level of just reciprocity and authenticity. And the other commitment I have for myself is to really prioritize my marriage I've been married for seven years. We've been together for 10. And I think in the world of entrepreneur, small business, I've really focused a lot on my business and my business is strong because when I am feeling strong and convicted in my relationship, my business does well. And I also have to water the places that have really supported me. And so I want to make my time more intentional that we're spending more time together so we can be the goals that we both have too

SPEAKER_00: 25:43

thank you so much for sharing that

SPEAKER_01: 25:45

it's work I think it's I think being a people pleaser sometimes I forgot the people that not forgot but oh took for granted some of the built-in support when I was trying to do all the pieces and market and do all that and it's time to reclaim that a little bit

SPEAKER_00: 26:03

yeah

SPEAKER_01: 26:03

time and trust myself that I can put myself in spaces that feel good

SPEAKER_00: 26:08

yeah that's the lovely reminder reminder that we can reprioritize anytime

SPEAKER_01: 26:12

yes yes

SPEAKER_00: 26:16

Kylie thank you

SPEAKER_01: 26:18

be wrong to reprioritize either

SPEAKER_00: 26:21

yeah thank you so much for joining me I loved this conversation so much it was so fun to have you here no

SPEAKER_01: 26:31

it was truly my honor I really appreciate you seeing the value in silencing your meaning really wanting to chat with me and just getting to know you. This is, this has been great. I appreciate you and all that you're doing for your practice and for our community. Thank you.