When Family Is the Harm: How Guilt, Obligation, and Narcissistic Dynamics Keep Us Stuck in Relationships That Hurt with Josi Dumont

In this powerful episode of All Our Parts, I’m joined by Josi Dumont for an unfiltered conversation about one of the most painful and taboo topics in healing work: setting boundaries with toxic family members.

Together, we talk honestly about family estrangement, navigating life with a narcissistic parent, and the deep guilt that keeps so many people stuck in relationships that no longer feel safe or supportive. This episode isn’t about villainizing family—it’s about naming harm, reclaiming self-trust, and redefining what “family” can mean when biology isn’t synonymous with care.

In this episode, we explore:

• Josi’s personal experience with family estrangement and narcissistic family dynamics
• Why guilt and obligation keep us trapped—and how to move through them
• Redefining family and building chosen community rooted in love and respect
• How to protect your peace without apology or over-explaining
• Actionable steps to trust yourself and begin healing harmful family patterns

If you’ve ever felt torn between family loyalty and your own authenticity, this conversation is a reminder that choosing yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.

You’re allowed to set boundaries.
 You’re allowed to grieve what wasn’t.
 And you’re allowed to build a life—and a family—that doesn’t require you to abandon yourself.

Connect with Josi:

📲 @josi_dumont

🌐 Josi’s Linktree

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Hello everybody, welcome back to All Our Parts. I am so excited to introduce my guest for this week. She just pitched a thriller idea and I am literally so excited to talk about it. She is a leadership and mindset coach. Josie, thank you so much for joining me today. Oh gosh, thank you so much, Jasmine, for having me. I'm super excited to be here. So just to dive right in, I mean, family is is not always thicker than water. And that is a lesson that so many of us experience, but don't give space to talk about. So just to kind of start, what inspired you to, you know, want to speak on this?

SPEAKER_00 0:51

what inspired me to talk about this is definitely that one we don't talk enough about it it's kind of like almost like a taboo topic like there's so much judgment immediately like how dare you speak about this or how dare you setting up boundaries with your parents how dare you not having a relationship with them like how dare you cutting them out of your life like all of those things but what I see as more important is your own happiness in life and if If a person does not contribute to that or even drains your happiness or even makes your life just living hell, then they do not deserve a place in your life. It is a toxic person. And sometimes those toxic people can come from family, even though we don't like it. And I've experienced that myself for sure in the past. So that's why I wanted to come on and share about this because it is a really, really important topic. In my heart. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

And it... There's like a level of guilt sometimes too that comes with making the choice to either part ways from family, restructure what that family relationship looks like. I know for myself, I have definitely sat with, like, I know these people are not like good for me to have in my life. And I'm like, but they're my family and I want to be able to figure it out. And so many of us sit in that space of, I want to figure it out because they are family. And to your point, if a person is not contributing to living your best most authentic life then they shouldn't have a place in your life and biologically we do place that pedestal on family and then when we separate when we ask ourselves if we were related by blood would i really have you in my life if the answer is no then it's like why do we why do we make those permissions anyway

SPEAKER_00 2:57

and that's really the problem i see here like why do we why do we use like the connection through blood as that one ultimate excuse that no we have to keep this person in our lives like as you said like if they weren't related would we still keep them around like most likely not it's a lot easier to then like cut off but because you have apparently like this unbreakable bond you're like oh no I have to make this work I have to get along with them I have to invite them to my wedding to my birthdays I have to send them cards and like all of those things like keep up maybe a facade or like a relationship that actually you don't like but the question is like at what cost if the cost is way greater than what you actually get out of it especially if you only get pain and being hurt out of it then it's not worth it it's just not worth it

SPEAKER_01 3:57

yeah you know as much as you feel comfortable sharing what does your family structure look like right now or whose are people you keep in touch with or not keep in touch with

SPEAKER_00 4:09

yeah so I changed my family structure in terms of like how I stay in touch with them who do I allow into my life very drastically when I turned 25 up until then I was trying all the things I was like no it's family I gotta go to the birthdays I gotta show up I gotta play the game gotta put a happy smile on my face when I see them but oh my gosh every single time like on my mother's side but also my father's side especially especially there were so many moments so many comments that just felt like being stabbed in into the back into my heart there was so much judgment kind of like behind the back talking and gossiping and I was just like sorry but this is family like if I look at any movie at any like children's picture book whatever family look looks always different and of course no family is perfect But this hurts. So... When I was 25, like on my birthday, I was like, okay, cool. We shall make some decisions now. We shall make some changes because I'm sick of this. I was so sick of it. And specifically, so the relationship to my dad was a very, very tricky one. He was a very narcissistic parent. So everything would evolve around him. He would always want to be like the center of attention. Oh, that's my shared experience. Obviously he would say something else, but I would know what he would say. He always said oh yeah like this is a play a game we are playing and I'm gonna win this game and he was always kind of like in a fight against my mom kind of like a like revenge kind of game where he was oh I'm gonna win against your mother and you have to play with me and you have to do all of these things and then in the same sentence he would call her all the names all the names and then right after he would say things like and you're exactly the same like your mother you're exactly the same within like one conversation he tried to manipulate me to be on his side he insulted me he made me feel like shit like all of those things he insulted also other family members he always was saying like because of my son I'm like oh yeah you're just a do-more you're like the others you're like the rest of them that was a very very very toxic and draining relationship and my 25th birthday I sent him an email and I did try to talk about this with him beforehand And I was like, listen, this doesn't work. I can't do this anymore because it's too painful. It just hurts so much. And I'm not happy around you. When I think about you, I'm not happy. Any conversation that we're having is just a draining, like literally the life juice out of me. I've sent him an email and was just like, look, this is how it goes from now on. We will have no contact no more. I will do everything without you. I will do life without you. There will be clear boundaries and you can respect them or you, you cannot, but this is my, these are my boundaries and I will honor them because I want to be happy in my life. Yeah. And he wrote back. something around like understood and accepted with kind regards and then he signed with his name and I was like I've expected worse but that's okay and since then I didn't have any contact with him so I really cut that relationship but also with some other family members on my mom's side like my aunts some cousins I did not go to any more like family come togethers because I just couldn't stand this toxicity I anymore it was just too much because once I saw what was going on it was unbearable I can't even like describe it differently it was just unbearable and I just felt like I was valuing my life and my own happiness way more than putting up this facade to make them happy so there was a big inward focus and they did say things like oh Josie you're so selfish what about us like don't you love us anymore we we love you so much much we are always there for you and I was like the thing is though you're not like you're saying this but you're not so no thank you I'm going to the UK I'm moving away and I shall do my own thing and yeah so since then I also cut the relationship to them one relationship that I did not intend to change at first was the relationship to my grandma that was a very very dear relationship to me she was was kind of like a parent figure almost to me she was always very much involved in my life and she was always kind of like a go-to person for me to trust and be around but then certain things happened especially after I cut off the relationship to my dad because she is his mom she didn't understand and then there were some things happening where she just stepped literally again into my back and I was just like whoa those were the most painful moments almost because I felt very much betrayed. Betrayed by the one I love the most and the one I literally... wanted to keep in my life the most like the one I valued the most in terms of my family as well but then all of those things happened so the relationship kind of fizzled out and it's on the one hand very sad but on the other hand I need to be happy first I can't bend myself and be inauthentic to make those other people happy so that is one relationship where I'm still working actually through grief at times especially around my birthday which is actually the upcoming next week so that's when these feelings these emotions come up really really strongly and I do want to point that out because that might be also why this topic obviously is really hard to talk about because there is so much to work through there is so much sadness so much grief but there's also so much happiness gained from it and the feeling of staying authentic the feeling of staying true to yourself will always overweigh like balance out those feelings of like feeling icky because you have this mask on your face

SPEAKER_01 10:39

yeah I resonate with so much of what you just said and empathize with so much of what you just shared. And it's interesting because we have very similar familial people that we have had to make very serious decisions about. I went no contact with my dad at 16 and then at the same time would insult me, call me names. I'm like... I can't do this anymore. Like I actually can't do this anymore. And my parents had shared custody. They also couldn't stand one another. And so I was the triangulation piece that you just described. Being in the middle of that as a child, I am like, please hire a mediator, not me. But even at 16, I was like, This, I don't know what something different looks like yet because I also had really challenging relationships with like cousins, like some aunts and things. It's like, I don't know what different looks like at 16, but this can't be the best. Like this cannot be it. And so having that contact cut off, it's been, I haven't seen him in 10 years. And I actually just shared that with my aunt recently. She was like, you really haven't seen him in 10 years? I was like, correct. Like- I told you all I went no contact with him it wasn't a frivolous concept I was very serious about that

SPEAKER_00 12:15

yeah

SPEAKER_01 12:15

but my grandmother was also somebody I actually had to recently go no contact with because she made like a disparaging remark as relates to my like relationship and In those moments, like the way you just described it, it's like, what the fuck? Like, it's like, really? Like, now I have to make a very hard choice. And so I remember sitting across from her and letting her talk and say what she needed to say. And then I was like, you know what? I'm leaving. And we've been no contact for the last two years. I feel with you. It's not going to work. So yeah, it's like this... It's a gut punch, honestly. And like you said, working through the feelings... And I think sometimes, I don't know if you can relate to this.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

Yes, yes, I can relate to this very much. And I think actually, do you know where I feel like that might be coming from? From feeling like you have to be the good daughter, the good granddaughter, the good girl, like the one who manages it all. And then we experience this kind of failure where we have this relationship that didn't work out. And it's so easy to then, put blame onto ourselves and obviously feel embarrassed for like one it not working out but at the same time also embarrassed for how could I let this even happen to me so there are two sides of the coin I feel like and they both they're both hard both

SPEAKER_01 14:11

hard to work through and even I remember growing up and seeing other people with their dads and I'm like well I know I'll never have that and feeling that jealousy and that embarrassment that I like don't even want to be seen with my father it's like man I don't have the picture perfect family dynamic and if I know for me I was around a lot of people who did like they had mom and dad in the house they had siblings I'm an only child and so I always looking and being like, wow, I'm in a real lonely spot because I don't have the family to connect to, but I also don't have friends that can really sit with where I'm at right now.

SPEAKER_00 15:03

yeah that's the tricky part like many people can't understand especially if obviously they have maybe like really healthy family dynamics and you're then there from the outside looking in and it's just like but why can't I have that like why is it so hard for me and your friend is like I want to be there to support you but I really don't get what you're going through because I don't experience that and I don't know how often Often I've tried to tell people my upbringing, my story, and try to make sense of how my parents are around me and how they make me feel and what's going on. Probably oversharing in so many conversations with people I just met as well because it was just like seeking for this, do you understand me? But most people didn't. And after a while, I was just like... maybe that's okay maybe they don't need to understand and I did find along the way those people who would be there no matter what it didn't matter that they had maybe like better family dynamics or not they were just like here for Josie I love you and that's all that matters and that was then really the support that helped me to form bonds that to me personally were way thicker than bonds to family they would outweigh any blood connection that I had and I'm so grateful to still have these people in my life and I'm just like wow thank you and this seeing like this value and this difference in those relationships between your friends that who are truly there for you compared to the ones who are supposed to be there for you who were supposed to love you unconditionally is worlds apart worlds apart which is literally why I'm saying like yep blood ain't thicker than water

SPEAKER_01 17:01

but you just spoke oh my goodness this is the perfect segue because you just spoke to a the lonely aspect of it where we are seeking that connection because we have no idea we're relearning how to connect with people we are relearning what it means to share to be open with other people and so it does feel like oversharing because you're like hey like I don't have a family like I don't have anyone in my family that I can connect with and I'm going to put this out there and then hope you receive it and there is that space where you're like just keep

SPEAKER_00 17:37

it to myself yeah

SPEAKER_01 17:39

and then time passes healing happens life happens and you meet those people and you recognize like maybe 16 year old me didn't know the difference but me now I'm like I absolutely do know the difference I have the difference now and this feels so much better than the situations that I was in years ago What is it? What do you think is the first step in rebuilding community?

SPEAKER_00 18:08

I feel like the first step is in, to me personally, it was overcoming the fear of being hurt by the ones I love the most. And that is something that my coach actually told me back in 2020, 2021, because that was at one of my lowest points in life. So everything else was crushing around me. The long-term relationship I was in turned really toxic. So even though we got married right after, three weeks after we got divorced because I just couldn't stand it anymore like I had to once again choose myself but at the same time have all these people with their opinions come back at me and hurt me so the fear of being hurt by the ones I loved the most was so huge and that's something I really had to work on overcoming to be able to trust again because it's a trust thing it's a trust thing in terms of like trusting other people and being like I still see the good in you I still trust that you can be that you are an incredible person and you bring value into my life but to also trust for those who don't that you can cut them off and I feel like overcoming this kind of fear starts with rebuilding love to yourself I mean any community building relationship building always starts with the relationship to yourself and that can be done through various ways obviously like just doing the inner work doing the mindset work going into the fears, going into your limiting beliefs, working through all of that. But also, and it's something I've been loving to do personally is go on solo trips, take yourself out on a date, take yourself out into a coffee shop, go to the cinema, like romanticize your life. And this one relationship with this one person that stays with you your whole life, that is you. And once you can build that trust to yourself again you can expand that and you can also expand that love and that compassion that kindness once again to others and that's where you then can rekindle even relationships or build new relationships and for me that helped to strengthen the relationship to some friends I already had that I still have in my life and I'm so grateful for that but it also helped me to rekindle restart my relationship to my mom because I cut that one off as well so both parents were out of my life for a long time but by doing this inner work and she actually did the work herself without me telling her obviously but she did some inner work herself and that was then forming this new basis so it do you feel like if there has been a broken relationship both parts need to be willing to work on it but it starts with the inner work and then to maybe venture out a little bit and be like what do you think about this and we literally connected reconnected back again on topics like energy the universe manifesting passion topics but that helped us to just find this common ground again and I know we will never ever have this incredibly loving mother daughter relationship but that's fine because I know what we have right now is something new something special that we never had and it's based on true feelings of love but it took us doing the inner work first and really focusing inwards first

SPEAKER_01 21:38

yeah I mean honestly to that I want to say forget everyone else for a second it starts with rebuilding that relationship to yourself because our internal voice is now influenced by our family. And so our internal voice is a combination of what we think of ourselves, but also what they think of us and those negative messages. And so if that is still being funneled and played out in our mind, it's impacting the choices we make. It's certainly reinforcing the limiting beliefs that we might have. So we have to rebuild that relationship to ourselves. No Knowing that we are our own safe person, that we are our own trusted guide, that we are our own compass, and we can make choices to be in community with people that truly love us and see us. But it's truly... the external cannot reflect the internal until the internal has been addressed. 100%,

SPEAKER_00 22:47

100%. We really got to learn to work through detaching all of that, like conditioning that comes from the outside, everything that's not us. And to really start coming back home to ourselves, who we truly are at our core, like who we authentically are. And yes, that is scary work. We got to look at like, okay, who is Josie actually who is Jasmine actually like what do we like what are our strengths what are our weaknesses like how do we deal with difficult situations how do we deal with good situations can we actually deal with heavy emotions like what what are all of those things that make us us and I feel like that's where also my my coach actually helped me a lot just through having this external perspective but to guide me to find out things about me like my values my my goals, my dreams, what I want to stand for. What do I want to have written literally on the tombstone of my grave at the end of my life? What do I want my life to stand for, my legacy that I want to leave? And also the generational traumas and BS that I want to break through. I don't want to bring the same stuff into the relationship with my kids. So I got to work it out. I got to figure it out now to heal that so I can be a better parent but that really starts with this kind of like deep level of self-awareness and getting it to know yourself and yeah really peeling off those layers of the onion that have been around you like those social tool expectations parental conditioning all of that stuff peel it all away so you find actually like who you truly are again at your core and I don't think this is an ending journey like there's no real end to it I think we do that actually our whole life it's hard work and it's consistent work like even me now as a leadership and mindset coach I'm still doing the work like it doesn't stop they still come up I still have those happy emotions like when I talk about my family and stuff but it gets easier and you learn the tools along the way and you learn more and more to really respect and accept and love yourself for who you are and just build this deep love to yourself that just feels so empowering and so freeing as well because you know you have your own back and you're like I got me yeah I literally got me and that is so much more than yeah a fake relationship to someone where you're like no no thanks

SPEAKER_01 25:30

and It does get easier. And even as you rebuild and recreate new relationships in your life, those relationships make it so much easier to look at family dynamics and say, I am not tolerating that. At least, I mean, for me, I got into a conflict with my cousin about two years ago and she like straight up disrespected me. I was like... I'm still speechless when I think about it and then I was like you know what there is nobody in my life that I would ever let speak to me that way right now and move forward there would be no moving forward after that and so it became a much easier choice for her to apologize and then for me to say you are forgiven and there is no space in my life for you because I won't be spoken to that way and it versus me maybe a few years ago would have felt we can repair it we can figure it out let's talk about it let's you know I'm here I want to I want to fix it it's like actually no I love myself way too much to allow you to speak to me that way because I know you're going to do it again like this isn't a one-off thing this is who you are I'm seeing you for who you are and I'm going to make a more informed choice now based on the information that And so it does get easier to choose yourself. It gets way easier to cultivate a community, a space of people that are more aligned with where you are. Yeah. And then it gets much easier to process and recognize that the family that you choose to part ways with are not people that are good for you.

SPEAKER_00 27:29

Yeah. And you really touched on such an important point here around setting boundaries. And I'm such a strong believer in boundaries actually lead to the healthier relationships because you're protecting your own peace and you're also appearing obviously like an authentic relationship with that other person. but it takes obviously communication and being like this is the boundary i'm putting up this is why you can accept it and understand it and like not step over it but if you do step over it these are the consequences yeah then you teach them how they are supposed to treat you but if you want to be treated with respect and love then you gotta uphold those boundaries and same with everything that will feel hard in the beginning it will feel very hard but also that will get easier because if they do accept them and actually relationship blossoms because of that then you're like this was the best choice ever thank you and also the other person will be like wow this actually improved our relationship because now we can bond on way deeper terms that allow another to be truly authentic and to not just be like almost like using of another

SPEAKER_01 28:45

boundaries I always say is the thing that has me and the other person and mine but boundaries also allow for us to avoid feeling resentful of the other person and when you just spoke to someone trampling and then and then us saying it's fine we're just growing resentful of that person and then rather than addressing the boundary that was crossed now you're trying to sort through your feelings of wow I let them treat me this way and they chose to take liberty with treating me this way and so now I'm dealing with something a bit more complicated and resent is hard to work through as someone who has sat in their resentment and who has allowed people to be very flexed with my boundaries and being like you'll get it right next time no worries no Yeah. myself my worth my integrity to their response

SPEAKER_00 30:18

yes that's where we then would get into people pleasing again and like almost giving into that fear of like being hurt or hurting people who are of meaning to us and I feel like an important practice there is to practice forgiveness forgiveness to yourself for letting them step over your boundary and being like okay even though I let this happen I still still love and accept myself. And I do forgive myself because if we then go down into this resentment hole towards ourselves, then we go down a rabbit hole of just limiting beliefs, self-sabotage, and we don't want to be there. It's a very bad place to be. And that can cause really heavy emotions and even more stuff to deal with. So forgiveness can be such a good gift to yourself. But then obviously also when practicing detachment from those other people or what they have done to us that wasn't fair if they have hurt us forgiving them doesn't mean they are right it doesn't mean they had all the right to do what they did or that it was okay what they did it doesn't mean that at all it just means you're setting yourself free like you're letting that grudge go you're letting that resentment go because those are very heavy negative emotions and we don't want them to grow into something that we might not be able to deal with in other ways because that could lead to depression maybe Maybe it could lead to really anxiety. So practicing forgiveness can really help to prevent that. And to just almost like just clear off all the weeds, all the weeds in the garden and be like, cool, I have like a clear empty space now again to grow the relationships that actually are of value. And the ones where we have a boundary wall, there's a little fence. Sometimes we peek over, we look and see like, can we like connect? We can know like what's happening over there. If not, then not, that's totally fine. We just... Let them be. We still love them. We're still grateful for them. But they just live their lives and you live yours on your side of the card.

SPEAKER_01 32:22

So well said. 100%. When we're able to work through those very complicated feelings, when we're able to free ourselves from that disappointment, the shame, the guilt, the hurt that comes with separating from family members, there's peace on the other side. And then we get to say, you know, I wish you the best. I wish you great things. I hope you that you do well and I'm gonna hope for that for you on this side of town like I don't need to be I don't need to have you in my circle you don't need to be in my orbit for me to have neutral calm thoughts about you but that is only after allowing yourself to sit in the anger and the frustration and the hurt that comes with severing that Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 33:27

yes it really is important to acknowledge those emotions because one there are no good emotions with bad emotions we want them both we want to experience them both even though sometimes it's hard but that's what makes this life so beautiful right because we have those this huge scale of like emotions and things that we can experience but as you say like when we finally are able to create that boundary that piece and just let them go it's such a serenity like inner serenity and calmness inside you and Also just knowing that you're still able to send them all your love, like you're still loving them and also recognizing like their happiness is not your responsibility.

SPEAKER_01 34:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:16

And also that is just a burden off your shoulders because your own happiness is your full responsibility, like 100%. Other people's happiness is their own responsibility. And I feel like that is something so important in any relationship actually that both parties like both people in a relationship need to understand and that expectation of like you need to make me happy you owe me happiness like no you don't I owe my own happiness and you owe your own happiness so let's work on that I have no influence on that like we can spend great time together we can have a great relationship or we don't but it's not my responsibility to carry your happiness on my shoulders

SPEAKER_01 35:04

yeah What would you say to somebody who is just starting to become aware that their family dynamics are challenging and they maybe need to reevaluate the relationship?

SPEAKER_00 35:20

I would say start with really getting to know yourself first, like start with that inner self-awareness piece to just know, okay, what values have been dishonored in this relationship? How have you been hurt? And I know that might be painful to look at at first, but it's important to know we've got to hold up the mirror and be like, okay, what is actually going on inside of us? How is this impacting us? Is it holding us back? Is it making us feel small or insignificant, unloved, unworthy? What's going on inside of us? and to then also reflect on but what do I want out of my life what do I need to be happy and then the other piece is to communicate that it might not be easy it might not be understood maybe it will be actually understood and you can put up a boundary the other person will be like cool we try that and they will respect that but it takes training obviously and it takes willingness from both sides but I feel like the communication piece is still really important to just make it clear to the Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:46

Yeah, I really hope this episode just allows people who have been in this position and finding themselves at a crossroads that they recognize that they're not alone in this situation and that there are people who have made very tough choices for their own peace. And I want to reemphasize, it does get better and it gets easier and you will 100% find people that deserve to know you yes you will Josie how can people work with you how can they find you if they are feeling called to

SPEAKER_00 37:30

so you can find me anywhere and everywhere especially threats threats right now is just my happy place I love it but also Instagram LinkedIn and YouTube with my name Josie Dumont so that is j-o-s-i and then d-u-m-o-n-t my website is called the same Josie dumont.com and i offer one-on-one coaching services i also have a membership that truly focuses on you becoming your best self but if you want to maybe dip your toes into this world then i also have a book that is called and there she goes her way in which i go into detail of actions that you can take to really get to know yourself and create that self-awareness so you can make better informed decisions to create a life that is better for you and makes you ultimately happy

SPEAKER_01 38:16

Thank you so much for joining me today and just having this conversation with me.

SPEAKER_00 38:21

Thank you so much for having me.