How To Break Cycles & Cut Toxic Ties Without Losing Yourself with Logan Cooper

cutting ties with toxic people? whew. not easy — but sometimes, absolutely necessary.

in this bold + honest episode of all our parts, i’m joined by logan cooper — aka @crookedcounselorcooper on tiktok — for a convo on what it really means to burn a bridge and choose yourself.

we talk about:

🔥 going no-contact with family (and why it’s not selfish)

🧠 how gender roles + social conditioning keep us stuck in unhealthy dynamics

💔 grieving the relationships you wish had been different

📲 the power of tiktok therapy + speaking your truth online

🌱 how the right connections make you feel safe, not small

this one’s for the cycle-breakers, boundary-setters, and anyone ready to stop apologizing for protecting their peace.

🎧 ready to let go + glow up? hit play.

connect with logan:

📲 TikTok

📸 Instagram

Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:00

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: 0:02

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to All Our Parts. I am so excited for my guest. You can find her on TikTok as the Crooked Counselor, Logan. Thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you for having me, honey. It's nice to be here. Nice to have you. I'm just so excited for this conversation because we met on TikTok. We have just been engaging with each other's content since last year, and everything you post is just real, authentic, and just straight to the point. Thank you. Same to you.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02

can be answered twofold where there is this biological design to stay connected to the pack even if the pack is dysfunctional because it's literally like in our dna that if you stray from the pack you die the original family design was not dysfunctional like this it was much more basic so this is something that's become complicated of course over generations and generations of trauma like there's so many layers to it but i think like at a basic biological level they is that like threat to your survival where even if you can openly acknowledge like this bridge is bad like it's never gotten me anywhere like we both hear it in therapy they're like I know like they're referring to this part they're like I know I should I know it's bad but there is that like biological urge that built into the body saying don't you're not going to be okay you're going to be alone so I think that's a part of it one person's half like one person's part of the bridge in the relationship can be genuine in like we like I explained to clients I'm like there didn't have to be anything unhealthy about your love I understand that when you entered this relationship you were genuine you deeply love this person and that complicates matters when it's time to even when you do see all the signs it's time to go it's hard it's complicated yeah

SPEAKER_00: 2:24

and even I'm as you say that I'm thinking about some of the messages that were taught in childhood be friends with everybody Say hello to everybody. Make sure you're putting out the pleasantries. Everyone gets invited to the birthday party.

SPEAKER_01: 2:40

I also think that like a stark gender difference is that little girls are conditioned to care about other people more first before they're conditioned to care about themselves. And boys are just given a pass because they're just boys.

SPEAKER_00: 2:55

Yeah, boys will be boys.

SPEAKER_01: 2:56

That's just all they're being.

SPEAKER_00: 2:58

Boys don't have to worry about caretaking. They don't need to worry about like cleaning up boys are always the one asked can you move that chair can you move that desk girls are asked can you wipe the desk we are conditioned so early on to fall into these very specific roles and then we grow up and we do not know how to fucking let shit go

SPEAKER_01: 3:22

yes honey because it becomes a part of your identity because you become so wired to seek that external validation when I ask clients I'm like, can you turn the lens inward? Can you ask yourself that question before you ask me? Have you even given yourself a chance to answer this question yet? They're like, no, doesn't that make me selfish? And I'm like, oh God, there it is. There it is. To be self-aware is selfish. To burn a bridge is selfish. You're heartless. You're cold. How could you?

SPEAKER_00: 3:55

And we even like, when we think about the role that women have played, they're always meant to keep the family together.

SPEAKER_01: 4:04

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 4:05

Women are meant to always hold everything intact. So the idea of burning a bridge, it's like you're cutting your foot off. You have ruined your entire life because of this one bridge that you have burned.

SPEAKER_01: 4:20

Exactly. Or that messaging of like, you blew up the family because it was your job. to hold it all together. Even if other people were actively destroying it while you were trying to hold it together, you blew up the family by walking away.

SPEAKER_00: 4:33

You didn't do your part. You're going to do this to

SPEAKER_01: 4:36

your children. You're going to do this to like, it's yeah. There's so many layers, honey.

SPEAKER_00: 4:40

When did you make peace with the idea that like burning bridges was okay? Or how did you come to the idea that, you know what? Like not every bridge is mine to keep.

SPEAKER_01: 4:51

So the pinnacle bridge for me was I did decide about two years ago, to go no contact with my father and my aunt, who were my last surviving biological family members. And there's a long backstory there, but essentially what I, the realization that I came to was that those relationships had become, those bridges had become so dangerous and destructive to my quality of person that maintaining those relationships was starting to seep in and damage my other relationships. Like I couldn't be the parent that I wanted to be for my children while still being the child that my parent needed me to be.

SPEAKER_00: 5:32

Say more on

SPEAKER_01: 5:34

that. I could not, because like you mentioned a few sentences ago, those roles that we're born into, there's a very specific set of rules and it's, you follow specific rules given to you by the person who puts you in that role. That is your job. That is your duty. You're a soldier that doesn't leave a lot of room for evolution and growth and healing. It's very like you're in a box that you essentially you're an object. So when I made the transition from just being somebody's daughter to then being somebody's wife and mother. For me, in order to be healthy versions of that, it was no longer just about me. So that means that no matter how I learn to function well in these other relationships, I could see at this point, there was no way for me to avoid that particular set of rules and roles was literally going to be the death of a healthy marriage. And it was going to ruin my relationships with my own children because there wasn't room for me there wasn't room for me to figure anything out you're just under somebody else's thumb

SPEAKER_00: 6:39

like you cannot evolve into one thing if you are still playing out your very childhood role that has shrunken you minimized you put you in a very specific place that person cannot evolve if they're one foot in one foot out trying to teeter-totter

SPEAKER_01: 7:01

exactly and here Here's the thing that I hope so many people come to understand if they haven't already, is that the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy relationship is the unhealthy relationship will require you to lose or never discover a relationship with yourself. In a healthy relationship, evolution is a good thing. Growth is a good thing. The nature to evolve marriage and parenthood are both ups and downs and compromise and all of those healthy relationship behaviors. A healthy bridge is not going to be threatened by the existence of another off-ramp. It has nothing to do with them. An unhealthy bridge is no, this is the only way. It's the best way. And if you try to go another way, you'll perish.

SPEAKER_00: 7:47

That is something that I experienced. So I am no contact with just about my entire family. And I was only showing up for holidays. That felt like my obligation. Absolutely. And so I would come home with my partner with my friends. And then when I'd sneak in on Thanksgiving or Christmas, I find myself just shrinking, getting smaller and smaller in the room. I'm not talking. And so then finally was like, fuck this. Like I am. Cause then I'm going back into the authentic space and I'm processing the shit that I just put myself through because I put, and I'm like, okay, if I am putting myself in this position this isn't going to serve me if I'm trying to evolve over here and then I'm taking 30 steps backward going back to the space that has shrunken me to begin with

SPEAKER_01: 8:44

spaces and roles that I tell clients feel painfully familiar where you're always like I've been here before like it's it's like squeezing into a pair of jeans that doesn't quite fit and then the more healing you do you're like oh these really don't fit and then you get to a point you're like Like, no, actually they're cutting off my circulation. Like I'm going to, it's literally like the relational equivalent of being exposed to toxic gas. And then when you get home to your safe space, you're like, let out this giant exhale. And it's, you've literally been holding your breath because like you said, you have to shrink down. You have to lose yourself so you can fit in when you're missing the whole point of you should be in relationships where you belong, not fit in.

SPEAKER_00: 9:32

and then prime example my birthday just passed and so my aunt used that opportunity to wish me a happy birthday to remind me that my profession is to make people feel better and I should feel bad about not seeing my grandmother who wanted to pray me out of my relationship no and that she loves me and just doesn't understand the lifestyle I said you haven't called me in two years

SPEAKER_01: 10:06

you honey

SPEAKER_00: 10:08

so if you wanted to talk to me so bad instead of trying to manipulate me on my birthday we could just call but you have also proven my point as to why do not speak to you all and I left it at I have moved on from this I would like everyone to move on from this I have moved on and I'm not about to end entertain this conversation I haven't seen you for two years good for you how you want to say happy birthday to me like also

SPEAKER_01: 10:40

absolutely not on telling you that you should feel anything because that's another red flag that you're in an unhealthy relationship somebody telling you how you should and shouldn't feel somebody telling you how you should and shouldn't live things that I would never say to somebody that I genuinely cared about because I would never want to scare them or or shame them into having a relationship with me.

SPEAKER_00: 11:07

Yeah. And I said, my job as a therapist is to help people identify love, not just the word, but the actions and the feelings behind it.

SPEAKER_01: 11:18

Absolutely. And our jobs are not to just help people feel happy. Our jobs are to help people understand that they get to feel however they feel for as long as they need to feel it. And sure, there may be behaviors that we need to address because your feelings are valid, but your behaviors could need adjusting. That's been true for all of us. But I will never, and I rarely use never, I will never tell someone, you don't have a right to feel the way you do. And if you're not as a therapist, and you get it too, the flack we catch. Because aren't you a therapist? Doesn't that mean you should just have unconditional love and acceptance for everyone and everything? No, that's not what that means.

SPEAKER_00: 11:58

That's literally why we got into this profession. Period. God. But that goes perfectly into this current political climate.

SPEAKER_01: 12:13

No, thank you. No, thank you. I, yeah, obviously there's so much to be said. But I, on the topic of relationships and burning bridges and then connecting it to the politics, obviously we're seeing so many people create content about right now. Like I voted for this administration and I lost my family. Am I this person cut me off? And I just can't believe they would do this to me like over politics. And we've already discussed this, but you said it best. It's really not about politics. It's about values. And you are never obligated, regardless of blood relation or any other condition. to maintain connection to people who threaten your livelihood, to people who don't see you as people.

SPEAKER_00: 13:00

It's, and it's, I was talking to somebody and a friend of mine, and she was like, my family is calling me passionate. I'm like, this is beyond like passion. Right. This is human decency. This is like just to respect, literally respect your neighbor. Right. And you, like, if you feel so comfortable voting for somebody. Right. That's doing exactly what they said they were going to do. And I want to reiterate for everyone who's, oh, I didn't think he'd do it. He's doing exactly what he said he was going to do. He's doing exactly what the people who funded him to run again are going. I keep hearing

SPEAKER_01: 13:46

people who voted for Trump diminish entire races of people and very real safety issues and very real identity issues down to, oh, that DEI thing, that whole transgender thing and then these are the same people who when the coin flips want you to access your compassion and your understanding for them while they're also objectifying you my mind how you think you can take entire groups of people how you can take the entire history of this country which could be a whole separate episode obviously like you're taking entire identities of human beings you're rid Reducing them down to what you think of as these little frivolous things that you can't understand why people are getting so upset about. You are literally objectifying people and dehumanizing them. And then you have the audacity to act entitled to their core human qualities of compassion and empathy. Fuck you for that. Heavy on the fuck you for that.

SPEAKER_00: 15:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 15:01

I'm disgusted.

SPEAKER_00: 15:02

Your tears. I do not have energy for them. Red and white brigade. This is not the space for you. You made your bed. Absolutely. So my choice to not want to spend time with you, not want to educate you. I have that right. Just like you used your right to vote for a bigot. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: 15:28

Absolutely. And I think one thing that really gets to some of the people that I've experienced is they can try to strip you of so many of your rights but they can't change that you have emotionally removed yourself from them and boy does that make them tantrum like a bunch of bigoted babies

SPEAKER_00: 15:50

you don't have that control and that's so interesting because so many of them will say I voted based on logic

SPEAKER_02: 15:58

I

SPEAKER_00: 15:59

voted based on economy like these very practical tangible things but they get so upset when we have decided to rescind any emotional energy absolutely the relationship

SPEAKER_01: 16:17

absolutely and here's the thing is they can't even see that they are already being given more civil treatment than they deserve it takes an enormous amount of emotional gumption for me to coexist in public with people that have made it very clear that's what they align with I keep my eyes ahead I keep my mouth shut not for their benefit because I've got children to raise and a job to do and I'm not going to do it from prison so I am being civil I am already spending the amount of emotional energy that I am willing to expend on these interactions and it has nothing to do with you it's to keep myself safe and the fact that I can coexist in an adult and mature way despite emotional dysregulation that's triggered every day because the world is burning

SPEAKER_00: 17:06

facts facts And the fact that we're not, we're losing our energy, but we're getting it back. The fact that we are not knocked down, that we are not giving up this fight. I know they expected us to be okay. Whatever, we'll do what you say. We're not going to give you the same energy. Actually, we're going to spend the next four years giving you exactly what you deserve. Absolutely. And then 10 years after that for reparations. Oh, God. Yeah, I imagine. Yeah, I'm

SPEAKER_01: 17:45

like taking enough to get through today. But yeah, I think what comes back to bite oppressors every single time, like it's like they're shooting themselves in the foot by cutting out entire chapters of history. It's insane, which again could be another episode. But like the thing that they seem to miss is that nobody is more resilient. Nobody is more resourceful than a trauma survivor. Nobody is more resilient than a trauma survivor. is more like resourceful determined gritty like creative it's these natural resources that are cultivated when you survive these generations of trauma but you can't buy that in the store you can't you're not going to learn that in a book that is forged in the fire and that is why honey despite like all of these attempts throughout history to eradicate entire groups of people you've never fucking succeeded your track record is fucking strong It's okay. And I'm not saying there's not going to be a huge mess made in the attempts, but ultimately your goal of having this be just an opening close, closing the case on entire groups of people, because you think they're the problem. You're not going to succeed. Nobody ever has.

SPEAKER_00: 19:02

And I love that you bring up the resilience piece and that literally ties right back into our point that like to burn a bridge, you trust that you have the resilience, that the bridges that are meant for you, the relationships that are meant for you will be there.

SPEAKER_01: 19:19

Absolutely. And the scariest, but also best thing about that is that it has nothing to do with anyone but you. And that can be incredibly isolating and it can also be incredibly empowering. It depends on what stage of healing you're in. But when you realize that ultimately the human condition is that we are born alone in our bodies and ultimately we die alone in our bodies. And that the beauty of that is that the healthier relationship you have with yourself, the more that you trust, no matter what's going on outside of you, you have got you. You are never alone because you are safe within yourself. You are your own home. The more that you that you trust that I really believe that the universe rewards you for it. I think that being vulnerable, especially after experiencing any type of trauma or abusive relationship, I think that's the bravest thing that anyone can do. I think it's the heart of the human existence.

SPEAKER_00: 20:22

When you are able to trust yourself that you have got you the world in the same way that it will shed the things that do not serve you will also gift you the things that are meant for you. And because you are so sure of yourself, you will be able to receive it and reciprocate it.

SPEAKER_01: 20:43

Absolutely. I tell clients all the time that your greatest source of shame can actually be your greatest superpower, but you have to heal it.

SPEAKER_00: 20:54

Yeah. This is giving me so much to think about. I know this is the beginning, but it's just returning like back to yourself, like the ongoing process when you allow yourself to evolve, to shift, to grow. And when you feel certain in that and sure of yourself, the universe rewards you with the life that is meant for you, the life that you can hold. But in order for you to be able to hold it you have to let that baggage let that shit go

SPEAKER_01: 21:29

when did you get on that path and what motivated you to do it

SPEAKER_00: 21:34

honestly when I was becoming a therapist because I'm carry I'm holding space for other people and I'm saying these things and realizing I am not living it out and I'm realizing I'm showing up to session so heavy I'm feeling like I'm carrying center blocks and I'm like I'm I am reminding people every day of their worth that they get to create the life that they want and then I'm here just going autopilot in my life and I had to start paying attention to patterns and even as I started posting on socials more often I was like I can't say this and then be living out something completely different. And I need to wake up and realize some of these relationships might be here for the wrong reasons. Once I allowed that congruence and that grief, that loss, the joy, the uncertainty, once I let it all in, I was like, okay, as long as I am feeling certain and sure, if I am leading with love, if I am leading with compassion and making choice that are not harming others, I get to let that go and I get to welcome what is meant for me. It gets to feel ease at some point as someone who has felt like they have always had to be strong, resilient, independent. The hardest thing that I've had to learn is how to let ease into my life. Tell me more about that. So many of us who grow up, who learn to hold on on to our relationships who learn that we have to fix everything that we have to be everything for everyone that we have to always figure it out I realized oh I don't have to figure it out and that's okay I do not need to be superwoman for everyone I do not need to have the cape on I actually get to let this bridge go and I will still be okay and still move forward yes and that takes a hell of a lot of self-trust that takes a lot of hope yes that things will continue to go and in a positive trajectory yes I realized the war that I was creating in myself was becoming far greater than than trying to please other people

SPEAKER_01: 24:11

yes yes honey I think the word that I always associate that process with is grit you have to be gritty and it is a like people talk about healing like it's this fluffy little animal oh i'm healing i healed zen oh lululemon and it's no healing is actually really gruesome at times like healing will like you said require you to look in a mirror it sounds like that was what becoming a therapist was starting to do for you where you were like oh here's what i'm putting out but at the end of the day i'm looking at my And which is brave enough to look at yourself like obviously the world could benefit from a dose of that. But like, you have to be gritty to look at yourself to look at all of yourself, and to recognize not only the dysfunctional systems that you're in, which are real and can be largely out of our control initially because we're born into them, but also the role you're playing. And like oftentimes and I hate this part, but like it comes from recognizing qualities of, you know, your oppressor or your traumatizer like whoever that was like when you feel like they're infiltrating you and you can hear yourself like talking like them or you can see yourself acting like them and you're like oh I don't want to do that I don't want to be a hypocrite I don't want to be abusive I don't want to be manipulative okay how can I not be that and then you have to like override like override like so many learned systems

SPEAKER_00: 25:44

and the dysfunctional Disfunctional relationships. that will light a match faster than anybody. I get it. I realized I didn't know how to receive ease in my life. I didn't know that, okay, like my life gets to be calm. Like I get to be in healthy relationships. Like things get to feel this way and I would light a match. I'm done rebuilding. I'm tired of this pattern. I

SPEAKER_01: 26:41

had a session that I'll never forget with a therapist who I was because I'm really good with hurting people with my words. And I don't want to lose that quality entirely in myself because sometimes it really comes in handy and I'm proud of it. Like quite frankly, I earned my stripes. But my therapist at the time was like, when you talk about hurting people's feelings, like when you talk about these examples you're giving me, it almost sounds like you're proud of it. And I had never had somebody just call me out on the fact that this isn't necessarily what you should be leading with, right? Like it's more of a weapon you act when you need it, but it can't be your standard mode of operation. Like I was literally bringing a bazooka to every water balloon fight. I was also calling things fights that weren't even fights because I had such a dysregulated nervous system that like you're saying, ease, what's that? What do you mean we can have conflict? It was wild. That was wild to me to learn that.

SPEAKER_00: 27:40

What's your sign?

SPEAKER_01: 27:43

I thank you. The OG. What's yours?

SPEAKER_00: 27:53

Oh, Aquarius. Oh,

SPEAKER_01: 27:56

yes.

SPEAKER_00: 27:57

The silent one. Let

SPEAKER_01: 28:00

me know if you ever want to do a duo. I feel like we could play really well together. This is

SPEAKER_00: 28:06

like a duo right here.

SPEAKER_01: 28:10

But we've learned enough skills. We've learned enough. But truly, like relationships that require you to continue to operate Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But toxic loyalty is a huge reason why people don't burn bridges because they are going down with the ship no matter what. And that's exactly what's happening in this country right now. There will be people that will gladly go down with the ship, Trump at the helm every step of the way. And you do not have to go down with the ship and you are not abandoning a relationship if that relationship already required you to abandon yourself to stay in it. No, find a life raft. Find a life raft and don't go poking holes in it by like you already identified self-sabotaging.

SPEAKER_00: 29:31

It's like, no, I want to live, but it's hard. I'll row my, I'll swim. Aquarius is water bearer. Where can people find you if they are interested in checking your stuff out, interested in working with you?

SPEAKER_01: 29:49

So I am predominantly on TikTok. I do post some on Instagram, but TikTok is the main source of being able to interact with me. And I do individual therapy, which obviously is my private practice. But yeah, people can find me on TikTok anytime. I'm really enjoying the community that we've built. I think it's been such a, obviously TikTok has been a lot of things, but I do think in large part, it has been a huge blessing for people to learn how to find and connect with their people, like how to find that village that you need. I think it's I think it's been complicated, but I think it's been a blessing.

SPEAKER_00: 30:23

And my question to all of my guests this year is what is your commitment to yourself for 2025? Oh,

SPEAKER_01: 30:33

so my I try to come up with a key word. And my key word for actually the last couple of years has been soften. That's what I say to myself when I can feel my body getting hijacked, especially with my kids, like when I'm getting triggered. triggered by their behaviors is my mission is to soften. My mission is to continue to practice being compassionate and open-minded and kind as much as is important to me as a person. But I would like to point out to people that does not make you weak because I'm not here to perform for anyone. I'm actually not very nice. I'm a kind person. Boom. What about yours?

SPEAKER_00: 31:21

I forgot. My commitment to myself is, it goes back to ease, is allowing. So my word for the year was expansive. And I think part of being expansive is also allowing things to shift, allowing things to ebb and flow as they must.

SPEAKER_01: 31:41

And trusting yourself, you will ride the wave. No, I love that. Find your word that resonates with you. Find the word that when you hold on to it, you can feel yourself in these moments and allow Wow. Soften. Surrender is a huge one that I use with clients. Like surrender, honey. It's scary, but oftentimes we are making the fight worse for ourselves than we would if we just surrender.

SPEAKER_00: 32:05

Thank you so much for joining me.

SPEAKER_01: 32:10

You're welcome. Thank you for having me. Of course.

UNKNOWN: 32:14

Thank you.