why adulting is weird af: perfectionism, spiraling & finding your way with Lindsay Goldfarb

adulting is weird. it’s messy. and no one warned us how disorienting your 20s and 30s could feel.

in this episode of all our parts, i sit down with lindsay goldfarb— executive director of the sterling group — for a real, unfiltered convo on:

🌀 why so many of us feel like we’re lowkey spiraling

💭 perfectionism + the exhausting need for external validation

🚫 how to stop chasing lives that only look good on paper

✨ learning to trust yourself (even when it’s uncomfortable)

🌱 embracing flexibility, change, and your own damn timeline

if you’ve ever looked around and thought, “shouldn’t i have it together by now?” — this one’s your sign that you’re doing just fine.

🎧 tune in for the pep talk you didn’t know you needed.

connect with the sterling group:

📲 TikTok: @thesterlinggroupdc

📸 Instagram: @thesterlinggroupdc

🌐 Website: www.thesterlinggroupdc.com

Transcript

 Hello, everybody. Welcome back to All Our Parts. I am so excited to have my next guest. She is a fellow Washington, D. C. clinician, executive director of the Sterling Group. Lindsay, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you so much for having me.  So tell me about the Sterling Group. What is your specialty?

What are you all like rooted in?  

So the Sterling group, um, we work with 20, loosely 20 and 30 somethings. Um, it kind of started with this realization of the kind of stereotypical, like young adult stage, at least in textbooks and, but kind of medically is like 18 to 24. And like, I have yet to meet a 24, 25 year old that, As has graduated from the young and is like middle aged or, um, you know, settled into their lives or identities their careers.

Uh,  so, you know, there's there's like limited there's there's just a gap in that sort of support for this age group and also, um.  This is this extra expectation and pressure that, oh, young adulthood ends at 25, so you better have it all together, uh, and that, again, is just not the case, and was certainly not my personal experience, so we really love working with people anywhere from college through school.

20s 30s plus, um, around those, all of the life transitions that take those decades, not just years to, and, and even, even longer than that, but the transitions that come up as we figure out our adult lives are. I, our personal identities, our professional identities, our relationship and family identities. Um, and how we put those pieces together in a way that's really,  uh, meaningful and authentic to who we are and our values. 

Yeah, 100 percent when we think about the expectation around 20, 30 somethings, it's like, okay, you've graduated. You have your major and now you are ready to be 100 percent certain about what you're going to do next and jump into that career and start building a life of stability, which then creates this like heightened level of anxiety because we know as fellow 2030 somethings that is not Like, that's just not how it happens.

No, they give you that extra three years after college until you're 24, and then that's it. Then you're, you know, you're a fully formed  grown up.  Yeah, and I think in, especially in the D. C. area, and I think a lot, around a lot of major cities in their suburbs, um, There's, there's already that, that expectation and that pressure and the ambition and the drive, all of these things that make, you know, DC so fast paced and the hustle culture.

So just adding that, you know, we already have that ingrained in us. You know, from starting school, if not sooner, and then, you know, to then to then graduate from college or wherever we are kind of in that 18 to 21 and it's like, okay, it's like, so what, who are you now? And what are you going to do with your life?

And, uh, let's have it all planned out and decided. And so there's that additional layer of expectation, both Internally and also from  society.  

I love that you mentioned the, the very geographical reality of living in the DMV, especially. I went to Catholic school, private school, all through, uh, here in like Prince George's County.

So right outside of Washington, D. C. So. Ambition being in an athletic conference that like was televised often,  uh, program that praised achievement success being in 10 clubs while taking all these AP courses.  It has formed the adult that I am today. And the very pressure to live up to that expectation then and in adulthood creates this, this anxiety, this need to be perfect, this need to like always be doing and then when it doesn't feel like enough, it start like that feeling of shame and failure, essentially. 

Yeah, absolutely. I'm nodding too, because I grew up in Montgomery County, uh, and I went to public school, but the same. I did, uh, I was taking college classes in senior year of high school somehow. I  took so many APs that I basically started college as a sophomore, because I had all these credits from taking AP classes and these college classes, which, um, you know, and that was the, it was always competitive and, uh, Yeah, I did.

 You know, what, what is the most that you can, you know, you can do and you can achieve as a kid to set yourself up for the future. So I, on a, on a personal level, in addition to the clients that, that we work with, I  really relate to that experience.  

How did you see that impact or shape like your college years into growing like the Sterling Group as well? 

Great question. 

I think that starting in college through and then graduate school and through, um, you know, my early professional life, I, the,  the lack of structure, like the kind of structure that starts to fall away is even in college, you're still getting like grades and feedback in that way that You know that you can shoot for those perfect grades and scores, but you know, as that some of that structure fell away, I found myself a little lost and uncertain,  you know, if my motivation isn't just to get.

Straight A's and to do, you know, I'm already in the college. So, you know, I, that was the big growing up in high school. That was the big thing. Like what college, um, are you going to get to and what college are your peers going to get to it? You know, I found myself in a bit of an identity crisis of, of also, cause I don't want my grades or my scores to define me, but I don't,  I don't have much. 

Else like in its place. So I found myself wrestling with that, like self worth and sense of self. Um, I feel very lucky that in high school I decided that I was really interested in psychology and I wanted to, um  You know, pursue a psychology major in college and presumably become a therapist. And that seems to have tracked that has continued.

Luckily, I say luckily, because you know, who was I to make that decision when I was 16 years old?  It panned out, but you know, I think we have that pressure at such a young age to like decide what is your path going to be, what's your major and what are you going to do after college? And what does that look like?

Um,  so I think, and I, I think I see this in a lot of clients that we work with now of that, you know, they picked something at 16, 17, 18, and, you know, they pursue it, you climb the ladder, you climb the chain and the corporate world or wherever you are, and then you find yourself,  you know, at some point in This process in your twenties and thirties, like, wait, I don't really love where I've reached the top of the ladder or climbing the ladder, which is what I've always been driven to do, but it's not, um,  it's not bringing me the fulfillment and happiness that.

I thought it would, um, or I don't, you know, or the, the, the money, the  titles that they, they don't bring the same validation as they used to, but I can't start over. I can't start from scratch. I've worked so hard for this. So, um, you know, they think that was, again, I, I didn't, I've stayed on this career and education trajectory.

Uh, from the beginning, but I, you know, I had a similar kind of identity crisis and also, you know, see this in so many of the clients that we, we work with.  

Yeah, I can relate to so much of what you just said. I also, I took AP psych in high school and in undergrad, I majored in psychology and thankfully I did like No, I was like, Okay, I want to work in the mental health field.

And I also had this identity crisis of I didn't really know what that looked like. I knew what a therapist was, I kind of knew what they did, but I wasn't like, 100 percent sold. So I went through a couple like career trajectories, went into quasi government, like, because I felt like, Okay, that's what I'm Pose to do this is where I can see clear trajectory of climbing the ladder and reaching this idea of success. 

Hated it was not fulfilling and ultimately went to grad school. And there where I was able to shape like, okay, what kind of therapist do I want to be? How do I show up? And then choosing to branch out into the social media space has also granted this. next level of identity exploration and challenging the beliefs of what does it mean to be a therapist that's also more public facing it  but that identity crisis is something that  we don't always allow ourselves the space to have that uncertainty that change that flexibility and that's where That kicks into our perfectionism is that, okay, I need to have this plan.

I need to stick to the plan. And if I change it, I'm going to be perceived as flaky. I'm going to be perceived as someone that doesn't know.  When some of the best freedom that we can offer ourselves is the, the space to not know.  

That was beautifully said. I'm like, where, where can I write that down? Um, yeah, I think you're speaking to me what a brave decision it is to decide  to, you know, to ditch the career you were working towards go back to grad school, not just because of the  The shame or the judgment that might come from like starting from scratch, um, but also just our identities are so connected to that.

So it's really saying, okay, I'm going to like abandon this part of myself  or at least shift it dramatically and start over. So that's a really brave, scary choice. 

Did you ever get any slack for being a young person who was also ambitious? 

Another great question. 

I think,  I think the slack came from myself,  uh, the slack from myself. Um, just not that, that imposter syndrome. Um, I've always looked.  Um, I mean, I don't know if I still do, but I hope at this point, I hope, but for a while I was very self conscious about people taking me seriously. I never, I didn't get a lot of evidence that that was an issue.

Um, but it was definitely in,  in my head that kind of tug of war between like, I have to be ambitious. I have to drive, drive, drive, but also, you know, am I cut out for this? Am I too young? Am I too inexperienced? Um, Particularly  starting my private practice, even before I expanded to the group. Um, as well as just my, my pre therapy life, I was working in, uh, social service agencies in New York, where I lived.

And, you know, I was working with adults of all ages and all backgrounds and very  underserved populations. And, you know, feeling like, you know, I mean, at the time I really was. 23, 24, 25, um, trying to make a difference. And so I think that was very daunting, but it also kind of instilled the confidence that, okay, you know, this, I can make a difference and it doesn't, yeah, some people are like, you could be my daughter.

Um, but many were just grateful and appreciative and that I still had something to offer. So I think that was really, um, boosting for me at the time. Yeah, 

I love that you speak to our internal voice being our biggest like competition like our biggest critic biggest judge We are telling ourselves.  You're not cut out for this.

You're not ready What makes you think you can do this all of these negative narratives that contribute to our imposter syndrome and feeling like okay Am I really?  ready to take the next step? Or am I like, is this all just luck? Is this all a fluke? Like eventually all of this is going to crumble  and that can be the biggest barrier to what  gets us to take those next steps forward. 

Totally.  And I think too, as therapists, we're taught to be self reflective to, you know, to introspect, to understand, you know, how do we impact others? How do we impact ourselves? So I think sometimes too, there can be a clashing there, um, or exacerbation maybe of that,  uh, we're kind of programmed to.  To at least question, maybe not to doubt, but to question and reflect, um, which can converge in a messy way with that imposter syndrome as well.

Definitely, especially if, um, within achievement, it's very outcome based. And so, in school, you are striving for an A, ideally. And then you're striving for the, the bet, like, the sashes that you wear. And then it's, like, there's always this outcome. And so, when you get to those 20, 30 somethings,  the outcome is  less tangible.

It is very ambiguous and  the failure feels so great. I feel like sometimes because you don't always see what you're working towards. You don't always see the A, the other side of things. You just know you're hoping that you're making the right steps forward and that it culminates into this very meaningful life. 

Right. And I think the other piece of achievement based. Self worth is that it's very rooted in external validation. So you're getting grades. I mean, in especially in younger  years of schooling, you're every week, you're get your, your progress is being tracked. You get report cards, their parent teacher conferences.

There's a lot of extracurriculars that may or may, if it's sports or something, then yes, there's winning and losing and things like that. But, um, you know, there's a lot of, you have your parents giving you  feedback of some reinforcement, um, or criticism if it, if the grades are not where they want them to be.

So it's all kind of rooted in that. What do other people like other people telling me that. I'm good that I'm smart, that I'm worthy. And as we get older, there's less, there's less and less of that. So even in college, you do, you know, papers here and there that you'll get a grade, your grade at the end of the semester.

Um, there aren't typically, at least in larger schools, um, like a more constant feedback loop, unless you seek it out yourself proactively. And, you know, and then when you're in, in the professional world, like An annual review you get and, you know, depending on your job and your boss, like there may be more frequent informal feedback.

Um,  but we're, you know, at that point it's, you know, I get, I have this like one review a year that I get told my worth.  Um, and that there isn't that like structured  validation that we've come to rely on so much and we haven't built up that muscle to validate ourselves  and to,  you know, decide and if we, the way that we do validate ourselves is perfect.

Like, was it perfect or was it not? And that's the like black, white scale that we grade ourselves on, which is.  not fair. We're not saying like, Oh, maybe that was a B plus, which is okay.  Was it an A or was it an F? 

Oh,  so I like cringe when you said  that one review a week, a year that we are letting define our worth  because.

 I remember being in a space where I'm, like, waiting. I'm waiting for the external validation. I'm waiting to be told it's right. And  I am thinking of me when, yes, that review, I believed, was the culmination of the value that I brought to not only work, but also in life. I'm like, I am basing who I am, my identity, what I've accomplished on this one review a year, and then  It's either an A or an F, so then I'm left to pick up the pieces of, okay, it wasn't an A plus, so I'm a failure, not met all the negative feedback loops that start to play out when the feedback comes in, you're right, we don't,  we don't always have the space or we don't always know how to build that muscle of building an internal voice that is Your own validation that is feeling good about where you are being your own definition of success again, there's so many environmental societal factors that play into our perceptions of success and so to Unravel that especially in the therapy space to be like, okay maybe my idea of success is completely different than what I was taught is Both scary and the other side of it is pretty freeing. 

Absolutely. It's like, like many things, it's a difficult skill to pick up in later in our, not later in life, later in our like development journey as, as young adults. Um, and it's scary to abandon that, you know, the system that we're used to. Um, And it's hard. It's just a lot of work to get to that freeing side.

And it's like, trust yourself to do it,  which can be  super powerful, but it's, it's a big hurdle  for us perfectionists too.  

What would you say is the first step in beginning to start building or training that muscle of internal validation? 

I always start with  values and  getting, you know, doing that sort of self reflection and getting clear on what, what really are like specific personal values are. I think often when you ask someone, what are your values, they'll say family.  Sure. I mean,  because it's probably true. And also because I think that's the right thing to say, um, of course we all love and value our family, but what does that really, I mean, also you were talking about family of origin.

Are we talking about chosen family? Um,  and, and again, what is, what does that look to like breaking that? Not, not just family, but, uh, you know, the, the specifics of like what that looks like, what allows you to be healthy? Same with money. Yes. All work. Yeah. Because we live in a capitalist  world and that, um, you know, so yes, we, everyone needs money to survive, but what, you know, what is your, and in theory, sure, it's great to make a ton of money and be super wealthy.

That could be an ideal, but is that, you know, is that the reigning value? I think part of that achievement based mindset is to get to keep, keep climbing the ladder, keep getting promotions and raises because that's cash is king, right? But is that really, you know, in our values system? And if that's, if we've been, you know, climbing the ladder for the sake of money and  Title and success in that regard,  but is but we're not fulfilled by it.

Like we're miserable than the paycheck doesn't aside from keeping us alive and paying rent, you know, doesn't doesn't sustain that. So there's a values clash there. Um, so  that it that's also not an easy step, but I think really coming back to the basics of.  You know, who am I? And  you know what? I've been taught to value, praise and feedback.

But is that, you know, what, like, what feels good about that? 

Mm-hmm . 

What feels good about getting that, uh, validation And then how, like what are the things that make me feel that way that don't require, that are in my control? That don't require other people to tell me that I'm good. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough.

Um,  so that's, that, that could be a long step, but that's the first step.  . 

Yeah. That,  when you say that, I'm like, that's like, yeah, that takes a couple years right there. And that, I think that's not a one session job.  and like, I wanna reiterate to people listening, like, that's okay. It's not meant to be something that. 

You can figure out like immediately, because if you were able to figure it out immediately, you probably wouldn't be like toying with it or feeling that ambivalence around it. But really being able to explore what are your values, your values outside of what you were taught outside of what you were told to believe, like being able to, to build that  sort of structure for yourself takes time and that is okay. 

And it can change. Throughout our lives,  and it should change probably as we grow and our identities shift and and get more complex. 

Yeah, that  change aspect scares us and again it goes back to this idea of knowing like we're supposed to be certain and so when we change it's like but I've. Invested all this time and energy and there's a past version of me that really wanted this and that's what we kind of have to remind ourselves is that there is a past version of you that like Really wanted this like this is what they were hoping and working towards and then we grow and we change as people and then Giving ourselves the space and grace to meet ourselves where we are is is so valuable  

Yeah, and it's introducing that flexibility that we don't naturally have as perfectionists, because it's taking you out of that all or nothing, like, it's allowing space for the gray area or just for things to, that it's not either or all the time, and that things can shift.

So that sort of mental flexibility is also, is another muscle that we want to build around, um, undoing some of the, like, perfectionist  tendencies.  

Lindsay, I have loved this conversation so much, it is giving me something to continue even reflecting on and I hope this conversation at least reinforces the idea for people that like you are going to change, you are going to evolve, and it gets to be a long process and you're not behind, you are running your own race, all of the things that Um, are sometimes really important reminders that we can forget when we're trying to make life transitions. 

Absolutely.  

How can people find you or find the Sterling Group if they're looking to work with you all?  

Yeah. Um, so we are, we have an office in downtown DC metro center. We also work virtually with clients in DC, Maryland, and Virginia. You can find us online. Um, our website is thesterlinggroupdc. com and on socials, we're also the Sterling group, DC. 

All of that will be linked in the show notes. Then my final question I ask all of my guests. Um, and then the last one is, what is your commitment to 

yourself for 2025?  So many great questions. I love that.  My commitment to myself is, oh, there's so many. 

I, it's, I mean, I'm constantly doing this work that I, that I'm talking about today. I'm certainly not at the finish line. Uh, it's a work and probably why I'm so interested in it is because it's such a personal experience, but, um, Um, I really,  something I'm working on for this year is kind of reassessing and realigning my own values.

Um, my professional life has changed so much over the last several years since starting the Sterling Group four years ago, and we've grown a lot. Um, I also, I have a two and a half year old daughter, uh, so that, so all of this kind of happened at, at the same time. Uh,  You know, in my young adult years, so take kind of taking inventory and, um, you know, just making sure I am  aligning with, with my own values and,  you know, seeing what's,  what has shifted and what I can allow to shift, um, to make space for  this.

life that has expanded over the last few years.  

Yeah. Thank you so much for sharing and thank you so much for joining me today. 

Thank you so much.