Why Niceness is Screwing You Over and Kindness Builds Connection

In this episode of 'all our parts,' host Jazzmyn dives into the significant difference between being a kind person versus a nice person. She shares personal stories from her upbringing as the 'golden child' and how the pressure to be nice impacted her friendships and self-worth. Jazzmyn explains that niceness often revolves around others' perceptions, while kindness includes boundaries and genuine interaction. She offers three tips to help listeners recognize if they are being genuinely kind or just trying to appease others. Jazzmyn closes the episode by emphasizing the importance of self-worth and believing in one's inherent value. Tune in for a thoughtful discussion on authenticity, relationships, and self-discovery.

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Transcript

Jazz: 0:00

This episode is supported by Jane, the practice management software built with care. It's everything I need, charting, scheduling, billing, wrapped in one. Honestly, it feels good to use a tool that supports both me and my clients. Try Jane at jane.app with code jazz1mo for a one-month grace period. Today, we are going to be talking about why it is more important for you to be a kind person versus a nice person. I am Jasmine, your host of All Our Parts, where I produce two episodes a week. Mondays, I'll be talking about healing, a little bit of marketing insights, and ways to elevate your personal brand. Fridays, I'll end the week with guest episodes from women founders, baddies, just people who are really crushing it in their own lane. Why am I choosing this topic today? Because I have been seeing it come back on the discourse, especially on Instagram and TikTok, about how I'm a kind person, not a nice person. I raise my hand and say I, Jasmine Proctor, do hold the sentiment that I am a kind person versus being a nice person. I am okay with people looking at me and being like, she's not nice. And that might have just ruffled a couple of our people pleasing friends who are listening, people who are still learning how to own their voice and trust their voice. So I am going to go back to the beginning when I really, really, really, really, really believed it was so important for me to be perceived as a nice person. Keyword perceived. I always struggled to make friends, especially when I was younger, because I was just the odd one out. I liked weird things. I was listening to Lady Gaga when everyone else was listening to Beyonce. I... Played a lot of sports. Being an only kid, socialization just looked really different for me. So I didn't have built-in support friend systems. And so making my own friends and learning that came really... Like, unnaturally to me at times. I was often mirroring or looking at how other people showed up. Case in point, it was so important for me to be liked by everybody. I could not stomach that somebody would have an unkind word to say about me. With that... came the very natural desire to please to say yes to everything to show up to everything to really never have an opinion of my own out of the fear that it might turn away somebody that I would like to be close to Now, this pattern did not start in my friendships. It of course starts within my own family dynamic. I am what you would call the quote unquote golden child turned scapegoat turned pawn. Long story short, Being the golden child, I was under a lot of pressure to do everything right, right under the eyes of my parents. So doing the sports, getting the right grades, taking the right classes, saying the right things, having the right group of friends. Anything to keep my parents off my back, really, but also not disrupt the system which was in place where they are proud of me for what I achieve, and that is the thing that gets commented on, and then I get to move freely around the world. how this has showed up in my family dynamic is not being able to always express my authenticity, not always being able to express me as a person. They didn't get to know me. They got to know a version of me. And as far as like my aunts, my grandparents went, they really celebrated, valued the golden child aspect of me because I was really quiet. I was really timid, nod my head at everything, always had had an accolade to share something to prove that I was moving forward. That is detrimental as fuck. Because when we think about the golden child, like a lot of times we think, oh, wow, like they're so good. They're high achievers. And a lot of times we look at golden children within their families and they're like, oh, my gosh, they're literally doing everything right. Yeah, they're doing everything right to whose standards. Typically, it's not to theirs. It's to keep the cohesion of the family system. So I maintained that golden child status. And then within my friendships. I also felt like, okay, I need to be super agreeable. I need to show up and do all the things that everyone else is interested in so that they will stay my friends. Where this ended up is me being very resentful Because I did not speak up for my boundaries, did not speak up for my needs, did not ever have an opinion on how I needed to be treated in my relationships. That is also because I didn't know how I wanted to be treated in my relationships. A lot of times there's this sentiment that you gotta tell people what you want. You gotta tell people what you need from them. You've gotta share with people how they can show up for you in your relationships. Some of us just, don't know how. Like that is a foreign concept that we have permission to tell people how we want to be treated and they in turn will respect that and listen and understand and want to understand. That is a foreign concept to people who grew up in families where how you were treated was just how you were treated. No apology needed. You move on. You don't cry about it. You don't need to apologize because you're quote unquote family. So I didn't know how I wanted to be treated in my relationships. I didn't know what it would look like to build depth in my friendships, to be honest and transparent and say, gosh, like I'm really spent. I need to reschedule this plan. I don't have the capacity. I was often called the therapist of the friend group because I'm taking on everybody's emotions because I want to be there. I want to be proven as dependable. I want to prove that I will show up for you and I want to be useful because if I am not useful, then why would you stick around? Why would you be my friend if I have nothing to offer you but my personality? Because that just doesn't seem like enough. I need to offer you something. I need to prove that I am worth showing up for. Oh my gosh, little Jasmine. I'm so sorry you had to show up in your relationships that way. I'm so sorry that you felt like you needed to prove your worthiness. So fast forward. I always worried about being nice. And the funny thing about niceness is that a lot of the times being perceived as nice is dependent on how the other person receives us. Oh my gosh, I hope they think we're a nice person. Oh my gosh, I just want to be really nice. I think it would be really nice if it's to please the other person. 99% of the time, niceness has nothing to do with our own wants and needs. It has everything to do with the other person. person and how we hope the other person will respond which is favorable I believe probably like early 20s so like 21 22 I started to adopt the idea of okay I'm not a nice person I'm a kind person and that ruffled my own people pleasing feathers I'm like oh my god why would you even want to describe yourself as that like you're basically saying you're a bitch like why would you want to call yourself that so I would sit with it I am a kind person I'm not a nice person and then I really started to own it I'm a kind person I'm not a nice person kindness for me how I've experienced it how I've been able to live out kindness is it has both the other person and me and mind it has my wants my boundaries my needs in mind and I'm able to show up and love the person from a really genuine place now oh I hope I'm being nice no I'm being really kind I'm being genuine and being authentic I am having a honest human emotional interaction with this person and being kind. Kindness also has a second layer to it in that kindness is not, it doesn't always get spread to everybody. Niceness, it's kind of like a blanket emotion. I'm going to be really nice to this person, even though they're a shitty person, even though they hurt my feelings, even though they walk all over me and treat me like a doormat. I'm going to be really nice to them. kindness has given me a level of discernment in my relationships. And so if someone is being disrespectful, if someone is talking to me in a way that I don't like, I don't need to fall into a fawn response. I can simply take a step back and say, I don't like that. I'm going to choose how I want to respond. I don't feel the need to appease this person. I also, you know, I don't need to control the perception of me. And that's the key. When I think about being kind, I'm not thinking about how I can control the other person's perception of me. Am I showing up genuinely? Am I showing up true to myself and this relationship? If the answer is yes to those questions, then I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing in my relationships. Kindness is a given and it is something that has to be earned from you. When they say not everyone should have access to you, your energy is expensive, all the wonderful sayings, it is true. And the same goes with kindness. You get to reserve kindness, you get to send platitudes, you get to send, you know, wishing you the best and that gets to be true. I had an interaction with someone who used to be like my best friend. Like there was not a world where I did not imagine having her in my life. And we had spoken, I guess about a year ago. And Long story short, like the friendship fizzled out when I stopped reaching out. That's when we ultimately stopped talking. And so we just we took a walk and we caught up and we were able to chat. And she was like, yeah, you know, like I am in D.C. sometimes so I can come see you or, you know, we can catch up and I'm here for you. And I'm like, yeah, I like wish you the best and I hope you're doing well. And me five years ago would have held on to that the thought that our friendship could be rekindled we could move forward that we could be stronger than ever that she this time wants to make an effort to me me a couple years and like hell yes like let's make plans let's get together let's put something in the books right now so i know that this is going to happen and that is scarcity like coming out in true form we walked you know i'm so glad you're doing well i'm really glad that um things are working out for you love that you're living here yada yada I did not leave that conversation with any expectation that she was going to come visit me. It actually was a really nice way to leave that conversation because it felt like I could put a period that I often felt had a semicolon. Like there was another beginning. We just needed to grow up a bit and come back to one another. And so the interaction honestly gave me closure to see where she was going. was and to see where i am and i was able to walk away with that comp i was able to walk away from that conversation with so much love in my heart for her because it will always be there it is something that i will always carry with me um but we don't need to pretend that this is going to go any further than this conversation kindness if anything has given me the space and permission to let go when it is time to let go. Given what I just shared briefly about my own upbringing, my own familial dynamic, relationships used to feel really scarce for me it used to feel like the people that i was meeting the people i was interacting with that was going to be it and if i did not hold on to those people i was not going to experience that love or friendship again i am so happy to say that that was so far from the truth and I am surrounded by so much love, by so many amazing folks who do want to be around me simply because of who I am. And experiencing that kind of acceptance has been so healing, even as I've shown up online and seeing people resonate with stuff that I post, seeing people share that they have had a similar experience, experienced a similar journey. is it means so much to me i don't even have the words but it resonates so deeply and it encourages me to continue showing up it encourages me to continue sharing because it allows people out there to feel so much less alone in their circumstances And so I want to give you three tips to kind of close out this conversation about how you can recognize the difference between if you're being really nice and appeasing or if you are showing up kind. One, again, is whose perception are you focused on? Are you focused on their perception of you or are you focused on your own perception of you? You're focused on them. You're going to be nice every time. You're going to be nice because you're so worried about how they're going to receive you that you're going to fall into niceness. Kindness is, am I staying true to me? Am I showing up with grace, with my own values, with my own morals in mind and responding to this person in the best way that I feel like I can? Am I responding appropriately to the matter? Kindness is, The second one, again, is discernment, is being able to look at interactions. If someone is not speaking to you well, if someone is saying something to you out of term, Rather than say, it's fine. Or maybe I'm overthinking it. Taking a step back and saying, actually, I really don't like how that's making me feel. And I am going to address it because I want this person to know that this does not feel good. Because I deserve to let them know that this doesn't feel good. And then last but not least... is letting go of this idea that you are only worthy and valuable if you are providing something to the other person. That is hard. I felt that in my spirit, even saying it. You do not have to prove why you are worthy of love. You do not have to... Prove why people should want to be in your life, why they should want to show up for you. You are inherently worthy of love, kindness, respect. grace, understanding, celebration, joy, all of the things because you are you and all your amazingness and all your uniqueness. So I want you to believe me when I say you do not have to prove why people need to show up for you or why people should want to show up for you. Your existence is enough. And if you are not finding those people right now, I want to encourage you in that you will. You will find those people and they will feel like your people. You will see all of those relationships that you have let go in the past. flash before your eyes. You will recognize the grief that you experienced. You will recognize the bouts of loneliness that you've sat in. And then you'll look around and you'll say, wow, this is what i've been hoping for and you'll be in a place where you're able to receive it and you're not pushing it away or trying to change it or convince people to not love you or show up for you you will be able to stay really present with it and find more reciprocity and fulfillment out of your relationships. Let me know if this resonates. Let me know how this struck you. You can find me on socials at Healing with Jasmine. I'm so excited for my guest this week. I talk with Kristen Graffo about her love for estate sales, her micro bakery, and how the artist's way changed her life. Tune in, click the bell so you don't miss a beat And please leave a rating, a comment. It helps other people find the show and it helps me continue growing this community. I'll talk to you on Friday. You're the best.