Why Do I Keep Finding Myself Here? Here's how you change it.

You don’t keep choosing the same person.
It just feels like you do.

Different face. Same pattern.

Different relationship. Same ending.

Different version of you… somehow still stuck in the same place.

And at some point, you start asking the question that quietly eats away at everything:

What am I doing wrong?

This episode answers that. Directly.

Because the problem was never you…
It’s the starting point you’ve been given.

Most advice tells you to wait for motivation.
To visualise the outcome.
To believe before you move.

But what if none of that comes first?

In this episode, I break down the actual sequence that creates change, the one I’ve been using my entire life without realising it:

Feeling → Decision → Action → Build → Belief

Not theory. Not fluff.
A method that explains why you’ve felt stuck, and exactly how to move.

We also go deeper into:

• Why cycles repeat (even when you’re self-aware)
• Why “just try harder” makes things worse
• What’s really happening when your brain stops instead of moves
• How relationships get stuck in the same loop
• And the one shift that changes everything

If you’ve ever felt like you’re doing everything right… and still not getting anywhere, this is the missing piece.

If this episode landed for you ... don’t sit with it and overthink it.

Tell me where you’re stuck.

Send me a voice note through Dear Ilja.
Just talk. No structure. No pressure. That’s your first step.

And if you already know you’re ready to go deeper -
my 1:1 sessions are open.

You don’t need to wait until you feel ready.
You just need to move.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Do you keep dating the same person? They just look different every time. Maybe you're in a relationship that isn't moving. Forward or out. Maybe it's not even about dating right now. Maybe you're just stuck. You keep on returning to the same point no matter what you try, no matter how hard you work on yourself, and no matter how many books you read or podcasts that you listen to, you're just stuck. Whatever brought you here today, it's great having you here. And I want to welcome you to Dating on High Alert. I'm your host, Ilya Abbatista. I'm not a therapist, I'm just somebody like you trying to figure it out. Love, dating, relationships, and life in general when you have ADHD, autism, and carry complex trauma. Living on high alert. All of them, even. And even though they make perfect sense, and you can even see the logic, they just don't sink in. Or you can't visualize what's being asked of you. Or you try to apply it and something just doesn't connect. And you find yourself asking, why doesn't this work for me? What am I doing wrong? And just as you are about to blame yourself again, well, I want to stop you right there because it's not you. It's that somebody else's version of the answer doesn't work for the way that your brain does. So you give up, or you put up with that feeling of it. Um you know, that feeling of it just not being right or it just not feeling right. And I've done exactly that. The places where I thought I had deep internal blocks were actually far more exact accessible than I ever realized. I just hadn't figured it out yet. I'd never heard anybody explain it in a way that truly resonated with me. But what if the answer is already inside of you? What if you already practice it every single day? You just haven't been able to link it to what you're truly looking for? Because once you recognize it, and it's not even that hard, but it can change everything. Let me ask you something. How many times have you been here before? And I'm not just talking about today, not just about this relationship, and not just about this person, but how many times have you arrived at exactly this point where something isn't working, where you can feel that something needs to change, and then nothing does, because that's what a vicious cycle actually feels like from the inside, and it's not obvious and it doesn't announce itself, and it's just quietly returns you to the same place again and again, wearing slightly different clothes each time, so you don't actually recognize it until you're already there. You meet somebody new and it feels different this time, and for a while it's different, and then slowly, you know, so slowly that you almost miss it, the same pattern starts to emerge, the same dynamics, the same feelings, the same point where things stop moving forward. Or you're in a relationship and you keep arriving at the same argument, the same distance, the same crossroads. Where you know something needs to change, but you don't know what or how, or whether changing it means losing everything, or it's not even about a relationship at all. It's about you, about the version of yourself that you keep trying to become, and somehow you can't quite reach it, about the thing that you keep almost doing and then not doing, about the point that you keep returning to where everything stalls, and that is that cycle. And here's what I want you to understand about it there's absolutely no evidence whatsoever that you're broken and that you've missed your chance, or that this is just how it is for you. It's a pattern, and those patterns have a source. And once you find that source, you get to change it. But first, you have to stop blaming yourself for being in it, because self-blame is one of the most expensive things that you can do with your energy right now, and you're going to need that energy for what comes next. And I do want to talk about the cost uh for a moment because being stuck can actually be really expensive. And I don't necessarily mean financially, although, yeah, that's that could cost you a lot too. I mean the cost of staying where you are, of not moving forward. It means staying in that place that no longer serves you, where it might even be making you unhappy, where you might be waiting to see what it looks like when you visualize a different life. But because you can't see it clearly enough, nothing happens, nothing changes. Because it's not doing anything for you. But listen to this. You might be feeling that this is what you deserve, that this is just how it is for you, as opposed to being able to make that change and getting what you really need, and more importantly, what you truly deserve. Even if right now it feels, you know, slightly uncomfortable, even if you don't know what's going to happen, and even if it's unknown, that's the cost, and it's far too expensive to keep paying it. Because the difference between feeling a little uncomfortable and getting what you really want and deserve is it's really non-comparable. One is temporary discomfort, and the other could be the rest of your life. And time doesn't stand still for anybody, and every year we get that little bit older, and in our minds, it can just feel like it gets a little bit harder. And so I'd like to ask you something honestly. How much longer are you prepared to pay that cost? Are you waiting for that motivation to kick in? You know, the one thing that everybody talks about, that feeling that's supposed to arrive and you carry it forward or it carries you forward. And it's just not there. Now you could just be missing one step, a step that hasn't really been talked about, because it works differently for you. And that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It simply means that your aha moment hasn't been tapped into yet. And it's there. We all have it. But because we're all different, the methods already out there aren't the answer for everybody. I mean, they certainly weren't the answer for me. And I've spent thousands and thousands of pounds getting to that point, and none of it resonated. I mean, it all made perfect sense. I could understand exactly why it worked for other people, but what I couldn't understand was why it didn't work for me. What was I doing wrong? And maybe you've asked yourself that very same question, maybe more times than you'd like to count. But here's what I'd really like you to understand because motivation is not the starting point. Visualization is not the starting point, and neither is the belief the starting point. Now, for a lot of people, and I mean a lot more than anybody talks about, those things don't come first. They come later, much later. And if you've been waiting for them to arrive before you move, well, that's why nothing changed. Because there's nothing broken about you. There never was, nor were you doing it wrong, but because you've been given the wrong starting point. And here's something that I didn't know until recently. The science backs this up too. And there's a well-established principle in psychology that says motivation follows action, not the other way around. You don't wait to feel motivated to move. You move, motivation comes later. And I didn't learn that from a book. I already lived it for decades without even knowing that's what I was doing. And once I saw it, once I actually understood why it had always worked that way for me, everything changed. Because here's the thing: I already knew how to escape from something that could cost me my life. I had done it. I already knew how to build businesses and make them successful. Again, I'd already been doing it. I already knew how to walk away from relationships that were right for me, even when I still love deeply. Yet something was missing. And I'm not kidding when I say I've been looking for it for decades. The missing piece is here, and it's been here all along, and it's so simple, and yet finding it has been so hard. Now, I've spent years learning about myself, thinking there was still something wrong with me, because other people with neurodivergence were achieving the very things that I was so desperate to find. People who had already been through so much had already been finding it to just not me. And then I realized something. Because subconsciously I was already doing it, moving without motivation, acting without visualization, building without the belief. Now the belief always comes later. But there was another feeling that was always the key, and it starts with desire, with what most people call the why. I just didn't recognise it as that. And once I did, once I looked back at every single time that I had moved forward in my life, every time that I'd built something, escaped something, changed something, I saw the same pattern. Every single time. One step. Doesn't have to be big, it just has to be real. Because that one step is what everything else is built on. And then comes the build. Through action, you learn, you adapt, you create the opportunities that you couldn't have seen from where you were standing before you moved. And things start to come together. Not always quickly, but they build and you build with them. And then, last, always last, comes the belief. Not because somebody told you that you could, not because you visualized it first, and not because you felt motivated or ready or certain, but because you're doing it, you're seeing it, you're becoming it, feeling, decision, action, build, belief. That's the sequence. And I want you to think right now about a time in your life where something changed, something real, something that really mattered. And I'd be willing to bet that that sequence was there. You just didn't have a name for it. And I was working through all of this, making some kind of sense of the pattern, understanding the method I had been living without naming it, and I started writing because I realized that this needed to be said properly. Now the book is almost finished, and when it's ready, you'll be the first to know. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, that sounds simple enough, but what about when something stops you? What about when there are things in the way? Because that's real and it happens to all of us. Sometimes the path to where you want to be requires navigating a whole stack of smaller things, and each one of those things carries its own weight, its own emotional charge, its own friction. And it's not because you don't want the outcome, but because the cost of the next step feels too high for what you can access right now, and then somebody tells you you just do it. Sets you a reminder, puts a little pressure on, and makes it worse, actually, not better. Because pressure without the right conditions just creates resistance, and in relationships, this is where so much of the damage happens. The partner who keeps pushing, who thinks that if they just find the right words, the right moment, the right approach, something will shift. And instead, the person they love retreats further, goes quieter, gets more stuck. And it's it's not because they don't want to move, but because the stack of the variables in a way is just too high to climb alone. And what actually helps is finding the single thing that you can do next, not the whole process. Not the first step of the whole process, the first step of the first step. And sometimes you change the conditions rather than trying to change yourself because the block might not be such a block after all. It's just the next thing to move through. And knowing how to identify what's actually in the way and how to move it, that's where everything changes. And I want to tell you something personal now. Because everything that I have just shared with you, I didn't learn it from a book. I lived it. Sometimes painfully, sometimes for far longer than I needed to. So I was with somebody for 18 years, and for all of that time, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I always knew I wasn't in love. Not in the way that people talk about, not with that warmth, not with that feeling that I kept hearing about and quietly wondering if I was somehow missing the part of me that you know, and I I could just feel it. But the relationship was safe, and for somebody like me, with everything that I had already been through, safe was everything, so I stayed and I healed slowly over the years, and as I started to heal, something inside of me shifted, and I started to want more than safe. I started to feel like I was missing something, that that I needed something, and that there was this experience, this thing that everybody talked about with such warmth that I had never truly had, and I started to feel like I deserved it. And that was a real turning point for me because for so long, for such a long time, I hadn't felt that. I hadn't felt like I deserved that full thing. But time was moving and I didn't want to get too old and never have experienced it, so I made that decision. And the unknown was terrifying. It's not something that I cope with easily, that uncertainty, the variables, all the things that I couldn't see or predict. And of course, change. But I had learned something important by then. Change and what you don't yet know doesn't kill you. It can actually become better than anything that you left behind. So falling in love became my thing to hold on to. It became my reason to make the leap, my reason to make that change. And then I found it, or at least I found what I thought I wanted, and I ignored everything else that mattered. Love came along and swept me off of my feet. It was strong, it was intense, and it was everything that I had been looking for. But it also came with red flags, plenty of them, and I ignored them because in my mind, this is what I wanted. It had been too hard to find, and I told myself that this was simply the price that I had to pay to get it. Ten years I stayed in that relationship. It had its challenges from the very beginning, but I wanted love, and I told myself that this was what I had. What I didn't account for was that I stayed in love with the person I had met, not the person that he became. And so I bent over backwards. I changed myself, I adapted, and I told myself that I was the problem, that I was the one with the baggage, so you know, with all that history, the complexity, so it has to be me that adjusted. And it was exhausting. I was already working long hours, then coming home with nothing much left to give, too worn out to see clearly what was happening right in front of me. And time kept moving forward until I couldn't ignore it anymore. This was too hard. Nothing about it was easy. And I started to feel like I was the only one that was trying to make it work, like I was the only one in the relationship. I was asking myself the wrong questions. And I kept asking, what is wrong with me? Why can't I make this work? Why are other people managing it and I'm not? And then I found out that I had ADHD, and then I found out. Had autism as well, and for a while I thought, oh well, that's that's the answer then, that this was simply what my future looked like, that I was the one that of you know that I was one of those people who just couldn't hold on to a relationship, that I was too much, and that it was too much to ask, but I see that completely differently now. I see that communication is everything, and I see that two people who don't need to agree on everything, and that you can actually have different likes, different needs, different ways of moving through the world. But what I do know now, more than anything, is that it has to work for both of you, not just one of you bending to fit the other. You need to know that you can be happy on your own or with somebody and that they don't need to be perfect. What you do need, what actually matters, is the same values, the same things that you both believe in at this at the very core. But to get there, you have to use the method. You have to be clear about what it is that you actually want, not what you're prepared to settle for, not what feels safe, not what you've convinced yourself is close enough, but what you actually want. Make the decision that you deserve it. Take the action, even when the unknown feels impossible, and give yourself the time and the space to ask yourself the right questions. Because, like me, if you don't, you can end up in that cycle of getting it wrong again and again with the same person wearing a different face. You know, that's okay too, because sometimes we don't have all of the answers yet. Sometimes we need to get it wrong to understand what right actually feels like, but being stuck is not the solution. Staying in the cycle is not the solution. You already have everything you need to move. You just need the method to show you how. Now I used to be embarrassed and ashamed that I had yet again failed at another marriage, that I couldn't seem to get it right, that I kept ending up back here. But I want to ask you something. Who are you feeling that embarrassment and shame for? Because I'm not married to anybody else but myself, really. I'm the only one that I need to be accountable to. I'm the only one who I owe that happiness to, and I truly deserve to reach everything that I desire in my life, and so do you. This doesn't belong to anybody else. Nobody else gets to decide this for you. Only you. And only you can make that change. Now, I might get it wrong again, but it'll be better because I'm asking the right questions now, and if I get it wrong, well, I'll just know what I need to do. I'll feel it, I'll make a decision, and I'll take action. But what I won't do is stay stuck in something that isn't good for me, and neither should you. And you can get to this point in the episode right now, and you can close it. Go back to your day, back to the same places where you get stuck. You can go back to waiting for that motivation that just doesn't come. Back to trying things that make perfect sense but just don't work for the way that you are. And that's completely your choice. But here's what I do know. You've spent enough time long enough there already, months, maybe years, maybe even decades. And something in this episode, something here has landed, something felt different. Not because I'm telling you something new, but because part of you knows it already. You just hadn't heard it in a heard it say in a way that finally made sense. And that feeling you have right now, that is the very first step. And you don't have to wait until it gets louder and don't wait until you feel ready because ready doesn't come before the action, it comes after. And here's what I want you to do. I want you to tell me where you're stuck. Send me a voice note through dear Ilya. Just talk to me. Tell me where you're at. Tell me what you've tried. Tell me what hasn't worked. That's it, that's enough. That's your first step. And if you already know that you want to go deeper, if you if you're already done waiting, if you want to work through this with me directly, my one-to-one sessions are open. The link is in the show notes. And if that feeling of desire is there now, then you are ready. Book that call with me and let's make it happen together.