Healing After Divorce: What I Learned Along the Way

This season on Second Act Sessions, we’re talking a lot about divorce, healing after divorce, relationships, emotional abuse, red flags, faith, and what it really means to begin again.

And after having those conversations with guests, I felt like it was important to dedicate an episode to sharing a little more about my own experience.

In this solo episode, I’m reflecting on my divorce journey and opening up about what that season of life really felt like for me. Not to revisit the past or point fingers, but to share honestly about the emotions, questions, grief, healing, and growth that came with starting over in midlife.

I talk about the pressure of building the life you thought you were supposed to have, feeling lonely even when life looks fine on the outside, navigating identity shifts, and learning that healing doesn’t happen overnight.

Most importantly, this episode is about hope. Because sometimes the ending we never wanted becomes the beginning we never expected.

If you’re walking through divorce, heartbreak, transition, or simply finding yourself in a season that looks different than you imagined, I hope this conversation reminds you that your story isn’t over.

Your Second Act is still being written.

If this episode resonated with you, be sure to follow and subscribe to Second Act Sessions wherever you listen to podcasts, and join us for our inspiring new season of honest conversations and meaningful second acts.

Transcript

Stephanie Carmody (00:00)
Welcome back everyone. So if you had told me ten years ago that I'd be divorced at fifty, sitting alone in my house recording a podcast episode talking all about healing from divorce, I would have thought you were crazy. I never would have believed you. Divorce was never part of my plan. I certainly didn't grow up thinking, maybe one day I'll have to start over in midlife. I believed marriage was forever. And honestly, as a Christian, I never saw divorce even as an option. And that's something I want to, I guess, get into today. So being a Christian, even though I wasn't like

the closest to Jesus during my marriage and even afterwards, I really didn't understand that there was any other alternative for me. My ex and I had done years of therapy. but I just kind of felt that I needed to stay with the d the marriage, make it work, do everything I could to make him happy and just not be divorced. Cause as I said, as a Christian, I just

Really was against it. I didn't believe in it. I thought it was, you know, I think it's awful that people get divorced in general. And I really do think that people should try to work on it and try to solve the marriage as best as possible. However, unless there is some sort of emotional abuse, some cheating. And and even in the Bible, it does say this is something that I had to learn that helped me sort of not feel so bad about being divorced.

Is that in the Bible it does say that if you happen to have one person's unbeliever and they leave the believer, then that's okay. But I even did speak with my pastor because I was really concerned, like, my God, this is horrible. I can't believe I'm divorced. But he was even like, No, Stephanie, like, God understands, like I had endured so much emotional abuse and just was a very toxic marriage for gosh, over 13 and a half years.

That I do and I have made peace with the fact that I think God's okay with me being divorced. but not to say that I didn't do the work. we were in therapy. I was in therapy, even if he didn't want to go. So I did everything I could to will this marriage to life, so to speak. And and in the process, unfortunately, all I really did was more destruction to myself by like shoving it down, sucking it up, keeping quiet, picking my my battles, so to speak, to the point where it was just.

I was a shell of a person by the end of my marriage and I I think I felt it and sensed it, but I think the people around me saw it. and that's just really sad and and pitiful. I was really just a shell of my former self, you know, Miss New Yorker in the city. I've lived in LA, New York, Boston. I was a mover and a shaker in my PR days. And then when I got married, I feel like I slowly lost my identity. I lost my personality. It just became all about my husband.

making him happy and pleasing him and adjusting to his moods and walking on eggshells. And the unfortunate thing is while I was in the marriage, yes, I knew it was unhealthy, but I also didn't know who I was married to. I didn't realize until after my marriage ended that I was married to a narcissist. And not clinically diagnosed or anything like that, but when you hear my stories and understand what I went through

I definitely was married to a narcissist. And I learned that very clear last year. I had an amazing divorce expert on my podcast, and it was almost like shocking that she had been married for 30 years or 30 plus years, and I was only together with you know with mine for 15 and a half total. But it was the exact same story. They were the exact same person, different age, different name, different states.

Literally the characteristics were so similar. Like the hair on my arm stood up because I was like, it was so validating for me. Because at some point too, you you're so low, you almost think, What's wrong with me? What am I doing? Why why is this marriage not working? What's wrong with me? What am I contributing to the demise of this marriage? But obviously it takes two to tango, but for this marriage in particular, it was the abuse. And this is a different level of abuse. It's manipulation, it's control, it's the gaslighting, it's

Honestly, the lowest lows that you can possibly feel being with someone. And something I always say about my marriage, even though I was married, I was the loneliest married person you had ever met. And that that is horrible. Like no marriage should be that way. And so that just gives you a little bit of sort of what I was dealing with in the marriage. And the reason that thankfully I see now is that God is the only one that I

could have rescued me from that marriage because I was such a shell of a person. My spirit was broken that I wasn't strong enough to leave. I was so fearful of being alone because I was so codependent upon him. I was so fearful of financial implications. Like I was solely dependent upon him, which I'd never advised anyone to ever do and I will never do again. But you know, I also trusted my husband that he loved me and he was gonna provide no matter what. And I, you know, I was grappling with

changes in my career and starting my own event planning business. So it wasn't like I wasn't working, but the sole financial responsibility fell on my husband. And that was a huge fear of mine. Like what am I gonna do without him? How could I ever walk away? How am I gonna afford life? Where am I gonna live? Like so many things that were just crippling me, which in a way made me even more stuck and trapped in this marriage. And a friend of mine back in the day kept saying, You're like a caged lion up here. And I like truly felt that way. It was such a great description.

You know, I don't believe this anymore, but back in the day when I was into astrology, like I'm a Leo, I'm a classic Leo, by the way. And I am a lion in a lot of ways too. And like when they this person said that, it really just clicked. I was like, yeah, that's me, stuck up here in suburbia, married to someone who I don't even recognize anymore, and now I'm stuck. So yeah, that that is certainly something that all of that fear was wrapped up in so many levels of how impossibly could I ever walk away? But thankfully

The day I got down on my hands and knees, which I've said repeatedly and multiple times on this podcast, is when God delivered me from evil. I said, I can't do this anymore. I need you to intervene. I need you to help. I said, please either heal this marriage or remove it. I said, I can't take this anymore. Sobbing on my hands and knees at the foot of my bed. Like I said, two weeks later, my ex came to me and said, I want a divorce. Because I think God knew I wasn't strong enough. And

He had to do it for me. And I was just listening to a worship song that said he did it for me. And so I'm so incredibly blessed that he did truly deliver me from this divorce. And he did it in such a loving, gentle way, in the sense that everything I was fearing, he provided. So I didn't have to move out of my home. I got the house. I got all the financial sort of, you know, investments and things like that. I got the dog. I got the furniture.

And luckily my ex and I went through mediation. And so it wasn't awful. We weren't nasty with each other. It was almost as if my ex just wanted no part of us at all and just wanted to be done. Didn't want any of the furniture. Didn't want anything that I felt would have reminded him of me in our marriage, which I guess I can understand in hindsight. But at the time it just felt like, God, you must really hate me that you want nothing.

from this marriage or from this house even. And some things were even his from his family. He just wanted none of it. It was just so odd. But ultimately, like I said, God provided, he provided me with alimony. So he took care of like a lot of the fear. and obviously one of the biggest fears was fear of being alone. What what the heck? I'm mid fifty now, but at the time I was like 46, 47 and I'm like, I'm single now? Like I did not plan for any of this. Like I

Never thought I'd have to be single and then venture into the dating world. I mean, I hadn't dated since I was like 30 years old. So this is all foreign to me. But thankfully, that is not something that is really important to me. My journey has really been healing from the death of the marriage as well as the death of the life I thought I would have. And just so many things that were all wrapped up in this marriage that I had to really heal from. primarily it was the first year I was in shock.

That was that was I just kind of going through the motions. I had a great time, don't get me wrong. It's like, yay, I'm free. But like I wasn't really dealing with what this really meant. I wasn't doing any healing work. I was just sort of like surviving and and just okay, like just breathing. But I think everything happens for a reason. You know, healing's not linear, it takes time, it's not fluid. One day you feel better than others, and the next day you're back crying in your bed. So I feel like the the past few years have been really eye-opening for me and

getting back to who I am and who I'm meant to be outside of this marriage. and that's something that God has really been able to to show me because I didn't want to go back to my PR days, although I still do freelance PR. I just knew there was something more for me. I didn't quite know what that was. So as I'm going through the divorce and the healing, like I said, God really just kind of held me. And every step of the way I see every year the healing just

evolved and even though I was distracted with new age spirituality for a while, like God never left me. And I finally found my way back to Him. And what I'm so blessed in is that it it shows me how God always provides. Even in your lowest moments and going through a divorce and healing from emotional abuse, for me, like it's just been so rewarding in a lot of ways because I'm just stronger now. And I feel like even when you go through those dark days

It does make you stronger. And I feel like God's been sharpening me and strengthening me. And to the point where I'm like, how much more can I take? There's things still going wrong that I'm like, my God, I feel like I'm in a perpetual season of Job in the Bible. But I know that it's always for my very best interest. And God works everything for good. And I think right now, as I'm sharing my story more openly on my podcast, that is all from God. And He's allowed me to feel

more confident because I feel like what happens with a narcissist and any emotional abuse, in my opinion, is that they strip you down. So you you just don't feel like yourself anymore. You have no self-confidence. You're scared to say anything. You're scared to even like have your own feelings and beliefs and thoughts. And even though I'm very independent, secure person, that marriage just changed me entirely for the worst, of course. And so it took me a while to just get back to me and

I never thought that that would be my journey in midlife. Like I didn't sign up for any of this. Like I followed the script. Go to college, get a job, find the guy, get married, buy a house, have the kids. And I laughed because I got married and got the house, but I didn't get the children. I didn't have a loving marriage at all or partner. I was very much on my own in this marriage. Like I said, I was very alone in my marriage. I s did everything by myself or with my family.

He was always too busy working, never had time for me. And the only thing I ever wanted from him were free, was free, was time and attention. Could never give that to me. So that's classic narcissist. I won't go into like narcissists in general, and I'm not gonna bash my ex. It's more just wanted to share how low I became. At some point, I stopped feeling like a wife and instead started feeling like a hostage to my own unhappiness. It it was just never ending. I was so miserable. I

Come home from my sisters and we'd be at an event, and you would never even know we were married. He would never talk to me, he would never engage with me. I remember coming home one time to let our dog out or feed my dog, and I just lost it. I went outside and like broke down on the backyard and just was crying. Like I was weeping and sobbing for how unhappy I was. And I kept thinking, is this how it's gonna be? Is this how my life was always going to be? I'm going to be this sad and miserable. Like, this isn't living. God wouldn't want this for me.

But like the good Christian, I'm like, but I can't be divorced. And so I feel like that in a lot of ways prevented me from pulling the trigger myself. I mean, so many times I wanted to, and I met with a divorce lawyer, and I it was like, I can't do this anymore. But I just don't think I was strong enough. And that is as a result of the abuse. being worn down and just not having that trust in myself. so I stayed. And I'm so thankful that.

My ex is the one who pulled the trigger. Ultimately God did, but I'm glad that he did, because I don't know if I would have ever left, which is actually the scariest thing. Because towards the end of my marriage, my mother said to me one day, she's like, Stephanie, I think he's making you crazy. And he was. Like I was just crazy. I was like lashing out at my mom and my sister. I was so miserable that like I would just let loose on people. I was just rage and anger like just came poured out of me from nowhere, seemingly it seemed.

But but it wasn't. It was because I was so miserable. And this has been going on, like I said, for 15 and a half years. So I was just so trapped. So yeah, that was my journey in the marriage. And thankfully, like I said, God delivered me and put me on this whole new trajectory in this midlife of mine, as I'm calling my second act. And I just want to share a little bit more about that and what what that looked like for me.

So, like I said, I I really don't believe God would want me to stay in in very unloving and emotionally abusive marriage. And so that's where I found that peace. And also biblically, I feel like I'm covered as well. but I feel like emotional abuse is real. And where you may not see any like bruises or scars, the scars are left. Like they're still there. I have a lot of scars still in me and with me that I'm sure I'll carry around forever. But I'm choosing instead not to stay in that place and I'm choosing instead to

share my journey to help others. So s anyone else is walking through something similar or and they might feel really alone because I know I felt so alone. You know, I mean even after I was divorced, what I think was an ironic thing is that there's so much stigma around it. Like even my parents like, well let's not tell anyone. Like they were embarrassed. And I understand because that generation, the baby boomers is so different. Like they don't talk about anything. They don't air their dirty laundry. They hold it all in. No one discusses it.

And I think us Gen Xers are like flailing, like, what the heck are we supposed to do? Like, we also know we're not supposed to disclose things and talk too much, but our generation is is a lot different and I think frustrated with the baby boomers for never sharing anything with us. And so I think a lot of times us Gen Xers feel like we're just navigating life on our own. There's no one coming here to save us. We just gotta figure it out. Like we've been figuring it out from day one, and that's certainly what I'm doing now. But thank God I have God with me this time to make it a little bit more bearable.

And you know, you can r you can survive emotional abuse outwardly while internally disappearing. And I feel like that's what happened to me. Like when I say I was a shell of a person, like I went out with a girlfriend, and this is shortly after my divorce. And I almost felt so foreign in my own body. Like I didn't even know how to behave or act or be myself anymore. And it was jarring because I'm like, is this really what happens? Like

I can't believe this happened to me. I I'm such a strong person. I never thought that I would end up this sort of in a way like a victim. And it's awful. I never ever want to be a f poor, weak victim. Like that's not me, but it really destroyed so much of my confidence, my personality. just being able to talk to people and in groups and and not feel insecure. I mean, when you have someone constantly criticizing how you look, how your makeup looks, your weight, your this, you're that. I mean

You you don't even know where to begin. Like everything is just such a judgment and critique that you just don't want to say anything anymore or you just want to kind of hide in a corner. And I think that's what happened to me. I know that's what happened to me. And so that has taken a while to heal heal from. And I I will say a lot of it is just time. Time really does heal all wounds. In my case, every year I just see I'm getting stronger and stronger and more confident and more vocal and more

comfortable in my own skin again, which maybe I never was comfortable comfortable in my skin. I feel like I just went through the motions and followed the script and, you know, just had a rough childhood from girlfriends bullying me and then I married a bully and here we are today. And you know, I think people will look at me or others and say, well why didn't you leave? And I feel like that's such a hard question to answer unless you've walked through that level of abuse. And I feel like only people that have been through narcissistic abuse

really understand the gravity of it and what it entails. So when I was speaking to people like one of my guests last year, it it just felt like we had a camaraderie and we had so much in common because she really understood what I went through. And it doesn't make us weak. They're just very manipulative and smart and controlling and they know how to break us down. And it doesn't happen overnight. It happens over months and years. That's the nuance of it. And so when people are like, well why didn't you just leave?

It's not that easy because they break you down so much and you've been broken down for so many years that it doesn't, it's just not that simple. It feels terrifying. It feels like my life is going to end if I leave this person. And you don't even want to get into their wrath because I was always worried about like setting him off and having him go nuts on me and screaming. And so I just kind of like, let's not poke the bear, right? But then you have like this realization ultimately.

Is I didn't stay because I was weak. I stayed because I was wounded. I was so wounded, so almost like beat up in like an emotional standpoint, an emotional way. Not physically beat up, but in a lot of ways, I was so sick all the time because I think my body was so miserable too. And it was, it's all connected. Mind, body, spirit. So when it's all off, your whole body will feel. And I was so sick for so many years with stomach issues and anxiety and

It just got worse and worse until the point where I think my body was physically breaking down from the abuse. And even my body was telling me, like screaming at me actually, like, stop this. You need to get out of this. But my brain wouldn't let me. So thankfully, like I said, I finally, finally overcame it. But I think for a lot of women, myself included, like this is part of like a bigger problem. So if you're bullied most of your life like I was.

And then you marry a bully, unbeknownst to you at the time, it's really because that drama and that chaos is so familiar. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it something that you should strive for. But because it's so familiar and it's kind of what you're used to, you'll just gravitate it towards it again and again. And not even realizing that very unhealthy pattern. And that was certainly my case. even though, like, we were in therapy even before we got married.

I saw the writing on the wall, but I didn't pay attention to the red flags. I didn't pay attention to the things that really upset me or hurt me. I just sort of swept it under the rug and tried to believe the best in him, which I think so many women do as well. We think we can change them or we see a glimpse of the good in them and then we think, they're always gonna be that way. And you may start making excuses for their bad behavior. it was just this one time, or he was just in a bad mood, or

That's just because someone else was sick and he's, you know, reeling from that. He's just kind of taking it out on you, but that's okay. Like you will justify everything and anything when you're in such a toxic relationship that you'll you'll make sense out of it. Even when there's no way in hell it makes sense at all. In hindsight, I'd see now, like I just wasn't strong enough. Like I said, I was wounded. I was so weak, so dependent upon him. I was just not in a place to make sound judgments and decisions for myself.

And so I will say I know a lot of women go through really tumultuous divorces, a good friend of mine included. And I'm I feel so bad for them. And that's when I actually do feel really blessed. And I think this was all God again. That, like I said, my ex and I went through mediation and it really was a very quick and painless process. we were separated for a while and it was like months, and I finally came to a point in the summer of 2022. I said, I can't do this anymore. Like, what are we doing? You don't want to be here. You moved out.

You keep coming back to see the dog. We're not together. We're not getting back together. We need to be divorced. And he almost fought me on it. He's like, but we don't have to rush. Why? And I'm like, why would you not want to be divorced? Obviously, in hindsight, probably was more financial on his part, didn't want to have to pay me anything. But I said, No, we have to do this. And so we went through mediation, and I kid you not, we were divorced, signed, sealed, delivered in two months. It was the quickest painless thing. I mean, obviously not painless in the sense that I was crying to and from the divorce.

attorney's office, and scared out of my mind. I was like losing a ton of weight because I think I was in just so much shock and I had to unravel all the stress that I was dealing with and the hurt and the anger. I was just a mess. But I'm so thankful though that it did work out that way for me. And like I said, I think that's how one of the ways God showed his love for me by having my ex say he wanted a divorce and then carrying me through the divorce and having it go so smoothly and

Like he was very gentle with me, I would say. God, not my ex. he was just very caring and gentle. And like sometimes I feel like when you're in certain things, you can't see God in motion. It's only in hindsight when you look back and you're like, wow, all my prayers were answered. I'm living in one of those prayers now, right? Like I'm so blessed now and so grateful in hindsight how all of that went down. And I'm like I said, I'm just so incredibly thankful for that.

And I think going through the mediation process was one of the first times I started sort of advocating for myself. Like I was trying to be very smart and strategic about it. And ironically, when I was still, this was when I was in new age spirituality, I actually was working with a psychic slash medium. And she actually gave me really good advice. She's like, listen, I'm gonna tell you one thing. You're much smarter than him. Do not let him fool you. You are smarter. Use your brains. Be strategic. Play the game. You know, write down everything that you want.

Don't make any concessions. Ask for what you want and fight for it in obviously in a very diplomatic way. And that advice really was great. Maybe it was God helping me through her, which who knows. But it was a great opportunity for me to finally start reclaiming my life and saying, no, this is what I want for alimony. This is what I want from retirement, assets, the house, the dog, everything else. And I cannot get over how seamless that whole process was and how quick it was. So

I'm truly blessed for that and for her guidance and, you know, boosting my confidence a little bit enough to be like, okay, maybe I am smart enough. Maybe I will be okay during this process. And I was. And that was such a huge blessing for me. And so one thing I realized during the divorce process was that divorce is a death that nobody brings casseroles for. It's something so weird that almost like people feel like if they get too close to you, they're gonna end up divorced. So I feel like people either

stay far away and you don't hear from them who you thought were your friends, or you have the people that step up and show you who your real friends are. And that was really eye-opening for me. Like I had a lot of people who I thought would be there for me, who I had been for there for them multiple times that just weren't. And I'm not mad at them. I don't blame them. It's just it was very insightful and eye opening to see who I could rely on and who I couldn't. And that was that was great because then I realized who my true friends were and who weren't. And

I think with anything in life when you're going through something big like that, whether it's loss of a job or the death of someone or, you know, a divorce, you really do find out really quickly who your your real friends are. and not to say I had a ton, but I had some true ride or die friends that I'm internally grateful for. I have a saying that I heard years ago when they say, People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And I really do think, even like there was one friend who came into my life right during that divorce.

And she was with me for maybe like that whole year and then then she was gone. God ripped her out of my life. But I realized now that like that was so important to me. I that I had that friendship at that time. but since then God has brought other friends into my life that I'm so incredibly blessed for blessed by. And the ironic thing is that he has like four out of my really close friends right now are all divorced like me and in the same boat. So it's really nice. I take comfort in that. So on the moments when I

feel qu feel alone or I'm sad that I'm like never gonna find my person and how am I doing all this on my own? I I just take comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Like look, I have so many close friends that are doing the same thing and they're fine and we're in this together. So that makes me feel less alone. So that has been a blessing. Again, like I say, God just continues to bless me. And I think if all of us took a few moments each day to sit and reflect and see how grateful for you are for what you do have.

I always think that's such a mind shift. So now I'm always focused on being grateful on what I do have instead of focus being focused on what I don't have. Because if I focus on what I don't have, man, that can spiral me out and I could just go down a whole dark hole. And that's not healthy for me at all. So instead, I choose to focus on the positive throughout this whole journey. healing from the divorce, healing from the abuse, creating a whole new life for myself.

And it's scary. Don't get me wrong. Like I'm scared almost every day. Like, what am I doing? How do I do this? This is a whole new chapter for me. It's not like, I had a career and nothing changed. Like I'm going from really no career full time to starting a whole new career doing this podcasting and kind of being like a influencerslash content creator, which I don't even know if that's what I want to be. But regardless, I'm doing it and I'm sharing my story. in the hopes that I can just

Help others and share my lessons, my truths, my wisdom, my learnings, like anything that I can impart to you all, I'm happy to do so. but I think for me, this whole journey has really changed me for the better. And I know that's crazy to say, but it really has. So I'm thankful for all of it. I have no regrets. I'm thankful for what I walk through. I'm thankful for everything that's made me stronger. I'm thankful for the friendships I have.

I'm even thankful that right now I don't, I'm not dating anyone. I'm not actively dating. I'm not looking to date. I mean, if someone wants to set me up, I'm open to it. But I'm really relying on God to bring me my person. And through that season of being like alone, even though I'm not lonely, there's a difference, right? So here I was married, loneliest married person you had ever met, to now being alone but not lonely. That is a blessing. Like I'm so happy about that. And

I think historically that's really important to me because I was never the girl who could be alone. I always had a boyfriend. And I went, as I said before, I went from boyfriend to boyfriend. Because I had friends that were just so mean and cruel. So I didn't have a lot of girlfriends to hang out with, but the boyfriends always gave me attention. So I like love that. Who wouldn't, right? But for me now, learning to be alone at 50, better late than never, it's just so amazing. And I feel even stronger as a result of that. And

That's something I impart in my nieces. Like, you don't need a man to complete you. Like, be confident and be healthy and whole in yourself first before you get involved with someone, especially before you get married. Because I wish I had that. I wish I had time for myself just to get to know myself, just to understand what I like, what I don't like, what concessions I'm not willing to make. What are my non-negotiables? What are my red flags? Like, I didn't have any of that. I didn't no one talked about that. No one talked about red flags when I was dating and when I was getting married.

Therapy wasn't really discussed. We didn't have podcasts back then. We didn't have all these experts sharing such sound sage advice that I've seen on Instagram. And I've done a lot of my healing through a lot of therapists and experts online. Like just getting great inspirational quotes or Bible verses have all been so helpful and instrumental in my healing. And so, yeah, menopause brain. I forget what I was saying. I don't know. I just feel like I have no regrets. That's the ultimately what I'm saying. Like

Through everything, God can work all things for good for those who believe in him. And I do. And I have so much joy and peace now. That's why I don't go out of my house much, and probably why I don't date, because I'm so peaceful in this house. And I gotta share why that is. So my ex works from home. So he was always home. Like, don't get me wrong, he traveled a lot, which was great. And when he traveled, I would literally do like a happy dance. I call my dad and be like, just drop them off at the airport, party.

Cause it was just so bad and toxic. Like when he left for a week, it was just a nice relief for me. But in general, when he was here, I felt like I wasn't comfortable in my own home. I didn't love my home. I didn't enjoy my home. The environment was so toxic all the time. I was like walking on eggshells, cooking him breakfast, making him dinner, dropping off his dry cleaning, picking him up dinner. It was like always like I had to like cater to him and serve to him, serve him, and it was just exhausting.

So now I find it so ironic that for many years, like 23, 20, 2022, 2023, 2024, I didn't do much. Like I went on a couple trips here and there, but like I didn't go out. I was just home by myself and enjoying this newfound freedom and peace in my home. And so now I love my home. I redid my kitchen. I took back rooms. I part of my healing was reclaiming my home and like getting out bad energy and enjoying my gardens again. And

That again has been a blessing. So I'm praying I'll be in this home forever, but who knows what God has planned for me. But I feel like even those little things that you can do for yourself, like reclaiming a room or redecorating something, I redid my kitchen, I redid my office, like that for me was so instrumental in my healing as well. Because it was almost like I was reclaiming my life and my home and my independence and even my financial well-being. Like I paid for it myself. I budgeted. I

was able to make decisions on my own and not having to get his approval. He said no to everything. Like if I wanted to do something for the house, it was a battle. Don't get me wrong, he did do amazing things. We went on amazing trips and I'm not saying he's a horrible person, but like it was just always a battle for everything. And so all of this has been just such a great learning experience and a journey and really ultimately very healing. So wrapping up, I wanted to share some key lessons or takeaways that I wanted to share that might help you and hopefully prevent you from

doing the same things and making the same mistakes I did. So I feel like one of the first things are red flags matter. I mentioned earlier, no one talked about them. A red flag is a red flag. And I think a red flag is a red flag to you. May not be a red flag to someone else. So I think it's important to know and see the red flags and not minimize them, not just brush them under the rug, address them with the person or with yourself and even say, is this

Is this like a non-negotiable? Is this red flag like caution, stop, don't move forward? I feel like had I done that, I wouldn't have gotten married, but I didn't. So again, red flags matter. Pay attention to them. Second thing, never abandon yourself again for anyone. I did that. I abandoned myself, my self-worth, my even my my faith. Like I got so far away from God during my marriage because everything was about my ex. And instead of

Like putting all of my energy and effort into him, I should have been putting the energy and effort into myself, into my relationship with God. And I didn't. And as a result, I became so spiritually broken in a shell of a my former self, which is just so sad, really. Like I look back and it's almost as if I want to hug the six year old and ch inner child, right? And say, You're gonna be okay. And I'm so sorry this happened to you. But it's okay. God's gonna work work magic with it. Another

Key lesson is that financial independence matters. I think it it matters to a point. If you're not married to someone who is faith-based and knows Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, then I think you're dealing with a totally different beast. My ex was basically agnostic, which right there should have been a red flag. Clearly, I didn't listen to that one. Stupid. But I

really let him take the lead and he provided everything. I left my job. I uprooted everything. I left New York to move to Connecticut to our house. I lost my financial independence. I lost my professional identity. I lost so much in that marriage. But I didn't think I was losing. I thought I was gaining an amazing, loving, supportive husband and we're gonna have children. And like I thought in my head I was gonna have this idyllic life and that clearly didn't happen. So what I would say is just never lose your career or

lose your your financial independence in the sense that maybe just have like your own little bank account, right? Or maybe have your own little set of cash on the side, a little savings for yourself. Because I think while you are married and you should share the responsibility, and I do want a future husband who is going to provide and feel safe and secure with. But I think for the women who maybe aren't with someone who is biblically grounded, I think it's important just to make sure you're protecting yourself financially.

Something else I've also learned is that peace matters more than appearances. I think for so long I was just putting on the facade that our marriage was great, everything was fine. I didn't tell anyone really much what was going on because I didn't want people to hate my ex. I didn't want my family to hate him. I didn't want my friends to hate him. And quite frankly, I didn't want people to be like, What are you doing married to him? Like when I start listing some of the examples of like, for example, he got mad at me one day because I bought a pineapple doorstopper.

And now a pineapple historically means it's like a welcome, right? Like that's what it represents. And he screamed at me for buying this doorstopper. I can't believe you got that. And he's all upset because your mother has the same thing and like lashed out at me because I wanted a pineapple doorstopper. It doesn't matter if my mom has one or not. And who cares about that? But he lost his mind over that.

And that right there is how they start chipping away at you. And so for me, I wouldn't share that with anyone. I was almost embarrassed because, like, who would be married to this jerk who's treating me like crap? I stayed way too long, but I didn't want to ruffle feathers with him. I didn't was too scared to do anything. So I just kept smiling. Everything's fine. Everything's great. And we did have wonderful moments. They were just few and far between. So I instead would just swallow it all, suck it down.

Ignore everything, put on the smiley face and keep the peace. It's not worth it. Don't do it. Really. I'm telling you, don't do it. It got me. I I I just, no, don't do it. And lastly, I just want to reinforce that standards are not too much. I feel like that's something my ex was always telling me. you're too you're too high maintenance. You're you're too I don't know how to please you. I don't know how to make you happy. I I don't know. You're you're too difficult. I I literally was point blake, period, telling you what I needed. You just didn't want to do it.

You didn't want to listen to me. So like, no, I wasn't being difficult. I wasn't being high maintenance. I'm not hard to love. I was just with the wrong person who didn't know how to love, didn't love himself, let alone love me. I don't think he even knows that to this day. And so I I actually do pray for him. I don't want him back or anything like that, but I do pray that he finds peace in his life because I did not have peace for so long. And I'm so glad now that I do, but I will never go back to

Ever feeling like I'm too much or my standards don't matter. And I have non-negotiables now, and I'm just more confident in that. And maybe it comes with age. I'm 50 now. Like I have no time for BS anymore. I have no time for drama. I have no time for anyone that has any sort of quirks that I deem as red flags. I'm done. Like I'm not even giving anyone a second chance. It's not worth my time. And it's not from God. I want no part of it. I think also at 50, I'm not looking for perfection. I'm just looking for peace.

I'm looking for emotional safety and security. I'm looking for someone who has a relationship with God and I want someone that can chase Jesus with me. I want to chase Jesus together. That would be amazing. I think ultimately I'm looking for like a Christian unicorn. I mean, there's so many things that I want in a person that I don't know if he exists, but I'm hoping God can can bring him to me. So we'll see. But what I know now and the strength that I have now is that I'm so happy being alone. And if I never meet my person, I'm gonna be just fine because I'm never alone.

God is always with me. I have an amazing family. And now I can actually say, my God, tearing up.

That I have really good friends. And I've never had that before. And so that is more valuable to me now than anything. Like I could I say I could cry, but I am crying. But that has been such a blessing. and so look, out of everything, good can come out of it ultimately. And I'm just here to say that, listen, if everything that I've walked through, if I can get through it, you can too. And I'm here for you, you're not alone. So keep listening, keep tuning in. I'm gonna share more about.

everything I've walked through and that I'm even currently walking through because it doesn't end. It doesn't mean that everything's behind me. I'm every day still dealing with struggles, health issues, hair loss. I just had like some weird rash on my neck and my ears from the pool. I don't even know what that is. Maybe it's poison ivy, I have no idea. I'm just saying we're all gonna have a lot of trials and tribulations, but we can get through this together. So

So I just want to close by saying, if you're listening to this and you're in the middle of a divorce or dealing with the aftermath, just remember this. Your life is not over. You're not ruined. You're not too old. And you're not disqualified from finding love, peace, joy, and purpose. Sometimes the ending we never wanted becomes the beginning we desperately needed. And maybe, just maybe, this isn't the end of your story. Maybe this is the beginning of your second act. See you next time. God bless.