When Your Family Doesn’t Understand: Setting Boundaries Around Holidays, Special Events, and Expectations and Traditions

The holidays can magnify an old ache: being the “difficult” one in a family that doesn’t see your neurodivergence. We unpack the invisible wound of feeling mislabeled and misunderstood, then go deep into the family dynamics that keep you stuck like scapegoating, triangulation, and the subtle gaslighting of “It’s just one day.” You’ll learn why your needs are not too much, why your brain is not a problem to fix, and how to replace survival patterns with boundaries that actually protect your health.

I share a clear framework for boundaries as care instructions for your nervous system, not punishments. We get practical with journal prompts to clarify your limits, short scripts you can use word-for-word, and realistic consequences when pressure doesn’t stop. We walk through holiday scenarios, the “do it for mom” guilt loop, and how to hold steady using the broken record technique without overexplaining. Along the way, we name the grief of letting go of the family you wish you had and the relief of no longer performing for acceptance.

If your body spikes at phrases like “try harder” and “you’re too sensitive,” this conversation offers validation, tools, and a path forward. We talk regulation first, plus documentation when stories get rewritten, and building chosen family who respect your limits without negotiation. You deserve freedom from constant masking and relationships built on respect, not performance. 

About Me:

I’m Autumn Moran, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas specializing in trauma-informed care for neurodivergent women and trauma survivors.

Therapy (Texas residents only):

I provide individual therapy in my private practice for women working through trauma, late diagnosis processing, relationship challenges, and healing from narcissistic abuse or toxic family systems. My approach is neurodivergent-affirming and focuses on helping you understand your patterns while building practical tools for nervous system regulation and authentic living.

Life Coaching (available anywhere):

For women outside Texas or those wanting support alongside therapy, I offer:

•Somatic Healing Coaching: Bridges the gap between cognitive understanding and embodied healing through nervous system work, movement practices, and practical integration tools. Perfect as a complement to talk therapy or for those ready to work directly with their body’s wisdom.

•Unmasking Journey Coaching: Specialized support for late-diagnosed neurodivergent women learning to reconnect with their authentic selves after decades of masking. We work on identifying your real needs, rebuilding your sense of self, and creating a life that fits who you actually are.

Whether you’re healing trauma, discovering yourself after late diagnosis, or both, my goal is to help you not just understand your story, but feel genuinely safe and at home in your own body.

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Work With Me:

Ready to start your healing journey?

Book a free 15-minute consultation: (http://linktr.ee/EmpoweringWellnessHub)

Listen to my DIVINE WOMAN Playlist (Apple & Spotify): Empowering songs for women healing through softness and strength - links are on the linktree link! 

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome, Intentions, And Breath
• 2:32 Naming The Invisible Wound
• 6:05 Family Labels And System Limits
• 9:40 Scapegoating And Emotional Abuse
• 12:14 Triangulation And Guilt Pressure
• 15:35 Gaslighting Phrases And Their Impact
• 18:16 Why Families Resist Your Needs
• 20:40 Boundaries Reframed As Self-Respect
• 23:05 Clarifying Needs With Journal Prompts
• 25:12 Boundary Scripts And Consequences
• 28:35 Holiday Scenarios And Responses
• 31:10 Holding Firm: Pushback And Guilt
• 34:02 Exit Plans And Nervous System Care
• 36:20 Grief, Relief, And Chosen Family
• 39:20 Long-Term Maintenance And Support
• 42:10 Documentation And Safety Planning
• 44:05 Personal Estrangement Story
• 47:10 Freedom Beyond Performance
• 49:30 Closing Encouragement And Resources

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women. This is a space where your voice matters, where your body is sacred, and your journey home to yourself is honored no matter how winding the road. I'm Autumn, licensed professional counselor, life coach, yoga instructor. And if you listen to this or any of my episodes and think, geez, I want to dive deeper. I want to work more on this, I offer virtual sessions. Click on the link tree in the show notes to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. That's ultimately, ladies, I am here today to be your companion on this divine path of healing. And today's topic is heavy. Can be heavy, especially with major holidays upon us, and maybe family expectations might be higher. And I just want this episode to be your way of giving yourself permission to live and celebrate life and holidays on your terms that work with your capacity, that work with your sensory needs. But before we dive in, let's get settled in. Let's take a nice few rounds of breathing. Whether you wherever you are right now, whether you're folding laundry, driving, or curled up in your favorite spot, let's just take a moment to arrive here. When you're ready, as you're ready, take a nice deep inhale, letting that belly rise high, expand out. And then on the exhale, let it out through the mouth. One more time, inhale deeply. Exhale, let it out completely. And before I forget, I am going to be giving tips and journal thought prompts. So if you want to take notes, get your notepad, open your notepad, whatever you need, virtual or in real life. I mean your, I don't mean that. Your phone notepad is real. Whatever works for you. But today we're talking about something that lives so close to the heart for so many of us. I'm talking about what it's like when the people who are supposed to know you best don't actually see you. When your family doesn't understand your neurodivergence. And more importantly, I want to talk about how to set boundaries that honor who you actually are, not who they need you to be. If you're listening and you have any form of neurodivergence or trauma, and you've ever felt invisible or misunderstood in your own family, if you've ever been told to just try harder, stop being so sensitive, just get through this one event for mom's sake. Yeah, that's what we're here for. That's the stuff we're talking about. And before we start diving in too deep, I want you to know that your needs are real. Your brain works the way it works, and that's not something you need to apologize for. I see you. And I want you to see yourself. So, where to start? How to dive in. I want to start with maybe possibly what's called the invisible wound. It's the ache of not being understood by the people who raised us, who share our last name, who sit across from us at holiday dinners. And this is often invisible to the people around you. They can't see your sensory overload. They can't see the way your brain is processing 17 different stimuli at once while you're trying to have a conversation at the Thanksgiving dinner. They can't see the executive function challenges that make it hard for you to respond to text or show up on time. What they can see is what they interpret as you not caring enough, not trying hard enough, or being difficult, or gosh, you know, the worst one. You're so selfish, you're being selfish. And that interpretation becomes the story about you and your family. So think about it for a moment. What's the story your family tells about you? Are you the flaky one? The one who can't handle everything, the sensitive one, the one who causes drama, or the one that can handle everything. Don't worry about her, she's got it. But these labels, they're not who you are. They're how your family has made sense of behaviors they don't understand. And often these labels serve as a function in the family system. They keep everyone else comfortable. They keep everyone else from having to change or adapt or consider that maybe the way they've always done things doesn't work for everyone. Your family's inability to understand your neurodivergence is not a reflection of your worth. It is not proof that you're broken or difficult or too much. It's actually showing you something important about the limitations of the system you grew up in. Many of our families operate from a very neurotypical framework. They have expectations that were built for brains that work a certain way. And when your brain works differently, you're constantly bumping up against these invisible rules and expectations that weren't designed with you and mine. So what happens? You end up doing what so many of us do. You mask, you force yourself into shapes that don't fit. You push through sensory overload. You ignore your own capacity limit. Ignore your own capacity limits. You show up when you don't have the spoons because why? Family's family. That's just what we do. And the cost of that, the cost is you. The cost is your nervous system staying in a state of activation. The cost is anxiety, burnout, depression, loneliness, low self-worth, etching away at your confidence. The cost is ultimately losing touch with who you actually are because you're so busy being who they need you to be to make them feel comfortable. I like that little saying. I see I'm gonna mess it up. I that's what I do, but it says something along the lines of like, I'm not basically I'm not playing nice to your comfortability, respectively, you can choke or something like that.

SPEAKER_00: 7:47

Like, please suck out my face if I'm too much.

SPEAKER_01: 7:53

So let's understand family dynamics. Let's talk a little bit about family dynamics because when it comes to being neurodivergent, trauma experienced, or just in a family, sometimes the family dynamics are like the cycle that you just plug and play. You plug into the the part you play in your family dynamics, whether it's functional or dysfunctional. The goal here is to help you identify patterns that so that you can set appropriate boundaries for yourself. This is not to shame or blame or say someone's horrible. This is just to acknowledge the presence of patterns that may be keeping you stuck. So, first up is scapegoating. This is a big one. In family systems theory, a scapegoat is the person who gets blamed for the family's problems. They're the identified problem. And sometimes if you're neurodivergent in a family that doesn't understand neurodivergence, doesn't acknowledge it, doesn't try to educate themselves on it, there's a really good chance you've been put in this role. And here's how it works: your sensory needs, your communication style, your executive functioning challenges, these things create friction in a family system that expects everyone to operate the same way. And instead of the family adapting or recognizing that their expectations might be the problem, they make you the problem. You're the reason family dinners are stressful. You're the reason mom is upset. You're the one who can't just be normal for one day. You're the one making everything difficult. And the insidious thing about scapegoating is that after a while, you start to believe it. You start to think it's me. I'm the problem. Maybe everyone else would be fine if I could just get it together. Or if I'd just go away, right? Let me disappear if I'm such a problem. How alienating and soul crushing is that? Because you internalize the family's narrative about yourself. But here's what's actually happening. This family system is dysfunctional. And instead of addressing the real issues, the rigidity, the lack of understanding, the lack of compassion, the unwillingness to accommodate different needs, the unwillingness to stop looking at children as objects, something to control, something that's their property, something that needs to perform for their benefit to make them feel like it was worthwhile. They've made you the container for all the discomfort. And scapegoating, it's a form of emotional abuse. Full stop. And if you recognize yourself in this pattern, I want you to know you are not the problem, and you never fucking were. So maybe you've set a boundary with your dad about not attending loud family gatherings because they're overwhelming for your sensory system. Instead of your dad talking to you directly about the feelings, he goes to your mom. Your mom calls you. Your father is really hurt. He thinks you don't want to spend time with the family. Can't you just come for an hour? It would mean so much to him. Or maybe it's your sibling. You've explained to your sister, to your aunt, to your cousin that you need more notice for plans because of how your brain works. But instead of respecting that, she complains to someone else in your family who then texts you can you just try to be more flexible? You're making things really hard for everyone. So triangulation does a few things. First, it makes it impossible for you to have a direct, honest conversation with the person who actually has the problem. Second, it makes you feel ginged up on. Like everyone is talking about you and everyone thinks you're the problem. Third, it puts you in a position where you're managing other people's feelings about your boundaries instead of being able to maintain those boundaries with clarity and confidence. And the thing about triangulation in the context of neurodivergence, it's often used to manipulate you into dropping your boundaries. Because when you hear you're hurting mom or you're making dad upset, it triggers guilt and shame. And when you're already struggling with feeling like you're too much or not enough, that guilt and shame can be overwhelming. So what happens? You give in, you put yourself on the back burner, you go to the event, you mask, you push yourself past the limits, and the cycle continues. What about the do-it-for-mom dynamic? Do it for so-and-so, XYZ. Input whoever that person is. This is one of the most painful patterns. The pressure to do it for someone else. Just come to Thanksgiving for just get through this one day for grandma. It's dad's birthday. Can't you just push through? I want to be really clear about what's happening. Your family is asking you to harm yourself to make someone else feel comfortable. They're asking you to override your nervous system, your sensory needs, your capacity to perform normalcy for the sake of someone else's feelings. And they're doing it by weaponizing your love. Because of course you love your mom. Of course, you want your dad to be happy on his birthday. Your love is real. But that love is being used against you to keep you in patterns that hurt you. This is manipulation. And it works because most of us were raised to believe that our needs come last, that taking care of ourselves is selfish. That real love means sacrifice. Sacrificing yourself, your needs, your happiness, your life. And that's not love. That's manipulation. But here's what they're not telling you are what they don't understand themselves. Every time you override your needs to meet someone else's expectations, you're teaching them that your boundaries don't matter. You're teaching them that if they apply enough pressure, you'll fold. And you're teaching yourself that you don't deserve to have your needs respected. What is actually honoring, honorable for your mom, for your dad, for your family is showing up as yourself, whole boundaried, not burnt out, and not resentful, and not dissociated because you forced yourself into a situation that your nervous system couldn't handle. And there are probably a few phrases that make your nervous system spike by just hearing them. Can't you just get over it? It's just one day. Oh, you're being too sensitive. Everyone else is managing just fine. Why can't you get over it? Just, just, just, just try harder. Stop making everything about you. If you've heard these, I'm so incredibly sorry. Because what these phrases are really saying is your experience isn't real, your needs aren't valid, your struggle isn't legitimate. And this is a form of gaslighting. They're designed to make you question your own reality. And when you hear them enough times, especially from people you love, you start to doubt yourself. This is when you start to think maybe I am making too big of a deal of this. Maybe I should just be able to handle this. But your experience is real. Your nervous system dysregulation at loud gatherings, that's real. Your executive functioning challenges, also very real. Your sensory overwhelm, a million percent real. And your need for processing time also very fucking real. The fact that other people don't experience these things doesn't make your experience less valid. It just means your brain works differently, and different doesn't mean deficient. So a little bit about the why. Why can sometimes help it feel a little less personal? This is not an excuse for them, but as a way to protect your own peace. So, why do they say these things? Often, when family members tell you to get over it or push through, they're operating from a few different places. One, maybe they genuinely don't understand. If they're neurotypical or maybe old school, older generations, they might not literally be able to comprehend what sensory overload feels like or how executive functioning challenges impact daily life. It's like trying to explain color to someone who's only ever seen black and white. Number two, your boundaries are inconvenient for them. Your needs require them to adapt, and adaptation is uncomfortable. It's easier for them if you just conform to their way of doing things. Number three, they're protecting their own worldview. If they accept that you're neurodivergent and have different needs, they might have to confront ways they failed you in the past. That's painful, that's uncomfortable. It's much easier to maintain the narrative that you're just difficult. Right? Blame it on someone because I'm not changing. So that's what they're passing down to you. Not realizing how being treated that same way when they were little has stunted them, has changed them, has left them feeling some sort of way. No excuse for these behaviors. These are just whys. This is just here to help you understand that their inability to see you isn't actually about you. It's about their limitations, about their discomfort, and about their unexamined patterns. It's about their shit they're projecting onto you. All right, now we've talked about the patterns and we've talked about the pain. Now I want to talk about boundaries. I want to reframe what boundaries are because I think a lot of us have gotten the message that boundaries are mean, are selfish, or they're cold. Boundaries are not walls. Boundaries are not punishments. It's not about controlling the other person's behavior. Boundaries are you simply taking responsibility for your own well-being. Boundaries are your way of saying this is what I need to stay regulated, to stay healthy, to stay connected to myself. Boundaries are an act of self-respect. And when it comes to being neurodivergent and trauma experienced, boundaries are essential because your nervous system, your sensory system, your brain, they have limits. And honoring those limits isn't optional if you want to live a sustainable, authentic, joyful life. But before you can set boundaries, you need to get clear on what your actual needs are. Not what you think you should need, not what you would be most convenient for everyone else. What do you actually need? So here's some questions to ponder. Feel free to write them down. I'm gonna try to go slow, but also not make up too much silence. What environments or situations consistently overwhelm my nervous system? What are my sensory triggers? Noises, crowds, bright lights, certain textures, things like that. How much notice do I need to prepare for social situations? Don't go with the I'm easygoing, I'm on the fly, I can do whatever. Be real with yourself about this. If you had complete control on how you prepared for social situations and how they were organized and scheduled, how much time in advance would you like to have? I'm sorry about my cat in the background. If you can hear him, I fed him, I've loved him, but he's just, he's just, he just likes to talk. There he is. He's coming this way. Next up. What's my capacity for socializing before I hit burnout? What do I need after social situations to recover? What communication styles work for me and which ones don't? I prefer direct communication. I prefer getting down to it. Don't beat around the bush. Don't pussyfoot around things, as they say, don't be passive aggressive. Just say what you need to say. Be direct with me, right? That works best for me. And last question: what time of day am I most regulated and able to engage? I want you to get really specific. Because vague needs lead to vague boundaries, and vague boundaries are easy for people to push right past them. So, what do I say? How do I set a boundary? What am I supposed to do? Here's a simple formula. I need to write your specific need, because give a brief explanation, and that is completely optional. I'm willing to maybe an alternative or a compromise, which is also optional. If this doesn't work for you, then what? Then we'll reschedule. Then we'll find something new to do. We'll regroup and meet in two weeks. I need, what's a specific need? Dad not to be racist at the dinner table. I'm willing to allow him, I'm willing to accept his comments when he's in his room doing his thing. If that doesn't work for you, I'm gonna have to skip Thanksgiving this year. That was without the brief explanation. I need dad to not be racist during holiday dinner because I care deeply for all people. I don't want any harm to be spoken about at the dinner table. I'm willing to talk about life events. I'm willing to talk about how my life is going. I'm willing to talk about good things in society. And if that doesn't work for you, I'm gonna have to skip dinner. All right. So some more examples. I need at least a week's notice for family plans because of how my ADHD or ADHD brain works. I'm happy to check my calendar and commit to things when I have enough time to prepare. If you need last-minute plans, I might not be able to attend. Or I need to leave the party early because I have a limited capacity for social situations. I'll be there from two to four. If people ask why I'm leaving, please don't make it a thing. Just let me go. So a few things about these boundaries. They are specific, they include what you need and sometimes why. They offer alternatives when you have them. It's not asking for permission. And it includes what happens if the boundary isn't respected. And guess what? Pushback is coming. When you start setting boundaries, especially if you've never set them before, your family is going to push back. I want you to count on it. They might try to negotiate or bargain, guilt trip you, minimize your needs, get angry with you, give you the silent treatment, recruit other family members to put pressure on you, tell you you're being selfish or difficult. And this pushback is not evidence that your boundary is wrong. This pushback is evidence that your family is uncomfortable with change. They've benefited from you not having boundaries, and now you're disrupting the system. So, how do you handle holding your boundaries when you're getting pushback? When the pushback comes? The one thing I recommend is use the broken record technique. Calmly repeat your boundary without getting pulled into justifying or defending. I understand you're disappointed, but I'm not able to attend. I understand you're disappointed, mom, but I'm not able to attend. I understand you're able, you're disappointed, but I'm not able to attend. I hear that this is frustrating you, but I'm not able to attend. I know this isn't what you wanted, but I'm not able to attend. And don't overexplain yourself. The more you explain, the more ammunition you give them to argue with you. Your boundary doesn't need a dissertation defense. No is a complete answer. I'm not available, is a complete answer. Despite the guilt trips, despite the emotional manipulation, which comes up to the next part. Resists the guilt. Guilt is not evidence that you're doing something wrong. Guilt is often just the discomfort of changing a pattern. You can feel guilty and still maintain your boundary. Because ultimately, who are you hurting? And are you actually hurting someone? Because we don't create boundaries to hurt people, to control people. We create boundaries to safeguard our peace. And guilt may be part of the conditioning. When mom cries, Or dad's upset, it's our job to make it better, no matter what. And if all and above all else, after all this, have an exit strategy. If the conversation becomes abusive, manipulative, gaslighty, or you're getting overwhelmed, give yourself permission to leave. I'm not available to continue this conversation right now. I'll talk to you later. And then actually leave. Actually hang up. Actually stop responding. Put it on mute, turn off your notifications, flip the phone over, walk away from it. Go do something self-cary because you've just did something very strong and hard. You've stood up for yourself for maybe the first time in your life, and you're mean at this time. You're not trying to waver. So get away from the communication aspect of it and go do something with yourself. Rely on someone you trust, rely on a friend, rely on a massage therapist, if you will, whoever you want to have an exit strategy, something to do that gets you out of that, that gets you from having to feel guilty and respond. So I want to do a little scenario, right? Holiday gatherings. Your family expects you at Christmas Eve dinner with maybe lots of people. It's loud, it's chaotic, and you always leave completely dysregulated. So maybe you have a boundary. I'm not going to make it to Christmas Eve this year. The large gathering format doesn't work for my nervous system. I'd love to do something similar, maybe come over on Christmas morning or just our immediate family. And the pushback could be, but it's traditional. Everyone will be so disappointed. Everyone's going to be here. What about Uncle So-and-so? He wants to see you. And then here's your response. I understand this is different from what we've done before, but I need to honor what works for my well-being. I'm offering an alternative time to connect. Push back. You're being so selfish. Can't you just deal with it for a few hours? And here's your response. Mom, I'm taking care of my health, which is what I need to do. I hope you can understand. But either way, this is my decision. What about if mom texts, hey, we're all going together at your sister's house tomorrow, be there at two. Nope, last-minute plans don't work for you, overwhelm you, you're busy, it's your relaxing time. You had something planned, whatever it may be. Even if you wanted to stare into abyss, I don't care. That's your prerogative. Your boundary could be something like, that sounds nice, but I can't make last-minute plans. I need more advanced notice to prepare. Let me know next time you're planning something, and I'll see if I can make it work. And what is the pushback? Why do you always have to be so difficult? Everyone else can just show up. And this is your response. I understand that my brain works differently than others. This is what I need to be need to be able to participate in a way that works for me. I'm not trying to be difficult. What about triangulation? Your dad calls. Your brother says you're not coming to my birthday dinner. Your mother is beside herself. Can you please just come? Boundary to Dad. Dad, I'd like to talk with you directly about this rather than through mom or brother. I care about your birthday, and I also need to make choices that work for my capacity. Can we talk about what would actually feel doable for me? This does two things. It names the triangulation and it redirects to direct communication. It opens up a conversation about alternatives. What about doing it for so-and-so pressure? Mom really wants us all together for Easter. Can you please just come? It would mean so much to her. Here's your boundary. I love mom too, and I also have to honor my own limitations. I'm not able to do the big Easter gathering, but I'm happy to celebrate with her in a way that works for the both of us. Pushback.

SPEAKER_00: 34:28

You're gonna break her heart.

SPEAKER_01: 34:31

And here's your response. I'm not responsible for managing mom's feelings about my boundaries. I trust that she's resilient enough to handle this disappointment. And this last line might feel scary to say, but it's powerful because you're not responsible for protecting anyone from disappointment. You're not responsible for managing anyone's emotions, especially your parents. So what if they just won't stop pushing? They keep texting, they keep calling, they keep putting on the pressure. No matter how clear you are, they're not respecting the boundary. In this case, this is where a consequence comes up. I've explained my boundary several times. If you continue to pressure me about this, I'm going to need to take some space from our communication for a while. And if they continue, I'm stepping back from this conversation for the next few weeks. I'll reach out when I'm ready to reconnect. Then actually do it. Mute them, block them, because your peace matters more than your comfort. I know this is simple, not easy. I know that there are layers of familiar, family dynamics, familial dynamics, family dynamics, especially oftentimes dysfunctional, especially when we're talking about this response when you're trying to create a boundary. Because no matter who they are, blood, friend, or foe, when you create a boundary that's safeguarding yourself, if you get nothing but support, understanding, curiosity, empathy, help, if you get nothing but that, they're on your side. If they meet you with resistance, with manipulation, with gaslighting, with anger, with judgment, blaming, they are benefiting from you. You are managing something for them. And it's coming at a cost to you. That is self-sabotage. Blocking, muting, taking space, sticking to your boundaries is self-love. I want to kind of shift about into something that doesn't get discussed enough. And I think that's the grief that comes with setting boundaries with family around your neurodivergence or trauma experiences. Because when you start honoring your actual needs and setting boundaries, you might realize that relationships you wanted with your family, the one where they truly see you and understand you and accommodate your needs, might not be possible. At least not right now, and maybe not ever. And that's the real loss. You're grieving the family you wish you had. You're grieving, my animals are so loud. Gush. Okay. You're grieving being seen. You're grieving acceptance. And alongside that grief, you might also feel relief. Relief at not constantly performing. Relief at not constantly explaining yourself and finally putting yourself first. Both of these things, these feelings, can be true at the same time. You can be sad about your family's limitations and relieved about your new boundaries. You can love them and also need distance from them. This is a part of the healing. This is part of coming home to yourself. And when you set boundaries, your relationships will change. Some family members might surprise you and rise to the occasion. They might start asking questions, learning about neurodivergence, adapting their expectations. If this happens, fucking beautiful. Well done, elders, well done. But some family members just won't. Some will dig in deeper, some will make you the villain, some will choose their comfort over your well-being every single time. And as painful as it is, you might need to accept that a close relationship with these people aren't possible right now. You might need to move to low contact or no contact for your own health. That doesn't make you a bad person. That doesn't mean you don't love them. It means you love yourself enough to stop participating in dynamics that harm you. As you create more space in your life by stepping back from family dynamics that don't serve you, you create room for relationships that actually actually nourish you. This is where the chosen family comes in. These are the people who get it, the friends who understand your neurodivergence without without you having to explain or beg or coerce or plead. This is the community that celebrates your differences instead of asking you to minimize them. These are the people who respect your boundaries without pushback. Invest in these relationships. Let yourself be loved by people who see you. You deserve to be in relationships where you don't have to shrink, mask, or defend your existence. And I want to acknowledge that yes, sometimes we leave these family dynamics or we don't leave these family dynamics because we don't have good friends, because we don't have a chosen support system. So then it's making it more scarier because it's like then we're utterly alone, not just like dysfunctional alone, but now alone alone. Where am I going with this? What am I saying with this? What I'm trying to say is if that's the case, use paid services, use support systems, use support groups until you can find friends, until you feel supported by new people, other people. All right. So how do you maintain these boundaries for the long term? First and foremost, regulating your nervous system. Before having any hard conversations, practice regulating your nervous system. Use the grounding exercises. That means using your five senses. Name things you see, things you can hear, things you taste, smell, what your clothes feel like. Wiggle your feet, put them on the ground. Move your body, shake, wiggle, roll, jiggle, bounce. Move your body. And then breathe deeply. You want that belly to rise on the inhale, and you want your exhale to be longer than your inhale. That's the key to regulating your nervous system with breath. The exhale has to be longer than the inhale. And have a script prepared so you're not scrambling for words. You can also practice low-stakes situations. You don't have to start with the hardest boundary. You can practice smaller things first. I need to take this call. I'll talk to you later. That doesn't work for my schedule. I'm not available to discuss this right now. And get support. Talk to a therapist who understands neurodivergence and family systems and trauma healing. Join online communities with other neurodivergent adults navigating family boundaries. Find people who can remind you that your needs are valid when your family is telling you they're not. Also, if your family has a pattern of denying things they've said or rewriting history, document your conversations. Keep texts, take notes after phone calls. This isn't about building a legal case. It's about having something to reference when they try to gaslight you. Concrete evidence that their gaslighting is gaslighting and not truth. And create a boundary maintenance plan. What will you do when the boundaries are violated? How will you take care of yourself? Who's in your support system you can lean on? Having this planned in advance makes it easier to follow through in the moment. If it gets too heavy at any time, especially during the holidays, and you need someone to talk to, especially when you're making boundaries, 741-741 is a texting mental health hotline. They will talk to you. Why are you like who and what are you protecting? What are you moving toward? What is this? What is this helping you to get to? When it gets hard, I want you to read this. I want you to remind yourself of what matters. Your neuro divergence or your lived experience is not a character flaw. Your needs are not too much, and your boundaries are not mean. You have every right to protect your nervous system, honor your capacity, and create a life that actually works for you, even if your family doesn't understand. Setting boundaries with family around your neurodivergence is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself and ultimately for them, because you're teaching them that real relationships are built on respect and honesty, not performance and pretending. This is hard work. It's going to bring up grief and guilt and fear, and you're going to have to maybe fight if they push back. You're going to doubt yourself. You're going to wonder if you're being too much or not enough. This is all part of the process of undoing the conditioning of our definition of love as being performative and pretend. This is a slow growth into living authentically. And it is hard, but I've said it many a times, and I'll say it again. Choose your hard. Any path you take, life is hard. So any path you take is going to be hard. Choose the hard that's going to get you to where you want to be, to who you want to be, to have the life you want to have. And sometimes, my dears, the ugliest, ugliest truth of all, that no matter how hard you try, some people, some dynamics, some things will never change. And then what? The situation, this experience is soul crushing because the love you have for yourself has to override your need to perform or take care of others. And that it's not something that is encouraged or seen as respectful. Living a life without family, without a safety net can be paralyzing, guilt-ridden, and absolutely fucking depressing. Depressing, depressing. Not to mention terrifying. Here's my share. I know my situation is on the more extreme end. Complete estrangement from all blood relatives. My mom and dad have both passed. One when I was younger, and one when I was an adult. And for a long time, I've felt alone in the estrangement of my blood relatives. But I'm learning there are more of us that I've than I've realized who have who have to make this choice. I have living blood relatives, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, but I don't talk to them. We are complete and absolute strangers whose paths will most likely never cross again. I'm an orphan. Standing up for myself and choosing myself was one of the hardest things. It took layers. I let go slowly, I let go quickly, I let go in burst, I let go in silence. I have slowly healed the parts of me that were conditioned to behave a certain way, to treat people and talk about people and pretend in ways that's never felt right to me. And this is hard for me to share. This is an ugly truth that is heavy and vulnerable. But if I've learned anything, I've learned that my experiences can help other people feel seen, understood, validated, and maybe hopefully give you permission to live your life authentically. So if you're listening and you have this experience, I want you to know that you're not alone. And I hope that when you are alone, you feel your power and know that you have chosen real love over performative, fake, dysfunctional love. You are changing the world. Okay, time to lighten up. Anyone need to shake, wiggle, or jiggle, take a deep breath, let it out. Because no matter your route, the other side of this work is freedom. Freedom to be yourself, freedom from constantly explaining and defending and justifying your existence. Freedom to build relationships based on who you are, not who you can pretend to be. And you deserve this freedom. If you're in the middle of this right now, if you're trying to hold boundaries with family members who don't get it, I see you. I see how hard you're working, I see your courage. Keep going. Your nervous system is counting on you. Your future self is rooting for you. And I want you to remember you're not alone in this. There are so many of us doing this work, setting these boundaries, choosing ourselves. We're out here and we've got your back. And with that, my dears, I'd love to hear from you. Message me, comment, follow me. Oof, leave a sparkly pink heart emoji if you resonate with this, if you are making boundaries in a family that is hell-bent on making you the bad guy. Like I said in the beginning, I offer virtual sessions, whether you're healing from trauma, navigating a big life shift, or just simply wanting to learn more how to accommodate yourself rather than push through. I hold space for women just like you every single day. And it is my honor, my blessing, my privilege. Just fills me up inside to just be a helper. If that's something you're curious about, you can fill out a consultation request form via my link tree in the show notes, along with a Spotify playlist made for women, healing through softness and strength. I've said it and I'll always say it. You are never too much. You're never too late, and you do not have to figure it out all alone. Until next time, my dears, may you be happy and free. May mine and your healing ripple outward to bless the world with happiness and freedom. Take care of you, and I'll see you soon.