Love Bombing - What It Is, Why You Fall For It, and How to Protect Yourself

We name love bombing for what it is; a manipulation tactic that mimics romance to fast-track control. I offer concrete tools to slow the pace, protect your nervous system, and choose green flags over fireworks.

• definition and origins of love bombing as a cult tactic
• the cycle of love bombing
• dating red flags: constant contact, future faking, mirroring
• isolation disguised as romance and performative gestures
• friendship and workplace love bombing patterns
• healthy pace versus pressure, boundaries that hold
• why neurodivergent women and trauma survivors are targeted
• scripts and rules to set pace and keep support systems
• green flags that signal safety and accountability
• resources for safety, therapy, and ongoing support

Here is the link to the episode I mention in the episode. This is for anyone looking for a therapist and wants questions that help sus out therapists that aren’t a good fit for you!

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467345/episodes/17893730-bonus-epi-why-it-s-so-hard-to-find-a-good-therapist-and-questions-to-ask-so-you-don-t-settle

About Me:

I’m Autumn Moran, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas specializing in trauma-informed care for neurodivergent women and trauma survivors.

Therapy (Texas residents only):

I provide individual therapy in my private practice for women working through trauma, late diagnosis processing, relationship challenges, and healing from narcissistic abuse or toxic family systems. My approach is neurodivergent-affirming and focuses on helping you understand your patterns while building practical tools for nervous system regulation and authentic living.

Life Coaching (available anywhere):

For women outside Texas or those wanting support alongside therapy, I offer:

•Somatic Healing Coaching: Bridges the gap between cognitive understanding and embodied healing through nervous system work, movement practices, and practical integration tools. Perfect as a complement to talk therapy or for those ready to work directly with their body’s wisdom.

•Unmasking Journey Coaching: Specialized support for late-diagnosed neurodivergent women learning to reconnect with their authentic selves after decades of masking. We work on identifying your real needs, rebuilding your sense of self, and creating a life that fits who you actually are.

Whether you’re healing trauma, discovering yourself after late diagnosis, or both, my goal is to help you not just understand your story, but feel genuinely safe and at home in your own body.

Subscribe & Share:

New episodes drop every Wednesday and Friday. If today’s episode resonated, please share it with someone who needs to hear it or leave a comment—it helps other women find this space and know they’re not alone. Check me out on Apple Podcasts and many other platforms.

Work With Me:

Ready to start your healing journey?

Book a free 15-minute consultation: (http://linktr.ee/EmpoweringWellnessHub)

Listen to my DIVINE WOMAN Playlist (Apple & Spotify): Empowering songs for women healing through softness and strength - links are on the linktree link! 

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome, Subscribe, And Share
• 1:06 Setting Today’s Focus: Love Bombing
• 2:17 Definition And Origins In Cult Tactics
• 5:20 The Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard
• 8:14 Romantic Red Flags And Fast-Tracking
• 13:41 Mirroring, Isolation, And Control
• 17:37 Friendship And Workplace Love Bombing
• 21:02 Too Much, Too Fast, Too Intense
• 23:12 Genuine Interest Versus Manipulation
• 28:19 Why It Works: Brain Chemistry And Culture
• 33:25 Neurodivergence, Trauma, And Attachment
• 39:12 Pace, Boundaries, And Green Flags
• 44:18 Practical Self-Protection Rules
• 49:17 Trusting Your Body And Support System
• 54:02 Recognizing Patterns And Taking Action
• 58:59 Resources, Services, And Closing Blessing

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:02

Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women, a place where your voice matters, your body is sacred, and your journey home to yourself is honored, no matter how winding the road. I'm Audda Moran, licensed professional counselor, life coach, yoga instructor, all these things I do specializing in working with late-diagnosed neurodivergent women and trauma survivors. Sorry for the laugh. Those are serious topics. I just forgot what I was about to say. New episodes drop every Wednesday and Friday. So be sure to follow, subscribe, do what you need to do so you never miss an episode. And if today's episode resonates with you, I'd be so internally, eternally, not internally. I guess grateful internally as well, but I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with someone who needs to hear it, or simply leave a comment because that also helps other women find this space and know that they're not alone in their healing. I couldn't decide which episode should be today's episode because I didn't know what order, but today I finally decided that I want to dedicate this episode to defining what love bombing is and how to avoid it. And Friday's bonus episode will focus on healing sexual trauma. This is going to be for anyone who has ever had a situation that was violating, even if you feel it wasn't that big of a deal, or that it wasn't trauma or an attack because you didn't fight back or because you went along with it. I want to deep dive into all levels of sexual trauma and what it takes to start healing because it happens so fucking much, and no one seems to be trying to shift the fucking social norm. So I want to have a conversation about the people that have to suffer in silence and what to do when you just are haunted by it or bothered by it, have to relive it, get triggered a lot. I want to try to give you at least a little piece of peace. But today, today is about love bombing. So, you know, have you ever met someone, or within days or weeks, they're telling you that you are their soulmate, that they've never connected to anyone like this before, that you're so special, so different, so perfect. And it felt amazing up until it didn't. Maybe they were texting you constantly, because I want to be honest here, especially, I won't even use generational terminology. I'm just gonna say in the dating world, it's like if we don't hit it off, if you're not texting me, if I'm not getting good mornings or good nights or all these lovey doveys in text, then it's not a real connection. It's not real. And that is opposite of truth. That is not true, that is delusional, that is false societal, stupid bullshit, toxicity at its finest. So if they're not texting you constantly, showering you with gifts and attention, planning your future together before you've even been on five dates. And maybe you felt like finally, finally, someone sees me. Someone sees, someone gets me. Finally, you think someone loves you the way you've always wanted to be loved. But then something, something shifts. The person who couldn't get enough of you suddenly starts to criticize you, and sometimes it starts in jokes, uh, air quotes, jokes, jabs that are funny, just joking. Oh, don't I'm just being silly. The person who said you were perfect starts finding fault in things that you do. The intense love may have turned into control, intense control. And maybe you have been left confused, hurt, wondering what you did wrong. That is love bombing. And it's not love, it's a manipulation tactic, it's the opening move in an abusive relationship. And it's designed to hook you fast and hard before you have time to think clearly and see that person for who they are. Today we're going to talk about what love bombing actually is, what it looks like in different contexts, and why it works so well, especially on neurodivergent people and trauma survivors. And most importantly, I want to talk about how to protect yourself and recognize the difference between genuine connection and manipulation. Because here's what I want to convey. If you've fallen for love bombing, you're not stupid, you're not broken, you are a human being, and love bombing is specifically designed to exploit normal human psychology and bypass your better judgment. Yeah? It's wild, right? So a clear definition of love bombing is this love bombing is the practice of overwhelming someone with excessive attention, affection, and flattery early in relationships in order to manipulate them. The term was coined by a psychiatrist called named Dr. Margaret Singer in the 1970s when she was studying cult recruitment tactics. And that should tell you something right there. This is a cult tactic. It's how cult recruits members, it's how abusers secure victims. It is manipulation, not love. And the bombing comes in because it's not a gentle shower of affection. It's a bomb. It's an assault of attention and affection designed to overwhelm your defenses. It's too much, too fast, too intense. And that's the point. The goal is to overwhelm your ability to think clearly, to bypass your judgment, to create such intense feelings so quickly that you're hooked before you have time to see the red flags. And I want you to stick with me if you're like, but Bob, that's not Bob. That's not love bombing because Bob's not that smart. He's not that calculating. This can be a learned behavior. This doesn't mean they're sitting there scheming and tapping their little hands and me, me, me, me, meh. It can be Bob. Love bombing works by creating intense attachment quickly through dopamine flooding. Your brain is literally getting high on all the attention, affection, and validation. Exploiting reciprocity. Reciprocity. So essentially, they give you so much attention that you feel obligated to give it back to match their energy, to prove you're worthy of all this love. And this sets you up later for devaluation. Once you're hooked, once you're attached, once you've reorganized your life around this person, they pull back or start to criticize. Essentially, their mask begins to fall. And you'll do anything to get back to that initial high of being loved so intensely. This is what creates a trauma bond from the very beginning. The intensity, the rush, the overwhelming nature of it creates the same neurochemical patterns as trauma bonding. You're being conditioned from day one. This is equivalent to a drug substance addiction, an addiction. Because the high that you get from the bombing wires into your brain that that's a hit, that's a hit, that's a hit. No matter what the consequences are, I can get high from this eventually. So you keep going back. So you keep sticking with it. So you keep giving them second chances or dismissing them or minimizing, blaming yourself. And you know, it's not just romantic relationships. I mean, most commonly, love bombing happens in relationships. But it happens in friendships, the new friend who immediately makes you their entire world. It can be in professional settings where the boss or mentor who showers you with praise and special treatment, special treatment initially. Family dynamics, the parent who oscillates between neglect and overwhelming attention, and where the term originated from. Simply, it can be used in cult recruitment. And there's a cycle. Love bombing is typically the first phase in a predictable cycle. First, you have the love bombing phase. This is the ideal idealization phase. You're perfect, you're special, you're their soulmate. They can't believe how amazing you are. Everything about you is wonderful. And then I mentioned it earlier, but the second phase is devaluation. Once they've got you, the criticism starts. You're not as special as they thought, you're disappointing them, you're not meeting their needs. Suddenly, everything that was quote unquote perfect about you is now somehow wrong. This is where eggshell walking comes in. This is where you're monitoring your environment. This is when you walk in, gauging their mood to see how you would react. This is about not talking about things in order to not have conflict. And then they have the discard phase. They pull away entirely, or they leave, or they threaten to leave. You're devastated because you went from being worshiped to being discarded. And often they cycle back to love bombing when you try to leave or when they want something from you. The intensity comes back briefly. You think they do love me. It's back to how it was, and you stay. And guess what? That cycle then continues to repeat, repeat, repeat. This is an abusive pattern. This isn't a cycle of abuse, and it starts with love bombing. So, what does it look like? Because we all have kind of very general ideas of what love bombing is, or can pull an example from a friend or your lived experience alone. But sometimes we're not really aware what love bombing is. So let's let's break it down, shall we? In romantic relationships, this is the one I hear all the time. When clients come to me and this is a this is the first stage in meeting someone new, I know it's not going to last. I know it's going to be a hard time if it does last because it's going to be cyclical full of abuse. Constant communication from day one is the biggest red flag. They're texting you all day, every day, convos are going, everything's great. Good morning text, good night text, checking in throughout the day, talking about deep stuff, sharing things with you. And it feels good initially, like they're thinking about you constantly. And if you have an anxious attachment style, neurodivergent with hyper focus, or a trauma survivor who just wants to be loved, this can feel like you finally got it. But it's also overwhelming. And if you don't respond quickly, they might get upset, they might not respond, they might, you know, kind of what am I trying to say? Stonewall you, stay silent for a little bit to kind of punish you. They get worried or they start questioning you. Maybe they have intense declarations from the very early start. I've never felt this way before within the first few dates. You're my soulmate, you're my twin flame, you're the one. Before you even know it, I love you is at the table within days or the first few weeks, month, couple, few months. I mean, these things feel amazing, but they're not based on actually knowing you. They're based on the fantasy of who they want you to be. This happens a lot too, and this is really silly. I don't, I don't understand this. To me, this is a red flag. I don't feel comfortable with this part in my personal life, but I see where people can get caught up. But that future faking, planning your entire future together before you've had time to even know each other, talking about vacations or holidays or trips or events before you've even gone out on your own date, or before it's even been six months. I'm talking about within weeks and months of meeting each other. You are essentially still a freaking stranger to this person. I don't care how much of yourself you've shared because they've been so open and available for the sharing, it's not all of you, your actions, your daily habits, your morals, your bad side, your good side, your stressors. Like, let's get real. And I want to say this, and I might say this a couple of other times through this, but when it comes to dating someone, it takes about six to 12 months for their face, their true colors to really show. So hold yourself tightly close during those first six to 12 months. And I'm not like, girl, count down the days and at six months start saying I love you. I'm talking about give it the full year to really invest. Let someone show you who you are and take the time. There is no rush. And which comes to the next one, pushing for immediate exclusivity. I want you to be my girlfriend boyfriend on the second date. Deleting their dating apps, I only want you. Big fucking red flag. Wanting to be exclusive isn't inherently bad, but the speed and pressure are the red flags. Healthy relationships can take time to build commitment and exclusive exclusivity. Can't talk today, can't pronounce hard words. What about excessive gifts and grand gestures? Flowers at your work, expensive gifts, surprising you with elaborate dates. Again, gifts and gestures aren't bad, but the excess and the early timing are manipulation. They're creating obligation and dependence. I don't even think a lot of people do this unless they have a shit ton of money now, because like just with my clients and experiencing the dating world, sometimes it doesn't even get to this. So this is where that cliche of love bombing comes in. Well, he doesn't buy me flowers, he doesn't buy me gifts, he doesn't take me shopping, he's just so good with his words and he says such nice things. That's just because of the absence of presence and showering of presence isn't there doesn't mean it's not love bombing. And what about constant presence? They want to spend every moment together. They show up uninvited because they missed you. Maybe they want you to know where you are at all times, framing it as caring, but actually, it's about control and surveillance. And this goes to my beef with people sharing their locations. Some of it's got out of hand, guys. But like again, if you need to share your location with someone so that people know you're safe, friend or family, not your boyfriend you've just met within the past year, not the boyfriends you've met within a month, a couple of weeks, a few months. You do not need to know where they are. They do not need to know where you are. The only reason you would be selling sharing your location is for safety, not for control or accountability. Sorry about the kitty cat. He's meowing. Not quite sure. Let me open the door. What about mirroring? This happens, this can happen in any situation. I'm not saying it's just a neurodivergent situation, but mirroring suddenly, like if you feel that they just suddenly love or that they automatically love everything you love, they have the same values, the same goals, the same interests. This is where those hour-long conversations start at the very beginning where everything matches up, right? Right. Right. No, no. No one is just like us. They're like the perfect reflection of you, right? But it's not genuine. It's them becoming whatever they want you, whatever they think you want, so that you'll fall for them faster. They're wearing a mask, hence going back to that 12-month mark. I'm not even going to see six months anymore, especially for the anxious attachment style folks. Give someone a full freaking year. I know I sound old. I know I sound outdated. I hope I'm not too domed-deaf. I am just anti establishment. And I am all about taking the time and making sure it is right before you're in something that you wish you'd never gotten into. Sometimes love bombers can create a sense of us against the world narrative, building intimacy through sacred secrets or trauma bonding. No one understands us. Your family and friends don't get our connection. This creates isolation while feeling like special intimacy. This is love bombing. What about moving major milestones extremely fast? Moving in together early within weeks or a few months, getting engaged within months. Sisters, slow through. Do not let people, family, society, magazines, movies, friends, family, I don't care who they are, pressure you into getting into a relationship so that you can be married, so that you can be engaged, so that you can live the prescribed life that's supposed to be the trick.

SPEAKER_00: 19:54

That's supposed to be the answer to it all. What about having a baby quickly or starting talking about babies?

SPEAKER_01: 20:05

Like, ew. Major life commitments before you've seen them across different seasons and contact contexts, right? Like, you need to see how they act. So, like, sure, you're ready for a baby, but let's see how he treats a puppy. Let's see how he treats a brand new being that makes messes and tears up the house or does bad things. Let's see how he treats strangers. Let's see how he treats other strange women, especially waitresses, servers. Let's really see how they think of women and what their role is before we put a ring on it. I got beef, ladies. I got beef. I'm so tired of people mistreating people. I just got beef, right? And love bombing is isolation disguised as romance. I just want it to be us. Let's skip the party and stay in together every time. Your friends don't need you as much as I do. They frame isolation as romantic exclusivity, but they're cutting you off from your support system. And what about best friends? What about, I'm not best friends. What about in friendships? You got that instant best friend. You're my best friend after one or two hangouts, immediately treating you like you have years of history together. Again, constant contact and demands is very big in love bombing. Whether they're texting all day, if they get upset if you don't respond immediately, wanting to hang out constantly, if you're busy with other people, they might get jealous or hurt. This happens in romantic too. And I just put it in friendship, but intense oversharing, sharing deepest traumas and secrets right away and expecting you to reciprocate. I've seen this in romantic relationships, uh uptick in this lately, where guys are sharing their vulnerable shit while love bombing.

SPEAKER_00: 22:08

It's like they learned, they learned a new tactic that if they seemed or appeared vulnerable and solved, it makes them better.

SPEAKER_01: 22:24

I don't know. Women do it too. I am not here to batch men. I'm just here to batch bad people that are treating people bad. Like go to therapy, work on your ship, stop manipulating people and using them. Like it's just fucking simple, right? But here we are on the other side of this, having to keep ourselves in check to stay away from the bad guys, right? Like fucking world. All right, sorry. I am tangential. I've been doing this on a couple of episodes. We'll see if you like it or not. I'm sorry. I am just talking and sharing. Friendships and relationships, romantic ones can make you their whole world. Dropping all their other friends or family to focus on you, which feels flattering at first, but it's a red flag. They're showing you what they'll later demand from you, that you make them your whole world too. Yeah. Maybe in retrospect, you can see that cut play out, right? It's hard to see that up front. And I said it a little earlier, but they may be jealous of other friendships. They get upset when you spend time with friends. I thought I was your best friend, you like them more than me, creating competition and insecurity. So, what about in professional settings? So, professional settings is where like bosses or mentors, like I said earlier, shower you with praise initially. You're so talented, you're not like the other employees. I see so much potential in you. They may give you special treatment, special projects, extra attention, make you feel chosen, value, and seen. Then later, they might use that investment that they had in you to demand loyalty. After everything I've done for you, you can't say no to this. Maybe they expect you to work unpaid over time. Maybe they begin to violate your boundaries or prioritize their needs above your own well-being. The initial love bombing was grooming.

SPEAKER_00: 24:21

They were creating obligations so that they could exploit you later. And I I'm gonna say this because I think it's a true thing too.

SPEAKER_01: 24:38

I don't know if it's a true thing because I'm not like this and I haven't had anybody report this to me. But also in like helping professions, helper, helping professions, therapists, coaches, counselors, things like that. Excessive availability, where you can text them anytime, even at 3 a.m., and they'll respond. My caveat is message me if you need anything. I will respond if I'm available. But if it is an emergency, dial 911, call for help.

SPEAKER_00: 25:12

I am not an emergency crisis line.

SPEAKER_01: 25:20

Other ways they can be love bombing is where they can break professional boundaries in general, like you're not like my other clients, you're special. Maybe they share too much personal information about themselves. Maybe they suggest that you're friends, not in a professional relationship. Maybe they make you feel chosen and a special in a way that creates obligation. Then later there's boundary violations, inappropriate relationships, financial exploitation, making you dependent on them so you can't leave. So this goes back to my episode where it's like, how do you find a good therapist? Where are they all at? My other cat is meowing now. They're not kids. It's baby, baby animals just walking around. Sorry. But I'll put a link in the show notes for that episode of questions to ask to find the right therapist. I think I found the right therapist. I've met with her twice and I use those questions and I talked with her, and it was really nice. So, like, again, red flags, because one of the questions in there, I believe, is about how much personal information you share. And that's a big thing for me. Like, I don't mind knowing personal stuff, or sometimes I might ask stuff of my therapist just to get to know them, but I don't need to know details of their daily lives or leave a session being able to recant their troubles. But in all contexts, all contexts, love bombing includes too much, too fast, too intense, right? Plain and freaking simple. And I know it feels good, and I know it's a breath of fresh air to be just loved and seen and held and embraced, and just someone wants to just be around you and love you. I know that feels so good, but that's not real. That's not real love. It's just not. And if you're honest with yourself, it is too much. Even though you like it, there's a part of you that is aware that this is not right. This is too much, it's too fast. Overwhelming attention and affection, immediate deep connection claims, future faking and big promises, isolation from others, creating obligation and dependence, making you feel chosen, special in a way that bypasses your judgment. But what about love bombing versus genuine inner interest, right? This is the hardest part. Like, how do you tell the difference between someone who's genuinely enthusiastic about you versus someone who's manipulating you? Because the feelings can be similar, and love bombing is designed to mimic genuine connection. So genuine interest and healthy connections. Like I want to break this down. When it comes to escalating, it is gradual in a healthy when it's in a healthy environment, when it's in a healthy relationship. The intimacy, the commitment, and intensity build as you actually get to know each other. It doesn't start at 100 on day one. Another healthy connection is like when you say, This is moving too fast for me, or I need some space, I'm not ready for that yet. They respond with understanding, not pressure or upset. They adjust to your comfort level. Or you even have the ability to feel like you can say that without them getting upset. Maybe they've never gotten upset, but you've got some clues somewhere in you that tells you if you say, I'm not, I don't want this right now, you could lose it all. There's not in a healthy relationship, there's not even the implication that something's going to go wrong when you have boundaries. Another healthy connection is that they're actually interested in knowing you. They ask questions, they listen, they remember things you said, they're curious about who you actually are, not who they want you to be. They notice and appreciate your quirks and differences, not just the ways you match their fantasy. And now I know anyone can mirror you and be polite and love bombing, but for someone to notice your quirks and differences, that takes time. And they're asking questions about you, not your experience, not about what you would do, not about what you dream of, but about you. It's more than surface level or trauma dumping. They're comfortable with you having other relationships. They encourage you to maintain friendships and family connections. They're happy for you to have your own interest and they want you to have your own life. They want to be integrated into your existing life, not replace it, not be all of it, not be the driving force for your purpose for living. They can handle no without drama. When you set a boundary, disagree, or say no to something, they respect it. They don't pout, they don't guilt trip, they don't manipulate, or they don't push you for having their needs met. They don't keep asking, keep asking, and keep asking. They let it go. They understand, they respect. One of the things I say is actions and words. Are those lining up consistently over time? Is what they say and what they do aligning? Do they follow through? Are they reliable? And you can see this pattern over weeks and months. It's not just days. You need time to make sure that their actions support their words because anyone can say anything. Because words are who someone wants to be. Actions are who someone really is. Healthy people make you feel good and grounded. Yes, there's excitement and butterflies, but you also feel safe, calm. You may feel more like yourself, not less. You may feel grounded even in the excitement. And your gut may feel safe. This is important because underneath the excitement, your nervous system feels calm. There might be healthy nervousness about something new, but there's not persistent anxiety or dread.

SPEAKER_00: 32:16

So love bombing and manipulation.

SPEAKER_01: 32:18

It's intensity from day one. Like I said earlier, it starts at 100. They push for more than you're comfortable with, or always pushing for more time, more commitment, more intimacy, more access. But if you're eager, if you're unloved, underloved, if you have an anxious attachment style, this won't feel like too much. This will be like, I'll do whatever you need. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. If this is what love is, I'll do it. This is love. This is finally love. I found it. I'll do this. I'll do this. Don't, don't fool yourself. This is manipulation. They don't see the real you. It's just the fantasy of you. They love the ideal of you, but not you, not the reality. And when the reality doesn't match their fantasy, they get upset. They want to be your whole world. They react poorly to boundaries. You can't say no or slow down, or I need space, or I don't like that, or let's go here, or let's do this, let's do this. Can you help me here? Words and actions aren't going to match. Are their actions performative? They say all the right things, but their actions don't back it up. Are their actions are grand gestures designed to impress, but they're not genuine care. There's a performative quality to it all. Is it in front of people? Is it on socials? Is it so everyone can see? You know. And they make you feel amazing, but also overwhelmed. Yes, like I've said, it feels good to be wanted so intensely. I'm not denying that, but it also feels like too freaking much. You feel off balance, swept up, not quite in control. There's a cognitive dissonance there. It feels good and wrong at the same time. Going back to the gut. Your gut feels uneasy. Even though you're excited, there's anxiety. There's a part of you that feels like this is too much. This doesn't feel right. Your body fucking knows.

SPEAKER_00: 34:19

Listen to it. So what about the pace?

SPEAKER_01: 34:29

Moving fast can be okay, but there's also red flag fast. People, if both people are feeling the strong connection and are mutually choosing to move forward, there's strong chemistry, you're still respecting boundaries, you're taking time to actually get to know each other in depth. People can slow down, but both people can slow down if one person needs to without drama or consequences.

SPEAKER_00: 34:56

You're introducing family and friends because you want integration and isolation. Too fast is when one person is pushing the pace and you're trying to keep up or you feel pressured.

SPEAKER_01: 35:12

There's no time to breathe, think, check in with yourself, or consult people you trust. There's isolation from your support system, from all the time you're spending together. Your relationships are suffering. Major commitments are happening before you've seen this person in different contexts. How they handle stress, conflict, disappointment, daily life, different social situations. You can't slow down without consequences. You feel swept up. The pace itself feels like a part of the manipulation. Like if you had time to think clearly, you might see things you're currently missing. What about healthy intensity versus manipulation? Strong feelings develop as you and grow as you get to know each other. Whereas a manipulative intensity is overwhelming feelings designed to specifically bypass your thinking and judgment. Healthy intensity is where passion includes respect for boundaries and autonomy. Manipulation ignores, overrides, and violates boundaries. Healthy intensity is excitement that doesn't override your judgment or better thinking. Whereas the manipulative tendency, intensity is the excitement that makes you feel like you can't think straight, like you're in a fog. Healthy intensity means that big feelings that you both can talk about, reflect on, and regulate together happen all the time. Where if it's a manipulative tendency, big feelings are used to pressure you, guilt you, or make you feel like you can't say no. In a healthy situation, intensity is the connection itself, the emotional intimacy, the chemistry, the compatibility. In a manipulative intensity, it's all about control, controlling your time, your attention, your decisions, your life. Healthy intensity makes you feel alive and also safe. Whereas manipulative intensity makes you feel overwhelmed, anxious, off balance, even while feeling excited. Healthy relationships build over time. You're learning each other gradually. There's space to think, breathe, and be yourself. And love bombing doesn't allow for that. It's designed to overwhelm so you can't think clearly. So why does love bombing work so well? You get the dopamine flood, your blood, your brain is literally getting high. You're in a biochemical love coma. It creates intense attachment quickly. Normally, attachment develops over time through consistent positive interactions, but love bombing creates instant, intense attachment by overwhelming you with positive experiences all at once. You bond to this person before you even know them.

SPEAKER_00: 38:08

That's trauma bonding. That's not a healthy attachment. It mirrors cultural narratives.

SPEAKER_01: 38:19

Think about romantic comedies, romance novels, love songs. We're taught that real love is all-consuming, overwhelming. I can't live without you. Love at first sight, swept off your feet. Love bombing mirrors these narratives. So it feels like what love is supposed to feel like. We've been primed to think this intensity is romantic and not dangerous. Everyone wants to be seen, chosen, valued, love, and to be special. Everyone wants to matter. And love bombing exploits these fundamental needs. It's not weakness to want these things because that's human.

SPEAKER_00: 38:57

But love bombers weaponize normal human desires.

SPEAKER_01: 39:10

I mean, when you talk being neurodivergent, what about masking and people pleasing as a baseline? I mean, you've probably spent your whole life fawning or people pleasing as a survival strategy. Your love bomber's intensity matches your intensity of trying to be accepted and people please. So it feels familiar. It feels like finally someone who matches my energy, energy. But their intensity is about control, not genuine passion. They're not matching your authentic self. They're matching your people pleasing self.

SPEAKER_00: 39:41

They're explorable, exploiting your tendency to adapt and accommodate.

SPEAKER_01: 39:49

I mean, neurodivergence in like your hyper focus, your special interest, your natural intensity. It is great, but That's not what love bombing is, because their intensity is performative and manipulative, and your intensity is authentic. I mean, when it comes to trauma survivors, right? If you've experienced childhood trauma, chaos, and intensity might feel like home to your nervous system. Calm, stable relationships might actually feel boring, wrong, or anxiety-inducing because they don't match what your nervous system recognizes as love. Maybe your nervous system was trained that love involves intensity, unpredictability, having to work for it, earning it. And love bombing activates those familiar, familiar neural pathways. It feels right even though it's actually so dangerous. Because familiar feels safe to a traumatized nervous system even when familiar is actually harmful. Your nervous system will choose familiar chaos before it will choose unfamiliar comfort. Then you have the attachment wounds. If you have the anxious attachment, fear of abandonment, need for constant reassurance. The intensity of love bombing feels like a deep connection you've been desperately crying for forever. Finally, right? If you have an avoidant attachment, the intensity might actually override your usual defensive. The love bombing is so overwhelming, it get past it can get past your walls before you can stop it. What about the fawn response? If fawning is your trauma response, you're already primed to prioritize other people's needs and feelings over your own. You already people please, you already accommodate, you already make yourself smaller. So when a love bomber showers you with attention and then starts making demands, guess what happens? That fawn response kicks in. They gave me so much. I owe them. I need to make them happy. Their needs matter more than mine. This is love. I can do this. I'm asking too much. I'm being too much. You don't see it as manipulation because you're already doing this with everyone. It just feels like what you're supposed to do. And what if you're starved for love, my dears? If you grew up without adequate love, attention, validation, care, if you were emotionally neglected or abused. Love bombing feels like finally getting what you've needed as a child all your life, what you've dreamed of. You're so hungry for love that you'll take it in any form, even unhealthy ones. You don't want to lose it, so you ignore the red flags. You don't want to set boundaries because boundaries might make them leave. And losing this love feels like it would destroy you. What about low self-worth? If you don't believe you're worthy of love, if you think you're fundamentally unlovable or damaged, love bombing feels like proof that someone sees your value. And you're afraid that if you set boundaries, ask them to slow down or express any needs of your own, they'll realize you're not actually that special and they'll leave. So what happens? You become smaller, more accommodating, ultimately ignoring your own discomfort to keep them. If you come from trauma, you might genuinely not know what healthy love looks like. You might think that intensity equals passion, jealousy equals care. Oh, girl, you get so jealous, it's so cute. Oh, that makes me want to burn fire. Control equals protection, volatility equals passion, drama equals true love. So if that's your definition, love bombing feels like love to you because you don't have a healthy reference point. Get a therapist, find real love, get some group therapy, take some courses, read some books. That's not love. If any of those equals, you were like, Yeah, girl, that's me. Read a book, listen to a podcast, learn how to love yourself, build your self-worth, learn what the definition of love is, what a healthy relationship is. For neurodivergent trauma survivors, which is many of you listening, you're dealing with all of these vulnerabilities at once. Maybe you have rejection sensitivity dysphoria, social inexperience, fawning, attachment wounds, and a nervous system that recognizes intensity as love. You're the prime target for love bombers, and that's not your fault. But it's why you need to be especially careful and intentional about building your awareness and protection strategies. This is about having dating rules for yourself. Nothing serious within the first year, no moving in, no saying I love you, no overnights until three months or beyond, no weekend trips away until three weeks, three months or beyond. Like, let it happen slowly. So I want to get practical. Here are some red flags to watch for and questions to ask yourself when you're in a new relationship and you're trying to figure out is this healthy or am I being love bomb? What about pace? Are they pushing for commitment, labels, future planning, exclusivity? And if you're honest with yourself, is it faster than what feels comfortable to you? Is it faster than what you said you wouldn't do this time? Do they get upset, pouty, pouty? Oh, please, you want to go? You sure, please. Hey, babe, you sure you don't want to go? Hey, uh, I'd really love for you to go, are manipulative when you want to slow down or take time. Are they talking about your future together, moving in, marriage, kids, specific life plans, before you've been together long enough to actually know each other's different contexts and seasons? I don't care how old you are, you don't have to get married right away, you don't have to have kids right away. All this is squabble, squabblish. I don't want to hear, I don't want to be an old parent, or it's too late for me. I was in the store the other day and this woman was on her phone and she was like, could you imagine if I started my life over at this age? Bitch, I hope you do. If you're having a problem, if someone's abusing you, if you're not happy, start your life over. And you're not starting over, you're starting from a new place of awareness and self-love so that you can have a better life. I wanted to stop her and have a therapy session with her. Have we talked about kids? Are we planning vacations? Are we planning holidays? What about boundaries? Do they respect your no, or do they push, negotiate, pout, guilt trip, or find ways around it? Can you have time to yourself without them getting upset, jealous, or questioning of what you're doing? And this can be not overtly obvious. This is checking in when you go with your friends. You have to message them when you get there, when you leave. They don't let you spend time with your friends without you having to check in them or say you're okay. They have your location, they need to see you right after. Like, be fucking for real. They're not like, no, stop. Do they respect your other relationships, your friends and family, or do they get jealous, dismissive, or try to isolate you from them? Again, it's not obvious. I just want to be with you. I miss you so much. Can we just skip this one time? And then there's a pattern. Can you maintain your own interests, hobbies, and independent life? Or do they want to be involved in everything? When you express a need or concern, do they hear you and adjust, or do they get defensive and make it about them? And this might not happen till later. Their mask might still be on, but you'll see subtle shifts or some little jab or some little negative consequence come out because they can't hold it for too long. And if you feel any sort of like, what was that? That's that consequence I'm talking about. Why did he say it like that? That after we talked about that, he did say that. Yeah. Red flag. Again, just saying men. I don't want to assume everyone's queer. I'm just using heteronormative, but we could say gals too. Maybe I'll try to switch it up. My bad. Where am I in my notes? Ooh, how do they talk about their exes? If all their exes are crazy or abusive or problem, there's a red flag. That means they're not taking accountability. Do they take responsibility for their mistakes and apologize genuinely? Like apologize, offer change, and then actually change in action? Or do they blame others, make excuses, or somehow make it turn around as if it wasn't a big deal or you got offended or you misinterpreted in some way, or that's not how it was, i.e., gaslighting you? Have you seen them in multiple situations over time? Or has everything been in a controlled, perfect bubble? What about how you feel? Do you feel calm and safe in your body around them or anxious and on edge? Are you constantly second-guessing yourself, questioning your perceptions, or feeling confused? Do you feel like you can be your authentic self, or are you performing, managing, walking on eggshells? Has your self-esteem esteem gotten better or worse since meeting them? Healthy relationships improve your self-esteem. Unhealthy ones eroded. Are you seeing your friends and family less than you did when you started this relationship? Do you feel like yourself or like you're becoming someone else to keep them happy? Is there a part of you that feels relieved when they're not around, even though you miss them? And what about questions to ask yourself when you've got swep up? Is this person, if this person disappeared tomorrow, will I feel relief or devastation? Maybe a little bit of both. What about would I be okay with my friend, sister, daughter in this exact situation? If you'd be worried about someone you love in this situation, pay attention to that. Am I making excuses for the behavior? They had a hard childhood, they're just really passionate, they were stressed, I'm being too sensitive. They didn't mean it that way. If you're doing that, something is wrong. Healthy relationships don't require constant excuse making. Do they respect it? Do they get upset? What happens? Am I losing myself or finding myself in this relationship? Are you becoming more yourself, more authentic, more clear about who you want and what you want? Or are you becoming less yourself, more anxious, more uncertain, more unclear about your own preferences and needs? What are your trusted people saying? If multiple people you trust are expressing concern, listen to them. Love bombing often includes isolating you from people who might see clearly. So if you're pulling away from your people or if they're expressing concern and you're getting defensive, that's information.

SPEAKER_00: 53:12

Ask yourself, why am I afraid to slow this down?

SPEAKER_01: 53:22

What about if do I feel like I'm choosing this or like this is happening to me? So, how to protect yourself? The first step is education, what you're doing right now by listening to this episode, knowing the signs of love bombing, understanding the tactics, and then building your ability to recognize manipulation. Trust that if something fills off, it is. Your gut is giving you information, even if your brain is rationalizing. If you are a neurodivergent, trauma-experienced person, you have pattern recognition ingrained, hardwired in your brain that you don't even have to think about to use. So if you clock that something's not right, if you clock that something feels off, that is fucking truth. That is your hardwired being telling you something's wrong. I want you to establish your pace and your boundaries before you start dating. Decide ahead of time what your comfortable pace is for relationships. Not what the world thinks, not what your friends are doing, not what's on the TV show, but what actually feels right for you. Examples. I won't say I love you until at least three months, and if I genuinely feel it, only if I genuinely feel it. I won't become exclusive until at least one to two months of dating. I won't move in with someone until we've been together at least a year. I won't meet someone's family until we've been dating at least two months. I need alone time and friend time weekly, even when I'm excited about someone new. Whatever your boundaries are, decide them in advance, write them down, tell a friend, be accountable. And practice saying, I'm really excited about this connection and I want to take it slow. Anyone who respects you will respect that. Anyone who doesn't is showing you who they are. And please, a crucial, crucial thing, do not isolate yourself no matter how much you want to spend all your time with this new person. I want you to make a rule that you maintain your regular friend hangouts, your family dinners, your therapy appointments, your social commitments, even when you want to cancel to see the new person, even when they're asking you to skip things with them. Keep your connections. Actively talk to your support system about your relationship. Don't hide things because you're afraid there'll be concern. If you're hiding things, that's already information that something's wrong. Share what's happening, ask for their perspective, be willing to hear their concerns without getting defensive because you might not like it, but you might need to hear it. You need to see someone across multiple contexts over time, over a lot of time, over a lot of contexts, over a lot of situations. How do they handle stress? How do they handle conflict with you and strangers? How do they treat people who can't do anything for them? Customer service, wait staff. How do they act when things don't go their way? How do they handle disappointment? What are they like when they're tired, hungry, drunk, overwhelmed? What are they like when they're traveling? What are they like in the airport? What are they like around their friends and family? What are their friends like? How do they handle your boundaries? Are they consistent over weeks and months? This is important shit to know before you give your heart to anyone. And these are not things you can just ask and they answer. You have to see this in real time and real action. You need weeks and months and years to see this.

SPEAKER_00: 57:31

Here's my hard rule.

SPEAKER_01: 57:33

Wait six to 12 months before making any commitments, like exclusivity, saying I love you, meeting families. Wait at least a year before you move in, getting engaged, or other major life decisions. Maybe meeting families and saying I love you, three to six, but I mean more of the six-month mark. But six to twelve months. Before six months, girl, it's an audition. And you need to be the casting director, paying attention to all the facial expressions, to their mannerisms, to their intentions, to what they're doing, what they're really saying. This isn't about being overly cautious. This is being appropriately careful with your heart and your life. Please trust your body. Your nervous system gives you information that your thinking brain might miss or rationalize away. So like learn to distinguish between this, right? This is new, and I'm nervous, but I feel safe. So like energizing butterflies, excitement, but underlining calm. And then you have the this doesn't feel right, and I'm anxious. Your stomach's in knots, persistent tension, tightness in your chest, feeling on edge. And please, if you are getting outside perspectives and your friends are telling you that something's not healthy, that there are red flags, that they're concerned for you, find an exit strategy. Something is wrong. And if you can't leave, get into therapy with that partner, not just you.

SPEAKER_00: 59:03

Couples therapy. It's a lot, right?

SPEAKER_01: 59:15

I want everyone to do your work, do your trauma work, do your healing work, heal your attachment wounds, build your self-worth because the more you heal, the more you have a strong sense of self and self-confidence, the less vulnerable you become to manipulation. They won't even come in your atmosphere because you just don't vibrate like that anymore. Build your own self worth outside of relationships. Bottom line protecting yourself from love bombing requires slowing down, maintaining boundaries, keeping your support system, trusting your gut, and being willing to walk away from intensity that doesn't feel right. Even if it feels like the best thing ever. What about green flags? Let's talk about green flags before I close. And I think I've said it because when we talked about the intensity, but I want to have some good things to look forward to so you're not just spotting all the black, the dark things, the red things. They respect your no immediately and without pouting or pressure. They're genuinely interesting in knowing the real you, asking questions and really listening. They have healthy relationships with other people in their lives. They take responsibility for their mistakes and apologize sincerely with changed action. They're consistent over time. They're the same person in different contexts. Your gut feels calm and safe with them even when excited. They can handle feedback in different perspectives without getting defensive or being mean to you. They're patient with your pace and boundaries. So the dating world's a wild space. The world's a wild space. And if you're listening to this and you're realizing right now that you're being love bomb or that past relationships started with love bombing, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sorry you're going through it. I know it's very hard. Love bombing is insidious because it exploits something beautiful and vulnerable. Your desire to be loved, seen, chosen, valued, and special. It takes that beautiful hope that we all have and it weaponizes it for manipulation and control. And if you fell for it, if you missed the red flags, you've got swept up, that doesn't mean you're stupid or broken or bad at relationships. It means someone with manipulative intentions exploited normal human psychology. It means they were skilled at manipulation. It means you were vulnerable in ways that are understandable. Especially if you're neurodivergent or a trauma survivor, you were more vulnerable and that's not your fault. You were targeted because manipulators look for people who are starred for acceptance, who have attachment wounds, or who are socially inexperienced, who are prone to people pleasing, who were targeted because you were vulnerable, not because something is wrong with you. But now you know what to look for. Now you have language for what happened. Now you can recognize the pattern. And now you can protect yourself moving forward. Real love doesn't need to rush. It can wait. It respects your pace, your boundaries, your need for time to actually know someone before making major commitments. Real love wants to know the real you, not just the version of you that's fantasized about. Real love doesn't require you to lose yourself, abandon your people, or ignore your gut. Real love helps you become more yourself, not less. Real love wants you to have boundaries because boundaries are what healthy people do. You deserve that. You deserve relationships that feel good and safe. You deserve to be seen, chosen, and loved in a way that doesn't require you to abandon yourself or override your better judgment. And if you're in a relationship right now where you're recognizing love bombing, where the red flags are appearing now that you're seeing clearly, you have choices. You can slow down, you can set boundaries, and you can leave if you want to, if you need to. I know it's scary. I know you're attached. I know the thought of losing this feels absolutely unfucking bearable. But I also know you cannot heal or build a real relationship with someone who started by manipulating you. The foundation is rotten and you deserve better. Trust yourself, trust your gut, trust the people who love you and see you clearly, and know that you are capable of building the kind of love that doesn't require you to lose yourself in the process. And if you are all alone in this world and you only have this manipulator to rely on, to depend on, to help you through life, I know how scary and how lack of choices that may feel. Please reach out to your resources. There's a national domestic violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233. 1-800-799-7233. Find a local domestic violence shelter in your area. They can help you have a place to stay. They can help you get education or work training. They can help you get housing, especially if you have kids, even if you don't have kids. It's not ideal. It's not the best, cushiest place, but it is a safe space to start if you are all alone. All domestic violence websites have a safe key. They aren't traceable. You can hit a button and it goes to something else if you're afraid of anyone seeing it. If you need help and you want to text someone for dating abuse, there is a text line called Love is Respect. Text Love is L-O-V-E-I-S 2 22522. If you need to talk to someone over text about dating abuse, text Love is L-O-V-E I-S two, the number 22522. I'm wrapping it up now, Aleah. My lyers, my ladies, my dears, my leers. This was a heavy topic. If you have questions, reach out to me. If you need to speak with someone, get a coach, get a therapist, get a couples therapist, get group therapy, find a support group if the money's not there, if insurance is not there. I'd love to hear from you. If you've got a question, message me. If you want to help more women hear this episode and to help me support my podcast growth, please comment, please leave a review because this helps me show up in searches because I'm not in the algorithm game anymore. I got off of social media and I'm just trying to grow by word of mouth. There's also, if you want to work with me, I offer virtual therapy for women in Texas who are navigating trauma, neurodivergence, and life transitions. I offer life coaching internationally, anywhere in Texas or outside of Texas, that is specifically to help late-diagnosed, neurodivergent women unmask, accommodate, and find their way. If what I share on this podcast resonates with you and you're looking for personalized support, I'd love to work with you. Go to my Link Tree notes, my link tree, and my link tree in the session notes. Click on it, click on the 15-minute consultation, fill out the form, and let's talk for a free 15 minutes to see if we're a good fit. And then also on there, you can listen to some badass music that's all about empowering and loving yourself and loving your life. You can listen on Apple or Spotify. The playlist is called Divine Woman. Until next time, my dears, I want you to know that you are never too much. You are never too late. Never. And you don't have to figure it out all alone. I'll be right here every Wednesday and Friday. May you be happy and free. May our healing ripple hour to bless this world with happiness and freedom. Take care, take care of you, and I'll see you soon. Bye bye.