LATE DIAGNOSIS SERIES: Telling Family After Late Diagnosis

I explore how to decide whether to tell partners, kids, parents, and siblings about a late ADHD or autism diagnosis, and how to protect your peace. 

• who to tell and why based on safety and motive
• building support before sharing vulnerable info
• partner conversations and practical accommodations
• talking to kids by age with simple language
• parents and siblings, scripts and boundaries
• handling disbelief, stereotypes and passive aggression
• grief for the family you wanted and acceptance

**ABOUT ME**

I’m Autumn Moran - Licensed Professional Counselor, yoga instructor, life coach, and a neurodivergent, trauma-experienced woman who helps other neurodivergent, trauma-experienced women heal.

The goal of this podcast is to help women like myself and my clients not feel alone, hopeless, or helpless - and to create community where we can heal together.

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EPISODES MENTIONED:

Setting Boundaries Episode: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467345/episodes/17182211-why-it-s-so-hard-to-set-boundaries-and-how-to-start-anyway

Setting Boundaries Episode: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2467345/episodes/18195112-when-your-family-doesn-t-understand-setting-boundaries-around-holidays-special-events-and-expectations-and-traditions

Episode to learn & share:

Transcript

Welcome, Purpose, And Community

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women, a place where your voice matters, your body is sacred, and your journey home to yourself is honored, no matter how winding the road. I'm Ana Moran, licensed professional counselor, yoga instructor, a life coach, a neurodivergent trauma experience woman who helps other neurodivergent and trauma experience women heal. And your host for today. Any day that this episodes are posted, I'm the host. The goal of this podcast is very simple. It is here for women like myself and my clients so that you don't feel alone, hopeless, or helpless. And to also create community because healing together is more powerful than healing isolated. If you like what you hear and want to dive deeper, let's work one-on-one together. Simply click the link in the show notes and then fill out the form to have a 15-minute consultation for free. And looking ahead in honor of my less hustle and more presence goal, my vision, part of that vision is hosting group therapy programs for healing women. Groups will be a safe space to heal, explore, and create community. What am I offering? These are what I'm thinking of. These are the groups that I have worked in before, programs that I have created based off of my experience and education. And yeah, I really enjoyed working in adult group therapy when I worked in the psychiatric hospital. It was really, really fun, really rewarding. So there's a somatic healing group. So that's just heads and bodies getting together, body movement, nervous system regulation, and just lots of healing practices. There are a trauma recovery group, a sexual trauma healing group. There are two differences. So I would, if you're specifically sexual trauma, I'd love to have a good sexual trauma healing group for women and also a good trauma recovery group for people outside of sexual trauma. And then, of course, it would not be amiss if I did not have a late diagnosis support group for women diagnosed with ADHD or autism or both in adulthood. We'll do a little bit more deep dive of what I'm doing on this series. So imagine this series as a guideline, but more in depth. If you're interested in any of these groups, hit the link in the show notes and fill out the join the group therapy wait list to let me know you're interested. But whether you work with me one-on-one, join a future program for group therapy, or just listen to this podcast. You're not alone. We're building something here, a community of women who get it, who've been through it, and who are healing together. New episodes are now every Wednesday, so be sure to subscribe so you never miss one. And if today's episode resonates with you, I'd be so grateful if you'd share it with someone who needs to hear it, or simply leave a comment because this helps the podcast get discovered. It helps other women find this space, and it helps other people know that they're not alone in their healing. Check out my link tree in my show notes. I've added a few things. I've got some playlists on there for some empowering music. That's not your general music you hear on the radio or mainstream. It's really positive and healing music. Buy me a coffee if you want a membership. If you want the bonus episodes that I've taken away, then please let me know if that resonated with you. And we can do some memberships, and I can do some bonus episodes for you. Last throat clearing. Let me get some water. Everybody get prepared. We're about to dive in. Episode three of the late diagnosis series. And today, this episode is about telling your family. But I want to be really clear from the start. You don't have to tell them. This is your diagnosis, your information, your choice. If your family isn't safe, if they won't understand, if telling them would cause more harm than good, you don't owe them this information. We're going to talk about telling partners, kids, both young and adult, telling parents and siblings. We're going to talk about best case and worst case scenarios. And we're going to talk about when not to tell, because sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to keep this information away from people who will weaponize it. And I'm speaking in general terms. You're not alone if this is your experience. Everyone in my immediate life knows about my diagnosis. My kids know. It took them time to accept it, which I'll get into. But now we have this shared language. We can say this is my autism. I'm not mad. I'm overwhelmed. And we all understand what that means. But my family of origin, they know nothing about me. And they never will because they're not safe. They would laugh at me, make fun of me, either behind my back or right to my face, disguised as humor. That's who they are. That's who they were when I knew them. That's how they treated me. That's my lived experience with them. And I wouldn't give them the ammunition if we were still in contact. So this episode is for all of you navigating this question: do I tell? Who do I tell? How do I tell? And what do I do when it goes badly? So before you have any conversations, I want to talk about some questions I'd like you to ask yourself before sharing. First and foremost, is this person safe? Safe doesn't just mean they won't physically harm you. Safe means they've shown they can hold your vulnerable information with care, that they don't use your struggles against you, they don't minimize or gaslight you, they have capacity to support you. They won't tell other people without your permission, and they won't make it about themselves. If someone has a history of invalidating you, mocking you, or using your vulnerabilities as weapons or making everything about themselves, they're not safe. Don't tell them. Next question to ask yourself why do you want to tell them? Get clear on your motivation. Do you need their support? Do you want them to understand you better? Are you hoping for validation or an apology for how they treated you? Do you need accommodations from them? Are you trying to repair the relationship? Do you just want them to know? Some of these motivations are more realistic than others. If you're hoping your parents will apologize for decades of misunderstanding you, that might not happen. If you need your partner to understand why you need certain accommodations, that's reasonable. Be honest about what you're hoping for so you can prepare for what you might actually get. Third question: What's the worst that could happen? Really think about this. What if they don't believe you, say you're making excuses, mock you, tell you everyone struggles and you're not special, maybe use it against you later, might tell other people, might make it about them, demand you fix yourself. Can you handle those responses? Do you have support in place if it goes badly? Are you prepared to set boundaries if they respond harmfully? And then the opposite question is next. What's the best that could happen? Because I want you to also imagine the best case. They believe you, they're supportive, they ask how they can help, they want to learn more, they apologize for not seeing it sooner. Your relationship improves. Because this can happen. I've seen it. But please don't count on it as the only acceptable outcome. Do you have support regardless of their response? Before you tell family, make sure you have other supports in place: a therapist, a friend who gets it, online communities, anyone who can hold you if your family responds badly. There's a plane going over very low, very rare. I don't know if you can hear that in the background. Don't make your family's response the determining factor in whether you're okay. Have other people who already see and support you in your back pocket. And last question. You well, it's a statement. You don't have to tell everyone at once. You can tell some people and not others. You can tell your partner, but not your parents. You can tell your kids, but not your siblings. You can tell one parent, but not the other. This is your information. You get you get to control who has access to it. So now we're gonna tell. Let's start with telling our partner because this is often the first and most important conversation. Why telling your partner matters. I mean, is it obvious? I don't know. Your partner lives with you, right? They see your struggles. They're affected by your neurodivergence, whether they know that's what it is or not. Telling them gives them context for why you shut down sometimes, why you need alone time, why you struggle with certain tasks, why you're exhausted, why you have big reactions, why you need things a certain way. It can transform your relationship from a why are you like this to oh, this is how your brain works. Let's figure out how to work with it. So pick the right time, not during a fight, not when either of you are stressed or exhausted. When you have time to talk without interruption, when you're regulated enough to have the conversation. Start with the basics. You're still learning what it means. This is your diagnosis, but it explains a lot about why you've struggled with XYZ. And give them context. This isn't new. I've always been this way, but now I have a name for it, and I'm learning how to work with my brain instead of against it. And then you need to tell them what you need if you can identify. I need you to understand that this is neurological, not a choice. I need accommodations, not criticism. I need support, not judgment. And then give them resources. Send them articles, videos, podcasts. There is a good episode on ADHD, autism, and odd HD and trauma. I will link it in the show notes. It's a good episode to share for anyone that is like, what's what? Help them understand what neurodivergence is. Just not at what it actually is, not the stereotypes. And prepare for their response. Best case, yeah. Best case is they're supportive, ask questions, apologize if they've been unsupportive in the past. Common case, they're confused, need time to process, may have a lot of questions, might be defensive about past conflicts. Worst case, they don't believe you, say you're making excuses, refuse to make accommodations, use it against you. If they respond badly, I need you to set a boundary. I need you to take this seriously. This is real. I'm not making excuses. If you can't support me with this, we need to talk about whether this relationship works. This is not an ultimatum. This is about having your partner who's supposed to see you and accept you for who you are, not seeing you and accepting you for who you are. So if they can't do that, we need to talk because this is who I am. And it's not that something I can heal, but it's something I can accommodate. And then please follow through. If your partner refuses to believe you or accommodate you, that's information about whether they're capable of being in a relationship with the real you. If they respond well, let them help, let them learn with you, build new systems together, be patient as they adjust their understanding of you. Because sometimes, a lot of the times, if you're a neurotypical cohabitating with another person, i.e., your partner or partners, they're probably neurodivergent too. Depending on how resistant they are to that about them, it may take them time to come around and process. I mean, my kids took time to accept my diagnosis, but as they learn more, as they recognize their own neurodivergence, we develop this shared language. We can now say, Oh, I'm overwhelmed, I'm spinning out, I'm spiraling, or the noise is too loud, like I'm sensory overload, I'm about to flip out. Like they understand this is my autism. I'm not mad at you. I'm overwhelmed. And that's the goal with your partner, too. Shared understanding, mutual accommodation, y'all working together. So now let's talk about telling your children, which looks different depending on their age. Telling your children under the age of 12, keep it simple and age appropriate. Mom's brain works a little differently than some other people's brains. That's why I insert a specific example they've noticed, like needing quiet time, get overwhelmed by loud noises, forget things sometimes. It's called ADHD, it's called autism, it's called ADHD and autism. Normalize it for them. Lots of people have brains that work differently. It's not bad, it's just different. And it means I need to do some things differently to help my brain work well. Answer their questions. And again, if you or your partner have children and you're neurodivergent, your children are probably going to be neurodivergent. So what you see, you might have discovered your neurodivergence by filling out forms for your children. That's sometimes a lot of the places where people, parents, get their diagnosis. But answer simply and reassuringly. No, you didn't cause my autism. No, you can't catch it. No, I'm not going to die. It doesn't hurt. But sometimes it makes things harder, then that can be frustrating. Let them know how they can help. When I say I need quiet time, that's my brain needing a break. You can help by playing quietly or in another room. When I seem upset, you can ask, are you mad at me or is your brain overwhelmed? That helps me remember to explain what's happening. And this can open the doors earlier for them to start accommodating them more. As you learn to accommodate yourself, or as you're learning to accommodate your child, it might be intertwined. You might be learning accommodations side by side as you're going along. And that's okay. Tweens, teens, be more detailed. You know, my brain processes differently, executive functioning, sensory input, social situations. I mean, what tween or teen doesn't know about neurodivergence right now? Pretty schooled in it, pretty know it all. So they might even say, duh, I told you, duh, I've seen it for ages, Ma. I'm neurodivergent too. Like you might have already figured out that they were neurodivergent, but now you're coming into your own. It can be a little messy. But if they don't know, acknowledge how it affects them. I know sometimes my struggles have affected you. When I've been overwhelmed or short-tempered or forgetful, I'm working on understanding my brain better so I can be more present for you. Invite their questions, help them understand how it might affect them too, how that is genetic, if they've been struggling with similar things. You can explore what whether they might be neurodivergent too, because it just means we all get support. And telling your adult children, start with honesty. Acknowledge the impact on your parenting. I know there were times when I wasn't the parent you needed, when I was overwhelmed or checked out or short-tempered. A lot of that was undiagnosed neurodivergence. I did the best I could with what I knew, but I'm sorry for the ways my struggles affected you. Don't make it their job to comfort you. This isn't about them taking care of your feelings. This is about giving them context. Give them time. They might need to be pro, they might be angry, they might not believe you. Let them have their feelings. And then they'll pro let them process. And then watch for recognition in them. As they learn about this, they might recognize it in themselves if y'all haven't already. And what happens? It took time. Like it took time with my kids. Kind of sort of. They kind of knew, kind of didn't. They're intelligent people, but they also weren't mentally health educated. So it was it was slow to grasp, but once they grasp it now, a couple years, few years, five years down the road, we make jokes. We have family autism jokes. We have family neurodivergent jokes. And if your adult adult kids react badly, they might think you're making excuses for past behavior, feel angry about what they didn't get from you. Maybe they don't believe you. Maybe they minimize it. Give them space, offer resources, set boundaries if they're being cruel, but also understand they might need time to process their own feelings and their childhood. What about telling your parents and siblings? Now we get to the hardest part. Telling your parents and siblings. The people who have known you your whole life. But never saw you. Your parents and siblings have a whole narrative about you, a story they've been telling for decades, and your diagnosis challenges that story. If you were the lazy one and now you have ADHD, their story is wrong. If you were the antisocial one and now you're autistic, their story is wrong. If you were the dramatic one and now you have sensory processing differences, their story is wrong. And people, elders, don't like to be wrong. Especially about something they've been wrong about for decades. So, best case scenario, sometimes parents validate, oh my God, that makes so much sense. Sometimes they have remorse. I'm so sorry we didn't see this sooner. Sometimes they're curious. Tell me more. How can we support you? And sometimes there's recognition. Actually, I think I might be neurodivergent too. This happens. I've seen it with clients. When parents are emotionally mature and genuinely care about understanding you, they can receive this information and let it shift how they see you. When it goes badly, which is common with the older generations, you get gaslighting. No, you're not. You're fine. You're just making excuses. Maybe invalidated. Everyone struggles with that. You're not special. I have that too. Your Uncle Mark has it. He ain't got it. Maybe they minimize. That's not a real diagnosis. Doctors just hand those out now. Everybody's got ADHD. Dismissal. You turned out fine. Why does it matter? Defensiveness. We did the best we could. Are you blaming us? Oof, passive aggressive comments. Constantly subtle digs disguised as jokes or concern. And then using it against you, bringing it bringing it up in arguments or to explain away your valid feelings. This is the worst case, but it's common. Especially from parents who don't want to examine their own role in your struggles. You know, boomer, boomer-like mentality. So, like, back to my family of origin, right? I've I've I haven't been in communication with them since my diagnosis or when I was late diagnosed. But they were still in my atmosphere and still I had no desire to reach out and ask for common ground or validation or to share. It didn't even make me think it would help. But because I know exactly what would happen. Like I said earlier, they would laugh at me. They would use it as proof that something is wrong with me. They would weaponize it against me. I have set many a times them making fun of people that just walked out of the door, that just walked away from us, that were our own blood. And I can remember being a kid and thinking, if they do this to them, what the fuck are they saying about me? Because sometimes they make fun of me right to my face and treat me like I am nothing. So, you know, they won't get it. That's who they are. That's the dynamic. And that's just how it is. They don't have to know anything about me now, and that's how it's going to stay. So you don't have to tell. If you feel like people are unsafe, you don't have to tell. You can just make boundaries for yourself, accommodate yourself when it comes to how much you interact with them. That can be scary because I may be talking about mom or dad here, right? Like you're creators, and that's huge. You can't just not talk to your mom and dad, even if they're dysfunctional, somewhat borderline abusive or outright abusive, right? But you can. It's hard as hell. But so is staying in a relationship where you're not seen, heard, or validated and constantly dismissed, made fun of, or just made to feel like something's wrong with you. Choose your hard, sis. Choose the hard that's going to get you to the life that you want to have. And that may mean making some hard choices. So if you decide to tell them, choose your method in person, phone call, letter, email, through a number, another family member who's supportive. Keep it simple. I was diagnosed with XYZ. It explains a lot why I struggled with whatever you struggle with. I'm learning how to work with my brain and wanted you to know. Set immediate boundaries. I'm not looking for advice or opinions about whether the diagnosis is valid. I'm telling you because I want you to know. I need you to respect this information. Have some responses ready if you think there's going to be pushback. This is a professional diagnosis based on thorough assessment. I understand this might be hard for you to hear, but this is my reality. I'm not interested in debating whether this is real. It is. If you can't be supportive, I need you to at least be respectful. Watch their responses closely. Their responses will tell you whether they're safe people to have moving forward. If they believe you, support you, want to learn more, are confused but willing to listen, dismiss you, mock you, gaslight you. Okay, those are all the options. If they believe you, support you, want to learn, they're safe. If they're confused but willing to listen, potentially safe, give them time. If they dismiss, mock, and gaslight, guess what? Not safe. So when they respond badly, I want you to set a boundary. I told you this to help you understand me better. If you're going to mock me or minimize this, I won't be discussing it with you again. Or if you can't be respect respectful about this, we'll need to limit our contact. Follow through. If they keep invalidating you, stop telling them things. Create distance. Protect yourself. I don't care who it is. I don't care if it was Mother Teresa, the Pope, Gandhi, Ala, whomever, if they were sitting there and gaslighting you and mocking you and minimizing, make some distance. They are not who, they're not safe people. You don't owe them access to you if they're going to harm you with it. And you may have to consider going low contact all the way up to no contact. If you get gaslit, mocked, or weaponized, that's information about whether they're safe people to keep in your life. You are allowed to walk away from families that harm you. I don't say this because I'm like, hey, I did it. You can do it too. Let's all get on this bandwagon. I say this because I know what it feels like to be in relationships that make you feel like what the flying fuck is this. And that hurts. And it's so disconnecting and such a huge mindfuck. Like you love me, but you treat me this way. That's not love. I am not a religious person. I don't tout living by the Bible. But the one thing I can pull out of that book that never fails is the definition of love. I think it's Corinthians something, something. Love is patient, kind, understanding, does not boast. It goes on and on. It's a whole little paragraph about what love is. And if they're not doing that, get them the fuck out of your boundaries. Get them the fuck out of your life. Like minimize contact because they are, you're in a battle with people, and you shouldn't be. People shouldn't be mistreating you or making you feel like you're less than or not good enough. I went on a tangent. I am sorry. I'm simply saying you're allowed to walk away from anyone that is harming you. Heart, body, mind, spirit. So when not to tell, I want to be clear about when you should not tell family members. I want you to not tell them if you have a history, if they have a history of using your vulnerabilities against you, if they've ever used your struggles, fears, or sensitive information as ammunition and arguments, or in discussions with people and they ended up hurting you, they will do it with this too. If they have gaslit you, if they regularly deny your reality, tell you you're too sensitive, or make you question your own reality, if you ever think, am I fucking crazy? Did that not happen? You are getting gaslit unless you have some sort of like mental decline. Because they're they're suddenly not going to believe your diagnosis. They're just not. What if they make everything about them? If they turn every conversation into how it affects them, they'll make your diagnosis about their feelings and you'll end up comforting them. Yuck. How about mocking or belittling you? If humor in your family involves making fun of people, putting them down, or roasting, that actually hurts. That is meanness disguised as humor. That's not true humor. And they'll use your diagnosis this way too. I said a little bit about this, but sharing your private information. If they can't keep your things confidential, they'll tell everyone whether you want them to or not. And if they're emotionally abusive, if they're cruel, manipulative, or controlling, this gives them more ways to be cruel, manipulative, and controlling. Do not give them fuel. Don't tell if you're hoping for an apology, they won't give. If you're hoping for validation, they're not capable of giving. If they've never been able to validate you, they're not going to be able to do it now. Don't tell if you're hoping for understanding they don't want to have. Some people are hell bent on being who they are and believing what they believe and never want to take in new information or reconsider life in any way. They're hell bent on misunderstanding you because their way of life is the only way. And if you were wrong, you are the devil. Don't tell if you're hoping for a relationship transformation they're not willing to do. This is not going to be the catalyst that all of a sudden makes the emotionally immature parent emotionally available. If anything, it'll bog them down deeper in their emotional immaturity. Please, I say all this not to be like you against them or anything like this. I say all this because I don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment by expecting people to be who they've never been. If telling them puts you at risk financially, emotionally, physically, don't tell them. Your safety matters more than their right to know. Even if they're family, even if they ask, even if they're hurt, you didn't tell them, you don't owe anyone this information. This is your diagnosis, your information, your choice. You can make boundaries and accommodations for yourself without ever letting anyone know your diagnosis. You are allowed to be selectively vulnerable. You are allowed to protect yourself. If you've ever watched Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the episode where Dennis is at Dee's house and he's asking her to pill him an apple, and Mac won't let him eat appleskins. He's like, I'm not allowed. I'm not allowed to eat appleskins. You are allowed to protect yourself. You are allowed. All right, so let's talk about what to do when someone that you tell doesn't believe you. You don't seem autistic, you don't seem ADHD. Bitch, because I've been masking my whole life. Because the stereotypes are based on boys, because I learned to hide my struggles. Let's not invalidate me. But you're so successful, so smart, so functional. Because neurodivergent people can be all those things. Because you've been working three times as hard to compensate. Because functioning doesn't mean not struggling. I can make it look good, but boy, is it fucking hard. Oh, everyone struggles with that. That's that old, everyone's got ADHD now. I just want to punch people in the face. Because they don't want to see that you struggle more. Because they don't want to feel guilty for not helping. Because acknowledging your difference means acknowledging they missed it. And oh my gosh, let's not let our ego get in the way. People are ruled by their egos. Me, me, me. I can't be wrong. I can't change information. What I say goes. Like, stop digging in, folks. Be flexible. Always be flexible in mind, right? Elders, please always be flexible in mind. Learn new information. Research it. Find the evidence. And if the evidence disputes what you have believed, change it. I'm a little snarky today. I don't know where this came from. Um, but yeah, I'm not trying to pick on anybody, but you know, just because you miss something doesn't mean you're a horrible person. You can just apologize and move forward. Oh, you're just making excuses because it's easier to blame you than to examine the system that failed you. Because if it's not a real diagnosis, then they don't have to feel bad about how they treated you. How do you respond, my dears? I want you to respond with facts, with boundaries, with consequences, and by ending the conversation. So with facts, I was professionally assessed. This is my medical diagnosis based on the DSM 5. Whether you believe it doesn't change that it's true. With your boundary, I'm not trying to convince you. I'm informing you. If you can't accept this, we won't discuss it. With consequences. If you continue to dismiss my diagnosis, I will limit our conversations slash maybe contact. And then end the conversation. I can see this isn't landing with you. I'm not going to keep explaining myself. I'm done with this conversation. What not to do, my dears? Don't keep trying to convince them. Just stop. Write it in your journal. Talk to AI if you have to, phone a friend, call the crisis line because FYI, a crisis mental health line, does not mean you have to call it if you're suicidal. If you are having a really hard emotional moment, 988 is a good internet national crisis line that you can talk to someone, a real human. I test this one every once in a while just to see how they're doing. It's been taken over the holidays, it took a little bit to connect with someone, but it is a good resource. So try 988 if 741-741 is taking too long. But text or phone, you've got options. When things get heavy, you don't have to be suicidal. You don't have to want to end your life. You can just be having a hard moment. It's a free resource. Let it be part of your support system. Okay. What not to do? Back on it. Don't try to convince them. Don't share more vulnerable information, hoping they'll finally understand. Don't keep giving them more shit. If they don't react kindly the first go-round, don't have a round two. Don't have a second round of explanation or a second round of convincing them that you're that it's true. Don't tolerate being told you're making excuses or you're being dramatic. Do not. Do not sacrifice your peace trying to make them believe you. So some people will never believe you, even with professional assessments, even with clear evidence, even when it's obvious, because believing you would require them to change their story about you, and they're not willing to do that. Let them be wrong. You don't need their validation for your diagnosis to be real. And even if family members don't outright reject your diagnosis, they might make passive aggressive comments. So how do you handle those? Here's some common passive aggressive comments. Must be nice to have an excuse for everything. What they mean, you're making excuses. Your response. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation. And I'm not discussing this with you if you're going to be dismissive. We all have our quirks. What they mean? You're not special. Everyone struggles. Response. This isn't a quirk. This is a neurological difference. If you can't take it seriously, we're done talking about it. How about this one? I wish I could just call everything a disorder when it's inconvenient. What they mean? You're pathologizing normal struggles. Response. That's incredibly dismissive. I won't be sharing anything with you if this is how you respond. This is the one I've said. This is the one that really just sets me on fire. Well, I think everyone's a little ADHD or autistic these days. What they mean, your diagnosis isn't real, it's trendy. Your response. That's not how diagnosis works, and it's clear you're not interested in understanding this, so let's change the subject. Dumbass. Just kidding. Don't say that. Maybe if you've tried harder, ate better, exercised more, you wouldn't need a label. What they mean. This is your fault. And you can fix it with sheer willpower. Response. It's neurological, not behavioral, and frankly, that comment is exactly why I hesitated to tell you. Asshole. JK, don't say asshole. Oh, so now I have to walk on eggshells around you? What they mean? You're being difficult and demanding. Your response? Nope. You just have to be respectful. If that feels like walking on eggshells, that's information about how you've been treating me. I want you to handle these comments by calling them out directly. Naming the pattern, setting the consequence, and following through. And then at the very end, protect yourself. So call them out directly. That comment was dismissive and hurtful. I need you to stop. Name the pattern. Every time I've tried to tell you about this, you've made a sarcastic comment. If you can't be supportive, don't comment at all. Set a consequence. If you make another comment like that, I'm leaving, hanging up, not seeing you for a while. Follow through. If they keep doing it, actually leave, actually hang up, create some distance. Real distance. And protect yourself. You don't have to subject yourself to passive aggressive cruelty disguised as humor or concern. If someone can't be respectful, limit their access to you. I've got some episodes on boundaries, on how to make boundaries, intro to boundaries. I will put those in the show notes as well so that you can maybe start working on boundary creation, maybe before, during, or after the late diagnosis. So what happens when you get the response that you didn't want? Not the response that you hope for. That's grief. You're grieving a family that you wish you had. You wanted a family that would say, Oh my God, we're so sorry, we didn't see this, instead of you're making excuses. You're grieving a family that would want to learn and understand instead of dismiss and mock.

SPEAKER_00 42:21

Support instead of gaslight.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

You wanted telling them to bring you closer, to help them finally see you, to repair decades of misunderstanding. But instead it created more distance, more hurt, more proof that they can't or won't see you. Maybe you hoped this would be the thing that finally made them realize they've been wrong about you, that they'd apologize, that they'd become different people with you. But they didn't, and they won't. You wanted them to get it, to understand what you've been through, to validate your struggles, but they can't or won't. And that fucking hurts. So how do you grieve this? I want you to feel it. You're allowed to be devastated that your family responds badly. You're allowed to cry and rage and feel the full weight of that loss. And I'm not saying this is for everybody. Like they may respond well. I'm not trying to be doom and gloom. I'm just trying to be realistic and helpful here. I don't want you to minimize it. This is a real loss. Don't tell yourself at least blah, blah, blah, or it could be worse. It hurts. Let it hurt. And lean on people who do get it. Your chosen family, your friends, your therapists, online communities, support groups. If you don't have family of origin support, create the support from different people. Grieve the relationship you wanted and really and accept the relationship you have. You wanted parents or siblings who would understand and support you. You have parents or siblings who invalidate and dismiss you. That's the reality. Grieve the fantasy and accept the reality. Consider distance or no contact. If their response to your diagnosis is harmful, you're allowed to limit or end contact. You're not obligated to keep trying with people who hurt you.

SPEAKER_00 44:26

So what helps regardless of their response?

SPEAKER_01 44:33

I want you to have other people in place before you tell them. Don't make your family's response be the determining factor in whether you're okay. Have people who already support you so their response doesn't destroy you. Set boundaries immediately. I need you to take this seriously. I won't tolerate dismissive comments. This isn't up for debate. If you can't be supportive, don't comment on it. You do not need to overexplain or justify shit. Full stop. You don't need to convince them. You don't need to prove it. You told them, that's enough. If they don't believe you, if they don't take it seriously, that's their limitation, not yours. And if they've responded badly, stop telling them things. Share nothing vulnerable. You tried, they showed you who they are, believe them. Find your people. I can't say this enough. Again, neurodivergent friends, chosen family, support groups, online communities. You don't have to do this alone just because your biological family isn't safe. Our partner. I'm not even I'm ignoring the fact that maybe your partner doesn't validate, weaponizes it against you, doesn't accommodate.

SPEAKER_00 46:05

Just remember that their response doesn't determine your worth.

What Helps Regardless Of Response

SPEAKER_01 46:09

Whether they believe you, support you, understand you, none of that determines whether your diagnosis is valid or whether you're worthy of care. You're worthy regardless of their response. And I want you to give yourself credit because telling people takes courage. You are being honest and vulnerable. However, they respond is about them, not you. You're doing the brave thing. You're telling your truth. That matters. Oof. So that's telling your family. The best case scenarios and the worst case scenarios, the hope and the grief, the courage it takes and the boundaries you need. Some of you will tell your family and it will go fabulously. And I'm so happy for you. My heart swells for those that are just open and flexible. It just gives me faith in the world. They'll support you, want to learn, help you advocate for yourself. That's beautiful, beautiful when it happens. And some of you will tell your people and it will go badly. They'll dismiss you, mock you, gaslight you, use it against you. And that sucks. That's devastating. And I am so incredibly sorry if you experience that. And some of you won't tell your family at all because you know they're not safe. That's wisdom, self-protection, and that's also 100% allowed. However, this goes for you, whether you tell them or don't, whether they respond well or badly, you're making the right choice for you with the information you have. You don't owe anyone access to your vulnerable information. You're allowed to protect yourself. You're allowed to grieve when they don't respond the way you hoped. And you're also so very much allowed to walk away from family, friends, partners that harm you. And you're allowed to build a chosen family who gets it, who supports it, who sees you for who you actually are. You're allowed. You're allowed to make a chosen family. In the next episode, we're going to talk about autistic and ADHD burnout after late diagnosis, why it happens and how to recover. Because once you know what you're dealing with, you can start actually healing instead of just surviving. I'd love to hear from you. If you've got a question, message me. Want to help more women hear this episode and support me by helping my podcast grow? Please comment, please leave a review, please share it. This helps me show up in searches. If you want to work with me in private, please use the Link Tree link in the show notes, fill out the consultation form. I work with women every day, including women who are late diagnosed, sexual trauma survivors, trauma survivors. I offer life coaching that complements talk therapy. So body mind, it's a somatic program. What you need, what you need. I got what you need. I got what you need. Yeah, I'm not a singer. But yeah, reach out, check out my link tree in the show notes, see all the goodies I have. Please click on either the Apple or Spotify playlist for Divine Woman. That is a large selection of songs that are just very uplifting, empowering, supportive, something you need to hear on good days, hard days, and in between. Until next time, I want you to know that you are never too much, you are never too late, and you don't have to figure it out all alone. I am here every Wednesday just for you. And also, if you want to have the bonus episodes, I am creating a membership. If I get people that want to do a membership and you really like the bonus episodes, we'll do bonus episodes, a couple of bonus episodes a month with that membership. You can donate to the podcast, helps me buy equipment, helps me buy books, helps me pay you for the platform, whatever. I'm just here trying to provide a podcast without commercials. So these are my commercials. But all right. Thank you for listening. I appreciate any shares, any likes, or just listening. May you be happy and free. May our healing ripple outward to bless the world with happiness and freedom. Take care of you, and take care of your awakened heart. And I'll see you soon.