BONUS EPI: When You Have No One: The Loneliness No One Talks About

We sit with the heavy reality of baseline loneliness and the specific ache of being unseen by people who are supposed to feel like family. We reframe “why not me?” through the lens of family systems, grief, and nervous system safety, then map a slow path toward real connection. 

• the difference between feeling lonely and living alone as a baseline 
• how family estrangement and emotional neglect create invisibility 
• why seeing others get loved makes it feel personal 
• family systems and unspoken rules that keep patterns in place 
• the mantra that shifts shame into clarity 
• grief for what you never had and why it still counts 

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This 6-week therapy group is designed for high-functioning women who:

• Feel chronically on edge or emotionally shut down
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• Want practical nervous system regulation tools
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Group Details:

• 6 weeks

• 90 minutes weekly

• Limited to 5 women

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Good Music for Healing

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You’re not alone. 

We’re healing together.

Transcript

Welcome And Who This Is For

SPEAKER_01 0:08

Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women. This is a space where your voice matters, where your body is sacred, and your healing will never ever be rushed, nor will I ever ever minimize it. I'm Autumn Ran, licensed professional counselor, life coach, yoga instructor, neurodivergent, trauma experience women who spends all my free time, my hobbies, my career, my passions trying to help women like yourself be seen, heard, understood, and to also give you a space to heal outside of the therapy room, outside of your therapy appointment. I just want to help you have knowledge, tools, and the space and the feeling of empowerment to help you heal so that you can live the life that you deserve, that you dream of, that is so, so attainable. Okay, today's episode is a bonus episode. It is a vulnerable episode. This is for the women, the men, if you're out there. I I have I've noticed that there are some men that gravitate toward my message, but not all, and that's okay. I'm not for everyone. But whomever you are, if you're out there and you have no one, no one to call, no one to lean on, no one to text when something good happens. No one's safe, maybe. Maybe you have plenty of people, but if you text them, hey, I'm doing this, or hey, look at my car, it wouldn't be a nice, welcoming, supportive response. It would come with some sort of consequence or some weirdness. You know, or when things are falling apart. You have no one to go to that can give you sage advice or compassion or space or understanding. It's just maybe toxic, dysfunctional, are just completely absent and out there, minimizing and validating. Maybe you have family, but they don't feel like family. Maybe they are all alive, but you don't exist in their world. Sometimes we are alone for so long that it doesn't even feel abnormal anymore. But also, that's crazy because it's something to be said about excommunicating yourself from family members or lifelong friends or longtime friends. Yeah, they they leave your your life, they leave your mind, they leave you, but there's always moments, there can be moments that bring you back and remind you like, wow, they don't fucking care. They don't care about me. That's so fucking heavy. Because if they cared, I would have heard from them by now, or they would have visited me by now, or they would have made better efforts to understanding me by now, not disrespecting me so much, or walking all over me, or just invalidating me, yada yada yada. So, like if this is just your life of just a feeling of loneliness, hard to kind of have anyone to really go to, I want you to know you're not the only one living this way. There's a difference between being lonely sometimes and being alone in a way that becomes your baseline. This isn't like me saying, Oh, I'm so lonely this weekend on Friday night, I have nothing to do. This is more like a I've been doing life alone for so long, I can't remember any other way. Kindness feels suspicious. Overly conf people feel major suspicious. This is the kind of loneliness where you don't have a person, you don't have a safe place to land, but with yourself, you have no one who knows your inner world. Just you. Just you, yourself, and you. Over time, we adapt, we learn to entertain ourselves. Hopefully, at this point, you've learned to self-soothe. If not, let me know. I will do an episode on self-soothing. If you need that, if you say what the fuck is self-soothing, like, bitch, get out of here. Like, I'll just do what the fuck I'm gonna do, please. Message me, send me a what's a good emoji? A fire emoji. Like, there's fire. I need to put this fire out. Help me put this fire out. I will do something on self-soothing. Maybe you've learned to stop expecting people to show up. Like you're just self-contained, like you look strong from the outside, but on the inside, there's like this ache that says, I wasn't meant to do life like this. This sucks. I mean, it's a very specific kind of pain, especially when it comes from having family who don't act like family. People who are alive, who exist, who could reach out to you, and they simply don't. And it just creates this internal belief: I don't matter. I'm unlovable. Right? Because family is supposed to be the place where your existence is acknowledged, your well-being matters. Like people notice when you struggle and they help you. And when that doesn't happen, it doesn't just create loneliness, it creates a feeling of invisibility. And that can feel like I don't exist to the people who are supposed to see me. If the ones that are supposed to see me don't see me, then gosh, who's gonna see me? Sometimes the family's not disconnected, right? It would be one thing if like the whole family was fragmented. But sometimes they have an easy, perfect time loving each other, but they just don't love you. They don't love me. What is that? That hits so fucking hard. You want to talk about hitting differently, that's hitting differently. Because if they were just distant, if no one talked to anyone, it would still hurt, no doubt. But it would make fucking sense. But when you're watching them show up for each other, support each other, stay close, never stray, remaining part and like remaining in each other's life, lives, and then there's you, there's us on the outside, doing our things solo. I'd like to bet most of the time, 99.9%. I don't know shit about shit, but I'm guessing they're not safe people to begin with. But still, it hurts, it creates a very specific kind of pain that makes it feel so incredibly personal. Because your brain understands that they're capable of love, but they're not capable of loving me. Big question mark? What? Exclamation point. And that question, why not me? It makes sense. If people can love, but they don't love you, it feels like the only explanation. There must be something wrong with me, right? And I'm not, I don't want to dismiss that. I don't want to jump in and say, girl, that's not true, blah, blah, blah. I don't want to bypass that, right? Because, like, because it's not just about love, it's about systems. Families are systems, and systems operate on unspoken rules. So, like, if you think about your origin or your group of friends you had to leave, or whoever you had to disconnect yourself from, how were emotions handled? Was it out in the open? Did every was everyone allowed to have an emotion without it being minimized, ridiculed, punished, dismissed, ignored, made fun of? What gets talked about and what doesn't? Is are things that are important, that are systemically important, swept under the rug? Were you the one that refused to sweep shit under the rug? Uh yeah. What feels comfortable versus what gets avoided, right? What do they avoid? Probably serious stuff, probably real emotions, probably human connection. Surface level is probably what feels comfortable. And what role did each person play? Because they all played a role. It's a system. And as long as you stay connected in that system, as long as you fit the patterns, you don't disrupt that emotional dynamic, you remain familiar to the group, you don't make waves, you stay on the inside. The ones that end up on the outside, us, the way we end up on the outside, is because we feel more deeply. We're noticing and acknowledging and vocalizing things that others aren't. We may not naturally align with the way the system functions. We see the holes, we have questions and concerns. So you're not less lovable, not broken, just you don't fit that system. You're not a fit for that system. And instead of adjusting to that system, I mean, instead of the system adjusting to you and to your needs, it maintains itself. It's dug in. We live in a country right now where a large group of people have made choices. And instead of changing them based on new information, current events, they're dug in. Think of that when you think of your family system. They're dug in. They will support pedophiles. Sorry, existential moment, but you know, fuck them all. Fuck them all. All right. So from the outside, it looks like they love each other, but not me. But underneath it, they maintain closeness with people who feel familiar and easy within their pattern. Being excluded from a system does not mean you are less worthy of love. Especially if it's a toxic system, which it typically a hundred percent is sixty percent of the time, every time, type shit, right? Emotionally, this can feel like rejection, not being chosen, not being valued, shit, not being loved. And that is fucking real pain. So I instead of me being like, just understand they're incapable of loving you, which doesn't match your experience because you see them capable of love. So let's let's switch it around a little bit. They are capable of love, but not capable of loving me in the way I need and deserve. I'm gonna say this again because if you want to take notes, if you're taking notes, I'm on my podium banging my hands, stomping my feet. If you don't take anything else away from this episode, take this statement to be your mantra when the loneliness sets in. I'm not about fake it till you make it, but fake this till you make it. It might help you feel a teensy bit less lonely. They are capable of love, but not capable of loving me in the way I need and deserve. It shifts from something is wrong with me to saying there is a mismatch between who I am and what they are able or willing to offer. And that mismatch can exist even in families that appear close.

SPEAKER_00 13:56

You didn't, you're not unlovable. You just weren't met.

A Vulnerable Story And An Invite

Grief For What You Never Had

SPEAKER_01 14:09

This doesn't take away the pain. Because you're still left with, I don't have them, I don't have anyone. The fact that you feel this so deeply, it's you're not asking for surface level connection. You're asking for depth, you're asking for presence, care, consistency, safety, emotional safety. And those are not unreasonable needs, those are healthy, much-needed needs. And sometimes the people who can only function inside familiar, limited patterns systems cannot meet someone like you who needs something deeper. That doesn't make you too much. It means you're just simply wired for a different kind of connection. This experience has names, right? Family estrangement, relational trauma, emotional neglect. I mean, there are so many women walking around, living full lives on the outside, working, showing up, functioning. But underneath it, we don't have a single safe person. So if this is you, I want to say this clearly. This is not rare. It's just rarely talked about. Because we can't be vulnerable like this, then what does that mean about us? We're unlovable. Oh no, she has no friends, or her family left her. Was she good for a partner? Blah, blah, blah. All that social construct shit, that brainwash shit, brainrotch shit that we follow and give a damn about. The truth is we don't want to be lonely anymore. The truth is, if we're gonna get existential about this, we need connection. We need to be together. We need to find like-minded people like us that are good, wholesome, and healthy and want goodness in the world so that we can forgive me for my grandioseness, but overcome the evils of the world. Because the more we're separated, the more we're divided, the less power we have. Acknowledging this, talking about this, bringing it to light so that we can help each other heal and be seen, that makes us stronger in so many ways. When you grow up or live without consistent safe connection, your nervous system adapts. It learns that love isn't reliable, people don't stay, and ultimately that you have to take care of everything yourself if you want anything done. This turns into hyper-independence, not because you don't need people, but no one was there to be relied upon. So you have a difficulty, guess what? Trusting people, being emotionally available, or you long for deep connection, but don't know how to step into that safely. And sometimes quietly, the belief may form that maybe I don't matter, not because it's true, but because it's what your life has shown you. Okay, I'm taking a pause. I've got my my water here. I'm gonna take a sip and then I'm gonna give you a mid-roll just to lighten it up because hell, loneliness is heavy shit. Like, you know, having loneliness, being lonely, and having hormones can be somewhat of a mind fuck sometimes. Because on the day to day, on the all-in-all, I'm a pretty steady gal. But man, some parts of the month the hormones kick in. I'm 45, you know, perimenopausal, never know what's really gonna happen today, or from the day from day to day. But this hit me so hard yesterday. And the one thing I thought of when I was sitting there was that you know what? I am lonely, but I'm not alone. And this is my vulnerable moment because this was a vulnerable episode to write because I wrote it on a day where I felt the lowest. My grief hit me so hard. Just things that have happened in my life that the grief just has hit, hit me so hard. I was like crying in between sessions. It was just a hot mess. I made it through the day. It was huge. I made it through the day, but the winning of it was that really made me feel so deep in my heart seen was that I opened my podcast app and I may have 13 living people that are adults and capable of loving me and seeing, not capable of loving me, but capable of reaching out to me if they wanted to not see me. And I opened up that app and 13 people listened to my episode yesterday. And I know if you're like in podcast, you're like, that's little potatoes. I don't know what people think. To me, that's big potatoes. 13 people chose to listen to me in one day. I'm impressed. I felt seen, I felt held, and I hope that I'm able to give you that in return because it's the little moments like that in the darkest moments that really help me out. It's the small things. So, mid-roll, because if you're listening to this and you're feeling like I'm feeling or you're feeling seen, you feel that ache of that you just don't want to keep doing life like this, I want you to know that there are ways to begin experiencing support that don't feel overwhelming or unsafe. And that's why I am offering my small intentional space for women who are ready to explore connection in a way that honors our nervous systems. No pressure, no performing, just real grounded support. If that's something you like, the enrollment window is open. The women's somatic healing group starts April 21st. Every class is held virtually on Tuesdays from 6 to 7:30. We will talk, we will learn, we will move. It is a$300 investment for six weeks, so that's six one and a half hour sessions. So it ends in May. What else? What else do I have? I I didn't write notes on this. I was just trying to do a mid-roll because you know, girls gotta advertise and let you know what's available. And I never took a sip, so I'm taking a sip now. Those were lots of words. But if it's something you're interested in, I'll talk about it at the end of the episode. And it's in the show notes. So take a breath. Let it all out. Because this is the part that I want to cover when I talk about the grief that came up for me. This grief, it's not just grief for people, it's a grief for what you never had. There's there's the grief, but there's this kind of okay, so grief, there's a lot of grief, right? But grief comes from losing something you had. That's really sad. But there and then there's this kind of grief the grief of where you should have been held. You should your grief of what you needed and it never got fulfilled, or what never came, the grief of what you deserved. So, like, for me, I've lost family. I've I lost mother, father, and then I have I don't speak to any of living relatives. So, like I grieve my mom a lot. She died when I was a child. So I grieve the mom who could have checked on me, who could have noticed when something was off, who could have said, you don't have to handle this alone. So like we grieve the version of the family where you mattered, life mattered, and your well-being mattered. So when you don't have that, it feels very one-sided. It feels like everything's flowing out of you and nothing's flowing back in. You become the one, or you are the one who figures things out, who carries all the weight, who processes everything internally. And there's no one there saying, Hey, how are you? Really? How are you? How can I help you? I see you struggling. Like, let's sit. You want to hug, you want to relax, you want to have a little lunch, you want some silence. What do you need? And that creates a very, very fucking specific ache. It's not loud all the time, like I said. Sometimes it's really quiet and you go through your day-to-day. You're kind of used to it, the rigmarole, right? But sometimes it shows up. When good things happen and there's no one to tell. When something hard happens and there's no one to tell. Maybe when you realize no one is checking in, you're allowed to grieve something you never had, even if no one talks about it, and even if no one understands. Because this kind of grief can be really confusing. There's really no clear event, no funeral, no defined loss, just this ongoing awareness of something is missing and it has always been missing. And maybe you tell yourself, I'm used to it, I'm fine. This is just how it's gonna be. I've I've resigned to being the old cat lady or whatever. It doesn't matter anymore. I can handle this, I've got this. And the grief, I just want you to know the grief doesn't disappear just because you've learned how to function around it. Sometimes it shows up very suddenly in waves of sadness that don't make sense. Hello for me yesterday. Maybe it shows up when you just something happens and you wish you had someone. The younger you didn't have someone to go to, you had to figure it all out early. Maybe, you know, that one phrase, you're so strong. Well, yeah, I didn't choose that. That was just thrusted upon me in order for me to survive. And now that's that's all I know. But gee, thanks. Thanks for your stupid ass compliment. Because the version of you, the version of you that you were as a child, who you were as a child, deserve more. Who you are now, who you've been this whole time has deserved more. And that can really make you feel so sad when it comes up. Not because you're weak, but because you find you just feel that you shouldn't have experienced this.

SPEAKER_00 25:42

This is silly. This is not being dramatic.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

You're not ungrateful, you're not dwelling. You're feeling something very raw and real. Just take a second. Notice your body. Where are you feeling this stuff? When I'm talking about this, when loneliness comes up, where are you feeling it in your body? Throat, chest, face, stomach, hands, are your hands clenched? Shoulders, neck? What about your pelvic floor? Are you s are you is your why can't I think of my body parts? Your kegel muscles, are they clenched or are you relaxed? Clenched are relaxed. If they're clenched, there you go. You're holding some shit. Take a moment just to acknowledge it. Close your eyes if you can.

SPEAKER_00 26:44

Place your hand on your body anywhere just to make some contact. And say this hurts.

Building Safe Connection One Step

SPEAKER_01 26:53

Not because we're about to fix it, not because we're about to change it, but just to witness it. Yes, girl, this hurts. And it really sucks. And I love you, and I'm sorry, and fuck it all sometimes, but this sucks. Because a lot of this is grief that has never been witnessed. And that's what makes the grief so heavy because you've been carrying it alone. When you don't have people to share your life with, you don't just miss connection, you miss being seen. When you're struggling, when you're growing, when you're changing, when something hard happens, when something good happens, when nothing's happening, you miss someone saying, I see what you're carrying. Just because you stopped expecting it at certain points doesn't mean that you don't need it. Your grief makes sense on a very deep level because you are supposed to have support, you're supposed to have people, you're supposed to have someone who cares about how you're doing. Maybe you haven't. Get a grief journal. Spend some time each day or once a week, reflecting on the grief, refract, reflecting on the loss, reflecting on what wasn't there that you did that you needed. Hold space for it in some way, whether journaling, whether body movement. Yeah, I can't think of anything else right now. That was just where I went. Because being used to lonely doesn't mean you're okay with it. It just means you've adapted. You've become, guess what? Dun dun dun dun. You've become stronger in a place where you should be supported. So I'm not gonna tell you, girl, get out there and make friends. Download that app and you go get you a friend. Put yourself out there. Because when you've lived with loneliness for a long time, that kind of advice doesn't land. The shift must be smaller and much slower. It's not going from no one to a deep support system. It's more like going from no one to not completely alone. Maybe one safe connection, one moment of being seen, one person who responds with kindness. And they might feel small, but that's exactly what your nervous system needs to feel safe for goodness to happen. Because when your nervous system isn't used to safe connection, safe can like connection itself can feel unfamiliar and very unsafe. So the path forward is not big, it's not fast, it's not overwhelming. It's gentle. Before deep relationships occur, your nervous system needs safe reps, repetitions, not intense, not vulnerable right away, just safe. A short conversation where you feel a little warmth, making some eye contact and being kind, like someone making eye contact with you and being kind to you. Maybe a moment where you feel acknowledged. So maybe that can look like chatting briefly with someone at a coffee shop, maybe a kind interaction at the gym or a workout class, a moment where someone just responds with you at genuine presence. These moments count. Even if your brain says, oh, that's nothing, for your body, for your nervous system, that is evidence. It is teaching your system that not all connections hurt, not all people disappear, not all interactions cost you something. Let the connections be small. Don't share your story, don't open up immediately, don't be deeply known right away. In fact, go as slow as possible because that makes it safer. You've got plenty of time to unfurl like the beautiful lotus that you are, but take it one small slow pedal at a time. Let connection be brief, light, and hell girl. Let it even be fucking awkward. Because this is not about proving anything other than connection is okay. Not everyone is your person. I want you to notice who feels safe and who doesn't feel safe. When you've been lonely for a long time, it is very tempting to attach to any connection. But you you're but what you're looking for is not intensity, excitement, or extreme chemistry. You're looking for calm, consistent kindness, and emotional safety. I want you to ask yourself, how does my body feel around this person? I don't want you to ask, do they like me? More more questions you need to ask yourself instead of do they like me is do I feel a little more at ease or more on edge? Before seeing them, during seeing them, and after seeing them. Check in with your body. Your body knows and will not lie to you. And even if it's subtle, that's your answer, even if you don't like it. Which you might not like it, because if we don't have clear boundaries, if we don't have clear relationship rules for ourselves and clear engagement rules and know how to spot red flags, we'll want to ignore our body and ride above it and be the exception to the rule. But I'm banging on my podium, stomping my feet right now to tell you there are no exceptions. Red flags are red flags, and red flags mean something. When your body says no, it means no. Listen to it, sis. And I want you to build connections and places that match you. So, like places where your nervous system can stay regulated, where you don't feel like you have to perform. Small group settings. Hey, somatic women's healing group. Women's somatic healing group, I said that wrong. Wellness spaces, you know, there's nothing better than connecting. I don't know if there's nothing better. I really enjoy taking community classes, yoga classes, sound baths, and chit-chatting with people there and meeting people that way because at least we've got that in common, right? We have a common ground to start on, is what I'm meaning. Classroom environments that are structured can be helpful, spaces where conversation isn't forced. So, like silent book club or things like that. Because connection building is more is easy, is easier when your body doesn't feel overwhelmed. And let it be one person, not a big group, not a full support system, not multiple people at once, just one safe person. Because that can take time in and of itself, but it has to be a person who is consistent, kind, and present. And your body might feel awkward, unsure, and slightly on edge. That doesn't mean something is wrong. It just means something is new. So the difference between discomfort, there's a difference between discomfort, new, unfamiliar, stretching, and unsafe, anxious, activated, depleted. And you need to learn that difference.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

That is part of the process. If this feels hard, that's okay.

Support The Show And Closing

SPEAKER_01 35:35

You're building something new you didn't get to build earlier. Take your time, think about it, plan it, and then do it. Because you're not trying to become someone who is good at relationships. You are learning what it feels like to be safe with another human being. And that's a completely different process. And it's one that can happen slowly, gently, and in ways that honor your pace. So if you've been doing this life alone, I see you. You didn't choose this. Maybe you did choose loneliness to feel safe. I know excommunication from family and longtime friends is not an easy decision. It was a decision made out of necessity due to the other person or persons not being safe for you. And even if it's been this way for a long time, it doesn't mean that it has to stay this way forever. You are not alone in this experience, even if it feels like you are. If this episode resonated with you, the best way to support this podcast is to follow, leave a review, or to share it with someone who you feel would enjoy this episode. That helps me reach as many women as I possibly can so that we don't have to heal in silence, so that we can have a place to heal out loud. If you're ready for deeper support, I have the Somatic Healing Group open. Five women, six weeks, 90 minutes a week. This group is for women who are insightful and capable, but find yourself freezing, overexplaining, second guessing when something feels off. We'll focus on nervous system regulation so you can access clarity and confidence from a steady pace. We'll work on boundaries, coping skills, breath work, learning some psychoeducation, some good information to help you create good relationships, to identify red flags, to help create boundaries. Once again, like I said, this is about building confidence from the inside out. We'll talk, we'll learn, we'll move. The full investment is$300 due at enrollment to secure your spot. You can join today. The link is in the show notes. You click on the link tree link, and then the top option is to sign up for the somatic peeling group. The class starts April 21st. Spots are limited to five women. If you prefer to work with me individually, you can also book a free 15-minute consultation at the same length. Everything you need is in the show notes. I also have a couple of links if you want to listen to a good playlist that is empowering for women and just positive and happy. I have options on Apple and Spotify. Check that out in the show notes. Until next time, my dears, I want you to know that you are never too much, never too late, and you don't have to figure it out all alone because I am right here every Wednesday and sometimes Fridays. May you be happy and free. May our healing ripple outward to bless the world with happiness and freedom. Take care of your awakened heart, and I will see you soon.