Your Freeze Response Was Survival Not Consent

We start season two with a slow return to the body and a clear truth: you were not broken and you did not fail. I name numbness and freeze for what they are, explain why survival can look like compliance or dissociation, and share five gentle steps to begin feeling again at your pace. 

• a short grounding to notice breath and tension 
• the core message that your response is survival 
• the spectrum of sexual trauma beyond “movie script” scenarios 
• why guilt and shame cling to freeze and dissociation 
• how fight, flight, freeze, and fawn actually work 
• why numbness is protective and can soften with safety 
• five practical steps to build micro connection 
• letting numbness act as a boundary and honoring “not yet” 
• what the season will explore next, including rage as information 

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Transcript

A Gentle Body Check In

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Welcome to the Awaken Heart, a podcast for healing women. This is a space where your voice matters, your body is sacred, and your healing is never rushed, nor will it ever be minimized. For just a moment, without going too deep, without trying to make it perfect, just notice the air moving in through your nose or your mouth. And the air moving out. Take a breath with me. That's it. Before we go anywhere today, before I jump into trauma or healing or the past, I want you to just notice your body right now. Notice if you're holding tension anywhere. Maybe your jaws. Maybe your tongue is pressed against the roof of your mouth. Park that tongue. Maybe it's in your shoulders. Maybe they're pulled up towards your ears. Maybe it's in your pelvic floor. If you ever stop and just tap in and say, How you doing, pelvic floor? It might be engaged. Maybe it has a hard time softening. Without changing anything, just notice your breath. We're just observing, we're just watching. Notice if there's anything that feels guarded or maybe even numb. I'm not here to say fix this. You don't have to make it go away. Just notice. Welcome to season two of The Awakened Heart, a podcast for healing women. I'm so glad you're here. This is season two. This season is the healing season, specifically healing after sexual trauma coming home to your body. I'm Autumn, your host for today, a licensed professional counselor, and I'm here to help you move along this journey of healing after sexual trauma. And where I want to start, where I'm going to stand on, and I'm going to say it many times, because there's something that we need to hear over and over and over again until it sinks into our bones, into your bones. You were not broken. You did not fail. And nothing about your response to what happened means you were the cause of it, responsible for it. And no matter how you responded in the moment, you were not weak and you were not broken. I know that might feel hard to believe right now. I know there might be a voice in your head saying, but I let it happen. I didn't stop it. I said yes when I meant to say no. I didn't tell anyone. I kept his secret. I put myself in similar situations. All that may be running in your head. But for right now, this season, this season is not about forcing healing. It's not about moving on or getting over it. It is about understanding what your body did to survive and gently and slowly, we're going to learn how to come home to ourselves at your pace, maybe for the very first time. If you're listening and you feel like you're floating or like you are watching your life from behind a glass wall, if you feel like you're functioning, but you aren't really feeling, maybe you're just going through the motions, then you're in the right place. You're not broken, my dear. You are in the numb season, and we're gonna walk through it together. So I'm gonna name the wound, right? The invisible trauma that so many of us have. One in three, three in five, is that what it is? Three out of five women have had sexual trauma. But sometimes the word trauma makes us picture a specific scene. We picture a violent attack, a clear moment of danger, the stranger in the alley. And yes, that is all trauma. That is real and that is fucking devastating. But sexual trauma doesn't always look like that. Sometimes it's quiet. Sometimes it happens in relationships that look loving. It happens in families, workplaces, spiritual communities. Sometimes it's coercion, pressure, manipulation. Sometimes you're intimidated. Sometimes it's not a clear no. Sometimes your body froze. You said yes, quote unquote, not really. When something deep inside of you was screaming, please no. And sometimes you were going along with it based on your conditioning, your childhood upbringing, the beliefs that were instilled in you, or maybe it's your religious upbringing. There are moments the body remembers even when the mind tries to move on. Moments where something felt off, something didn't sit right. Maybe there was something you didn't have words for. And you froze, you went along with it, you laughed it off to make the tension go away. Maybe you even dissociated, checked out for a moment. You left your body, you went somewhere else in your mind because the reality was too much to hold. And later, something in you whispered that didn't feel okay. And you could have maybe not even had the words for it when it happened. Maybe it just felt heavy, a fog, a sense that something was wrong, but you couldn't name it. You're not alone, you are not imagining it. So many women carry this heavy burden of guilt of why did I say yes? Why didn't I fight? Why did I let him touch me? Why didn't I leave? Why didn't I tell someone? We live in a culture that tells us we should have fought, that we should have screamed and ran, but our nervous systems do not work like a movie script. When the threat was too big, too close, or too confusing, your body made a calculation. It calculated if I fight, I might get hurt more. If I scream, it might get worse. If I run, I may not make it out alive. So it chose the only option left. It chose to go still, to go quiet, to disconnect, and to comply. That was not failure, that was survival. I'm standing on my podium, I'm banging my fist, I'm stomping my feet. That was not failure. That was survival. Your body did exactly what it was designed to do. It kept you alive and connected to people around you when separation felt dangerous. It numbed the pain so you could keep breathing. It did the best it could do with the tools and resources it had. If you hear this and you feel a wave of shame, I would invite you to put your hand on your heart, maybe on your neck, if you want to feel your pulse. Sometimes it's a little easier to catch the pulse there. Just place your hand anywhere so that you can feel the warmth of your own hand. And please say to yourself, thank you for protecting me, body. You did what you had to do. And I want to speak the truth about the other end of this spectrum. The places where coercion isn't the story, where pressure isn't the word. I am talking to the women who lived in the dark for years, who have survived long-term repeated sexual abuse, who endured violence that left marks on their bodies and their souls. Like, but who the fuck among us doesn't have a mark on their body or on their soul that hasn't experienced that has experienced sexual trauma, sexual assault, rape, molestation, manipulation, sexual misconduct. But if you were held against your will, if there was physical violence, maybe years of captivity or repeated violation, abuse that started in childhood and never stopped. I just want to say this clearly. Your reaction was not just freeze, it was a total system shutdown. When the threat is this severe, this prolonged, this violent, your nervous system didn't just go quiet. It had to go silent. It had to dissociate so deeply that you might not remember days or years or even who you were. You might feel like you aren't just disconnected from your body. You feel like you've lost it entirely. And if you feel broken beyond repair, if you feel like the damage is too deep to ever heal, that is not a sign that you are failing. That is a sign of what your body had to keep, like had to do to keep you alive when there was no other option. You didn't just adapt, you survived the unsurvivable. And I don't want to minimize this, nor do I want to rush past any violence. I want to honor the sheer weight of all of it from all parts of the spectrum. Because just because it may not have been maybe full-on penetration. It still was a sexual assault, sexual misconduct. I've had someone I was working in a place where I worked, without giving too much away. I was in a place where I worked, and I had this man, I was, I was, let's say 18, freshly 18. He had to be well into his 40s, late 30s, 40s. And he stood over me and put his crotch in my face and said something. I couldn't even tell you what he said to this day, but I was like, what? There was no one else around. It was just me and him in the building. Like he it was prime, prime time. There was no witnesses. No one's gonna believe little old me, right? I said something to the owner. He didn't lose his job, of course. No, no, let's not have real repercussions, but he never got near me again. Creeps, fucking creeps everywhere. And you're allowed to feel triggered, even if your story comes from something like that, to a very violent, repeated coercion, manipulation. Maybe it was kind, maybe you were younger, he was older, and you didn't know better. It was the safest place. There's such a spectrum of healing from sexual trauma. And I want to honor all that. Because for you, because for all of us, coming back to your body isn't just about noticing tension. It's about rebuilding a home that was burned to the fucking ground, maybe before you even had the chance to slay your own foundation. It's about learning that safety isn't just a concept, it's a physical reality you get to claim piece by piece at a pace that respects the depths of what you endured. Sorry, I had a list. Whether your trauma trauma was a single moment of terror or years of silence, your pain is valid. Your survival is valid, and your path to yourself to be connected with your heart, with your body is valid. You are not too broken for this work. You are exactly where you need to be to begin. I want to talk more about the stress response, the trauma response, right? We've got fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. So I'm going to get a little technical for a moment, not to overwhelm you, but to give you some language. Because when you understand the mechanism, when you get that awareness, the shame starts to lose its grip. It doesn't have the power over you that it once had. Because when something overwhelming happens, the nervous system has options. And yes, typically it's fight or flight. That's that's typically how people call it. But if you've listened to any of my podcasts, or if you're any knowledgeable and have any knowledge on trust stress responses or trauma responses, freeze and fawn are two other variations of uh trauma response. And freeze is often misunderstood for weakness, for giving up. But freeze is your body protecting you when it doesn't believe escape is possible. I mean, you might have even fought back at first. You might have said no. But in order to survive, you froze, and that makes you feel like you said yes. Think of it like a deer in the headlights. It doesn't run, it doesn't fight, it just freezes. Because a movement triggers the predator's instincts to chase in the deer's DNA. Stillness is a survival strategy. For humans, freezing looks like going still, going quiet, disconnecting, complying, feeling like you are watching yourself from the ceiling, right? Like feeling like your body isn't yours anymore. And this is where the split happened. Often trauma creates a split between what your body feels and what you were able to express. Your body might have been screaming, no, stop. This doesn't feel right. But your nervous system was whispering, stay safe, stay connected, don't make this worse. If you fight, it's gonna get worse. So the quote unquote, right, the hypothetical yes wasn't coming from desire. It wasn't coming from a place of consent, it was coming from a place of survival. It was not consent, it was survival. So let's just stop and let's check in, right? This is a little heavy. This is very fucking heavy, right? If you're able to, just check in. Do you recognize anything, a memory, a feeling, a sensation? You don't have to go into it. I'm not asking you to dig, just notice. Like, okay, I see that. I see you. I see you coming up. Maybe there's some tightness in your chest, maybe some hollowness in your stomach. Maybe that pelvic floor is tense as a motherfucker. Maybe you feel nothing at all, and that's all okay. Because numbness is part of the freeze response. It's your body saying it's not safe to feel this right now. And I understand how heavy that is, how frustrating it feels like a ghost in your own life. How do I heal if I can't feel anything, right? How do I move forward if I feel so stuck? Freeze is not a character flaw, it's a biological response and it is reversible. It just takes time and it takes a lot of safety. So, what do I do about this? How do I get out of this numbness? How do I feel again? Autumn, you may be asking. Here is the most important thing I can tell you. Do not force yourself to feel, do not push through it, do not try to break it open, do not try to fix it. Because numbness is something that does is not something that doesn't need to be fixed. It's something that needs to feel safe enough to soften. So a simple reframe for this is that numbness is your body saying, that was too much, this is too much, and I'm protecting you. So instead of fighting that, we begin by changing our relationship to it. So I'm gonna walk you through five simple steps, not to cure anything, but to help you build a new relationship with your body, slow and steady. So, step one, I've said it a couple of times, I will say it over and over. Notice without pressure. Instead of thinking, I feel something I feel nothing, something is wrong with me. Try asking yourself or try saying to yourself, something in me is quiet right now. Something in me is quiet right now. That tiny shift matters because you're not attacking the experience, you're witnessing it and you're saying, I see you and I'm here with you. So let's practice. If you can, close your eyes if you want, if it feels safe, if not, then just relax, soften the shoulders, relax the jaws. And notice anywhere that you're feeling numb. Maybe it's heaviness in the chest. Again, it might be in the gut, your limbs, your shoulders, your neck, your jaws, your heart. Whatever part of it is, even if it's your whole entire body, my dear, just say to that part of you, I see you, you are quiet, and that's okay. I see you, you are quiet, that's okay. Step two, start with the sensation, not the emotion. When you're numb, jumping straight into big emotions is too much. It's like trying to run a marathon when you haven't walked in years. So we we go smaller, we go to the body. Ask yourself, do I feel my feet on the ground? Like put your feet on the ground and really feel your feet. Wiggle your toes, lift up your toes to engage your arches, then slowly put one toe down at a time. Or can I notice the weight of my body in the chair? Move around, feel your sit bones, feel your body, feel if there's anything against your back. Can I what are my hands touching? What do I feel? If it's my own hands, feel your skin, acknowledge it. So let's try it for a second. Whichever one you want. I'm gonna press my feet on the ground and feel the ground beneath you. Lift up those toes, bring those toes down, feel the solid earth beneath you. You are here. You are supported. Get into the body. Notice the sensations. Step three. Create micro moments of connection. This is your action step, but I invite you to keep it simple. Once a day, take 30 seconds to check in with your body. That's it. Put an alarm reminder on your phone. Put it on your calendar, put it on your watch, whatever you need to remind you. But all I want you to do is place one hand on your chest, or wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. Press your feet on the floor. Maybe wrap up in a gentle blanket. A gentle blanket. Maybe wrap up in a comfy blanket. Or gently move. Maybe rock, stretch, sway. And just notice what's here right now. There's no pressure to feel anything big. Just contact. Place your hand on your heart or your chest. Let's practice together. Hand on your heart, your chest, your throat, your arms. Just feel the warmth of your hand. Feel the heartbeat. Feel the rise and fall of your breath. Just notice what comes up for you. And the sense of just having connection with your body. Are your hands warmed? Are they cold? Is your skin soft, dry, oily, moisturized? What are you feeling? Just have a micro connection that's safe with you and your body. Step four, let numbness be a boundary. This is an important one. Sometimes numbness shows up because something still doesn't feel safe. So instead of forcing yourself to open, I would like you to ask yourself, what might I need more of right now? What might I need more of right now? Is it space? Is it rest? Is it slowness? Numbness can be a signal, not a failure. It's a boundary. It's saying, not yet. Listen to that boundary. Respect it. And step five, work with your pace. Healing doesn't happen when you push past your nervous system's capacity. Sometimes you have all the information in your head and you know all the jargon, you know all the ways to be, but your body has not caught up. Your mind and body are not connected, and that's okay. There's no reason to force that. Just create small moments where your body doesn't have to shut down. This is how you begin to come out of numbness, not all at once, but in small, safe moments of connection. So if you don't understand this, like if we don't understand like our freeze response and our nervous system response, what happens? We carry shame with us that are never ours. Whose shame is that? That is the violators' shame. They should be carrying out loud for everyone to see. But often we ask ourselves, why didn't I say no? Why didn't I leave? Why did I let that happen? And this season is about replacing those questions with what did my body need to do to survive? Over the next few weeks, we're going to walk through this slowly. We're going to talk about numbness, rest, grief, silence, and what it means to begin feeling again, not all at once, but very gently. We are also going to talk about the rage season season that comes after the numbness. Because once the numbness lives, anger often comes. And that anger is not something to be afraid of. It is information. It is your body saying, I was hurt, I was violated, and I deserve better. But we're not there yet, and that's okay. We are in the numb season, and this is where we start. And you know, honestly, it is A-OK to feel numb in some rage right now. With the Epstein files and the Rape Academy discovered, it might be hard to not want to rage at every man and woman enabler insight. But I want you to know that you are not alone in this. There are thousands of women listening to this right now who feel exactly what you feel. I mean, I don't think thousands of people listening to me, but I hope there are double digits, maybe triple digits, quad digits of women that get to heal this series, not for no fame or fortune, but so that we can all heal as women, so that we can heal ourselves and so that we can move the society in a righteous way. We can take back what has been taken from us. We can reclaim our sense of safety, or maybe, yes, claim it for the first time in a long, long, long time. Because this conversation needs to be happening all the time in all areas so that we can talk about it, so that this is safe to say, hey, someone hurt me and something needs to happen. This society, our society, our world needs to change. I want to be a part of that. I want us to be a part of that. So I'm here for you. You can reach out to me. There are women here who feel the disconnect, who feel the shame, but we're all healing and we're all coming home to ourselves, maybe for the first time. And I want you to as well. The season is a guided, structured healing arc. I'm not just going to talk about healing. We're going to walk through it together. But before we close, I want to bring you back into your body. Just notice your breath. Notice where you are. Maybe place your hand anywhere to fill the warmth. Fill the solid ground beneath you or the solid instrument of leisure that is holding you up, chair, couch. And just say quietly or internally, I'm here. You don't have to figure this out all today. You don't have to process everything right now. I just invite you to stay with yourself through this whole process. Don't abandon you. Because this is where we begin. I'm going to be here every Wednesday and Friday for season two. Friday's episodes will focus on shadow work, coping skills that are relevant to Wednesday's topics. So this Friday, if you want to dig deeper into this topic of numbness and to work on it, Friday's episode will be a bonus to this and give you some tools, some more tools other than the five steps. So until next time, I want you to know that you are never too much, you're never too late. I'm here to help you heal. Reach out anytime. Share this episode with someone who may need to hear this. Leave me a comment, an emoji. Anything you need, let's connect. If you want to connect with me, if you want to work with me, if you want to see all the things that I do, everything's in the show notes. You can find it at the link in the show notes if you want to get to know me a little bit more. But that's it, my dears. May you, may our healing ripple outward to bless the world with happiness and freedom. Take care of your awakened heart, and I'll see you soon.