The Arise with Anita Podcast
Welcome to Arise with Anita—the podcast for the woman becoming who she always was.
This is a space for the ambitious, heart-led woman ready to rise in identity, income, and impact—while honoring her healing, her vision, and her divine timing.
Hosted by Anita, transformational coach and founder of the H.E.R. Method, each episode delivers real talk, powerful reframes, and embodied wisdom for the woman building her next level from the inside out.
Inside you’ll find:
→ Solo episodes that break limiting patterns & ignite identity shifts
→ Guest conversations with thought leaders, healers, and experts across mindset, manifestation, wellness, business, and legacy
→ Soul-led strategy for money, purpose, and personal power
→ Raw, unfiltered insights that remind you: you’re not too late, and you’re not alone
This isn’t just about mindset.
It’s about becoming the version of you that already has the life you’re calling in.
This is your rise. Let’s Rise—together.
The Arise with Anita Podcast
Reclaiming Your Voice: The Path to Authentic Self-Expression Featuring Sheree Cain-Jones
Ever wonder why you struggle to say "no" or why certain interactions leave you emotionally drained? This soul-stirring conversation with our first returning guest Sheree Cain-Jones dives deep into the hidden patterns that keep women playing small and offers transformative insights to reclaim your authentic power.
"If you don't set your boundaries, then someone else will," Sheree shares in a moment of raw truth that perfectly captures the essence of our discussion. We explore how seemingly innocent people-pleasing behaviors are actually attempts to control others' emotions—and how this pattern depletes the energy needed for your own growth and purpose.
The conversation takes an unexpected turn when we discuss what Sheree calls "mission-oriented interactions." She reveals her personal filtering system for decisions: "Is this aligned with my mission? What's the payoff? Am I trying to validate myself through someone else's presence?" This framework alone could revolutionize how you approach relationships and commitments.
Perhaps most powerful is our exploration of emotional triggers as teachers. Those uncomfortable feelings that make you want to run, hide, or lash out? They're actually pointing to areas where healing and growth await. We share practical tools for emotional regulation that move beyond simply "managing" emotions to truly understanding what they're trying to tell you.
For women who've spent years (or decades) prioritizing everyone else's needs and dreams, this episode offers a permission slip to reclaim your voice, your time, and your purpose. As Sheree beautifully puts it, "Nice girls don't do anything. Girls who are in alignment do everything."
Ready to stop apologizing for your story and start living with conviction instead of seeking validation? This conversation will meet you exactly where you are and gently guide you toward where you're meant to be.
If you felt something shift inside you today… hold that. Honor it.
This is how we rise — one choice, one voice, one brave breath at a time.
If you’re ready to go deeper, download your free ARISE Activation Workbook at www.arisewithanita.com
And if this message landed in your soul, subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a woman who’s done playing small.
Because we don’t just rise alone — we rise together.
I’ll see you in the next episode. And until then… stay rising.
Welcome to the Rise With Anita podcast, the space where soul meets strategy and dreams are no longer optional. I'm your host, anita Curdine-Gruz, a transformational mindset coach and founder of the Her Method. This show is for the woman who knows she's meant for more. If you have the call to rise higher that sometimes feels trapped by her old stories, patterns or circumstances, here we don't just talk about growth, we embody it. We activate the woman inside of you who leads, who creates, who claims her next level. You'll hear a mix of solo episodes from me and interviews with soul-driven leaders, the best in their fields, who live what they teach and rise by example. Each conversation is a catalyst for your next breakthrough. You're not broken. You're breaking through. Let's go ahead and rise together.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the Rise with Anita podcast. On today's episode I have our first returning guest. Sherry McCain-Jones is back with us. Last time when she was in our space, she lit it on fire with raw truth, unshakable wisdom and the kind of presence that makes you sit up straighter and breathe deeper. She walked us through her journey of surviving domestic violence and abuse I will have to cut that out To embody her worth raising four incredible children, building a purpose-driven business and reclaiming her voice, not just to be heard but to heal, lead and love from wholeness.
Speaker 2:And the moment, honestly, we met, I had a feeling that we would be not just having one conversation on our podcast, but multiple. So here we are because, let's just be honest, she doesn't just tell a story, she activates something in you. She reminds you about your micro decisions, which matter, that discipline is a love language to yourself and that your relationships romantic, familial or your own soul deserve to be safe, powerful and expansive. So today we're about to dive a bit deeper. This episode is a little bit off the cuff, but I think this is going to be incredible. So welcome back.
Speaker 3:What is up, Anit, I'm super excited to be here. I hope that they check the microphone because I'm already pumped and that's a lot to live up to. I'm like man a heel, we have to heel. I love it. We do have to heel, we do.
Speaker 2:So we were chatting a little bit offline but, for those of you who don't know, we have not been in person together since our last conversation, so this is about to be all the juicy tea. It's kind of going to give you the vibes of two friends catching up and having the most raw, real conversations about where we are, how our journeys kind of intersected, and also I was just thinking we touch on all the things relationships, self-love, embodiment because you know we're at this phase and this point in life where we're constantly, ever evolving, and so why not just go from there? How is life? What is bringing you joy in this current season?
Speaker 3:What is bringing me joy in this current season is. For me, it's always about perspective and insight. I don't think that you ever arrive, and so I find myself in midlife and being surprised by my own self, just learning things about myself that I didn't know were there, and I think that that's really important to learn to grow, to love yourself, to accept yourself. I always say that before you can really grow, you have to accept yourself. You've got to accept yourself where you are, not where you wish you were. So I'm just learning more to accept myself and I'm like I like you, like you're kind of interesting, sheree, but like legit, like I really like you. So that's really bringing me joy.
Speaker 2:I love your answer because I feel like I'm at a phase where, before any transformation happens, we have to start off with really thinking about what part of me got me to where I am, and then you accept that and then from the acceptance of this is how I got to the situation, and that can definitely look like taking ownership of my parts of where I didn't speak up in relationships, where I didn't lay down boundaries, where I overlooked my own skills or whatever that looks like for you. We accept where we are and then from there we end up moving to a new perspective of how can I make the shift, what's next needed? But I love that you started off with accepting yourself and liking yourself, because if we don't like who we are in the mirror, there's only one way to change that, and that's to start radically owning and being truthful with who you are.
Speaker 3:I love that. You know, and when you were saying that I was, I've been really reflecting as we kind of end off the year we're getting closer and closer to the end of 2025, is to make sure that I'm in alignment, that I am in alignment, that my purpose is in alignment with my vision, it's in alignment with my actions, it's in alignment with my decisions, it's in alignment with my decisions, it's in alignment with my behavior and I have alignment with people. And one of the things I recognized was that, okay, there's some things that are out of alignment, and so I just kind of created this little checklist before I even meet with someone, because people don't know this, I seem like I'm a hard. I'm a really hard person. I was going to cuss. There's no cuss. I'm really a hard person, which I am like I'm a go-getter, but there are things that touch my heart where I can begin to violate, like my own boundaries that I've created.
Speaker 3:So I had to look at the things and the behaviors and the actions, and even down to the people I'm meeting with, and ask myself number one is this a mission-oriented interaction? Is this a mission-oriented interaction? And if it is not in alignment with my mission, it's automatic. It needs to be a no, it just needs to be no.
Speaker 3:And sometimes we think, as women, that you got to be nice. Nice is not necessary. Nice girls don't do anything. Girls who are in alignment do everything. So I have to look at it and say, hey, is this in alignment with my mission? And then the next question is and I'm asking myself is is this, is there? What is the payoff, what's the return? Sometimes there's an emotional payoff, but I have to make sure that the payoff is not me validating myself by being in someone else's presence. I'm like I just got to watch that. I have to make sure that I'm not trying to rescue someone. I'm not trying to fix someone. I'm not here, the super sister, savior, like. I'm not getting that kind of emotional payoff, but it's a mission oriented payoff. Where I'm where it's, it is in me to help this person, but not to the detriment of my own self.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God, I love that you just went there, because I feel and the amount of conversations I've been having lately with women of, well, I just I don't know how to say no and I'm like eventually you're gonna have to learn, because at this point and I've gotten to this point of my journey where I'm learning to start setting boundaries and before it used to be, I had this habit of like I would overexpress and I would communicate and I would let you know how I feel and why I feel that you need to do whatever in accordance to, like the boundary I'm trying to set. Now it's more clear cut. I don't like this. This is what I'm holding, this is my standard. Please let me know how you want to go about it. I accept that if you don't want to follow that boundary, but I've gotten to a point where it's like I really don't care to nourish a relationship that doesn't want to be aligned, as you just said, with the boundaries I'm setting for myself, the new standards I'm raising for myself.
Speaker 3:If you don't set your boundaries, then someone else will Absolutely, and it's just like are you okay with that? And sometimes women people in general I don't think that this is a women thing, but it's not that you can't say no, you're uncomfortable with your no, you're actually trying to manage somebody else's moods, their actions and their internal state. It's a form of control. So instead of just saying no to them, you say yes, and I think that there's some element of people pleasing.
Speaker 3:I don't want to appear mean, since when is saying no? I can't go to the party being mean, you're just letting people know what your ability is, what your capacity is, but when you don't say no, you end up doing things that are nice but they're not necessary. And how does that work?
Speaker 2:Does it Long term? It doesn't. I mean, I think that I found the more that we do set our standards essentially lower and accept being that people pleaser and doing what others are asking of us all the time. I mean, obviously there's a level of compromise, but I think when you get to the point of I'm at a state where I don't feel this is necessary or this is what I even really want to do, it's not aligned and you continuously cross that boundary within yourself because at that point you're not, by not setting the boundary with the other person, you're actually avoiding the boundary with yourself.
Speaker 3:Some people don't even know what they want. So in order for you to set a boundary for what you want, you actually have to know what you want. Absolutely you have to know what kind of relationship you want. Some people are like, well, I'm just, you know, I just want somebody, somebody. But what kind of somebody you want? An abuse of somebody.
Speaker 3:You want to broke down, somebody like you got to define what you want, and once you define what you want, you can set. Then you set some standards for what you want. And once you define what you want, you can set. Then you set some standards for what you want. That's kind of what I think. And then, once you set the standard for what you want, now you have the ability to set the boundary for what you want. So it's not like, okay, I'm just setting boundaries, yes, but what's the end? Why? It's going to go back to what I want, and for me, it's my purpose. So if I just end up saying yes to everyone and anyone, somebody sent me a message and they were like hey, like, can we get together? And I first question is this mission oriented? No, so no.
Speaker 3:It looked like saying no.
Speaker 2:No, I mean when you say Looked like saying no, even though I'm at it in a nice way. Oh, what does mission oriented look like? So, obviously there's the grand scheme of things of what you're wanting to do with your coaching and your business and the impact you want to leave with the world. But on a personal scale, what does that look like for you?
Speaker 3:Really it's connected to my greater purpose. My purpose is really to help women walk out their purpose, and being on mission means that I'm I am really coaching and speaking. So in this season it's really focusing on my business and focusing on things that really make Cherie a better her, and the reason why is because I spent a lot of years pouring into everyone else's vision and not pouring into my own. So I'm actually using my past performance as a reason why I won't stay stuck. So I just I look at it and I just say, hey, you know what, at this stage of my life, like this is just not a good idea, and I do a lot of futuring. So I don't know if you heard this.
Speaker 3:When you look at your decisions or you look at something that you're going to say to someone, think to yourself what kind of impact is this going to have in 10 hours? What kind of impact is it going to have in 10 days? What kind of impact is it going to have in 10 months? What kind of impact is it going to have in 10 years? And you, just, kind of impact is it going to have in 10 years? And you kind of you just kind of future and it's like in 10 hours. I already knew if I say yes to this, I'm going to be frustrated, because I know that's 120 minutes of my time that didn't go into my greater mission, and then you do that there's a cumulative effect.
Speaker 3:Cumulative effect if that, if it's 120 minutes here and 120 minutes there and 120 minutes there, that's 360 minutes. Let's keep going. Now we're going to stretch it out to 10 months and you have over 15 000 minutes of spending time on things that kept you stuck. And it's not their fault, it's's yours, it's my fault. How about you? Like? How are you setting boundaries? I mean it looks differently.
Speaker 2:I had a relationship recently that was no longer serving me, so that person had set boundaries and the boundaries were in such a state that there was no compromise and for me I realized I am not okay meeting your boundaries. I understand where you might be coming from when you had said it and this person said it years ago, and for me I was just like this is where I'm at at this current phase of my life. I am no longer treating myself, allowing myself excuse me to be treated in certain types of ways. So if that requires me shrinking, if that requires me hiding, if that requires me to only be available to connect at certain hours, I am not okay with that at this phase. So I set a loving boundary and at the end of that boundary, the way I communicated it, I was like this is me finally just choosing myself.
Speaker 2:Now I have not heard from that person since I've done it, but when I went into that interaction I was very clear if I lose you, it is what it is the door will always be open on your part, but things have to shift on how we interact at this point, and so, while it could be very hard and there was tears there was are you actually sure you want to do this? Was it's time to let this relationship go if they're not willing to step up to the standard that you are now walking from? Because I realized kind of aligned with what you were saying about if it doesn't fit my mission, how can I be walking around telling women I want to elevate them and I want them to feel like they're able to be seen and heard authentically, if I'm allowing myself to be sidelined in a relationship? And so that alone, that counterbalance of what I was accepting versus what I know I should be accepting, was so drastic that I had to make that shift.
Speaker 3:I love that and I think that it's just something that's necessary, that you have to do. While I can't control what people think, I don't want people to think that, hey, I'm setting a boundary, we don't set boundaries to punish people. I love what you said compromising with people and collaborating, because sometimes I realize that my boundary is actually so rigid that no one could cross it and that doesn't help me grow If I'm not willing to have a collaborative relationship with people. I think what we're both talking about is really a pattern.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 3:A pattern where it's you're always violating your internal boundaries. So by nature, you're always violating your internal boundaries. So by nature, you're going to violate external boundaries. And that leads to the ability of you just not saying no. But sometimes I've set boundaries like OK, I'm only going to do this on this day. And then I recognize like OK, so, for example really good examples I'm only going to have my doctor's appointments only on Fridays. This is when I can do it. And it's like, yeah, that's not like real life, You'll actually be going when they can do it. Yeah.
Speaker 3:So it's like like I have to be willing to have some flexibility in my life. It's not like this, just this rigid structure. And if you, if you don't align, you know, get out of here, get, get out of my way or follow me. No, it's, it's hailing. Let me just have like some structure and some guiding principles to get me to my North Star, instead of just like wishing and like, oh, I'm going to just manifest some stuff, you can manifest it, but you've got to structure it to manifest it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. It's all about the aligned action when it comes to the manifesting. But for me I think what you've said about not being so rigid is so important, because I feel like a lot of times what we hear is this concept of like once you've set your standard, there's no swaying from it. Swaying from and to a portion of it, I do agree. Once you set the standard, you set your expectations, you kind of meet that.
Speaker 2:But then there's that understanding, especially in the relationship dynamic of the other person's needs are different, the way they communicate is different and the way they even just their five one love languages can be very different from who you are. So for me, even having set that boundary recently, I was just like I'm willing for a discussion, I'm willing to come with you to a compromise, but all I know is the current set standards do not work for who I am in this current season of life. What was accepted 9-10 years ago is not going to be accepted in this phase of my life going forward, especially as I'm getting stronger in that mission orientation and just my purpose and my vision for what I really want to see out for women. And so when we talk about just being aligned. I think there needs to be that flexibility to allow yourself to align in a way that actually benefits for all parties involved. I love that.
Speaker 3:And I do think that it's really important just thinking about standards.
Speaker 3:I have standards, but other people have standards, so I have to be I love what you said understanding that people have their own desires, their own motives, their own wishes and I have to adjust.
Speaker 3:I do have to make adjustments, like I'm not like queen bee, like that's not that that you, you can't operate and work with people if you're like that, so I'm definitely willing to to to adhere to someone else's standards and respect them where they are in a really good place. That this works for me is in my relationships my relationship with my spouse, my relationship with my adult kids, my relationship with other people. So, for example, if my daughter was over the house yesterday or the day before and she was talking about some things that was going on in her life and she's got a roommate, so I started saying stuff and my husband's like no, no, saying stuff, no, and so I had to go back and apologize and just say, hey, you're an adult. Just because I think this doesn't mean you need to hear it. She has the right to make her own decisions without my influence or my control. That's when people get into offering their services where it's not needed and it's not necessary and I 100% started.
Speaker 3:I didn't even realize I was doing it and I was violating her standards, and so I apologize. And and I'm not. I'm not. We all know we're not perfect, but I haven't arrived at the queen of the boundary and the queen of the standards. I have to make sure that I I respect other people and respect that they have their own inner alignment. And who said that I need? I am the chief operating officer of your thoughts. You're not under my control.
Speaker 2:Right, you know. As you got into the subject of control, what areas of life do you find that most people try to control, not in relationships, but generally? What parts do you think or do you perceive are being they're trying to grasp onto?
Speaker 3:what parts do people try to control? I think in working with women you're not going to like this, but it's true, or maybe they're not going to like this we try to control other people's moods, their behavior, their thoughts. That's the very first area. That's where that people pleasing comes in, and moms are notorious for doing this. I'm just trying to help. Does it have something to say? I just want to fix it. You're trying to control instead of allowing it to just be what it is. But that really goes down to you being uncomfortable with someone else's discomfort, and so you try to go in, you try to step in and you try to fix the situation. I am the classic over-functioner, like I have a little bit of a the savior, the sister savior. I'll fix it, I get it. I got it. But really what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to control your mood, your thoughts, your behavior. With what? With my great ideas? What do you think I?
Speaker 2:love that you touched on this, because human moments are coming full circle. I had this exact situation happen to me Thursday, friday of last week, and it was I live with my mom very common in our culture. But I found she was in a mood is how I will put it. I don't know if anyone else has that innate kind of ability when you're living with someone for so long and you can kind of tell when they're going from I'm angry to pissed off to I'm about to blow the lid off of something, just by their emotions, not even by anything they're actually saying. And I remember having this thought of like I really should go try to calm her down. I really should like go try to have an understanding of what's going on with her, go try to have an understanding of what's going on with her. And I honestly had to step back and be like am I trying to disvalidate whatever you're feeling right now? Because it also came from the understanding and I'm trying to get better at this is taking that pause, to be like I don't control your circumstance and your feelings. But it takes a whole nother level when you're in that space with somebody. So I gently went up to her and I was like, hey, what's going on? And she was just like I'm stressed about this. And she started listing off and she had a lot of feelings. So she listed off her feelings all very valid and I just simply was like, right now, do you want me to offer advice, to listen to you, or to just shut up?
Speaker 2:And most people, I think, forget that sometimes all you need is just to be listened to. Yeah, and so I think the nice part about being a coach is you start to pick up on those cues. But because her and I are so intertwined, I don't always know what version of me she needs. So I'm like you tell me what is been most beneficial for you right now. And she just was like it's a long night, you go take care of yourself, get ready for bed, I will fix it Like I will deal with myself.
Speaker 2:Now, having looked back at that with a different perspective, I realized she just needed to feel whatever it was. And I think so often, especially in our space, we try to. How can I fix this instantaneously, not let it sit, not sit with the discomfort of these harsher emotions, and just move past them. And what I've come to realize personally is sometimes you just need a minute, and I'm not saying take the entire day or take a week to wallow in some negative feelings, but when they come up, I do think there's something to acknowledging that there's feelings that are coming up and doing the identification of what it is that's coming through for you.
Speaker 3:Couldn't have said it better myself. Couldn't have said it better myself because when we try to fix people over functioning women a classic over functioner, and I can say this because I totally am what we're really doing is we're avoiding our own pain. So all of our people issues are actually internal issues. Absolutely everything's a mirror. This person's not the problem. It's actually my reaction to them. That's the problem.
Speaker 3:I love that you went there. It's not them and I'm not talking about like abuse. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about our daily interactions and our relationships with people. I was in a conversation with my husband and I'm like wanting to get up and I was like wait a minute, just like you. What's going on here? Why is it? I have a pattern of behavior where I want to get up and I was like wait a minute. This actually has it does have something to do with him, but it has something to do with me. So I just asked myself wait, let's do a little emotional regulation. Number one what are you feeling emotionally? What are you feeling? My stomach is tightening.
Speaker 2:I love that. You went straight to where the body is feeling it too. Where is it?
Speaker 3:My stomach is tightening. What's the emotion? And I realized I felt helpless. I felt helpless and then it's okay. Why? What's the thought? Because he's actually frustrated and there's nothing I can do to fix it. So my wanting to get up or close off it wasn't that he was. The issue is that there was an avoidance of my own emotions that were the issue. So we have to learn, like when we're in conversations with people, especially people who kind of like get you going is we have to regulate our emotions. So what am I feeling in my body? What is the emotion that comes up for me? Feel it, face it.
Speaker 3:Then the most important part is what is the thought driving the emotion? Okay, now, how can I change the thought Instead of trying to fix it? Okay, I got it out. Just ask a question hey, what do you think that you should do? I'm not his inner compass, he's his inner compass, absolutely. I'm not trying to master him, I'm actually trying to master me, and I think that that's like taking that emotional regulation, especially in those situations where there's you know, you have those relationships where there's a high amount of emotional reactivity. You have to actually learn how to regulate yourself. And if you don't know how. Then I just say, hey, you know what, maybe we need to come back to this at another time because I can't regulate myself. You know, they say the amygdala is the emotional processing center in the brain and when it gets lit up, emotions go up, logic goes down.
Speaker 2:I love that you said that, and especially starting off with the body, because, quite frankly, I think most people totally miss how much your body is attuned to what's going on with you, and so, personally for me, I've learned that anytime I'm triggered whether that's through a conversation, something I'm looking at online, something that's heck it could be the traffic on the way here I realize my triggers are my teachers, because, more than it being about the other person or the situation or the thing that's not going my way, I realized the triggers that are triggering me are there to point out where I have not yet grown or something that I have not faced, even if I thought I have done so.
Speaker 2:Because I think in our space, a lot of times people want to act like, once you hit a certain level, you no longer have issues and what I've personally found I will have reoccurring themes of things I'm working on that, as I hit, new levels come up, and so recently it was. I have a deep-seated, lovely abandonment wound and that started to peak its head and I was just like I have done all this work on it. Why is it not? And then I realized, yes, I've done work on it, but how has this version of myself done the work on it? Because, as we hit new levels, that gap between where we were and where we are shifts, and so you need to be constantly working on that consciousness. That goes along with it, in my opinion.
Speaker 3:For some reason, I just thought you said so much yummy stuff. Triggers are teachers. So my first thought is that's like I'm gonna have to steal that. So that's my problem. I'm like triggers are teachers. I love that because our triggers tell us something and, like when I go through women, through my power experience, we look at their emotional pattern, because all of us have this emotional pattern. But one of the things that keeps us from dealing with the emotions is we're avoiding our emotions and it's because we are so busy trying to manage everyone else. One of the things I did is I said you know what? I'm on an opinion detox. I love pot. I went on an opinion detox. Why? Because my opinion doesn't matter. Because you think about that.
Speaker 3:Think about the energy it takes to have a thought. Think about the creative power in your mind that it takes to have and formulate a thought. Now think about all of your thoughts that are about other people, what they should be doing, who Kris Jenner should be with. Who Miley Cyrus should be singing with. Who, like all whatever these celebrities should be with. Who Miley Cyrus should be singing with. Who, like all whatever these celebrities should be doing. The opinions and the energy that you spend on others is not spent on self. Energy spent one place is not being spent another place. And I and like I would say like I'm not a kind of person, I'm not a busybody, I don't really get involved in people's opinions, but it's sneaky because I'll find myself just cleaning, doing the dishes, doing whatever, and I've got all these opinions about what other people should be doing with their life. Nobody asked you who needs God when we have your opinion, sheree. Okay, I don't like this. I am wasting the creative energy that God gave me on people who have nothing to do with me. I cannot fix their problems, I am not their therapist, I do not hold the line. I should not be making the call. So I was like, okay, let me now pay close attention to what's happening with me. And it's amazing how now I have this amount of creative energy because I'm not spending it on other people, but we end up ignoring our triggers because we're using that energy on other people. So that was my thought about that.
Speaker 3:And then you talked about growth, just how we grow into all things, and I was reading earlier today, like this morning, as a matter of fact, about trees, and trees, when you look at like classic literature. A lot of times they're symbolic of growth and I didn't know this. But trees have growth scars. But trees have growth scars. I read it this morning. They have growth scars. So the scar, the last scar, is just the point of growth. It indicates the point of growth. So whenever, like the abandonment wound or whatever the wound is, all that is is you just need to grow. It's just an indication. Oh, it comes up. It doesn't mean that I'm still struggling with the wound. I'm actually growing beyond the wound. I'm growing. But again, you will not know if you can grow if you're spending all of your time, your energy, the mental resources of your mind on other people's life instead of your life. Beautiful.
Speaker 2:Absolutely how to try to control these situations, whether that's financial or even as simple as controlling the mentalities of kind of like lineage cycle situations right. The more you spend the energy of I need to shift a perspective or I need to do this, you're actually releasing the ability to make the change that you actually want. And what I mean by that is, I realized, the more I'm sitting here trying to prove a certain perspective or prove a certain point to be understood and perceived in a certain way, the more it ends up just losing its power how'd you find that out?
Speaker 3:I'm curious.
Speaker 2:So I think what's great for me is, as I've stepped further, deeper into my business, I find that business is spiritual, so you find that all your things will come up. Anything you thought that you have, that you've worked on, I will tell you. You will find a new perspective on how to work through it then. And as I've started to step into that light, I realized I came from a very young age of like I need to prove and I need to earn my worth and I am going to show you to earn my worth and I am going to show you. And I finally got to a point and this is very fresh where I was speaking to someone and I go well, tell me about myself, what is your perspective of me? Because and it wasn't from a I need your validation.
Speaker 2:But when you've spent your years trying to prove to people who you are and that mentality, everything I thought I was proving was nothing of what they were seeing.
Speaker 2:It was very maybe 2% of what I thought. So it got me to realize, just off of that interaction and then looking out, overarching of like, just the themes that were reoccurring in my life or certain relationships, how they were navigating, and I realized for me. I got to a place where it was just like you don't see me because I'm not showing you the authentic version of myself and I'm being this person that I've shapeshifted into being, so you will see me, love me, approve of me, think I am worthy, whatever. And I realized they're missing the whole person on the other side. So all that effort, all that perception was essentially for nothing, and I realized the overarching theme is when you get to a point where you no longer need to prove and you can be just authentic and messy and not perfect. That's one things people experience is start to magnetize. It's not that version of you that you think you have to be.
Speaker 3:I like that. It's stepping into who you already are. Absolutely, yeah, I, there is something about us, or that you know you have a business or you're a manager, you're a director, you're working somewhere that you have to prove. Now you do need to bring value. Of course you need to bring value, you need to bring your skill set, but sometimes we can mistake our value for our worth, us giving value for my worth, our value for our worth. I was giving value for my worth, and that goes back to how I help women to stop over-functioning, because it's like, oh, the more I do, I've got to prove, you know that I'm doing a good job To a degree in your work. Yes, you want to do a good job, but there does hit a point where you're trying to get validation from people instead of validating yourself.
Speaker 2:A line that's been very potent for me in this season of life is conviction over validation. So what do I mean by that Conviction? Having the certainty within yourself, certainty that your gifts are being given to you by creator, god, universe, whatever you call it. Having that certainty and the knowing that whatever it is that's placed on your heart is going to be set out for you otherwise it wouldn't be placed.
Speaker 2:There takes a lot of action on your part, but it's not about the external validation then, people that you want for either watching or on the sidelines, or who you think you can impress. It's not about needing their opinions to match that. It's about re-coming to a place of. I believe God gave me this message, or God gave me this purpose, and I need to align myself with what his vision is, and having that knowing and that essentially belief that it'll come to fruition at the end of the day, because so much of us especially women, I find are looking for how can I make a point to others, how can I be basically just again, how do I prove that I'm worth it, or how can I earn your love, big one, and I realized, at the end of the day, I don't need the validation from others. All I need validation from is God.
Speaker 3:I agree, I agree. I think that that's why I really work with women to understand their purpose, because it was a life changing for me. Once I got clear on my vision and my purpose, I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing. So your opinion may be nice, but it's just not necessary. I no longer need your opinion to fill my own self. So it's like you need to use your voice, but before you can use your voice, you need to know your voice, know what that voice is here to say and then what these hands are meant to do. It's my responsibility to know my purpose. It's my responsibility to give myself my own validation. My validation comes from God.
Speaker 3:Now, do I want people around me? Of course I want people around me, but I'm not gonna allow their mood, their opinion, their thoughts to now get me to shrink and now I have bad behavior. It's very important to know what your purpose is, and I think the reason why is because if you don't know your purpose, you can misuse your purpose. You know, like this phone, my cell phone here well the purpose. It has multiple purposes, but it's there to make phone calls, but you know what I can do. I can take this phone and I can throw it, yeah, but that's not its intended purpose. Now, it would be effective and it would hurt someone, but I would be misusing it. Why would I want to misuse it? Why would I want to misuse it? Why would I want to misuse it? Because when I do that, I miss out on all the functionality that it was designed for.
Speaker 3:And I think it's the same thing with our life. When we don't know our purpose, more than likely we're living someone else's purpose and you miss out on everything. You miss out on the gifts in your life, the calling in your life. You're going to miss out with people in your life and it really goes back to you understanding your purpose. So I'm like, hey, like let's help you understand. Like your life is a story and you can rewrite it. But you need to know, just use your voice, know why do you have this voice. And once you find that out, it's like, hey, I've gotten this part of validation, like we don't grow out of like not wanting validation, because I can go into that with clients and with students. You know you want to do a good job and go into over functioning and you want people to get a good experience. But take a step back. Wait a minute. I'm already validated. I already have validation. So I do what I do, not to try to get validation. I do what I do because I have validation. What do you think?
Speaker 2:I love this, I really do, because absolutely, I agree, 100%. And what question kind of came through for me, for those who are listening right now, what is? It's a double whammy. So what is a way to find their voice? And, on the back end of that, how does finding their voice translate to finding their purpose?
Speaker 3:Oh, that's so good. What is a way to find their voice? Well, first of all, if you find it, you need to know where you lost it. That's, I mean, that's such a good way. Where did you lose it? So now we track back.
Speaker 3:Where did I begin to lose my voice? It was probably with some pain. There was probably a moment, a person, a situation where, instead of you losing using your voice, you lost your voice, and if you look at that situation in your life, it's a very painful point. And now you've got to extract from that very painful point the lessons that you learned. What was the lesson that you learned from that very painful situation? And out of those lessons and I go deeper in this you need to say who needs these lessons, who are the people that need these lessons? Then now, how can I use my voice to give people those lessons? So for me, I just take a step back.
Speaker 3:Where did it happen? Oh, my gosh, it happened with my son being diagnosed with special needs. Wait a minute, I shrunk. What were the lessons I learned? I'm more than the people around me. I am more than a wife. I'm more than a mother. I am a person, I am powerful, I'm capable, I'm a bad chick and you can get over pain. My voice was it doesn't matter what has happened to you, you can overcome this pain. Now. Then I said oh, who needs this voice? Women, women, women who have been through a divorce tragedy with a loved one, who have shrunk in their life, who have shrunk to their past trauma. If I hold back my voice, they risk losing their voice. So now I see, oh, this is a responsibility, which is why we cannot be depending on everybody else's validation for the purpose that God gave us. What about you?
Speaker 2:This is so good. I knew this conversation would be juicy and I am so grateful we're having this because for me, I definitely had this moment even recently. So I love that we're having this conversation because I've started to use my voice and for the longest time I had this moment of starting to pay attention to signs and synchronicities and kind of things that are happening in your life, because I realized there are no coincidences. They all kind of lead to certain things. And there was one day I was doing a meditation and there's a song called Speechless which was in the Latin movie the remake, our live-action version, and it just started playing while I was meditating and in the lyrics of that song it's essentially there's a part where it's like the story is ending of essentially not using your voice, of not being the story is ending, of essentially not using your voice, of not being in power with your voice. And I remember listening to that during that meditation because, if I laid out how it happened, it was playing in the living room, I was doing my meditation in my bedroom and I was just like this does not happen, normally, this does not happen, and I just had a milestone moment, and so I remember just being very distraught about why is the house not quiet at 4 am at that day.
Speaker 2:And I remember walking out to the living room and hearing the lyrics of this song and I was just like and ironically that song finished and literally nothing else played afterwards and I was like same reaction. I was like that alone was a message. And so I was sitting there going, okay, so that's a message, what is this message from? And I started to realize in that moment and it planted a seed of realizing that I was not using my voice, I had shut off my voice. And so it was this link of how do I figure out where I stopped. Where I stopped. And, like you said, it was a moment of pain, of immense pain that had a lot to do with my general wounding. But it took me about six, eight months from that meditation day to really realize, okay, I know I'm not using my voice.
Speaker 2:And as I started to progress and use the voice and start to own who I am in my authentic skin, I realized slowly, why are that missing link was because it was a repressed memory, and so it being from a point of pain is absolutely usually the truth, because we don't just come through this planet and be like you know what? I'm not going to live my most authentic expression. If you look at little children, that's why they're so beautiful. They're in their own essence. They're not afraid of being too much, they're not afraid of being too little. I will take up the space and I will own it, and I am not apologizing for it. But somewhere along the line from being that child that's fully expressing themselves, you find yourself in this gap of how do I mold to make mom happy or dad happy or people at school happy? How do I fit in? And the more we start thinking those thoughts and conforming our personalities, the more we lose who we are authentically.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 3:I believe that to be so true. Yeah, little kids, they just they are who they are. And I always say you are not, you're not born with insecurities.
Speaker 2:Somebody taught you to have them early on, because when I've started to do a lot of the inner child healing on myself, I realized, while there's certain points of certain phrases hey, don't do that, it's not safe, you mean well by it. But by instilling it you're actually instilling the fear and it ends up being a stacking of this human experience that we all go through to some degree. So I just there's something to be said about trying to find that most authentic expression of yourself, whatever that looks like.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I love that. I'm so grateful for you.
Speaker 3:I'm so happy.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you so, at this point in life, what would you say? You're noticing the themes of emotional resistance with women.
Speaker 3:At this point in my life I noticed that the themes as far as emotional resistance with women is being comfortable with very uncomfortable emotions that can be very difficult, especially the older that people get, because I mean I'm almost 50, so I can say this I she looks great for her age I haven't been anybody, but you've heard of people being set in their ways.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and like. I'm not changing, like this is the way it's always been. It's because we can become so uncomfortable with our emotions and it actually takes a lot of cognitive energy to deal with something that's very uncomfortable and to just let it sit. Yeah, and it is, it is. It's in the more you live life, the more experiences good and bad that you have, the more experiences good and bad that you have. So that ability to sit with very uncomfortable emotions breeds and builds emotional resilience, which we all need. So we have to learn how to just sit in it. I'm not saying stay in it, feel it, rise above it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%. I think when we're afraid of sitting in the uncomfortable, that's when we're actually doing more harm to ourselves than good, because what I've noticed is the more you repress and you suppress emotions, the more your body just holds on to it, whereas the discomfort of sitting with it is not great, but at least you're no longer storing it.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So I'm going to go ahead and kind of give you an off-the-cuff question now. What would you say? What would be a moment for you where you felt like, okay, I'm starting to step out and step into this like leadership or boldness, where you felt like you're finally stepping into who you were?
Speaker 3:It actually involved people, because I had, you know, we have this side it's called the blind side, where it's Chihari's window. But it's called the blind side where people's Chihari's window, but it's called the blind side where people can see, but you can't see and I did not see what I was doing. So it took having some good people to say, hey, we've noticed that you're a gatherer, we noticed that you're a leader. So I had people around me that spoke life into me, because I, yes, I do believe in inner resilience, be sovereign, self mastery, but there is only so much that your own self knows.
Speaker 3:There's always gonna be an aspect to you that you can't see good and bad. That's why I love your question of hey, how do you experience me? What is it that you can't see? Good and bad? That's why I love your question of hey, how do you experience me? What is it that you see? And so, having people around me that said, hey, like we think you're a leader, their spark was already there. They just ignited it. It was like flickering like a gat, like on your gas stove, and all they did was just turn it and it lit up, because I didn't even recognize all of the growth that was happening on the inside of me, and that was the beginning of my what I would call my self-mastery journey.
Speaker 2:I love that you mentioned people, because I think so much of our space is tended to be very self-reliant, and a conversation I was just recently having with a friend because she had asked. She posed the question well, when you are in these lower energy states we'll call it who do you turn to? And I was like well, quite honestly, I and this was a patterning I had since I was young I tend to just work on it myself, I will cocoon, I will self-store, not let anybody into this mess, and then, potentially, once I've already navigated it, that is when I will come back and be like hey, I had this breakdown, but here's the breakthrough that came out of it. And she was just like that's not necessarily normal, because we're humans that are meant to have this connection and this vulnerability and these conversations, because what I might be experiencing might be something that you're mirroring, that you don't realize, but if I'm not open and willing to have that discussion, you don't know it, you don't benefit from it, and so for me, it's also realizing when you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable and when you're allowing yourself to actually be authentic. It also helps those around you see you and fully see you.
Speaker 2:Whereas I think there was a point of me where I would have these heavy emotions and I would sit with them and I would process and I would do the breath work and I would, I would work my way out of it and that's great, because at least I'm not dependent if a person is not able to meet me there. But I realized, coming to the season of like, oh, it's OK to take off the mask and be like I'm human and I still go through shit. I'm human and I still go through shit, and so, like what your friends are doing for you, that ignition when we know our depths and we show our depths but we also show our value. That's what people actually notice about us. It's not about how perfect and how much of a mask can I have on.
Speaker 3:I think we all I said this before I think I might have said this that I really believe we're not called to be independent, we're called to be interdependent. No one who ever did anything great did it alone.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. You need community.
Speaker 3:We look at Harriet Tubman and, yes, she I don't want to call her the queen of the railroad, but she actually had connections and she collaborated with people Winston Churchill, abraham Lincoln, oprah, it's through collaboration that gives you greater competence, but being by yourself just makes you weird.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I love that you ended it that way. Okay, so quick fire round. Yeah, I love that you ended it that way. Okay, so quick fire round. I've slightly shifted the conversation questions because you've already done this once, so what's?
Speaker 3:a recent book that you find has changed your life? Emotional Okay, it's by Laura Vernick. It's so good. Emotional relationships. Oh my gosh, I'm going to get it wrong.
Speaker 2:I will put the title in the show notes.
Speaker 3:Yes, but right now I'm reading by Nona Jones Rejection is Protection, it's fire.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that title alone.
Speaker 3:I'm going to have to get it. Rejection is Protection, so good.
Speaker 2:So good, okay, so what's? A song that instantly lifts your mood? Rocky song that instantly lifts your mood. Rocky mama said knock you out like those are my go-tos. They love you, so okay. What's one relationship lesson you wish you'd learned sooner you have one mouth, two ears.
Speaker 3:What do you think that means?
Speaker 2:mouth two ears. What do you think that means?
Speaker 3:beautiful a place in the world that makes you feel the most alive, oh, my goodness, outside of vegas, outside of vegas, most alive, well, as of right now. I'm really loving utah. I just love going up there.
Speaker 2:It's so serene and beautiful okay, I need to check out Utah more. Apparently Best advice you've ever received in one sentence.
Speaker 3:The best advice I've ever received in one sentence. The only thing that comes to mind is who needs God? When we have your opinion, Clearly my opinion is not necessary.
Speaker 2:I love that. If you weren't doing this work, what would you be doing? Oh my gosh, I'd have my own talk show. You'd be great. I love people. I love people. You'd be so good at it. Okay, morning person or night owl'm morning, I can tell one thing you want women to stop apologizing for, and that's our heavy hitter for the end.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, one. One thing I want women to stop apologizing for is their story I love this, thank you.
Speaker 2:This was such a beautiful conversation and kind of like dual interview situation, but I love the way that you're just so all for women. Your heart is of service and I just I want to acknowledge you, because there's not a lot of women who are allowing themselves to fully be out there and fully be outspoken about their stories, and I think that the way you use your story is beautiful and I'm just so honored to know you and I'm so glad to be able to have conversations that are so of value for this collective consciousness.
Speaker 3:Thank you. Thank you, anita, and I'm so honored to be a part of you and what you're doing and the HER method and all of the things. So thank you for having me. It was 100% awesome. And thank you for tuning in too.
Speaker 2:And that's it, until the next episode. If you liked what you heard today, please go ahead and leave a review down below and reach out to us on Instagram to let us know your thoughts. Our handles will be in the show notes and until next time. Bye for now.
Speaker 4:Thank you for rising with me today. If this episode moved, you share it. Tag me at Arise with Anita and make sure to subscribe so you never miss a future activation. And if you feel cold, leave a quick review. It helps more women find the space and rise into their power. Your next level is already waiting. Now go claim it. I'll see you in the next episode.