4: For the One I Used to Be

This episode is a love letter to the one you used to be. The version of you who coped the only way they knew how. Together, we explore how to soften the shame, shift the lens, and offer compassion to the younger self who got you here. 

Transcript

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Welcome to Rooted in Flow, the podcast. A podcast about remembering. Remembering how to come home to ourselves, to the earth, to our bodies, and to the cycles of nature, and to the wisdom that resides within us. I'm Avery Cash, a yoga instructor, teacher, nature lover, slow living human, and someone who believes that healing doesn't have to be loud to be real. This is a space for quiet things, for slow growth, for the deep remembering that our bodies hold. Here, we'll explore healing through nature, yoga therapy, the nervous system, and slow, sustainable living. You'll hear stories from the garden and moments from the forest, gentle teachings from yoga, and maybe even a few lessons from my chickens or the other animals that share our home. Some episodes will be short reflections, and others will be grounding practices that you can return to over and over again. But every episode will invite you to slow down and root into your own nature. If you've ever felt like the world moves too fast, if you're craving softness, presence, and embodied connection, you found the right place. So welcome here. Let's begin. Hi, welcome to this episode of Rooted in Flow, the podcast. Thank you for being here. I wanted to express my gratitude for the people who have been listening and, you know, sharing and reaching out. And I've had so many rich conversations with people and and deep conversations and I love it. I love that we get to create this space and work together in this way of, you know, like this podcast isn't about me and it won't be about me. And maybe I'll share stories and pieces from my life but this podcast is here to, it's about you. It's about exploring that inner landscape and exploring those cycles and exploring and opening up to that inner wisdom. And I'm here just to be a witness to that. And I think that's one of the greatest honors there can be. To witness your unfolding. So that's why I've created this. Not to publicly heal or to publicly tell my stories. Because I do have people in my life. to hold that space for me. But this is a space for community and this is a space for you. And I'm so grateful to be here doing this work together alongside you. Today's episode is called For Who I Used to Be. And it's tender. I... I'm basing or I guess the inspiration from this episode came from a song or a poem by Emery Hall. And if you know Trevor Hall, he's an artist, a phenomenal artist. I really like his music. I play a lot of his music in my yoga classes that I teach. But if you go on Spotify or YouTube or Apple Music or wherever you get your music and you look up the song, I Have Been a Thousand Different Women. It's poetry. And it's so powerful. And honestly, I just listened to it right before I pressed record. And I don't know if I'm allowed to play music on a podcast because I feel like there's some copyright stuff that might happen. But I do want to read this poem to you before we get into today's episode. And if you are not a woman... this episode is still for you. Because it's holding space and compassion and love for our younger selves and for all of the versions that we were in order to become who we are in this moment. So with that, let's settle in, taking a deep breath in through the nose if you're able. And full, let it go, sigh it out. Continue to take... Deeper breaths, finding a little bit of space in the rib cage and the belly. And see if you can make your exhales full, complete, long. Breathing, softening the shoulders, softening the jaw and the face. Releasing and softening your hands. And as you continue to breathe, see if you can ground and root yourself a little bit deeper in all the places that your body is in contact with the earth. And as you hold this space of presence, of remembering and honoring who you are in this moment and how you're showing up and how you are unfolding, I would love to read the lyrics to this poem. song or poem to you before we begin and again this is by emory hall who's an amazing photographer and poet and her husband trevor hall who incredible musician and i guess they put these pieces together so here it is make peace with all the women you once were lay flowers at their feet Offer them incense and honey and forgiveness. Honor them and give them your silence. Listen, bless them, and let them be. For they are the bones of the temple you sit in now. For they are the rivers of wisdom leading you toward the sea. I have been a thousand different women. There was emotion in just reading that out loud. So as we share together, this episode is for the version of you that you might still carry some shame around. And for the version of you that didn't know what they didn't know yet, for the version of you who made choices from fear or from hope or from desperation, and for the version of you that didn't have the tools that you have now. So this is a space that we're creating today to hold that past self. And to not hold that past self with judgment, but to hold her with compassion. To say, you were doing the best you could. And maybe that's enough. I'm choosing to do this topic today because it's really relevant. And I have been very actively working on this part of myself. I have been very actively working on releasing shame and judgment about the Averys that came before to build the person that I am now. You know, there's, we look back, right? And we have these times in our life where we're like, why did I do that? I, um, I visit or I go to this reflexologist and she's such an incredible healer and intuitive and she's just really real and practical and down to earth, but she's so gifted and so talented. Her name is Nadia and if you're in the Winnipeg area and you'd like to connect with her, let me know and I would love to send you her information. But I've been working with her for several years now One thing that came up in our last session together was about healing this part of myself that I had a lot of shame around and that I held a lot of judgment around. And I was really holding onto this. Like there was a few moments, you know, I don't even like 18 to 22 where I'm just, I look back and I'm, I question, I'm like, what, what was I doing? And it was not coming from a place of love and of compassion, but it was coming from a place of judgment. And we spent a lot of time in that space of exploring and I spent a lot of time journaling and kind of meditating with this younger version of myself. And I think I can now hold with compassion. But I know that this is really relevant for a lot of us. We are not static beings. You are not the same version of yourself that you were five years ago, or even six months ago, or even a week ago. We are always in motion. We're always shifting. We are softening. We are growing. Things happen in our life. We shift. We change. But yet, we're often so harsh with the versions of ourselves that got us here. We look back and we say, why did I stay so long? Or we say, why didn't I see that sooner? Or why was I like that? Why did I do that? What was I thinking? And we're so harsh with those young versions of ourself as if we expect those past versions of ourself to live with the wisdom that we have now and the tools that we have now and the understanding that we have now, the life experience that we have now. But that wisdom that we have, it came from living it. So this, the reason I'm recording this is I wonder what would happen if we softened the way that we speak to our past selves, that we hold our younger versions of ourselves. And what if we held them like an old friend, not a failure, not a flaw. And I think like, I was reflecting, I'm like, why, why do we judge our past selves so harshly? And judging who we used to be can maybe, it can feel like control. I know for me, when I was really sitting with it, it felt like I was protecting myself from ever making the same mistake again. If I hold myself with judgment, and I know Like if I just have this idea of like, yeah, there's shame there, there's judgment there, then I'm protecting myself now from doing that again. But that's not true. This is perfectionism in disguise. And it's the belief that we should have known better, even though we didn't have the tools or the nervous system capacity or the experience to know better at all. And there's also a lot of vulnerability in admitting that we didn't have it all figured out. There's vulnerability in admitting that we were messy, or we were naive, or we were hurting, or we were simply human. And when we look at that lens that we judge our past selves through, Sometimes we see our past selves through the eyes of the people who maybe judged us back then. Instead of looking and holding and hugging those past selves with compassion. And I just think of that first line, that poem by Emery Hall, like there's so many lines in it, but it's make peace with all the women you once were, lay flowers at their feet, offer them incense and honey. Okay, well I reread the whole poem because obviously it wasn't just the first line that spoke to me. And I'm sure speaks to many of you listening. Healing past versions of ourselves. it asks us to shift our gaze and to become a witness of our story and our unfolding. What if instead of looking at your past self with, like what if we shifted? What if we said instead, you did the best you could with the insight and the maturity and the resources that you had at the time. And even if it wasn't perfect, you were doing your best. You did the best you could with the insight, maturity and resources you had at the time. And even if it wasn't perfect, you were doing your best. This does not mean that we're excusing harm or we're avoiding accountability, but it means that we are not letting shame be the main lens that we view our story with. So one practice that has kind of helped me a little bit is, well, young self meditations, holding and meeting my younger self. And I know there's that trend going around on social media of I met my younger self for coffee. And honestly, I've seen some that just have made me cry. Because we have so much more wisdom. We have so much more life experience now. And if we can hold that younger version of ourselves with absolute just compassion and care. Like, what if that past self was someone you loved? Or someone you love now? And I wonder, would you speak to them with the same cruelty that we sometimes speak to with ourselves? Or would you hold their hand and breathe with them and say, you know what, you don't need to carry this all alone. So if you're feeling tender right now, as I am, that's okay. Let it come. We're meant to feel we're human. So here are a few ways I wonder in terms of, you know, I wonder how we meet our past self with care, with compassion. And some practices that I've explored and I've done, I'm going to share, or just some practices even that friends have done, that people I've talked to have done, What if you write a letter to your younger self? It can be as long or as short as you want it to be. It can be a few sentences, but what did they need to hear? Or maybe you imagine sitting with them and you visualize the room that you're in. And what do you want them to feel in your presence? What do you want them to know? When I think about that, you know, sitting with my younger self, visualizing her, I just want to give her a hug. I really do. And I want to thank her. Because she got me to where I am now. And she's part of me. So I invite you to explore that, what that feels like for you. And if you're doing something right now where, and if this is resonating, if this isn't resonating for you, that's okay too. Maybe move along until the next episode comes out. But if this is feeling resonant and tender for you, maybe you place your hands on your heart. And I'm going to do it right now too. If you're not driving or you're in a place where you can just put your hands on your heart space. And maybe you say, you didn't know yet. you did your best you did your best with what you knew and the tools that you had and the wisdom you had in the moment you did your best if your hands are still on your heart just holding them there for a moment just taking a deep breath Honoring that inner self. You can keep your hands on your heart or release them from your heart space if they're on them. Honestly, that's a practice in itself is just placing our hands intuitively on our body to a place that feels compassionate, comfortable. Giving ourself that loving touch, that softness, it's a really powerful practice. If you're near nature, which if you're listening to this podcast, I'm sure you are, a simple practice on your walk, just imagine each step just finding a little bit more softness. A little bit more trust in who you are in this moment and honoring, yeah, these are the people that came before me. And you might even notice how the natural world also holds your story. Like looking at tree rings. And that's one of my favorite things to do with, you know, if I have slices of wood is just taking a look at the tree rings and looking at all of the different years of growth, right? And some years there's more growth and you know that there was more water and more nutrients that year and some years there's not a lot of growth. But all of those rings on a tree are part of that tree's past self from when it was an itty bitty teeny tiny tree in the size of a pencil to however it is now. And they're not erased. They're layered within the growth. And that's the same with us. These parts of ourselves are not erased. Like when we do this healing work, the goal isn't to erase it. It's layering. It's part of us. It's layered within our growth. Like healing is not about disowning who we used to be. And I see a lot of that. I really do. I see a lot of trying to disown and including myself. Like I'm guilty of that too. But I see a lot of stuff online about like truly kind of disowning who we used to be. But it's not about that. It's about integrating all parts of self. And you might find yourself flinching at old memories or feeling embarrassed by who you once were or feeling embarrassed by the choices that you once made. And this is normal because it means you've grown. And growth does not have to mean disconnection. And that younger self, they were trying and oftentimes they were surviving. and they were making decisions based on what they knew then and not what you know now. So instead of asking or instead of saying, what was I thinking? Try instead, what was I needing? What did I need? I have a few more reframes with compassion that might be supportive. or that can kind of open the door to self-compassion. And one we've kind of already said, but I did the best I could with the capacity and the awareness that I had. Or maybe if it's around a choice that you made, that choice wasn't ideal, but it kept me safe. But maybe you close your eyes and whisper to yourself, I honor the one who got me here. I honor the one who got me here. So maybe you imagine right now, maybe you imagine that that younger self is sitting across from you. Just notice, how do they look? What is their body language? And maybe you don't need to close your eyes for this, you can. But oftentimes you can just kind of feel it because it's within us. But in this moment, can you offer them kindness? And what do you want them to know? And you might say something to them like, you know, you didn't deserve to carry all of that. Or I see how hard you were trying. Or maybe you don't have to do it alone anymore. And this can be a practice that you come back to at another time, but the point of it is to be a soft space to witness them, not to fix them, not to judge them, but to thank them. So to close today's episode, this is what I want to leave you with. You're allowed to be proud of who you've become while also being gentle with who you were. And you're allowed to hold yourself accountable for the choices that you made. But you don't have to hold yourself hostage. And you don't have to be the person that you used to be. But you also don't have to hate the one who got you to where you are now. So the next time... If you ever feel shame rising when you think of an older version of yourself, just pause and breathe and whisper, thank you for getting me here. I'm so glad you're still here. I know that this is definitely not an episode for everybody. This is not a depth. Maybe some people don't want to go and that's okay. But I'm so glad you're still here. And if this resonated with you in any way, it means a lot to share these episodes. It means a lot to give a kind review if you feel called to. Or a rating. I mean, ideally five stars. That's nice. It helps. It really just helps to get this work further out into the world. So until next time. Practice compassion. Stay rooted. Stay grounded. Stay connected. You've got this. And I do want to add, actually, before I close off, you know, if this stirred something up within you, I encourage you to know that you don't have to go through healing alone. that there's so many resources out there. There's so many amazing counselors and therapeutic modalities that work with you to support you on your journey that you're on. So if things are being stirred up or if you are going through things in your life where you're needing some extra supports, they're there. There's really incredible people who can support and help. And we oftentimes feel alone in our story and in our healing. So connect yourself where you need to connect yourself. It can be vulnerable and it can be scary if you've never done it before. But it's pretty powerful work that you're doing. Have a wonderful rest of your day. I'll see you next Thursday.