I Lost Time Being The Good Girl... Here's The Truth About That

What did being the “good girl” actually cost you?

In this episode, Ana Velasquez breaks down the hidden impact of good girl conditioning, people-pleasing, and self-editing. Not just the big moments, but the subtle ways you hold yourself back every day.

If you’ve been feeling disconnected, stuck, or like you’re “behind” in life, this conversation will shift how you see your past and your next move.

Because it’s not just about lost time.

It’s about the moments you weren’t fully in your life.

And the choice you have now to change that.

In This Episode, We Cover:

•  What “good girl conditioning” really costs you 
•  How people-pleasing and overthinking disconnect you from your life 
•  Why you feel stuck or behind (and what’s actually happening) 
•  The emotional shift from regret to self-trust 
•  How to stop editing yourself and start fully expressing who you are 

Key Takeaway

At some point, this stops being about what it cost you and starts being about what you’re still choosing. 

Ready for Clarity?

If you keep asking yourself  “What am I doing with my life?”

This is your next step.

In this private 2-hour session, you’ll get clear on what you actually want and walk away with a direction and plan you can move on immediately.

👉 Book your session here:  https://www.lightoasis.co/what-am-i-doing-with-my-life-session

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, my friend, and welcome back to the shit that matters. I'm your host, Anna Maria Velasquez, founder of Light Oasis Co., where we do the deep work of whole human healing and actually start becoming who we say that we want to be. I am starting this episode off by just letting you know that I typically come on here with notes and I do have a few, but really I just want to have a really candid conversation based on a conversation that I had yesterday. I was actually a guest on my friend Audrey's podcast, The Confessions of a Good Girl. And we talked all about good girl conditioning yesterday. And it was such a rich conversation that I thought, like, I really need to bring this conversation here because we've talked about being the good girl before on this podcast. And there was just there was one part of that conversation that really blew me away. And when women come together and we talk about honest things, shit that actually matters in our lives, right? Things that we're actually seeing move. I just knew that I wanted to continue that conversation here. So, first and foremost, shout out to my girl Audrey for starting her podcast and having real honest conversations like that there. Be on the lookout for that episode. It will come out in a couple weeks. Uh, go ahead and keep an eye on either my personal Instagram at Girlwith Anna or my podcast Instagram at the shit that matters pod in order to see updates on that. It's gonna be such a good conversation for you to listen into. And it's just like girls sitting down, having a margarita kind of vibe, you know, like and we're we're just talking about honest things. So it was beautiful. Now, the question that Audrey asked us yesterday was what did being the good girl actually cost you? And how long did it take you to even admit that to yourself, girl? And it was again just such an incredible conversation. And around the table, it was four of us total, including Audrey. So she had three guests essentially. And so they were going around the table and or around the Zoom room, whatever. Um, and answering. And, you know, I heard like connection with myself and other people and my authenticity. It costed me my own trust within myself, like that self-trust piece, right? And all around I was like, yes, yep, yep. I I was the last person that Audrey came to to ask that question. And I just felt these tears well up in my eyes, and it was time. The answer was time, right? But what's interesting is that the answer used to be time, and I've changed my narrative around that. I've changed, literally have changed neural pathways in my brain to know that that's actually not what happened. But a few years ago, me would would have said time. And I think that I can say that now with still looking in hindsight and be like, but it's okay. But at that time, at the time before, thinking like being a victim to time, right? And so it was just very interesting. I I really found myself getting emotional because of it. And it wasn't just like time in a general sense, like all all that, all those years, all those, etc. It's it was just the little moments that I could see come up in my real life where I was like, man, yeah, like if I if I wasn't worried about being a good girl, I would have done that thing differently and I would have shown up differently there, and I would have spent more time with that person. I would have not given myself so much time to these people. You know what I mean? It's just time that you will never get back, but you can make up for it in other ways now. And so that's kind of the conversation that I want to have today. Again, I don't really know how this conversation is gonna go, but I just think that it's really important that we talk about this because I think that's one of the number one things that women will say, you know, like, or people in general. You think about people whose relationships don't work out, and immediately it's just like, well, all that time was lost. Oh, I'm never gonna get back. Those are my good years, you know. Like, hear you, I hear you, and also fuck that with so much love. Fuck that. Like, no, there's so much that you learned in that process. And yes, you have every right to feel frustrated and angry and bitter and not at your best at that moment in time, but I really pray and hope for you that at some point you will know it was all for a reason and it was all in the perfect time. It was all in the perfect time. So we often think about it in like these super big ways, like not speaking your truth or people pleasing or staying small, right? But what I feel like we don't talk enough about, I think I say this a lot in my podcast because it's true. I think we don't realize the subtleness that happens in our lives. We remember these really big moments, but we don't remember all the little moments that add up in order to cause the big moment, right? And so being the good girl, the the subtleness of all of that, it's the time that you spend when you're saying yes to anything, when you really want to say no, when you're constantly playing out these scenarios in your head, you know, you are editing yourself before you even speak. You're thinking to yourself, like, okay, well, is that how I want to say it? Is this how it's how is this how it's gonna come off? I don't want to rub anyone the wrong way, so let me make sure that I say it this way. Oh, let me use this tonality instead of the one that I actually want to be using. It's these little ways that we edit ourselves. We think before actually speaking our truth, before we're actually saying what it is we really want to say, you know? Um, and in so many ways, we're holding ourselves back. We're holding ourselves back in what we actually want to say, how we want to say it, what we want to do, how we want to do it. And that can be really draining. It's like you're you're in a room, but you're not really there. It's that whole concept of like not being alone but feeling lonely, you know, because you're constantly having to edit yourself the way that you just naturally are. And when I really let myself feel that yesterday, I realized something that felt like very honest for me. Is that I wasn't just losing time, I was managing, I was micromanaging my life instead of actually letting myself experience my life, you know, like really trying to control each and every piece of how I was appearing to other people. And that's so draining. And and what's crazy is that at the time I didn't even think about it that way. You know, I was like, well, I'm just me. I'm just being me. But really, I felt that disconnect within my body, within like I immediately feel that in my heart and in my gut. I'm like, yeah, that it was so like if you're watching this right now, I'm like putting my hands together, I'm like clapping my hands together. It was just, it was a wall, I guess you could say. It was a way that I was protecting myself so that I wouldn't get hurt, you know? And if you're listening to this, I want you to just really take a second to be honest with yourself. Where are you still doing that? Where are you holding back what you actually think? Are you at work and maybe you don't want to say the wrong thing because you don't want to be perceived a certain way? Are you in a room like, are you a corporate girly and you're uh in a room full of all of these really successful men and you're afraid to speak up for yourself as a woman? Are you editing yourself in front of your own spouse? Are you editing yourself in front of your family? Like, are you letting your kids see the full you? Are you letting your parents see this grown-up version of you that like you're actually able to make decisions for yourself? You know, where are you editing yourself? Where are you holding yourself back? Are you trying to be understood instead of just full on expressing yourself? Where are you doing that still in your life? And I know all of us are doing that. I know, I know, I know there's still for me, I know that I still keep parts of myself to myself with my family, because if not, it's just gonna start this whole thing, right? And one day I hope that I can get to the point where I'm like, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not there yet. I know I still have work to do, but I have let so much more of myself be seen with them. And that is just it's not necessarily that I feel safer with them in that sense. It's I feel safer within myself. This is all a me thing, this is all a you thing. That's it. Okay, that's it. So I just yeah, I think it's really important to talk about that because that's a way that you're still hanging on to that good girl label. That's a way that I'm still hanging on to that good girl label, you know? Again, it's a work in progress and it's okay. We're not here to aim for perfection at all, whatsoever. So, what this can look like for you is just hiding behind that good girl mentality is making things look like they're just fine, you know. Everything's fine. Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, I feel fine. Yeah, we can do this, that's fine. But that doesn't fully feel like you, you know, like your best and fullest expression of yourself. So when I answered that question yesterday, even though I could feel the weight of that, even though I could feel the moments that I wasn't fully in and like fully present, I'm not mad about the time anymore. I used to be. I used to be, you know, that that I was that girl. Like I'm never gonna get that time back. I'm never gonna get those years back. I'm never gonna get those precious moments in my life back again. The fact that I wasn't mad about it anymore, that was really beautiful to witness within myself. That it's not necessarily that it was new for me, it's just that I was aware of it now. I was aware that this isn't something that I'm upset about anymore, or it's not something that I feel like a victim to anymore, you know? And that's huge. Because, like I said, a few years ago, me would have been freaking pissed. I would have been pissed. Like, oh fuck, I wasted so much time. I I should have had this figured out sooner. I'm behind, shouldn't have been putting myself in this situation for that much longer, you know? I would have been pissed and I would have made time the villain in my story. And and everyone else, right? Not me. It couldn't be me. Of course it is though, and it's it's about being in a right relationship with the things that mean the most to you. And one of the most precious things time, money, energy, like precious things that help other things in your life go round and round and round and round and round and round, you know, connection, people, time is so precious in that sense. But what I can see now is that everything unfolded exactly when I was ready to hold it. And it was all in perfect timing, right? And I know that that could sound super annoying to hear for some of you, but if if you're in that space right now, this isn't about bypassing the grief. You get to feel that, you know, you get to feel like, damn, I wish I showed up differently. I wish that I trusted myself sooner. I wish that I took myself out of that group of people and started hanging out with this group a lot sooner. I wish that I, I wish that I, I wish that I, okay, like you're allowed to have that time. Grieve that time, be with that time, process that, but don't stay stuck there. Don't stay stuck, rush into a version of you that you never had the capacity to hold on to yet. You just can't. You will not be able to. You'll think that you are ready for that, and you're gonna be brought right back to it, right? And so just understand that and know that and like be so okay with that. Every single version of you had a purpose, every single version of you like was waiting for the perfect time again for all of this to unfold. Even the one who was overthinking, even the version of you that was people pleasing, even the version of you that was trying to get everything right, you know, that's the version of you that was trying to keep you safe with what you knew at the time. That's it. So, yeah, being the good girl may have cost you time, but the real question now is how much more are you willing to give her? Because at some point this stops being about what it cost you and it starts being about what you're choosing, right? And I've said this on this podcast many times. What you're not changing, you're choosing. So, what are you gonna choose now? Are you still holding back? Are you still gonna choose editing yourself? Are you still gonna choose waiting to be validated by other people before you make your next best move? Or are you willing to go and actually live your life as your own and as you and what you wanna do? Not this like super polished version that has to get everything right all the time, right? Just the real you, the real you. And that was what my whole podcast episode was when we talked about the good girl the first time here. It's like stop trying to be the good girl, be the real one. Be the real one, right? And I'll be honest with you, after I recorded that episode, I had a moment because I could feel how easy it would be to take this conversation and turn it into like, I didn't have time, I couldn't do this because of that, and like really getting yourself into that victim mentality. And what that's actually called is being in victim consciousness, right? And so what I know I want to talk about with you all in the next episode is exactly that is victim consciousness and really getting yourself out of that and deconditioning the good girl in all of that so that she could stop running your life. When we move into higher realms of consciousness and different frequencies, so many things in your life change and it's a really beautiful thing. So I cannot wait to have that conversation with you. I hope that you guys enjoyed this episode. If you did, please be sure to share it with someone. And if it really was something that hit for you, please be sure to share it on Instagram. The Instagram for the podcast is at the shit that matters pod. And if you could share it with some friends, I would be so grateful for it. All right. I love you, and I'll see you in the next episode. Bye.