37: The Fear of Losing Others By Being More Yourself

Discussed in today’s episode:

🌱 Feeling like you might lose people for being more yourself

🌱 The natural consequences & "what ifs" of evolving as a person over time

🌱 Why you care about how you’re perceived & how it can hold you back

🌱 The unexpected lessons that come with embracing a deeper layer of authenticity

🌱 Trusting that you will find the right people and lose the wrong ones when you are 100% unapologetically yourself

🌱 How sometimes the hardest challenges can give us the greatest blessings on the other side

🌱 Building the mindset that by no longer self-censoring or watering yourself down, you will experience a life that’s 100x more freeing and fulfilling than what you’re tolerating by hiding your fullest expression your whole life

& more!

Join the  Oreaganic community:

Instagram: @organicreagan https://www.instagram.com/organicreagan/ 

YouTube: @Oreaganic (https://youtube.com/@oreaganic?si=-G95qvftDopdbCWv)

Xoxo, Reagan🤍🌱

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Testing, testing, testing, testing. Where the fuck is my water bottle? Oh my god, it's 10 miles away. Hello my friends, and welcome back to the organic podcast. I'm your host, Reagan, and I am just having a little sit-down chit-chat with you tonight because honestly, guys, if you haven't listened to last week's episode, I highly encourage you to listen to it. It was a really fantastic episode. I had a guest on the podcast, someone I've known for a while, and I just it was great, but honestly, I have gone I've been going through a period lately of just like oh you know those times in your life where you're going through a shift, like a transformation, some kind of like uncomfortable sort of shift, and you kind of feel like what the fuck is going on? And you you like could sense that something, you know, you're growing, you're changing, you're expanding, but there are some challenges that come to light when you are going through an expansion that you just you just wouldn't expect are like part of the curriculum, I guess. And last week's episode, just on the topic of speaking freely about some of the things we talked about, really speaks to a lot of what I've been working through for honestly months at this point, like literally like four to six months. I'm not gonna lie, it's it's been a lot. So I don't really have like a completely direct theme for this episode, but I feel like speaking on my experience and what I've been going through is is important right now. So that's what we're gonna get into today. Um, like I said, it's gonna be sit down, chit-chat, raw, vulnerable, as always. And I do sincerely apologize if you hear my washing machine in the background, which I'm 99% sure that you shouldn't be able to hear. I tested it, but you never know. We'll see. So let's get into the episode. Welcome to the organic podcast. I'm your host, Reagan, mechanical engineer, lifelong athlete, and recovered overachiever, here to empower you to pursue your highest potential and live freely as your happiest, most organic self. Every week we'll dive into topics ranging from personal growth, mindset hacks, psychology, and a blend of science and spirituality to give you all the tools you need to stop living on autopilot and start creating a life of freedom, meaning, and fulfillment as your most organic self. If you're ready to become the best version of yourself, the most fancy and grow. Alrighty, you guys, you might be thinking, if you look back at last week's episode, if you haven't seen it, I spoke about astrology, intuition, faith, topics just related to kind of the spiritual experience of existing and being alive. And how astrology and intuition are all interconnected with that, etc. So why would I be nervous about these topics? Like, why is it really that big of a deal for me to be scared talking about astrology, intuition, things that I am very familiar with that I find interesting, I'm comfortable talking about them with people who understand it. Like, I'm I'm fine, I'm chill speaking on these things. They're not they're not outlandish to me. Um, but it's a it's a whole different ballpark when you are speaking on a public platform that can be listened to by literally anyone on earth about things that you haven't really spoken about publicly. And for me, it's more so caring about what the people closest to me think of me, like what the people who actually know me deeply, like people who know me in life, like outside of the stuff that I post online, like what are they gonna think of me? Are they gonna think differently of me? Are they gonna think that I'm crazy? Are they gonna think that I'm just, you know, drank the Kool-Aid and I'm just going off on a little whatever? Like, I don't I don't know what what are they gonna think of me? I'm I'm I'm afraid of how it's gonna be perceived. And I I think I do a good job of not really giving a flying fuck what a random person thinks of me because I have grown a good perception for myself when it comes to other people's judgment. And it's really easy to be, you know, judged by some random person online or like have someone say shit about you for something that like you don't really care that much about. Like a good example of this is I actually had a TikTok. This is so fucking stupid. I had a TikTok go viral, like absolutely 100% the most viral video I've ever made. It had like over five million views on TikTok, I think, and I also posted on Instagram because some fucker, some stupid account that just only reposts viral videos from TikTok, like literally gives no credit, reposted my video and they got like hundreds of thousands of views, and I was like, yo, fuck you, no credit, I'm reposting. So I reposted it on like what's kind of a backup spam account, whatever you want to call it. And that one also got like two million views. Literally, guys, the video is just me talking about proposal pol proposal posture and just telling guys to just have their back be straight and not be like slouched over like a parabola when they're asking like one of the most important questions of their life. Like, I don't know. You know what? Does it really take away from how special the moment is? Is it really that deep? No, it's not that fucking serious, but something I just saw a video on Instagram where a guy like had this whole proposal set up, he had the videography, he had everything. Everything was just like he he really went all out to set it up. And then this man lean like propo gets on a knee and kneels and leans over and slouches like a literal, like I don't even know, like a scallion. He's just like a complete curve, like a shell. And I was like, what are you doing? As soon as I saw that, I immediately I didn't even think about it. Like it was the most raw, authentic video I've probably ever made. Because I was like, I had I put not a sliver of thought into it, and I just immediately set up my phone and I just posted this stupid video, and it got, like I said, a cumulative like over six, seven million views. It was crazy, but the whole point of me bringing that up is to say that I had a lot of people engaging with this post and commenting on it, and half of them were girls being like, Oh my god, thank you, like doing God's work, or guys who were gonna propose who were like, yo, thanks for the tips, and then the other half was just like angry, middle-aged, like probably fat old lonely men who were all like, Let me guess, she's not married, or stupid fucking shit. Some some bozo commented on TikTok saying, like, it's always the single ones who have so much to say, to which I responded to that video telling my boyfriend about the comment. Like, like, y'all are just dumb as fuck. But, anyways, I bring this up because that video is just such a stupid fucking example of something that I don't really give that much of a shit about. Like, it is not the end of the world, it is not that deep. It's something, it's not something that is like completely integral to like my belief systems or who I am or what I'm exploring. Like, I I don't fucking care that much. It was just a joke for the most part, but it's also true. And that's why it was super easy for me to see literally anyone's comments and just be like, you guys are just fucking dumb. Like, honestly, I'm hold on, give me a second. I pulled up the receipts to give you guys some context. So on my Instagram one, which has three million views, um, someone said, I literally just got proposed to last week, and you know what? I don't even remember if he was straight or not because pause. I'm a little delirious, okay. Anyways, he she means his back, but I don't even remember if he was straight or not because it doesn't matter. What matters are his words, his love, and whether he's the right man for you. Ring emoji, bride emoji. Correct! Like, I agree, it's not that fucking serious. Hence the fact that this is social media and this is not that deep. Um, and then Chuck Waller Jr. says, Let me guess, she's not married. And let me guess, Chuck, neither are you. Like, these people are just so fucking dumb. But again, just examples of like stupid shit people say, but why I can post that video, get a bajillion comments, and have people saying dumb shit like that, and not care, is because it's not actually that important to me. And why I feel vulnerable or like I really went through some kind of like activation or just like discomfort talking about the things that we talked about last week on an episode that I really, really loved recording, and I was so excited to launch it, and I'm so happy that it's out. Nonetheless, like I felt nervous talking about it because it spoke to something that was very vulnerable to me and very real to a lot of experiences and transformation and conversations that I was having, like behind the scenes, things that I don't post about, things in my you know, close relationships with my intimate life, things that are very important and like you know, there's just a lot of layers to it. So it's just funny to reflect on the fact that I can be so nonchalant about, you know, seven million views and dumb comments, and then I can get so worked up about a podcast episode that probably is not gonna get, you know, super, super that many views, at least not right now, or downloads or whatever you want to call them, for you know, a while. Like it's not gonna really build up to the thousands or anything anytime soon, or even like the hundreds or whatnot, because I'm still early out and I'm still starting and whatever. But I'm just really thinking about the experience that all of us have when it comes to being ourselves and being authentic. And I feel like it sounds easy to be like, oh, be yourself, be authentic. Yeah, that's great. We all know that we should do that. But what I didn't really think about, and what I didn't really realize is when you decide that you're gonna be living fully in purpose and fully embodied and fully yourself, that's not always like like the path that you have to take to get there, and the lessons you have to learn are not always the ones that you would think you have to learn. Like it basically for me, what happened is an area, a very like sensitive topic for me, and something that brings up a lot of like I don't know, wounding, like internal wounding for lack of a better word. Is this whole conversation around like the spirituality, the intuition, the understanding? Like, I I just have such a deep fear of being perceived as like someone who's dumb or being I I hate being misunderstood, and it's honestly really fucking hard for me to be misunderstood by especially people who are close to me, or even feel like I'm at the risk of being misunderstood by people who are close to me because that kind of loneliness of feeling like oh my god, like they just don't get it, is something that can be really hard to work through, like really hard. And you don't have to be someone who has a podcast who's posting on social media to relate to this. Like, I think a lot of us just going through our daily lives have aspects of ourselves, especially in relationships with anyone, not just romantic partners, but anyone, like even your close family, even people you've known for years and years and years, your friends, like when you start to become more of yourself and you start to release old identities and patterns and fears that you had, at least in my experience, it feels like I was scared and I still do feel this fear around like if I become more of myself and I shed like kind of you know the former versions of me, so to say, or or parts of me that no longer resonate and fears that no longer belong to me, or like I don't want to, you know, claim anymore, then what if the person that I become, what if the version of me who's actually really more me and more authentic and more raw and more myself is a version that like the people closest to me in my life don't actually love? Welcome to therapy! Like, but seriously, what if that version of you who's more yourself actually comes with a consequence? Like, what if there is a consequence to being more yourself? And as soon as there is any kind of perceived consequence around being more yourself and speaking out and speaking your thoughts and speaking your truth, like I did last week, in some regards, it's like I don't say in some regards, I just mean you know, that wasn't like a whole deep dive of like everything I believe always ever. Like it wasn't that super deep of an episode, but it was to an extent speaking on things I haven't talked about before. And when you do that, when you actually let yourself be seen and vulnerable and more yourself in a way that you haven't before, that automatically just brings up these fears. Because it's like, holy shit, no one has seen this version of me before. Like, no one even like the people closest to me in my life have not seen me fully embodied as this version of myself before. And what if they don't like it? What if it makes them uncomfortable? What if they leave? What if they don't get me? What if they don't understand it? Like, what if, what if, what if, what if? And those fears, like, I'm telling you guys, it is one of the hardest fucking things to work through when it comes to being more authentically yourself and like more your organic self, as I pitch, because it's like the work that you wouldn't expect to have to do. I I I don't know, it it just didn't seem like for me to be able to feel like fully comfortable speaking my truth and speaking online and like sharing things that I know are really important, that I know I have a good perspective on, that I think would help a lot of people. Like, I know these things are so true, but yet, in order for me to be able to do that and to express myself at like the highest capacity, I actually have had to go through a lot of like personal, vulnerable, very like sensitive kind of transformation behind the scenes in ways that I did not expect to have to. Like, I would not have originally correlated the experiences that I've gone through with the result being like you need to go through this in order to more deeply be able to embody like who you actually are completely as authentically as possible. So I don't know if you guys can relate to that. I'm sure that at least one of you can, I hope, but it's just been like it honestly has just been really rough, and I think I'm someone who sh I do share a lot. I mean, obviously I have a podcast I've posted on social media, and I'd like to think that I share a good bit. Maybe not as much so lately, but just with what I've been going through and whatnot. Um but I don't know, maybe I'm questioning lately, like, do I really actually share that much? Like, am I really that vulnerable? I feel like I kind of hide myself unintentionally sometimes where it's just like keeping a little bit too much to myself or being too introspective. So I don't know, maybe maybe this experience comes out of absolutely nowhere and no one can relate, but I have a feeling that at least someone can. So if you're someone who is going through any kind of period where you feel a little bit scared of like losing love or losing someone in your life, or or just just feeling worried that the more that you are yourself, like the less that the people who know you closely will love you. Like, if that's a worry that you have, maybe even if it's subconscious or whatever, like just know that it's a very powerful transformation to go through to like have this experience and have these reflections and have these thoughts because as much as it fucking sucks, like it really fucking sucks sometimes to have those thoughts and like be in your mind so much in that way, it's also teaching you a lesson. And I have episodes, I know I at least have one YouTube video about this, but even when you're going through like the shittiest period of life, like everything is teaching you something, and it is all happening for a reason. And I know that's the most fucking annoying thing to hear when you're going through it because you're like, I don't fucking care, this is happening for a reason. It's fucking horrible right now, and I don't like it, which is absolutely valid. So, more to that point when you're going through this, and you're it's like a really vulnerable, raw experience of just being more yourself and actually having to take the leap and be like, holy fuck, okay, I want to be more myself. I want to speak out my truth, I want to speak more authentically. I like I don't want to keep having you know sensors up or fears or worries around like what would actually happen if I just like spoke what I was thinking and like said my truth and was more myself. I don't want to have these fears anymore. If you're thinking that, but you're really scared about it, you might not like this answer, but like you really just have to take the leap. Like you really just have to take the leap because this is one of the hardest parts for me, especially as someone who can logic up the wazoo about everything. Like, I know logically that the more that I am myself, the more that I will attract the people who are actually meant for me, the ones who will like genuinely really appreciate and love me unconditionally, or like really resonate with my words, and like really just be kind of like my people, like they're only gonna be attracted to me and like find me in my space and whatever online, blah blah blah, if I am 100% myself. And if me being 100% myself results in me losing anyone in my life or people thinking differently of me, then that's a good thing because those people were not meant for me in the first place. Like, I know that logically, I know that logically, but when emotions and fears and like identity around how you're perceived by others is very deeply attached to doing that and to being yourself and to being open to the fact that you might lose people, it's just like it is such a hard experience. It is so fucking hard, and it's it's so vulnerable and it's so raw. And I've said those words like 80 times this episode, but it really is like I have no other way to describe it. Like, it is just so tough. It's so tough, and I'm not even saying now, like, I have not lost anyone close to me in my life when it comes to like friendships or my relationship. Like, think nothing has gone awry here, like nothing has gone astray. So, all of these worries that I talk about, particularly with you know, being sparked by releasing the episode last week and and just kind of fully being openly expressed with some of the things that I shared, that's all just like my perceived worries and fears that have come up just from that thing. Like, those are all just just perceived, but when your brain even perceives it, there's a slight chance or a slight threat of of losing people, of people changing their opinions of you, or whatever, like it is going to fight you and it is going to scream at you with fear because if you don't know what's gonna happen, or there's a chance that you lose people, it it feels so dangerous to lose the kind of like close connections that you have with the people who you feel very close to right now. So I just want to validate that experience if you are going through that, because oh my god, it's it's just it's really hard. But I will say it is a very empowering experience and feeling to be able to say to yourself and to speak out to the world how you think, who you are, and just have that be what it is. Like, not try to cater to anyone's feelings or cater to anyone's expectations. Like when you are being completely yourself and you're like, I don't fucking care if I lose anyone in my life, if anyone leaves me, if they think differently of me, because if they do, they were never fucking meant for me in the first place. Like that's like a point of no return when it comes to the experience of freedom that that gives you. And freedom, being yourself, like these are some of the most important things to me just as a human being, like as part of my values. And I let me just say, like, this whole kind of activation, transformation, whatever you want to call it, this whole experience that I've had has really spoken to, giving me more of the ability to to claim that for myself and to be fully expressed and embodied and like wanting to use my voice and just be authentic and not give a shit what anyone thinks, especially the people closest to me in my life. Like, I have never felt more free. And I feel like it's extremely important for me to have gone through this in order to be able to feel confident enough in speaking out and having a platform and being authentic and sharing the messages that I know that the world needs to hear. So take this experience of mine and everything I'm talking about, and just apply it to your life in whatever way you may be experiencing it. Because I really do think that everyone goes through periods of change, of transformation, of growing and learning more about themselves as a person and just like being more authentically themselves, and it can feel like a really lonely process sometimes when you feel like no one else gets you, and you're kind of in that period of like, well, I don't really want to censor myself anymore, or I don't want to keep holding on to these fears, but I'm also not really fully expressed as myself yet, and I haven't really been able to find my people, like that in between period, I feel like is kind of what I'm going through right now. Not with any of my own, you know, friends or in real life. I haven't like lost any relationships or anything. It hasn't been anything like that, but I more so mean, I guess, social media, just finding people. I think this is just a season of of introspection that is then growing into being able to, you know, set me up to be able to find more of my people with using my voice more. But if there's anything you take from this episode, please let it be that as scary as it can be to be fully yourself and to actually let yourself be seen and to speak up for what you think is right, and you speak up for your thoughts and how you feel and your opinions and everything. As scary as that might be, it is the most freeing thing that you could ever do, and it's the best thing that you can do for yourself. And like the The highest act of self-love that you could show yourself. Because the more that you water yourself down and you cater to the beliefs of others or the fears of others and you want them to like you and you want to be perceived well and you don't want to be misunderstood and you don't want to be judged and rejected. Like the more that you let those fears hold you back, the more you are keeping yourself completely caged in a spot that where you feel so stuck, where you feel like you're not yourself and you do not have to be there. You do not. You have the full freedom, flexibility, and power to be able to change that. And I know it feels really scary to be able to fully embody that and fully claim that and not care about the consequences of what might happen in terms of losing people or being misunderstood. To not care about those things as much as you care about being yourself is really the the journey of transformation that happens, and it can feel really, really, really fucking hard. But I promise you it's gonna be so worth it in the end. So I hope you all can take my my sage wisdom and my sage advice and transfer it to whoever it may apply to your lives because the journey of being more authentically yourself is not always a pretty one, and it's not always sunshine and rainbows, and honestly, it requires a lot of like deep internal work sometimes, and it feels like absolute shit, but I know that the other side is worth it, and that's why we're here. We're here to be ourselves, we're not here to be some watered down, boring ass vanilla, like non-controversial, unopinionated versions of ourselves. Like that is the most disgusting thing that I could think of. So I hope this inspires you to be just a little bit more yourself and to take a bit of a risk. Don't really care what people think of you, and kind of just go for it. Think of me in the TikTok comments, just just let it roll off your back. But I hope I hope that entertained you guys as well, by the way, because I honestly get a lot of entertainment from reading so many comments. I deleted TikTok a while ago, but like there are literally 3 million views, 683 comments on this, 112 cent, 112,000 cents, 152,000. Like, I don't know, there's a lot of fucking people who have interacted with this, which means that there's a lot of entertainment. So, anyways, back to the point. I hope that this episode helped you guys feel a little bit less alone with maybe something you're going through right now, or maybe you just like to hear about someone else's experiences through life. And either way, I hope this helped you. I know I rambled a bit, and sometimes the episodes that are just sort of streams of consciousness are I think better and easier for me when it comes to feeling aligned with what I'm actually sharing and what I'm moving through. Because if I think too much about this shit, if I think too much about like what I am saying when it comes to making this a super structured, planned out episode, as soon as I sit down every single week at this hour, like guys, the secret sauce is not made there. That is not where the secret sauce comes. So, anywho, I hope you guys are having a great day, whatever time it is. Thank you for being here. I appreciate all of you. Go give last week's episode a listen if you haven't, because I really it's a really powerful episode, and I think that that a lot of people could benefit from it. Whether or not you see astrology and intuition as woo woo, I don't really fucking care, but like there's a lot more to that episode than just the titles. So go give it a listen. I love mads, shout out to mads, and go be your most organic selves, and I will see you in the next one.