46: The Truth About Performative Energy and Being Your Authentic Self

🌱 What feeling really unmotivated might actually be coming from

🌱 The difference between behaving in a way you truly like vs acting a certain way because you like feeling accepted

🌱 Discerning forcing yourself to do something because you actually have to vs. because you think it’s what you “should” do

🌱 The friction you feel when you try to be someone you’re not

🌱 Why it’s so draining to perform for the sake of other people

& more!

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Xoxo, Reagan🤍🌱

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello my friends and welcome back to the organic podcast. I'm your host, Reagan. Before we start this episode, I will say with full transparency that my energy is a bit off. It's a bit off right now. It's a bit off today. It's been a bit off this week. And the topic of performative energy, I feel like it has been this core theme that I have been working through and moving through for a long time. It's something I'll probably work through continuously for the rest of my life, but I'm really excited to dive deeper and explore this topic of performative energy. Because some of you might be thinking, like, what the fuck does that even mean? The way that I'm seeing this in my head is that there are two different ways for all of us to be living. One of them is completely, freely authentic, 100% your core self, your higher self, whatever you believe, just like the most potent authentic version of you that is most truly aligned to your soul and your purpose, and kind of like actualizing that purpose. That's one version of you. And the other version of you is the person who has gone through conditioning, as we all have, and is behaving through a bunch of filters or putting themselves through different lenses. It's like you're taking that light of your authenticity and you're putting it through all of these different lenses that have been created by the conditioning and what you have learned growing up or from others, and all of the reasons that you think that your most authentic self is not actually the version of you that will be accepted by others. So you have catered your behavior to perform in a certain way that you know will get you to be quote unquote accepted by the group, whether that's your friends, your family, your loved ones, your parents, whoever, or even just like coworkers and work and societal expectations, you cater your behavior to all these expectations that come from a place that's outside of you that are not true to the potency of your soul. And you perform and put on this act so that you are accepted by all of these people outside of you and these things that are not true to you necessarily, and you perform. And it's very fucking draining and exhausting. I feel like this is a topic that a lot of people could relate to. So without further ado, let's get into the episode. Welcome to the Organic Podcast. I'm your host, Reagan, mechanical engineer, lifelong athlete, and recovered overachiever, here to empower you to pursue your highest potential and live freely as your happiest, most organic self. Every week we'll dive into topics ranging from personal growth, mindset hacks, psychology, and a blend of science and spirituality to give you all the tools you need to stop living on autopilot and start creating a life of freedom, meaning, and fulfillment in your most organic self-free ready to become ready to do it. Okay, hello my friends. Again, apologies if my energy seems a little melancholy or just a little off. Today has been one of those days where it's like you just feel just like it's just it's just one of those days where it's just like, ugh, like gross. And you know, maybe I'm not being the most professional host by not just putting on a brave face and just meh, me, me, me, me, meh, meh. Like doing I'm so dramatic. Doing the thing that everyone tells you just because it feels hard doesn't mean that you you can't show up. You gotta show up, you gotta just put that shit to the side and lock in. Well, literally. If anyone's thinking that, go fuck yourself, bro. Go fuck yourself. This is my show. Who's holding the mic? Not you. Thank you. Fuck off. Moving forwards. This topic of being performative is something that I feel honestly influences or is influencing how I'm feeling today when it comes to feeling drained or feeling off. Because I just really am feeling like extra drained by anything I've noticed where I can tell that the motivation for me wanting to do a certain thing or act a certain way or complete a certain task is not coming from within me. It is not coming from a soul-led place, it's not coming from something that brings me fulfillment, it's not even coming from something that sucks to do but feels good after it's done. Like, it's literally just coming from this place that just feels very gray and dry and lifeless inside of me. Like, I I feel like I have this energy within me that's it just feels like all my energy is just being like fucking vacuumed out, vacated from my system, and just being like shoved and forced to comply to these external systems and beliefs and behaviors that are not true to me. And this experience is very, very fucking draining. It's extremely exhausting, especially if you're like me and you have a very sensitive system, you have very sensitive, highly attuned energies that's like very sensitive to absorbing other people's energy or just heaviness, and you just you need more space than the average person to be able to just sort through all of this shit. I feel like this is just making me feel a certain way today. And it relates to the performative energy because I have noticed more and more as I continue growing in my life where my motivation for things comes from. And I know in saying this that some people might think I'm talking about hard things that are just like part of life, like no one wants to do taxes, for example, but you gotta just do taxes. No one wants to do, I don't know, XYZ thing at work or stupid life admin things, but like you just have to do them. Like, yeah, I I understand the concept where it's like you just can't avoid everything that you don't want to do, and that all of your tasks are not gonna feel like this magical, soul-led, easy, flowing, mystical, like euphoric experience. I'm aware of this fact, and today's conversation is going to include the assumption that we are speaking with context and discernment and understanding of the fact that there are still very much so parts of life that you will never be able to fully truly avoid, and there will always be things that you have to do or things you where you just kind of have to quote unquote suck it up. Like, there's always going to be a part of that. This is the human experience. Where I want to dive into today is going a bit deeper, like actually delving into the core issue of performative energy. And this is maybe this is a big topic for me to be taking on, and it's something that has a lot of layers to it because I mean, similar to saying what it means to be your most authentic self, there's a lot that goes into that. Like being your most authentic self requires you to shed so much conditioning, so much fear, so many beliefs that you have inherited and lived by for years and years and years of your life, maybe even decades of your life. Like, you are required to take everything that you have learned and actively go through pretty much everything. And this is why this is a whole process of life and growing and whatever. Like, you have to go through the core wounds that you have, the core beliefs you have about why you have to act a certain way, or who it is that you want to please, or why you why your behavior is catered in a certain way around certain people. You have to actively go through and vet all of these things within yourself, within your psyche, and understand why it's there, where it comes from, and if you actually want to consistently keep engaging with these thoughts, or if you want to make a change. And this is very deeply tied into the performative energy because performative energy can be said to just be acting in a way that implies you are taking on these conditioned beliefs or conditioned behaviors, which inherently are not true to you and not true to your soul, your life force energy, your very unique imprint and makeup as an individual. A version of this that is kind of on steroids is people pleasing, where you know how you how someone else wants you to behave. You know what someone else wants, you know what kind of behavior they want you to partake in. Even if you don't really want to do that, even if you don't really agree, even if you don't really care about what this person thinks, but you want to please them, you changing your behavior to match their expectations is a version of this performative energy. And it's it's a way of betraying yourself, it's a way of abandoning yourself, and it comes from the same kind of conditioned beliefs of like I find more safety and comfort, or I have greater access to love when I sacrifice my needs and I put other people's needs before mine. This is a very common trait for a lot of people to learn, especially if you're someone who's energetically sensitive or just a very empathetic person. You can very easily learn and be conditioned with the idea that it is safer, it is better, it's more admirable if you completely leave behind all of your needs, your beliefs, your wants, and substitute those for what other people want so that you can obtain a level of acceptance or safety or love, whatever that kind of shifting of your behavior gives you. This is what turns people into chameleons in their social lives and in just how they behave externally to the world, where they get so used to constantly just putting on a show and performing for people and sacrificing themselves and their own needs, or not knowing how to communicate their needs or even hear themselves think or listen to what they actually really want. Because for so long they have learned that they have more access to love, safety, warmth, belonging when they don't do that, when they ignore themselves and they supplement what they want with what someone or something outside of them wants, and usually in order to achieve, like I said, a level of acceptance or love. This is like the core source of performative energy on a very high-level general plane of view. And where I have felt this come up for me, maybe maybe why I'm feeling like this this way today, is that I just really don't, I just really dislike it. I just I know it sounds so dumb. I just I really, really fucking hate it. I really just am getting so I'm not getting, like, I am so sick and tired of the behaviors and actions and thoughts that I have carried with me for however many years of my life that still influence my the pressure for me to like actively fit in today or change my behavior to what I know things outside of me want. Like I'm just so tired of supplementing the truth that I know within me and what actually works best for me, because I have a fear that if I actually claim that and if I stand in the truth of what I actually want and go against the grain of what I know everyone or everything outside of me wants for me, which isn't even to say that that's the case, but let's say it is, like if I go against that and I l decide to listen to my own truth and not other people's truths, then it feels really fucking scary because it's like, okay, what's gonna happen though? Like, there's a lot of fear associated with going against the grain and actually living as your most authentic self and not living from this performative energy because again, it provides you with a sense of safety and perceived acceptance and love and belonging from people most likely who you really care about. A lot of people, I think, have an easier time with ignoring judgments from people who are not close to them. Maybe some more than others, but I think of this as the comments I've gotten on like the one video I had blow up, like super random. I didn't really care as much about the opinions of other people in these comment sections and like whatever rage-baiting comments that I saw. I I didn't really care about any of these people because they're all strangers to me. Who I do really, really, really care about the opinions of are people who I am closest with, or my family, my friends, like just everyone who who knows me deeply, who is close to me in my life, who has seen me act a certain way, or has a certain perception of me, or expects me to behave in a certain way, even in the more like professional setting, not necessarily with just work, but even the outward-facing external perception of other people in terms of what is expected of me on a professional level, like in terms of having a secure, stable job, or following a certain track for a certain field of like certain tests to take or metrics to hit, whatever it may be. Like, I just I think of all of these external systems, these external sources of noise, and where it deeply affects me is when I think about what is my truth, what do I actually want, versus what do all of these people who I care deeply about, whose like opinions mean a lot to me, what do they genuinely think of me, or what do they want from me? Or if I do listen to the actual truth of my desires and I stop performing in the ways that I notice myself doing so, where will that lead me? What outcomes will that get me? What if that loop makes me lose people in my life? What if people see me differently? What if I'm seen as less than? What if I'm seen as you know, XYZ thing, which is where all of this fear comes from because this performative energy, the people pleasing, whatever you want to call it, that energy is what kept you safe from those perceptions of like, oh my gosh, what if someone thinks this of me? And if we follow that track of fear, the what if XYZ happens, the worst case scenario outcome that comes from that is always that you are going to be ostracized from the group. Your friends are gonna see you differently, your partner's gonna see you differently, your family's gonna see you differently, everyone's gonna judge you, they're gonna think you're a fucking loser, they're gonna think you're lazy, they're gonna think you're whatever. Like you you come up with these worst-case scenarios of like these horrible perceptions of you that are possible outcomes from the pe like for the people closest to you to think of you. Obviously, if you're thinking that way, as your brain's designed to do, your brain is designed to keep you safe from like the perceived threat of being rejected, then you're not gonna want to change. You're not gonna want to necessarily always follow the path that is most aligned for your soul or your truth, or the most potently aligned to your uniqueness and fulfillment. You're gonna want to follow the path that keeps you away from having to feel the fear and discomfort of not being accepted by the people who are closest to you because you perceive that that is a potential outcome if you do decide to listen to your own truth. And for me right now, it's feeling like I can't really discern on a very internal, subconscious, like survival mode level, if I believe that it is worth it for me to potentially sacrifice the certainty that I am currently accepted as I am right now for going off on a different path or even showing up in a different way or making different decisions or just fully admitting the truth of who I am in some ways. Like if I decide to do that, is it really worth it for me to go through that kind of pain and discomfort and the potential loss of this image that I have upheld for so long, especially for the people who are closest to me? Because no one wants to fucking have someone's perception be entirely changed of them. No one wants to go against the grain, no one wants to be the person who who stands out. Like, yeah, I may be someone who is very, very hard to control when it comes to you know getting me to comply with something. Like, if I am vehemently against something, great example of this peer pressure, drinking, whatever. If I don't want to do something, I am not doing it. I do not fucking care what someone else thinks, or if someone's gonna be like, oh, you're so boring, like blah blah blah. I don't fucking care. I don't fucking care. I don't know if you guys can hear it in my voice, but that's coming from like I am I am in the bedrock layers of being so solid when I decide that I know very deeply that I don't want to do something or I don't agree with something when I feel like it comes from a place that is not like right, like morally unjust. Not that peer pressure drinking is that, but you you get what I'm saying. When something feels wrong or I don't want to do it, and I have committed to that, genuinely nothing can change my mind. Like I am extremely solid and rooted in myself. And even still, this this oh, there are certain areas of my life where I'm like that kind of energy of the the non-compliance and the the sticking to my truth and sticking to who I am or what I really want feels a lot harder because it feels like taking that leap and having that kind of embodiment is in an area of my life that is like untraversed terrain. Like I just have not gone here before. I have not talked about things that seem, I don't know, more spiritual, more intuitive topics that are like things that are like very, very sensitive topics in like very personal areas of my life right now, like, or even just my my professional standings to I don't know, people who I graduated college with, people who are on LinkedIn and who are talking about their careers and how I took this exam and this exam and I'm certified in this and I'm doing that, and like I'm working all these hours a week, like just all of these external pressures in certain areas of my life are where I feel the most connected to performative energy. And lately there is like a major, I don't know what it is, but something very internal inside of me is just feeling like a heavily, heavily deep sense of friction when it comes to that performative energy, even in those areas of life. I think I've just been through a purge of things that are just are not inherent to me and do not come from me and are not intrinsic to me, and I have yet to, like I said, traverse this terrain where certain areas of my life, like yeah, I'm super rooted in my truth, but other ones I have hidden. I have been quiet. I'm still discovering who I really am and what I really want, and I have just come to this point of discomfort where it's like shit, what if what I really want isn't what I know everyone else wants from me? Or I know that it doesn't necessarily match everything I've been told is this is the correct way to do it. Like, this is what you should do. Oh, are you doing XYZ thing? Are you on this track? Are you doing this? Are you acting in this way? Are you like just insert however many fucking things and opinions that you can apply to your life because I feel like there's gotta be at least a few people listening to this here who relate to what I'm saying? Hopefully more. But whoever feels called to listen to this, I hope that you relate to this experience. And it can feel very isolating, and it just it just feels very intrinsically wrong. And you know how I just mentioned like the the deep internal sense of commitment that I have to very easily be able to say no to something that I don't think is right or I don't want to do. I think so much friction is coming up for me right now because I can sense that on the deepest of deep levels, I that part of me that doesn't like to be controlled, that is very freedom-oriented, knows that it's like being extended to not feeling the freedom to be authentic in all areas of my life, including the ones that haven't really been touched by that level of determination and discernment when it comes to being myself, like the areas that have felt more sensitive for me to be able to actually like speak my truth, and the ones where I feel just just more like conditioning and sensitivity to. I I think that the part inside of me, like the angry, the part that gets angry when I'm being overly controlled by something, feels this this fear and this suffocation of being controlled in those areas of my life, and that is making me very like apprehensive and like angry towards that sort of control, and like anywhere where I have performative energy at all, on like a whole new level, like a level of like crack that I have not experienced in my life, and it's just creating like a very, very, very high level of discomfort. Because you could say a lot of discomfort just comes from knowing that there's somewhere else you want to be, but you are not there yet, and the difference between where you want to be or where you think where you no reset the difference between where you think you should be, where you want to be versus where you are, that those two things being different is what creates a lot of discomfort, and I feel like I have been experiencing. That just a lot lately when it comes to performative energy. I feel like there shouldn't be anywhere in my life where I have this performative energy, where I'm hiding myself, where I'm not being authentic. And then at the same time, the part of me who is conditioned, who wants to be accepted, believes that I should be acting a certain way, or I should be, you know, behaving in this way, or following these belief systems, or doing this thing, or not talking too much on this, or not being loud, or or staying quiet, or the things that I quote unquote should be doing in order to be accepted. So then we come back to the same point where it's like two different versions of you: the version of you that is most authentic to your soul, and the version of you that is most committed to being accepted by other people. And the catch here is that I haven't truly experienced this yet, which isn't to say that the people in my life are not like soul bonded to me. So take that with a grain of salt. But I know that when you are most authentically yourself and you are most aligned to like your soul, your most potent level of truth and authenticity, you attract and magnetize the people who are absolutely 100% meant to be like in your life to you. And when you are actually committed to performing for other people and to being accepted, you are not getting the same level of acceptance, of love, of like deep soul-level bonds that you could probably be experiencing if you committed to authenticity when you decide to commit to performing for others, because the safety and acceptance that you feel when you act in a certain way, when you believe in a certain way that you know other people want you to think, that's not actually true. Like that's that's not the deepest depths of safety that you can feel. It's not the deepest levels of love, it's actually kind of just like surface level, it's cheap. It's not it's not real. Like there, there are deeper versions of love and acceptance that are available to you. And ironically, the fear of you not being accepted by other people is the exact thing that is keeping you from finding your people who are going to accept you fully. Isn't that a mind fuck? Like, Jesus, what a fun experience we have to go on to just like redo our minds basically and kind of just go through this conditioning and planning and deciding and freaking taking the taking the leap and feeling the fear and doing it anyways, and deciding to be a more authentic version of yourself. Like, it's really hard. It's really hard. And their performative energy for me is just feeling like a complete, it's feeling like excessively draining lately, and it's been kind of hard for me to actually make the leap of like okay, gradually more and more. How can I express myself? How can I be more authentic? How can I not censor myself or keep myself quiet? Because I know that there's a lot inside of me that like is ready to come out, like in terms of voice and impact and influence on the world. Like, I know there's more inside of me that is ready to be shared, and there are just things that are very personal to me in my life and experiences and internal growth that I am going through or have to go through, or just challenges, whatever you want to say, that are required for me to kind of endure and just conquer, for lack of a better word, before I'm actually able to reach those levels of confidence and authentic oh my god, excuse me, authenticity. So, all in all, performative energy is the commitment to acting in a certain way that is based off of the beliefs of what other people want for you and conforming to their behavior to obtain a level of acceptance that is more more or less surface level, rather than choosing to go the uncomfortable route and go through experiencing the fear of rejection, of judgment, of whatever fears you might have when it comes to being expressed and authentic and actually listening to the truth of what you want, and not only listening to it, but fully owning it. That is the other side of the coin. I hope that made sense. I feel like I kind of just lost my train of thought, but you know what I mean. That the two different points here, the main difference is are you going to choose going through an uncomfortable path to be able to actually live fully as yourself? And in doing so, you will, I genuinely promise you, you will find the people who are truly meant for you and are actually like soul bonded, soul committed to your growth, and like love you on like the deepest of deep levels? Are you going to choose that? Or are you going to choose to continue performing and conforming your behavior to act in a certain way that you know will appease other people and be pleasing to external systems, societal expectations, family expectations, the expectations of your friends and how they believe? Like, are you going to conform to all of these external systems that are not true to you, that do not bring you a deep level of soulful fulfillment, just so that you can have this perceived sense of safety, belonging, and acceptance that will never actually reach the deepest of deep levels inside of your heart and soul to be able to fully see you as your most authentic self. It's a really fucking like I'm genuinely, guys. I'm oh let's all just take a deep breath, okay? I'm gonna take a deep breath. It's been a really hard time, and everyone will say, like, oh my god, just gonna be your most authentic self. Like it's so easy. Little do you little do they know, little do they tell you that it's actually the hardest fucking experience of your life, but something tells me it has to be worth it. If there has been everyone that I see who has gone through this process and like really committed themselves to it is living like the best version of life that they have available to them, even not necessarily with like a million dollars and you know, basking in the riches of the world, but just true deep happiness and internal intrinsic fulfillment. The people who have like those kind of best versions of life and the best friendships and relationships are the ones who actually have the courage to be fully themselves, even when it goes against the grain, even when it's scary, even when it doesn't make people happy. If it makes you happy and it's something that is not coming from this egotistical self-serving place, but this place of true, deep soul connection to what you know you want for yourself, then if you follow that, I truly do believe that that is like genuinely the entire purpose of life that God has put us here to have. Because following your desires and being more of yourself is only going to bring you closer to being able to fulfill the purpose that you have on this earth and kind of like the mission of why you're here. And if you're able to do that, you are able to spread more love. Even that does not have to look like a massive social media following, it can look like doing whatever it is, whatever you feel most called to, whatever brings you joy that comes from a loving place that is not egotistical, self-serving, whatever. Like that true calling of yours is the medicine that is going to heal this world. If everyone follows it, if everyone listens to their truest callings and their fulfillment, and they try to find themselves on the path back to being more of their authentic selves and less of the version of selves that version of themselves that everyone else wants them to be on that journey. I truly do feel like you not only find yourself, but you also find like the deepest connection to God as just the creator of all things that you could ever have, and that deep sense of connection, of purpose, of fulfillment, of authentic expression, I really do feel is the medicine that is going to heal this entire world. So I hope you guys enjoyed this episode and got something out of it. If you feel called, I would love if you rated this show on Spotify or I think Apple Podcasts. I honestly, guys, I'm a Spotify girly. No offense to Apple Podcasts or anything else. Spotify Girly. So if you do feel also called, I would appreciate if you left a comment, a rating, a review. Follow me on Instagram, I've been a little quiet, but I I'll return eventually. I promise. This this deep period of like internal intrinsic like reprogramming, guys. It's like I'm I'm promise you there's there's more to see than what meets the eye, as for all people on social media. So I hope you all are doing well. And thank you for being here. I truly do appreciate every single one of you who listens to my episodes and follows along, and I I love the community yet. I just love seeing that people are actually like engaging and listening to the show, it means a lot. Not from this place of like, oh my god, I can't believe people are listening. It's just it's hard for me to understand that the people listening to this episode are like actually genuinely getting like a payoff or impacted or enjoying it. Like, I I don't know. I'm still just getting used to everything. So, anyways, thank you for being here. I hope you all are well. Go be your most organic selves, and I will see you in the next one.