The Should Trap

Have you ever noticed how often the word should influences the way you show up in relationships?

I should be easier to love.
I shouldn't need reassurance.
I should be more confident.
I should be the one who reaches out.
They should just know what I need.

So often, we don't realize how much our relationships are shaped by invisible expectations. Expectations of who we should be, how we should act, and what we believe makes us worthy of love and acceptance.

In this episode, we’re exploring how these "shoulds" can lead us to mask who we are, hold ourselves back, overgive, overperform, or try so hard to be loved that we lose connection with ourselves.

We’ll talk about:

•  How expectations create emotional masks 
•  Why we sometimes hide our needs, feelings, and true selves 
•  The difference between authentic connection and performing for acceptance 
•  How perfectionism and people-pleasing show up in relationships 
•  The question that can start freeing you from limiting rules: "Who decided this was the rule?"

Healthy relationships aren't built on being the perfect version of yourself. They're built on honesty, vulnerability, boundaries, and the courage to let yourself be fully seen.

If you've ever felt like you have to be "less" or "more" of something to be loved, this conversation is for you.

I would love to hear how your inner mean girl is showing up and what tools are working for you!

Let's connect! you can find me on Instagram or Facebook

For more information on The Rewrite Collective membership click here

Love, Rach

Transcript

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Welcome to Rewrite Her Voice, the podcast that takes a bold and compassionate look at the inner critic living rent-free in your head. You know the one. She's judgmental, perfectionistic, and never misses a chance to tear you down. But here's the truth: that voice isn't truly you. Each week we dive into an honest conversation with powerful stories and practical tools to uncover where that inner mean girl came from, why she shows up, and how to rewrite her script. It's time to reclaim your inner voice, break the cycle of self-sabotage, and speak to yourself with the kindness and strength you deserve. If you're ready to stop letting your inner mean girl run the show and start showing up as your most authentic, empowered self, let's go. Hello, my sweet friend. Welcome back. Have you ever noticed how often the word should shows up in your mind? I should text first. I shouldn't be so emotional. I should be more confident. I should be easier to love. They should know what I need. They shouldn't act like that. Most of us don't even realize how much of our relationships are being shaped by invisible expectations. Not just the expectations we have of other people, but the expectations we've placed on ourselves. And today, I want to explore what those expectations actually do to the way we show up with the people we love. Because I think so many of the struggles we experience in relationships aren't because we're bad at relationships. They're because we're trying so hard to be the version version of ourselves we think we're supposed to be. Think about how expectations change your behavior. Maybe you learned that good daughters don't speak up. Good wives don't ask for too much. Strong women don't cry. Confident people don't need reassurance. Easy going people don't have boundaries. Whether those messages came from family or culture, religion, school, or maybe past relationships, they've become rules. And eventually those rules become identities. So instead of asking what feels true for me, we start asking, what am I supposed to do here? And sometimes that leads us to mask. We hide parts of ourselves because we think those parts aren't acceptable. We smile when we're hurt, we laugh things off, we become the easy one, the helper, the fixer, the people pleaser. Not because that's who we are, but because somewhere along the way we learned it was safer than being fully ourselves. Other times, expectations make us hold back. Maybe you don't tell someone you care about them because they should say it first. You don't pursue something because you should already know how. You don't ask questions because you should have it figured out. You don't set a boundary because they'll think you're difficult. The expectation becomes a cage. And then there's the opposite, trying way too hard, working overtime to earn love, over explaining, overgiving, overperforming, constantly monitoring how you're being perceived. And it's not because you're needy. It's because somewhere deep down you've connected your worth with getting it right. Sometimes expectations even make us stop trying altogether. If I can't be perfect, why bother? If they're just going to leave anyway, why invest? If I'm going to disappoint people, maybe I should just keep my distance. Expectations don't only create perfectionism, they can also create avoidance. One of the most freeing questions I've started asking myself is who decided this was a rule? Okay? So who decided I had to be low maintenance to be lovable? Who decided asking for reassurance means I'm weak? Who decided conflict means the relationship is failing? Who decided rest has to be earned? Who decided vulnerability is dangerous? Sometimes you'll find the answer. And sometimes you won't. But simply questioning the expectation loosens its grip. Healthy relationships aren't built on perfect performances. They're built on honesty, they're built on repair. They're built on allowing yourself to be fully known. Not perfectly, okay, because no one's perfect. Truthfully, okay. Because if someone only loves the version of you that's constantly masking, they don't actually know you, do they? And if you're always performing, you'll constantly wonder if the love is for you or the character you can play. But that's an exhausting way to live. But this week, I want to leave you with a simple reflection, okay? Pay attention every time you hear to yourself, say the word should. I don't want you to judge it, but I just want you to get curious. Ask yourself, is this expectation helping me become more authentic or is it pulling me further away from myself? That one question might completely change how you show up in your relationships. Because the healthiest relationships aren't built by becoming who you think you should be. They're built by having the courage to let yourself be seen as you already are. That true authentic you. Okay? Now, if today's episode resonated with you, I would love to hear what should you've been caring that you're ready to question. Share it in the comments or send me a message. I really love hearing from you guys when you have those aha moments and those reflections, and when you have the answer to the questions, I love it. And if you're craving more conversations like this one, where we move beyond the awareness into real lasting change and we take the actions, join my email list and join our rewrite collective community. That's where we continue these conversations with those deeper reflections, those practical tools, and a space to remember that you don't have to perform your way into belonging. Okay? So until next time, I want you to pay attention to the stories you're living by. Because sometimes the smallest shift isn't changing who you are, it's letting go of who you thought you had to be. And remember this: you are worthy. You are enough and you are loved. Until the next time, my sweet, sweet friend. Love Reach. Hey, my sweet friend. Thank you so much for spending time with me today on Rewrite Her Voice. If you love today's episode, will you hit that subscribe button for me? And be sure to share it with a friend. If you're ready to quiet your inner mean girl and step into your own authentic voice, I would love for you to join me inside our cultivating membership. Until next time, remember, you are enough.