Ep 29: Rewiring Conversations: The Science of Truly Understanding Others

Why do we feel like we’re saying the same thing… and still not being understood?

In this episode of Rewired, we explore the science of communication and why understanding — not just speaking — is the key to meaningful connection.

Drawing on the work of Charles Duhigg, we unpack why conversations break down and how to recognize the three types of conversations happening beneath the surface:

• Practical Conversations – focused on solving problems and making decisions
• Emotional Conversations – focused on feeling heard, validated, and understood
• Social Conversations – focused on identity, roles, and belonging

When we miss the type of conversation we’re in, we don’t just miscommunicate…

We miss each other.

You’ll also learn a powerful, research-backed tool called The Loop for Understanding — a simple practice that helps reduce defensiveness, build trust, and improve how we think together.

Because from a neuroscience perspective, feeling understood isn’t just emotional…

It’s biological.

🔁 A Quick Practice to Rewire Your Conversations

In your next conversation — especially a challenging one — pause and ask:

What kind of conversation is this?
Practical, Emotional, or Social?

Then, before offering advice or solutions, try The Loop for Understanding:

1. Ask a curious question
   “Can you tell me more about that?”
2. Reflect what you heard
   “So what I’m hearing is…”
3. Confirm understanding
   “Did I get that right?”

Stay in the loop until the other person says:
“Yes — that’s exactly what I meant.”

Because when people feel understood…

They open.
They think more clearly.
They connect more deeply.

And that’s how we begin rewiring conversations — and relationships — for the better.

💬 Ready to Go Deeper?

If this episode resonated and you’re ready to strengthen your communication, relationships, and patterns, we’re offering a limited-time opportunity for listeners:

✨ 20% off Individual & Couples Coaching
📅 Now through April 20, 2026
🔗 https://yesempower.com/coaching/

💻 Use code: REWIRED

Whether you’re navigating personal growth, leadership, or your relationship — coaching creates the space to slow down, reflect, and truly be understood.

If this episode resonated, share it with someone in your world — a colleague, a partner, or a leader.

Because learning how to truly understand each other…

changes everything.

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Empowered people empower people. Live intentionally. Lead thoughtfully. Grow through awareness.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Welcome to Rewired. I'm your host, Tiffany Grimes, with Empower Coaching and Training. Hello and welcome back to Rewired. This is Tiffany, your host, and I'm so glad you're here. I want to take a moment before we dive in just to really, really say thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for continuing to show up to the Rewired Podcast and the Rewired and Empower community. I know you have a lot of options when it comes to podcasts. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by this so many things I want to listen to. I know you have no shortage of things to do in your time. And so I'm just grateful for you and wanted to take a moment to say thanks for that. And thanks for sharing. Thanks for reviewing us. Thanks for following us in all the ways that you have been supporting the Rewired Podcast on our very first season. I also want to remind you that you can send in your questions as uh the weather has changed, at least where I'm at, it's gotten sunny. I've seen the number of questions that come through dwindle. So just a reminder: if you have ever wanted to ask a professional life coach something, um, this is a great chance. So you can email us at info at yesempower.com. And again, I have an amazing team of coaches. So it won't just be me. I will often lean into the other coaches if it's a niche topic or something that they work in. Also, before we dive in, I want to let you know about something cool that's going on. So from now, which it's mid-March when I'm recording this, it'll probably be a little bit later once I get it out to you. But now, whenever you're hearing this through April 20th, we are offering 20% off for our Rewired listeners for anyone who wants to explore coaching and work with one of our amazing professional coaches. You've had the chance to meet so many of those folks through Rewired, and you can do individual focused work on them. And what I wanted to do is just take a second to let you know how very, very, very, very affordable Empower makes our coaching packages. This is just a mission of ours. It has always been since day one. It aligns with our values. And so it is at a price point that is an entry-level price point for a lot of folks. So we have a variety of coaches. We have different prices based on that coach's certification, years of experience, languages they offer, and so forth. But what I wanted to let you know is an individual coaching package, which is a package of three sessions, anywhere between 45 to 60 minutes. You're working with an ICF aligned and accredited coach. You have access to a lot of different things that we will send your way, including free workbooks and all these other great benefits beyond just the individual coaching packages. That package of three with an amazing empowered coach starts at$264. Three coaching sessions. And through April 20th, you can use promo code Rewired to take 20% off that. So you can get an amazing coaching package for$211. We have the same 20% off discount promo code for our couples coaching as well. You've had a chance to listen to Coach Satya. That's who you would get a chance to work with with you and your partner. That is normally$393 as an entry three package session. Those sessions are longer because there's more than just you and the coach. And so again, using that promo code, it saves you$78 and brings that couple's coaching costs down to$314 for three amazing, powerful, transformational coaching sessions. So I just want to put that out there and say it. Lots of people ask about coaching and pricing of things can get delicate. We post all of our prices on our website, yesimpower.com. You can explore them, check them out, come meet our amazing coaches and use your promo code Rewired. All right, let's dive into today's topic. I'm actually really, well, I'm always excited for the topic, but I'm especially excited for the topic today because we are talking about communication. We're diving into something that impacts every part of all of our lives, our work, our leadership, our relationships. That is, of course, communication, but not just how we communicate, why we so often miss each other, even when we're trying really hard to connect. And I know I'm not alone in that. I want to start with a question I hear very often, which is some version of why do I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over? And they, and that can be partner, professional colleague, children, whoever that is, and they're just not getting it. Or maybe you've been on the other side of that, listening, trying, and still feel like something's off. What if the issue isn't that we're bad communicators? So again, we're gonna take that identity-based thinking and just take it right off the plate. What if we let go of that identity that I'm a bad communicator? What if it's what we don't realize? We're having completely different conversations at the same time. So I'm communicating quite well over here in my bucket, and you're communicating quite well over there in your bucket. But really, to make this a powerful and great conversation, we need to get into the same bucket. So we're going to play with that today, along with some really great tools that you can walk away with to activate some great listening and reflective skills. This idea of being in completely different buckets shifted how I think about communication. And it comes from Charles Duhig. He doesn't call them buckets, that's that's my terminology, but he calls them different conversations. And the it comes from his book, Super Communicators. And I've been diving into that book. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts that he's been on lately, sharing some research around it. It's so great. I want to highly recommend it. Charles Dohig, again, in this book, suggests that most of us think communication problems happen because people aren't listening. And we kind of spoke to this already. He then goes in to talk about this idea of what if it's actually that we're having these different conversations at the same time? According to Duhig, there are three main types of conversation. And every conversation we have falls into one of these categories. Since I've been doing the reading and the research, I've been really listening because when whenever somebody says everything falls into one of these categories, my brain actively starts looking for the one that won't. But so far, I have to tell you, I have found that every one of these has fallen into one of these categories. So let's talk about what these are. So the first one are practical conversations. And again, this is Dooh Higgs' language. So he talks about practical conversations. So what's this really about? These are conversations about solving problems, making decisions, figuring out logistics. This is where a lot of leaders, a lot of parents, a lot of frontline workers, we naturally go into these areas. We hear a problem and we want to move towards solution. That is a practical conversation. And you can think about the many ways that that shows up in the conversations that you are part of, both in the listening part and in the speaking part. The second conversation, what I would call the second bucket, is the emotional conversation. So how do we feel? These conversations are not about solving, they're about being heard, being valued, expressing emotion. And here's where we often get it wrong. Someone says, I'm overwhelmed, and we respond with, well, have you tried prioritizing your tasks? Have you tried this SMART goal? Have you worked with a coach? Have you, right? We start jumping into practical conversations when the other person is actually in an emotional conversation. That was so relatable to me as I read about that. I had some kind of embarrassing, you know, these like, oh God, I do this. I do this, I can see this. Where I've jumped over to a different bucket. They're not asking for solution, they were really asking to be understood, and I missed that. And then the third bucket, the third conversation is social conversations. So who are we? These are conversations about identity. So think about them as who am I in this relationship? You know, what's my role? What's your role? What does this say about me? Do I belong here? These are conversations happening underneath the conversations. So imagine this: a leader gives feedback, thinking they're having a practical conversation, but the employee hears it as a social conversation about their values. That's when things get charged. Because now we're not talking about the task, we're talking about identity. Most communication breakdowns happen when we are in these different types of conversation. One person is trying to solve, the other person is trying to be seen, and neither of them realize it. And we walk away feeling frustrated, judging ourselves, or judging the other person, or feeling like we're just not meshing, you know, or just not seeing eye to eye on this, or I'm just trying to help. What's the problem, right? Why are they not moving to solution with me over here? So, what do we do about this? And this is where Doohig gets into some really applicable skills. I just taught this loop of understanding. This is what Doohig calls it. I just taught this in a masterclass on Wednesday, full of wonderful, amazing coaches learning really how to hold space for others. So let's dive into this. The loop for understanding. Doohig offers this simple and I think very powerful tool and also a tool that doesn't add pressure to us. Here's what I mean by that. The first thing we're going to do when somebody shares something with us, whatever it is, let's say there's a concern or something they're energized about, for example, I am going to practice step one, which is ask a curious question. So things like, will you tell me more about that? Or what made this exciting for you? What made this challenging for you? We're opening up the door for the person to share more. We are getting more of the story. We we might be getting a better picture of what bucket they're coming into the conversation with. So we are expanding and broadening and really deepening the conversation as well. So really allowing space for the person. And we might ask a few of these questions. Tell me more. What does that mean for you? What made that exciting for you in that moment? And so forth. Then we move to step two, which is that we are reflecting what we heard. We might even use the entry phrase. So what I'm hearing is, what I heard you say is we are reflecting back. We might be using some of their own words. And then we confirm. So we ask a question that's something like, did I get it right? That's step three. Did I get that right? Am I understanding that correctly? And then here's the key to that. So step one, step two, step three, we're being curious, we're reflecting what we heard, we're confirming because what we want to get to is to hear that speaker say, Yeah, that's exactly what I meant. Yeah, that's exactly what I was trying to say. Or they say, you know, that's not exactly what I meant. And they start to explain it again, and we go back to step one. And really in this exercise, what Doohig is challenging us to do is to get to a place where people are feeling understood. Let's talk about the neuroscience of that. Why is that important? Why is feeling understood important? Now let's connect this to the brain because this is where it gets really powerful. The brain is constantly asking one question in conversations. Am I safe? Our brain is designed first and foremost to keep us safe. And we have many parts of our brain designed to be giving us the answer to that question. Am I safe? When we feel misunderstood, the brain can interpret that as a threat. So let's dive into this. This is where to me it gets really juicy. When we think about the understanding loop and why being understood is so important, let's look at four different uh neuroscience responses to that answer. Why is feeling understood so important? So, first, feeling understood reduces the threat response. When someone feels misunderstood, the brain often interprets that as a social threat. Research in social neuroscience shows that the brain processes social rejection or invalidation. So this kind of dismissing, if you will, similarly to physical pain. When someone reflects our thought accurately, so this is what I think I heard you say. Did I get that right? The brain interprets that as social safety. We are hardwired for safety. It eases the brain. The result being that we have lower defensiveness, there's lower cortisol levels, more openness to collaboration, reflecting and confirming reflect signals. I am safe with you. The second thing when we think about why feeling understood mean so much to us as human beings, is that our brains sink during good conversation. So Doohig really discusses this quite a bit in his book. He discusses research showing that during effective communication, and I want you to think about a time where you've been in a conversation where it's really feeling good. It's feeling like it's flowing. What's happening in those conversations is that brain activity between two people begin to synchronize. That is fascinating to me. Studies using brain imaging have shown that when people feel understood, neural activity patterns begin to align. Attention networks synchronize. So we're both in these kind of leaned forward prefrontal cortex conversations, comprehension increases. This phenomenon is called neural coupling. I love this idea. And as soon as I read about it, I thought of at least five conversations that I have felt this. And then people that I feel this with often. And then when I go back, I think they're listening to me. You know, we're listening to each other in conversations. This is neurocoupling. We are connecting and really synchronized in this conversation. When the listener relates what they heard, it increases the likelihood that both brains are aligned on the same meaning. So I'm actively listening while you're speaking, and that gets me engaged in this conversation in a very different way. The third thing is being heard activates reward pathways. And that kind of makes sense as we think about these neural loopings and these that really makes sense as we think about this idea of neural coupling. When people feel understood, the brain releases dopamine, so our reward systems, and oxytocin, that connection chemical. So these together are associated with connection, with trust, with positive reinforcement. This is one reason why people feel energized after a great conversation. The listener's reflection acts as a reward signal, reinforcing openness and honesty. And then that looping just continues. And then the fourth piece I want to bring into this is that misunderstanding triggers cognitive load. I want you to think about, think back to conversations where you were not having understanding looping. There were no neurocoupling experiences happening, and you walk away feeling frustrated. That is that cognitive load. You're questioning, you're defending, you feel misunderstood, or you feel like, yeah, I just couldn't get it right, right? So that's that cognitive load. So when someone is misunderstood, the brain must constantly re-explain, defend, or reinterpret their message. So a lot of activity is happening consistently throughout that conversation when we're just not feeling understood. This increases cognitive load, which makes conversations even more frustrating and definitely inefficient. The understanding loop, so that three-step process we just talked about ensures that both people share the same mental load before moving forward. We're both in this, we're both actively listening to what is going on. This frees up cognitive resources for problem solving and creativity. So thinking about, you know, the reason the understanding loop works is because the brain is constantly scanning for one thing in all conversations. Am I safe? Am I understood? When someone reflects our thoughts accurately, it's a nervous system ease. It's it relaxes the nervous system, it activates the parasympathetic nervous system. So when our nervous system relaxes, our thinking gets better. Feeling understood is not just emotional, it's biological. And I think that's a really great summary to so much of what is happening in good conversations and what is being lost in hard conversations. So I want to give you a quick practice. I want to offer you something simple to try immediately. Try this week. As always, I'll put this little practice in the show notes so that you have access to it. In your next conversation, especially if it's a difficult one, pause and ask yourself before you respond at all, what kind of conversation is this? Is this practical? Is this emotional? Is this social? Where is this person at as they're expressing this to me? And then before we even respond with what we would normally jump in with, we're going to pause and try the loop. We're going to ask, we're going to reflect. And we're going to confirm. So we're going to get curious. We're going to reflect back to them what we think we heard. And then we're going to ask, did I get that right? And what we want before we move on to anything else is, yeah, that's exactly what I meant. And if we don't get that, we go back and we ask the question again until we get to that place. It is such a powerful investment in our time and in our relationship and in the quality of that conversation to do this work. Think about the four reasons I just gave around why feeling understood matters. What happens for us as human beings? We are energized. We are looping with each other. I feel understood. And so that means I'm moving to my prefrontal cortex. I'm decreasing a cognitive load. These are powerful things, right? So investing in the time to help a person feel understood is such a quality, is such an important investment in the person who we're speaking with, in ourselves as the listener, and in the relationship that we're having together. I want to leave you with this thought. Communication isn't just about saying the right thing. And overwhelmingly, it is not about fixing the problem. Often we're jumping in in those practical conversations when it is in fact an emotional conversation. So even if we just let go of that idea that most people aren't coming to us for us to fix something, and yet we are often showing up with the belt on, ready to fix things, right? That tool belt full of good ideas and full of advice. Communication is about creating the conditions where someone feels truly understood. They are the experts in their life. So when we create that platform, they're hearing themselves and understanding themselves and how they're in relationship to the issue in a way that we can't ever quote unquote fix, right? So just that paradigm shift. How can I show up to this conversation where someone feels truly heard? Not how do I step in and fix? When people feel understood, they open, they think more clearly, they connect more deeply. And that is where real change happens. If this resonates with you or gets you curious, I'd love for you to share this episode with someone, a colleague, a partner, a friend. Because this work, this practice of understanding each other matters. And imagine sharing it with somebody that you are in conversation with a lot and creating a practice together. You can even create language. Hey, I'm coming to you emotionally. This is an emotional conversation. Like, let me just prep you for what this is so you can go ahead and get in this bucket of mine and help me feel understood. It matters. So let us know what you think of this, how you're practicing this, and please do share it. Until next time, my friends, keep rewiring. Keep this idea of neuroplasticity alive. Rewire the way you think, rewire the way you lead, rewire the way you connect. Take care and we'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to Rewired, where neuroscience meets real life change. If you enjoyed today's conversation, I'd be so grateful if you take a moment to leave a five-star review. Your feedback helps people discover the tools, insights, and inspirations they need to create lasting change. While you're leaving that five-star review, please also subscribe and share an episode with a friend. Remember, the way you think shapes the way you live. Every intentional thought, every mindful choice rewires your brain and your life. So go live intentionally. Live thoughtfully and never underestimate the power of your own mind to transform your world. Until next time, this is Tiffany with Empower Coaching and Training. Stay curious, stay empowered, and keep rewiring for real change.