Ep 33 - Rewiring Relationships: What Nature Teaches Us About Who We Keep Close

What if the natural world could teach us how to better understand our relationships?

In this solo episode of Rewired, Tiffany records from the stunning John Day Fossil Beds National Monument after attending Outdoor Science School with her child—where a lesson on ecosystems sparked a powerful reflection on human connection.

From mutualism (where both benefit) to competition, parasitism, and relationships that quietly drain us, Tiffany explores how patterns found in nature often mirror the dynamics in our personal and professional lives.

You’ll learn how your nervous system responds to relationships, why some connections energize while others exhaust you, and how awareness can help you begin rewiring toward healthier, more mutual relationships.

This episode includes thoughtful reflection questions to help you examine what kinds of relationships you’re practicing—and what may need to change.

In This Episode:

• The relationship patterns found in nature—and how they show up in human life
• Why your brain and body respond to draining relationships
• How overgiving, people-pleasing, and resentment develop
• What mutual, healthy relationships actually require
• One small shift you can make this week toward healthier connection

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:36

Welcome to Rewired. I'm your host, Tiffany Grimes, with Empower Coaching and Training. Welcome back, Rewired Listeners. This is Tiffany with today's solo episode. I'm excited about an upcoming conversation I get to have next week and bring to you with Nicole from SoGirl, and it is going to be a good one, I know for sure. But this week you have me, and you have an interesting version of me because I am hiding out in the back of my car in the middle of nowhere in Eastern Oregon. I'm recording this episode from a pretty special place. I'm out at the John Day Fossil Beds National Monument with my kiddo at 7th grade outdoor science school. And listen, I went to sixth grade science camp when I was a kid. We went to the coast, Point Reyes near the just north of San Francisco in California. And you know, I was 11 and just really not into whatever they were teaching me. I was into the freedom. I was into the playing, I was into the being away from my parents, and it is now at almost 52 that I'm like, dang, this is cool. They need to have outdoor science school for adults. So if anybody's out there looking for a little business, man, this is it. It's so cool. And we're seeing fossilized trees and rhinos from a whole different period, obviously. We're in eastern Oregon in this high desert, and you know, finding these fossils from a time period where there were chocolate blossoms and palm trees and just this really absolutely amazing thing that is happening here, and I'm so happy to be a part of it. We've been spending our days just in this incredible rhythm of learning something in the classroom. We do this multiple times throughout the day, and then heading out, and we hike several times a day and get to go experience what we've just learned in real life. And me and the other parent chaperones are super tuned in, and the kids aren't. And there was a particular lesson that spoke to me yesterday, and it really kind of stopped me in my tracks as their environmental educator was explaining it. And I even took a picture of it and then kind of like journaled about it and really thought about it because we were learning about ecosystems and specifically the different types of relationships that exist in nature. And of course, my brain immediately went to, oh my gosh, this is so relatable and so much more than just about the relationships between a gall and a sagebrush, right? We could really start to, I could really start to see how these relationships show up in human relationships too. So I'm going to utilize her lesson from an arid climate and the relationships between plants and animals and humans and the sun and all of those things and really think about it in our own in our own relationships as human beings. Before I do that, I do want to remind you all, rewired listeners, if you are interested in getting to work with one of Empower's amazing certified coaches. We are offering you a 20% discount. You use code REWIRED at checkout. So R-E-W-I-R-E-D. And it will take 20% off a three or six part coaching package. Again, this is for couples, it can be for individuals. We were offering this through April 20th, which, as I record, this is only four days away. So by the time you hear it, it will give you even less time. So check it out, yesempower.com. Go to coaching and get to know some of our amazing coaches and use the promo code. And again, this can be for you or it can be for someone you love as well. Okay, let's get back to it. So here's what we learned. And stick with me, I'm not going to give you a geology lesson, I promise, but there's some really great terms, and I think you will immediately start to realize why I was using these as a metaphor for human relationships. In nature, there are different types of relationships between living things, and once you see them, you can't really unsee them. And really, I guess I would go on to say not just the relationships between living things, but non-living things too. People have different philosophies around that, like if we think about rocks and so forth, but really these different types of relationships we see in nature is how I'm going to phrase it. So the first one is mutualism or a symbiotic relationship. And after she would write these on the board, and kudos to Gabby, our environmental educator graduate of University of Oregon, and out here doing this amazing work with young people. But she wrote this down in a way that I really loved it. So she would write the word mutualism slash symbiotic, and then in parentheses, she would put plus, comma plus. So in these, in this instance, it's saying both parties are benefiting. And so others, it would be like negative, comma, plus, or zero, which means something would remain neutral while something else would have a different type of relationship. So I'm going to throw those in there as well. So mutualism, think about a bee and a flower, for example. The bee gets nectar, the flower gets pollinated. Both are better because of their relationship. That's a plus plus. Wow. I mean, again, think about this in your life. And I'm going to get through these and then I'm going to help you think about these relationships in your life. But mutually beneficial. Both people are better because the relationship exists. The next one is commensalism. This is where one benefits and the other is unaffected. And Gabby had some thoughts about maybe maybe things are never unaffected. Maybe nothing is ever really neutral. Things are affected. Even like lichen on a rock, the rock is impacted by that. But anyway, I'm not gonna get this is not a geology lesson. Stay focused, Tiffany. So commens commensalism, one benefits, the other is unaffected. So think about, for example, barnacles on a whale. Again, we know we can have too many and we can negatively impact the whale, but generally speaking, the whale, well, the barnacles get a free ride, right? They're just cruising along. They have this great place to be and to move all around the oceans. And the whale just keeps on swimming, like it's really not impacting as long as there's not too many. So that is commensalism. The next one is parasiticism or parasitic type of relationship. So one benefits and the other is harmed. So in parentheses, what she was demonstrating is a plus sign, comma negative. So in this instance, I thought about a tick feeding on a dog. One survives at the cost of the other. So the tick is really benefiting from this relationship and it is degrading the life and the quality of living for the dog, right? Again, we can think about whether there's one or how many, but they can get Lyme's disease and all of these other things. The next one is predation. This one is also a plus, comma, negative. One survives at the expense of the other. And it's not personal, it's just the food pyramid, it's survival. Think lion and zebra. But one is the hunted and one is the hunter. And then two more that she threw in there. One is competition. So in in the parentheses, she had this listed as negative, comma, negative. So both are competing for the same limited resources. So both are probably being negatively impacted. Again, think about you know, if it's two animals living in the same ecosystem and it's small and there's not enough food or water, you know, both are stressed out and probably fighting and limiting maybe their resources and so forth. And then the final one was a menselism. And this is where one is harmed and the other isn't even aware of it. So it's a negative, comma, zero. So again, that neutral or unaffected. Again, Gabby had some thoughts about that, but the example that I was thinking of is like a black walnut tree. We have these around our property. They are very acidic. So they're releasing chemicals into the soil that prevent other plants from growing nearby, but they're just doing their things, right? They're kind of unaware that this is something that is going on. So while they are negatively impacting the ecosystem around them, they're just cruising along just fine, potentially unaware and unaffected. So, you know, imagine the desert. I'm out here, this high desert. It is so cold. I've got three jackets on, and we're in this little A frame, and Gabby's writing this up. And I was just like, oh my gosh. And she's asking these questions, and you know, the kids are barely listening, and I was just vibrating, like, oh my gosh, this is fascinating, and it makes me think of the relationships that we have and that we maintain in our life, and how we might find ourselves, and probably do find ourselves in some of these simultaneously. So we might have in one relationship where there is this symbiotic relationship, and we are better because of each other, and then there are others where you are taking from me consistently, and you are benefiting, and I am shrinking, and so forth, right? So there's many of these that show up, or these competitive relationships in our marriages, in our lives, in our parenting, even, where both are really suffering, and yet we continue to engage in these. If you're a walnut tree or a plant around a walnut tree, or a whale with a whole bunch of barnacles, like you can't really interfere in that system necessarily. You can't like pick your walnut tree roots up and cruise to another location. But we as adults ideally have agency and awareness and can begin to assess these and think about you know, we are living these relationship patterns every single day. Are they serving me? What kind of changes do I want to invite here? So I want us to do a little reflection here and bring it inward in our own lives and in our own relationships, not in a harsh or judgmental way, kind of more in an inventory way, in a very real, very human way. Because if we're honest, we've all experienced relationships where we A walk away feeling drained. I can think of so many times I leave a relationship, a setting with a person over and over and over again, and I feel the same way. Drained. I can we can all think about ways where we're consistently giving, adjusting, shrinking. We can think about ways where we are competing instead of collaborating, or maybe we're the ones knowingly taking. You know, sometimes we show up as a giving part of a relationship in one area of our life, and we show up and take or the pick in other areas of our lives. That is, you know, human nature to play many different roles. Here's the important part: this isn't about labeling people as good or bad. And this is what really helped me in thinking about it through the lens of nature, right? The honey bees, the carpenter bees, and the flowers, they're not good or doing it right because they have the symbiotic relationship. It is just what is happening. The barnacles are not bad for being on the whale, it is just what is happening. Can I bring awareness to this? So that's what I'm inviting us to do today is just to really think about letting go of the labels and just tuning into ourselves, what's happening for us in these relationships that we are participating in, because awareness is the ticket to choice, right? It is the ticket to then doing something about it, maybe or not, but we got to be aware of it first. From a neuroscience perspective, our brains are wired for connection. You've heard me say this a thousand times, but also they are wired for protection, and we have many systems in our brains always looking out to protect us, threat threat detection systems. We are constantly scanning. Am I safe here? Do I belong? Am I valued? And we aren't even doing this consciously all of the time, but our brain is always scanning for safety. And when a relationship feels one-sided, when a relationship feels unpredictable or consistently depleting, your nervous system knows. I want you just to like sink into that. Think about when you leave, what's happening in your body. Sometimes we feel nauseous or a headache or exhausted. That is our nervous system saying, This is there's something here. I don't know that I feel like I belong or seen or valued or maybe even safe. Even when your thoughts try to justify it, your body keeps at the score. That's when we start to see patterns like overgiving, people pleasing, avoidance, excuse making, building quiet resentment over time. Your brain is uh trying to create safety, but sometimes it keeps you in patterns that aren't actually sustainable. So stick with me here on this. So our nervous system is telling us something isn't right here, and so we keep giving, we keep people pleasing, or we keep avoiding, or we keep making excuses for because we're trying to appease this relationship that we're in and this sense in our body that is nagging at us, right? So our thinking brain is doing one thing, our nervous system is doing another thing, but that is not sustainable. We know this. Your thinking brain is on one path, but your nervous system is on another. So what if we started introducing some curiosity? Because we're not judging, we're not deciding right and wrong, we're just starting to consider. What if we started looking at our relationships through this lens? And I've said this in a previous podcast, and I'm forgetting when, but thinking about doing like a friend inventory, a relationship inventory, you know, and again, we're not, we don't, you don't have to do anything about this. Start feeling your way into relationships. What does my nervous system say when I'm in the presence of this person? Not as a judgment, but as information. You might ask yourself things like, where in life am I experiencing mutualism, right? So that plus plus, that bee and flower, symbioticness, where we both grow and benefit. I that I know we're not judging good or bad, but man, that feels powerful when I say that. We are both better because of each other. I can I know I've got relationships right that I can name them right now. Where am I overgiving? And know that this is dynamic as you do this review. Relationships may start in one place and go into several of these categories if they're long-term relationships. Where does it feel like I'm competing instead of connecting? That negative, negative. Nobody's winning, and yet I keep showing up to this. Where might something be quietly harming me? Right? Or that I'm shrinking, that I'm losing my voice, my sense of identity. Where are the relationships where that might be happening? And maybe one of the bravest, the boldest questions is where might I be taking more than I'm giving? So really looking at ourselves on both sides of this. Where am I taking more than I'm giving? Here's the kernel, I think. We don't stay in these patterns because we're broken, because we're bad, because we're not good enough for something else. We stay because we are creatures of habit. That brain of ours likes patterns. We've practiced these relationships sometimes for decades. They've been modeled for us, and so it feels comfortable and predictable, and then we go out and we recreate what was modeled for us, or at some point they even helped us belong and or survive, so they were of deep service to us, overgiving, people pleasing. These can keep us alive, and then we get to a place in life where they are actually part of our demise. But what we practice, we strengthen, we build neuropathways that are faster, that are efficient, whether those are for us to thrive or us to shrink. And what we strengthen becomes our default because it literally is not something we think about or choose, it's just something we do over and over and over again. So this is where I think the work begins. I mean, awareness, building awareness is really where the work begins. It's not, we're not going in with dynamite to blow up relationships overnight, right? That's not even the intent. The intent would be to build awareness of it and then get intentional. Is this serving me? Are there hard conversations I need to have? Are there hard decisions I need to make? Do I need professional assistance? You might start small, noticing how you feel after interactions. Just this, like, what's happening for me? What's my nervous system telling me? What am I noticing in my body when I leave this person? You might start by practicing one clear, kind. Boundary. When you use that language, I feel uncomfortable, and I don't want to stay in the conversation when I hear that type of language. So I'm going to leave when I hear us talking, when I hear you talking like that, right? That's one kind boundary. It's clear. I like you. I like our relationships. I don't like that. I don't like maybe phrasing you're using or the way you're talking about other people. And so I'm not going to be around when you're using that type of language. We might start by choosing one relationship to invest in more deeply. Maybe you're noticing this, there is a mutual, a symbiotic relationship, and you want to feed that more. Show up for it more. Or you might start by gently stepping back where something feels off. And again, I think about that competitiveness, or if you, as you do this assessment and self-awareness, you realize, wow, I'm really taking more here than I'm giving. And maybe I think it's neutral. Maybe I think it's the type of relationship where it is commensalism. So I'm benefiting and the other person isn't really being affected. Maybe it's more like parasitic. So I thought I was taking and the other person was really unaffected, but actually, the more I lean into this and the more awareness I build, and the more curious I get and conversations I have, what I'm realizing is this is actually more of a parasitic or a predation relationship where one is benefiting or one is surviving, that would be me, at the expense of the other, or the other one is harmed. The other part of this I want to mention is mutualistic relationships in humans, where they're both growing. Again, we're both better because of each other. They don't happen by accident. Or maybe happenstance brings you together. Again, this makes me think of the podcast I did with my best friend Dana. Happenstance brought us together. But the whole podcast, that whole love is a verb series that I did, that three-part series, that is about feeding the relationship. That is about continuing to choose each other, to see, damn, this is good. Damn, this feels good when we're together, and it seems like it's serving you and it's serving me, and life just feels sweeter and better in this way. Let's keep doing this purposefully and showing up for each other. Those relationships are built through awareness, communication, alignment, and action over time. And that can be part of our long-term relationships with our intimate partners. And it cannot be, it might be that those relationships really look really differently, but we feed them in these other areas of our lives with siblings or best friends or other folks where we are really getting what we need and really being purposeful in that. So as we start to kind of slow the pace and ground into this work, and I hope I'm leaving you thinking about either geology, because that's really freaking cool, or hopefully, maybe and hopefully, human relationships and the very many different ways we are in relationship with people and how we can intentionally interrupt or deepen those relationships. So I want to offer you a short reflection. And again, this might be a place where you want to pause and grab a journal or listen to later when you can really kind of dive into it. And I'll put these questions in the show notes as well. But I want you to ask yourself the following questions. What relationships in my life feel energizing, supportive, and mutual? And if there aren't any, that is not good or bad, that is awareness. Where do I feel drained, tense, or overextended? And I want to just tell you, you know, if that's your children, if that's a partnership of a phase of a marriage that you're in, be honest with yourself. It doesn't mean the relationship is broken. It just means that we're building awareness and we think, okay, how do I want to be involved in this? Are there things that I can do when I feel I'm overextended that I can pause and take care of myself? It might be a season of a relationship. Where am I giving through obligation instead of alignment? I'm doing this because I should rather than I keep showing up because it feels in alignment with my values and who I am. Where might I need more clarity, more honesty, or more space? Think about that. Be honest. If you need to burn the paper after you write these things, fine. And then finally, what is one small shift I can make this week toward a more mutual, healthy relationship? Just one, just one bump up. Thinking about this through the lens of what you have control over, which is not another person. So if you keep giving and the other person keeps taking and not giving, or seems to be completely unaffected by that, all you have control over is you. So think about small intentional shifts and think about how those create such powerful change over time. And if you need to see any evidence of that, get yourself out to John Day Fossil Beds National Monument in Eastern Oregon. Time is a powerful factor, and the smallest changes we make over time have gargantuan impacts. Standing out here in this amazing place and surrounded by landscapes that have taken millions of years to form, it's a reminder. Change doesn't have to be fast to be powerful. Change does not have to happen overnight. Small, consistent changes can transform how you are in relationships and thus the types of relationships you are a part of. The important thing, I think, when it comes to the difference between the fifty million-year-old fossilized tree I had lunch with and our relationships, is that in human relationships, those small shifts need to be intentional if we want them to be something desirable. The space I'm in currently is so so quiet, and the kids have been sent to their bunks for an hour of resting, and it's really in those spaces where I look at all of this and I think about the delicate and beautiful relationship of everything in this arid climate. And Gabby, the same amazing instructor, had us do this activity where we somebody was the sun, and we thought about and they had a piece of yarn, and they said, Well, what does the sun impact? And this was grass, and so somebody held then a piece of yarn that was connected to the sun, and then what does the grass impact? And that might be a rabbit who's eating on the grasses, so the yarn was connected to that, and what can impact that, what has a relationship to that rabbit, and well, that might be the red-tailed hawk or the coyote, and so the yarn went over and connected to this person who played that role, and we did this over and over and over again using the whole spool of yarn, is that what it's called? Spool of yarn, to show this immense web of how we are related and the types of relationships we have with one another. And then she did this amazing thing where she said, okay, water, who was one of the relationship folks in our yarn web, pull tight. And as water pulled tight, the things that had a relationship with water could feel that tension. And in the same way, it was let it loose, you know, think about when there's plenty of water, how do we feel that, or when water is scarce, how does that impact the relationships? And again, all of that just made me think about us in these human relationships and how when I build self-awareness, those people that have relationships with me and that I have with them feel the impacts of that. When I set clear, kind boundaries to support myself as a human being, my relationships are going to feel that and be impacted by those. Are they resilient enough? Are they mutual enough? Am I invested enough? Have I given intentionally and showed up intentionally? It's just beautiful. I think it's a beautiful metaphor for the power of relationships and the delicate ways in which who we are as human beings impacts the way we show up in relationship. So as we rewire, we impact relationship. And being curious about that. Okay, I've I've given enough of my geology lessons. I'm off to go spend some quiet time before these kids get out of their bunks and work into many other things that are very much less quiet. So be well, rewired listeners, take care, be well. Use your promo code GET 20% off coaching for you or someone you love. Speaking of investing in relationship couples coaching, I'm mean and at 20% off, folks. All right, take care. Bye. Until next time, this is Tiffany with Empower Coaching and Training. Stay curious, stay empowered, and keep rewiring for real change.