Ep 41: The Power of Community, Connection & Shared Growth

In Episode 41, we're getting into the science — and the soul — of community. What actually happens in your brain when you're supported? Why do your goals feel more achievable when someone is walking alongside you? And what can fireflies teach us about human potential? (Yes, really.)

Inspired by Shawn Achor's work on Big Potential, this episode explores how the right relationships don't just make life more joyful — they make growth more possible. For all of us. Backed by neuroscience, the Harvard Study of Adult Development, and one surprising stat that will completely change how you think about success, this episode is a reminder that you were never meant to shine alone.

This is the episode to share with your people. With your team. With the friend who's been grinding in silence. Because the research is clear: we are wired to shine brighter together.

🌿 Ready to bring the power of community into your workplace? Partner with an ICF Certified Professional Coach at Empower to do the real team growth work — building connection, trust, and shared momentum. Start the conversation at www.YesEmpower.com

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to Rewired. I'm your host, Tiffany Grimes, with Empower Coaching and Training. Hey everyone, welcome to episode 41. This is a solo episode. It's the power of community, connection, and shared growth. And I'm so glad you're here. Speaking of connection, I'm really glad you made the choice to tune in and be part of this rewired community. If this is your first time tuning in, thank you and welcome. And if you've been here before, you know what we are about to do. I always bring some neuroscience-based topic to us. I really think about it through the lens of change and personal, professional development, coaching, and so many other things. So we're talking today about community, about relationships, about what actually happens to us in our brains, in our bodies, in our results specifically, when we stop trying to do everything alone. Today's episode was inspired by a podcast, surprise, surprise, that I was listening to with researcher and best-selling author Sean Acor. And you might know him from his book, The Happiness Advantage. I loved that book. That's one that I bought both in audiobook and in written form so that I could always go back and check it out. He has one of the most watched TED Talks of all time. He has a new book out right now called The Power of Belief. And he is, you know, so this is why he's on the podcast tours right now. And I really enjoyed listening to him. And he shared this story about fireflies. And it's not actually from his new book, it's from a previous book of his, but it sparked this interest for me and I really loved it. So yeah, we're going to talk about fireflies. And I know that sounds like a strange place to start a conversation about human potential, but just stick with me because what these tiny little creatures can teach us about success and joy and growth is really amazing. And it genuinely just kind of blew my mind and actually inspired this whole group coaching thing that we're going to launch as part of our CPEC community, which is to really help our alumni and our graduates move towards their ICF ACC exam and really supporting them in that. And so this influenced it. And so I'm grateful to these little tiny fireflies. And I think it's gonna, I don't know, blow your mind maybe too. So here's the story in 1935, a naturalist named Hugh Smith is on a boat. He's drifting down a river in rural Thailand. The sun has set and the jungle is dark, and then there's a flash, a tiny flash, and then another one. And he looks towards the riverbank, and what he sees just stops him. Every single tree on one side of the river for over a thousand feet is glowing and going dark. Together, simultaneously, thousands and thousands of fireflies flashing as one. In a reality-bending moment, all of the trees along the riverbank suddenly glowed in unison, is what Hugh Smith wrote in 1935. So Hugh Smith was a scientist. He wrote about what he'd seen and submitted his findings, and the scientific community laughed at him. You know, they thought this was impossible. It makes no sense. Why would fireflies synchronize their flashing? What would only make them less distinguishable to a potential mate is if they're all flashing at the same time, right? We're describing something that goes against the very logic of basic competition and survival in the science world. Really, that notion is go it alone, stand out, be the brightest, light in the dark, right? And that is what would pull in this potential mate for you. And I don't know, that kind of sounded familiar when I thought about that old research and that philosophy. If we think about our own journeys as humans, the stories we've been told about success, hustle harder, outshine the competition. You've got to be unique. You don't need anyone, you've got to make it on your own merit. I know as a business owner and entrepreneur, that is certainly messaging that I received and beliefs that I held for a while. But here's what science eventually discovered, and this is what gets me every time I think about these fireflies. Solo firefly flashing alone is 3% chance of attracting a female that the female firefly responds. So the male is flashing on my own, doing my own thing in the dark. I'm one single little light, and I have about a 3% chance that a female responds to that. Fireflies flashing together in sync. This is an 82% chance that a female responds. And not just for me as the single firefly, but for everybody in my little firefly synchronized mating light ritual that's happening, 82% chance. So you go from a 3% chance to an 82% chance that a female firefly responds. Just let that sink in. The same firefly. I'm the same firefly. It's the same light. I'm emitting the same level of light. It's the same biology, but a completely different outcome, just based on whether I'm doing this alone or I'm doing it in community. And here's what's even more extraordinary researchers later discovered that fireflies in isolation flash with no intrinsic rhythm. There's no pattern, there's no regularity. But when they gather in large groups, something really magical emerges. They find a shared rhythm, they synchronize, not because somebody's out there keeping a cadence or that a leader told them to, but because proximity itself creates resonance. They don't compete to shine brighter, they align and everyone wins. And that also happens in humans. We wire together as we're speaking. We have mirror neurons with each other. We are connected and in flow. So I just want to sit with that for a second. And really, for like a couple weeks, I've been sitting with that because I think it is one of the most beautiful and precise metaphors for what community actually does for us little old human beings. Now, I love, I love me a good metaphor, but I love it even more when the research backs it up and oh does it. So let's talk about what's actually happening inside your brain and body when you're in genuine community. The first thing I want to talk about is something called social baseline theory. Neuroscientist James Cohen at the University of Virginia has done some fascinating research on this. His work shows that the human brain's baseline assumption or its default setting is that you are not alone. The brain evolved to expect community. It is wired to assume connection as the norm. So what happens when you are alone, when you're isolated, struggling or trying to white knuckle your way through something solo, your brain treats it as a threat. And I'm not talking about like, I love alone time, I love a road trip by myself with just me and my podcasts and my audiobooks, and I love a good walk in the forest by myself. Like that's not what we're talking about here. You know, we're talking about white knuckling your way through something or you're feeling isolated. That's really what we're talking about. So that is what the brain perceives as a threat. It has to work significantly harder. It burns more energy, it produces more cortisol and receives challenges as more difficult than they actually are. So the external world is not changed, but our perception and our relationship to it changes if we're in community or if we're in isolation. In one striking study, participants were asked to estimate the steepness of a hill they were about to climb. When they were alone, they judged the hill much steeper. When they were standing next to a close friend, the hill literally looked less steep. And that is fascinating to me. Your perception of difficulty is physically altered by the presence of people who support you. The mountain shrinks when you're not climbing it alone. That's a bumper sticker if anybody needs an idea. In another study, people experiencing a threat showed dramatically reduced neural stress responses when someone else simply held their hand. A stranger's hand helped. A close friend's hand helped even more. Connection doesn't just make hard things feel better emotionally, it literally changes your neurological experience of difficulty. It changes the math. The second piece of science I want to share is about mirror neurons and emotional contagions. So I kind of mentioned this a teeny bit already, but here's the wild part that I want to remind us of as human beings when we think about, oh my gosh, these fireflies are, you know, moving and lighting up in synchronous patterns. We're the same. We do the same. We just don't have some like glow ability to us. We are wired to sync with the people around us, not just emotionally, but physiologically. Research shows that our heart rates, our breathing patterns, and even brainwave activity can entrain to those around us that we spend the most amount of time with. This is why being around certain people is energizing and why being around others is so draining and exhausting before maybe they've even said a word. It's not imaginary, it's neurology. And it, you know, it means this if we think about it. What do all these studies, why are they important? It's important because your community isn't just your support system, it is, in a very real sense, shaping your brain. The rhythms, the beliefs, the energy of the people closest to you are literally influencing your nervous system. You don't just absorb people's attitudes, you absorb their physiology. The third piece of research I want to bring into this is perhaps the most powerful of all. The Harvard study of adult development is the longest-running study on human happiness and well-being ever conducted. I'm sure you've probably heard about it. It's pretty infamous. It followed hundreds of people for over 80 years. And after eight decades of data, the conclusion was unambiguous. The single greatest predictor of long, healthy, happy life is not wealth, it's not achievement, it's not fame. It is the quality of your relationships, not the quantity, the quality. Deep, warm, supportive connection is the most protective force research has ever found for human health and longevity. People with strong relationships live longer, they get sick less often, they recover faster and report significantly higher levels of satisfaction. And here's what I love about this for our purposes here in the Rewired Community. It doesn't just affect your happiness, it affects your capacity to grow, to pursue goals, to achieve things. Because when your nervous system isn't chronically in survival mode, when your brain isn't burning half its fuel, just managing loneliness and stress, you have so much more available for the life you actually want to build. I love all of that, and it just juices me. I get so motivated on that. And I think about my own life and my friendships, and it makes me want to invest in my friendships even more and in my relationships. I just absolutely am floored by it. And I want to talk about something we don't discuss enough when it comes to personal growth and goal setting, and that's joy. And that's saying something since I talk about joy so much. We talk a lot about discipline, about systems, about accountability, showing up on the hard days, all of that matters. But joy, joy is rocket fuel. It's another great bumper sticker. I'm just full of them today. And research shows that joy, just like a firefly's light, is exponentially more powerful when it is shared. There's a concept in psychology called capitalization, and it's one of my absolute favorite findings. And here's what the research shows: when something good happens to you and you share it with someone who responds with genuine enthusiasm, the happiness boost from that good thing doubles. The good thing didn't get any bigger, the sharing it did, right? Again, so we're not changing the external world or outcomes. My experience with it though changes because I've shared it with somebody who genuinely has enthusiasm about it. Think about that. Your promotion, your breakthrough, your personal victory, it has more power when it lands in the hands of someone who genuinely celebrates with you. And the flip side is also true. If something wonderful happens and you share it with someone who responds with indifference or worse, cynicism, the positive effect is actually diminished. The energy leaks out, and that breaks my heart. I think about all of the people who go home to share their story or the children who go home to talk about, you know, successes or celebrations. And it's not captured, it's not doubled. It's not seen as this is an investment in this person. I can double this person's joy experience. This is not just about having someone to call when things go right. It's really for me about recognizing that who you share your life with changes the actual experience of your life. Your wins are bigger, your joys go further, your light shines brighter, just like the fireflies. One of the most important ideas in Akor's work is what he calls the virtuous cycle. And it directly challenges one of the biggest lies about success in our culture. So the lie is this that success is a finite pie. That is, like if someone else gets a slice, so if someone else is having a really successful coaching business, well, then there's less for me as a professional coach, right? If someone else has a podcast that's just killing it and mine isn't, well, then there's only so much success that can go around. That lifting someone else up somehow costs me something. That collaboration is a compromise or a competition. That is the lie. Because the research says that the opposite of truth is true. The more you help others succeed, the more resources they gain. Experiences, skills, connections, opportunities, and those resources become available to you too. Potential compounds. Growth multiplies. That is the truth. That is what research tells us. So this is big potential when we're talking about community, not the lone genius grinding in isolation, but the interconnected, mutually elevating ecosystems of people who are genuinely invested in each other's growth. That, oh my gosh, gets me so excited. I cannot wait to create this ACC group as part of CPEC. And here's the part that really gets me you don't lose your light by helping someone else find theirs. You don't. You don't dim when this when the celebration is on someone else, right? Or their win rather than ours. You don't become less by investing in the people around you. In fact, you become the kind of person whose community multiplies everything, your wins, your joys, your resilience, your reach. I'm loving this. I want to ask you something, listener, and I want you to just kind of sit with it as I ask it. Who in your life calls you forward? Not someone who flatters you, just makes you feel good in the moment, not someone who just agrees with everything you say, but someone who actually sees who you are becoming sometimes before you can even see it yourself, and reflects that back to you. Who makes you sink up to a higher rhythm? Whose presence makes that hill look smaller, look doable, whose enthusiasm for your wins doubles your own joy. And equally important, I think, is the flip side of that. Are you that person for someone else? Because growth is never purely a solo act. Even the most self-driven, independent, disciplined people among us, and there are many in my group that would fit that description, when you look closely at their story, you find community, the mentor, the circle, the rooms full of fireflies who help them find their rhythm. And here's the other cool thing I learned is that a group of fireflies, it's called a sparkle. It's called a sparkle. I love that. So, like, where's your sparkle? How are you creating your sparkle? I'm going to create a CPEC ACC sparkle. So if you are a CPEC alumni, there's some sparkle coming your way. The question isn't whether you need community. The science is settled on that one. So that's not what I'm asking. The question is whether you're being intentional about it. Are you wiring your brain for community? Isolation is not strength. It just isn't. And this, you know, belief system that I think is all threaded in our, at least Western culture, it's simply not backed by science and by truth. It's just a firefly flashing alone in the dark, hoping someone notices. And statistically, they won't. 3%, right? Statistically, nobody's gonna notice. Not in the ways that we're hoping. Here's what I want you to walk away with today from today's podcast. You weren't designed to go it alone. You know, if you're walking away with anything, one one more bumper sticker, you weren't designed to do this alone. Not biologically, not neurologically, not in terms of the life you actually want to build. The fireflies figured it out. In isolation, they flicker. Together, as a sparkle, they illuminate the entire riverbank. And nature didn't program them to compete, it programmed them to synchronize, to align, to find their shared rhythm and let it amplify everything, including everyone's success. You have that same capacity. You're wired for it. And so this week, here's your challenge. It's simple, it's one thing, and I'm doing it as well. The challenge this week is to think of one person in your life who makes you shine brighter, who calls you forward, who celebrates your light, and tell them that's your challenge. Tell them, not in a text, but out loud, in a real message, if it has to be a phone call or FaceTime or even a video that you make them, let them know what their presence means to your life. And if you do that, share it with us. We'd love to hear from you. You can always find us on LinkedIn under Empower Coaching and Training, or you can email us info at yesempower.com. We would really love to hear you celebrate the other fireflies. When you acknowledge the people who illuminate your life, you become someone who illuminates theirs. The cycle starts, the rhythm builds, and the whole riverbank glows. And how cool is that! We were never meant to flash alone in the dark. We were made to sink up, to light up together and illuminate something none of us could do on our own. Thank you so much for spending time with me today, everyone. I love the community. If this resonated with you, I want to ask that you help us build our community. Share this with someone, give us a five-star review, follow us. It really helps build the Rewire community. We really enjoy this journey with you. Until next time, keep shining, Sparkle. Take care. Rewired listeners, if this episode resonated with you, I'd be so honored to stay connected. Follow the podcast at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, and iHeartRadio. Share an episode with someone in your life, and leave a five-star review. It helps people access these tools and this work and grow our community. At Empower Coaching and Training, we believe that when you understand your brain, you gain the power to change your patterns, your relationships, and your life. If you're ready to go deeper, you can always learn more about coaching and resources at yesempower.com.