Ep 46: My Brain and Her Stories: How Identities That Quietly Shape Our Lives

Have you ever caught yourself thinking...

I'm not skilled (or educated, or experienced, or, or, or) enough.

I have to keep everyone happy.

Who am I to charge that much?

This week on Rewired, I'm sharing two very personal stories that reminded me of something we all experience: our brains are incredible storytellers.

One story showed up while I was trying to write an email to a PD student. The other surfaced when I was offered a training opportunity that paid far more than I typically charge. On the surface, they seemed like completely different situations. Underneath? They were driven by the same thing: identity.

Together, we'll explore why the brain clings to familiar beliefs about who we are, why growth often feels uncomfortable, and how the stories we've carried for years can quietly influence our decisions, relationships, leadership, and confidence.

One insight that spoke loudest to me:

"The people who keep growing aren't the ones with the fewest limiting beliefs. They're the ones who notice them sooner."

What if growth isn't about eliminating every limiting belief?

What if it's about recognizing the stories your brain is telling—and choosing which ones deserve to keep the microphone?

As we begin closing out Season One of Rewired, this conversation feels especially meaningful to me. Every episode this season has explored the incredible ways our brains shape our lives. This one turns the lens inward and reminds us that growth isn't about becoming someone else—it's about becoming more aware of the stories we've been carrying all along.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• Why your brain creates stories about who you are
• How identity shapes confidence, boundaries, and decision-making
• Why discomfort is often a sign of growth—not failure
• A simple question to help you uncover the stories that may be holding you back
• How greater awareness leads to lasting change

If this episode resonates with you, I'd love to hear from you. Share it with a friend, leave a review, or connect with me on LinkedIn.

And this week, I invite you to ask yourself one simple question:

What story has my brain been telling me...and is it still true?

Until next time...

Keep rewiring.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:34

Welcome to Rewired. I'm your host, Tiffany Grimes, with Empower Coaching and Training. Hello, beautiful people. Welcome to the Rewired Podcast. This is Tiffany, your host from Empower Coaching and Training, and I'm so happy to be here with you. I want to tell you a couple things before we jump in today's episode. One is that next week I will be speaking with a divorce recovery coach. I'm really excited about this conversation and can't wait to bring it to you. So if that piques your interest in any way, shape, or form, make sure you tune in for the next episode as well. Also, want to let you know that we are celebrating the end of season one of Rewired. So next week's podcast, which will take us through the end of July, will be the completion of season one. I'm going to take August off for a few, not entirely, but just from the podcast. I have a few certifications I have to complete and work on and some specific business details that need my full attention over at Empower. And so I'm going to take the month to just celebrate this incredible thing that we've built together in the last year. Thank you so much for all the ways that you've given feedback, celebrated, supported, listened, shared, all of those things. I just so appreciate this beautiful and unexpected community of the Rewired community. So we'll have one more episode and then we'll have the month of August off. And then we will come back in September with a full plate of wonderful guests and great amazing neuroscience brain-based topics so that we can be living this beautiful life intentionally. So I want to talk today, here in this episode, our second to last for season one, about something that happened for me. And I've titled this My Brain and Her Stories. So many of the concepts that I bring are these identities and these beliefs that we hold. And I had a couple opportunities last week to just hear my own brain share a few identities and stories that I was still believing. And so today's episode isn't inspired by somebody else's podcast or a guest or even a listener question, but just my own brain and the busyness that she has been involving herself in. And what was funny about this to me, and I'll share the two specific details that happened for me, but what was funny for me is I was having this internal, almost subconscious battle where I was having identities get in the way of what I wanted, and beliefs get in the way of this cool path forward and old beliefs battling it out with new beliefs. So here I am as a coach, here I am teaching neuroscience and certified professional coaching. And I've worked with hundreds of coaches and hundreds of people in organizations and CEOs recognizing their own limiting beliefs and creating new possibilities. And yet, my own brain still has some of these stories that she's holding on to and this battle kind of waged back and forth about even as I was recognizing it, this almost like shaming of myself. Like, you're a coach, Tiffany. You teach this stuff. Tiffany, what are you still doing messing around in it? And then I let that go. And then I practiced with that and held that and worked with that in my own mindfulness training and neural training, and really kind of came to this place of understanding that I think I will always be playing around with old mental models and old identities and uncovering them. The point of the work that I'm doing personally, you know, not professionally that I do with other people, but my own growth, my own work that I do with me, is so that I don't wholeheartedly just believe them. I don't just buy what my brain is selling, that I can get to a point and rather quickly, most times now, where I can see that this is a story my brain is producing. I can kind of see through that lens of, mmm, look at that. This is a script. This isn't me. This is a script. This is some version. There's an aging to this. And kind of like maybe that's the whole point. That the whole point of the work that I'm doing is not to eliminate all that stuff because I don't know that that is possible, but to notice it so that I'm not bought and sold and living from these old beliefs and old identities that aren't serving me. So I'm curious to hear from you and how this resonates with you. So there were two experiences I mentioned. One particularly was I do a lot of professional development and we have the coach training program. I work with a lot of professionals and teach a lot of uh long classes, anywhere from four weeks to six months. I'm engaged in these training programs that I help run and operate. And so I was trying to work with this person in some communication around some details. We've had some troubles in the past and kind of this communication and understanding each other. Amazing person, you know, it's just in the communication that we have. It doesn't seem to be easy. So maybe you can identify a few people in your life like that, where it's just not the easiest of understanding the details or communicating. And what I found myself doing, so we were at this place again where there was a detail in question, and we weren't we we weren't seeing eye to eye on what needed to happen. And so, and we're writing via email, and I'm like having all these emotions about it, and you know, and locks, and I'm like staring at the screen, just kind of locked, not really doing much, except very busy in my brain. I would type something and then I would delete it, and then I would rewrite it, and then I would delete it again, and and it wasn't really what I was struggling with wasn't communication. It wasn't like I didn't know what to say. It's that what I found myself struggling with is that I didn't want to upset this person. So I was trying to like round the corners. I was finding in my head, I was like, well, I could, I that doesn't matter so much, right? If that's not done by this date, or I was uh whittling away at my own integrity and boundaries because I was finding that I A just wanted to get it done and like move on because the communication can be really straining in this particular situation, but also that I didn't want this person to be upset with me. While I hate the phrase for me, people pleaser. I think there is some version of her living in me that I want people to know I'm rooting for them and I'm trying to, I'm not trying to make life difficult and I'm on your side. And and so I was just like I couldn't, I was just stuck because I knew what needed to happen. I knew the communication that needed to happen. But this old version, maybe this people pleasing, this wanting to connect and not upset you, that part was like, oh, let's just decrease what, let's lower the bar, I guess is essentially what I'm trying to say and and soften this. And so anyway, I sat there for a long time and then I typed up some like version that did not sound very good and wasn't very clear. I took all that and I went to my AI helper and was like, could you please help me write this? Or like, what are the themes that you're seeing in this? And you know, give me some feedback on this because what what does this sound like to you, you know? And again, it wasn't that it wasn't the construction of the email. It wasn't grammar, it wasn't trying to find, it was me holding my space, it was me holding the boundaries. And it was beautiful because AI gave me back the themes, like this is what I'm hearing. And it was very much the story that I was writing the email from, which was that I didn't want to upset this person. I wanted to keep it as easy as possible and that I was lowering the standards in order to do that. And it was fascinating and wonderful, and it was an insight that really helped me. It helped me think about what is the story that I'm telling myself about this. The issue was this identity around like maybe a good teacher is endlessly accommodating, or to be flexible, to be valued as an instructor, I need to make this doable or more easy or whatever it is, right? These stories that I'm operating from. And so every time I needed to hold a boundary, my nervous system would whisper that old belief, you know, hey, careful. Remember, good teachers don't disappoint. Good teachers would just be flexible right now. Good teachers sometimes look the other direction. The story wasn't conscious, it wasn't there for me until it was, until suddenly I could see it based on, again, I'd asked AI to help share the themes for me. And then it was like, oh my God, it's right here. Like, I can't deny this. That's fascinating. And also absolutely not what I want to be doing. And so I was able to come back, you know, use that, do some self-coaching. What is a good teacher to me? And a good teacher is one that holds the integrity of the program and of the learning objectives and all of those things. And so while communication is important and all of the other things are important, holding those boundaries is part of equity, you know? And then being flexible with each student as we need to. Anyway, that's not the point. My point being was suddenly I could like break that dam and be like fascinating. Okay, I want to stay connected. I want to let this person know they're important to me. Also, this is what needs to be done. If we need accommodations, let's work with that. And yeah, anyway, fascinating. So that was that was one day. I think that was like, I don't remember what day, early in the week. And then the very next day, quite a different challenge presented itself. And so I received an inquiry about professional development. I do a lot of professional development, brain-based coaching and emotional intelligence and you know, solution-focused thinking and all that with organizations all over the US. And so, anyway, I got one organization I had worked with referred another organization that I was unfamiliar with, but the way that they contract is very different than I've contracted. So they wanted to do professional development, and it was this much to do it. And the this much was a lot more than what I typically charge. And so the interesting part of that, I know up front that might not sound like a bad problem to have, and it isn't a bad problem. It's, you know, it was just fascinating to again, having just come off this work of listening to my busy brain and what she was telling me about the other situation, is to immediately she kicked in again, this brain of mine, about not like, wow, what an amazing opportunity. Wow, this could really be, you know, like look at look at how this could unfold. Or no, my brain immediately went to stories about worth, about identity. That's not who I am. I am of the people. You know, I love to bring the training to everybody. I have actively worked for decades to make coaching not just a tool of privilege, but a tool to anyone who wants it. And we have all sorts of ways that we do that at Empower and professional development opportunity, you know, and all these things, like all these stories about this is who I am. And I don't know if it was value or worth, but it immediately presented itself as a problem to me, not an opportunity. And it was fascinating. I've been doing this work for years. I have been teaching brain-based coaching and professional development and emotional intelligence for decades. And it was just in that moment, like all of that, my own work didn't necessarily matter. It quickly, like that, just presented this story to me as though I had been rehearsing it day after day. It wasn't evaluating the opportunity. It immediately went into work to protect an old identity. And I could, you know, get on get on the therapist chair and share a lot about being of the people, but it was it was fascinating to me what that meant to me in that moment and how immediately she, my brain, got to work defending this story about who I am. One of the most fascinating things we know from neuroscience is that our brains are prediction machines. Our brain loves habit, it loves what is familiar, it loves what is predictable. Your brain isn't just reacting to the world, it's constantly predicting it. And one of the things it predicts is you, right? Who you are, what you're capable of, what people like you and what people don't like you, what people like about you and what they don't like about you. It's incredibly efficient and very busy. But sometimes those predictions become boxes or prisons. Maybe your brain learned I'm not good with money, or I'm not a good leader, I'm too emotional, or one that I hear a lot. I'm not creative. I always mess this up. I'm just the nice one. I'm the mediator. I'm not the kind of person who. And then you can fill in the blank, you know, takes chances, takes vacations, whatever it is, retires early, you know, whatever you say at the end of that sentence, I am not the kind of person who. Pay attention to that because that's often identity talking. All of these statements I said, it goes from a behavior or an emotional state to an identity. This is who I am. Not truth, not fact, but this prison or hard definition of who I am. And then we build up and cling on to that the longer we hold it and not question it. So that's called a self-referential processing system that happens within our default mode, our universal default mode. Doing this work with identity, having it pop up twice in a week, it correlated well with work with a mentor that I have who uh does a lot of coaching with me. And so I brought all of these forward and we're talking and working through this and working with identity and then working with beliefs that because I'm a coach, maybe it's not okay to share all of these things and or how I feel about, you know, being a human while I'm coaching humans and got all those stories out of the way, realized like this is the human work, this is what what I'm doing my mindfulness work for is to unfold these stories and to decide do they keep serving me? And most of the time the answer is no. And do I want to rewrite those? And most of the time the answer is yes, and then I get to rewrite those. And anyway, I walked away with this idea. The people who keep growing aren't the ones with the fewest limiting beliefs. That is not why we're doing our mindfulness work. It's not to just, again, as I mentioned before, stop having old identities pop up or stop having limiting beliefs. Now, we might have fewer of those experiences, but I wholeheartedly believe we will always have these pop up. So letting that go as a as a marker of success and instead reminding ourselves that the people who keep growing, of which I'd really like to be one, are the ones who notice them sooner and are willing to lean in and work with those. And when I'd had that epiphany, it moved me from really feeling like a little frustrated about the stories that popped up to holding those with a little bit more gentleness and humor, even, and just saying, I hey, I I saw this. Hey, guess what? I said yes to that professional development opportunity. I worked with it, I played with it, I changed my language all within 24 hours and am moving forward with that because that's the option, is that this is what they pay, and I'm worth it. And I deliver amazing trainings and I am moving forward with it, right? And that is success, is being able to catch that story and work with it and mold it and be gentle and kind with myself and realize I want to rewrite this. I want to better align my stories with this version, with today's version of me and my professional value and my worth as a trainer and so forth. I realize that's that awareness is what coaching has really given me, both the getting coached and the work that I do as a coach. It's that reminder to ourselves that we're not striving for perfection. We're striving for awareness. I don't have fewer stories, probably, than I did 10 years ago. It's just that I catch them faster and I'm willing to hold them. So 10 years ago, I may have seen them eventually, but I maybe didn't wholeheartedly work with them. Instead, I would maybe decide that, well, this is part of my identity. So what do I do with that now? I work with them more boldly now, I think, where I can really question. One of the reasons that this felt worthy of sharing on the Rewired Podcast is because I don't think I'm alone in this. I know I'm not alone in hearing our stories and wanting to work with those stories. Identity as part of that story, like who I am, that is sticky work. And one of the reasons change feels hard isn't because we're lazy or we're not willing to work on this or we're not unmotivated or undisciplined. It's because identity is one of the brain's favorite shortcuts, right? And we just already talked about the brain loves familiarity, it loves habits, it loves efficiency, it loves shortcuts. Your brain would rather be consistent than accurate. So just think about that. If you've spent 20 years believing you're the person who always puts everyone else first, holding one healthy, clear, consistent boundary doesn't just feel uncomfortable, it feels wrong. Because it is quote unquote just not who we are, right? That's what the brain meets that discomfort with. The discomfort isn't proof you're doing something wrong, but our brain will jump in immediately and try to get us back into what is familiar, what we know, what is predictable. So if we can learn to feel that discomfort and then lean into that, then it's proof that we are becoming someone new. We're identifying and behaving differently. So here's what I'm wondering and want to leave you with this week. Not what limiting beliefs do you have, although I think that is great work because very often we have a couple strong ones that we practice over and over and over. So catching them isn't as difficult as we might think. So it could be a body of work, but that's not the one I want to leave you with. And you probably already can identify a few of those. Instead, ask yourself, what story does my brain still tell about who I am? And you can also put that into context. Who I am in conflict, who I am in marriage, who I am in parenthood, who I am in my professional role, right? What story does my brain tell me about who I am? I'm bad at conflict, I'm not smart enough, I'm too much, I'm not enough, I have to earn rest, I have to earn creativity, I have to prove my worth, I'm not ready. Might be some of the stories we uncover. Just a few, you know, just naming some off the top of my head. And then follow up with one more question. Who would I become if that story wasn't running the show? Who would I become if I thought, believed, and knew I was enough? I am enough, I am smart enough, I am trained enough. I what if I believed I am inherently worthy of sharing my voice in a room? Not that I have to prove my worth or wait for permission. What would I become if that story wasn't running the show? So as we close today, I want to just share the lesson I'm taking with me really into this next week, as I still have emails coming and students and professionals and coaching clients to communicate with, and my brain will have all sorts of things to tell me about who I am and what I should be doing. So, what I'm reminding myself of is that our brains will always tell stories. This is the human experience. The goal isn't to silence those, the goal is to recognize which stories deserve to keep the microphone. Awareness creates a choice. And every time you notice a story that no longer serves you, you've already begun to rewire your brain. The final thing I want to say here is that awareness is the foundation of rewiring. Practicing is the work of rewiring. So we're building that awareness, and then we need to rewire, right? So, okay, here's the story. What am I doing with that? What do I need to believe now? What do I need to remind myself of now? And how am I doing that? Am I writing it down? Am I putting it in my journal? Am I saying it aloud? Am I working with a coach? Am I putting it on a sticky? Practicing every day, day in, day out, whenever those moments arise. That is what rewires. And that is what I have been doing. And invite you to do and share with me, tell your stories, let me know the ways that you are rewiring, that you're building awareness. I love being in this space with you all. Thank you so much. Join me next week for uh the divorce recovery conversation. I'm so excited for this. All right, well, take care, everyone. We'll talk next week. Rewired listeners, if this episode resonated with you, I'd be so honored to stay connected. Follow the podcast at Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, and iHeartRadio. Share an episode with someone in your life, and leave a five-star review. It helps people access these tools and this work and grow our community. At Empower Coaching and Training, we believe that when you understand your brain, you gain the power to change your patterns, your relationships, and your life. If you're ready to go deeper, you can always learn more about coaching and resources at yesempower.com.